The Aughts: A Retrospectoscope
So now that it's the dawn of the next decade, I started looking back through things that have occured in the last ten years. There's been some awesome stuff and kind of a lot of bullcrap. We'll see which parts seem important in another ten years, but this is the stuff that I found interesting. ^^
2000:
-Elian Gonzalez is returned to Cuba.
-In the anti-trust case United States v. Microsoft, the multinational software corporation is ruled to be a monopoly. Later that year, Microsoft releases Windows ME, widely considered to be a giant "no, fuck you."
-In a decision split along party lines, the Supreme Court votes to end the recount of the presidential election, essentially handing G.W. Bush the Presidency of the United States.
-The first resident crew arrives at the International Space Station. Sadly, it would be many years before anything aboard it could be named for Stephen Colbert.
2001:
-Wikipedia is launched.
-The Russian space station Mir de-orbits, landing in the Pacific Ocean.
-The first self-contained artificial heart is successfully implanted.
-Sept. 11th. The US declares war on Afghanistan, and the Patriot Act is signed into law.
-Enron files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, the largest such filing up to this point. Kenneth Lay, the CEO of the company, would later be convicted of securities fraud, amongst other things, but died of natural causes before serving any sentence. It's something of a marker of the extreme financial stupidity that went on during this decade that, despite causing the collapse of a major corporation and costing thousands of people their jobs, Mr. Lay is generally considered only the second biggest financial asshole of the decade.
2002:
-No Child Left Behind is signed into law.
-The trial of Slobodan Milosevic on charges of war crimes begins in the Hague. Like Kenneth Lay, Milosevic would die of natural causes before serving any sentence for his crimes, leaving the first few years of the Aughts overpopulated by frustratingly blue-balled executioners.
-The Mars Odyssey finds evidence of large water ice deposits on Mars.
-The Beltway Sniper attacks begin.
-The Dot-Com bubble reaches rock bottom as the Dow Jones slips below 7200. The Pets.com sockpuppet has his argyle reposessed.
-The US Congress passes a joint resolution authorizing President Bush to use the armed forces "as he deems necessary and appropriate" with regards to Iraq. Quoted one Congressman, "What's the worst that could happen?"
2003
-The Department of Homeland Security begins operation.
-The Space Shuttle Columbia disintergrates during re-entry, killing all aboard.
-The WHO issues a global alert on SARS, beginning a trend of viral freakouts that continues to this day.
-US forces sieze control of Baghdad, Iraq.
-The Human Genome Project is completed.
-Martha Stewart is convicted of insider trading. Her five-month stay in a minimum security facility had an obvious effect on her, as became evident during the now-famous Oprah Shanking Incident.
-Columnist Robert Novak publishes the name of Valerie Plame, blowing her cover as a CIA agent. As part of the fallout from this incident, Novak's closest friends would come to know him by the friendly nickname, "The Prince of Darkness." I shit you not.
2004
-The CIA admits that there was no immediate threat from Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, discrediting a major reason for the invasion. Dick Cheney responds by blasting a 78 year old man in the face with a shotgun.
-The Mars Lander Opportunity confirms that its landing area was once drenched in water.
-Ronald Reagan dies at the age of 93. However, President Reagan would rise from the dead three days later to deliver eternal salvation to all free-market Republicans.
-A UN report pins the blame for the Darfur genocide on the government of Sudan.
-President Bush is re-elected.
-Facebook is founded. Dick Cheney is seen cocking his shotgun wistfully.
-US Secretary of State Colin Powel resigns, and is suceeded by Condoleeza Rice. Said the exiting Mr. Powel, "Fuck that noise."
-A massive 9.3 earthquake strikes the Indian Ocean, causing tsunamis and flooding throughout the region.
2005
-Pope John Paul the 2nd dies. His successor, Benedict the XVI, is elected after force-choking the College of Cardinals. Said one of the Cardinals, "Give me that old-time religion."
-More than 1,800 people are killed during Hurricane Katrina and the subsequent flooding.
-Mahmoud Ahmedinejahd is elected president of Iran.
-US Army Reservist Lynndie England is convicted on 6 out of 7 counts against her, in conjunction with the Abu Gharib prison affair.
-The referendum on the proposed Iraqi constitution is held.
-North Korea announces it has nuclear weapons. In response, the UN Security Council looks up the Korean word for "bullshit."
-Andrew Stimpson is reported as the first person to have been cured of HIV.
2006
-House Majority Leader Tom Delay announces he will not seek re-election. Mr. Delay would later go on to abject humiliation on ABC's Dancing With the Stars, proving that every now and then justice does indeed prevail.
-Cuban President Fidel Castro relinquishes power to his brother, Raul.
