That Feeling Winding Me Up Inside -- Cash/Alex -- NC-17
Title: That Feeling Winding Me Up Inside
Pairing: Cash/Alex
Rating: NC-17
Notes: For the Texts From Last Night challenge. Also, I am so ashamed for even writing this. I blame battie_hattie
Disclaimer: No they did not.
Summary: Alex is totally not in love with his best friend. And he's not hot for Justin Timberlake. And also? He doesn't like guys at all. Except for how all of those things are total lies.
It's not like Alex means to jerk off listening to Justin Timberlake. He's just listening and it's good and, well, okay, so maybe he waited until his family was out of the house. And maybe he dimmed the lights and got undressed and stretched out on his bed, but it wasn’t like he consciously planned it. He just liked his alone time, and the CD was in his player, and sometimes he liked to lie naked in bed and think about things. The jerking off was an accident or, well, not like he did it against his will or anything, but it honestly hadn't been planned.
He's listening to a song about a romantic afternoon, about just getting in the car and driving, and he thinks about what that will be like, having a license, having a car, the freedom that will bring. And he starts off thinking about what it would be like to have a girl he could just jump in the car with, just drive away with, not even looking back at the Vegas skyline. But Justin's voice is so smooth and Alex's brain stutters, thinks about what it would be like to be the girl or, well, not a girl, not really, but he thinks about Justin Timberlake driving him out of the only city he's ever known and showing him the world.
He's just squeezing his dick, not really jerking off, just saying hello and enjoying the fantasy and the way his body feels and dreaming of life outside of Las Vegas' too-tiny streets. He thinks that he's going to do it, that once he graduates from high school he'll run and never look back, go to California to live with his dad or maybe just get in the car--he'll have his license by then, he'll have a car. Maybe he'll just get in his car and drive away and end up wherever fate takes him.
Only, he can't. He can't really just leave and not look back. He knows his mom would be okay without him, that she's got her own life and they'd always keep talking no matter where he went or what he did. But he can't leave Cash behind.
He sighs and lets go of his dick, opens his eyes and gazes up at the ceiling. Leaving Cash would be hard, impossible, unless. Of course. Of course he and Cash will go together, of course they'll jump in some beat up piece of shit car, and that will be even better because Cash actually has his driver's license already and has the confidence to just pick up and go where Alex might really just puss out.
Him and Cash on the open road, giant cups of soda from the gas station, Red Vines and Doritos, just taking whatever road catches their fancy. Him and Cash on the open road in someplace green and picturesque, someplace not at all like Vegas. They'll be driving down a tiny two lane highway and there will be farms dotting the landscape and cows and maybe, Alex doesn't even know what kind of crops grow near cows. Corn, maybe. There will be fields of corn and cows and white-painted farmhouses and Cash will say, "I wanna fuck you over the hood of the car."
Alex's hips jerk and he grabs his dick. He wasn't planning to think about Cash, never really plans it, but the fantasy's in his head and he's jerking off thinking about being bent over the hood of the car, Cash fucking him hard as he holds on tight, telling Alex how good he feels, how hot he is. He's getting fucked in broad daylight on the side of the road, and there aren't any cars in sight, haven't been for miles, but there might be. If somebody drove by, they'd see it all, see the way Cash is slamming into him, see the way Alex is crying out and begging for Cash to fuck him harder.
He comes so hard he gets jizz in his hair and his entire body is trembling. He runs his hands up and down his sweaty chest, his belly, and thinks that Cash would touch him that way, would kiss him hard after they'd fucked, would growl endearments in his ear meant for no one else.
He curls up on his side and pulls a sheet over himself and tries not to think about it. He just sometimes thinks weird shit when he's jerking off. It's not like it means anything.
"So, I had this weird dream," he says the next day at lunch, then immediately wishes he hadn't. Sure, he and Cash are sitting alone on the far side of the quad, downing their subs, but it's not that Alex is worried about anyone else overhearing. The only person's opinion that's ever really mattered to him is Cash's.
"I think my dream last night was about lizards with giant nuts," says Cash, mouth full of hoagie. "What the fuck is that about?"
"Yeah," says Alex. "That's weird." He finishes his first sandwich and starts on his second and thinks that in a day or two, the weirdness of his fantasy will have faded away, so there's no point in bringing it up.
"Hey," says Cash, bumping Alex's knee with his own. "You stopped right in the middle of telling me your story, dumbass."
"Douche face," Alex says automatically. Then he sighs. "Okay, so I was listening to Justin Timberlake, right?"
"That's not a dream, that's real life," says Cash. "You listen to that bitch all the time, and don't even try to deny it."
"No, no, I mean I was listening to him before I fell asleep." Alex is a bad liar. "And, like, he was in my dream? We were, like. It was just. He showed up and I jumped in his car and he, like, drove me off on a romantic outing."
Cash has stopped chewing and is just looking at Alex with raised eyebrows.
"It wasn't like that," Alex says. "I was the girl, so it wasn't, you know, gay or anything."
Cash takes a moment to swallow. "Are you a tranny?" he asks. "Because if you're a tranny you can just fucking tell me that you're a tranny. It's not like I haven't already considered the possibility."
"Fuck you," Alex snaps. "I'm not a tranny, okay?" He says that kind of loud, then looks around to make sure nobody overheard him. "It was just a weird dream, that's all. I just. I said it was weird to start with, so I don't know what your fucking problem is."
"All right, all right," Cash says. "Don't get your panties in a twist."
Alex punches Cash in the arm. "I'm not wearing panties," he hisses.
"Yeah? Well, you hit like a girl. And you are wearing girl pants, so." Cash shrugs and goes back to his sandwich.
Alex frowns and eats the majority of his second sandwich, then munches his chips for a while. "They fit better, okay?" he demands.
"Huh?" Cash asks.
"Pants from the junior's section. They fit my hips better than guy pants." He frowns. He knows he's just digging himself a deeper hole, and he expects Cash to keep making fun of him.
Instead, Cash just shrugs and says, "Whatever," and steals Alex's soda.
Alex is thankful that Cash has let it go, and he resolves never to talk or think about it again. It was just a weird thing, just a fluke, it's not like he's actually attracted to Cash. It's not like when they're hanging out in Alex's room later that day that he's looking at Cash's arms and wondering what they'd feel like wrapped around him, except how he totally is.
Cash is busy using Alex's computer to pimp out his MySpace and Alex is on his bed, staring up at the ceiling and listening to Maroon 5, another song about the desperate need to escape a city. He puts it on repeat and sighs and thinks about what it will be like when he's in college, when he's away from the desert's oppressive heat and the sleaze and sin the town thrives on.
"Holy fucking shit if I have to listen to this douchebag one more fucking time," Cash snaps once the song is on its seventh repeat. "You don't want Adam fucking Levine to fuck you, too, do you?"
Alex sits up as Cash turns off the CD player. "I was listening to that," he snaps.
"You're lying there like a fucking, I don't even know what. I'd say girl but I don't want you to get pissed. You're being all...maudlin."
Alex must look surprised because Cash says, "I listen when you talk. Sometimes. That's what it means, right? Sitting around and moping like a little bitch?"
"I'm not moping," Alex says. "I'm just thinking. About college."
Cash rolls his eyes. "Right. So here's the thing. You're gay. Whatever. I don't care. I'm not surprised. All right? Just stop fucking moping around being too pussy to man up and tell me you like dick."
"I don't like dick!"
"Of course you like dick. And I've known that you like dick since before we were even friends. What the fuck ever, okay? Seriously. It's not a big deal. I'm just sick of sitting around waiting for you to work up the balls to tell me."
Alex takes a deep breath and he's going to deny it again, but he can't.
"Oh, Jesus, you're not going to cry, are you?"
Alex wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. "No."
"Good. Because you can suck as many dicks as you want, I'm down with that, but we are not having a fucking heart to heart moment right now."
Alex nods. "Okay," he says softly. And it is okay. Or it will be. He's into dudes and it's not like it's a surprise. He's just been working so hard to deny it and now he can't and--
"I told you not to fucking cry," Cash grumbles, but he's already getting up off the desk chair and coming to sit next to Alex on the bed. "I'm going to hug you now, and you're going to stop crying, but we're totally not going to make out."
Alex laughs against Cash's shoulder as they hug. Cash squeezes him hard, and Alex doesn't even think about sex or how hot Cash is, is just thankful that he's got such a good friend. Cash kisses him on the forehead and Alex's heart thumps hard in his chest. He wants so badly for Cash to kiss him, and he tips his head up and only realizes what he's doing at the last minute.
Alex jerks his head to the side and Cash says, "Ow, fuck," as he holds his hand up to his lip.
"Wait," says Alex. "I..." He doesn't know why Cash's mouth would have been so close to his unless Cash had been tipping his head down at the same time Alex was tipping his head up.
"Those braces are deadly fucking weapons," Cash grumbles, pulling his hand away from his lower lip and peering at it. He's bleeding a little bit where Alex's braces had snagged his skin.
"Were you just about to kiss me?" Alex asks, wide eyed.
Cash scoots away from him. "No."
"Because you kissed my forehead and then I tipped my head up but your mouth was right there and I realized that I couldn't kiss you because you're my best friend so I moved away but your mouth, it was right there Cash, like maybe you wanted to kiss me, too."
Cash rolls his eyes. "I already told you we weren't going to make out."
"But--"
"No buts, fucker. You like dick, I don't, therefore we are not making out. End of story. Capice? Now are we going to work on that song you were talking about or what?"
