#64: collab with calerine and g_esquared - devilry, despair, and donuts
Title: devilry, despair, and donuts
Authors: Collab with the amazing calerine and g_esquared
Pairing/Group: Arashi
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Superhero ridiculousness and sparkles
Notes: Written for je_devilorangel, originally posted here. Yay Team Perpetually Caffeinated Flightless Birds!!!
Summary: The Villain Nino has a black heart, and his arch-nemesis Sho just cannot stop failing.
Sho
It is not often that someone can claim to have perfected the art of failure. Sho, however, has the dubious honour of being able to do so.
This has dogged him since childhood; the bizarre knack Sho has always had for making other people or himself fail. The more notable incidents had taken place when Sho had been especially angry. During his first term at elementary school, his entire class had failed their kanji tests because Sho had caught sight of two girls cheating and had become filled with righteous anger. Some years later, his cousins' attempts at filling water balloons to hurl down at unsuspecting party guests had failed spectacularly as well (although that had also resulted the water supply for the entire street being cut off for a full twenty minutes that afternoon). One morning when he was seventeen, his parents had had a bit of a quarrel. His father's car had subsequently failed to start.
Most significantly, an attempted robbery at a record store Sho enjoyed frequenting had ended in the police successfully apprehending the robbers. They had experienced trouble opening the door to their getaway car.
"It gets inconvenient sometimes," Sho tells Ohno over the sound of coffee beans being ground. "Even when I'm not angry, it affects the small things."
"Like a cup of coffee?" asks Ohno.
"Exactly," says Sho. "You're the only person who hasn't failed at making me a decent cappuccino."
Ohno grins, and gives Sho a thumbs up.
Sho supposes that these are small sacrifices he has to make in order to be a Force of Good in this city. Just last night, he wrote a blog post about this (Captain Chawanmushi, Defender of Justice), but the server had failed to post it. Thankfully he still has the draft. Sho has learned the hard way that there can Never be too many backups.
---------
Sho fully intends to finish his self-report before bed when he sits himself at his computer.
Lois leaps neatly into his lap. She stretches, purrs contentedly and settles.
Sho stares at his blank Word document and thinks about all the things that he fully intends to highlight. Like how this new kid on the block seemed to have this obsession with blackness (in particular his Staff of Villainy or something like that he kept waving about haphazardly.)
The cursor blinks blinks blinks blinks at him, and he fully intends to outline the dangers of a villain's maniac waving (because Sho swears if he manages to hit an unsuspecting old lady, Sho will cut someone - with Goodness and Gentleness).
Sho types "In the face of winter, a new villain appears. He seems to know noting of decncy."
Lois tilts her chin towards him. She cocks her head curiously, rests a paw on the caps lock key. Sho doesn't notice, tries to correct his typing errors and ends up with: "He seems to know NOTHING OF DECENCY."
Lois curls into herself on his lap, curls her thin feline tail around Sho's wrist.
Such a crafty cat, he thinks sleepily. And all of a sudden, he cannot remember what he wanted to type next. Lois is a comfortable weight pressed against the edges of his knees.
The next thing Sho knows is that the sunlight is blinking furiously at him through the undrawn curtains. He peels his cheek achingly from the keyboard.
("In the face of winter, a new villain appears. He seems to know NOTHING OF DECENCY.
kljhkggsaQuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhsdkfjlhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-")
Lois is nowhere to be seen.
Nino (really comes into his own)
Nino arrives at Akihabara Station at precisely ten in the morning.
Recently, he has discovered a new arch enemy who frequents the Yamanote Line. Not that this arch enemy was particularly worthy. Nino has seen him in action, and all it involved was a bulging vein in his neck and the unfortunate vehicle breakdowns of a few pimply teenagers.
Tch. Nino is above petty crime, really. He has loftier things in mind, like disrupting said enemy’s morning routine.
Said enemy is really into morning routines.
Apparently, said enemy is also late today. Nino sweeps imposingly towards a bench occupied by two high school girls. They promptly flee at the sight of his staff of all-consuming, evil blackness.
He is clearly, clearly superior to this - person, who seemed to think adding ‘Captain’ to the name of a steamed egg dish would lend him any degree of heroism. Nino is sure Captain Whatshisname doesn’t have anything remotely as cool as a staff of all-consuming, evil blackness, topped with his recently acquired sculpture of a black heart with wings. This is primarily useful for frightening small children, which ranks all the way up there on Nino’s list of nefarious hobbies.
Nino is so busy admiring his staff that he gets distracted from his evil mission. When he looks up, he sees that recognizable figure disappearing into the train, the good practically radiating off it. This grates on Nino’s nerves.
“Dammit!” he says. Sho has already disappeared into the carriage. Nino brandishes the staff in his general direction, but this unfortunately ends in the black heart flying off into a muddle of commuters, who immediately scatter. The staff itself ends up on the other side of the tracks, mercilessly rampaged by an incoming train.
Nino employs some very choice curse words. He retrieves the - miraculously intact - heart, glaring at everyone that gets in the way. His hopelessly wrecked staff of all-consuming, evil blackness lies forlornly on the Outer Yamanote Line.
He shoves the black heart into his coat. Today will be spent procuring a replacement sceptre, which would have to blacker and more all-consuming than the last. Perhaps his enemy wasn’t entirely useless.
Nino doubts this, however. It was probably because he’d bought the last staff at a hundred yen shop.
Sho (bless his heart)
Sho looks at his watch. The clock face says 3:45. It’s stopped again.
This does not dampen his spirits. He gets up to offer his seat to an elderly woman.
Today, he is going to Ueno Park to do litter-picking and contemplate a face-off with the city’s newest, evilest, rather skinny villain. According to the highly authoritative Justice Updates (his own), the villain’s name was Ninomiya, and he had a trademark staff and a penchant for pretending to be a warlock.
Sho will not lie; he had to look up the definition of ‘warlock’. This had taken him three dictionaries and a crashed server.
He alights at the wrong station, gives up on trying any other form of public transport, and proceeds on foot instead. He is, after all, a Shining Beacon of Hope for the citizens of Greater Tokyo, and nothing will stand in his way (except maybe himself.)
Nino (has budget constraints on villainy)
In the evening, Nino stops by the café in the river under the bridge.
“Can I have my coffee black, like my soul?” he says to Ohno, the owner, who seemed to consider the city waterway a perfect place for conducting business. Strangely enough, he’d been right. The café is more than two-thirds full.
Nino waits his turn in front of the counter.
This is a compulsion that occurs only under the mysterious circumstances of Ohno’s café. Nino tolerates these minor setbacks of civic mindedness on account of Ohno’s rather fantastic - and, quite naturally, black - coffee. Nino likes to think that he looks extra evil drinking it.
“How’s the black heart working out?” Ohno asks, later on. He takes a seat by Nino.
“Perfectly,” Nino says smugly. “No middle-schooler will sleep soundly tonight.” Ohno’s talents are not limited to diabolical beverages, but also include clay sculpting; Nino had successfully convinced him to take a break from his Salmon Series to create Nino’s spectacular emblem of evilness.
“That’s nice,” Ohno says. “What’s in the bag?”
“It’s my replacement staff,” Nino says, taking it out to show Ohno. “Blacker and more fiendish than before. Captain Failboat ruined the last one.”
Ohno absently touches the fake wood. “Well, actually, it’s more of a burnt umber,” he says.
“Do try to recognize a metaphor, Oh-chan,” Nino says, crossly. “They ran out of charcoal black.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway, I’ve got to go. Busy day tomorrow,” Nino sets down his cup, then pauses dramatically. “It might be best if you avoided taking the train.”
“Okay,” Ohno nods. He never takes the train, but Nino clearly relishes issuing ominous statements like that. Ohno doesn’t mind humouring him.
---------
Nino concocts his plan until midnight. It is one of his best yet, involving hijacking, mocking people (mainly Sho), and grand displays with his new staff, to which he’s already affixed the black heart. He’d even invested in extra-strength, industrial standard superglue to prevent a repeat of today’s fiasco.
He can hardly bear the excitement.
The next day, he marches into the station with a renewed sense of villainous purpose.
After planting the decoy package, Nino heads straight for the control station. The officer on duty today is extremely junior. Nino casts a Maleficent Charm of Banishment on him with his staff of fiendishness, new and improved version.
(Actually, he just tells him that there is someone with an unleashed dog in the station. Nino, with his deductive powers of evilness, has figured out that they have some sort of monthly quota catching people breaking train station rules. He takes every opportunity to use this knowledge to his advantage.)
Nino picks up the receiver for the PA system.
“Attention, all passengers,” he says, forcibly suppressing a shiver of degenerate glee. “Please be informed that there is a suspicious object on the JR East platform for the Yamanote Line.” He pauses for effect. “Do make the necessary arrangements.”
He cannot resist a theatrical little flourish with his staff of fiendishness, new and improved version, as he visualizes Captain Whatshisname’s look of sure-to-be abject dismay. Just for good measure, he also announces delays on the Tokyo-bound line and a loose monkey on the Hibiya Line. This is sure to cause widespread frenzy.
It is a good day for evil.
He slips out unnoticed. Outside, instead of the picture of chaos he expects, there is...
Nothing out of the ordinary.
“Looking for this?” says a voice suddenly, a voice that is remarkably like friendliness and good cheer and unintended mishaps.
Nino turns to see Captain Whatshisname standing triumphantly by. In his hands is - Nino’s decoy package! The one that Nino had so carefully planted a fake ID in, with Sho’s name and fake expired visa!
The utter, blasphemous, intolerable outrage.
“I thought someone had lost their bag,” Sho continues, seemingly unfazed by Nino’s imminent coronary. “So I was going to try returning it to them.”
Nino struggles to regain his composure, and is vaguely heartened by the fact that Sho’s jacket buttons are done up misaligned.
“We meet again,” he says, narrowing his eyes threateningly the way he practiced.
“Uh,” Sho says, “I don’t think we’ve ever really met.”
“Stand back,” Nino says, holding up his staff and pointing the black heart at Sho’s chest.
“I don’t take orders,” Sho says, “from evil.” He actually does look rather impressively righteous - until he tosses the bag at Nino and misses by about five feet, ruining the effect. Despite this, he soldiers on. “Take back your tools of wrongdoing. This is a city of good.”
“Let’s see about that,” Nino says, but is abruptly drowned out by the PA system blaring back to life. No wonder no one had heard his announcements!
By then, Sho’s back is already disappearing into the crowd. Dammit, foiled again! He hadn’t even been able to squeeze in the derisive laughter he had so looked forward to.
Sho (has to save the day!)
In retrospect, the Black-Hearted Midget did look some sorts of familiar. Sho only realizes this while he is on the way to get some coffee (and manages to be static-shocked by the escalator multiple times.)
On the sixth shock in the span of thirty seconds, Sho realizes! The Midget is the same skinny, dodgy-looking boy from when Sho was seventeen and caught a boy poking holes into condoms. Sho had been so indignant that the store’s automatic doors had stopped working, effectively trapping everyone inside for two hours.
In this sudden instance of memory, Sho is so filled with righteous anger that all four of the escalators leading to and from the station screech to a halt. That is, along with the sudden storm that bursts forth outside the station.
(Every umbrella that is open, is also turned inside out in the unexpected gusts.)
------
Sho manages to tumble into the coffee shop without much mishap.
(Though this really depends on whether one considers a clown making a child cry, a juggler dropping all his oranges into the ocean and a street musician being unable to inflate his accordion to be ‘much mishap’.)
