Life With the Mammoth Hunters
Lookit what I found while prowling the Pit - an Earth's Children Sue.
Disclaimers
- The fic the Agents face in this mission is Life With the Mammoth Hunters. It belongs to cuddlebear992, not me. Definitely not me.
- The PPC is not mine; it was created by Jay and Acacia, who kindly allowed other people to write in the world they created.
- Earth’s Children and the characters thereof belong to Jean M. Auel, a favourite writer of mine (and by extent, Agent Cassie, who claims to be an alter-ego of myself).
- The DOGA CAD was invented by huinesoron and has proven itself to be an almost indispensable addition to my Agents’ technology.
- Nat, Cassie and Kelvin do belong to me, although they frequently argue that point.
Author’s notes
- Earth’s Children has been a favourite series of mine for a long time. I am fully aware of the opinions held by many - that the heroine, Ayla, is a blatant Canon Sue, that the hero Jondalar’s private bits are practically a separate character, and that the books have a large amount of graphic porn. Nevertheless, I find the story, and especially the setting, to be a fascinating read, and dislike the idea of teenage non-canon Sues wandering around it.
- This mission is set somewhere at the back end of April 2009, probably around the 20th. (This note is added due to my inexplicable need to keep track of my Agents' timeline.)
- Thanks go to agenttrojie, who was willing to let me rant at her about this particular fic, and also read through the mission to make sure I wasn’t making any horrible canon mistakes.
- And finally, many, many thanks as always to my lovely beta-reader tea_fiend.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
This sound, well-known to anybody who was an employee of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, shook the very rafters of Response Centre #10 (or would have, had it possessed rafters). It jolted everyone in the room fully awake, causing a fair amount of grumbling as the three Agents got up and hurried over to the console to see what they were dealing with this time. Nat hit the button to bring up the fic, and the trio stood reading it for a few moments.
"I’m sorry, but what?" was the first thing that was said. Rather predictably, this query came from Cassie. "Earth’s Children? I didn't know it was a big enough fandom to warrant Suethors."
“Do ya know it, then?” Nat asked.
“I have to say I do,” Cassie gritted out, “and I don’t appreciate Sues marching into that world to screw it up.”
“What’s it about?” Kelvin enquired, heading over to the backpacks. This prompted a sigh as Cassie leaned against the console and began explaining.
“Briefly, it’s a series of novels set in the distant past of World One - about twenty-five thousand years back, if I recall correctly. At that point in time there was an Ice Age, where there were glaciers all over northern Europe. The novels kind of follow a human girl’s travels around the continent, meeting different peoples as she goes.”
“Human? What other kind of people were there back then? I thought you said your world didn’t have Elves or Dwarves or other races like that.”
“Well, it’s kind of difficult to explain… I guess you’ll see if we run across any, okay?”
“What kind o’ disguises are we ‘avin’?” Nat queried, examining the console. “I’m guessin’ we’re goin’ as cavemen or somethin’, right?”
“Not the kind you’re thinking of,” Cassie grinned, knowing that her friend most likely had Neanderthals in mind as opposed to modern-day Homo sapiens. “Here, let me do it.” She examined the console for a while before punching in a few commands. “It’s a fairly obscure fandom, as far as I know, and the choice of disguises is pretty much limited to humans. We’re going to need different weapons, though.”
“What’s wrong with what we have?” Kelvin examined his bow and arrows as though checking for flaws.
“This is set in what we call the Stone Age,” was the patient reply. “The only weapons they had were spears tipped with bone or flint, or stone knives. And somehow I doubt the Armoury’s going to have those in… too much risk of being broken. I think we’re just going to have to go in there unarmed and use some canonically-appropriate way to kill the Sue and her friend - speaking of which, who wants the Stu bit?”
“I’ll take ‘im if ya like,” Nat grinned. “Kelvin got the last one, after all.”
“Yes, go right ahead. And I really wanted to be reminded of that, thank you very much.” Kelvin shuddered a little. Their last kill had been rather noisy, as the Sue had managed to evade all attempts to silence her before death and screamed for help. This had caused the entire Fellowship to turn up in force to save her before the Elf managed to shut her up by running her through.
“Sorry. Well, there are plenty of ways to kill these two without getting our hands messy.”
“Such as?” Kelvin had put down his weapons and was now putting on his backpack, casting a glance over at Nat, who was doing the same thing.
“Death by falling over a cliff is fairly valid. Or we could dump them on a glacier and see how long it takes for them to freeze to death. Or there’s the predators all over the place, volcanoes, marshes, fast-running rivers… take your pick.” Cassie put her own pack on, picked up her notepad and pen, and hit the button to open the portal. She stepped through into the generic pre-story space, promptly followed by the other two, and braced herself for the disclaimer, noting their disguises with interest. Sure enough, it rang out almost immediately.
Disclamer: I do not own the Earth's Children Books ... but everthing else in my story not from the book is mine mine all mine!
As the sound of the ‘disclamer’ faded, Nat, who had just noticed that the fic was in first-person tense, scrambled for her Canon Analysis Device and waited for it to start beeping.
[First-person tense detected. Revert Agents to third-person tense Y/N?]
She punched the ‘Y’ button just in time as a voice echoed around them.
"Wake up. Please wake up." A voice pleaded from far away. At least is sounded far away, like we were at different ends of a long tunnel.
Kelvin, who now appeared to be a black-haired, tanned young man dressed in a fur tunic and leggings, looked around at the featureless surroundings. “You would think that somebody would try to describe the setting once in a while, wouldn't you?”
“Not really,” Nat replied, paying more attention to her new appearance - long ash-blonde hair tied back with a strip of leather, a slightly deeper skin tone and a similar outfit to Kelvin’s. She wrinkled her nose at the smell of the clothes. “Um, Cass, can I ask ya somethin’?”
“Hmm?” Cassie, seemingly unconcerned about the appearance of either the surroundings or her companions and herself, was busily writing charges.
“Why are we wearin’ this stuff? It stinks.”
“We’re going into an Ice Age setting, and I’m guessing it’s autumn or early winter, so it’s going to be bloody freezing. And I don’t mean that in the figurative sense.” Nat shivered as the Words described the cold, followed by a rambling aside on the fact that the Sue could hear a teenage boy’s voice calling her. This went on for a couple of minutes or so before the Sue, now revealed to be a girl named Abigail, opened her eyes.
I was shocked at who it was next to me, Lane. I went to school with him. He was in one of my classes and he was one of my friends. I still wondered why he had been so worried. So I decided I would ask him. But later I though would be better, because I was wondering where I was by now. It was cold; I think I was on the ground and why was Lane, of all people, next to me.
At this point the action began to unfold as two featureless humans popped into existence, one - apparently the Sue, Abigail - lying on the floor, and the other, her friend Lane, kneeling next to her. At the same time, due to the total lack of description, the canon began to assert itself. This led to the scene transforming from grey nothingness into a huge vista of the Ice Age loess steppes; judging from the dried grass as far as the eye could see and various herds of grazing animals moving through it, the time of year was mid-autumn. Somehow, Canon was on their side and the day was beautiful - windy, of course, but sunny, which made the yellow dried grass gleam. All in all, it was a stunning scene.
“Wow…” Cassie breathed, rather elated as she realised where she was standing. “Isn't it awesome?”
“Yeah, it’s awesome, but ya need to ‘ide before we get seen, ya muppet!” Nat and Kelvin had already dropped to the ground, figuring that the tall grass would hide them sufficiently. Cassie quickly joined them, a huge grin on her face.
“What are you so happy about?” Kelvin enquired, smiling back; his partner’s grin was infectious in its enthusiasm.
“I’ve wanted to see this first-hand for ages,” she replied, trying to keep her voice down. However, her face fell when Nat pointed out:
“Yeah, an’ if we ‘ang around ‘ere too long, we’re goin’ ta get ta see what it’s like from the inside of a bleedin’ snowball.”
As the smaller Agent opened her mouth to reply, Kelvin cut in. “Let’s just concentrate on the fic, shall we?” Inwardly he sighed as Cassie nodded and turned her attention to her notebook and the two original characters. Having spent four months as the girls’ partner, he was getting depressingly skilled at heading off their arguments.
