Thoughts on Bounderies

[bzzzyb]

have been happening a lot here in the house. No, nothing is going wrong with John and I, we're A-Ok. No, this is just in general, and brought on by conversations with friends, family, and the political climate of this place. For the longest time I thought boundaries were things you put into to place to tell others how to behave. "You will not" and

Comments

[pinkdiamond]

You are totally correct.

I did this and wound up having to leave situations betcause even with several warnings that I would leave I wasn't respected.. I still wasn't respected.

But yes, we basically learn through conditioning, and people who have had their negative actions rewarded will continue. So we have to follow through with what we say.

It is much harder with a child though. Though I assume that visitation rights were sorted and defined legally? I suspect quite often, again, negative behaviour continues when people know the legal/charter/other regulations are so time consuming to enact that it won't get used.

I've definitely had my fair share of people bending the rules to breaking and have them be surprised because they are so used to getting away with doing that.

[bzzzyb]

"even with several warnings that I would leave I wasn't respected.. I still wasn't respected." Yeah....that happens. They will then, in my experience, try to turn your maintaining your boundaries into a negative. It took a while ( thanks OkStupid) but I learned that when they do that, I just laugh. After all, why should I be concerned about keeping the respect of a person that demanding that I essentially surrender my own self respect? It took a while tho to be sure. WIth regards to my friend, yes, the legal bits are sorted out, issue is he either won't enforce them OR he's scared to. Honestly I think sometimes he's afraid himself of "being alone", which I get, but she's only in it for his money, indeed, that's the only reason this kid exists, she was hoping to get more money out of his family one a child happened, a sad fact he learned the hard way. What ends up happening is he has child during the week. She's to have child on the weekends. Child gets upset because the kid doesn't care for Mom either. Kid screams and pitches a damn

[bzzzyb]

And it's always amusing to me when you tell a person, I will do this if you do that, they do that, you then do this, AND THEY GET MAD. I'm like really? I *told* you exactly what would happen. Like, *exactly* what my response would be if you choose to do this thing in my area.....and you choose to do the thing.... Wth did you think would happen? *sigh*

[pinkdiamond]

Oh that's tough. If the child is saying and acting in this way that really tugs emotions and also real fear for the future.

That said. I'm pretty sure if there was mediation with someone who can read through the requirements (so not either parent) and they had a chance to ask questions and have them be answered it might help. But yeah, sadly this child is going to learn a lot of really difficult responsibilties so it makes it really important to keep those boundaries. At this rate the only lesson being learned is that boundaries are easily pushed if you are enough of a bother. At least with one parent maintaining them the child learns that it's not always the case.

I learned what emotional manipulation was at 12, I was told that was what I was doing, and I thought about it and it gradually seeped in. I still need to keep remembering when I talk about how I am impacted by the actions of others- to just express not to try and elicit an action that I want. It kind of needs to be a disclaimer on every post maybe....