Ohno looks up and gives him a little wave, but then Sho’s phone buzzes in his pocket.
TO: captainchawanmushi@justiceleague.com.jp
FROM: hinachan@allthatisridic.com.jp
SUBJECT: HE’S GONE!!!!
SHO-SAN. YU-KUN IS GONE!! All that we have left of him is his shaver (and the little disgusting hairs stuck to the blade)! WE CAN’T FIND HIM ANYWHERE. WE THINK EVIL TOOK HIM.
“Sho-chan, your mocha,” says Ohno, sliding the coffee cup across the counter. Sho snaps up, eyes wide with disbelief.
“EVIL TOOK HIM.” Sho is so flustered he lunges to his feet, scaring the lady beside him a little.
Ohno cocks his head, and continues to dry the cup in his hand with a dishcloth.
“Then Sho-kun has to get him back.”
Nino (has something against steamed egg)
Nino is skulking in His Corner of The (Sexual) Powerhouse (‘The Nightclub With The Best Public Toilets In Town’).
He usually likes it here. The music is obnoxious (never fails to annoy the yoga group that meets next door every Wednesday and Friday), they let Gyoza in (every villain that ever struck fear into the hearts of men had supergoats after all) and most of all, Good always, always turned away.
But tonight. Tonight is different. Tonight, Nino has been tainted with the Stains of Defeat, and in some show of mockery, the barkeep decided to make chawanmushi a special.
So Nino skulks more than he usually does, orders fewer burgers than he usually does and mutters more darkly under his breath to Gyoza than he usually does.
Gyoza haws a bit when Riisa-chan walks over and plops herself beside Nino without asking. Gyoza likes Riisa-chan; she wears very bright clothing and does not mind when Gyoza chews on her hoodies.
Regardless of his own usual fondness for Riisa-chan, Nino is in a foul mood tonight. He tries to radiate as much as she tries to ease him into conversation. It does not work; Riisa-chan is persistent in stealing little corners off his burgers and chattering on and on about her successful thwart-ation of her own arch nemesis.
Nino glares at the patterns on her bright pink pants quite pointedly and, when she doesn’t get his point, excuses himself to the washroom.
When he returns, Riisa-chan is gone. Gyoza is frowning. There is a slip of paper around his collar and a bit of material from Riisa-chan hoodie between his teeth.
YOU HAVE BEEN THWARTED.
Nino is almost shaking with frustration. Trust that Captain SomethingSomething to cross into his home ground and take his friends (few of them as he may have).
“He will taste the power of my Black Heart,” Nino swears with all the motivation he can muster.
Gyoza haws in agreement.
Sho (is nothing if not valiant)
The next day, Sho is helpfully directing traffic near a middle school when his phone rings.
Sho only has time to flip it open and see Sakamoto’s name when the battery goes dead.
Summoning up the powers of all things bright and beautiful, Sho makes it to Ohno’s café at astonishing speed. (Except for when there are traffic lights. Sho never runs red lights. That would be wrong.)
“Ohno,” he gasps, “I need to use your phone. FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND.”
“Go ahead,” says Ohno.
Sho makes it in without breaking anything, seizes the phone and dials Sakamoto’s number.
“Hello?” Sakamoto picks up on the second ring, sounding as panicked as he is whenever Inocchi decides that he should be part of Coming Century and spends the day trying to trick people into believing he should be given student concessions.
“Sakamoto-san, Sakurai here. You called?” Sho’s superhero radar is tingling with the overwhelming sense of premonition.
“Yes,” Sakamoto’s voice trembles an inaudible bit. “You see - ”
And Sho completes his sentence with dread building up in his chest.
“Okada-kun’s gone.”
In the background, Sho hears Go shouting. (“HIS WOODWORK TOOLS ARE STILL HERE!”)
“He was taken, Sakurai. Please find him.” Sakamoto half-pleads.
Ohno glances at Sho’s stock-still and despairing form and hands him one of those candies from the front counter.
The City needs Good to stop Evil in its dirty, twisted tracks.
With great power, Sho had great responsibility to see that it happened.
Nino (has hell to raise)
Koyuki-san intercepts Nino at, of all places, the library.
Nino finds the library very therapeutic. He particularly enjoys messing up the alphabetical shelving. It pleases him when he finds bewildered looking individuals scouring a shelf he has just ‘cleansed’.
Today, however, the double thwart-ation of Captain Whathisname required some higher-level recuperative villainy. As such, he has taken to shifting the software guides into the gardening section.
Koyuki-san, however, is rather tall. Nino finds this disconcerting.
“He’s gone,” she informs him.
“Gone where?”
“Gone shopping,” she says, rolling her eyes. “He’s been kidnapped. By one of you little finks.”
“We don’t kidnap friends of the dark,” Nino tells her archly. The effect is lost, however, when she glowers.
“You just liked the free okonomiyaki,” Koyuki-san says. “Well, you’ve got to get him back. I’m certainly not giving you lunchtime discounts.”
“Fine,” Nino says. How dare he take Matsuyama! He ran Nino’s favourite lunch place - other than Ohno’s café, of course.
Well, this was going to take something more than depriving computer geeks of their software guides. Nino considers stalking around in the children’s section, but decides against it. Something has to be done.
----------
But first, he needs a nice restorative cup of coffee of evil blackness.
Which turns out to be not-so-restorative when he enters the café and sees that familiar outline with its shoulders at an uncannily acute angle.
Sho (is - was having a nice cuppa)
“YOU,” Sho says, leaping to his feet. He narrows his eyes. “You’re not allowed to bring sheep into food establishments.”
Nino shoots Sho his best withering look. “It. Is. A. Supergoat.” Sho, however, patently does not wither, which infuriates Nino. “Not that I’d expect you to know.”
This is it! Sho tells himself. The time for righteousness to take over and evil to die - forever! He seizes Nino by the collar.
“BRING THEM BACK, VILLAIN,” he says.
“YOU’VE GOT SOME NERVE,” Ninomiya says, shaking his staff of fiendishness, new and improved version, to no appreciable effect.
“I don't mean to interrupt,” Ohno says, not in the least unnerved by the epochal confrontation taking place on his premises, “but could you possibly keep it down?” He gestures to a few traumatized looking people. “Oh, and Maki-chan’s afraid of sheep.” He looks at Nino apologetically.
Nino storms outside with Gyoza and reappears goat-less.
“Oh-chan,” Nino grits out, “someday, we are giving you a lesson on differentiating bovine species.”
“BRING YU-KUN BACK. AND WHAT DID OKADA-KUN EVER DO TO YOU?” Sho howls, in a way Nino is sure everyone would agree is rather unheroic.
“What,” Nino says, “are you talking about? What would I even do with your little do-gooder pals?”
“WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE TAKEN THEM,” says Sho. Nino notices that he’s got the whole vein-in-neck-bulging thing going.
“Do stop yowling,” Nino says. “Riisa-chan should have overpowered you by now. What did you do to her?”
The name sounds vaguely familiar to Sho. He tries his best to recall where he’s heard it, until he remembers. His Justice Updates! Riisa had ranked four out of five reprobate stars.
“What would I even do with your compatriots of evil?” Sho says. “YOUR PRETENSE DOES NOT FOOL ME. I WILL DESTROY YOU SO THAT GOODNESS WILL ROAM FREE FOR ALL FUTURE GENERATIONS OF -”
“Yes, yes, wait,” Nino says. “You didn’t take Riisa? Or Matsuyama?” He scrutinizes Sho with beady-eyed suspicion.
“I TOLD YOU, I DIDN’T,” Sho yells.
“Oh-chan said to stop shouting,” Nino reminds him. Sho slumps over in almost-defeat.
In the distance, a wail approaches, a wail that Nino recognizes as the ultimate enemy of evil (other than Sho) -
“And now look what you've done,” Nino says. “The police are here.”
Aiba (attempts to restore order)
Today Jun has put Aiba in charge of writing the Slips. The Slips, as Jun has stressed multiple times, are of utmost importance. They are the only things standing - or lying, since they mostly lie flat unless Aiba is practicing his Interesting Paper Folds again - against the city descending into a pit of rampant vigilantism.
It is unclear to Aiba how rampant vigilantism came to become a sort of pit, but it’s one of those things Nagase always likes to say during pep talks at the police headquarters.
“Let me handle those two,” Jun tells Aiba, as he steers their patrol car through heavy traffic and the violent thunderstorm that is currently just starting up. “Ninomiya and Sakurai have been thorns in the collective sides of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department for far too long.”
Aiba nods, and rubs the side of his waist commemoratively. “But how do you know it’s them?”
“It has to be them,” says Jun, careening round a roundabout and heading in the direction of the bridge. “We’ve been expecting this for a while. No meeting of any other vigilante and villain in this city would cause a storm this great.”
He is brooding again; Aiba can see this. Very few people on the force brood half as much (or as well) as Jun does. None of them possess the unique ability do so while driving down a bridge intended only for pedestrian use. Jun does so with panache.
Aiba makes a mental note to discover the meaning of panache.
The patrol car skids to a halt in the middle of the bridge, where there is a flight of winding stairs leading to the coffee shop below.
Jun flings open the door and leaps out of the car in one fluid movement.
“We’re here.”
Quickly they descend the stairs into the coffee shop. When they enter, they are greeted by the sight of Sakurai and Ninomiya having one of the most epic shouting matches Aiba has encountered in the short span of his career.
There is a veritable whirlwind of furniture and coffee cups flying around the two. Most of the other patrons have found refuge behind the counter, where Ohno is polishing one of the teaspoons that did not get sucked into the vortex of power. In a far corner, a goat appears to be eating the paint straight off the wall.
“Cease this ruckus immediately!” Jun booms.
“-AND DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I HAVE WORKED TO ESTABLISH POSITIVE RELATIONS WITH THE POLICE DEPARTMENT-” Sakurai is bellowing.
The villain Ninomiya, in the meantime, appears to be la-ing the theme of Ponyo with his fingers stuffed in his ears. As Sakurai continues to shout, he starts doing jazz squares.
It is not what Aiba expects at all.
Jun tries again. “WE ARE THE POLICE! CEASE THIS RUCKUS IMMEDIATELY.”
It is no use. For all Jun’s panache, he is unable to put a stop to this acrimonious confrontation.
Acrimonious is another word Aiba has been meaning to look up, ever since he heard one of the public prosecutors using it. (Kato Shigeaki has also inadvertently taught Aiba many other words, like concentric and serendipity.)
There is something faintly resembling desperation on Jun’s face now. People are supposed to fall silence at the entrance of Police Ace Matsumoto Jun. Sakurai and Ninomiya appear to be carrying on as if nothing has happened, and this evidently throws Jun off.
The time has come, it appears, for Aiba to intervene.
“GUYS!” he shouts. “I HAVE SLIPS AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM.”
Sakurai trails off mid-bellow. “-AND YOU’RE SHORT… what?”
“I said,” Aiba repeats, “I have Vigilante Warning Slips. And I’m not afraid to use them.”
“Yes,” says Jun, clearly relieved that Aiba has managed to distract the primary disputer in this dispute. “By law I am required to read to you the consequences of receiving a Warning Slip. A note will be made in the official Department database, and on a third offence-”
“We will be denied parking space all across the city, yes, I know,” Ninomiya interrupted. “But as you can see, we’re having a particularly important argument here, good sirs.”