A trumpet abruptly blared out, causing everyone to look around in bewilderment. “A’right, even I know that wouldn’t ‘appen.” Nat rose slowly from her sitting position, hoping to get a look at whatever was causing the noise while avoiding attention from the Sue. “Oh, Cass? You ‘ave got ta see this.”
After taking a brief look, gaping, and spitting out a rather unpleasant word, Cassie sat down and began scribbling again, ranting under her breath. “A heard of mammoths? A heard?” Deciding to leave her to it, Nat kept one eye on the blurry, semi-visible mammoths that had randomly appeared and were wandering by, making far more noise than they really should have done, and the other on the Sue and Stu. Kelvin also watched, fascinated. LOTR fics were becoming rather routine, but he’d never seen this kind of place before. Watching the mammoths, he decided that they looked rather like mûmakil, if those creatures were only ten feet tall and were covered with fur.
Having written down the charge with only a trace of illegibility, Cassie edged towards the Sue just in time to hear her start talking.
"I know where we are." I said in a small voice. I was sure I did, but I hoped beyond hope that I was wrong. But how could I be wrong the proof was in front of my face.
He tore his eyes away from the mammoths and looked at me. "Where?" he asked shocked.
"I think we fell into my book. One of my favorite." I said a small voice still.
"Your book?" he asked slightly confused.
“That’s a really good point, pal,” the Agent muttered, noting down ‘claiming that the Earth’s Children series belongs to you’ and listening to Abigail talk in a “sort of monotone” about which book from the series was her favourite. Nat and Kelvin joined her after a few moments, though neither of them had much to contribute to the charge list.
“How many chapters do we have to go through?” the young man asked, examining the Words briefly.
“Bored already?” Cassie teased, rolling her eyes at the Sue and Stu as they watched the random mammoth heard (not herd, which would have made sense, she thought with annoyance) pass by, making a godawful racket. “I think there’s five chapters, but they all seem to blend into each other, so we won’t really notice the changes. We may as well get comfortable for a bit, this scene’s just the pair of them worrying about what they’re going to do.” He nodded, ignoring her jibe and paying close attention to their two targets.
"We need to find shelter before nightfall. And preferably fire wood too, it's going to get really cold tonight. And we will need water so lets just try to find water first." I said to him thinking of all the things we needed to do.
"Ok, then which way do we go?” He looked at me.
“Shouldn’t they be more concerned about how they ended up in this situation to begin with? Or how they’re going to get back?” Kelvin enquired, twirling a stalk of dried grass in his fingers until Nat neatly plucked it out of his hand with a grin.
“Yeah, most normal people would be worrying about that, but this is a Sue, Kel. Going home doesn’t factor into her plans.” Cassie flicked a bit of dirt towards Abigail, who was busy explaining to her friend that if they took the wrong direction they would die. “She’ll still start crying about the possibility of dying, though. Any moment… now.” The Sue, still lacking any distinct features other than a vague female shape, burst into tears. The other equally featureless figure came over and hugged her.
Practically ignoring the conversation, the three Agents sat back and relaxed for a little while, comfortably warm in their furs despite the bitterly cold wind blowing down from the north. “Can I ask why we can’t grab ‘em both ‘ere?” Nat asked, poking at the dry ground with her grass stalk and making random patterns. “They’re on their own most o’ the way through this.”
“We can’t grab them until they meet up with the Canons and actually affect them, which doesn’t happen until the last chapter. I know, it’s going to be a nuisance, but at least we can mess with their heads a bit.” This idea made everyone smile, and they leant back, enjoying the autumn sunshine for a little while.
Abruptly, noticing the lack of Sueish voices nearby, Kelvin sat up straight and looked around. “Where did they go?”
“You what? Oh, bugger.” Cassie scrambled to her feet and looked around. “I think we just missed the jump to the next chapter. I guess we’d better portal after them…” She dug her RA out of her bag and tapped in the co-ordinates. “Home in on Sue… it’s easier than trying to figure out where the heck we are,” she explained, opening the portal and gesturing her companions through it.
They arrived in a sizeable patch of woodland growing by a river. “Ah… weren’t we supposed to be following the Sue?” Kelvin asked mildly.
“I think we skipped an entire chapter by accident.” Cassie glared at her portal device, seemingly debating whether or not to whack it against the nearest tree. However, it seemed to be radiating a definite sense of apology under her withering gaze, so in the end she decided to just jam it back into her bag.
“We did manage ta keep up wi’ ‘em, though,” Nat observed, nodding towards Abigail and Lane, who were standing at the edge of the woods. The Agents made sure to keep out of sight, but close enough to hear what was being said. Abigail was busy “talking charge of the situation” by sending Lane to find firewood while she went off to find some food. This made Cassie noticeably irritated.
“I’m beginning to agree with you about grabbing them here, Nat,” the shorter girl grumbled after a moment.
“I’m thrilled ta bits, but why?”
“For one thing, she’s not even explaining how she knows what kind of plants are edible, let alone what they look like. The books didn’t go into that much detail, and even if they had she’d still need a picture. Saying that the plant’s dark green with medium-sized leaves isn’t going to be much help at all. At least he’s got an explanation for knowing how to clean animals. Oh, for heavens’ sake…” She scribbled down a note. “Call… Repetitive Department… of Repetition…”
“What for?” was Kelvin’s query, but he soon fell silent when the passage was pointed out.
"Wait ... do you know how to clean an animal?" I asked, because I didn't have the slightest idea of how to start cleaning an animal.
Nat sighed and leaned against a tree. “For a Suefic, this is kind o’ borin’,” she observed, still fiddling with the stalk of grass she’d taken off Kelvin.
“Well, I just came up with a great idea,” Cassie beamed, watching their Sue and Stu split up and go separate ways.
“What?”
“We stalk them and scare the hell out of them. We’re wearing fur, after all, and they won’t know what kind of animal it’s from…”
Nat grinned rather evilly. “Oh, yes.” Even Kelvin smiled at the idea.
“Nat, you follow him -” Cassie indicated Lane, who was now collecting firewood - “and I’ll take Kelvin and go after Miss Abigail-Sue.”
“Right.” Nat took a couple of steps towards the Stu, then stopped and turned back to her partners. “‘Ang on, why do I ‘ave ta go by myself?”
“He’s not going very far. The Sue is, and out of the three of us, I’m the one who’s most likely to get lost and Kelvin’s the least likely, so we have a fair chance of actually finding our way back.”
“…Fine,” the lanky girl sighed, before tramping off to start scaring Lane. Cassie grinned at Kelvin and tugged him after Abigail with a little giggle.
***
“Shhh, she’ll see us!”
“I thought we wanted her to.”
“Not like that! If she figures out who we are, we’re going to be in trouble.”
“It’ll be fine, Cassie. Look, if I pull my hood up she’ll just see the fur, and if you pull yours up like this -” The second voice seemed to have a teasing note to it.
“Stoppit, get off!” There was the sound of muffled giggling as the two Agents scrambled behind the nearest tree just in time to avoid the Sue’s notice. Cassie batted Kelvin away, both grinning hugely. “You, mister, can leave my hood alone,” the blonde girl laughed, shoving him towards a nearby bush.
He fell into it, then tried to drag her down after him. “I was only trying to help,” he protested, making an innocent face followed by a muffled “Oof,” as she overbalanced on top of him.
“Get off,” she giggled, climbing to her feet. “And keep your voice down.”
“All right, all right.” He stood up and peered around the tree, trying to remain inconspicuous. “She looks rather nervous. If she comes looking, we’re going to be in trouble. I think she heard us, you know.”
“Good. One kid isn't going to be any hassle for us, though. Here, let me.” Cassie stuck her head around the tree, watched Abigail for a few moments, then growled a little, making it sound as menacing as possible. The Sue turned round, looking rather close to terrified from the various noises she’d been hearing, but didn't manage to spot the Agent, who had ducked back behind the tree and was trying to hold back her laughter.
“You’re finding this entirely too funny,” Kelvin commented, though he didn't try to hide the wide smile on his own face.
