#54: fic: The Wonder Years (House Mix)
Title: The Wonder Years (House Mix)
Rating: PG
Group/Pairing: Arashi
Notes: A remix of oviparous's Annually and Mediocrity from The Wonder Years for jentfic_remix cycle 6. Originally posted here. Huge thanks to calerine, forochel, g_esquared and illuvium, as always. And to oviparous, for writing such a charming series of fics.
“If we’re moving in together we’re going to do this properly,” Jun announces, after they have put down the deposit for a rather nice apartment not too far away from the university.
“Well, it’s not as if we’re getting married,” says Nino, before adding, “Well maybe to you it feels like we are,” and ducking quickly out of hitting range.
“I agree with Jun,” says Sho. “We should have some ground rules.”
“Yes!” Aiba interjects. “Like a promise to have Mutual Respect For Each Other and An Awareness Of Personal Space.”
“Where did that come from?” asks Nino.
“It’s what Matsujun and I put up on the door of our room when we first moved in,” Aiba replies. “Sort of like a peace treaty.”
“…and where was this treaty when you decided that plasticising the insides of your air-conditioner was a good idea?” asks Nino.
“I signed it but I didn’t always have to follow it,” says Aiba plaintively.
“He’s right, you know,” says Sho. “Most countries’ foreign policies tend to take that line of argument.”
“I dreamt of you guys again,” Ohno interrupts all of a sudden.
“Were you sleeping during our discussion?” asks Sho.
“Only a little,” Ohno replies.
“Guys,” says Jun, in tones of someone who is rapidly beginning to regret a foolish decision.
“There is nothing in the fridge,” says Sho.
From the couch across the living room, Nino gives the briefest of nods. His fingers are frantically mashing the buttons of his game controller, in contrast to the languid sprawl of his body.
“I said,” Sho repeats, “there is nothing in the fridge.”
“Beer?” Nino grits out. In his game, a protracted series of explosions goes off.
“Seriously. There is one can of that shit happoshu Aiba brought back,” says Sho. “And that box of kuromame that Mao-chan gave us three weeks ago. It has sprouted fluffy mould.”
“Take a photo,” says Nino. “I’m sure Aiba would appreciate it.”
“I threw it out,” says Sho disgustedly. “And now I feel unclean. And hungry. Nino.”
Sho is experiencing what the others like to call the Essay Aftermath.
It is a period of indolence and voracity that overcomes Sho every time he completes yet another one of his Economics elective assignments. Nobody has bothered to question why an elective course appears to have possibly double the workload of their regular ones. All they know is that Sho is even more of an unstoppable force when he gets like this.
“We need to go to the convenience store,” says Sho. “I’m going to die of starvation.”
“We?” says Nino, raising one eyebrow and expertly taking out the boss for that level.
“Yes, ‘we’,” Sho tells him, “because I saw you wheedling Satoshi into cooking you the last packet of ramen last night. That was my ramen. Nino.”
They head out after Nino saves his game, making their way down the slope from their apartment building with hair rumpled and sandals scraping as they walk. Sho is wearing a ratty hoodie that bears a rather dubious stain near the collar, and Nino has pushed back all his hair with a salmon pink Alice band.
“This is student life,” Sho declares poetically as they enter the convenience store. “Wandering about in pyjamas and subsisting exclusively on convenience store bentos. We are the future of society, in our flip flops and Alice bands.”
“You’re delirious, I understand,” Nino interrupts. “Now pick two meals while I stock up on the instant ramen and beer. I want to get back and finish my game.”
They end up reading manga in the store for forty-five minutes.
By the time they get back to the apartment Jun has returned from class and is standing at the refrigerator with a thunderous expression on his face.
“Hello,” says Nino. “Would you like to know what happened in this week’s chapter of One Piece?”
“I had chocolate,” Jun grits out. “A whole box. I put it right here on the second shelf. It is gone.”
“Tough,” says Nino. “We didn’t eat it.”
“Onigiri?” Sho offers.
“That’s it,” says Jun. “That’s the final straw.”
There have been many final straws since they moved into the apartment. Notable ones include the Great Mould Incident, which had culminated in a mass expedition to buy new crockery, and the Day All Of Jun’s Whites Became A Dodgy Shade Of Pink. That had been a dark day.
Comparatively speaking, today’s case of the missing chocolate is an insignificant blip. This is probably why Sho and Nino find it perfectly acceptable to wander off before Jun is done talking.