Sakurai, still red in the face, nods vigorously. “Yes,” he tells them, “it’s on a point of honour. And friendship.”
“Point of honour or not, you’ve still caused a giant storm and half of the city’s power to go out,” Jun tells them.
Nino points triumphantly at Sakurai. “That was him.”
“I am going to give you your Slips now,” says Aiba, in the soothing and monotonous voice he had learned to use on rampaging bears during their last field camp.
“Ninomiya, you’ve already had three slips,” Jun informs him, “hereafter you will be banned from accessing all Places of Interest in the city. This includes Tokyo Tower and a number of participating souvenir stores.” He turns to Sho. “This is your first offence.”
“I wish to speak with a lawyer-” Sho begins.
“You’re a vigilante,” says Jun coldly. “You’re beyond the law.”
Aiba realises exactly why they call Jun the Ace.
Ohno (doesn’t mind very much)
Ohno has become rather adept at clearing up messes ever since the opening of his coffee shop. It is one of the few things he is truly good at, along with social dancing, making coffee, and taking ninja photographs of people when they are asleep.
When Sho, Nino, Jun and Aiba have left, Ohno picks up a broom and begins the long task of sweeping up broken coffee cups and putting all the chairs and tables back where they belong. He supposes that Nino will come round eventually to pick up his sheep-goat. For now, he lets it continue gnawing happily at a doorknob. He doesn’t really need that door, anyway. Fire escapes are overrated.
“Sometimes I ask myself why I even continue patronising your coffee shop,” Maki tells him, edging carefully past Nino’s sheep-goat.
“I’d be sad if you didn’t come back,” Ohno tells her. “Maybe that’s why.”
Maki laughs, and crunches her way towards the exit, bowing delightedly when another customer kindly holds the door open for her.
Ohno waves goodbye, and wonders if a fifty percent customer discount is too little for someone as lovely as Maki.
“Hello, Ohno-san,” says the newcomer.
The first thing Ohno notices about the young man is that he sparkles. There is just something about the way he smiles. It’s not a crafty sparkle in manner of Nino, though; it’s just… sparkly. And cute.
Ohno has always liked cute things. Sometimes this extends to people.
“Hello,” says Ohno. “How do you know my name?”
“You have a name tag,” the young man points out. He appears to be glowing with the Glow of Admiration.
Very Cute, Ohno thinks.
“Could I have a Vanilla Latte with no coffee please?”
“No coffee?” Ohno repeats. “Wouldn’t that be-”
“Vanilla and milk,” the young man finishes, with a little twinkle. A twinkle. “Yes. And could you put my name on the cup as well?”
“Of course,” says Ohno. “And your name is?”
The young man beams. “Chinen. Chinen Yuri.”
Nino (goes questing in real life)
Nino only realizes Gyoza is gone after he returns to his skulking activities at The (Sexual) Powerhouse.
And it is only when he realizes that there is no leash to loop over the drainage pipe next to his seat that the goat-shaped emptiness beside him is amplified tenfold.
He rushes out into black night. Black - just like his soul.
Sho (wins at failing)
Sho leaves the police station some time after dusk.
There is a pink slip in his pocket with his name Sakurai Sho and in brackets beside it, Captain Steamed Egg. (That was the doing of one devious Midget. After all, everybody knows that Steamed Egg does not represent Good - or have a ring - quite like Chawanmushi.)
He helps an old lady cross the street without tripping over her umbrella, and is about to report to the library for his weekly voluntary sessions to read to the children when a small boy hurries into him.
“Hey, be careful - OH IT’S YOU!” Sho exclaims, half in surprise, half in annoyance when he recognizes the boy to be his arch nemesis. “Hurrying out to interrupt the lives of the City’s Good Law-Abiding citizens again, are we?”
“For the last time, Egg, stop trying to be such a know-it-all.” The moles on Nino’s chin tilt upwards, frustrated.
“DON’T-“ Sho starts. The traffic lights on the junction next to them flicker and fade. In the sandwich shop, an employee cannot get tomato ketchup out no matter how much he shakes the bottle.
“I don’t have time to argue with you, Egg-face!”
“WHY - oh. Where is your sheep?” Sho notes the lack of something chewing on his shoelaces and drooling in his socks.
“Gyoza is a - I don’t have time to be wasting talking to someone who can’t even tell the difference between a sheep and a goat, give way!” Nino bristles violently past Sho.
Sho is about to call after him and tell him to stop being so rude; I’m your senior! when he realizes he is late and the children are waiting!
(A little girl at the corner, try as she might, cannot tear open the wrapping for her melon bread.)
Nino (finds his goat - sheep - thing)
The moment Nino steps into the coffee shop, he knows something is wrong. Gyoza is there, frowning in the corner, not even chewing anymore. The doorknob beside him is glistening with dents and dried saliva. Nino makes a mental note not to go anywhere near it.
It is past closing time, but the lights are still on and there is nobody balancing on the railings over the river. The fishing rods are still stowed away under the counter.
“Oh-chan?” Nino calls out. There is no answer except Gyoza (who haws in delight as he spots Nino).
A cold dread fills Nino’s black soul. He whips out phone with the speed only capable of by an evil villain and finds Sho’s number by several Villain applications on his phone.
Sho is hysterical when he realizes who is calling.
“How did you get my number - ARE MY SECURITY MEASURES NOT SECURE ENOUGH - WHAT AR - “ Sho’s Righteous-Anger-Fail-Circle seems to radiate down the phone line; the lights in the coffee shop flicker, Gyoza haws happily. (Nino cannot understand why Gyoza would like Sho this much; Gyoza does not even enjoy steamed egg!)
“Oh-chan’s been taken too.” Nino would rather his voice sound more neutral than panicked.
“DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS - …wait. WHAT?”
“Stop speaking in capslock, Egg-Face! They took Oh-chan!”
The coffee shop is plunged into darkness. Gyoza starts nibbling on Nino’s pullover.
Sho (is thwarted)
Sho does the first thing that comes to mind.
He calls the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department in the calmest manner he can muster.
“THEY TOOK OHNO-KUN!”
It seems like the hyperactive policeman from before picked up.
“OH NO!” The policeman gasps with much despair, though Sho is quite sure he does not know Ohno.
“Y - no, wait. I want to speak to your superior. I want to report missing persons!”
There is much fumbling in the background and the Ace comes on. (Sho only knows him as the more responsible, clear-headed one.)
“I want to report missing persons!” Sho repeats, with the same level of franticness and despair, hoping it will carry across the phone.
The other man sighs.
“The person in question has to have been missing for more than twenty-four hours before the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department will look into it.”
Sho stares at his phone incredulously. His cup of juice tips over and spills all over his keyboard.
---------
Precisely on the second the timer rings, Sho presses the dial button.
“IT HAS BEEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS,” he says, over the phone. “I AM MAKING A MISSING PERSON REPORT.”
“Speak like that again,” the Ace says, sounding weary, “and I will give you a warning slip for using inappropriate volumes on an Officer of the Law.”
“Matsujun, that isn’t on the list of orthodox offences -” Sho hears in the background, until it gets cuts off.
“OHNO-KUN REALLY -” Sho catches himself. It would be most dishonourable to get a second Slip. Parking space or not, he would never be able to write another Justice Update again. It would be simply too shameful. “Ohno-kun really is gone.”
Jun sighs, long and despairing. Sho makes a mental note to buy his department donuts after the completion of this mission. “We’ll come over to check it out,” he says.
“THANK - you,” Sho says. The line is already dead.
Nino (black hearts have feelings too)
Nino drags his feet and Gyoza along to the café in the river under the bridge, most dissatisfied with the general state of affairs.
With Oh-chan gone, he has nowhere to sip diabolical beverages, scheme theatrically, and have someone actually entertain his warlock notions.
He tethers Gyoza to a bicycle post and enters through the doorway, which is a little worse for wear. This brings back memories of yesterday’s dramatic showdown. Nino wonders what disgustingly considerate activity Egg-face is up to at the moment.
...and finds out for himself, as he steps in the door.
“And HERE was the last place we saw him,” Sho is saying, with unnecessarily large gestures. “Making coffee, like ANY OTHER DAY. He was the only one who could make me a good cappuccino, you know. WE HAVE TO TAKE ACTION. Oh, it’s him.”
“Ninomiya,” Jun says. “What did I say about the third Slip?”
“That I had one?” Nino says, obviously not pleased with the direction of this conversation.
“Parking spaces,” Jun says, arranging his eyebrows in a rather fearful manner. Nino wonders why he has never noticed this rather alarming talent of Jun’s.
“But it’s just a goat, Matsujun,” Aiba says, in what is clearly meant to be an undertone.
Jun regards his partner sternly. “When this is over,” he says, “we are having a Word about your zoological fixation.” He turns back to Nino. “Now, I don’t have to say it again.”
Nino is torn between being impressed that Aiba hadn’t called Gyoza a sheep, and incensed that his warning slips are interfering with Gyoza’s sidekick-ship. Surely supergoats were exempt.
He says as much to Jun.
Who only responds with the eyebrow thing again.
“Okay, fine,” Nino says, in his best harassed tone. “Fine. But it is now imperative that we do something to retrieve our lost fr - persons.” (Clinging on to his last shreds of villainy, ‘friends’ does not seem like an appropriate word to use.) He cuts Sho off, “- and do not say it is for the good of mankind.”
“I wasn’t going to,” Sho says. “No, we are something much better. We are -” (and Nino really should have seen it coming) “- the TEMPEST OF RIGHTEOUSNESS.”
“Whoo-bloody-hoo,” says Jun. The only person who seems genuinely up for it is Aiba. Nino looks like he would rather eat a sock.
“I would rather eat a sock,” Nino says.
“I don’t see you taking off your shoes,” Jun points out.
Nino resists the urge to drive his staff of fiendishness, new and improved version, straight through Jun’s chest. In very measured tones, he says, “I have to Very Strongly Object.”
“On what grounds?” Aiba says, with the air of officialdom.
Nino ignores him. “How about the Warlocks,” he says. “Of Wantonness.”
“I vote tempest,” Sho says immediately.
“I’m going to have to go with that,” Jun says, “- by law.”
Nino seethes quietly as he marches outside to retrieve Gyoza. Later, he will send Gyoza to gnaw on something of Jun’s. Perhaps his shoes. Jun looks like a man of many shoes. Nino is sure this will annoy him.
---------
The first thing Sho does, as president of the newly-founded Tempest of Righteousness, is to trip over his own feet on the way out.
“Very smooth, Egg-face,” says Nino.
“If we’re going to be a team, I insist you stop calling me that.”
“We are not a team,” Nino hisses. “Stop announcing it or I’ll have to start wearing a paper bag over my head.”
“Please, feel free.”
Nino glares at Jun, but only at his back - because after all, no one likes getting Slips. Nino can tell that Jun is in a Slip-giving mood.
“Righteous comrades, we must,” Sho announces, with great flourish and fanfare, “strategize.”
Sho (is having something of a field day)
Sho has always wanted to be part of a league, or a group of righteous comrades. Like SMAP down at the fire station, who ride around in fire engines putting out fires and rescuing cats and people.
At some point in the past he had attempted to join Yoko and Hina’s group, but logistical problems had arisen due to the fact that they were based in Osaka. So he had worked alone, a lone figure of justice in the night.
But now, no more. Now-
“Can you stop internally monologuing and actually join in with the strategising?” Nino snaps.