“Oh, come off it, you’re loving this.” Cassie grinned up at him.
“…Actually, yes, I am.” He chuckled and leaned against the tree. “It’s almost like being a child again.”
“Bah. This is far more fun.”
Fortunately for the pair of them, Abigail didn’t pay any attention to the muttered conversation going on less than twenty feet away, as a pile of wild vegetables spontaneously appeared in front of her at this point.
"Oh, wow," I said. I had just come across a whole bunch of wild carrots and potatoes. I gathered as many as I could hold and headed back to camp.
“Damn, why do they move so fast?” Cassie grumbled as Abigail picked up the recently manifested roots and walked off, a lot faster than she’d been moving up till then.
“We know where she’s going, so stop worrying.” Kelvin took off after the Sue, keeping to the shadows as much as possible.
“Wait a moment, need to get a charge…” Suddenly switching back into Duty-focused mode, the young woman pulled out her notebook and pen and scrawled something as she walked. Continuing to complain under her breath as she focused on the charge list, it was only a sharp tug on her shoulder that stopped her walking into an overhanging branch.
She looked up sheepishly at Kelvin, whose expression was somewhere between amused and mildly annoyed. “Are you trying to cause as many problems as possible, Cassie?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “The only reason I ask is because you’re the one who knows this canon, so if you knock yourself out or get us found, Nat and I are going to be rather stuck for direction.”
“Sorry,” she mumbled, feeling like a bit of an idiot. “This mission’s just… I’m not used to this place after spending about a year in Lord of the Rings. It just feels different, if you know what I mean. It’s the wrong canon. And half the time I don’t know whether to laugh, or rant and throw things.”
“Stick to laughing,” he advised as they began walking again. “Plenty of time to throw things later, and ranting’s just going to attract attention. And yes, I know what you mean. Probably better than you do, actually, seeing as Tolkienverse is my homeworld. I feel more comfortable when we’re in there.”
“True. I’d forgotten about that.”
They both looked round at the sound of a quiet “Oi!” Nat was sitting in the shadows nearby, looking rather pleased with herself. The duo hurried over to join her. “You two been ‘avin’ fun, then?”
“We certainly have,” Cassie beamed. “You look like you have, too.”
The tall girl told them what had happened, though she had trouble fighting down her laughter long enough to do so. “I - ‘e was just pickin’ up a few bits o’ wood, an’ I got be’ind a tree right next to ‘im, an’ I tried ta do somethin’ like a wolf growl…” She giggled. “‘E dropped the wood an’ ran like ‘is life depended on it. I thought ‘e was goin’ ta wet ‘imself!”
The three Agents tried to express their amusement as quietly as possible. “Wh-when was the last time we got this many giggles out of a mission?” Cassie wheezed when she could finally breathe again.
“Don’t remember,” Nat replied, holding her sides and leaning back against a tree. “Maybe we should get back ta concentratin’ on what they’re doin’, though, instead o’ just laughin’.”
“Suppose so.” The notepad appeared again, and the young woman peered at the Words. Within seconds the smile had drained off her face to be replaced with a glare that seemed capable of setting trees alight, and the pen appeared to be in danger of snapping in her white-knuckled grip.
“Cassie?” Kelvin said cautiously. “What just happened?”
“Stupid Glaurunging Sue blathering on about iron pyrite and flint. She just admitted that she doesn't even know what flint looks like!”
“Ah… do you know what it looks like?”
“Can’t say I do, though I could probably make a guess if necessary.” She shrugged. “But then, I don't need to.” Another charge was entered as the Sue and Stu began searching for the stones they needed. Deciding not to bother following them, the Agents took the half-hour set out in the Words to relax again and have something to eat. These being PPCers, the meal consisted of inedible-looking, half-crushed sandwiches with some unidentifiable filling, and chocolate.
Once they’d finished, Nat curled up and hugged her knees to her chest; it was getting rather cold now as the sun set, and she looked longingly at the fire their targets had just started. “Can’t we do somethin’ ta keep warm?”
“If you want to join them, be my guest,” Cassie replied, waving one arm at the pair, “but a fire wouldn't be the best of ideas for us right now.” She made a face at the description of the OCs’ meal - “just some roasted carrots and baked potatoes and a few other things” - and added, “You know, about now they should actually be freezing to death?”
“I feel like I’m freezin’ ta death,” was the only reply she got. This made Cassie stop and think. Under normal circumstances, it should be below zero by this time of day in the Ice Age. However, the Sue and Stu seemed to be quite comfortable in what looked like casual clothing from the twenty-first century, and on pulling back her hood the Agent felt a cold breeze, but it was far less bitter than she had expected it to be.
“Uh, Nat?”
“What?”
“Right now it’s nowhere near as cold as it should be. You shouldn’t be freezing, wearing that.”
“My ‘ands are.”
“Put your gloves on, then.”
“I don’t like wearin’ gloves.” The lanky girl held up the fur mittens that served as gloves for her current disguise. “An’ I’m not stickin’ my ‘ands in these.”
“Then it’s your own fault you’re cold.”
“Can we just move, please?” Nat asked plaintively, tucking her hands under her arms to try to warm them up. “They’re not even doin’ anythin’.” She nodded towards their targets.
Cassie watched her friend for a moment, noting how fed-up she was looking, then glanced at Kelvin, who shrugged as if to say he didn't mind either way. “Tell you what, we’ll portal ahead to the next set of actual charges. We’ll be on the last chapter, so as soon as they’re on their own at the end, we’ll grab them, okay?”
Nat stood up immediately, not bothering to fire off a smart remark as she usually would have. “Let’s go.”
Casting a mildly sympathetic look at her - Nat had occasionally expressed dislike for the cold before, and really did look miserable - Cassie peered at the Words for a moment, then took out her RA and gave it a warning look before opening a portal.
Everyone stepped through quietly. “So, where are we?” Kelvin enquired, watching the nearby encampment for signs of life other than a fire, while Nat cursed under her breath and tugged her hood up further to cover her face.
“This, my friends, is the current campsite for the hunters of the Lion Camp of the Mamutoi,” was Cassie’s grandiose reply, rummaging in her bag as she tramped towards the simple tents set in a circle around the small campfire. She noted the lone person sitting up guarding the meat, but was unable to start investigating, as at this point the Sue and Stu stumbled into the camp holding a torch.
The three Agents ducked behind the nearest tent. “Buggering Sue… I wanted a photo,” Cassie hissed, zipping her bag up without taking out her camera.
“There wouldn't ‘ave been much point anyway,” Nat pointed out in an undertone. “It’s the middle o’ the night.”
“That’s what the flash is for.” Resigned, Cassie sat back for a moment before kneeling up and watching the scene in the camp. “Oh, joy, she’s crying again.”
Indeed, Abigail was crying while her friend held her and explained to the person who had sat up to guard the meat - currently another featureless figure, as the author had no grasp on description whatsoever - who we were and why we were here. He told him of how we have no idea where we are, and that we don't know how to survive, and of the hardships we had that day.
“Gah!”
“Ow!”
“Unh!”
The unexpected shift from past to present tense and back caused all three Agents to flinch violently. There was a sudden silence as the OCs and the as-yet unnamed canon looked around for the source of the noises. When nothing revealed itself, however, they quickly fell back into the plotline of the fic, such as it was.
Apparently Lane was either incredibly slow of speech or went into incredible detail, as it took half an hour to explain a situation that should have taken a few minutes at most. Nat’s mood went steeply downhill at this point, as the ignored canon slowly began to assert itself more strongly against the will of the Suethor and the temperature began to sink. In addition, the Sue cried for the entire half hour, and the sound really grated on everyone’s nerves.
All in all it took about thirty minutes to explain to him but when Lane was done and, I had finally stopped crying, the man looked at us and said, "I am Talut, headman of the Lion Camp of the Mamutoi." He held his hands out towards us. I took his hands.
Now that the unnamed canon was identified as Talut, the headman of this particular camp, he immediately grew to well over six feet tall with a very heavily-built physique, sprouting a mane of red hair and a beard to match. Cassie twitched a little, obviously longing to dig out her camera, but she knew this really wouldn't be the best time. Instead, she turned her attention to the Words.