"Yeah," Alex says, twisting and reaching for his guitar. "Yeah. The song. Right." His hands are a little shaky, but playing the melody for Cash to hear gives him something to do and covers up his nerves.
The next morning when his mom's straightening his hair, he thinks about telling her. Not everything, of course, not how he has a thing for Justin Timberlake and probably Cash or how he's 90% sure that Cash almost tried to kiss him. He just maybe wants to know what she thinks about it because he tells her pretty much everything and he hates keeping secrets from her.
"So, um," he says as he tips his head down and she clips the hair at the top of his crown out of the way so she can get to the hair at the base of his skull. "So there's this guy at school, um, named Pete." He cringes a little bit. He's the worst fucking liar. "And he's, like, gay. Like totally gay. Like, out and everything."
"Mmm-hmm," his mother says.
"And he, um, he asked me out?" Seriously. Worst liar ever. He needs to start writing his lies down first so he can make sure they don't suck before he tells them.
She pauses and looks at him in the mirror. Alex feels like he's trapped, like when he's meeting her eyes in the reflection, she can see into his soul or something. Then he sees smoke rising and he says, "Mom!"
"Sorry, sorry!" she cries, pulling the straightening iron away from his hair and letting it clatter onto the bathroom counter. She leans in to inspect the hair she'd been straightening, then picks the iron back up. "It's not burned," she says. She goes back to straightening his hair and neither one of them says anything for a while.
"So, are you going to...?" she asks. "What did you say to him, when he asked you out? Are you going to...go out with him?"
"What?" he asks. "No. No way. He's totally not my type. I mean. You know. Since he's a guy and I'm not. I mean I'm a guy, just that I'm not, you know. I don't feel that way. About guys."
She nods and continues to straighten his hair. She doesn't make eye contact. "Well, I hope you were kind to him when you said no," she says. "It's never easy to put yourself out there and let someone know you're interested romantically."
"I did," he says. He wishes he'd never brought it up in the first place. He can't even write it off as an accident. It was a straight up lie, to his mother. He's so going to hell.
"I'm going to hell," he says at lunch. His mom made him peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwiches and he keeps stealing Cash's pickles to go with it.
"How the fuck can you eat that?" Cash asks, pulling another pickle off his sandwich and tossing it towards Alex.
"The pickles totally cut the sweetness," he says, and they do. How Cash can't love pickles, he'll never understand. "But did you hear me? Hell, Cash. Straight to hell."
Cash shrugs.
"I lied to my mother."
Cash keeps eating his sandwich, like nothing Alex has said even matters. "You're not listening to me!"
"Hell. Liar. Mom. Whatever. I say it's about fucking time you cut the umbilical cord. Having your mom as a best friend is creepy, dude."
Alex sighs. He wants to explain how it's just him and his mom at home, so of course they're good friends, but it’s just Cash and his mom at home, too, and they're not like Alex at his mother are. "I made up a story, like, total fiction," he says, sighing. "I lied to her completely."
Cash nods and looks over at Alex like he's waiting for something.
"What?"
Cash rolls his eyes. "The lie, dickwad. What was it?"
"Oh, that there was a gay guy at school that was out and that he asked me on a date, but that's not the point--"
Cash tips his head back as he laughs.
"It's not funny!"
"You're lying to your mother about getting tail? That's pretty fucking hilarious."
"It wasn't about getting tail. It was just, you know, to test the waters."
"Dude, you guys have Lifetime movie of the week marathons. If she doesn't know you're gay by now, she never will."
Alex frowns but doesn't argue. Cash will never accept Lori Loughlin for the amazing dramatic actress she is. "The point is that I lied to her."
"The point is that you want to know how she's going to react when you tell her you like sucking cock." Cash flicks another pickle at him. "Dude, if I had to tell my mom shit like that, I'd be testing the waters, too."
Alex sighs and nods. He supposes Cash is right, but he still hates the way lying makes him feel. "I don't actually know if I like, um," he says. He doesn't want to say it out loud, especially in school. "I don't know if I like doing that," he says.
Cash looks over at him. "I thought gay dudes were all about sucking cock."
"Well, I've never actually done it, so..." It feels like a huge admission, though Cash knows perfectly well that Alex's never done anything with anybody.
"Do you think about sucking dick when you're jerking it?" Cash asks.
"Fuck you," Alex snaps.
"No, I'm serious. Like, I totally think about girls sucking my dick when I'm jerking it, and it's awesome. So if you think about sucking other dudes' dicks when you're jerking it, you'll probably like it."
"What passes for logic in your world terrifies me."
"I ain't no Vulcan, bitch."
"Ha!" Alex cries, pointing at Cash. "You just made a Star Trek reference!"
"I did not."
Alex crosses his arms over his chest and looks smug.
"Oh, fuck you. Your nerd vibes are rubbing off on me. Whatever. So whose dick do you want to suck, anyway?"
"What?" Alex asks.
"We both know you want to suck dick, just. Whose dick do you want to suck? You've got to have somebody who you look at and think, Dude, I fucking want his dick in my mouth right now."
"You're disgusting," Alex says.
"And you're stalling. Come on. I already told you I was fine with you being a homo, and you know damn well I'd fuck Bethany Price until I blacked out if I got the chance, so?"
"It's not just," Alex says, shaking his head. "It's not about that."
"Bullshit."
"It's not!"
Cash sighs. "Fine. You want a gay husband to get gay married to and have gay dogs and gay babies and live gay happily ever after. But who do you want to fuck?"
"Nobody!" Alex cries. Then when Cash looks at him for a long time he says, "Justin Timberlake?"
"Famous people don't count."
"Why not?" Alex asks.
"Because you can't actually fuck famous people. And don't say that homo from Panic at the Disco, either. I don't care that he, like, sweated on you or whatever. I mean a real person."
Alex sighs and tugs on his hair. "I don't know," he says. "I don't really think about it."
Cash snorts. "You are so fucking pathetic."
Alex is thankful when Cash lets it go, because it's not like he can say, I think about having sex with you, and still keep Cash as his best friend.
Of course, Cash doesn't really let it drop. They're in the Guitar Center because Cash needs new strings, and Cash elbows Alex and jerks his head towards a guy looking through the piano music.
"What?" Alex asks.
Cash elbows him again and raises his eyebrows, as if Alex is supposed to have any idea what he means.
"Seriously," Alex says.
Cash rolls his eyes. "He's cute, right?"
Alex doesn't even know how to respond to that. "I," he says, looking over at the guy. He is cute, and he's got amazing hair and a nice ass, but. "What?"
"Go flirt with him or something. Shit."
"What? No!"
"Pussy."
"I'm not flirting with some random guy in a Guitar Center," Alex hisses.
"Go get his number or I will get it for you."
"No, no, no!" Alex grabs Cash's arm. "Please, no."
"Oh, my God. It's like you actually have a vagina. Are you sure you're not a tranny?"
Alex doesn't talk to Cash for the rest of the day.
While running laps in gym class, Cash says, "So, what about Andy Hillman?"
"What about Andy Hillman?" Alex asks.
"He'd probably let you suck his dick."
Alex doesn't feel bad at all when he trips Cash and just keeps going.
"Why," Alex asks at lunch that day, "are you suddenly so interested in getting me laid?"
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
"I don't need you to get me laid!" he cries, then realizes he was a little loud and lowers his voice. "I don't need you to keep trying to get me laid," he says.
"Don't you want to get laid?"
"Of course I want to get laid."
"Then what's the problem?"
"Just. Let me get laid in my own time, okay?"
Cash rolls his eyes. "Dude. You're like the only virgin left in our entire class."
"That is so not true."
"Fine. You're the only virgin on the basketball team."
Alex frowns. That might actually be true.
"Don't you want some guy you can get freaky with?" Cash asks.
"Well, yeah, of course, but--"
"But nothing. I'm you're friend and I'm just looking out for you."
"Oh," Alex says softly. "But, um, shouldn't it...? I mean, I don't know. I kind of wanted my first time to be special?"
Surprisingly, Cash doesn't crack a joke. He just says, "Nobody's first time is special, even if it's with somebody you think you love. All that emotional bullshit comes later. Right now, you just need to bust your nut."
"You're so disgusting."
Cash grins at him, then shows him the half-chewed French fries in his mouth.
Later that day they're hanging out in Alex's room the same way they are every afternoon. "So that's a definite no on Andy Hillman?" Cash asks.
"Oh, my God. What are you, now, my pimp?"
"No. Just. Seriously. I heard he's totally willing to let dudes suck his dick."
"I don't want to just suck some random's dick, okay?" Alex asks. "It's weird enough doing it for the first time, and doing it with someone I don't even fucking know?" He cringes.
"Okay," says Cash. "Okay. Let's do it."
Alex looks up from his chemistry textbook. "What?"
"Take your clothes off. We're going to do it."
"Do what?"
"Fuck," says Cash. "Look. You like dick and I don't but whatever. You're hot. I've jerked off thinking about you before. We should have sex. It's a win-win. You get dick and I get sex." He stands up and starts unzipping his fly. "So do you just want to, like, suck it or what?"
Alex looks on, horrified, as Cash pushes his jeans and his boxers down around his ankles. "Um," he says.
"Don’t be a little bitch about this," Cash tells him. "I'll totally get you off, too, okay? Just, you know, with my hand, probably. I don't know. Let's just roll with it and see how it goes."