Sho bristles. “I am not-”
“Yes you are,” says the Ace. He sounds rather set-upon. “We’re looking at last known witnesses right now.”
Nino considers this. “Well, apart from us… there was also Maki-chan. Wasn’t she still hanging around when we left?”
“We have to find her!” Sho declaims.
Perhaps only Officer Aiba looks impressed.
“Oh, do shut up,” Nino tells him, before adding “Egg-face” for good measure. “I can just ring her. Oh-chan has all the regular customers’ numbers written down on the back of a furniture catalogue.”
Before Nino can start hunting for the catalogue, however, they are interrupted by an arrow zipping in through a broken window and embedding itself on the countertop.
“I’ve always wanted to be able to do that,” Nino murmurs. “You need minions to be able to do that. Minions.”
Attached to the very sparkly arrow is an equally sparkly note. It has glittering unicorns stamped all along its borders. The message inside is filled with random happy emoticons and far too many exclamation marks for anybody’s comfort.
To the Tempest of Righteousness:
We have your friends!!!!!!! ;D
*(^O^)* If you want them back,
Meet us at the ~Warehouse~ at 1900hrs!!!!!
~~~SEE YOU THERE!!!!!!!!!~~~ <( ^.^ )>
b(~_^)d
Hey!Say!JUMP
Jun (is perhaps the most long-suffering of all)
They are all in the patrol car now, making considerably slower progress since Sakurai climbed on board. His aptitude for failure is now legendary in the force; many a response team has been prevented from acting swiftly due to his radius of fail. It is perhaps a miracle that nothing particularly devastating has happened to this town. Yet.
Sakurai and Ninomiya are both fuming about the entrance of this group of new upstarts. It has yet to be clear whether these Hey!Say! fellows, with their excessive exclamation marks and unicorn sparkles, are vigilantes or villains, and this is now the main point of contention between the two.
To Jun there is no difference.
Vigilantism is a plague in this city, Jun always says. And along with the burning passionate fire of these misguided do-gooders will inevitably come the thick smoke of villainy.
Jun prefers cigarettes and gunpowder, like any cop worth his salt. Although he’s quit, recently. Though the spirit of it is still there.
He’s not the sort of cop who takes sides. He is the sort of cop who knows to keep his enemies close. And Sakurai and Ninomiya - he refuses to give them the pleasure of having secret identities - are now close indeed.
Aiba pokes Jun in the shoulder. “You’re brooding again.”
Jun turns and gives Aiba a look he has decided to call The Cool Appraisal.
Aiba looks duly appraised.
Ohno (gets Stockholm Syndrome straightaway)
Ohno starts to wonder only after the scenery speeding past the Jump!Mobile turns less into City and more into Wilderness.
“Chinen-kun,” he enquires gently, sipping from his flask. “Where - “
Chinen interrupts him with a triumphant cry of “WE’RE HERE!” before realizing that Ohno had been speaking.
“Sorry, what were you saying, Ohno-san?” He apologises hurriedly.
Ohno realizes that the way Chinen speaks bears a lot of resemblance to Nino (when he just needs someone to talk to about his schemes and is too Villainous to ask properly). It is endearing, really.
“Nothing - if we’re already here.” Ohno smiles, and takes another sip.
---------
Ohno gets introduced to all the remaining eight members of Hey!Say!JUMP (as they like to say with a twirl of hands and a shot off all of their Sparkle Guns).
“Ryutaro went to the Bahamas for a bit, to rest and recuperate from Being Devious. Sort of like a Villain’s Retreat.” Chinen’s voice is high and enthusiastic and Ohno is not sure why Chinen is telling him this, let alone if he’ll be able to remember any of their names in an hour.
“Come, come, Ohno-san! I’ll show you the dock like I promised! It’s right - “ Ohno lets Chinen tug him out through the back door and before them lies the glittering sea. The sun is setting, casting a receding golden glow across their faces. “- here!”
“Wow,” Ohno gasps softly. “Thank you, Chinen-kun!”
Chinen beams.
It’s nice to be around people smaller than he is again, Ohno thinks. Very Small, Very Cute People.
(Nino is not one because even if he is Cute, Ohno is the same small size as he is - and Ohno always sees Nino vehemently argue about his Un-Shortness in the coffee shop. It does make Ohno feel better about his own size.)
Nino (gets the figurative Upper Hand)
The one thing that never fails to surprise is how Gyoza gets places.
“You forget that he is a supergoat!” Nino cackles, almost scornful. That’ll teach them to call Gyoza a sheep again.
Officer Aiba is making what Nino supposes is meant to be tender goat noises to Gyoza by the time the rest of them manage to get themselves out of the car.
The rest stop is unnervingly quiet - and that is saying something because Villains are not unnerved easily.
Sho seems to sense this too, as he jolts himself out of gaping at Gyoza’s magical appearance to surveying the ominously empty car park.
“This. Is a sign,” he murmurs, pausing quite dramatically.
Jun ignores him.
“We need to strategize,” he tells Nino firmly, cuffing Officer Aiba on the back of his head to draw his attention to the matter at hand.
“Strategize - what?” Nino exclaims the same time Officer Aiba does.
“We don’t need to strategize - “ Nino thinks it is very rude that Aiba should cut him off like the way he does.
“But Matsujun, we’ve never strategized before,” Aiba cocks his head and frowns confusedly at Officer Matsumoto.
“Who rushes into the enemy’s lair without a plan?” interrupts Sho, visibly annoyed that they have started a Planning Conference without him. “As The Supreme Leader Of The Tempest Of Righteousness - “
Officer Matsumoto scowls at Sho, and his voice fades timidly into silence. Nino makes a mental note to invite Matsumoto to be his partner after all this hoo-ha is over.
AT THIS SAME MOMENT IN TIME -
Ohno (spends quality time with several new friends)
It is when Chinen gives Ohno a tour of the dilapidated warehouse that Ohno finds all of Sho’s and Nino’s lost friends.
“Chinen-kun,” Ohno says, tentatively. “Are these your friends too?”
“Everyone is our friend, Ohno-kun!” Chinen gives Ohno a grin that is almost blinding. Ohno can almost accept it. But -
“Then…those aren’t really locks?”
For the first time, Ohno sees Chinen’s brow crinkle a little. This is still Cute, though there is a hint of something Ohno cannot quite place. But suddenly the smile returns in all its bright sparkle. Ohno even feels the individual sparkles wiggling their way into his heart one by one, like an unnecessarily bright summer’s day.
“Those are for their safety!” Chinen explains. “We take good care of all our friends, Oh-chan. They even get cupcakes with pink sugar icing! They’re Yamada-kun’s specialty.”
“That’s very nice of you,” Ohno agrees, smiling at Chinen. This causes a curious reaction - Chinen shivers a little, emitting a squeal of glee.
Later, JUMP performs a dance that Chinen tells Ohno they prepared Specially for him.
Ohno can often hear the Capitalization of words when Chinen speaks to him. For instance, they are Very Glad to have him here. He is in fact welcome to stay Forever. Upon mention of Ohno’s café, Chinen insists that Yamada-kun can also make coffee for him, except better, because it is Prepared With Love and Tenderness.
The dance involves a great deal of winking.
“Did you like that, Ohno-kun?” chirps Chinen, when it is over. “We practiced a lot for you. I even ate cupcakes without icing for a whole month. That’s our training food.”
“It was very nice, Chinen-kun,” Ohno says.
“Would you dance with me someday?” Chinen says, eyes practically twice their size as he stares into Ohno’s. Ohno wonders how Chinen knew he liked social dancing.
“I don’t mind,” he says, absently twiddling a stray shred of the pink confetti that had exploded from above at the end of JUMP’s dance.
There it is - that squeal of glee again. And when Ohno looks up, Chinen doesn’t even have to say it. Ohno sees the Forever look in his eyes.
Aiba (only joined the Force for donuts)
In the empty carpark, the Tempest of Righteousness’ inaugural mission to save humankind (well, actually, just Ohno - but Nino insists that there is nothing ‘just’ about ensuring a villainous supply of caffeine and warlock role play) has been derailed.
This is saying something, especially for Aiba, who has seen Nagase make coffee stops during car chases.
With outstanding decisiveness, Sakurai has set up his Camp of Virtue, within ten metres of which he has forbidden Ninomiya from entering. This does not, in fact, bother Ninomiya, as ten metres also happens to be, at room temperature, Sakurai’s standard radius of fail. As a result, Sakurai has not managed to get anyone else on his side.
This, he proclaims, is unimportant, as he hears the whispers of his ancestors like a buffeting wind at his back and these give him Strength and Courage.
Aiba highly doubts that Sakurai is in any way related to the forty-seven ronin.
The other thing he cannot quite believe is that Ninomiya brought his DS.
Aiba does not even bring his Friends of the Zoo badges while on missions, because Matsujun insists that these fall under the category of Personal Items, and are hence distracting and inappropriate.
With the vigilante and the villain engaged in a cold war which only one of them seems personally invested in, Aiba has nothing to do but acquaint himself with Gyoza, the g - oops, supergoat.
He sidles over very discreetly, careful not to intrude on Jun’s brooding, which has just increased a notch.
“So,” he says, “what’s it like being a supergoat?”
Gyoza just gives him a once over and begins nibbling on Aiba’s epaulettes with his goat-sized teeth.
“I thought so,” Aiba nods, then lowers his voice. “Between you and me, it’s pretty much the same, being Matsujun’s partner.”
Gyoza makes a goaty noise of understanding - or perhaps he finds the police uniform nylon rather pleasant to chew on.
Shooting sounds and tinny music have started coming from Nino’s direction. Sakurai, meanwhile, sits on a checkered red picnic mat, looking disconsolate.
As Aiba continues his professional reconnaissance of the area, he sees It.
And It, Aiba knows, is something even Matsujun has a weak spot for. It is possibly the only thing Matsujun enjoys more than catching perps - that is, before he gave up tobacco. That had been a hard time for all of them.
It, obviously, is a Donut Shop.
Oh, wondrous salvation.
Ohno (did not bargain on having to touch anyone’s Sparkle Gun)
Ohno has still not quite figured out what nine boys are doing out here in the middle of nowhere, Very Small and Very Cute as they are.
“In the mornings, we frolic in the dewy fields and catch butterflies,” Chinen tells Ohno. “Though of course we always set them free.”
“I’ve never caught butterflies,” Ohno says. “Just fish.”
Chinen’s Glow of Admiration never seems to lose its glow. In fact, Chinen has been toggling it on and off at will for the entire - albeit short - span of their interaction.
“Ohno-kun is so talented,” Chinen says. Ohno shrugs. He cannot deny that this is somewhat pleasant, for Nino has never expressed quite so much enthusiasm for Ohno’s hobbies - except when they happen to coincide with Nino’s own. “Will Ohno-kun teach me how to fish, too?”
Ohno has never considered fishing as something that could be taught. It is inherent, even more inherent than being Cute.
“That would be difficult,” Ohno says.
Chinen pouts. “Why?”
“You see…” Ohno thinks. “Fishing is something you just know.”
“Ohno-kun doesn’t want to teach me?” Chinen says, lower lip actually trembling. Yes. Trembling. Ohno has only ever seen this happen in anime, during a particular phase of his adolescence he would rather not discuss.
Ohno did not say that he wouldn't teach Chinen. He opens his mouth to clarify this point, but gets derailed when he finally recognizes what he couldn't place before. And just like that, Cute becomes Deceptively So.