“Hello, Repetitive Department of Repetition? I would like to report, yes, I take pleasure in reporting one, that is, one, instance of repetition, repeat, one instance of repetition. Thank you and many thanks,” she intoned, staring at the faintly glowing letters in the dark behind the scenery with a faint smile. Her attempt at humour fell flat, however, when Nat shot her a dirty look and Kelvin simply looked bemused. Giving up, the blonde woman sank back and tried to compile a few more charges in the weak light of the nearby fire, occasionally glancing over at it to see what was going on.
The Sue and Stu suddenly changed in appearance, from mostly-developed though still faceless teenagers to children of about twelve or thirteen. Cassie frowned for a moment, but on checking the Words realised that Abigail had stated that she was about the same age as a young woman who’d just emerged from a nearby tent - a girl whom the Agent identified as being Talut’s twelve-year-old daughter Latie.
A young man that was huge like him, though not filled out yet, and a young woman about my age. They both went to another tent and within five minutes the entire camp was around the fire.
Talut told our story and that we were going to stay with them. And then he looked around and asked if anyone had any objections. There were none. "Danug, Latie, we will share different tents for tonight. Abigail and Lane you may have this tent," he said pointing at his tent.
Ok, thank you." I said looking around and feeling a bit odd with everybody staring at Lane and me.
Then the quiet of the night was broken by a female voice saying, quite distinctly, “Sod this. Let’s just get ‘em and get it done.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” another voice asked, this one definitely male, but apparently he was ignored.
Everyone turned to see a very irritated-looking young woman, taller than most, emerge from the darkness into the firelight. Her ash-blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail and, despite the cold, she was not wearing gloves. Close behind her came a shorter woman with paler hair and a man with black hair, both looking slightly surprised.
“Cass?” the first woman asked. “Ya done the charge list?”
“Uh, yes, but -”
“Charge ‘em. I’m bloody frozen an’ I want ta get back to HQ, an’ ta be ‘onest these kids are borin’ me ta death.”
“But… oh, fine.” Producing an item that none of the canons recognised, but which the two OCs would have known as a notebook, the smaller woman took a deep breath and began. “Abigail Lee Allan, known also as Mary Sue, you are charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum with the following offences against the Earth’s Children canon: travelling back in time; being completely unfazed at having travelled back in time; not offering any explanation for doing so; dragging along a friend whom you were obviously planning to turn into your designated Love Interest -”
Lane shot a startled glance at Abigail, who stared off in another direction until a sharp cough drew their attention back to the notepad-bearing woman.
“Ahem. As I was saying, Abigail, you are also charged with not panicking on realising you’re in an Ice Age without any protective clothing; creating a heard - yes, a heard, not a herd - of mammoths, and giving one of them a trumpet; claiming that the Earth’s Children books belong to you; believing you can survive in an Ice Age just because you’ve read the books; being confident that you know what to do and then immediately crying because you don’t, also known as being self-contradictory and stupid; spending one whole chapter rambling about your feelings on looking at a river, which I’m bloody thankful we missed -”
“Can ya save the commentary an’ just charge ‘em, Cass?” the tall, skinny woman demanded, seemingly close to losing her temper and totally ignoring the bewildered Lion Camp.
“Just leave her to it, Nat,” the black-haired man replied, beginning to edge round towards the two original characters. She rolled her eyes, but did the same as “Cass” continued to read from her list.
“Not done yet. Let’s see… thinking yourself safe when you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere; manifesting unnaturally large trees and woodland areas; somehow knowing many edible plants and some medicinal ones, not to mention apparently knowing how to hunt and fish without modern-day implements; knowing how to hunt and fish but not how to clean a catch; wondering about the woods, instead of wandering, which means you shouldn’t technically have got anywhere; manifesting root vegetables; not knowing what flint looks like despite being such an inexplicable expert on everything else; nevertheless being competent enough to light a fire with flint and iron pyrite; manifesting iron pyrite in this area; calling a meal of almost pure carbohydrate ‘not very filling’; altering the meteorological conditions of the Ice Age for your own benefit… that means messing with the weather and making it warmer than it should be,” she added on seeing the confused stare Abigail gave her.
“Now, what else? Okay… suggesting that people of this era would leave their camp and start travelling in the middle of the night for no good reason; making Talut unalert enough not to hear you coming; making the Lion Camp totally incurious about strangers, especially ones who look like you; thinking that the Lion Camp might not accept a couple of lost children when you know perfectly well how friendly they are; speaking Mamutoi without a damn good reason; using modern slang; making the members of the Lion Camp not even try to introduce themselves; starting to fall in love with your friend; making mistakes that even the most rudimentary spellchecker would have picked up; horrible punctuation skills; tense switching, thereby giving PPC Agents a headache; repetition; total lack of descriptive skill; wasting Assassins’ time with a fic that should really have gone to the Department of Technical Errors; boring us close to tears; and finally, being a Mary Sue so annoying you made me want to smack you round the head repeatedly.”
She paused for a moment, then turned her attention to Lane. “As for you, Lane, you’re charged mostly with the same stuff. You’re also charged with being the blatant future Love Interest of Abigail, making unfunny jokes, not noticing a fire quarter of a mile away until the middle of the night when the fire’d have to have been going since before sundown, and being a Marty Stu with the IQ of a concussed goldfish.”
“That’s a little harsh,” the strange man noted mildly, having unobtrusively placed himself right behind the Stu in question. He received a shrug and a grin in return.
“Both of you get points back for being incredibly easy to scare and giving us a lot of entertainment, but I’m afraid you still have to die. Do either of you have any last words?”
“But - you can’t!” Abigail burst into tears again. She seemed to be able to cry on demand. “It’s not our fault we’re here, we just ended up here and we don’t know how to get back!”
“You’re boring me again. Nat, Kelvin, you take them off somewhere while I sort out this lot, okay?”
Before the Lion Camp could react, a bright blue doorway appeared from nowhere. The canons all gasped and backed as far away as possible, which made things easier for Nat and Kelvin as they grabbed the two OCs - Abigail still bawling her head off and Lane looking pretty much stupefied - and dragged them through the doorway. Meanwhile, Cassie took out a pair of sunglasses and the silver pen-like device that was always somewhere in her pack.
“Okay, can everybody gather round here, please? That’s right, you too, please, young man. Thank you. Now, I know you’ll have questions, and this shiny stick here will answer them all if you just look at it closely…” Inwardly, she marvelled at how easy it was to get canonical characters to do something if enough weird things had been happening around them.
FLASH.
“This has all been a very strange dream for you all. None of you have ever heard of anybody called Abigail or Lane, and nobody barged into your camp in the middle of the night. Thank you, and goodbye.” Cassie stepped through the portal after her partners, and it closed behind her.
Almost immediately she yelped and leapt backwards. They were on the edge of a cliff, a strong wind blasting in from behind them. “Thought ya might want ta shove this ‘un over yourself,” Nat grinned, holding the Sue in a painful-looking armlock.
“Thanks!” Cassie replied, raising her voice over the noise of the wind. Ignoring the teenaged Sue’s tears and struggling, the Agent shoved her towards the cliff edge, then let go just in time for the wind to do its work. Abigail-Sue toppled over with a horrified scream that sounded like music to the Agent’s ears.
“NOOO! ABIGAIL!” Everyone winced at the all-caps bellow from Lane as he watched his friend plummet to her death.
None of them seemed affected otherwise than this, particularly as Nat reached out to grab his shirt and push him over the precipice with nothing more than a parting, “Oh, shut up.”
The trio waited for a few moments. Canon suddenly snapped back into place with a very abrupt drop in temperature.
“Flaming Denethor! Get us back to HQ, quick!”
Nat opened the portal and everyone scrambled through into the relative warmth of the Response Centre, shedding their disguises with some relief. Before any of them could so much as drop their bags, however, the console let out a piercing shriek.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOHYOU’REGONNALOVETHISONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Containing his annoyance rather better than his companions, Kelvin slowly walked over to the offending machine and pressed the button to acknowledge receipt of the mission. His eyes widened as he scanned the title and first few paragraphs.
