Another meme drabble!
One more meme drabble! Some of the other prompts are pretty hard to write, so I'll just write them one at a time, when I have the inspiration. In the meantime, here's one from
zelda_addict:
(Possibly AU) 5 has to purchase an embarrassing personal product, which then has to be price-checked at the register. How do they react?
(Rated T for sexual innuendo and swearing. My first AU, but an unimaginative one. Also, a bit of ZoNa.)
Zoro's left eyebrow twitched violently as he stared at the scrap of paper in his hand. It was as if his housemates at Going Merry Mansions had designed it to be the most humiliating shopping list ever made - and he wouldn't put it past them to have done it for a prank! He looked away and back again, willing the words to change, but no. They still read:
1) Box of XS condoms.
There was no way in hell...who among them needed XS condoms, anyway? Okay, so Tony was still young, and with his hormonal condition there was the possibility that he hadn't fully developed, but...why did he need condoms at his age?
Zoro sighed. Maybe it was time Tony had the "birds-and-bees" explained to him. He wondered who he could pressgang into doing it for him.
Luffy?
...
...
Zoro wiped away the tears of mirth from the barks of laughter he'd just been reduced to. He reminded himself that drawing attention to himself while standing in the personal hygiene aisle was a surefire way to increase the humiliation of this whole shopping trip.
Usopp? No, any talk he gave would probably be couched in some tall tale about his wild flings with gorgeous amazons. Besides, that girl he was sweet on, Kaya, seemed the sort who would want to wait for marriage, so he doubted that Usopp was actually much more sexually mature than Tony himself. Nami would do it, but she would also charge him an arm and a leg. Sanji? For all the ero-cook's lusting over women, Zoro was sure he was as virginal as Usopp.
Then Zoro reminded himself that the child genius was studying to become a doctor, for crying out loud, he already knew all about the birds and the bees! Stop being so goddamned fatherly! he scolded himself. Tony knows what he's doing! He can take care of himself! He took a glance up and down the aisle, making sure the coast was clear, and chucked in the box of XS condoms.
Finally. One down. Zoro took a deep breath and looked at the second item.
2) Pregnancy test.
Wait a minute! Now that the haze of embarrassment had cleared, Zoro realised the implications of those two words. It wasn't for Nami, was it? The handwriting was a little scrawled, and didn't look much like hers, but as the only resident of the apartment with a womb...Zoro gulped hard, reached out with a shaking hand for the pregnancy test, and tossed it into the basket.
3) Tampons, 20-pack, 2 boxes. There's a promotion on the Bloody Mary brand this week, make sure you pick the right ones! 500 beli each box!
The "500 beli" part was underlined thrice. Now that was Nami. But if she needed tampons...and yet needed a pregnancy test...Zoro decided that women's anatomy was weird, located the right product, and threw two in, feeling a mite less nervous than before. He glanced at the next item in the list.
4) KY jelly.
"Okay, now someone's definitely trying to fuck with me," Zoro spat out through clenched teeth.
A little old lady who was just passing looked at the jar of KY jelly in his hand, up at him, and hastily tottered away.
"No! I didn't mean it that way!" he called after her, feeling his cheeks redden in embarrassment. That only made her put on an added spurt of speed. "Gah!" He threw the jar into the basket, swearing that he would get even with the ero-cook for putting that on the list, since he was sure he'd written it in for a laugh, given that the last item on the list was:
5) Two cucumbers.
Swearing at the audacity of the chef, Zoro stomped over to the grocery aisle, picked up the two cucumbers, and then contemplated his check-out options.
Damn it! The automated check-out was closed for repairs. And there weren't any male cashiers on duty who might just sympathise with his plight. That left the girl with the long black hair, and a motherly-looking middle-aged woman.
That little old lady from before notwithstanding, Zoro usually had quite a bit of luck endearing himself to older women, so he went to queue in the middle-aged cashier's line, behind the one other customer - just as she turned off the light on hers.
"Oh, I'm sorry, dearie, but I'm due for my break," she said, seeing his dismayed expression. "Robin-chan's check-out is still open, though." She pointed at the black-haired girl.