And that is also when Ohno realizes that he just might prefer Nino’s craftiness.
Part Two
Authors: Collab with the amazing calerine and g_esquared
Pairing/Group: Arashi
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Superhero ridiculousness and sparkles
Notes: Written for je_devilorangel, originally posted here. Yay Team Perpetually Caffeinated Flightless Birds!!!
Summary: The Villain Nino has a black heart, and his arch-nemesis Sho just cannot stop failing.
Sho
It is not often that someone can claim to have perfected the art of failure. Sho, however, has the dubious honour of being able to do so.
This has dogged him since childhood; the bizarre knack Sho has always had for making other people or himself fail. The more notable incidents had taken place when Sho had been especially angry. During his first term at elementary school, his entire class had failed their kanji tests because Sho had caught sight of two girls cheating and had become filled with righteous anger. Some years later, his cousins' attempts at filling water balloons to hurl down at unsuspecting party guests had failed spectacularly as well (although that had also resulted the water supply for the entire street being cut off for a full twenty minutes that afternoon). One morning when he was seventeen, his parents had had a bit of a quarrel. His father's car had subsequently failed to start.
Most significantly, an attempted robbery at a record store Sho enjoyed frequenting had ended in the police successfully apprehending the robbers. They had experienced trouble opening the door to their getaway car.
"It gets inconvenient sometimes," Sho tells Ohno over the sound of coffee beans being ground. "Even when I'm not angry, it affects the small things."
"Like a cup of coffee?" asks Ohno.
"Exactly," says Sho. "You're the only person who hasn't failed at making me a decent cappuccino."
Ohno grins, and gives Sho a thumbs up.
Sho supposes that these are small sacrifices he has to make in order to be a Force of Good in this city. Just last night, he wrote a blog post about this (Captain Chawanmushi, Defender of Justice), but the server had failed to post it. Thankfully he still has the draft. Sho has learned the hard way that there can Never be too many backups.
---------
Sho fully intends to finish his self-report before bed when he sits himself at his computer.
Lois leaps neatly into his lap. She stretches, purrs contentedly and settles.
Sho stares at his blank Word document and thinks about all the things that he fully intends to highlight. Like how this new kid on the block seemed to have this obsession with blackness (in particular his Staff of Villainy or something like that he kept waving about haphazardly.)
The cursor blinks blinks blinks blinks at him, and he fully intends to outline the dangers of a villain's maniac waving (because Sho swears if he manages to hit an unsuspecting old lady, Sho will cut someone - with Goodness and Gentleness).
Sho types "In the face of winter, a new villain appears. He seems to know noting of decncy."
Lois tilts her chin towards him. She cocks her head curiously, rests a paw on the caps lock key. Sho doesn't notice, tries to correct his typing errors and ends up with: "He seems to know NOTHING OF DECENCY."
Lois curls into herself on his lap, curls her thin feline tail around Sho's wrist.
Such a crafty cat, he thinks sleepily. And all of a sudden, he cannot remember what he wanted to type next. Lois is a comfortable weight pressed against the edges of his knees.
The next thing Sho knows is that the sunlight is blinking furiously at him through the undrawn curtains. He peels his cheek achingly from the keyboard.
("In the face of winter, a new villain appears. He seems to know NOTHING OF DECENCY.
kljhkggsaQuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhsdkfjlhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-")
Lois is nowhere to be seen.
Nino (really comes into his own)
Nino arrives at Akihabara Station at precisely ten in the morning.
Recently, he has discovered a new arch enemy who frequents the Yamanote Line. Not that this arch enemy was particularly worthy. Nino has seen him in action, and all it involved was a bulging vein in his neck and the unfortunate vehicle breakdowns of a few pimply teenagers.
Tch. Nino is above petty crime, really. He has loftier things in mind, like disrupting said enemy’s morning routine.
Said enemy is really into morning routines.
Apparently, said enemy is also late today. Nino sweeps imposingly towards a bench occupied by two high school girls. They promptly flee at the sight of his staff of all-consuming, evil blackness.
He is clearly, clearly superior to this - person, who seemed to think adding ‘Captain’ to the name of a steamed egg dish would lend him any degree of heroism. Nino is sure Captain Whatshisname doesn’t have anything remotely as cool as a staff of all-consuming, evil blackness, topped with his recently acquired sculpture of a black heart with wings. This is primarily useful for frightening small children, which ranks all the way up there on Nino’s list of nefarious hobbies.
Nino is so busy admiring his staff that he gets distracted from his evil mission. When he looks up, he sees that recognizable figure disappearing into the train, the good practically radiating off it. This grates on Nino’s nerves.
“Dammit!” he says. Sho has already disappeared into the carriage. Nino brandishes the staff in his general direction, but this unfortunately ends in the black heart flying off into a muddle of commuters, who immediately scatter. The staff itself ends up on the other side of the tracks, mercilessly rampaged by an incoming train.
Nino employs some very choice curse words. He retrieves the - miraculously intact - heart, glaring at everyone that gets in the way. His hopelessly wrecked staff of all-consuming, evil blackness lies forlornly on the Outer Yamanote Line.
He shoves the black heart into his coat. Today will be spent procuring a replacement sceptre, which would have to blacker and more all-consuming than the last. Perhaps his enemy wasn’t entirely useless.
Nino doubts this, however. It was probably because he’d bought the last staff at a hundred yen shop.
Sho (bless his heart)
Sho looks at his watch. The clock face says 3:45. It’s stopped again.
This does not dampen his spirits. He gets up to offer his seat to an elderly woman.
Today, he is going to Ueno Park to do litter-picking and contemplate a face-off with the city’s newest, evilest, rather skinny villain. According to the highly authoritative Justice Updates (his own), the villain’s name was Ninomiya, and he had a trademark staff and a penchant for pretending to be a warlock.
Sho will not lie; he had to look up the definition of ‘warlock’. This had taken him three dictionaries and a crashed server.
He alights at the wrong station, gives up on trying any other form of public transport, and proceeds on foot instead. He is, after all, a Shining Beacon of Hope for the citizens of Greater Tokyo, and nothing will stand in his way (except maybe himself.)
Nino (has budget constraints on villainy)
In the evening, Nino stops by the café in the river under the bridge.
“Can I have my coffee black, like my soul?” he says to Ohno, the owner, who seemed to consider the city waterway a perfect place for conducting business. Strangely enough, he’d been right. The café is more than two-thirds full.
Nino waits his turn in front of the counter.
This is a compulsion that occurs only under the mysterious circumstances of Ohno’s café. Nino tolerates these minor setbacks of civic mindedness on account of Ohno’s rather fantastic - and, quite naturally, black - coffee. Nino likes to think that he looks extra evil drinking it.
“How’s the black heart working out?” Ohno asks, later on. He takes a seat by Nino.
“Perfectly,” Nino says smugly. “No middle-schooler will sleep soundly tonight.” Ohno’s talents are not limited to diabolical beverages, but also include clay sculpting; Nino had successfully convinced him to take a break from his Salmon Series to create Nino’s spectacular emblem of evilness.
“That’s nice,” Ohno says. “What’s in the bag?”
“It’s my replacement staff,” Nino says, taking it out to show Ohno. “Blacker and more fiendish than before. Captain Failboat ruined the last one.”
Ohno absently touches the fake wood. “Well, actually, it’s more of a burnt umber,” he says.
“Do try to recognize a metaphor, Oh-chan,” Nino says, crossly. “They ran out of charcoal black.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway, I’ve got to go. Busy day tomorrow,” Nino sets down his cup, then pauses dramatically. “It might be best if you avoided taking the train.”
“Okay,” Ohno nods. He never takes the train, but Nino clearly relishes issuing ominous statements like that. Ohno doesn’t mind humouring him.
---------
Nino concocts his plan until midnight. It is one of his best yet, involving hijacking, mocking people (mainly Sho), and grand displays with his new staff, to which he’s already affixed the black heart. He’d even invested in extra-strength, industrial standard superglue to prevent a repeat of today’s fiasco.
He can hardly bear the excitement.
The next day, he marches into the station with a renewed sense of villainous purpose.
After planting the decoy package, Nino heads straight for the control station. The officer on duty today is extremely junior. Nino casts a Maleficent Charm of Banishment on him with his staff of fiendishness, new and improved version.
(Actually, he just tells him that there is someone with an unleashed dog in the station. Nino, with his deductive powers of evilness, has figured out that they have some sort of monthly quota catching people breaking train station rules. He takes every opportunity to use this knowledge to his advantage.)
Nino picks up the receiver for the PA system.
“Attention, all passengers,” he says, forcibly suppressing a shiver of degenerate glee. “Please be informed that there is a suspicious object on the JR East platform for the Yamanote Line.” He pauses for effect. “Do make the necessary arrangements.”
He cannot resist a theatrical little flourish with his staff of fiendishness, new and improved version, as he visualizes Captain Whatshisname’s look of sure-to-be abject dismay. Just for good measure, he also announces delays on the Tokyo-bound line and a loose monkey on the Hibiya Line. This is sure to cause widespread frenzy.
It is a good day for evil.
He slips out unnoticed. Outside, instead of the picture of chaos he expects, there is...
Nothing out of the ordinary.
“Looking for this?” says a voice suddenly, a voice that is remarkably like friendliness and good cheer and unintended mishaps.
Nino turns to see Captain Whatshisname standing triumphantly by. In his hands is - Nino’s decoy package! The one that Nino had so carefully planted a fake ID in, with Sho’s name and fake expired visa!
The utter, blasphemous, intolerable outrage.
“I thought someone had lost their bag,” Sho continues, seemingly unfazed by Nino’s imminent coronary. “So I was going to try returning it to them.”
Nino struggles to regain his composure, and is vaguely heartened by the fact that Sho’s jacket buttons are done up misaligned.
“We meet again,” he says, narrowing his eyes threateningly the way he practiced.
“Uh,” Sho says, “I don’t think we’ve ever really met.”
“Stand back,” Nino says, holding up his staff and pointing the black heart at Sho’s chest.
“I don’t take orders,” Sho says, “from evil.” He actually does look rather impressively righteous - until he tosses the bag at Nino and misses by about five feet, ruining the effect. Despite this, he soldiers on. “Take back your tools of wrongdoing. This is a city of good.”
“Let’s see about that,” Nino says, but is abruptly drowned out by the PA system blaring back to life. No wonder no one had heard his announcements!
By then, Sho’s back is already disappearing into the crowd. Dammit, foiled again! He hadn’t even been able to squeeze in the derisive laughter he had so looked forward to.
Sho (has to save the day!)
In retrospect, the Black-Hearted Midget did look some sorts of familiar. Sho only realizes this while he is on the way to get some coffee (and manages to be static-shocked by the escalator multiple times.)
On the sixth shock in the span of thirty seconds, Sho realizes! The Midget is the same skinny, dodgy-looking boy from when Sho was seventeen and caught a boy poking holes into condoms. Sho had been so indignant that the store’s automatic doors had stopped working, effectively trapping everyone inside for two hours.
In this sudden instance of memory, Sho is so filled with righteous anger that all four of the escalators leading to and from the station screech to a halt. That is, along with the sudden storm that bursts forth outside the station.
(Every umbrella that is open, is also turned inside out in the unexpected gusts.)
------
Sho manages to tumble into the coffee shop without much mishap.
(Though this really depends on whether one considers a clown making a child cry, a juggler dropping all his oranges into the ocean and a street musician being unable to inflate his accordion to be ‘much mishap’.)