“…Oh. Oh, dear.”
Disclaimers
- The fic the Agents face in this mission is Life With the Mammoth Hunters. It belongs to cuddlebear992, not me. Definitely not me.
- The PPC is not mine; it was created by Jay and Acacia, who kindly allowed other people to write in the world they created.
- Earth’s Children and the characters thereof belong to Jean M. Auel, a favourite writer of mine (and by extent, Agent Cassie, who claims to be an alter-ego of myself).
- The DOGA CAD was invented by huinesoron and has proven itself to be an almost indispensable addition to my Agents’ technology.
- Nat, Cassie and Kelvin do belong to me, although they frequently argue that point.
Author’s notes
- Earth’s Children has been a favourite series of mine for a long time. I am fully aware of the opinions held by many - that the heroine, Ayla, is a blatant Canon Sue, that the hero Jondalar’s private bits are practically a separate character, and that the books have a large amount of graphic porn. Nevertheless, I find the story, and especially the setting, to be a fascinating read, and dislike the idea of teenage non-canon Sues wandering around it.
- This mission is set somewhere at the back end of April 2009, probably around the 20th. (This note is added due to my inexplicable need to keep track of my Agents' timeline.)
- Thanks go to agenttrojie, who was willing to let me rant at her about this particular fic, and also read through the mission to make sure I wasn’t making any horrible canon mistakes.
- And finally, many, many thanks as always to my lovely beta-reader tea_fiend.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
This sound, well-known to anybody who was an employee of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, shook the very rafters of Response Centre #10 (or would have, had it possessed rafters). It jolted everyone in the room fully awake, causing a fair amount of grumbling as the three Agents got up and hurried over to the console to see what they were dealing with this time. Nat hit the button to bring up the fic, and the trio stood reading it for a few moments.
"I’m sorry, but what?" was the first thing that was said. Rather predictably, this query came from Cassie. "Earth’s Children? I didn't know it was a big enough fandom to warrant Suethors."
“Do ya know it, then?” Nat asked.
“I have to say I do,” Cassie gritted out, “and I don’t appreciate Sues marching into that world to screw it up.”
“What’s it about?” Kelvin enquired, heading over to the backpacks. This prompted a sigh as Cassie leaned against the console and began explaining.
“Briefly, it’s a series of novels set in the distant past of World One - about twenty-five thousand years back, if I recall correctly. At that point in time there was an Ice Age, where there were glaciers all over northern Europe. The novels kind of follow a human girl’s travels around the continent, meeting different peoples as she goes.”
“Human? What other kind of people were there back then? I thought you said your world didn’t have Elves or Dwarves or other races like that.”
“Well, it’s kind of difficult to explain… I guess you’ll see if we run across any, okay?”
“What kind o’ disguises are we ‘avin’?” Nat queried, examining the console. “I’m guessin’ we’re goin’ as cavemen or somethin’, right?”
“Not the kind you’re thinking of,” Cassie grinned, knowing that her friend most likely had Neanderthals in mind as opposed to modern-day Homo sapiens. “Here, let me do it.” She examined the console for a while before punching in a few commands. “It’s a fairly obscure fandom, as far as I know, and the choice of disguises is pretty much limited to humans. We’re going to need different weapons, though.”
“What’s wrong with what we have?” Kelvin examined his bow and arrows as though checking for flaws.
“This is set in what we call the Stone Age,” was the patient reply. “The only weapons they had were spears tipped with bone or flint, or stone knives. And somehow I doubt the Armoury’s going to have those in… too much risk of being broken. I think we’re just going to have to go in there unarmed and use some canonically-appropriate way to kill the Sue and her friend - speaking of which, who wants the Stu bit?”
“I’ll take ‘im if ya like,” Nat grinned. “Kelvin got the last one, after all.”
“Yes, go right ahead. And I really wanted to be reminded of that, thank you very much.” Kelvin shuddered a little. Their last kill had been rather noisy, as the Sue had managed to evade all attempts to silence her before death and screamed for help. This had caused the entire Fellowship to turn up in force to save her before the Elf managed to shut her up by running her through.
“Sorry. Well, there are plenty of ways to kill these two without getting our hands messy.”
“Such as?” Kelvin had put down his weapons and was now putting on his backpack, casting a glance over at Nat, who was doing the same thing.
“Death by falling over a cliff is fairly valid. Or we could dump them on a glacier and see how long it takes for them to freeze to death. Or there’s the predators all over the place, volcanoes, marshes, fast-running rivers… take your pick.” Cassie put her own pack on, picked up her notepad and pen, and hit the button to open the portal. She stepped through into the generic pre-story space, promptly followed by the other two, and braced herself for the disclaimer, noting their disguises with interest. Sure enough, it rang out almost immediately.
Disclamer: I do not own the Earth's Children Books ... but everthing else in my story not from the book is mine mine all mine!
As the sound of the ‘disclamer’ faded, Nat, who had just noticed that the fic was in first-person tense, scrambled for her Canon Analysis Device and waited for it to start beeping.
[First-person tense detected. Revert Agents to third-person tense Y/N?]
She punched the ‘Y’ button just in time as a voice echoed around them.
"Wake up. Please wake up." A voice pleaded from far away. At least is sounded far away, like we were at different ends of a long tunnel.
Kelvin, who now appeared to be a black-haired, tanned young man dressed in a fur tunic and leggings, looked around at the featureless surroundings. “You would think that somebody would try to describe the setting once in a while, wouldn't you?”
“Not really,” Nat replied, paying more attention to her new appearance - long ash-blonde hair tied back with a strip of leather, a slightly deeper skin tone and a similar outfit to Kelvin’s. She wrinkled her nose at the smell of the clothes. “Um, Cass, can I ask ya somethin’?”
“Hmm?” Cassie, seemingly unconcerned about the appearance of either the surroundings or her companions and herself, was busily writing charges.
“Why are we wearin’ this stuff? It stinks.”
“We’re going into an Ice Age setting, and I’m guessing it’s autumn or early winter, so it’s going to be bloody freezing. And I don’t mean that in the figurative sense.” Nat shivered as the Words described the cold, followed by a rambling aside on the fact that the Sue could hear a teenage boy’s voice calling her. This went on for a couple of minutes or so before the Sue, now revealed to be a girl named Abigail, opened her eyes.
I was shocked at who it was next to me, Lane. I went to school with him. He was in one of my classes and he was one of my friends. I still wondered why he had been so worried. So I decided I would ask him. But later I though would be better, because I was wondering where I was by now. It was cold; I think I was on the ground and why was Lane, of all people, next to me.
At this point the action began to unfold as two featureless humans popped into existence, one - apparently the Sue, Abigail - lying on the floor, and the other, her friend Lane, kneeling next to her. At the same time, due to the total lack of description, the canon began to assert itself. This led to the scene transforming from grey nothingness into a huge vista of the Ice Age loess steppes; judging from the dried grass as far as the eye could see and various herds of grazing animals moving through it, the time of year was mid-autumn. Somehow, Canon was on their side and the day was beautiful - windy, of course, but sunny, which made the yellow dried grass gleam. All in all, it was a stunning scene.
“Wow…” Cassie breathed, rather elated as she realised where she was standing. “Isn't it awesome?”
“Yeah, it’s awesome, but ya need to ‘ide before we get seen, ya muppet!” Nat and Kelvin had already dropped to the ground, figuring that the tall grass would hide them sufficiently. Cassie quickly joined them, a huge grin on her face.
“What are you so happy about?” Kelvin enquired, smiling back; his partner’s grin was infectious in its enthusiasm.
“I’ve wanted to see this first-hand for ages,” she replied, trying to keep her voice down. However, her face fell when Nat pointed out:
“Yeah, an’ if we ‘ang around ‘ere too long, we’re goin’ ta get ta see what it’s like from the inside of a bleedin’ snowball.”
As the smaller Agent opened her mouth to reply, Kelvin cut in. “Let’s just concentrate on the fic, shall we?” Inwardly he sighed as Cassie nodded and turned her attention to her notebook and the two original characters. Having spent four months as the girls’ partner, he was getting depressingly skilled at heading off their arguments.
