What should I bring for tomorrow?
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Why am I so afraid of facing the future? The first thing that enters into my mind is the fear that I might not be able to feel the "present". All my life, I've been living in the past, that I was not able to enjoy what the present gives me. If I focus more on the future, I tend to forget the realities that the present teaches me. I often forget what's left because I get to excited to face the future. What happens is I lose the feeling of accepting the future because I had unfinished businesses in the past. If I'll pick the past, my reason is because the past defines me. It will always be a foundation of who I am and who I was. If not for the past, I won't be able to feel all those moments that I had. I do not have enough guts to build a fortress with just have one brick. I'm afraid that it will be impossible to start again.
I just can't focus on two things, just one. Yet, I still do not want to lose the other one. I just can't let go of the past, and so as the present. Maybe, just maybe, I'm still living in the past. Am I? I do not know where I am right now: am I a person who still lives in his past, or just someone attached to the happenings of the present--making me forget the future. One thing's for sure, I am NOT yet ready to face the future. Should I bring the past to my future or the things that I have in the present? Both have immeasurable importance to me, I do not know what to choose between the two. Eventually, if I do not pick one, I'll be losing both. If I choose one, I'll just think of the other one. Neither satisfies me. If I bring the past beside me in the future, I'll be locked with options hence that it happened already, I won't even change it, ameliorate it, or destroy parts of it. If I choose the present, I'll be losing all of my investment in the past, I still have to start from scratch. I do not know if I can build something good if I start this late. Even so, I still do not know if I could rebuild it again--the way I wanted it to be, the way I wanted it to reflect ME. If I succeed, I'll have no regrets. If otherwise, I just lost one BIG part of me, nevertheless I just lost myself.
I do not want to lose anything, but any of my choices will lead to losing. Why can't I have the best of both worlds? Why can't fate grant me the things that I wanted. Never in my whole life that I've been longing for these things, and now I am ought to lose them in anyway.
As for the moment, I do not have any decision yet. I'll trust my wishful thinking of not losing both this time. I'll just wait and weigh these things carefully. Later, tomorrow, the next day, the day after tomorrow, or even next week? I do not know when will I have THE choice. I'll prepare myself that either choices would not affect me anymore; not having any choice wouldn't affect me neither. I have to stay firm that in whatever fate will bring, I just have to put my heart in it--no regrets, no frustrations, no turning back.
Whether I've chosen or not, I still have to face the future. These changes are inevitable. I have to face whatever fate will bring me. I just can't pick one..I simply can't. I have to trust what God wants me to have. To have both, to have one, or to have none, I have to trust HIM. I just want to have strength that whichever path I take, I'll face it with courage to fill up all my fears of losing. I'll accept and embrace it whole-heartedly.