Alex knows he should object, but all that comes out of his mouth is, "I, um, I don't actually know how..."
"Well, I do," Cash tells him. "I get my dick sucked all the time, and it can't be that difficult. Just put it in your mouth."
"Okay," says Alex, and he knows he should tell Cash to put his fucking pants back on and get the hell out, but he slides to his knees and looks at Cash's dick up close for the first time. He takes a deep breath as Cash fists his cock, getting it hard, and then he leans in and closes his eyes and it's okay. It's not, like, the best thing ever, but he's got his lips wrapped around the head of Cash's dick. He slides his tongue over it, getting used to the feel and the taste.
"Yeah, tongue the slit," says Cash, so Alex does. He feels ridiculous. Then Cash grips his hair and slides his cock further into Alex's mouth and, okay. Okay. He can do this. He tries to push down the panic at not being able to breathe, jerks in a breath through his nose and closes his eyes and lets Cash fuck his mouth and, really? It's not as hot as he thought sucking dick would be. He's not even really turned on, and Cash keeps pulling his hair and shoving his dick forward and.
Alex gags and jerks away, coughs and spits and that's actual bile in the back of his throat.
"What?" Cash asks.
Alex's eyes are watering and his gag reflex is still really touchy, so he doesn't say anything for a while.
"What?" Cash demands.
"I just actually threw up in my mouth a little bit." Alex's voice is rough and his throat is raw. "I'm going to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and when I get back, you're not going to be here."
"What?" Cash asks. "Hey, no, you can't just--"
Alex ignores him and heads to the bathroom. He spits into the sink and coughs and avoids looking at his reflection as he brushes his teeth. He's such an idiot. He's such a fucking idiot for thinking for one second that maybe he and Cash could actually have something other than friendship.
When he gets back to his room, Cash is, predictably, still there. He's got his pants on, though, so that's a plus. Alex sighs and doesn't meet Cash's gaze.
"Dude, did you really puke?" Cash asks.
"Little bit," says Alex. He hates the way stomach acid makes his throat feel, hot and stinging.
"Fuck. Okay. So obviously, we moved too fast. Maybe we should start out with handjobs."
"Maybe we should forget this entire stupid idea," Alex snaps.
"No way. No fucking way. It's not a stupid idea, it's an awesome idea. We just. I thought maybe because you liked dick it would come naturally to you, but apparently that's not how it works, so, whatever. We'll work our way up to blowjobs."
"Cash," Alex says, shaking his head.
"Or I could do you, first. Figure out what went wrong the first time."
"You tried to shove your dick down my throat," Alex tells him. "I'm pretty sure that's what went wrong."
"Well, yeah, but I've never actually made anybody puke before."
"You've gotten, like, three blowjobs in your entire life."
"Five!" Cash cries.
"It's not like that makes you an expert. Just. Will you just go and let me finish my homework?"
"No," Cash tells him. He reaches out and tugs Alex towards the bed. Alex stays where he is and refuses to sit down. "Look. Just. This is a great idea, all right? And I want it to work."
"Well, obviously, it doesn't work." Alex feels a little humiliated. He'd kind of let himself imagine that he and Cash were perfect for each other, only now it's obvious that it's not true.
"We maybe started too fast. Handjobs, seriously."
"Oh, my God," says Alex, collapsing in his desk chair. "Just go home."
"Mutual masturbation?" Cash asks.
Alex rolls his eyes.
"Petting?" Cash asks. He's smirking, now, thinks it's funny.
"It's not funny," Alex tells him.
"Necking? A little bit of a cuddle? We can hold hands and take a walk through a field of daisies."
"Seriously. You're not funny."
"I'm fucking hilarious," Cash says, grinning at him. "Dude, was that or was that not the most fucked up sex you've ever had in your life?"
"I've never had sex, which you know perfectly well. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't even count."
"Why wouldn't it count?"
"Because you shoved your dick down my throat, I puked in my mouth, and neither one of us got off. How is that sex?"
"I see your point," Cash says. "I'm still not going home."
Alex sighs. "I'm not having sex with you."
Cash shrugs. "Whatever. Obviously you're unable to deal with my awesome and I'll accept that for the time being. But if I go home, you'll just log on to some website for emo fags and cry while typing out a really long story about how because of one little gagging incident you'll never be a real homo and nobody will ever love your scrawny ass and then you'll put on, like, Matchbox 20 and curl up into a ball on your bed and imagine how terrible your life is going to be now that you're certified unloveable."
"Emo fags?" Alex asks. "Really?"
"It's scary how well I know you, isn't it?"
"Emo fags. Seriously. How are we even friends?"
"Because deep down inside, you recognize the power of my awesomeness."
"Because deep down inside, I'm a fucking idiot. Like, what even made us think that was a good idea?"
"What?" Cash asks. "Me being awesome?"
"No, us, like, doing it." Alex turns towards his computer and signs Cash off MySpace, clicks the bookmark to check his email.
"So we got off to a bad start, so what?"
"You're delusional," Alex tells him. "Obviously, we weren't meant to be."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means that if we were supposed to be having sex we would have had amazing sex. Since we had really shitty not-sex, we're obviously not meant to be."
Cash laughs. "Really?"
"What?" Alex snaps.
"You live in an imaginary Disney movie in your head, don't you?"
Alex frowns. "No."
"No, really. You can tell me. Are you waiting for a knight in shining armor to rescue you?"
"You're an asshole," he snarls, clicking his mouse a lot harder than he has to. "Can you please just go the fuck home? Now?"
Cash looks at him for a long moment, and Alex has already resigned himself to another ten minutes of mocking, when Cash gets up and says. "Yeah. Okay. Whatever. I'll see you tomorrow."
Alex isn't sure how to tell Cash that he actually doesn't want to be alone right then, so he says nothing and just stares at his email inbox, instead. Once Cash is gone he tells himself that it's for the best, that, really, that was the stupidest thing anybody could ever do in the entire world.
He'd still rather have Cash there to laugh at him and tell him how stupid it was.
He has trouble getting to sleep that night, keeps thinking about it, the way Cash's dick had felt in his hand and his mouth, the bitter-salt-skin taste of it, the way he'd been able to feel Cash's pulse on his tongue. He gets so turned on remembering it, which makes no sense because at the time he'd been embarrassed and not turned on at all. But he thinks about it while he jerks off and comes hard, imagining the scent of his own release is actually Cash.
He feels guilty the next morning, can't meet his mother's eyes over breakfast. He dreads seeing Cash at school. He knows Cash is going to make fun of him all day, all week, probably for the rest of the month.
But when he sits down next to Cash in English, Cash doesn't say anything to him. He's slouched down in his chair, absorbed in his book, which is strange. Cash is only taking AP English because Alex badgered him into it, and he actually hates most of the books they have to read. Alex knows he's not really as into The Great Gatsby as he's pretending to be.
"So, hey," Alex says softly. He's not sure what he's going to say, but he figures he should say something. "Um, about yesterday--"
"Can't you see I'm reading here?" Cash demands.
"Since when do you read?" Alex asks.
Cash sighs and slams his book down, then grabs his backpack and moves a few rows away. They don't have assigned seats, but he and Alex always sit next to each other. Alex frowns and looks down at his hands.
"Lovers' spat?" Mark Kendall asks from behind him. Mark's favorite pastime is calling everyone he knows a homo.
"Blow me," Alex snaps.
"Not really my thing," he says. "That's your department, isn't it?"
"So what if it was?" Alex asks.
Mark doesn't have a comeback to that. Alex is probably the only person who hasn't vehemently denied any of Mark's accusations.
Alex turns around in his seat and glares at Mark. "No, seriously," he says. "You spend all your fucking time calling people faggots, so what if I was? What would you do about it?"
"Dude," says Mark, holding his hands up in a gesture of peace. "Are you on the rag or what?"
"You're just such a douchebag all the time," Alex snaps. "Maybe I'm just sick of it."
Mark looks bewildered as the bell rings and Alex turns back around. He finds it impossible to pay attention to anything Mrs. Jorgensen says, he's so busy fuming: fuming at himself for being enough of an idiot to go along with Cash's stupid idea; fuming at Cash for being a dick about it; fuming at Mark for making jokes that had honestly never bothered Alex before; fuming at himself again for wanting Cash as much as he does even after it became crystal clear that they could never be anything but friends.
He's cranky all through Spanish, through pre-calc, through chemistry. He waits at his locker before lunch and kicks himself for being surprised that Cash doesn't show up. He actually eats in the cafeteria, sitting with Mindy Bresson from his Spanish class and pretending to be interested in the conversation she and her friends are having about movies.
In gym, he runs laps with the rest of the guys from the basketball team and they all bitch about how they shouldn't even have to take gym, they're athletes and should be exempt even though the season's over.
When Alex sees Cash's car pulling out of the parking lot without him, he sighs and digs out his phone. thanks for the ride asshole, he texts as he walks towards the bus stop.
"You're home late," his mother says as he gets home nearly an hour later.
"Took the bus," he says.
"Oh, I thought Cash was driving you."
Alex shrugs. He got most of his Spanish homework done on the bus but he needs to finish The Great Gatsby and a worksheet on osmosis for chemistry, so he heads up to his room without stopping to talk to her. It's not like he could talk to her about it, anyway.
After his homework's done, he lies on his bed and stares up at the ceiling. He thinks about putting on some music, but he everything he wants to listen to is something Cash would make fun of him for. He just lies there in silence and tries not to think about anything.