Two days later, they receive an email from Jun.
Subject: To my fellow housemates
From: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Attachment: thehouserules - PLEASE READ.doc
Dear All,
At the beginning of this semester we all sat down together and agreed on the house rules. This is a gentle reminder for all of us to follow them.
Your housemate,
Jun
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com
Noted, thanks.
---------
Yours sincerely,
Sakurai Sho
BA (Hons) Communications
Faculty of Media and Communications
Class of 2004
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, aiba@masaki.com, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Junnosuke,
Was this about the chocolate?
It was the chocolate, right?
You know we can always buy you more of it, right?
And don’t try to kid us with your ‘gentle reminder’ business.
I know you have rings and that you're not afraid to use them.
N
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Nino,
It was more on a matter of principle that I wrote that email. We agreed on the rules and thus we should follow them. That is all.
Those chocolates were expensive.
Jun
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: aiba@masaki.com
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Hi matdujun im in lab for material science now and typi ng with oine finger sorry abt yur chocolate was hungry and oh chan gave me sokjme and I FINISHED IT COS ID WAS SO GDDDDDDDDDDDDDD111111111
K finger tired gg to try unsticking other hand now.
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
The mystery is solved, then.
I love how Aiba can spell ‘material science’ with one finger,
but can’t seem to manage ‘matsujun’
N
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: ohchan@masaki.com
To: aiba@masaki.com, matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Attachment: sorry.avi
Dear Jun,
I’m sorry I ate your chocolate.
Thought it was Nino’s but on
hindsight it makes sense that
it tasted so much better than
I expected.
I made you a video in apology.
Sorry,
Oh-chan
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: aiba@masaki.com
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
ASDFGHJKLLLLLKJHGFDSASDFGHJKL I CANNOT SEE THE VIDELO FOINGERS STILL STUCK WHAT IS ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
It’s a video of Oh-chan doing interpretive dance in front of the statue of the university’s founder in the main quad.
In the last 30 seconds a small crowd gathers.
I’m proud of you, Oh-chan.
Aiba, please go and wash your hands.
N
Subject: Um guys
From: sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com
Um guys, at the rate we’re going I think Jun’s going to disown us.
Maybe we should apologise to him properly.
I’m in the apartment right now and there’s a really scary noise coming from the other room.
---------
Yours sincerely,
Sakurai Sho
BA (Hons) Communications
Faculty of Media and Communications
Class of 2004
When Jun returns home from class the following evening, he finds Aiba crouched in the entryway in a manner that is supposed to be stealthy.
It is a testament to how bizarre daily life with Aiba can get that Jun responds to this by calmly toeing off his shoes.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Nothing much,” says Aiba, looking up at Jun with the most innocent expression he can muster.
Naturally, Jun smells a rat. “What’s going on?” he asks, inching slowly toward the living room.
He is not prepared for the attack that comes. Nino leaps onto Jun from behind, startling him long enough for Aiba and Sho to spring out and grab both his arms, dragging him toward the kitchen area, where Ohno is standing. He is holding a box of Pino.
“We’re all really sorry for breaking the rules and making you mad,” says Ohno, looking very solemn. “Will you forgive us?”
“Will you also accept,” says Nino, popping up beside Ohno, “our humble gift of chocolate-covered ice cream?”
“You do know,” Jun tells them, struggling futilely against Aiba and Sho’s twin grips, “that this is not the way to go about apologising-”
He is interrupted, however, by Sho’s cry of, “HURRY UP OR THE PINO WILL MELT!” and the ensuing scuffle that ends in everyone landing on top of Jun while Ohno crouches over him with a perfectly-skewered Pino.
“We wanted to get you the chocolate we finished, but I couldn’t remember the brand,” Ohno says calmly, as if Jun is not currently being pinned to the floor by the collective weight of three of his demented housemates.
"You-,” Jun begins, but Ohno seizes the opportunity to shove the ice cream into Jun’s mouth.
Everyone erupts into cheers.
“You know,” says Jun much later, when three cans of Sho’s beer have done much to improve his mood, “most normal people don’t think that being physically restrained and force-fed ice cream constitutes an apology.”
“Well,” Sho replies, “we’re not particularly normal, are we?”
“No,” says Nino from somewhere on the floor where he’s lying with his feet on Ohno’s stomach, “and I bet you really liked it.”