A trumpet abruptly blared out, causing everyone to look around in bewilderment. “A’right, even I know that wouldn’t ‘appen.” Nat rose slowly from her sitting position, hoping to get a look at whatever was causing the noise while avoiding attention from the Sue. “Oh, Cass? You ‘ave got ta see this.”
After taking a brief look, gaping, and spitting out a rather unpleasant word, Cassie sat down and began scribbling again, ranting under her breath. “A heard of mammoths? A heard?” Deciding to leave her to it, Nat kept one eye on the blurry, semi-visible mammoths that had randomly appeared and were wandering by, making far more noise than they really should have done, and the other on the Sue and Stu. Kelvin also watched, fascinated. LOTR fics were becoming rather routine, but he’d never seen this kind of place before. Watching the mammoths, he decided that they looked rather like mûmakil, if those creatures were only ten feet tall and were covered with fur.
Having written down the charge with only a trace of illegibility, Cassie edged towards the Sue just in time to hear her start talking.
"I know where we are." I said in a small voice. I was sure I did, but I hoped beyond hope that I was wrong. But how could I be wrong the proof was in front of my face.
He tore his eyes away from the mammoths and looked at me. "Where?" he asked shocked.
"I think we fell into my book. One of my favorite." I said a small voice still.
"Your book?" he asked slightly confused.
“That’s a really good point, pal,” the Agent muttered, noting down ‘claiming that the Earth’s Children series belongs to you’ and listening to Abigail talk in a “sort of monotone” about which book from the series was her favourite. Nat and Kelvin joined her after a few moments, though neither of them had much to contribute to the charge list.
“How many chapters do we have to go through?” the young man asked, examining the Words briefly.
“Bored already?” Cassie teased, rolling her eyes at the Sue and Stu as they watched the random mammoth heard (not herd, which would have made sense, she thought with annoyance) pass by, making a godawful racket. “I think there’s five chapters, but they all seem to blend into each other, so we won’t really notice the changes. We may as well get comfortable for a bit, this scene’s just the pair of them worrying about what they’re going to do.” He nodded, ignoring her jibe and paying close attention to their two targets.
"We need to find shelter before nightfall. And preferably fire wood too, it's going to get really cold tonight. And we will need water so lets just try to find water first." I said to him thinking of all the things we needed to do.
"Ok, then which way do we go?” He looked at me.
“Shouldn’t they be more concerned about how they ended up in this situation to begin with? Or how they’re going to get back?” Kelvin enquired, twirling a stalk of dried grass in his fingers until Nat neatly plucked it out of his hand with a grin.
“Yeah, most normal people would be worrying about that, but this is a Sue, Kel. Going home doesn’t factor into her plans.” Cassie flicked a bit of dirt towards Abigail, who was busy explaining to her friend that if they took the wrong direction they would die. “She’ll still start crying about the possibility of dying, though. Any moment… now.” The Sue, still lacking any distinct features other than a vague female shape, burst into tears. The other equally featureless figure came over and hugged her.
Practically ignoring the conversation, the three Agents sat back and relaxed for a little while, comfortably warm in their furs despite the bitterly cold wind blowing down from the north. “Can I ask why we can’t grab ‘em both ‘ere?” Nat asked, poking at the dry ground with her grass stalk and making random patterns. “They’re on their own most o’ the way through this.”
“We can’t grab them until they meet up with the Canons and actually affect them, which doesn’t happen until the last chapter. I know, it’s going to be a nuisance, but at least we can mess with their heads a bit.” This idea made everyone smile, and they leant back, enjoying the autumn sunshine for a little while.
Abruptly, noticing the lack of Sueish voices nearby, Kelvin sat up straight and looked around. “Where did they go?”
“You what? Oh, bugger.” Cassie scrambled to her feet and looked around. “I think we just missed the jump to the next chapter. I guess we’d better portal after them…” She dug her RA out of her bag and tapped in the co-ordinates. “Home in on Sue… it’s easier than trying to figure out where the heck we are,” she explained, opening the portal and gesturing her companions through it.
They arrived in a sizeable patch of woodland growing by a river. “Ah… weren’t we supposed to be following the Sue?” Kelvin asked mildly.
“I think we skipped an entire chapter by accident.” Cassie glared at her portal device, seemingly debating whether or not to whack it against the nearest tree. However, it seemed to be radiating a definite sense of apology under her withering gaze, so in the end she decided to just jam it back into her bag.
“We did manage ta keep up wi’ ‘em, though,” Nat observed, nodding towards Abigail and Lane, who were standing at the edge of the woods. The Agents made sure to keep out of sight, but close enough to hear what was being said. Abigail was busy “talking charge of the situation” by sending Lane to find firewood while she went off to find some food. This made Cassie noticeably irritated.
“I’m beginning to agree with you about grabbing them here, Nat,” the shorter girl grumbled after a moment.
“I’m thrilled ta bits, but why?”
“For one thing, she’s not even explaining how she knows what kind of plants are edible, let alone what they look like. The books didn’t go into that much detail, and even if they had she’d still need a picture. Saying that the plant’s dark green with medium-sized leaves isn’t going to be much help at all. At least he’s got an explanation for knowing how to clean animals. Oh, for heavens’ sake…” She scribbled down a note. “Call… Repetitive Department… of Repetition…”
“What for?” was Kelvin’s query, but he soon fell silent when the passage was pointed out.
"Wait ... do you know how to clean an animal?" I asked, because I didn't have the slightest idea of how to start cleaning an animal.
Nat sighed and leaned against a tree. “For a Suefic, this is kind o’ borin’,” she observed, still fiddling with the stalk of grass she’d taken off Kelvin.
“Well, I just came up with a great idea,” Cassie beamed, watching their Sue and Stu split up and go separate ways.
“What?”
“We stalk them and scare the hell out of them. We’re wearing fur, after all, and they won’t know what kind of animal it’s from…”
Nat grinned rather evilly. “Oh, yes.” Even Kelvin smiled at the idea.
“Nat, you follow him -” Cassie indicated Lane, who was now collecting firewood - “and I’ll take Kelvin and go after Miss Abigail-Sue.”
“Right.” Nat took a couple of steps towards the Stu, then stopped and turned back to her partners. “‘Ang on, why do I ‘ave ta go by myself?”
“He’s not going very far. The Sue is, and out of the three of us, I’m the one who’s most likely to get lost and Kelvin’s the least likely, so we have a fair chance of actually finding our way back.”
“…Fine,” the lanky girl sighed, before tramping off to start scaring Lane. Cassie grinned at Kelvin and tugged him after Abigail with a little giggle.
***
“Shhh, she’ll see us!”
“I thought we wanted her to.”
“Not like that! If she figures out who we are, we’re going to be in trouble.”
“It’ll be fine, Cassie. Look, if I pull my hood up she’ll just see the fur, and if you pull yours up like this -” The second voice seemed to have a teasing note to it.
“Stoppit, get off!” There was the sound of muffled giggling as the two Agents scrambled behind the nearest tree just in time to avoid the Sue’s notice. Cassie batted Kelvin away, both grinning hugely. “You, mister, can leave my hood alone,” the blonde girl laughed, shoving him towards a nearby bush.
He fell into it, then tried to drag her down after him. “I was only trying to help,” he protested, making an innocent face followed by a muffled “Oof,” as she overbalanced on top of him.
“Get off,” she giggled, climbing to her feet. “And keep your voice down.”
“All right, all right.” He stood up and peered around the tree, trying to remain inconspicuous. “She looks rather nervous. If she comes looking, we’re going to be in trouble. I think she heard us, you know.”
“Good. One kid isn't going to be any hassle for us, though. Here, let me.” Cassie stuck her head around the tree, watched Abigail for a few moments, then growled a little, making it sound as menacing as possible. The Sue turned round, looking rather close to terrified from the various noises she’d been hearing, but didn't manage to spot the Agent, who had ducked back behind the tree and was trying to hold back her laughter.
“You’re finding this entirely too funny,” Kelvin commented, though he didn't try to hide the wide smile on his own face.
“Oh, come off it, you’re loving this.” Cassie grinned up at him.