"Alex?" his mother asks, knocking on his door.
"Come in," he says. He never locks his door, but his mother's really good about knocking. It had only taken one horrifying incident where she walked in on him jerking off when he was thirteen for her to knock and wait for his answer every time.
She opens his door and leans against the doorframe. "You want to talk about it?" she asks.
"Nothing to talk about."
She frowns and he can tell that she knows he's lying.
"I had a fight with Cash. It's not a big deal." He doesn't know if either one of those things is true: if it counts as a fight or if it's a big deal or not.
She looks at him for a long moment and he expects her to push it, but instead she just says, "Dinner will be ready soon, you should go wash up."
He just picks at his dinner, barely eats two helpings, and he can't stop thinking about how much his life sucks. He'd been sure that he and Cash would have been amazing together but they're not. They're terrible together and to add insult to injury, Cash is totally ignoring him now that he knows for sure that Alex is a huge gaymo with no sexual prowess.
After dinner, Alex looks at his phone for a long time. He hates not talking to Cash, and he spends hours trying to compose the perfect text to make Cash talk to him again. What he finally texts is, i have your great Gatsby paper almost done.
There's no answer for a while. Then his phone beeps and it's Cash. nvrmnd il do it myslf.
Cash has never written an English paper in the entire time Alex has known him. you'll totally fail
fuck u
I'm sorry, Alex types and he hits send without even know what he's supposed to be sorry for. He just knows that Cash is pissed at him, and really? It's not like Cash has any reason to be angry. Alex is the one who should be angry.
u don’t even no what ur sorry 4, Cash texts back.
I'm sorry youre such a douchebag. I'm sorry that you're all fucking butthurt that you didn't get your amazing blowjob. I'm sorry that I had to ride the bus home today next to a lady who smelled like the worst bo in the history of ever.
Alex hits send, then starts typing again. I'm sorry that calling me a homo isn't fun for you anymore. I'm sorry that I listened to your stupid fucking idea in the first place. I'm sorry that I fucking CHOKED on ur DICK and PUKED in my MOUTH
Alex's phone rings and it's Cash. Alex hits "ignore" and keeps texting him. you don't have any right to be an asshole the way you were today, ignoring me just because what? Your pissed that youdidn't get your rocks off?
Cash calls again. He's a persistent fucker but Alex doesn't feel like hearing his voice.
youre such a fucking asshoe to me all the time and I let you be because wer friends but your kind of a shit friend right now because really? Your idea to help me is to stick your dick in my mouth? That's your version of altruism? You kind of suck
u kind of suck, and then you choke on it, Cash texts back.
Alex doesn't mean to, but he laughs.
now that ur laffing u going 2 talk 2 me or wht?
Alex pauses and frowns.
"I'm out here, douchebag," Cash says from the other side of Alex's bedroom window.
Alex jumps at his voice, then hurries to the window and pulls up his blinds. "Stalker much?" he asks as he slides his window open.
"Yeah, well, unless your mom has suddenly started letting you have friends over after nine, I figured this was the only way you'd actually talk to me." Cash climbs into Alex's room. "You're a douchebag, by the way."
"Me?" Alex demands. "I'm not the one who totally took advantage of his best friend during his big gay crisis and shoved his dick down his best friends throat and proved that his best friend's big gay love for him is really just his best friend being an idiot because the sex was, like, the worst sex ever in the world and then I'm not the one who didn't talk to his best friend the whole next day because of the big gay love and the bad sex and the vomit."
"Wait," says Cash. "What?"
"Go home," Alex tells him, crossing his arms over his chest. "This is just, like, can we just erase the past month of our lives and pretend it never happened?"
"Dude," says Cash. "You're in love with me? That's pretty fucking gay."
"I'm pretty fucking gay!" Alex shouts at him, then looks towards his door. He really, really hopes his mother didn't hear that.
"Yeah, I figured that out. Just. So. Okay. So we try again."
Alex sighs in relief. "Thank you."
"Do you want to get naked right now?"
Alex looks at him with wide eyes. "What part of let's forget this ever happened are you not getting?"
Cash huffs and shakes his head. "So here's the thing. You make my dick hard. And not just, like, when it's in your mouth. So I think we should, you know. Get hard together. Only maybe we need to scale things back a little bit. Like, um, rubbing or thrusting or something that won't involve your gag reflex."
"Cash," Alex says wearily.
"I'm serious."
"You were serious last time and then you didn't talk to me for an entire day. I had to ride the bus, Cash. People smell bad on the bus, and you know how sensitive I am to bad smells."
Cash sighs and flops onto Alex's bed. "Yeah, well. You, like, hated my dick. It was embarrassing."
"I didn't hate your dick."
"You puked on it."
"You gagged me with it."
"I couldn't help it. It felt really fucking good, okay?"
Alex shifts back and forth on his feet. "Really?"
"Yes. Jesus." Cash covers his face with his hands. "Looking down at you sucking me off was, like, the hottest thing that I've ever seen in my entire life. And I know that's fucked up, but it's true, so." He lets his hands fall away and looks at Alex. "If you've got a big homo crush on me and I get hard thinking about you, then we'd be retards not to try and work something out."
Alex sits down on the edge of his bed. "But it's not meant to be. It's obviously not meant to be."
"What does that even mean?"
"I mean that if it was meant to be, it would have been perfect. When you're with the person you're supposed to be with, it just all comes together the way it's supposed to."
Cash rolls his eyes. "I'm making your mom cancel the Disney Channel. And Lifetime. Seriously. That's, like, the most fucked up version of the way sex is supposed to be ever."
Alex looks down at his hands and sighs.
"Sex is just weird, okay? Like, you're naked and you're turned on and you make weird sounds and it's totally fucked up and embarrassing. But then you're with somebody else who's cool enough to not care that it's embarrassing and they're naked and turned on and making weird noises, too, and you both get orgasms, so it works out."
If there's anybody in the entire world Alex trusts enough to be naked and weird with, it's Cash. "I kind of hate it when you make sense," he says.
"Get down here," Cash says, tugging on Alex's arm. He tugs until Alex has no choice but to stretch out next to him. He stretches out next to Cash and looks up at the ceiling, then closes his eyes when Cash leans over him. "I'm going to kiss you right now," Cash tells him. "Don't fucking cut my lip with your braces like you did last time."
Alex laughs at that. "So you were trying to kiss me before?"
"Stop talking," Cash says, and then he kisses Alex, so Alex couldn't say anything even if he wanted to. He doesn't really want to. Cash's mouth feels really good against his and he reaches up with one hand and strokes Cash's shoulder.
"This is weird," Alex says when Cash pulls away. He opens his eyes and he can't quite focus on Cash's face, it's so close.
"It's awesome," Cash tells him. "So shut up. Seriously."
Alex grins into the next kiss. It is weird, but it's also really nice, especially when he feels Cash's tongue against his bottom lip. He opens his mouth just a little bit, lets Cash slide his tongue inside, and it's weird, it's so freaking weird, but it's also really hot.
"We can just make out tonight, right?" Alex asks.
Cash pulls back. "I have no idea what you just said considering the fact that my tongue was in your mouth as you said it."
Alex laughs again. His chest feels light and it feels so good to touch Cash's shoulders and back with his hands, feel his muscles and his warm skin. "We can just make out tonight, right?" he asks. "Because maybe the sex stuff? Maybe that should wait until we're sure."
Cash groans and drops his head down against Alex's shoulder. "Oh, my God," he says. "It's like you really, really are a girl. You're sure you're not a tranny?"
Alex brings his knee up, just teasing, hits it against Cash's thigh, but it's enough to scare Cash into moving so that they're pressed together from shoulder to thigh. Alex can feel Cash's hard on against his hip, and it makes him shudder.
"Or hands," says Alex, thinking about what it would feel like to have someone else's hand on his dick, what it would feel like to be touching Cash at the same time. "We can jerk each other off, maybe?"
"Maybe," says Cash, and he props himself up on his elbows and they start kissing again, kissing until Alex's jaw hurts and his lips feel sore and swollen and his dick is so hard it hurts, the way it's trapped in his jeans.
"I have to," Alex whispers, pulling away. "I'm really..." He's breathless. He had no idea that making out could ever make him feel so breathless and shaky.
"Hey, don't," Cash says, twisting his head so he can keep kissing Alex. "Come back here."
"I just. Pants." Alex gasps with relief as he unbuttons his fly. "Pants off," he says.
"Sweet." Cash tugs his t-shirt off, then pushes his pants down and they're kissing again, only they're naked. Mostly naked. Alex is still wearing his shirt and his jeans are only shoved halfway down his thighs, but he doesn't even care. That's Cash's dick right there, right there pressed against Alex's dick and he can't even imagine anything more awesome. Their dicks are touching and Cash is kissing him hard and he's naked and Alex slides his hands down to grip Cash's ass and, yes. It's amazing and Alex can't stop himself from coming hard, from shuddering and maybe crying out in a way that would be embarrassing if Cash wasn't grunting and rutting against him and coming, too, all over Alex's stomach.
"Do you think we'll stick together if we stay like this?" Alex asks after a few minutes. He can feel their come on his belly and he thinks that maybe it will totally glue him and Cash together.
"Fuck me," Cash says, rolling off him. He curls slings his arm across Alex's hips and snuggles close to him, which totally makes up for him saying, "You're still the only gaymo in this bed, okay?"
Alex grins and nods as Cash kisses sleepily at his neck. "You keep telling yourself that," he says, and turns in the circle of Cash's arms so they can hold each other as they fall asleep.