“Shut up,” Jun tells Nino, but without much venom.
For a long moment they sit there in a comfortable silence. Nino makes an undignified giggly noise when Ohno attempts to tickle his calves.
“But thanks, guys,” says Jun. “For apologising. And promising to follow the rules.”
“Are we forgiven?” asks Aiba hopefully.
Jun smiles. “If you get me another beer.”
Subject: WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT THE RULES.
From: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Attachment: thehouserules - I BET NONE OF YOU READ THIS.doc
HI.
WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING I FOUND NOT ONE BUT THREE PEOPLE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM EATING OUR TONGARI CORN AND WATCHING TELEVISION. PLEASE EXPLAIN.
MATSUMOTO
Subject: Re: WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT THE RULES.
From: aiba@masaki.com
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Um. Sexiled?
Subject: Re: WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT THE RULES.
From: sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com
Masaki, do you actually know what ‘sexiled’ means?
---------
Yours sincerely,
Sakurai Sho
BA (Hons) Communications
Faculty of Media and Communications
Class of 2004
Subject: Re: WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT THE RULES.
From: aiba@masaki.com
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
OH MY GOD NOT THAT I HAD SEX WITH ANY OF THEM.
“Satoshi?”
It is one of the rare times of the day when Ohno is in their room but not asleep. Instead, he is doing something with a photograph of Nino and a picture of Hachiko that Sho would rather not know about.
“I want to ask you about something,” Sho ventures.
“Okay,” says Ohno.
“I was wondering if you’d mind… if you’d mind if I put this poster up on the wall beside my bed,” says Sho.
“Why not?” Ohno murmurs, not looking up from his drawing pad. “It’s your side of the room.”
“I’m asking because the wall kind of faces your bed,” says Sho uncertainly. “In case you’re not comfortable with it.”
“Why wouldn’t I be comfortable with it?” asks Ohno. “Go ahead, Sho-chan.”
“Really?” asks Sho, sounding delighted. “I’ll put it up, then. If you decide you don’t like it at any point, please tell me.”
“Okay,” says Ohno, still scrutinising his Hachiko picture with a slightly troubled air.
It is only half an hour later that Ohno looks up from his work. He sees the poster.
It is Tomioka Shiori. She is naked.
“Ah,” says Ohno to himself, with sudden understanding.
Then, after a pause, “Sho-chan likes small breasts.”
Because of the kind of people they are, it is only natural that Jun and Aiba give Ohno’s naked Tomioka Shiori drawing a place of honour on the refrigerator door. For an entire day it sits right below the House Rules, with the words NINO’S COMPETITION scrawled in marker underneath.
The picture vanishes as soon as Nino discovers it, but the two of them are relentless in their torture. It is, after all, extremely rare to have something to torture Nino with.
And after the above is destroyed by Nino,
This, of course, only serves to put Nino in a very foul mood. He calls Jun a fag fifteen times in one day, which is a record, even for Nino. He also finishes all the Tongari Corn and leaves his filthy table tennis jersey lying across the coffee table just to spite them.
In response, Jun enlarges the drawings to A3 size and also attaches tiny post-it versions to all of Nino’s game controllers.
The house is plunged into a state of war.
Sho’s official stance on the matter is one of deep disapproval, but he is also privately glad that the others think Nino’s crush on Ohno is better fodder than his fondness for small breasts.
That is until the week after the incident, when Sho enters his room to find Nino curled up on his bed, staring forlornly up at the poster of Tomioka Shiori.
“Wrong bed, Nino,” he says casually, walking over to poke Nino in the shoulder.
When Nino responds by rolling over and tucking his head under Sho’s pillow, Sho knows there is something wrong.
“Hey, get up,” Sho tells Nino, grabbing him around the waist and proceeding to manhandle him off the bed. “I’m going to the convenience store and I need some company.”
“Leave me alone,” says Nino, attempting to wriggle out of Sho’s arms. He ends up bumping his foot against the leg of Ohno’s desk and whacking Sho in the face mid-flail.
“Okay, now you owe me for that,” says Sho, finally putting his muscles to use by lifting Nino a good three inches off the ground and carrying him out the door.
“You’re such a Neanderthal,” Nino spits, when Sho dumps him unceremoniously in the entryway.
“Stop whining and put on your flip flops,” Sho tells him. “I’ll buy you the cheapest hamburger we can find.”