“…Actually, yes, I am.” He chuckled and leaned against the tree. “It’s almost like being a child again.”
“Bah. This is far more fun.”
Fortunately for the pair of them, Abigail didn’t pay any attention to the muttered conversation going on less than twenty feet away, as a pile of wild vegetables spontaneously appeared in front of her at this point.
"Oh, wow," I said. I had just come across a whole bunch of wild carrots and potatoes. I gathered as many as I could hold and headed back to camp.
“Damn, why do they move so fast?” Cassie grumbled as Abigail picked up the recently manifested roots and walked off, a lot faster than she’d been moving up till then.
“We know where she’s going, so stop worrying.” Kelvin took off after the Sue, keeping to the shadows as much as possible.
“Wait a moment, need to get a charge…” Suddenly switching back into Duty-focused mode, the young woman pulled out her notebook and pen and scrawled something as she walked. Continuing to complain under her breath as she focused on the charge list, it was only a sharp tug on her shoulder that stopped her walking into an overhanging branch.
She looked up sheepishly at Kelvin, whose expression was somewhere between amused and mildly annoyed. “Are you trying to cause as many problems as possible, Cassie?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “The only reason I ask is because you’re the one who knows this canon, so if you knock yourself out or get us found, Nat and I are going to be rather stuck for direction.”
“Sorry,” she mumbled, feeling like a bit of an idiot. “This mission’s just… I’m not used to this place after spending about a year in Lord of the Rings. It just feels different, if you know what I mean. It’s the wrong canon. And half the time I don’t know whether to laugh, or rant and throw things.”
“Stick to laughing,” he advised as they began walking again. “Plenty of time to throw things later, and ranting’s just going to attract attention. And yes, I know what you mean. Probably better than you do, actually, seeing as Tolkienverse is my homeworld. I feel more comfortable when we’re in there.”
“True. I’d forgotten about that.”
They both looked round at the sound of a quiet “Oi!” Nat was sitting in the shadows nearby, looking rather pleased with herself. The duo hurried over to join her. “You two been ‘avin’ fun, then?”
“We certainly have,” Cassie beamed. “You look like you have, too.”
The tall girl told them what had happened, though she had trouble fighting down her laughter long enough to do so. “I - ‘e was just pickin’ up a few bits o’ wood, an’ I got be’ind a tree right next to ‘im, an’ I tried ta do somethin’ like a wolf growl…” She giggled. “‘E dropped the wood an’ ran like ‘is life depended on it. I thought ‘e was goin’ ta wet ‘imself!”
The three Agents tried to express their amusement as quietly as possible. “Wh-when was the last time we got this many giggles out of a mission?” Cassie wheezed when she could finally breathe again.
“Don’t remember,” Nat replied, holding her sides and leaning back against a tree. “Maybe we should get back ta concentratin’ on what they’re doin’, though, instead o’ just laughin’.”
“Suppose so.” The notepad appeared again, and the young woman peered at the Words. Within seconds the smile had drained off her face to be replaced with a glare that seemed capable of setting trees alight, and the pen appeared to be in danger of snapping in her white-knuckled grip.
“Cassie?” Kelvin said cautiously. “What just happened?”
“Stupid Glaurunging Sue blathering on about iron pyrite and flint. She just admitted that she doesn't even know what flint looks like!”
“Ah… do you know what it looks like?”
“Can’t say I do, though I could probably make a guess if necessary.” She shrugged. “But then, I don't need to.” Another charge was entered as the Sue and Stu began searching for the stones they needed. Deciding not to bother following them, the Agents took the half-hour set out in the Words to relax again and have something to eat. These being PPCers, the meal consisted of inedible-looking, half-crushed sandwiches with some unidentifiable filling, and chocolate.
Once they’d finished, Nat curled up and hugged her knees to her chest; it was getting rather cold now as the sun set, and she looked longingly at the fire their targets had just started. “Can’t we do somethin’ ta keep warm?”
“If you want to join them, be my guest,” Cassie replied, waving one arm at the pair, “but a fire wouldn't be the best of ideas for us right now.” She made a face at the description of the OCs’ meal - “just some roasted carrots and baked potatoes and a few other things” - and added, “You know, about now they should actually be freezing to death?”
“I feel like I’m freezin’ ta death,” was the only reply she got. This made Cassie stop and think. Under normal circumstances, it should be below zero by this time of day in the Ice Age. However, the Sue and Stu seemed to be quite comfortable in what looked like casual clothing from the twenty-first century, and on pulling back her hood the Agent felt a cold breeze, but it was far less bitter than she had expected it to be.
“Uh, Nat?”
“What?”
“Right now it’s nowhere near as cold as it should be. You shouldn’t be freezing, wearing that.”
“My ‘ands are.”
“Put your gloves on, then.”
“I don’t like wearin’ gloves.” The lanky girl held up the fur mittens that served as gloves for her current disguise. “An’ I’m not stickin’ my ‘ands in these.”
“Then it’s your own fault you’re cold.”
“Can we just move, please?” Nat asked plaintively, tucking her hands under her arms to try to warm them up. “They’re not even doin’ anythin’.” She nodded towards their targets.
Cassie watched her friend for a moment, noting how fed-up she was looking, then glanced at Kelvin, who shrugged as if to say he didn't mind either way. “Tell you what, we’ll portal ahead to the next set of actual charges. We’ll be on the last chapter, so as soon as they’re on their own at the end, we’ll grab them, okay?”
Nat stood up immediately, not bothering to fire off a smart remark as she usually would have. “Let’s go.”
Casting a mildly sympathetic look at her - Nat had occasionally expressed dislike for the cold before, and really did look miserable - Cassie peered at the Words for a moment, then took out her RA and gave it a warning look before opening a portal.
Everyone stepped through quietly. “So, where are we?” Kelvin enquired, watching the nearby encampment for signs of life other than a fire, while Nat cursed under her breath and tugged her hood up further to cover her face.
“This, my friends, is the current campsite for the hunters of the Lion Camp of the Mamutoi,” was Cassie’s grandiose reply, rummaging in her bag as she tramped towards the simple tents set in a circle around the small campfire. She noted the lone person sitting up guarding the meat, but was unable to start investigating, as at this point the Sue and Stu stumbled into the camp holding a torch.
The three Agents ducked behind the nearest tent. “Buggering Sue… I wanted a photo,” Cassie hissed, zipping her bag up without taking out her camera.
“There wouldn't ‘ave been much point anyway,” Nat pointed out in an undertone. “It’s the middle o’ the night.”
“That’s what the flash is for.” Resigned, Cassie sat back for a moment before kneeling up and watching the scene in the camp. “Oh, joy, she’s crying again.”
Indeed, Abigail was crying while her friend held her and explained to the person who had sat up to guard the meat - currently another featureless figure, as the author had no grasp on description whatsoever - who we were and why we were here. He told him of how we have no idea where we are, and that we don't know how to survive, and of the hardships we had that day.
“Gah!”
“Ow!”
“Unh!”
The unexpected shift from past to present tense and back caused all three Agents to flinch violently. There was a sudden silence as the OCs and the as-yet unnamed canon looked around for the source of the noises. When nothing revealed itself, however, they quickly fell back into the plotline of the fic, such as it was.
Apparently Lane was either incredibly slow of speech or went into incredible detail, as it took half an hour to explain a situation that should have taken a few minutes at most. Nat’s mood went steeply downhill at this point, as the ignored canon slowly began to assert itself more strongly against the will of the Suethor and the temperature began to sink. In addition, the Sue cried for the entire half hour, and the sound really grated on everyone’s nerves.
All in all it took about thirty minutes to explain to him but when Lane was done and, I had finally stopped crying, the man looked at us and said, "I am Talut, headman of the Lion Camp of the Mamutoi." He held his hands out towards us. I took his hands.
Now that the unnamed canon was identified as Talut, the headman of this particular camp, he immediately grew to well over six feet tall with a very heavily-built physique, sprouting a mane of red hair and a beard to match. Cassie twitched a little, obviously longing to dig out her camera, but she knew this really wouldn't be the best time. Instead, she turned her attention to the Words.