Ohno looks up and gives him a little wave, but then Sho’s phone buzzes in his pocket.
TO: captainchawanmushi@justiceleague.com.jp
FROM: hinachan@allthatisridic.com.jp
SUBJECT: HE’S GONE!!!!
SHO-SAN. YU-KUN IS GONE!! All that we have left of him is his shaver (and the little disgusting hairs stuck to the blade)! WE CAN’T FIND HIM ANYWHERE. WE THINK EVIL TOOK HIM.
“Sho-chan, your mocha,” says Ohno, sliding the coffee cup across the counter. Sho snaps up, eyes wide with disbelief.
“EVIL TOOK HIM.” Sho is so flustered he lunges to his feet, scaring the lady beside him a little.
Ohno cocks his head, and continues to dry the cup in his hand with a dishcloth.
“Then Sho-kun has to get him back.”
Nino (has something against steamed egg)
Nino is skulking in His Corner of The (Sexual) Powerhouse (‘The Nightclub With The Best Public Toilets In Town’).
He usually likes it here. The music is obnoxious (never fails to annoy the yoga group that meets next door every Wednesday and Friday), they let Gyoza in (every villain that ever struck fear into the hearts of men had supergoats after all) and most of all, Good always, always turned away.
But tonight. Tonight is different. Tonight, Nino has been tainted with the Stains of Defeat, and in some show of mockery, the barkeep decided to make chawanmushi a special.
So Nino skulks more than he usually does, orders fewer burgers than he usually does and mutters more darkly under his breath to Gyoza than he usually does.
Gyoza haws a bit when Riisa-chan walks over and plops herself beside Nino without asking. Gyoza likes Riisa-chan; she wears very bright clothing and does not mind when Gyoza chews on her hoodies.
Regardless of his own usual fondness for Riisa-chan, Nino is in a foul mood tonight. He tries to radiate as much as she tries to ease him into conversation. It does not work; Riisa-chan is persistent in stealing little corners off his burgers and chattering on and on about her successful thwart-ation of her own arch nemesis.
Nino glares at the patterns on her bright pink pants quite pointedly and, when she doesn’t get his point, excuses himself to the washroom.
When he returns, Riisa-chan is gone. Gyoza is frowning. There is a slip of paper around his collar and a bit of material from Riisa-chan hoodie between his teeth.
YOU HAVE BEEN THWARTED.
Nino is almost shaking with frustration. Trust that Captain SomethingSomething to cross into his home ground and take his friends (few of them as he may have).
“He will taste the power of my Black Heart,” Nino swears with all the motivation he can muster.
Gyoza haws in agreement.
Sho (is nothing if not valiant)
The next day, Sho is helpfully directing traffic near a middle school when his phone rings.
Sho only has time to flip it open and see Sakamoto’s name when the battery goes dead.
Summoning up the powers of all things bright and beautiful, Sho makes it to Ohno’s café at astonishing speed. (Except for when there are traffic lights. Sho never runs red lights. That would be wrong.)
“Ohno,” he gasps, “I need to use your phone. FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND.”
“Go ahead,” says Ohno.
Sho makes it in without breaking anything, seizes the phone and dials Sakamoto’s number.
“Hello?” Sakamoto picks up on the second ring, sounding as panicked as he is whenever Inocchi decides that he should be part of Coming Century and spends the day trying to trick people into believing he should be given student concessions.
“Sakamoto-san, Sakurai here. You called?” Sho’s superhero radar is tingling with the overwhelming sense of premonition.
“Yes,” Sakamoto’s voice trembles an inaudible bit. “You see - ”
And Sho completes his sentence with dread building up in his chest.
“Okada-kun’s gone.”
In the background, Sho hears Go shouting. (“HIS WOODWORK TOOLS ARE STILL HERE!”)
“He was taken, Sakurai. Please find him.” Sakamoto half-pleads.
Ohno glances at Sho’s stock-still and despairing form and hands him one of those candies from the front counter.
The City needs Good to stop Evil in its dirty, twisted tracks.
With great power, Sho had great responsibility to see that it happened.
Nino (has hell to raise)
Koyuki-san intercepts Nino at, of all places, the library.
Nino finds the library very therapeutic. He particularly enjoys messing up the alphabetical shelving. It pleases him when he finds bewildered looking individuals scouring a shelf he has just ‘cleansed’.
Today, however, the double thwart-ation of Captain Whathisname required some higher-level recuperative villainy. As such, he has taken to shifting the software guides into the gardening section.
Koyuki-san, however, is rather tall. Nino finds this disconcerting.
“He’s gone,” she informs him.
“Gone where?”
“Gone shopping,” she says, rolling her eyes. “He’s been kidnapped. By one of you little finks.”
“We don’t kidnap friends of the dark,” Nino tells her archly. The effect is lost, however, when she glowers.
“You just liked the free okonomiyaki,” Koyuki-san says. “Well, you’ve got to get him back. I’m certainly not giving you lunchtime discounts.”
“Fine,” Nino says. How dare he take Matsuyama! He ran Nino’s favourite lunch place - other than Ohno’s café, of course.
Well, this was going to take something more than depriving computer geeks of their software guides. Nino considers stalking around in the children’s section, but decides against it. Something has to be done.
----------
But first, he needs a nice restorative cup of coffee of evil blackness.
Which turns out to be not-so-restorative when he enters the café and sees that familiar outline with its shoulders at an uncannily acute angle.
Sho (is - was having a nice cuppa)
“YOU,” Sho says, leaping to his feet. He narrows his eyes. “You’re not allowed to bring sheep into food establishments.”
Nino shoots Sho his best withering look. “It. Is. A. Supergoat.” Sho, however, patently does not wither, which infuriates Nino. “Not that I’d expect you to know.”
This is it! Sho tells himself. The time for righteousness to take over and evil to die - forever! He seizes Nino by the collar.
“BRING THEM BACK, VILLAIN,” he says.
“YOU’VE GOT SOME NERVE,” Ninomiya says, shaking his staff of fiendishness, new and improved version, to no appreciable effect.
“I don't mean to interrupt,” Ohno says, not in the least unnerved by the epochal confrontation taking place on his premises, “but could you possibly keep it down?” He gestures to a few traumatized looking people. “Oh, and Maki-chan’s afraid of sheep.” He looks at Nino apologetically.
Nino storms outside with Gyoza and reappears goat-less.
“Oh-chan,” Nino grits out, “someday, we are giving you a lesson on differentiating bovine species.”
“BRING YU-KUN BACK. AND WHAT DID OKADA-KUN EVER DO TO YOU?” Sho howls, in a way Nino is sure everyone would agree is rather unheroic.
“What,” Nino says, “are you talking about? What would I even do with your little do-gooder pals?”
“WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE TAKEN THEM,” says Sho. Nino notices that he’s got the whole vein-in-neck-bulging thing going.
“Do stop yowling,” Nino says. “Riisa-chan should have overpowered you by now. What did you do to her?”
The name sounds vaguely familiar to Sho. He tries his best to recall where he’s heard it, until he remembers. His Justice Updates! Riisa had ranked four out of five reprobate stars.
“What would I even do with your compatriots of evil?” Sho says. “YOUR PRETENSE DOES NOT FOOL ME. I WILL DESTROY YOU SO THAT GOODNESS WILL ROAM FREE FOR ALL FUTURE GENERATIONS OF -”
“Yes, yes, wait,” Nino says. “You didn’t take Riisa? Or Matsuyama?” He scrutinizes Sho with beady-eyed suspicion.
“I TOLD YOU, I DIDN’T,” Sho yells.
“Oh-chan said to stop shouting,” Nino reminds him. Sho slumps over in almost-defeat.
In the distance, a wail approaches, a wail that Nino recognizes as the ultimate enemy of evil (other than Sho) -
“And now look what you've done,” Nino says. “The police are here.”
Aiba (attempts to restore order)
Today Jun has put Aiba in charge of writing the Slips. The Slips, as Jun has stressed multiple times, are of utmost importance. They are the only things standing - or lying, since they mostly lie flat unless Aiba is practicing his Interesting Paper Folds again - against the city descending into a pit of rampant vigilantism.
It is unclear to Aiba how rampant vigilantism came to become a sort of pit, but it’s one of those things Nagase always likes to say during pep talks at the police headquarters.
“Let me handle those two,” Jun tells Aiba, as he steers their patrol car through heavy traffic and the violent thunderstorm that is currently just starting up. “Ninomiya and Sakurai have been thorns in the collective sides of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department for far too long.”
Aiba nods, and rubs the side of his waist commemoratively. “But how do you know it’s them?”
“It has to be them,” says Jun, careening round a roundabout and heading in the direction of the bridge. “We’ve been expecting this for a while. No meeting of any other vigilante and villain in this city would cause a storm this great.”
He is brooding again; Aiba can see this. Very few people on the force brood half as much (or as well) as Jun does. None of them possess the unique ability do so while driving down a bridge intended only for pedestrian use. Jun does so with panache.
Aiba makes a mental note to discover the meaning of panache.
The patrol car skids to a halt in the middle of the bridge, where there is a flight of winding stairs leading to the coffee shop below.
Jun flings open the door and leaps out of the car in one fluid movement.
“We’re here.”
Quickly they descend the stairs into the coffee shop. When they enter, they are greeted by the sight of Sakurai and Ninomiya having one of the most epic shouting matches Aiba has encountered in the short span of his career.
There is a veritable whirlwind of furniture and coffee cups flying around the two. Most of the other patrons have found refuge behind the counter, where Ohno is polishing one of the teaspoons that did not get sucked into the vortex of power. In a far corner, a goat appears to be eating the paint straight off the wall.
“Cease this ruckus immediately!” Jun booms.
“-AND DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I HAVE WORKED TO ESTABLISH POSITIVE RELATIONS WITH THE POLICE DEPARTMENT-” Sakurai is bellowing.
The villain Ninomiya, in the meantime, appears to be la-ing the theme of Ponyo with his fingers stuffed in his ears. As Sakurai continues to shout, he starts doing jazz squares.
It is not what Aiba expects at all.
Jun tries again. “WE ARE THE POLICE! CEASE THIS RUCKUS IMMEDIATELY.”
It is no use. For all Jun’s panache, he is unable to put a stop to this acrimonious confrontation.
Acrimonious is another word Aiba has been meaning to look up, ever since he heard one of the public prosecutors using it. (Kato Shigeaki has also inadvertently taught Aiba many other words, like concentric and serendipity.)
There is something faintly resembling desperation on Jun’s face now. People are supposed to fall silence at the entrance of Police Ace Matsumoto Jun. Sakurai and Ninomiya appear to be carrying on as if nothing has happened, and this evidently throws Jun off.
The time has come, it appears, for Aiba to intervene.
“GUYS!” he shouts. “I HAVE SLIPS AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM.”
Sakurai trails off mid-bellow. “-AND YOU’RE SHORT… what?”
“I said,” Aiba repeats, “I have Vigilante Warning Slips. And I’m not afraid to use them.”
“Yes,” says Jun, clearly relieved that Aiba has managed to distract the primary disputer in this dispute. “By law I am required to read to you the consequences of receiving a Warning Slip. A note will be made in the official Department database, and on a third offence-”
“We will be denied parking space all across the city, yes, I know,” Ninomiya interrupted. “But as you can see, we’re having a particularly important argument here, good sirs.”
Sakurai, still red in the face, nods vigorously. “Yes,” he tells them, “it’s on a point of honour. And friendship.”