They’re examining various pudding flavours in the convenience store when Sho finally asks, “Are you all right?”
“Of course I am,” says Nino. “You’re paying for all of this.” With no embarrassment whatsoever he sweeps up five cups of pudding and dumps them unceremoniously into Sho’s basket.
“No,” says Sho. “I’m talking about Satoshi.”
Nino is suddenly very interested in the selection of sports drinks. “What about him?” he asks.
“You like him, don’t you?” asks Sho.
Nino’s hand stills over a bottle of Pocari Sweat. “Oh-chan’s my friend,” says Nino. “Of course I like him.”
“You know what I mean,” says Sho doggedly. “Nino-”
“Look, I know what you’re getting at,” Nino interrupts, straightening up and turning to look at Sho. His face is taut with something very close to misery, his posture stiff and defensive. “And the answer is that I don’t know.”
“Okay,” says Sho, slightly stunned by this sudden confession.
“So just - just let me figure this out on my own, okay?” says Nino.
“Okay,” says Sho.
“Good,” Nino replies. “And don’t you dare ever bring it up again.”
“I’ll make no promises,” Sho tells him.
“Whatever,” says Nino, shuffling to the far end of the aisle to pick up a bottle of milk. (Sho cannot help but note that it is Ohno’s favourite brand; Nino doesn’t drink milk.)
Later, when they’re walking back to the apartment building, Sho suddenly stops and puts his shopping bags down on the road.
“Nino.”
“What-” Nino begins, turning round in irritation.
He is promptly cut off by Sho stepping towards him and enveloping him in the most exuberant hug to ever happen in the history of Nino and Sho. It is all kinds of uncomfortable and bone-crushing, and Nino thinks he might actually die of suffocation.
“WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?” Nino explodes, when Sho finally releases him.
“Irony, you have no concept of,” says Sho primly, picking up his shopping bags again and making his way calmly towards the lobby. “I hope you feel better soon,” he calls.
“I hate you,” says Nino, trailing sullenly after him.
Considering that he is rather new to the business of man-to-man conversations about matters of the heart, Sho thinks he’s doing a pretty good job. Even though it also cost him approximately 2,000 yen.
Then again, Sho tells himself as he unlocks the front door and pauses to take off his shoes in the entryway, 2,000 yen is a small price to pay in comparison with a friend’s happiness.
And then Sho enters the living room, and all remotely charitable thoughts vanish immediately from his mind.
Every flat surface in the room has been covered by magazine pages and posters of different sizes. Even the television and parts of the floor have not been spared.
All the pictures, predictably, are of Tomioka Shiori in varying stages of undress.
“Oh my god,” says Sho, in a mixture of horror and- well, mostly horror. A lot of horror.
This horror is multiplied tenfold when Jun, Aiba and Ohno burst out of the toilet wearing hideous novelty bikini shirts, leaping onto Sho with collective whoops of joy.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”
And then Nino is there in his own oversized novelty shirt, cackling delightedly and leaving no room for doubt as to who the mastermind of this deranged scheme is.
“Happy birthday, you sucker,” he tells Sho, grinning like a maniac.
“I hate you,” Sho replies. “I hate you so much.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” says Nino.
“LET’S GIVE SHO-CHAN HIS PRESENTS!” Aiba shouts, sparking off a frantic scramble to divest Sho of all his clothes and wrestle him into a novelty shirt of his own.
“I picked the figure with the smallest breasts,” Jun tells Sho, snapping photos mercilessly.
“Correction,” Sho groans, “I hate all of you.”
“And Oh-chan made something special for you,” Nino adds, nudging Ohno forward.
“I had to break into the craft lab twice,” Ohno tells Sho, handing him something in a flat box.
Sho opens it.
“I’ve already put up a hook for it on your door,” Aiba says cheerfully.
It’s a large, rather well-made acrylic sign. Printed on it in a beautiful typeface are three words:
DO NOT DISTURB
“It’s for, you know, when you want some private time,” Ohno tells him.
“Private time with yourself,” Aiba adds as a completely unnecessary clarification, accompanied by a knowing eyebrow wriggle.
“And so you don’t do it in front of us,” says Nino. “Or to any of us.”
There is a long silence.
“Guys,” says Jun, finally, “he looks like he’s about to cry.”