Zoro went around to the cashier and silently put the basket on the belt, hoping to inspire silence in return.
Sadly, it was not to be.
"How...surprising," Robin said, giving his crotch area a cool appraising look as she swiped the box of XS condoms.
Zoro turned bright red as he spluttered for an appropriate reply.
"Although that might explain why you might need one of these," she said, swiping the pregnancy test next. "If you don't mind me saying so, sir, if you're buying a pregnancy test it may be a little late to be buying condoms."
"They're not mine! And I do mind you saying so!" Zoro hissed.
"Men's equipment come in all shapes and sizes, sir, there's really no reason to get upset," Robin said evenly, as Zoro counted from one to ten, willing himself to calm down. It wouldn't be good publicity for Sensei's dojo if its assistant master beat up the local supermarket's cashier over a box of XS condoms.
The girl swiped the boxes of tampons without comment, but Zoro blinked when the display on the cash register read "1500 beli". "Hey, wait a minute, those are supposed to be 500 beli each," he objected.
"Oh, is that so?" Robin examined the box. "I'll have to do a price-check, sir."
"Whoa, whoa, wait!" Zoro began.
"Would you rather just pay the 1500 beli, sir?"
"Er - no," Zoro said helplessly. Nami would give him hell if he over-paid for those things! "But can you do it discreetly?" he pleaded.
"Of course, sir." Robin picked up a small device and spoke into it. "Price check on one Bloody Mary 20-pack of tampons for the green-haired gentleman at Check-out 6," her voice rang out over the whole supermarket.
Zoro could feel the eyes of every single employee and shopper in the store boring into his back. "How the hell was that DISCREET?" he roared.
"Oh, did you say discreet, sir? I thought you meant discrete, as in, asking for the price of a single box, not two."
"Why the hell would I fucking care how you ask for the price?!"
"Attention, Check-out 6, the price of one Bloody Mary 20-pack of tampons is 500 beli," a disembodied voice on the PA system announced, with just a hint of smirking.
"You were right, sir. 500 beli each. Now wasn't that price check worth it?" Robin gave him a pleasant smile.
Zoro decided that she must be the devil incarnate.
"Two cucumbers...one box of KY jelly. My, my. I see you like it both ways, sir."
"Would you let me pay already!" Zoro half-shouted, half-begged.
"Of course, sir. 3,725 beli." Zoro tossed down a 5,000-beli note at her, waited for an eternity as she counted him the change, and marched out, acutely feeling the curious looks of his fellow shoppers. He decided that (a) he was never going to come back to this store again, (b) the others could damn well do their own shopping next time, and (c) someone was going to pay for this. Probably Sanji.
His only consolation was that he would never see that black-haired witch again. And for that, he was glad.
"I'm home," Zoro announced surlily when he stepped into the apartment, having stewed the whole walk home.
"Welcome back." Nami crossed over to him and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Oh, good, you remembered to get the groceries! Did you manage to get the sale price?"
"Yeah, I managed to get it," Zoro growled, remembering the humiliation he had endured to save a mere five hundred beli.
"Good." She gave him a dazzling smile that made it almost - almost - worth it.
"You're late, bastard," Sanji said, sliding open the kitchen door. "On the one night I'm free to cook dinner for my lovely Nami-swan, too! Did you get lost or something?"
"No," Zoro snapped. "And here's your fucking cucumbers and KY jelly," he said darkly, practically hurling the three items at the cook's face.
Sanji caught them easily. He looked at the small jar with a puzzled expression. "KY jelly? That's not mine." He tossed it back.
"Oh. It's not?" Zoro was a little surprised that the ero-cook hadn't caught on to the sexual implications. Damn it, was it him who had the dirty mind? At least that confirmed his suspicions that the cook was innocent as a daisy...
"The KY jelly's mine, Zoro," Usopp volunteered, strolling into the living room from his own.
"Er, it is?" Zoro stammered. Usopp was the last person he'd have expected to be into that kind of thing...
"Yeah. Someone down at the shop told me to put it on the reel of my fishing rod."
Zoro blinked for a moment, trying to figure out what Usopp meant by the "reel" on his "rod" when he realised he was being literal. "Oh, er, great!"
