(no subject)
So my Mamaw died yesterday.
It was rather unexpected. She wasn't ill, beyond some chronic conditions that come from being in her mid-70s. She lived alone at home. She still drove. She, in essence, was pretty much still in control of her life. She was going to get an iPhone in a few months. She wanted an iPad for Christmas this year. She was editing her second book and writing her third. She was going to come visit us this summer and fly for the first time on an airplane.
My Papaw died three years ago. He'd been very ill and had been hospitalized for a long time. It was hard when he died but in some ways Mamaw's death is going to be harder. Of the five grandparents I have, four are now deceased. My Grandmother Joanne died when my father was 12. I never met her and have only seen few pictures. She was very pretty. My Grandpa died in 1998. I was 12 and most memories I have of him are through the lens of childhood.
My Grandpa was very wealthy but he had 6 children and 1 step-daughter and while he would help his kids out, he wasn't there to finance their lives; especially since they were/are all well able and capable of providing for themselves. But I remember when times were hard; Grandpa would come by and give me and my little brother money, which we would give to our parents for "safekeeping". It didn't really dawn on me until after he died that the money he gave us would generally be grocery money for the week.
My Grandpa taught me how to tie my shoes. My dad is like him in many ways, but somehow the things about my dad I don't like, in my grandpa those traits were endearing. I don't think I would have like being his kid, but I quite liked him as his grandkid. I was one of ten grandkids at the time of his death, but I always felt like he saw me as somewhat of an individual instead of just one of the grandkids (and one of the younger ones at that). I was old enough to understand, sort of, but young enough to really bounce back quite well. For all that I liked/loved my grandpa; he wasn't around enough for me to really miss him beyond at Christmas time (not for the presents, but as the Patriarch, which he definitely was).
My Papaw died three years ago. I adored my Papaw as a kid and thought he could do no wrong, unless he was criticizing my dad. Papaw never seemed to really approve of his son-in-law, and every time it seemed like he might be brought around, Dad would do something, voice some opinion, that would draw his hackles back up. Now, I and my dad do not always get along. We disagree on some pretty fundamental things about 50% of the time. But he's MY dad. And even if I don't agree with him, I can see his point(s) or at least understand how he arrived at his point(s). And I can talk to him, most of the time. My parents, both of them, encouraged discussion as opposed to autocratic obedience.
Every time Papaw would criticize my father, even subtly, it would lower him in my eyes. By the time he died, I loved him dearly and had many fond memories of him from my childhood, but I didn't feel like I could discuss anything with him. I loved him as a grandparent, but I really don't know if I would have liked him as a person if he hadn't been my grandparent. I mourned the childhood memories and the relationship we might have had.
But my Mamaw. I've gone to visit her in the spring every year for the last several years. Just me. No mom, dad, brother to distract. She was proud of me. She though that I was so smart. She liked to show me off to everyone she knew; telling them all about my "learning computers and math". She also liked to tell stories about my "smartness" as a little kid. I think if I heard the story about me as a two year old memorizing my favorite Curious George book and "reading" it to myself in her car once, I heard it a thousand times.
She was so willing to adapt to new things. She held dear to herself the things she thought were important, but she wasn't afraid to try new things. She was thrilled when I got her a new (to her) computer. She wrote books, basically her memoirs, and self-published them. She played computer games like it was a personal affront that she hadn't beaten them yet. She wanted the internet at her house, but thought dialup was too slow and called every two months to see if DSL or Cable had made it out to her house yet. She decided that having a house phone was stupid since she carried her cell with her all the time. She bought herself a portable DVD player and used it in her bedroom. She was a woman of the times in her own way.
She was generous with her time and money. She donated money even while being on a limited income to her church. They tried to get her to not donate, telling her that she needed that money, but she told her pastor that she wasn't going to let blessings pass her by and that God would take care of her. And God did, even if it was through the agency of her daughter (my mom) and her son (my uncle).
She prayed every day. She told me and my mom at separate times in the last few months that she felt closer to God than she'd ever felt in her life. That she'd forgiven people and forgiven herself. That she'd finally grieved for her husband and daughter (my deceased aunt).
She was also worried. She was starting to forget things. Just small things. She also got into some financial difficulties. Just small ones, but when you subside on social security even $20 is not actually a small thing. Mom was starting to look into maybe thinking about moving her up by us. She would have hated it. Mamaw has lived in Arkansas for most of her life. She knew people. If she didn't know you, she'd know someone you were related to, or someone you should know if you lived in such-and-such place, or she'd know someone that was related to someone with the same last name as yours. Are you sure you aren't related to them? You do have that look about you.
She knew how to get around. She'd been driving those roads for decades. She knew the politics, the issues, how to make small talk. She didn't like the cold either and we have a lot of that here in Wisconsin.
I don't know if I can articulate all the things she's passed down, either directly or through my mom. I do know this. I will miss her. I knew her as a person and I am thankful I got that opportunity.