The End
Rating: PG
Group/Pairing: Arashi
Notes: A remix of oviparous's Annually and Mediocrity from The Wonder Years for jentfic_remix cycle 6. Originally posted here. Huge thanks to calerine, forochel, g_esquared and illuvium, as always. And to oviparous, for writing such a charming series of fics.
“If we’re moving in together we’re going to do this properly,” Jun announces, after they have put down the deposit for a rather nice apartment not too far away from the university.
“Well, it’s not as if we’re getting married,” says Nino, before adding, “Well maybe to you it feels like we are,” and ducking quickly out of hitting range.
“I agree with Jun,” says Sho. “We should have some ground rules.”
“Yes!” Aiba interjects. “Like a promise to have Mutual Respect For Each Other and An Awareness Of Personal Space.”
“Where did that come from?” asks Nino.
“It’s what Matsujun and I put up on the door of our room when we first moved in,” Aiba replies. “Sort of like a peace treaty.”
“…and where was this treaty when you decided that plasticising the insides of your air-conditioner was a good idea?” asks Nino.
“I signed it but I didn’t always have to follow it,” says Aiba plaintively.
“He’s right, you know,” says Sho. “Most countries’ foreign policies tend to take that line of argument.”
“I dreamt of you guys again,” Ohno interrupts all of a sudden.
“Were you sleeping during our discussion?” asks Sho.
“Only a little,” Ohno replies.
“Guys,” says Jun, in tones of someone who is rapidly beginning to regret a foolish decision.
“There is nothing in the fridge,” says Sho.
From the couch across the living room, Nino gives the briefest of nods. His fingers are frantically mashing the buttons of his game controller, in contrast to the languid sprawl of his body.
“I said,” Sho repeats, “there is nothing in the fridge.”
“Beer?” Nino grits out. In his game, a protracted series of explosions goes off.
“Seriously. There is one can of that shit happoshu Aiba brought back,” says Sho. “And that box of kuromame that Mao-chan gave us three weeks ago. It has sprouted fluffy mould.”
“Take a photo,” says Nino. “I’m sure Aiba would appreciate it.”
“I threw it out,” says Sho disgustedly. “And now I feel unclean. And hungry. Nino.”
Sho is experiencing what the others like to call the Essay Aftermath.
It is a period of indolence and voracity that overcomes Sho every time he completes yet another one of his Economics elective assignments. Nobody has bothered to question why an elective course appears to have possibly double the workload of their regular ones. All they know is that Sho is even more of an unstoppable force when he gets like this.
“We need to go to the convenience store,” says Sho. “I’m going to die of starvation.”
“We?” says Nino, raising one eyebrow and expertly taking out the boss for that level.
“Yes, ‘we’,” Sho tells him, “because I saw you wheedling Satoshi into cooking you the last packet of ramen last night. That was my ramen. Nino.”
They head out after Nino saves his game, making their way down the slope from their apartment building with hair rumpled and sandals scraping as they walk. Sho is wearing a ratty hoodie that bears a rather dubious stain near the collar, and Nino has pushed back all his hair with a salmon pink Alice band.
“This is student life,” Sho declares poetically as they enter the convenience store. “Wandering about in pyjamas and subsisting exclusively on convenience store bentos. We are the future of society, in our flip flops and Alice bands.”
“You’re delirious, I understand,” Nino interrupts. “Now pick two meals while I stock up on the instant ramen and beer. I want to get back and finish my game.”
They end up reading manga in the store for forty-five minutes.
By the time they get back to the apartment Jun has returned from class and is standing at the refrigerator with a thunderous expression on his face.
“Hello,” says Nino. “Would you like to know what happened in this week’s chapter of One Piece?”
“I had chocolate,” Jun grits out. “A whole box. I put it right here on the second shelf. It is gone.”
“Tough,” says Nino. “We didn’t eat it.”
“Onigiri?” Sho offers.
“That’s it,” says Jun. “That’s the final straw.”
There have been many final straws since they moved into the apartment. Notable ones include the Great Mould Incident, which had culminated in a mass expedition to buy new crockery, and the Day All Of Jun’s Whites Became A Dodgy Shade Of Pink. That had been a dark day.
Comparatively speaking, today’s case of the missing chocolate is an insignificant blip. This is probably why Sho and Nino find it perfectly acceptable to wander off before Jun is done talking.
Two days later, they receive an email from Jun.