Pairing: Cash/Alex
Rating: NC-17
Notes: For the Texts From Last Night challenge. Also, I am so ashamed for even writing this. I blame battie_hattie
Disclaimer: No they did not.
Summary: Alex is totally not in love with his best friend. And he's not hot for Justin Timberlake. And also? He doesn't like guys at all. Except for how all of those things are total lies.
It's not like Alex means to jerk off listening to Justin Timberlake. He's just listening and it's good and, well, okay, so maybe he waited until his family was out of the house. And maybe he dimmed the lights and got undressed and stretched out on his bed, but it wasn’t like he consciously planned it. He just liked his alone time, and the CD was in his player, and sometimes he liked to lie naked in bed and think about things. The jerking off was an accident or, well, not like he did it against his will or anything, but it honestly hadn't been planned.
He's listening to a song about a romantic afternoon, about just getting in the car and driving, and he thinks about what that will be like, having a license, having a car, the freedom that will bring. And he starts off thinking about what it would be like to have a girl he could just jump in the car with, just drive away with, not even looking back at the Vegas skyline. But Justin's voice is so smooth and Alex's brain stutters, thinks about what it would be like to be the girl or, well, not a girl, not really, but he thinks about Justin Timberlake driving him out of the only city he's ever known and showing him the world.
He's just squeezing his dick, not really jerking off, just saying hello and enjoying the fantasy and the way his body feels and dreaming of life outside of Las Vegas' too-tiny streets. He thinks that he's going to do it, that once he graduates from high school he'll run and never look back, go to California to live with his dad or maybe just get in the car--he'll have his license by then, he'll have a car. Maybe he'll just get in his car and drive away and end up wherever fate takes him.
Only, he can't. He can't really just leave and not look back. He knows his mom would be okay without him, that she's got her own life and they'd always keep talking no matter where he went or what he did. But he can't leave Cash behind.
He sighs and lets go of his dick, opens his eyes and gazes up at the ceiling. Leaving Cash would be hard, impossible, unless. Of course. Of course he and Cash will go together, of course they'll jump in some beat up piece of shit car, and that will be even better because Cash actually has his driver's license already and has the confidence to just pick up and go where Alex might really just puss out.
Him and Cash on the open road, giant cups of soda from the gas station, Red Vines and Doritos, just taking whatever road catches their fancy. Him and Cash on the open road in someplace green and picturesque, someplace not at all like Vegas. They'll be driving down a tiny two lane highway and there will be farms dotting the landscape and cows and maybe, Alex doesn't even know what kind of crops grow near cows. Corn, maybe. There will be fields of corn and cows and white-painted farmhouses and Cash will say, "I wanna fuck you over the hood of the car."
Alex's hips jerk and he grabs his dick. He wasn't planning to think about Cash, never really plans it, but the fantasy's in his head and he's jerking off thinking about being bent over the hood of the car, Cash fucking him hard as he holds on tight, telling Alex how good he feels, how hot he is. He's getting fucked in broad daylight on the side of the road, and there aren't any cars in sight, haven't been for miles, but there might be. If somebody drove by, they'd see it all, see the way Cash is slamming into him, see the way Alex is crying out and begging for Cash to fuck him harder.
He comes so hard he gets jizz in his hair and his entire body is trembling. He runs his hands up and down his sweaty chest, his belly, and thinks that Cash would touch him that way, would kiss him hard after they'd fucked, would growl endearments in his ear meant for no one else.
He curls up on his side and pulls a sheet over himself and tries not to think about it. He just sometimes thinks weird shit when he's jerking off. It's not like it means anything.
"So, I had this weird dream," he says the next day at lunch, then immediately wishes he hadn't. Sure, he and Cash are sitting alone on the far side of the quad, downing their subs, but it's not that Alex is worried about anyone else overhearing. The only person's opinion that's ever really mattered to him is Cash's.
"I think my dream last night was about lizards with giant nuts," says Cash, mouth full of hoagie. "What the fuck is that about?"
"Yeah," says Alex. "That's weird." He finishes his first sandwich and starts on his second and thinks that in a day or two, the weirdness of his fantasy will have faded away, so there's no point in bringing it up.
"Hey," says Cash, bumping Alex's knee with his own. "You stopped right in the middle of telling me your story, dumbass."
"Douche face," Alex says automatically. Then he sighs. "Okay, so I was listening to Justin Timberlake, right?"
"That's not a dream, that's real life," says Cash. "You listen to that bitch all the time, and don't even try to deny it."
"No, no, I mean I was listening to him before I fell asleep." Alex is a bad liar. "And, like, he was in my dream? We were, like. It was just. He showed up and I jumped in his car and he, like, drove me off on a romantic outing."
Cash has stopped chewing and is just looking at Alex with raised eyebrows.
"It wasn't like that," Alex says. "I was the girl, so it wasn't, you know, gay or anything."
Cash takes a moment to swallow. "Are you a tranny?" he asks. "Because if you're a tranny you can just fucking tell me that you're a tranny. It's not like I haven't already considered the possibility."
"Fuck you," Alex snaps. "I'm not a tranny, okay?" He says that kind of loud, then looks around to make sure nobody overheard him. "It was just a weird dream, that's all. I just. I said it was weird to start with, so I don't know what your fucking problem is."
"All right, all right," Cash says. "Don't get your panties in a twist."
Alex punches Cash in the arm. "I'm not wearing panties," he hisses.
"Yeah? Well, you hit like a girl. And you are wearing girl pants, so." Cash shrugs and goes back to his sandwich.
Alex frowns and eats the majority of his second sandwich, then munches his chips for a while. "They fit better, okay?" he demands.
"Huh?" Cash asks.
"Pants from the junior's section. They fit my hips better than guy pants." He frowns. He knows he's just digging himself a deeper hole, and he expects Cash to keep making fun of him.
Instead, Cash just shrugs and says, "Whatever," and steals Alex's soda.
Alex is thankful that Cash has let it go, and he resolves never to talk or think about it again. It was just a weird thing, just a fluke, it's not like he's actually attracted to Cash. It's not like when they're hanging out in Alex's room later that day that he's looking at Cash's arms and wondering what they'd feel like wrapped around him, except how he totally is.
Cash is busy using Alex's computer to pimp out his MySpace and Alex is on his bed, staring up at the ceiling and listening to Maroon 5, another song about the desperate need to escape a city. He puts it on repeat and sighs and thinks about what it will be like when he's in college, when he's away from the desert's oppressive heat and the sleaze and sin the town thrives on.
"Holy fucking shit if I have to listen to this douchebag one more fucking time," Cash snaps once the song is on its seventh repeat. "You don't want Adam fucking Levine to fuck you, too, do you?"
Alex sits up as Cash turns off the CD player. "I was listening to that," he snaps.
"You're lying there like a fucking, I don't even know what. I'd say girl but I don't want you to get pissed. You're being all...maudlin."
Alex must look surprised because Cash says, "I listen when you talk. Sometimes. That's what it means, right? Sitting around and moping like a little bitch?"
"I'm not moping," Alex says. "I'm just thinking. About college."
Cash rolls his eyes. "Right. So here's the thing. You're gay. Whatever. I don't care. I'm not surprised. All right? Just stop fucking moping around being too pussy to man up and tell me you like dick."
"I don't like dick!"
"Of course you like dick. And I've known that you like dick since before we were even friends. What the fuck ever, okay? Seriously. It's not a big deal. I'm just sick of sitting around waiting for you to work up the balls to tell me."
Alex takes a deep breath and he's going to deny it again, but he can't.
"Oh, Jesus, you're not going to cry, are you?"
Alex wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. "No."
"Good. Because you can suck as many dicks as you want, I'm down with that, but we are not having a fucking heart to heart moment right now."
Alex nods. "Okay," he says softly. And it is okay. Or it will be. He's into dudes and it's not like it's a surprise. He's just been working so hard to deny it and now he can't and--
"I told you not to fucking cry," Cash grumbles, but he's already getting up off the desk chair and coming to sit next to Alex on the bed. "I'm going to hug you now, and you're going to stop crying, but we're totally not going to make out."
Alex laughs against Cash's shoulder as they hug. Cash squeezes him hard, and Alex doesn't even think about sex or how hot Cash is, is just thankful that he's got such a good friend. Cash kisses him on the forehead and Alex's heart thumps hard in his chest. He wants so badly for Cash to kiss him, and he tips his head up and only realizes what he's doing at the last minute.
Alex jerks his head to the side and Cash says, "Ow, fuck," as he holds his hand up to his lip.
"Wait," says Alex. "I..." He doesn't know why Cash's mouth would have been so close to his unless Cash had been tipping his head down at the same time Alex was tipping his head up.
"Those braces are deadly fucking weapons," Cash grumbles, pulling his hand away from his lower lip and peering at it. He's bleeding a little bit where Alex's braces had snagged his skin.
"Were you just about to kiss me?" Alex asks, wide eyed.
Cash scoots away from him. "No."
"Because you kissed my forehead and then I tipped my head up but your mouth was right there and I realized that I couldn't kiss you because you're my best friend so I moved away but your mouth, it was right there Cash, like maybe you wanted to kiss me, too."
Cash rolls his eyes. "I already told you we weren't going to make out."
"But--"
"No buts, fucker. You like dick, I don't, therefore we are not making out. End of story. Capice? Now are we going to work on that song you were talking about or what?"