"Wait a minute," Sanji began, a sly smile spreading across his face, "you didn't think I was gonna use the KY jelly to..." He made an mildly obscene gesture with the cucumbers, angling his body so that Nami wouldn't see it.
"Shut the fuck up," Zoro growled. But that reminded him... "Oh yeah, who do the XS condoms belong to anyway?" He held them up.
"You ask us that now, but maybe they're for your own 'sword', ero-swordsman."
"What were you just trying to imply, ero-cook?" Zoro said threateningly. "Maybe they're yours, and you don't want to admit it!"
"Oh, the condoms are mine, Zoro!" Luffy waved his hand enthusiastically, interrupting the confrontation.
Every jaw in the room dropped. "LUFFY!" Forget the size, Luffy needing condoms?
Nami was the first to recover from the shock. "Luffy, what do you plan to do with the condoms?" she asked carefully.
"Make water balloons! They're great for that!"
The whole room breathed a simultaneous sigh of relief. Luffy. Condoms. Water balloons. It made so much sense now.
"If it was for water balloons, why couldn't you have bought a more normal size, you little..."
"Sowwy Zowo!" Luffy gasped.
"D'you know what I went through to get those things for you?!" Zoro roared.
"Zoro," Nami said sternly, before he could strangle their landlord to death.
Zoro reluctantly let go.
Nami whispered, "Besides, I know you don't need XS condoms, and that's all that matters, right?"
"I guess...oh yeah, please tell me this isn't for you." Zoro pulled the last item out of the bag.
"A pregnancy test? I sure don't need it!"
"Oh, that's mine," Tony said casually, having wandered away from his studies to see what the commotion was all about.
"TONY!" Everyone looked around at the smallish boy.
He blinked up at them behind his spectacles. "It's not what you think! Really! It's just for some experiments! I wanted to analyse what chemicals they use in the test kit, that's all!"
"Oh." Zoro breathed another sigh of mixed relief, glad that he wouldn't have to give "the talk" after all. "I'm gonna go take a nap before dinner," he announced, heading over to his room. That one shopping trip had been more draining than five straight hours of kendo practice.
The doorbell rang. Zoro groaned. He was not up for company right now.
"Oh, guys, I forgot to mention to you, I arranged for an acquaintance to look at Vivi's room, since she had to go back home," Nami said briskly, crossing over towards the door.
"Great! Less rent!" Usopp cheered. "Who is it?"
"Another lady, perhaps?" Sanji asked, hearts popping out of his eyes.
"Actually, yes. She's a graduate student of archaeology at the university, but she also works part-time at the local supermarket...hello, Robin!"
No fucking way! Zoro thought, but there she was. The black-haired she-devil, with that evilly calm and calculating smile on her face. Her gaze swept past the mellorining cook, and lit upon Zoro. "Oh, hello, Green-haired Pervert-san," she said pleasantly.
Well, at least Nami wouldn't stand for her boyfriend being called a pervert, would she?
"Oh, you already know Zoro? That makes things so much easier!" Nami said happily.
That was not the response Zoro had been hoping for.
Robin looked at the pregnancy test kit in tiny Tony Chopper's hand, Luffy's condoms, Sanji's cucumbers, and Usopp's lube.
"Hmm. I think I'm going to enjoy living here," she commented.
"Great! Then you can stay!" Luffy declared.
"You can't let her stay just like THAT!" Zoro yelled. He swung around, looking at the others for support.
"You won't hear any objections from me!" Sanji said, openly ogling the woman.
"Hey, if it'll decrease our rent, I have no problems with it," Usopp shrugged, and Nami nodded approvingly.
Zoro looked desperately at Tony, but his eyes were sparkling at the thought of having a fellow intellectual to converse with.
Zoro groaned and nodded his surrender.
"Well! I guess that's decided, then," Nami said. "Robin, you'll stay for dinner, right? Good! Sanji-kun, you can make an additional portion for dinner, can't you?"
"Of course, Nami-swan!" Sanji bustled back into the kitchen with his cucumbers.
"Zoro, would you mind getting out the larger table...Zoro? Zoro?"