Subject: To my fellow housemates
From: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Attachment: thehouserules - PLEASE READ.doc
Dear All,
At the beginning of this semester we all sat down together and agreed on the house rules. This is a gentle reminder for all of us to follow them.
Your housemate,
Jun
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com
Noted, thanks.
---------
Yours sincerely,
Sakurai Sho
BA (Hons) Communications
Faculty of Media and Communications
Class of 2004
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, aiba@masaki.com, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Junnosuke,
Was this about the chocolate?
It was the chocolate, right?
You know we can always buy you more of it, right?
And don’t try to kid us with your ‘gentle reminder’ business.
I know you have rings and that you're not afraid to use them.
N
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Nino,
It was more on a matter of principle that I wrote that email. We agreed on the rules and thus we should follow them. That is all.
Those chocolates were expensive.
Jun
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: aiba@masaki.com
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Hi matdujun im in lab for material science now and typi ng with oine finger sorry abt yur chocolate was hungry and oh chan gave me sokjme and I FINISHED IT COS ID WAS SO GDDDDDDDDDDDDDD111111111
K finger tired gg to try unsticking other hand now.
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
The mystery is solved, then.
I love how Aiba can spell ‘material science’ with one finger,
but can’t seem to manage ‘matsujun’
N
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: ohchan@masaki.com
To: aiba@masaki.com, matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Attachment: sorry.avi
Dear Jun,
I’m sorry I ate your chocolate.
Thought it was Nino’s but on
hindsight it makes sense that
it tasted so much better than
I expected.
I made you a video in apology.
Sorry,
Oh-chan
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: aiba@masaki.com
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
ASDFGHJKLLLLLKJHGFDSASDFGHJKL I CANNOT SEE THE VIDELO FOINGERS STILL STUCK WHAT IS ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Subject: Re: To my fellow housemates
From: ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
It’s a video of Oh-chan doing interpretive dance in front of the statue of the university’s founder in the main quad.
In the last 30 seconds a small crowd gathers.
I’m proud of you, Oh-chan.
Aiba, please go and wash your hands.
N
Subject: Um guys
From: sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com
Um guys, at the rate we’re going I think Jun’s going to disown us.
Maybe we should apologise to him properly.
I’m in the apartment right now and there’s a really scary noise coming from the other room.
---------
Yours sincerely,
Sakurai Sho
BA (Hons) Communications
Faculty of Media and Communications
Class of 2004
When Jun returns home from class the following evening, he finds Aiba crouched in the entryway in a manner that is supposed to be stealthy.
It is a testament to how bizarre daily life with Aiba can get that Jun responds to this by calmly toeing off his shoes.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Nothing much,” says Aiba, looking up at Jun with the most innocent expression he can muster.
Naturally, Jun smells a rat. “What’s going on?” he asks, inching slowly toward the living room.
He is not prepared for the attack that comes. Nino leaps onto Jun from behind, startling him long enough for Aiba and Sho to spring out and grab both his arms, dragging him toward the kitchen area, where Ohno is standing. He is holding a box of Pino.
“We’re all really sorry for breaking the rules and making you mad,” says Ohno, looking very solemn. “Will you forgive us?”
“Will you also accept,” says Nino, popping up beside Ohno, “our humble gift of chocolate-covered ice cream?”
“You do know,” Jun tells them, struggling futilely against Aiba and Sho’s twin grips, “that this is not the way to go about apologising-”
He is interrupted, however, by Sho’s cry of, “HURRY UP OR THE PINO WILL MELT!” and the ensuing scuffle that ends in everyone landing on top of Jun while Ohno crouches over him with a perfectly-skewered Pino.
“We wanted to get you the chocolate we finished, but I couldn’t remember the brand,” Ohno says calmly, as if Jun is not currently being pinned to the floor by the collective weight of three of his demented housemates.
"You-,” Jun begins, but Ohno seizes the opportunity to shove the ice cream into Jun’s mouth.
Everyone erupts into cheers.
“You know,” says Jun much later, when three cans of Sho’s beer have done much to improve his mood, “most normal people don’t think that being physically restrained and force-fed ice cream constitutes an apology.”
“Well,” Sho replies, “we’re not particularly normal, are we?”
“No,” says Nino from somewhere on the floor where he’s lying with his feet on Ohno’s stomach, “and I bet you really liked it.”
“Shut up,” Jun tells Nino, but without much venom.