"Yeah," Alex says, twisting and reaching for his guitar. "Yeah. The song. Right." His hands are a little shaky, but playing the melody for Cash to hear gives him something to do and covers up his nerves.
The next morning when his mom's straightening his hair, he thinks about telling her. Not everything, of course, not how he has a thing for Justin Timberlake and probably Cash or how he's 90% sure that Cash almost tried to kiss him. He just maybe wants to know what she thinks about it because he tells her pretty much everything and he hates keeping secrets from her.
"So, um," he says as he tips his head down and she clips the hair at the top of his crown out of the way so she can get to the hair at the base of his skull. "So there's this guy at school, um, named Pete." He cringes a little bit. He's the worst fucking liar. "And he's, like, gay. Like totally gay. Like, out and everything."
"Mmm-hmm," his mother says.
"And he, um, he asked me out?" Seriously. Worst liar ever. He needs to start writing his lies down first so he can make sure they don't suck before he tells them.
She pauses and looks at him in the mirror. Alex feels like he's trapped, like when he's meeting her eyes in the reflection, she can see into his soul or something. Then he sees smoke rising and he says, "Mom!"
"Sorry, sorry!" she cries, pulling the straightening iron away from his hair and letting it clatter onto the bathroom counter. She leans in to inspect the hair she'd been straightening, then picks the iron back up. "It's not burned," she says. She goes back to straightening his hair and neither one of them says anything for a while.
"So, are you going to...?" she asks. "What did you say to him, when he asked you out? Are you going to...go out with him?"
"What?" he asks. "No. No way. He's totally not my type. I mean. You know. Since he's a guy and I'm not. I mean I'm a guy, just that I'm not, you know. I don't feel that way. About guys."
She nods and continues to straighten his hair. She doesn't make eye contact. "Well, I hope you were kind to him when you said no," she says. "It's never easy to put yourself out there and let someone know you're interested romantically."
"I did," he says. He wishes he'd never brought it up in the first place. He can't even write it off as an accident. It was a straight up lie, to his mother. He's so going to hell.
"I'm going to hell," he says at lunch. His mom made him peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwiches and he keeps stealing Cash's pickles to go with it.
"How the fuck can you eat that?" Cash asks, pulling another pickle off his sandwich and tossing it towards Alex.
"The pickles totally cut the sweetness," he says, and they do. How Cash can't love pickles, he'll never understand. "But did you hear me? Hell, Cash. Straight to hell."
Cash shrugs.
"I lied to my mother."
Cash keeps eating his sandwich, like nothing Alex has said even matters. "You're not listening to me!"
"Hell. Liar. Mom. Whatever. I say it's about fucking time you cut the umbilical cord. Having your mom as a best friend is creepy, dude."
Alex sighs. He wants to explain how it's just him and his mom at home, so of course they're good friends, but it’s just Cash and his mom at home, too, and they're not like Alex at his mother are. "I made up a story, like, total fiction," he says, sighing. "I lied to her completely."
Cash nods and looks over at Alex like he's waiting for something.
"What?"
Cash rolls his eyes. "The lie, dickwad. What was it?"
"Oh, that there was a gay guy at school that was out and that he asked me on a date, but that's not the point--"
Cash tips his head back as he laughs.
"It's not funny!"
"You're lying to your mother about getting tail? That's pretty fucking hilarious."
"It wasn't about getting tail. It was just, you know, to test the waters."
"Dude, you guys have Lifetime movie of the week marathons. If she doesn't know you're gay by now, she never will."
Alex frowns but doesn't argue. Cash will never accept Lori Loughlin for the amazing dramatic actress she is. "The point is that I lied to her."
"The point is that you want to know how she's going to react when you tell her you like sucking cock." Cash flicks another pickle at him. "Dude, if I had to tell my mom shit like that, I'd be testing the waters, too."
Alex sighs and nods. He supposes Cash is right, but he still hates the way lying makes him feel. "I don't actually know if I like, um," he says. He doesn't want to say it out loud, especially in school. "I don't know if I like doing that," he says.
Cash looks over at him. "I thought gay dudes were all about sucking cock."
"Well, I've never actually done it, so..." It feels like a huge admission, though Cash knows perfectly well that Alex's never done anything with anybody.
"Do you think about sucking dick when you're jerking it?" Cash asks.
"Fuck you," Alex snaps.
"No, I'm serious. Like, I totally think about girls sucking my dick when I'm jerking it, and it's awesome. So if you think about sucking other dudes' dicks when you're jerking it, you'll probably like it."
"What passes for logic in your world terrifies me."
"I ain't no Vulcan, bitch."
"Ha!" Alex cries, pointing at Cash. "You just made a Star Trek reference!"
"I did not."
Alex crosses his arms over his chest and looks smug.
"Oh, fuck you. Your nerd vibes are rubbing off on me. Whatever. So whose dick do you want to suck, anyway?"
"What?" Alex asks.
"We both know you want to suck dick, just. Whose dick do you want to suck? You've got to have somebody who you look at and think, Dude, I fucking want his dick in my mouth right now."
"You're disgusting," Alex says.
"And you're stalling. Come on. I already told you I was fine with you being a homo, and you know damn well I'd fuck Bethany Price until I blacked out if I got the chance, so?"
"It's not just," Alex says, shaking his head. "It's not about that."
"Bullshit."
"It's not!"
Cash sighs. "Fine. You want a gay husband to get gay married to and have gay dogs and gay babies and live gay happily ever after. But who do you want to fuck?"
"Nobody!" Alex cries. Then when Cash looks at him for a long time he says, "Justin Timberlake?"
"Famous people don't count."
"Why not?" Alex asks.
"Because you can't actually fuck famous people. And don't say that homo from Panic at the Disco, either. I don't care that he, like, sweated on you or whatever. I mean a real person."
Alex sighs and tugs on his hair. "I don't know," he says. "I don't really think about it."
Cash snorts. "You are so fucking pathetic."
Alex is thankful when Cash lets it go, because it's not like he can say, I think about having sex with you, and still keep Cash as his best friend.
Of course, Cash doesn't really let it drop. They're in the Guitar Center because Cash needs new strings, and Cash elbows Alex and jerks his head towards a guy looking through the piano music.
"What?" Alex asks.
Cash elbows him again and raises his eyebrows, as if Alex is supposed to have any idea what he means.
"Seriously," Alex says.
Cash rolls his eyes. "He's cute, right?"
Alex doesn't even know how to respond to that. "I," he says, looking over at the guy. He is cute, and he's got amazing hair and a nice ass, but. "What?"
"Go flirt with him or something. Shit."
"What? No!"
"Pussy."
"I'm not flirting with some random guy in a Guitar Center," Alex hisses.
"Go get his number or I will get it for you."
"No, no, no!" Alex grabs Cash's arm. "Please, no."
"Oh, my God. It's like you actually have a vagina. Are you sure you're not a tranny?"
Alex doesn't talk to Cash for the rest of the day.
While running laps in gym class, Cash says, "So, what about Andy Hillman?"
"What about Andy Hillman?" Alex asks.
"He'd probably let you suck his dick."
Alex doesn't feel bad at all when he trips Cash and just keeps going.
"Why," Alex asks at lunch that day, "are you suddenly so interested in getting me laid?"
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
"I don't need you to get me laid!" he cries, then realizes he was a little loud and lowers his voice. "I don't need you to keep trying to get me laid," he says.
"Don't you want to get laid?"
"Of course I want to get laid."
"Then what's the problem?"
"Just. Let me get laid in my own time, okay?"
Cash rolls his eyes. "Dude. You're like the only virgin left in our entire class."
"That is so not true."
"Fine. You're the only virgin on the basketball team."
Alex frowns. That might actually be true.
"Don't you want some guy you can get freaky with?" Cash asks.
"Well, yeah, of course, but--"
"But nothing. I'm you're friend and I'm just looking out for you."
"Oh," Alex says softly. "But, um, shouldn't it...? I mean, I don't know. I kind of wanted my first time to be special?"
Surprisingly, Cash doesn't crack a joke. He just says, "Nobody's first time is special, even if it's with somebody you think you love. All that emotional bullshit comes later. Right now, you just need to bust your nut."
"You're so disgusting."
Cash grins at him, then shows him the half-chewed French fries in his mouth.
Later that day they're hanging out in Alex's room the same way they are every afternoon. "So that's a definite no on Andy Hillman?" Cash asks.
"Oh, my God. What are you, now, my pimp?"
"No. Just. Seriously. I heard he's totally willing to let dudes suck his dick."
"I don't want to just suck some random's dick, okay?" Alex asks. "It's weird enough doing it for the first time, and doing it with someone I don't even fucking know?" He cringes.
"Okay," says Cash. "Okay. Let's do it."
Alex looks up from his chemistry textbook. "What?"
"Take your clothes off. We're going to do it."
"Do what?"
"Fuck," says Cash. "Look. You like dick and I don't but whatever. You're hot. I've jerked off thinking about you before. We should have sex. It's a win-win. You get dick and I get sex." He stands up and starts unzipping his fly. "So do you just want to, like, suck it or what?"
Alex looks on, horrified, as Cash pushes his jeans and his boxers down around his ankles. "Um," he says.
"Don’t be a little bitch about this," Cash tells him. "I'll totally get you off, too, okay? Just, you know, with my hand, probably. I don't know. Let's just roll with it and see how it goes."
Alex knows he should object, but all that comes out of his mouth is, "I, um, I don't actually know how..."