-The IAU votes to reclassify Pluto as a Dwarf Planet, reducing the official size of the solar system to eight major planets.
-North Korea launches a Taepodong-2 missile to coincide with Fourth of July celebrations in the US. The missile fails shortly after launch.
-Google purchases YouTube for $1.65 billion.
-Former President of Iraq Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death and executed after being found guilty of crimes against humanity.
2007
-North Korea agrees to shut down its nuclear program in exchange for foreign aid. The aid fails shortly after launch.
-Gliese 581c, a potentially habitable extrasolar planet, is discovered in the constellation of Libra. Yum! Foods International draws up plans for the first extra-solar Hooters franchise.
-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is released, becoming the fastest selling book of all time.
-Track and Field star Marion Jones admits to doping, and relinquishes her 5 Olympic medals.
-The Writers Guild of America begins a 4-month strike. Naturally, this leads to a three-way confrontation between late-night talk show hosts over the rights to Mike Huckabee.
2008
-World stock prices plunge as the sub-prime morgage crisis begins.
-Michael Phelps surpasses Mark Spitz in gold medals won at a single Olympics.
-Pirates hijack German, Japanese and Iranian ships off the coast of Somalia. Pirate enthusiasts the world over complain that the Somali pirates, who refuse to wear tricorn hats or even set their beards on fire, "are not getting into the spirit of the thing at all."
-The Large Hadron Collider becomes operational. The universe somehow fails to spontaneously implode.
-Barak Obama is elected President of the United States.
2009
-Rod Blagojevich gets the first mention of 2009. He's got this mention and it's @#$%ing golden, and he's not gonna let it just go for @#$%ing nothing.
-As a result of the sub-prime morgage crisis, Iceland experiences a systematic banking collapse, leading Prime Minister Geir Haarde to resign. The situation frustrates the populace so much that nobody bothers to freak out when the new PM turns out to be a lesbian.
-The outbreak of the H1N1 flu is declared a pandemic.
-Bernie Madoff admits to running the largest Ponzi scheme of all time, and would later be charged with a variety of financial offenses, including money laundering, securities fraud, wire fraud, and generally being the biggest, richest dickhead of the decade.
-The death of Michael Jackson is met with an outpouring of public grief, and a newfound and slightly disturbing edge to the Thriller music video.
-NASA announces the discovery of water on the Moon, paving the way for a manned colony on its surface.
-Mahmoud Ahmedinijahd is re-elected President of Iran. The broadly contested and erratic results are met with widespread protest. Against all probability, Twitter becomes socially relevant.
2000:
-Elian Gonzalez is returned to Cuba.
-In the anti-trust case United States v. Microsoft, the multinational software corporation is ruled to be a monopoly. Later that year, Microsoft releases Windows ME, widely considered to be a giant "no, fuck you."
-In a decision split along party lines, the Supreme Court votes to end the recount of the presidential election, essentially handing G.W. Bush the Presidency of the United States.
-The first resident crew arrives at the International Space Station. Sadly, it would be many years before anything aboard it could be named for Stephen Colbert.
2001:
-Wikipedia is launched.
-The Russian space station Mir de-orbits, landing in the Pacific Ocean.
-The first self-contained artificial heart is successfully implanted.
-Sept. 11th. The US declares war on Afghanistan, and the Patriot Act is signed into law.
-Enron files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, the largest such filing up to this point. Kenneth Lay, the CEO of the company, would later be convicted of securities fraud, amongst other things, but died of natural causes before serving any sentence. It's something of a marker of the extreme financial stupidity that went on during this decade that, despite causing the collapse of a major corporation and costing thousands of people their jobs, Mr. Lay is generally considered only the second biggest financial asshole of the decade.
2002:
-No Child Left Behind is signed into law.
-The trial of Slobodan Milosevic on charges of war crimes begins in the Hague. Like Kenneth Lay, Milosevic would die of natural causes before serving any sentence for his crimes, leaving the first few years of the Aughts overpopulated by frustratingly blue-balled executioners.
-The Mars Odyssey finds evidence of large water ice deposits on Mars.
-The Beltway Sniper attacks begin.
-The Dot-Com bubble reaches rock bottom as the Dow Jones slips below 7200. The Pets.com sockpuppet has his argyle reposessed.
-The US Congress passes a joint resolution authorizing President Bush to use the armed forces "as he deems necessary and appropriate" with regards to Iraq. Quoted one Congressman, "What's the worst that could happen?"
2003
-The Department of Homeland Security begins operation.
-The Space Shuttle Columbia disintergrates during re-entry, killing all aboard.
-The WHO issues a global alert on SARS, beginning a trend of viral freakouts that continues to this day.
-US forces sieze control of Baghdad, Iraq.
-The Human Genome Project is completed.