For a long moment they sit there in a comfortable silence. Nino makes an undignified giggly noise when Ohno attempts to tickle his calves.
“But thanks, guys,” says Jun. “For apologising. And promising to follow the rules.”
“Are we forgiven?” asks Aiba hopefully.
Jun smiles. “If you get me another beer.”
Subject: WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT THE RULES.
From: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp
To: aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Attachment: thehouserules - I BET NONE OF YOU READ THIS.doc
HI.
WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING I FOUND NOT ONE BUT THREE PEOPLE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM EATING OUR TONGARI CORN AND WATCHING TELEVISION. PLEASE EXPLAIN.
MATSUMOTO
Subject: Re: WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT THE RULES.
From: aiba@masaki.com
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
Um. Sexiled?
Subject: Re: WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT THE RULES.
From: sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, aiba@masaki.com, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com
Masaki, do you actually know what ‘sexiled’ means?
---------
Yours sincerely,
Sakurai Sho
BA (Hons) Communications
Faculty of Media and Communications
Class of 2004
Subject: Re: WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT THE RULES.
From: aiba@masaki.com
To: matsj529320@hdaigaku.jp, ninok528304@hdaigaku.jp, ohchan@masaki.com, sakus948302@hdaigaku.jp
OH MY GOD NOT THAT I HAD SEX WITH ANY OF THEM.
“Satoshi?”
It is one of the rare times of the day when Ohno is in their room but not asleep. Instead, he is doing something with a photograph of Nino and a picture of Hachiko that Sho would rather not know about.
“I want to ask you about something,” Sho ventures.
“Okay,” says Ohno.
“I was wondering if you’d mind… if you’d mind if I put this poster up on the wall beside my bed,” says Sho.
“Why not?” Ohno murmurs, not looking up from his drawing pad. “It’s your side of the room.”
“I’m asking because the wall kind of faces your bed,” says Sho uncertainly. “In case you’re not comfortable with it.”
“Why wouldn’t I be comfortable with it?” asks Ohno. “Go ahead, Sho-chan.”
“Really?” asks Sho, sounding delighted. “I’ll put it up, then. If you decide you don’t like it at any point, please tell me.”
“Okay,” says Ohno, still scrutinising his Hachiko picture with a slightly troubled air.
It is only half an hour later that Ohno looks up from his work. He sees the poster.
It is Tomioka Shiori. She is naked.
“Ah,” says Ohno to himself, with sudden understanding.
Then, after a pause, “Sho-chan likes small breasts.”
Because of the kind of people they are, it is only natural that Jun and Aiba give Ohno’s naked Tomioka Shiori drawing a place of honour on the refrigerator door. For an entire day it sits right below the House Rules, with the words NINO’S COMPETITION scrawled in marker underneath.
The picture vanishes as soon as Nino discovers it, but the two of them are relentless in their torture. It is, after all, extremely rare to have something to torture Nino with.
And after the above is destroyed by Nino,
This, of course, only serves to put Nino in a very foul mood. He calls Jun a fag fifteen times in one day, which is a record, even for Nino. He also finishes all the Tongari Corn and leaves his filthy table tennis jersey lying across the coffee table just to spite them.
In response, Jun enlarges the drawings to A3 size and also attaches tiny post-it versions to all of Nino’s game controllers.
The house is plunged into a state of war.
Sho’s official stance on the matter is one of deep disapproval, but he is also privately glad that the others think Nino’s crush on Ohno is better fodder than his fondness for small breasts.
That is until the week after the incident, when Sho enters his room to find Nino curled up on his bed, staring forlornly up at the poster of Tomioka Shiori.
“Wrong bed, Nino,” he says casually, walking over to poke Nino in the shoulder.
When Nino responds by rolling over and tucking his head under Sho’s pillow, Sho knows there is something wrong.
“Hey, get up,” Sho tells Nino, grabbing him around the waist and proceeding to manhandle him off the bed. “I’m going to the convenience store and I need some company.”
“Leave me alone,” says Nino, attempting to wriggle out of Sho’s arms. He ends up bumping his foot against the leg of Ohno’s desk and whacking Sho in the face mid-flail.
“Okay, now you owe me for that,” says Sho, finally putting his muscles to use by lifting Nino a good three inches off the ground and carrying him out the door.
“You’re such a Neanderthal,” Nino spits, when Sho dumps him unceremoniously in the entryway.