He had already slunk away to his room to seek solace in slumber.
zelda_addict:
(Possibly AU) 5 has to purchase an embarrassing personal product, which then has to be price-checked at the register. How do they react?
(Rated T for sexual innuendo and swearing. My first AU, but an unimaginative one. Also, a bit of ZoNa.)
Zoro's left eyebrow twitched violently as he stared at the scrap of paper in his hand. It was as if his housemates at Going Merry Mansions had designed it to be the most humiliating shopping list ever made - and he wouldn't put it past them to have done it for a prank! He looked away and back again, willing the words to change, but no. They still read:
1) Box of XS condoms.
There was no way in hell...who among them needed XS condoms, anyway? Okay, so Tony was still young, and with his hormonal condition there was the possibility that he hadn't fully developed, but...why did he need condoms at his age?
Zoro sighed. Maybe it was time Tony had the "birds-and-bees" explained to him. He wondered who he could pressgang into doing it for him.
Luffy?
...
...
Zoro wiped away the tears of mirth from the barks of laughter he'd just been reduced to. He reminded himself that drawing attention to himself while standing in the personal hygiene aisle was a surefire way to increase the humiliation of this whole shopping trip.
Usopp? No, any talk he gave would probably be couched in some tall tale about his wild flings with gorgeous amazons. Besides, that girl he was sweet on, Kaya, seemed the sort who would want to wait for marriage, so he doubted that Usopp was actually much more sexually mature than Tony himself. Nami would do it, but she would also charge him an arm and a leg. Sanji? For all the ero-cook's lusting over women, Zoro was sure he was as virginal as Usopp.
Then Zoro reminded himself that the child genius was studying to become a doctor, for crying out loud, he already knew all about the birds and the bees! Stop being so goddamned fatherly! he scolded himself. Tony knows what he's doing! He can take care of himself! He took a glance up and down the aisle, making sure the coast was clear, and chucked in the box of XS condoms.
Finally. One down. Zoro took a deep breath and looked at the second item.
2) Pregnancy test.
Wait a minute! Now that the haze of embarrassment had cleared, Zoro realised the implications of those two words. It wasn't for Nami, was it? The handwriting was a little scrawled, and didn't look much like hers, but as the only resident of the apartment with a womb...Zoro gulped hard, reached out with a shaking hand for the pregnancy test, and tossed it into the basket.
3) Tampons, 20-pack, 2 boxes. There's a promotion on the Bloody Mary brand this week, make sure you pick the right ones! 500 beli each box!
The "500 beli" part was underlined thrice. Now that was Nami. But if she needed tampons...and yet needed a pregnancy test...Zoro decided that women's anatomy was weird, located the right product, and threw two in, feeling a mite less nervous than before. He glanced at the next item in the list.
4) KY jelly.
"Okay, now someone's definitely trying to fuck with me," Zoro spat out through clenched teeth.
A little old lady who was just passing looked at the jar of KY jelly in his hand, up at him, and hastily tottered away.
"No! I didn't mean it that way!" he called after her, feeling his cheeks redden in embarrassment. That only made her put on an added spurt of speed. "Gah!" He threw the jar into the basket, swearing that he would get even with the ero-cook for putting that on the list, since he was sure he'd written it in for a laugh, given that the last item on the list was:
5) Two cucumbers.
Swearing at the audacity of the chef, Zoro stomped over to the grocery aisle, picked up the two cucumbers, and then contemplated his check-out options.
Damn it! The automated check-out was closed for repairs. And there weren't any male cashiers on duty who might just sympathise with his plight. That left the girl with the long black hair, and a motherly-looking middle-aged woman.
That little old lady from before notwithstanding, Zoro usually had quite a bit of luck endearing himself to older women, so he went to queue in the middle-aged cashier's line, behind the one other customer - just as she turned off the light on hers.
"Oh, I'm sorry, dearie, but I'm due for my break," she said, seeing his dismayed expression. "Robin-chan's check-out is still open, though." She pointed at the black-haired girl.
Zoro went around to the cashier and silently put the basket on the belt, hoping to inspire silence in return.