"Well, I do," Cash tells him. "I get my dick sucked all the time, and it can't be that difficult. Just put it in your mouth."
"Okay," says Alex, and he knows he should tell Cash to put his fucking pants back on and get the hell out, but he slides to his knees and looks at Cash's dick up close for the first time. He takes a deep breath as Cash fists his cock, getting it hard, and then he leans in and closes his eyes and it's okay. It's not, like, the best thing ever, but he's got his lips wrapped around the head of Cash's dick. He slides his tongue over it, getting used to the feel and the taste.
"Yeah, tongue the slit," says Cash, so Alex does. He feels ridiculous. Then Cash grips his hair and slides his cock further into Alex's mouth and, okay. Okay. He can do this. He tries to push down the panic at not being able to breathe, jerks in a breath through his nose and closes his eyes and lets Cash fuck his mouth and, really? It's not as hot as he thought sucking dick would be. He's not even really turned on, and Cash keeps pulling his hair and shoving his dick forward and.
Alex gags and jerks away, coughs and spits and that's actual bile in the back of his throat.
"What?" Cash asks.
Alex's eyes are watering and his gag reflex is still really touchy, so he doesn't say anything for a while.
"What?" Cash demands.
"I just actually threw up in my mouth a little bit." Alex's voice is rough and his throat is raw. "I'm going to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and when I get back, you're not going to be here."
"What?" Cash asks. "Hey, no, you can't just--"
Alex ignores him and heads to the bathroom. He spits into the sink and coughs and avoids looking at his reflection as he brushes his teeth. He's such an idiot. He's such a fucking idiot for thinking for one second that maybe he and Cash could actually have something other than friendship.
When he gets back to his room, Cash is, predictably, still there. He's got his pants on, though, so that's a plus. Alex sighs and doesn't meet Cash's gaze.
"Dude, did you really puke?" Cash asks.
"Little bit," says Alex. He hates the way stomach acid makes his throat feel, hot and stinging.
"Fuck. Okay. So obviously, we moved too fast. Maybe we should start out with handjobs."
"Maybe we should forget this entire stupid idea," Alex snaps.
"No way. No fucking way. It's not a stupid idea, it's an awesome idea. We just. I thought maybe because you liked dick it would come naturally to you, but apparently that's not how it works, so, whatever. We'll work our way up to blowjobs."
"Cash," Alex says, shaking his head.
"Or I could do you, first. Figure out what went wrong the first time."
"You tried to shove your dick down my throat," Alex tells him. "I'm pretty sure that's what went wrong."
"Well, yeah, but I've never actually made anybody puke before."
"You've gotten, like, three blowjobs in your entire life."
"Five!" Cash cries.
"It's not like that makes you an expert. Just. Will you just go and let me finish my homework?"
"No," Cash tells him. He reaches out and tugs Alex towards the bed. Alex stays where he is and refuses to sit down. "Look. Just. This is a great idea, all right? And I want it to work."
"Well, obviously, it doesn't work." Alex feels a little humiliated. He'd kind of let himself imagine that he and Cash were perfect for each other, only now it's obvious that it's not true.
"We maybe started too fast. Handjobs, seriously."
"Oh, my God," says Alex, collapsing in his desk chair. "Just go home."
"Mutual masturbation?" Cash asks.
Alex rolls his eyes.
"Petting?" Cash asks. He's smirking, now, thinks it's funny.
"It's not funny," Alex tells him.
"Necking? A little bit of a cuddle? We can hold hands and take a walk through a field of daisies."
"Seriously. You're not funny."
"I'm fucking hilarious," Cash says, grinning at him. "Dude, was that or was that not the most fucked up sex you've ever had in your life?"
"I've never had sex, which you know perfectly well. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't even count."
"Why wouldn't it count?"
"Because you shoved your dick down my throat, I puked in my mouth, and neither one of us got off. How is that sex?"
"I see your point," Cash says. "I'm still not going home."
Alex sighs. "I'm not having sex with you."
Cash shrugs. "Whatever. Obviously you're unable to deal with my awesome and I'll accept that for the time being. But if I go home, you'll just log on to some website for emo fags and cry while typing out a really long story about how because of one little gagging incident you'll never be a real homo and nobody will ever love your scrawny ass and then you'll put on, like, Matchbox 20 and curl up into a ball on your bed and imagine how terrible your life is going to be now that you're certified unloveable."
"Emo fags?" Alex asks. "Really?"
"It's scary how well I know you, isn't it?"
"Emo fags. Seriously. How are we even friends?"
"Because deep down inside, you recognize the power of my awesomeness."
"Because deep down inside, I'm a fucking idiot. Like, what even made us think that was a good idea?"
"What?" Cash asks. "Me being awesome?"
"No, us, like, doing it." Alex turns towards his computer and signs Cash off MySpace, clicks the bookmark to check his email.
"So we got off to a bad start, so what?"
"You're delusional," Alex tells him. "Obviously, we weren't meant to be."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means that if we were supposed to be having sex we would have had amazing sex. Since we had really shitty not-sex, we're obviously not meant to be."
Cash laughs. "Really?"
"What?" Alex snaps.
"You live in an imaginary Disney movie in your head, don't you?"
Alex frowns. "No."
"No, really. You can tell me. Are you waiting for a knight in shining armor to rescue you?"
"You're an asshole," he snarls, clicking his mouse a lot harder than he has to. "Can you please just go the fuck home? Now?"
Cash looks at him for a long moment, and Alex has already resigned himself to another ten minutes of mocking, when Cash gets up and says. "Yeah. Okay. Whatever. I'll see you tomorrow."
Alex isn't sure how to tell Cash that he actually doesn't want to be alone right then, so he says nothing and just stares at his email inbox, instead. Once Cash is gone he tells himself that it's for the best, that, really, that was the stupidest thing anybody could ever do in the entire world.
He'd still rather have Cash there to laugh at him and tell him how stupid it was.
He has trouble getting to sleep that night, keeps thinking about it, the way Cash's dick had felt in his hand and his mouth, the bitter-salt-skin taste of it, the way he'd been able to feel Cash's pulse on his tongue. He gets so turned on remembering it, which makes no sense because at the time he'd been embarrassed and not turned on at all. But he thinks about it while he jerks off and comes hard, imagining the scent of his own release is actually Cash.
He feels guilty the next morning, can't meet his mother's eyes over breakfast. He dreads seeing Cash at school. He knows Cash is going to make fun of him all day, all week, probably for the rest of the month.
But when he sits down next to Cash in English, Cash doesn't say anything to him. He's slouched down in his chair, absorbed in his book, which is strange. Cash is only taking AP English because Alex badgered him into it, and he actually hates most of the books they have to read. Alex knows he's not really as into The Great Gatsby as he's pretending to be.
"So, hey," Alex says softly. He's not sure what he's going to say, but he figures he should say something. "Um, about yesterday--"
"Can't you see I'm reading here?" Cash demands.
"Since when do you read?" Alex asks.
Cash sighs and slams his book down, then grabs his backpack and moves a few rows away. They don't have assigned seats, but he and Alex always sit next to each other. Alex frowns and looks down at his hands.
"Lovers' spat?" Mark Kendall asks from behind him. Mark's favorite pastime is calling everyone he knows a homo.
"Blow me," Alex snaps.
"Not really my thing," he says. "That's your department, isn't it?"
"So what if it was?" Alex asks.
Mark doesn't have a comeback to that. Alex is probably the only person who hasn't vehemently denied any of Mark's accusations.
Alex turns around in his seat and glares at Mark. "No, seriously," he says. "You spend all your fucking time calling people faggots, so what if I was? What would you do about it?"
"Dude," says Mark, holding his hands up in a gesture of peace. "Are you on the rag or what?"
"You're just such a douchebag all the time," Alex snaps. "Maybe I'm just sick of it."
Mark looks bewildered as the bell rings and Alex turns back around. He finds it impossible to pay attention to anything Mrs. Jorgensen says, he's so busy fuming: fuming at himself for being enough of an idiot to go along with Cash's stupid idea; fuming at Cash for being a dick about it; fuming at Mark for making jokes that had honestly never bothered Alex before; fuming at himself again for wanting Cash as much as he does even after it became crystal clear that they could never be anything but friends.
He's cranky all through Spanish, through pre-calc, through chemistry. He waits at his locker before lunch and kicks himself for being surprised that Cash doesn't show up. He actually eats in the cafeteria, sitting with Mindy Bresson from his Spanish class and pretending to be interested in the conversation she and her friends are having about movies.
In gym, he runs laps with the rest of the guys from the basketball team and they all bitch about how they shouldn't even have to take gym, they're athletes and should be exempt even though the season's over.
When Alex sees Cash's car pulling out of the parking lot without him, he sighs and digs out his phone. thanks for the ride asshole, he texts as he walks towards the bus stop.
"You're home late," his mother says as he gets home nearly an hour later.
"Took the bus," he says.
"Oh, I thought Cash was driving you."
Alex shrugs. He got most of his Spanish homework done on the bus but he needs to finish The Great Gatsby and a worksheet on osmosis for chemistry, so he heads up to his room without stopping to talk to her. It's not like he could talk to her about it, anyway.
After his homework's done, he lies on his bed and stares up at the ceiling. He thinks about putting on some music, but he everything he wants to listen to is something Cash would make fun of him for. He just lies there in silence and tries not to think about anything.
"Alex?" his mother asks, knocking on his door.