“Stop whining and put on your flip flops,” Sho tells him. “I’ll buy you the cheapest hamburger we can find.”
They’re examining various pudding flavours in the convenience store when Sho finally asks, “Are you all right?”
“Of course I am,” says Nino. “You’re paying for all of this.” With no embarrassment whatsoever he sweeps up five cups of pudding and dumps them unceremoniously into Sho’s basket.
“No,” says Sho. “I’m talking about Satoshi.”
Nino is suddenly very interested in the selection of sports drinks. “What about him?” he asks.
“You like him, don’t you?” asks Sho.
Nino’s hand stills over a bottle of Pocari Sweat. “Oh-chan’s my friend,” says Nino. “Of course I like him.”
“You know what I mean,” says Sho doggedly. “Nino-”
“Look, I know what you’re getting at,” Nino interrupts, straightening up and turning to look at Sho. His face is taut with something very close to misery, his posture stiff and defensive. “And the answer is that I don’t know.”
“Okay,” says Sho, slightly stunned by this sudden confession.
“So just - just let me figure this out on my own, okay?” says Nino.
“Okay,” says Sho.
“Good,” Nino replies. “And don’t you dare ever bring it up again.”
“I’ll make no promises,” Sho tells him.
“Whatever,” says Nino, shuffling to the far end of the aisle to pick up a bottle of milk. (Sho cannot help but note that it is Ohno’s favourite brand; Nino doesn’t drink milk.)
Later, when they’re walking back to the apartment building, Sho suddenly stops and puts his shopping bags down on the road.
“Nino.”
“What-” Nino begins, turning round in irritation.
He is promptly cut off by Sho stepping towards him and enveloping him in the most exuberant hug to ever happen in the history of Nino and Sho. It is all kinds of uncomfortable and bone-crushing, and Nino thinks he might actually die of suffocation.
“WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?” Nino explodes, when Sho finally releases him.
“Irony, you have no concept of,” says Sho primly, picking up his shopping bags again and making his way calmly towards the lobby. “I hope you feel better soon,” he calls.
“I hate you,” says Nino, trailing sullenly after him.
Considering that he is rather new to the business of man-to-man conversations about matters of the heart, Sho thinks he’s doing a pretty good job. Even though it also cost him approximately 2,000 yen.
Then again, Sho tells himself as he unlocks the front door and pauses to take off his shoes in the entryway, 2,000 yen is a small price to pay in comparison with a friend’s happiness.
And then Sho enters the living room, and all remotely charitable thoughts vanish immediately from his mind.
Every flat surface in the room has been covered by magazine pages and posters of different sizes. Even the television and parts of the floor have not been spared.
All the pictures, predictably, are of Tomioka Shiori in varying stages of undress.
“Oh my god,” says Sho, in a mixture of horror and- well, mostly horror. A lot of horror.
This horror is multiplied tenfold when Jun, Aiba and Ohno burst out of the toilet wearing hideous novelty bikini shirts, leaping onto Sho with collective whoops of joy.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”
And then Nino is there in his own oversized novelty shirt, cackling delightedly and leaving no room for doubt as to who the mastermind of this deranged scheme is.
“Happy birthday, you sucker,” he tells Sho, grinning like a maniac.
“I hate you,” Sho replies. “I hate you so much.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” says Nino.
“LET’S GIVE SHO-CHAN HIS PRESENTS!” Aiba shouts, sparking off a frantic scramble to divest Sho of all his clothes and wrestle him into a novelty shirt of his own.
“I picked the figure with the smallest breasts,” Jun tells Sho, snapping photos mercilessly.
“Correction,” Sho groans, “I hate all of you.”
“And Oh-chan made something special for you,” Nino adds, nudging Ohno forward.
“I had to break into the craft lab twice,” Ohno tells Sho, handing him something in a flat box.
Sho opens it.
“I’ve already put up a hook for it on your door,” Aiba says cheerfully.
It’s a large, rather well-made acrylic sign. Printed on it in a beautiful typeface are three words:
DO NOT DISTURB
“It’s for, you know, when you want some private time,” Ohno tells him.
“Private time with yourself,” Aiba adds as a completely unnecessary clarification, accompanied by a knowing eyebrow wriggle.
“And so you don’t do it in front of us,” says Nino. “Or to any of us.”
There is a long silence.
“Guys,” says Jun, finally, “he looks like he’s about to cry.”
The End