Regret; An Open Topic

[cacophonesque]

Four months. One third of a year. One-hundred eighteen days since my father went to sleep and didn't wake up again. Two-thousand eight-hundred thirty-two hours since my dad ended a twenty-one year battle with chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder and shuffled off this mortal coil for destinations unknown. One-hundred sixty-nine thousand nine-

Comments

[sdaisyk]

Haunting.

Tears.

[cacophonesque]

I've been wanting to write about this for a while now, but never being able to do so.

[team_jessie]

This is beautiful, and heartbreaking, and wonderfully written

[cacophonesque]

Thank you. It's been sitting in me for a while now, needing to come out

[team_jessie]

The institutional and mental health system was a right mess, as I'm sure you know. Last season, I got a chance to write about my relative unease at turning Eastern State Penitentiary into a Halloween theme park, but then they turned around and did the same thing toPennhurst Asylum.

I'm glad that the historic sites are being preserved, but not sure what's supposed to be so damn scary about woefully misunderstood people, and the wretched conditions they were kept in. :-/

[cacophonesque]

My grandmother was at the Pennsylvania School for Feeble-Minded Children, which is still in operation today as Elwyn. From what I've been able to gather it's not so bad in its modern incarnation--but it has a pretty troubling history, including having been the only place in PA to perform 270 sterilizations for essentially eugenics reasons.

[myrna_bird]

Oh, this was so raw and beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a sensitive piece of yourself.

[cacophonesque]

Thanks for reading. This was something that I really needed to get out and had been struggling to get it to the page--but then I saw Open Topic and I'd been wanting to Home Game for a while, and suddenly the words came.

[myrna_bird]

It worked out well for you then. It's nice seeing you back around the GR too. How is that little daughter of yours?

[cacophonesque]

She's wonderful! The past 9.5 months have definitely been full of challenges for me--but she's turning into such a delightful little girl. It seems that the world is enamored of her--people can't seem to help but stop and engage with her. And we do try to cultivate her social nature and adventurous spirit. She's already started walking, and I'm certain that she's already cracking jokes in her own way. And oh boy can she climb!

It takes a lot of energy to keep up with her, but it's becoming more and more fun to do so.

It's nice to know that even after life's been crazy for a while, I can wander back over to the GR and find friendly faces and stimulating conversations.

[writingmoments]

This is so sad yet so beautifully written. I am impressed how you have taken your grief and used it for something productive, finding out more about your history.

You, it seems you are addressing questions to your dad about whether knowing his mom had a mental illness, if it would have changed his feelings toward her? (if I read that wrong, I deeply apologize)

My mom is mentally ill and I did not realize it as a child, that that was behind her..cruelty.

It does change things and it doesn't. I do have more sympathy for her but it's still something to work though because, at the time, I was a child and she had all the power and I didn't understand why she so often chose to use power to hurt instead of give love. I am less bitter but I still have days of just..still hurt even though I kind of understand.

But I do not blame her for being mentally ill or use that fact against her. Knowing that was behind her actions is ultimately helpful.

::hugs:: It sounds like you are finding out a lot and it is..you have a good perspective on it.

[cacophonesque]

Doing all the research... it's like, this is something I can give back to my family. It's hard for me to get around to visit and I don't have much in the way of money--but I'm good at research and deductive reasoning and inductive reasoning and problem solving in general, all of which are good skills for genealogy

[alycewilson]

I love the litany of time and how you come back to it at the end, as if finding comfort in that which can be quantified when so much defies understanding.

[cacophonesque]

Thank you. I think that is an astute and articulate explanation. I do often find comfort in the quantifiable (and particularly the mathematical).