"Come in," he says. He never locks his door, but his mother's really good about knocking. It had only taken one horrifying incident where she walked in on him jerking off when he was thirteen for her to knock and wait for his answer every time.
She opens his door and leans against the doorframe. "You want to talk about it?" she asks.
"Nothing to talk about."
She frowns and he can tell that she knows he's lying.
"I had a fight with Cash. It's not a big deal." He doesn't know if either one of those things is true: if it counts as a fight or if it's a big deal or not.
She looks at him for a long moment and he expects her to push it, but instead she just says, "Dinner will be ready soon, you should go wash up."
He just picks at his dinner, barely eats two helpings, and he can't stop thinking about how much his life sucks. He'd been sure that he and Cash would have been amazing together but they're not. They're terrible together and to add insult to injury, Cash is totally ignoring him now that he knows for sure that Alex is a huge gaymo with no sexual prowess.
After dinner, Alex looks at his phone for a long time. He hates not talking to Cash, and he spends hours trying to compose the perfect text to make Cash talk to him again. What he finally texts is, i have your great Gatsby paper almost done.
There's no answer for a while. Then his phone beeps and it's Cash. nvrmnd il do it myslf.
Cash has never written an English paper in the entire time Alex has known him. you'll totally fail
fuck u
I'm sorry, Alex types and he hits send without even know what he's supposed to be sorry for. He just knows that Cash is pissed at him, and really? It's not like Cash has any reason to be angry. Alex is the one who should be angry.
u don’t even no what ur sorry 4, Cash texts back.
I'm sorry youre such a douchebag. I'm sorry that you're all fucking butthurt that you didn't get your amazing blowjob. I'm sorry that I had to ride the bus home today next to a lady who smelled like the worst bo in the history of ever.
Alex hits send, then starts typing again. I'm sorry that calling me a homo isn't fun for you anymore. I'm sorry that I listened to your stupid fucking idea in the first place. I'm sorry that I fucking CHOKED on ur DICK and PUKED in my MOUTH
Alex's phone rings and it's Cash. Alex hits "ignore" and keeps texting him. you don't have any right to be an asshole the way you were today, ignoring me just because what? Your pissed that youdidn't get your rocks off?
Cash calls again. He's a persistent fucker but Alex doesn't feel like hearing his voice.
youre such a fucking asshoe to me all the time and I let you be because wer friends but your kind of a shit friend right now because really? Your idea to help me is to stick your dick in my mouth? That's your version of altruism? You kind of suck
u kind of suck, and then you choke on it, Cash texts back.
Alex doesn't mean to, but he laughs.
now that ur laffing u going 2 talk 2 me or wht?
Alex pauses and frowns.
"I'm out here, douchebag," Cash says from the other side of Alex's bedroom window.
Alex jumps at his voice, then hurries to the window and pulls up his blinds. "Stalker much?" he asks as he slides his window open.
"Yeah, well, unless your mom has suddenly started letting you have friends over after nine, I figured this was the only way you'd actually talk to me." Cash climbs into Alex's room. "You're a douchebag, by the way."
"Me?" Alex demands. "I'm not the one who totally took advantage of his best friend during his big gay crisis and shoved his dick down his best friends throat and proved that his best friend's big gay love for him is really just his best friend being an idiot because the sex was, like, the worst sex ever in the world and then I'm not the one who didn't talk to his best friend the whole next day because of the big gay love and the bad sex and the vomit."
"Wait," says Cash. "What?"
"Go home," Alex tells him, crossing his arms over his chest. "This is just, like, can we just erase the past month of our lives and pretend it never happened?"
"Dude," says Cash. "You're in love with me? That's pretty fucking gay."
"I'm pretty fucking gay!" Alex shouts at him, then looks towards his door. He really, really hopes his mother didn't hear that.
"Yeah, I figured that out. Just. So. Okay. So we try again."
Alex sighs in relief. "Thank you."
"Do you want to get naked right now?"
Alex looks at him with wide eyes. "What part of let's forget this ever happened are you not getting?"
Cash huffs and shakes his head. "So here's the thing. You make my dick hard. And not just, like, when it's in your mouth. So I think we should, you know. Get hard together. Only maybe we need to scale things back a little bit. Like, um, rubbing or thrusting or something that won't involve your gag reflex."
"Cash," Alex says wearily.
"I'm serious."
"You were serious last time and then you didn't talk to me for an entire day. I had to ride the bus, Cash. People smell bad on the bus, and you know how sensitive I am to bad smells."
Cash sighs and flops onto Alex's bed. "Yeah, well. You, like, hated my dick. It was embarrassing."
"I didn't hate your dick."
"You puked on it."
"You gagged me with it."
"I couldn't help it. It felt really fucking good, okay?"
Alex shifts back and forth on his feet. "Really?"
"Yes. Jesus." Cash covers his face with his hands. "Looking down at you sucking me off was, like, the hottest thing that I've ever seen in my entire life. And I know that's fucked up, but it's true, so." He lets his hands fall away and looks at Alex. "If you've got a big homo crush on me and I get hard thinking about you, then we'd be retards not to try and work something out."
Alex sits down on the edge of his bed. "But it's not meant to be. It's obviously not meant to be."
"What does that even mean?"
"I mean that if it was meant to be, it would have been perfect. When you're with the person you're supposed to be with, it just all comes together the way it's supposed to."
Cash rolls his eyes. "I'm making your mom cancel the Disney Channel. And Lifetime. Seriously. That's, like, the most fucked up version of the way sex is supposed to be ever."
Alex looks down at his hands and sighs.
"Sex is just weird, okay? Like, you're naked and you're turned on and you make weird sounds and it's totally fucked up and embarrassing. But then you're with somebody else who's cool enough to not care that it's embarrassing and they're naked and turned on and making weird noises, too, and you both get orgasms, so it works out."
If there's anybody in the entire world Alex trusts enough to be naked and weird with, it's Cash. "I kind of hate it when you make sense," he says.
"Get down here," Cash says, tugging on Alex's arm. He tugs until Alex has no choice but to stretch out next to him. He stretches out next to Cash and looks up at the ceiling, then closes his eyes when Cash leans over him. "I'm going to kiss you right now," Cash tells him. "Don't fucking cut my lip with your braces like you did last time."
Alex laughs at that. "So you were trying to kiss me before?"
"Stop talking," Cash says, and then he kisses Alex, so Alex couldn't say anything even if he wanted to. He doesn't really want to. Cash's mouth feels really good against his and he reaches up with one hand and strokes Cash's shoulder.
"This is weird," Alex says when Cash pulls away. He opens his eyes and he can't quite focus on Cash's face, it's so close.
"It's awesome," Cash tells him. "So shut up. Seriously."
Alex grins into the next kiss. It is weird, but it's also really nice, especially when he feels Cash's tongue against his bottom lip. He opens his mouth just a little bit, lets Cash slide his tongue inside, and it's weird, it's so freaking weird, but it's also really hot.
"We can just make out tonight, right?" Alex asks.
Cash pulls back. "I have no idea what you just said considering the fact that my tongue was in your mouth as you said it."
Alex laughs again. His chest feels light and it feels so good to touch Cash's shoulders and back with his hands, feel his muscles and his warm skin. "We can just make out tonight, right?" he asks. "Because maybe the sex stuff? Maybe that should wait until we're sure."
Cash groans and drops his head down against Alex's shoulder. "Oh, my God," he says. "It's like you really, really are a girl. You're sure you're not a tranny?"
Alex brings his knee up, just teasing, hits it against Cash's thigh, but it's enough to scare Cash into moving so that they're pressed together from shoulder to thigh. Alex can feel Cash's hard on against his hip, and it makes him shudder.
"Or hands," says Alex, thinking about what it would feel like to have someone else's hand on his dick, what it would feel like to be touching Cash at the same time. "We can jerk each other off, maybe?"
"Maybe," says Cash, and he props himself up on his elbows and they start kissing again, kissing until Alex's jaw hurts and his lips feel sore and swollen and his dick is so hard it hurts, the way it's trapped in his jeans.
"I have to," Alex whispers, pulling away. "I'm really..." He's breathless. He had no idea that making out could ever make him feel so breathless and shaky.
"Hey, don't," Cash says, twisting his head so he can keep kissing Alex. "Come back here."
"I just. Pants." Alex gasps with relief as he unbuttons his fly. "Pants off," he says.
"Sweet." Cash tugs his t-shirt off, then pushes his pants down and they're kissing again, only they're naked. Mostly naked. Alex is still wearing his shirt and his jeans are only shoved halfway down his thighs, but he doesn't even care. That's Cash's dick right there, right there pressed against Alex's dick and he can't even imagine anything more awesome. Their dicks are touching and Cash is kissing him hard and he's naked and Alex slides his hands down to grip Cash's ass and, yes. It's amazing and Alex can't stop himself from coming hard, from shuddering and maybe crying out in a way that would be embarrassing if Cash wasn't grunting and rutting against him and coming, too, all over Alex's stomach.
"Do you think we'll stick together if we stay like this?" Alex asks after a few minutes. He can feel their come on his belly and he thinks that maybe it will totally glue him and Cash together.
"Fuck me," Cash says, rolling off him. He curls slings his arm across Alex's hips and snuggles close to him, which totally makes up for him saying, "You're still the only gaymo in this bed, okay?"
Alex grins and nods as Cash kisses sleepily at his neck. "You keep telling yourself that," he says, and turns in the circle of Cash's arms so they can hold each other as they fall asleep.