-Martha Stewart is convicted of insider trading. Her five-month stay in a minimum security facility had an obvious effect on her, as became evident during the now-famous Oprah Shanking Incident.
-Columnist Robert Novak publishes the name of Valerie Plame, blowing her cover as a CIA agent. As part of the fallout from this incident, Novak's closest friends would come to know him by the friendly nickname, "The Prince of Darkness." I shit you not.
2004
-The CIA admits that there was no immediate threat from Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, discrediting a major reason for the invasion. Dick Cheney responds by blasting a 78 year old man in the face with a shotgun.
-The Mars Lander Opportunity confirms that its landing area was once drenched in water.
-Ronald Reagan dies at the age of 93. However, President Reagan would rise from the dead three days later to deliver eternal salvation to all free-market Republicans.
-A UN report pins the blame for the Darfur genocide on the government of Sudan.
-President Bush is re-elected.
-Facebook is founded. Dick Cheney is seen cocking his shotgun wistfully.
-US Secretary of State Colin Powel resigns, and is suceeded by Condoleeza Rice. Said the exiting Mr. Powel, "Fuck that noise."
-A massive 9.3 earthquake strikes the Indian Ocean, causing tsunamis and flooding throughout the region.
2005
-Pope John Paul the 2nd dies. His successor, Benedict the XVI, is elected after force-choking the College of Cardinals. Said one of the Cardinals, "Give me that old-time religion."
-More than 1,800 people are killed during Hurricane Katrina and the subsequent flooding.
-Mahmoud Ahmedinejahd is elected president of Iran.
-US Army Reservist Lynndie England is convicted on 6 out of 7 counts against her, in conjunction with the Abu Gharib prison affair.
-The referendum on the proposed Iraqi constitution is held.
-North Korea announces it has nuclear weapons. In response, the UN Security Council looks up the Korean word for "bullshit."
-Andrew Stimpson is reported as the first person to have been cured of HIV.
2006
-House Majority Leader Tom Delay announces he will not seek re-election. Mr. Delay would later go on to abject humiliation on ABC's Dancing With the Stars, proving that every now and then justice does indeed prevail.
-Cuban President Fidel Castro relinquishes power to his brother, Raul.
-The IAU votes to reclassify Pluto as a Dwarf Planet, reducing the official size of the solar system to eight major planets.
-North Korea launches a Taepodong-2 missile to coincide with Fourth of July celebrations in the US. The missile fails shortly after launch.
-Google purchases YouTube for $1.65 billion.
-Former President of Iraq Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death and executed after being found guilty of crimes against humanity.
2007
-North Korea agrees to shut down its nuclear program in exchange for foreign aid. The aid fails shortly after launch.
-Gliese 581c, a potentially habitable extrasolar planet, is discovered in the constellation of Libra. Yum! Foods International draws up plans for the first extra-solar Hooters franchise.
-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is released, becoming the fastest selling book of all time.
-Track and Field star Marion Jones admits to doping, and relinquishes her 5 Olympic medals.
-The Writers Guild of America begins a 4-month strike. Naturally, this leads to a three-way confrontation between late-night talk show hosts over the rights to Mike Huckabee.
2008
-World stock prices plunge as the sub-prime morgage crisis begins.
-Michael Phelps surpasses Mark Spitz in gold medals won at a single Olympics.
-Pirates hijack German, Japanese and Iranian ships off the coast of Somalia. Pirate enthusiasts the world over complain that the Somali pirates, who refuse to wear tricorn hats or even set their beards on fire, "are not getting into the spirit of the thing at all."
-The Large Hadron Collider becomes operational. The universe somehow fails to spontaneously implode.
-Barak Obama is elected President of the United States.
2009
-Rod Blagojevich gets the first mention of 2009. He's got this mention and it's @#$%ing golden, and he's not gonna let it just go for @#$%ing nothing.
-As a result of the sub-prime morgage crisis, Iceland experiences a systematic banking collapse, leading Prime Minister Geir Haarde to resign. The situation frustrates the populace so much that nobody bothers to freak out when the new PM turns out to be a lesbian.
-The outbreak of the H1N1 flu is declared a pandemic.
-Bernie Madoff admits to running the largest Ponzi scheme of all time, and would later be charged with a variety of financial offenses, including money laundering, securities fraud, wire fraud, and generally being the biggest, richest dickhead of the decade.
-The death of Michael Jackson is met with an outpouring of public grief, and a newfound and slightly disturbing edge to the Thriller music video.
-NASA announces the discovery of water on the Moon, paving the way for a manned colony on its surface.
-Mahmoud Ahmedinijahd is re-elected President of Iran. The broadly contested and erratic results are met with widespread protest. Against all probability, Twitter becomes socially relevant.