It was rather unexpected. She wasn't ill, beyond some chronic conditions that come from being in her mid-70s. She lived alone at home. She still drove. She, in essence, was pretty much still in control of her life. She was going to get an iPhone in a few months. She wanted an iPad for Christmas this year. She was editing her second book and writing her third. She was going to come visit us this summer and fly for the first time on an airplane.
My Papaw died three years ago. He'd been very ill and had been hospitalized for a long time. It was hard when he died but in some ways Mamaw's death is going to be harder. Of the five grandparents I have, four are now deceased. My Grandmother Joanne died when my father was 12. I never met her and have only seen few pictures. She was very pretty. My Grandpa died in 1998. I was 12 and most memories I have of him are through the lens of childhood.
My Grandpa was very wealthy but he had 6 children and 1 step-daughter and while he would help his kids out, he wasn't there to finance their lives; especially since they were/are all well able and capable of providing for themselves. But I remember when times were hard; Grandpa would come by and give me and my little brother money, which we would give to our parents for "safekeeping". It didn't really dawn on me until after he died that the money he gave us would generally be grocery money for the week.
My Grandpa taught me how to tie my shoes. My dad is like him in many ways, but somehow the things about my dad I don't like, in my grandpa those traits were endearing. I don't think I would have like being his kid, but I quite liked him as his grandkid. I was one of ten grandkids at the time of his death, but I always felt like he saw me as somewhat of an individual instead of just one of the grandkids (and one of the younger ones at that). I was old enough to understand, sort of, but young enough to really bounce back quite well. For all that I liked/loved my grandpa; he wasn't around enough for me to really miss him beyond at Christmas time (not for the presents, but as the Patriarch, which he definitely was).
My Papaw died three years ago. I adored my Papaw as a kid and thought he could do no wrong, unless he was criticizing my dad. Papaw never seemed to really approve of his son-in-law, and every time it seemed like he might be brought around, Dad would do something, voice some opinion, that would draw his hackles back up. Now, I and my dad do not always get along. We disagree on some pretty fundamental things about 50% of the time. But he's MY dad. And even if I don't agree with him, I can see his point(s) or at least understand how he arrived at his point(s). And I can talk to him, most of the time. My parents, both of them, encouraged discussion as opposed to autocratic obedience.
Every time Papaw would criticize my father, even subtly, it would lower him in my eyes. By the time he died, I loved him dearly and had many fond memories of him from my childhood, but I didn't feel like I could discuss anything with him. I loved him as a grandparent, but I really don't know if I would have liked him as a person if he hadn't been my grandparent. I mourned the childhood memories and the relationship we might have had.
But my Mamaw. I've gone to visit her in the spring every year for the last several years. Just me. No mom, dad, brother to distract. She was proud of me. She though that I was so smart. She liked to show me off to everyone she knew; telling them all about my "learning computers and math". She also liked to tell stories about my "smartness" as a little kid. I think if I heard the story about me as a two year old memorizing my favorite Curious George book and "reading" it to myself in her car once, I heard it a thousand times.
She was so willing to adapt to new things. She held dear to herself the things she thought were important, but she wasn't afraid to try new things. She was thrilled when I got her a new (to her) computer. She wrote books, basically her memoirs, and self-published them. She played computer games like it was a personal affront that she hadn't beaten them yet. She wanted the internet at her house, but thought dialup was too slow and called every two months to see if DSL or Cable had made it out to her house yet. She decided that having a house phone was stupid since she carried her cell with her all the time. She bought herself a portable DVD player and used it in her bedroom. She was a woman of the times in her own way.
She was generous with her time and money. She donated money even while being on a limited income to her church. They tried to get her to not donate, telling her that she needed that money, but she told her pastor that she wasn't going to let blessings pass her by and that God would take care of her. And God did, even if it was through the agency of her daughter (my mom) and her son (my uncle).
She prayed every day. She told me and my mom at separate times in the last few months that she felt closer to God than she'd ever felt in her life. That she'd forgiven people and forgiven herself. That she'd finally grieved for her husband and daughter (my deceased aunt).
She was also worried. She was starting to forget things. Just small things. She also got into some financial difficulties. Just small ones, but when you subside on social security even $20 is not actually a small thing. Mom was starting to look into maybe thinking about moving her up by us. She would have hated it. Mamaw has lived in Arkansas for most of her life. She knew people. If she didn't know you, she'd know someone you were related to, or someone you should know if you lived in such-and-such place, or she'd know someone that was related to someone with the same last name as yours. Are you sure you aren't related to them? You do have that look about you.
She knew how to get around. She'd been driving those roads for decades. She knew the politics, the issues, how to make small talk. She didn't like the cold either and we have a lot of that here in Wisconsin.
I don't know if I can articulate all the things she's passed down, either directly or through my mom. I do know this. I will miss her. I knew her as a person and I am thankful I got that opportunity.