Sadly, it was not to be.
"How...surprising," Robin said, giving his crotch area a cool appraising look as she swiped the box of XS condoms.
Zoro turned bright red as he spluttered for an appropriate reply.
"Although that might explain why you might need one of these," she said, swiping the pregnancy test next. "If you don't mind me saying so, sir, if you're buying a pregnancy test it may be a little late to be buying condoms."
"They're not mine! And I do mind you saying so!" Zoro hissed.
"Men's equipment come in all shapes and sizes, sir, there's really no reason to get upset," Robin said evenly, as Zoro counted from one to ten, willing himself to calm down. It wouldn't be good publicity for Sensei's dojo if its assistant master beat up the local supermarket's cashier over a box of XS condoms.
The girl swiped the boxes of tampons without comment, but Zoro blinked when the display on the cash register read "1500 beli". "Hey, wait a minute, those are supposed to be 500 beli each," he objected.
"Oh, is that so?" Robin examined the box. "I'll have to do a price-check, sir."
"Whoa, whoa, wait!" Zoro began.
"Would you rather just pay the 1500 beli, sir?"
"Er - no," Zoro said helplessly. Nami would give him hell if he over-paid for those things! "But can you do it discreetly?" he pleaded.
"Of course, sir." Robin picked up a small device and spoke into it. "Price check on one Bloody Mary 20-pack of tampons for the green-haired gentleman at Check-out 6," her voice rang out over the whole supermarket.
Zoro could feel the eyes of every single employee and shopper in the store boring into his back. "How the hell was that DISCREET?" he roared.
"Oh, did you say discreet, sir? I thought you meant discrete, as in, asking for the price of a single box, not two."
"Why the hell would I fucking care how you ask for the price?!"
"Attention, Check-out 6, the price of one Bloody Mary 20-pack of tampons is 500 beli," a disembodied voice on the PA system announced, with just a hint of smirking.
"You were right, sir. 500 beli each. Now wasn't that price check worth it?" Robin gave him a pleasant smile.
Zoro decided that she must be the devil incarnate.
"Two cucumbers...one box of KY jelly. My, my. I see you like it both ways, sir."
"Would you let me pay already!" Zoro half-shouted, half-begged.
"Of course, sir. 3,725 beli." Zoro tossed down a 5,000-beli note at her, waited for an eternity as she counted him the change, and marched out, acutely feeling the curious looks of his fellow shoppers. He decided that (a) he was never going to come back to this store again, (b) the others could damn well do their own shopping next time, and (c) someone was going to pay for this. Probably Sanji.
His only consolation was that he would never see that black-haired witch again. And for that, he was glad.
"I'm home," Zoro announced surlily when he stepped into the apartment, having stewed the whole walk home.
"Welcome back." Nami crossed over to him and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Oh, good, you remembered to get the groceries! Did you manage to get the sale price?"
"Yeah, I managed to get it," Zoro growled, remembering the humiliation he had endured to save a mere five hundred beli.
"Good." She gave him a dazzling smile that made it almost - almost - worth it.
"You're late, bastard," Sanji said, sliding open the kitchen door. "On the one night I'm free to cook dinner for my lovely Nami-swan, too! Did you get lost or something?"
"No," Zoro snapped. "And here's your fucking cucumbers and KY jelly," he said darkly, practically hurling the three items at the cook's face.
Sanji caught them easily. He looked at the small jar with a puzzled expression. "KY jelly? That's not mine." He tossed it back.
"Oh. It's not?" Zoro was a little surprised that the ero-cook hadn't caught on to the sexual implications. Damn it, was it him who had the dirty mind? At least that confirmed his suspicions that the cook was innocent as a daisy...
"The KY jelly's mine, Zoro," Usopp volunteered, strolling into the living room from his own.
"Er, it is?" Zoro stammered. Usopp was the last person he'd have expected to be into that kind of thing...
"Yeah. Someone down at the shop told me to put it on the reel of my fishing rod."
Zoro blinked for a moment, trying to figure out what Usopp meant by the "reel" on his "rod" when he realised he was being literal. "Oh, er, great!"