“Point of honour or not, you’ve still caused a giant storm and half of the city’s power to go out,” Jun tells them.
Nino points triumphantly at Sakurai. “That was him.”
“I am going to give you your Slips now,” says Aiba, in the soothing and monotonous voice he had learned to use on rampaging bears during their last field camp.
“Ninomiya, you’ve already had three slips,” Jun informs him, “hereafter you will be banned from accessing all Places of Interest in the city. This includes Tokyo Tower and a number of participating souvenir stores.” He turns to Sho. “This is your first offence.”
“I wish to speak with a lawyer-” Sho begins.
“You’re a vigilante,” says Jun coldly. “You’re beyond the law.”
Aiba realises exactly why they call Jun the Ace.
Ohno (doesn’t mind very much)
Ohno has become rather adept at clearing up messes ever since the opening of his coffee shop. It is one of the few things he is truly good at, along with social dancing, making coffee, and taking ninja photographs of people when they are asleep.
When Sho, Nino, Jun and Aiba have left, Ohno picks up a broom and begins the long task of sweeping up broken coffee cups and putting all the chairs and tables back where they belong. He supposes that Nino will come round eventually to pick up his sheep-goat. For now, he lets it continue gnawing happily at a doorknob. He doesn’t really need that door, anyway. Fire escapes are overrated.
“Sometimes I ask myself why I even continue patronising your coffee shop,” Maki tells him, edging carefully past Nino’s sheep-goat.
“I’d be sad if you didn’t come back,” Ohno tells her. “Maybe that’s why.”
Maki laughs, and crunches her way towards the exit, bowing delightedly when another customer kindly holds the door open for her.
Ohno waves goodbye, and wonders if a fifty percent customer discount is too little for someone as lovely as Maki.
“Hello, Ohno-san,” says the newcomer.
The first thing Ohno notices about the young man is that he sparkles. There is just something about the way he smiles. It’s not a crafty sparkle in manner of Nino, though; it’s just… sparkly. And cute.
Ohno has always liked cute things. Sometimes this extends to people.
“Hello,” says Ohno. “How do you know my name?”
“You have a name tag,” the young man points out. He appears to be glowing with the Glow of Admiration.
Very Cute, Ohno thinks.
“Could I have a Vanilla Latte with no coffee please?”
“No coffee?” Ohno repeats. “Wouldn’t that be-”
“Vanilla and milk,” the young man finishes, with a little twinkle. A twinkle. “Yes. And could you put my name on the cup as well?”
“Of course,” says Ohno. “And your name is?”
The young man beams. “Chinen. Chinen Yuri.”
Nino (goes questing in real life)
Nino only realizes Gyoza is gone after he returns to his skulking activities at The (Sexual) Powerhouse.
And it is only when he realizes that there is no leash to loop over the drainage pipe next to his seat that the goat-shaped emptiness beside him is amplified tenfold.
He rushes out into black night. Black - just like his soul.
Sho (wins at failing)
Sho leaves the police station some time after dusk.
There is a pink slip in his pocket with his name Sakurai Sho and in brackets beside it, Captain Steamed Egg. (That was the doing of one devious Midget. After all, everybody knows that Steamed Egg does not represent Good - or have a ring - quite like Chawanmushi.)
He helps an old lady cross the street without tripping over her umbrella, and is about to report to the library for his weekly voluntary sessions to read to the children when a small boy hurries into him.
“Hey, be careful - OH IT’S YOU!” Sho exclaims, half in surprise, half in annoyance when he recognizes the boy to be his arch nemesis. “Hurrying out to interrupt the lives of the City’s Good Law-Abiding citizens again, are we?”
“For the last time, Egg, stop trying to be such a know-it-all.” The moles on Nino’s chin tilt upwards, frustrated.
“DON’T-“ Sho starts. The traffic lights on the junction next to them flicker and fade. In the sandwich shop, an employee cannot get tomato ketchup out no matter how much he shakes the bottle.
“I don’t have time to argue with you, Egg-face!”
“WHY - oh. Where is your sheep?” Sho notes the lack of something chewing on his shoelaces and drooling in his socks.
“Gyoza is a - I don’t have time to be wasting talking to someone who can’t even tell the difference between a sheep and a goat, give way!” Nino bristles violently past Sho.
Sho is about to call after him and tell him to stop being so rude; I’m your senior! when he realizes he is late and the children are waiting!
(A little girl at the corner, try as she might, cannot tear open the wrapping for her melon bread.)
Nino (finds his goat - sheep - thing)
The moment Nino steps into the coffee shop, he knows something is wrong. Gyoza is there, frowning in the corner, not even chewing anymore. The doorknob beside him is glistening with dents and dried saliva. Nino makes a mental note not to go anywhere near it.
It is past closing time, but the lights are still on and there is nobody balancing on the railings over the river. The fishing rods are still stowed away under the counter.
“Oh-chan?” Nino calls out. There is no answer except Gyoza (who haws in delight as he spots Nino).
A cold dread fills Nino’s black soul. He whips out phone with the speed only capable of by an evil villain and finds Sho’s number by several Villain applications on his phone.
Sho is hysterical when he realizes who is calling.
“How did you get my number - ARE MY SECURITY MEASURES NOT SECURE ENOUGH - WHAT AR - “ Sho’s Righteous-Anger-Fail-Circle seems to radiate down the phone line; the lights in the coffee shop flicker, Gyoza haws happily. (Nino cannot understand why Gyoza would like Sho this much; Gyoza does not even enjoy steamed egg!)
“Oh-chan’s been taken too.” Nino would rather his voice sound more neutral than panicked.
“DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS - …wait. WHAT?”
“Stop speaking in capslock, Egg-Face! They took Oh-chan!”
The coffee shop is plunged into darkness. Gyoza starts nibbling on Nino’s pullover.
Sho (is thwarted)
Sho does the first thing that comes to mind.
He calls the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department in the calmest manner he can muster.
“THEY TOOK OHNO-KUN!”
It seems like the hyperactive policeman from before picked up.
“OH NO!” The policeman gasps with much despair, though Sho is quite sure he does not know Ohno.
“Y - no, wait. I want to speak to your superior. I want to report missing persons!”
There is much fumbling in the background and the Ace comes on. (Sho only knows him as the more responsible, clear-headed one.)
“I want to report missing persons!” Sho repeats, with the same level of franticness and despair, hoping it will carry across the phone.
The other man sighs.
“The person in question has to have been missing for more than twenty-four hours before the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department will look into it.”
Sho stares at his phone incredulously. His cup of juice tips over and spills all over his keyboard.
---------
Precisely on the second the timer rings, Sho presses the dial button.
“IT HAS BEEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS,” he says, over the phone. “I AM MAKING A MISSING PERSON REPORT.”
“Speak like that again,” the Ace says, sounding weary, “and I will give you a warning slip for using inappropriate volumes on an Officer of the Law.”
“Matsujun, that isn’t on the list of orthodox offences -” Sho hears in the background, until it gets cuts off.
“OHNO-KUN REALLY -” Sho catches himself. It would be most dishonourable to get a second Slip. Parking space or not, he would never be able to write another Justice Update again. It would be simply too shameful. “Ohno-kun really is gone.”
Jun sighs, long and despairing. Sho makes a mental note to buy his department donuts after the completion of this mission. “We’ll come over to check it out,” he says.
“THANK - you,” Sho says. The line is already dead.
Nino (black hearts have feelings too)
Nino drags his feet and Gyoza along to the café in the river under the bridge, most dissatisfied with the general state of affairs.
With Oh-chan gone, he has nowhere to sip diabolical beverages, scheme theatrically, and have someone actually entertain his warlock notions.
He tethers Gyoza to a bicycle post and enters through the doorway, which is a little worse for wear. This brings back memories of yesterday’s dramatic showdown. Nino wonders what disgustingly considerate activity Egg-face is up to at the moment.
...and finds out for himself, as he steps in the door.
“And HERE was the last place we saw him,” Sho is saying, with unnecessarily large gestures. “Making coffee, like ANY OTHER DAY. He was the only one who could make me a good cappuccino, you know. WE HAVE TO TAKE ACTION. Oh, it’s him.”
“Ninomiya,” Jun says. “What did I say about the third Slip?”
“That I had one?” Nino says, obviously not pleased with the direction of this conversation.
“Parking spaces,” Jun says, arranging his eyebrows in a rather fearful manner. Nino wonders why he has never noticed this rather alarming talent of Jun’s.
“But it’s just a goat, Matsujun,” Aiba says, in what is clearly meant to be an undertone.
Jun regards his partner sternly. “When this is over,” he says, “we are having a Word about your zoological fixation.” He turns back to Nino. “Now, I don’t have to say it again.”
Nino is torn between being impressed that Aiba hadn’t called Gyoza a sheep, and incensed that his warning slips are interfering with Gyoza’s sidekick-ship. Surely supergoats were exempt.
He says as much to Jun.
Who only responds with the eyebrow thing again.
“Okay, fine,” Nino says, in his best harassed tone. “Fine. But it is now imperative that we do something to retrieve our lost fr - persons.” (Clinging on to his last shreds of villainy, ‘friends’ does not seem like an appropriate word to use.) He cuts Sho off, “- and do not say it is for the good of mankind.”
“I wasn’t going to,” Sho says. “No, we are something much better. We are -” (and Nino really should have seen it coming) “- the TEMPEST OF RIGHTEOUSNESS.”
“Whoo-bloody-hoo,” says Jun. The only person who seems genuinely up for it is Aiba. Nino looks like he would rather eat a sock.
“I would rather eat a sock,” Nino says.
“I don’t see you taking off your shoes,” Jun points out.
Nino resists the urge to drive his staff of fiendishness, new and improved version, straight through Jun’s chest. In very measured tones, he says, “I have to Very Strongly Object.”
“On what grounds?” Aiba says, with the air of officialdom.
Nino ignores him. “How about the Warlocks,” he says. “Of Wantonness.”
“I vote tempest,” Sho says immediately.
“I’m going to have to go with that,” Jun says, “- by law.”
Nino seethes quietly as he marches outside to retrieve Gyoza. Later, he will send Gyoza to gnaw on something of Jun’s. Perhaps his shoes. Jun looks like a man of many shoes. Nino is sure this will annoy him.
---------
The first thing Sho does, as president of the newly-founded Tempest of Righteousness, is to trip over his own feet on the way out.
“Very smooth, Egg-face,” says Nino.
“If we’re going to be a team, I insist you stop calling me that.”
“We are not a team,” Nino hisses. “Stop announcing it or I’ll have to start wearing a paper bag over my head.”
“Please, feel free.”
Nino glares at Jun, but only at his back - because after all, no one likes getting Slips. Nino can tell that Jun is in a Slip-giving mood.
“Righteous comrades, we must,” Sho announces, with great flourish and fanfare, “strategize.”
Sho (is having something of a field day)
Sho has always wanted to be part of a league, or a group of righteous comrades. Like SMAP down at the fire station, who ride around in fire engines putting out fires and rescuing cats and people.
At some point in the past he had attempted to join Yoko and Hina’s group, but logistical problems had arisen due to the fact that they were based in Osaka. So he had worked alone, a lone figure of justice in the night.
But now, no more. Now-
“Can you stop internally monologuing and actually join in with the strategising?” Nino snaps.
Sho bristles. “I am not-”
“Yes you are,” says the Ace. He sounds rather set-upon. “We’re looking at last known witnesses right now.”