“Hello, Repetitive Department of Repetition? I would like to report, yes, I take pleasure in reporting one, that is, one, instance of repetition, repeat, one instance of repetition. Thank you and many thanks,” she intoned, staring at the faintly glowing letters in the dark behind the scenery with a faint smile. Her attempt at humour fell flat, however, when Nat shot her a dirty look and Kelvin simply looked bemused. Giving up, the blonde woman sank back and tried to compile a few more charges in the weak light of the nearby fire, occasionally glancing over at it to see what was going on.
The Sue and Stu suddenly changed in appearance, from mostly-developed though still faceless teenagers to children of about twelve or thirteen. Cassie frowned for a moment, but on checking the Words realised that Abigail had stated that she was about the same age as a young woman who’d just emerged from a nearby tent - a girl whom the Agent identified as being Talut’s twelve-year-old daughter Latie.
A young man that was huge like him, though not filled out yet, and a young woman about my age. They both went to another tent and within five minutes the entire camp was around the fire.
Talut told our story and that we were going to stay with them. And then he looked around and asked if anyone had any objections. There were none. "Danug, Latie, we will share different tents for tonight. Abigail and Lane you may have this tent," he said pointing at his tent.
Ok, thank you." I said looking around and feeling a bit odd with everybody staring at Lane and me.
Then the quiet of the night was broken by a female voice saying, quite distinctly, “Sod this. Let’s just get ‘em and get it done.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” another voice asked, this one definitely male, but apparently he was ignored.
Everyone turned to see a very irritated-looking young woman, taller than most, emerge from the darkness into the firelight. Her ash-blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail and, despite the cold, she was not wearing gloves. Close behind her came a shorter woman with paler hair and a man with black hair, both looking slightly surprised.
“Cass?” the first woman asked. “Ya done the charge list?”
“Uh, yes, but -”
“Charge ‘em. I’m bloody frozen an’ I want ta get back to HQ, an’ ta be ‘onest these kids are borin’ me ta death.”
“But… oh, fine.” Producing an item that none of the canons recognised, but which the two OCs would have known as a notebook, the smaller woman took a deep breath and began. “Abigail Lee Allan, known also as Mary Sue, you are charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum with the following offences against the Earth’s Children canon: travelling back in time; being completely unfazed at having travelled back in time; not offering any explanation for doing so; dragging along a friend whom you were obviously planning to turn into your designated Love Interest -”
Lane shot a startled glance at Abigail, who stared off in another direction until a sharp cough drew their attention back to the notepad-bearing woman.
“Ahem. As I was saying, Abigail, you are also charged with not panicking on realising you’re in an Ice Age without any protective clothing; creating a heard - yes, a heard, not a herd - of mammoths, and giving one of them a trumpet; claiming that the Earth’s Children books belong to you; believing you can survive in an Ice Age just because you’ve read the books; being confident that you know what to do and then immediately crying because you don’t, also known as being self-contradictory and stupid; spending one whole chapter rambling about your feelings on looking at a river, which I’m bloody thankful we missed -”
“Can ya save the commentary an’ just charge ‘em, Cass?” the tall, skinny woman demanded, seemingly close to losing her temper and totally ignoring the bewildered Lion Camp.
“Just leave her to it, Nat,” the black-haired man replied, beginning to edge round towards the two original characters. She rolled her eyes, but did the same as “Cass” continued to read from her list.
“Not done yet. Let’s see… thinking yourself safe when you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere; manifesting unnaturally large trees and woodland areas; somehow knowing many edible plants and some medicinal ones, not to mention apparently knowing how to hunt and fish without modern-day implements; knowing how to hunt and fish but not how to clean a catch; wondering about the woods, instead of wandering, which means you shouldn’t technically have got anywhere; manifesting root vegetables; not knowing what flint looks like despite being such an inexplicable expert on everything else; nevertheless being competent enough to light a fire with flint and iron pyrite; manifesting iron pyrite in this area; calling a meal of almost pure carbohydrate ‘not very filling’; altering the meteorological conditions of the Ice Age for your own benefit… that means messing with the weather and making it warmer than it should be,” she added on seeing the confused stare Abigail gave her.
“Now, what else? Okay… suggesting that people of this era would leave their camp and start travelling in the middle of the night for no good reason; making Talut unalert enough not to hear you coming; making the Lion Camp totally incurious about strangers, especially ones who look like you; thinking that the Lion Camp might not accept a couple of lost children when you know perfectly well how friendly they are; speaking Mamutoi without a damn good reason; using modern slang; making the members of the Lion Camp not even try to introduce themselves; starting to fall in love with your friend; making mistakes that even the most rudimentary spellchecker would have picked up; horrible punctuation skills; tense switching, thereby giving PPC Agents a headache; repetition; total lack of descriptive skill; wasting Assassins’ time with a fic that should really have gone to the Department of Technical Errors; boring us close to tears; and finally, being a Mary Sue so annoying you made me want to smack you round the head repeatedly.”
She paused for a moment, then turned her attention to Lane. “As for you, Lane, you’re charged mostly with the same stuff. You’re also charged with being the blatant future Love Interest of Abigail, making unfunny jokes, not noticing a fire quarter of a mile away until the middle of the night when the fire’d have to have been going since before sundown, and being a Marty Stu with the IQ of a concussed goldfish.”
“That’s a little harsh,” the strange man noted mildly, having unobtrusively placed himself right behind the Stu in question. He received a shrug and a grin in return.
“Both of you get points back for being incredibly easy to scare and giving us a lot of entertainment, but I’m afraid you still have to die. Do either of you have any last words?”
“But - you can’t!” Abigail burst into tears again. She seemed to be able to cry on demand. “It’s not our fault we’re here, we just ended up here and we don’t know how to get back!”
“You’re boring me again. Nat, Kelvin, you take them off somewhere while I sort out this lot, okay?”
Before the Lion Camp could react, a bright blue doorway appeared from nowhere. The canons all gasped and backed as far away as possible, which made things easier for Nat and Kelvin as they grabbed the two OCs - Abigail still bawling her head off and Lane looking pretty much stupefied - and dragged them through the doorway. Meanwhile, Cassie took out a pair of sunglasses and the silver pen-like device that was always somewhere in her pack.
“Okay, can everybody gather round here, please? That’s right, you too, please, young man. Thank you. Now, I know you’ll have questions, and this shiny stick here will answer them all if you just look at it closely…” Inwardly, she marvelled at how easy it was to get canonical characters to do something if enough weird things had been happening around them.
FLASH.
“This has all been a very strange dream for you all. None of you have ever heard of anybody called Abigail or Lane, and nobody barged into your camp in the middle of the night. Thank you, and goodbye.” Cassie stepped through the portal after her partners, and it closed behind her.
Almost immediately she yelped and leapt backwards. They were on the edge of a cliff, a strong wind blasting in from behind them. “Thought ya might want ta shove this ‘un over yourself,” Nat grinned, holding the Sue in a painful-looking armlock.
“Thanks!” Cassie replied, raising her voice over the noise of the wind. Ignoring the teenaged Sue’s tears and struggling, the Agent shoved her towards the cliff edge, then let go just in time for the wind to do its work. Abigail-Sue toppled over with a horrified scream that sounded like music to the Agent’s ears.
“NOOO! ABIGAIL!” Everyone winced at the all-caps bellow from Lane as he watched his friend plummet to her death.
None of them seemed affected otherwise than this, particularly as Nat reached out to grab his shirt and push him over the precipice with nothing more than a parting, “Oh, shut up.”
The trio waited for a few moments. Canon suddenly snapped back into place with a very abrupt drop in temperature.
“Flaming Denethor! Get us back to HQ, quick!”
Nat opened the portal and everyone scrambled through into the relative warmth of the Response Centre, shedding their disguises with some relief. Before any of them could so much as drop their bags, however, the console let out a piercing shriek.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOHYOU’REGONNALOVETHISONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Containing his annoyance rather better than his companions, Kelvin slowly walked over to the offending machine and pressed the button to acknowledge receipt of the mission. His eyes widened as he scanned the title and first few paragraphs.
“…Oh. Oh, dear.”