"Wait a minute," Sanji began, a sly smile spreading across his face, "you didn't think I was gonna use the KY jelly to..." He made an mildly obscene gesture with the cucumbers, angling his body so that Nami wouldn't see it.
"Shut the fuck up," Zoro growled. But that reminded him... "Oh yeah, who do the XS condoms belong to anyway?" He held them up.
"You ask us that now, but maybe they're for your own 'sword', ero-swordsman."
"What were you just trying to imply, ero-cook?" Zoro said threateningly. "Maybe they're yours, and you don't want to admit it!"
"Oh, the condoms are mine, Zoro!" Luffy waved his hand enthusiastically, interrupting the confrontation.
Every jaw in the room dropped. "LUFFY!" Forget the size, Luffy needing condoms?
Nami was the first to recover from the shock. "Luffy, what do you plan to do with the condoms?" she asked carefully.
"Make water balloons! They're great for that!"
The whole room breathed a simultaneous sigh of relief. Luffy. Condoms. Water balloons. It made so much sense now.
"If it was for water balloons, why couldn't you have bought a more normal size, you little..."
"Sowwy Zowo!" Luffy gasped.
"D'you know what I went through to get those things for you?!" Zoro roared.
"Zoro," Nami said sternly, before he could strangle their landlord to death.
Zoro reluctantly let go.
Nami whispered, "Besides, I know you don't need XS condoms, and that's all that matters, right?"
"I guess...oh yeah, please tell me this isn't for you." Zoro pulled the last item out of the bag.
"A pregnancy test? I sure don't need it!"
"Oh, that's mine," Tony said casually, having wandered away from his studies to see what the commotion was all about.
"TONY!" Everyone looked around at the smallish boy.
He blinked up at them behind his spectacles. "It's not what you think! Really! It's just for some experiments! I wanted to analyse what chemicals they use in the test kit, that's all!"
"Oh." Zoro breathed another sigh of mixed relief, glad that he wouldn't have to give "the talk" after all. "I'm gonna go take a nap before dinner," he announced, heading over to his room. That one shopping trip had been more draining than five straight hours of kendo practice.
The doorbell rang. Zoro groaned. He was not up for company right now.
"Oh, guys, I forgot to mention to you, I arranged for an acquaintance to look at Vivi's room, since she had to go back home," Nami said briskly, crossing over towards the door.
"Great! Less rent!" Usopp cheered. "Who is it?"
"Another lady, perhaps?" Sanji asked, hearts popping out of his eyes.
"Actually, yes. She's a graduate student of archaeology at the university, but she also works part-time at the local supermarket...hello, Robin!"
No fucking way! Zoro thought, but there she was. The black-haired she-devil, with that evilly calm and calculating smile on her face. Her gaze swept past the mellorining cook, and lit upon Zoro. "Oh, hello, Green-haired Pervert-san," she said pleasantly.
Well, at least Nami wouldn't stand for her boyfriend being called a pervert, would she?
"Oh, you already know Zoro? That makes things so much easier!" Nami said happily.
That was not the response Zoro had been hoping for.
Robin looked at the pregnancy test kit in tiny Tony Chopper's hand, Luffy's condoms, Sanji's cucumbers, and Usopp's lube.
"Hmm. I think I'm going to enjoy living here," she commented.
"Great! Then you can stay!" Luffy declared.
"You can't let her stay just like THAT!" Zoro yelled. He swung around, looking at the others for support.
"You won't hear any objections from me!" Sanji said, openly ogling the woman.
"Hey, if it'll decrease our rent, I have no problems with it," Usopp shrugged, and Nami nodded approvingly.
Zoro looked desperately at Tony, but his eyes were sparkling at the thought of having a fellow intellectual to converse with.
Zoro groaned and nodded his surrender.
"Well! I guess that's decided, then," Nami said. "Robin, you'll stay for dinner, right? Good! Sanji-kun, you can make an additional portion for dinner, can't you?"
"Of course, Nami-swan!" Sanji bustled back into the kitchen with his cucumbers.
"Zoro, would you mind getting out the larger table...Zoro? Zoro?"
He had already slunk away to his room to seek solace in slumber.