Nino considers this. “Well, apart from us… there was also Maki-chan. Wasn’t she still hanging around when we left?”
“We have to find her!” Sho declaims.
Perhaps only Officer Aiba looks impressed.
“Oh, do shut up,” Nino tells him, before adding “Egg-face” for good measure. “I can just ring her. Oh-chan has all the regular customers’ numbers written down on the back of a furniture catalogue.”
Before Nino can start hunting for the catalogue, however, they are interrupted by an arrow zipping in through a broken window and embedding itself on the countertop.
“I’ve always wanted to be able to do that,” Nino murmurs. “You need minions to be able to do that. Minions.”
Attached to the very sparkly arrow is an equally sparkly note. It has glittering unicorns stamped all along its borders. The message inside is filled with random happy emoticons and far too many exclamation marks for anybody’s comfort.
To the Tempest of Righteousness:
We have your friends!!!!!!! ;D
*(^O^)* If you want them back,
Meet us at the ~Warehouse~ at 1900hrs!!!!!
~~~SEE YOU THERE!!!!!!!!!~~~ <( ^.^ )>
b(~_^)d
Hey!Say!JUMP
Jun (is perhaps the most long-suffering of all)
They are all in the patrol car now, making considerably slower progress since Sakurai climbed on board. His aptitude for failure is now legendary in the force; many a response team has been prevented from acting swiftly due to his radius of fail. It is perhaps a miracle that nothing particularly devastating has happened to this town. Yet.
Sakurai and Ninomiya are both fuming about the entrance of this group of new upstarts. It has yet to be clear whether these Hey!Say! fellows, with their excessive exclamation marks and unicorn sparkles, are vigilantes or villains, and this is now the main point of contention between the two.
To Jun there is no difference.
Vigilantism is a plague in this city, Jun always says. And along with the burning passionate fire of these misguided do-gooders will inevitably come the thick smoke of villainy.
Jun prefers cigarettes and gunpowder, like any cop worth his salt. Although he’s quit, recently. Though the spirit of it is still there.
He’s not the sort of cop who takes sides. He is the sort of cop who knows to keep his enemies close. And Sakurai and Ninomiya - he refuses to give them the pleasure of having secret identities - are now close indeed.
Aiba pokes Jun in the shoulder. “You’re brooding again.”
Jun turns and gives Aiba a look he has decided to call The Cool Appraisal.
Aiba looks duly appraised.
Ohno (gets Stockholm Syndrome straightaway)
Ohno starts to wonder only after the scenery speeding past the Jump!Mobile turns less into City and more into Wilderness.
“Chinen-kun,” he enquires gently, sipping from his flask. “Where - “
Chinen interrupts him with a triumphant cry of “WE’RE HERE!” before realizing that Ohno had been speaking.
“Sorry, what were you saying, Ohno-san?” He apologises hurriedly.
Ohno realizes that the way Chinen speaks bears a lot of resemblance to Nino (when he just needs someone to talk to about his schemes and is too Villainous to ask properly). It is endearing, really.
“Nothing - if we’re already here.” Ohno smiles, and takes another sip.
---------
Ohno gets introduced to all the remaining eight members of Hey!Say!JUMP (as they like to say with a twirl of hands and a shot off all of their Sparkle Guns).
“Ryutaro went to the Bahamas for a bit, to rest and recuperate from Being Devious. Sort of like a Villain’s Retreat.” Chinen’s voice is high and enthusiastic and Ohno is not sure why Chinen is telling him this, let alone if he’ll be able to remember any of their names in an hour.
“Come, come, Ohno-san! I’ll show you the dock like I promised! It’s right - “ Ohno lets Chinen tug him out through the back door and before them lies the glittering sea. The sun is setting, casting a receding golden glow across their faces. “- here!”
“Wow,” Ohno gasps softly. “Thank you, Chinen-kun!”
Chinen beams.
It’s nice to be around people smaller than he is again, Ohno thinks. Very Small, Very Cute People.
(Nino is not one because even if he is Cute, Ohno is the same small size as he is - and Ohno always sees Nino vehemently argue about his Un-Shortness in the coffee shop. It does make Ohno feel better about his own size.)
Nino (gets the figurative Upper Hand)
The one thing that never fails to surprise is how Gyoza gets places.
“You forget that he is a supergoat!” Nino cackles, almost scornful. That’ll teach them to call Gyoza a sheep again.
Officer Aiba is making what Nino supposes is meant to be tender goat noises to Gyoza by the time the rest of them manage to get themselves out of the car.
The rest stop is unnervingly quiet - and that is saying something because Villains are not unnerved easily.
Sho seems to sense this too, as he jolts himself out of gaping at Gyoza’s magical appearance to surveying the ominously empty car park.
“This. Is a sign,” he murmurs, pausing quite dramatically.
Jun ignores him.
“We need to strategize,” he tells Nino firmly, cuffing Officer Aiba on the back of his head to draw his attention to the matter at hand.
“Strategize - what?” Nino exclaims the same time Officer Aiba does.
“We don’t need to strategize - “ Nino thinks it is very rude that Aiba should cut him off like the way he does.
“But Matsujun, we’ve never strategized before,” Aiba cocks his head and frowns confusedly at Officer Matsumoto.
“Who rushes into the enemy’s lair without a plan?” interrupts Sho, visibly annoyed that they have started a Planning Conference without him. “As The Supreme Leader Of The Tempest Of Righteousness - “
Officer Matsumoto scowls at Sho, and his voice fades timidly into silence. Nino makes a mental note to invite Matsumoto to be his partner after all this hoo-ha is over.
AT THIS SAME MOMENT IN TIME -
Ohno (spends quality time with several new friends)
It is when Chinen gives Ohno a tour of the dilapidated warehouse that Ohno finds all of Sho’s and Nino’s lost friends.
“Chinen-kun,” Ohno says, tentatively. “Are these your friends too?”
“Everyone is our friend, Ohno-kun!” Chinen gives Ohno a grin that is almost blinding. Ohno can almost accept it. But -
“Then…those aren’t really locks?”
For the first time, Ohno sees Chinen’s brow crinkle a little. This is still Cute, though there is a hint of something Ohno cannot quite place. But suddenly the smile returns in all its bright sparkle. Ohno even feels the individual sparkles wiggling their way into his heart one by one, like an unnecessarily bright summer’s day.
“Those are for their safety!” Chinen explains. “We take good care of all our friends, Oh-chan. They even get cupcakes with pink sugar icing! They’re Yamada-kun’s specialty.”
“That’s very nice of you,” Ohno agrees, smiling at Chinen. This causes a curious reaction - Chinen shivers a little, emitting a squeal of glee.
Later, JUMP performs a dance that Chinen tells Ohno they prepared Specially for him.
Ohno can often hear the Capitalization of words when Chinen speaks to him. For instance, they are Very Glad to have him here. He is in fact welcome to stay Forever. Upon mention of Ohno’s café, Chinen insists that Yamada-kun can also make coffee for him, except better, because it is Prepared With Love and Tenderness.
The dance involves a great deal of winking.
“Did you like that, Ohno-kun?” chirps Chinen, when it is over. “We practiced a lot for you. I even ate cupcakes without icing for a whole month. That’s our training food.”
“It was very nice, Chinen-kun,” Ohno says.
“Would you dance with me someday?” Chinen says, eyes practically twice their size as he stares into Ohno’s. Ohno wonders how Chinen knew he liked social dancing.
“I don’t mind,” he says, absently twiddling a stray shred of the pink confetti that had exploded from above at the end of JUMP’s dance.
There it is - that squeal of glee again. And when Ohno looks up, Chinen doesn’t even have to say it. Ohno sees the Forever look in his eyes.
Aiba (only joined the Force for donuts)
In the empty carpark, the Tempest of Righteousness’ inaugural mission to save humankind (well, actually, just Ohno - but Nino insists that there is nothing ‘just’ about ensuring a villainous supply of caffeine and warlock role play) has been derailed.
This is saying something, especially for Aiba, who has seen Nagase make coffee stops during car chases.
With outstanding decisiveness, Sakurai has set up his Camp of Virtue, within ten metres of which he has forbidden Ninomiya from entering. This does not, in fact, bother Ninomiya, as ten metres also happens to be, at room temperature, Sakurai’s standard radius of fail. As a result, Sakurai has not managed to get anyone else on his side.
This, he proclaims, is unimportant, as he hears the whispers of his ancestors like a buffeting wind at his back and these give him Strength and Courage.
Aiba highly doubts that Sakurai is in any way related to the forty-seven ronin.
The other thing he cannot quite believe is that Ninomiya brought his DS.
Aiba does not even bring his Friends of the Zoo badges while on missions, because Matsujun insists that these fall under the category of Personal Items, and are hence distracting and inappropriate.
With the vigilante and the villain engaged in a cold war which only one of them seems personally invested in, Aiba has nothing to do but acquaint himself with Gyoza, the g - oops, supergoat.
He sidles over very discreetly, careful not to intrude on Jun’s brooding, which has just increased a notch.
“So,” he says, “what’s it like being a supergoat?”
Gyoza just gives him a once over and begins nibbling on Aiba’s epaulettes with his goat-sized teeth.
“I thought so,” Aiba nods, then lowers his voice. “Between you and me, it’s pretty much the same, being Matsujun’s partner.”
Gyoza makes a goaty noise of understanding - or perhaps he finds the police uniform nylon rather pleasant to chew on.
Shooting sounds and tinny music have started coming from Nino’s direction. Sakurai, meanwhile, sits on a checkered red picnic mat, looking disconsolate.
As Aiba continues his professional reconnaissance of the area, he sees It.
And It, Aiba knows, is something even Matsujun has a weak spot for. It is possibly the only thing Matsujun enjoys more than catching perps - that is, before he gave up tobacco. That had been a hard time for all of them.
It, obviously, is a Donut Shop.
Oh, wondrous salvation.
Ohno (did not bargain on having to touch anyone’s Sparkle Gun)
Ohno has still not quite figured out what nine boys are doing out here in the middle of nowhere, Very Small and Very Cute as they are.
“In the mornings, we frolic in the dewy fields and catch butterflies,” Chinen tells Ohno. “Though of course we always set them free.”
“I’ve never caught butterflies,” Ohno says. “Just fish.”
Chinen’s Glow of Admiration never seems to lose its glow. In fact, Chinen has been toggling it on and off at will for the entire - albeit short - span of their interaction.
“Ohno-kun is so talented,” Chinen says. Ohno shrugs. He cannot deny that this is somewhat pleasant, for Nino has never expressed quite so much enthusiasm for Ohno’s hobbies - except when they happen to coincide with Nino’s own. “Will Ohno-kun teach me how to fish, too?”
Ohno has never considered fishing as something that could be taught. It is inherent, even more inherent than being Cute.
“That would be difficult,” Ohno says.
Chinen pouts. “Why?”
“You see…” Ohno thinks. “Fishing is something you just know.”
“Ohno-kun doesn’t want to teach me?” Chinen says, lower lip actually trembling. Yes. Trembling. Ohno has only ever seen this happen in anime, during a particular phase of his adolescence he would rather not discuss.
Ohno did not say that he wouldn't teach Chinen. He opens his mouth to clarify this point, but gets derailed when he finally recognizes what he couldn't place before. And just like that, Cute becomes Deceptively So.
And that is also when Ohno realizes that he just might prefer Nino’s craftiness.
Part Two