everything I know.
There are days
where I don't like myself.
I wrote this in January 2006.
So, my grandfather died.
That's the last of my relatives whom I actively like, rather than tolerated or was vaguely fond of. (You're not supposed to end a sentence with a prepostion. Of whom I was vaguely fond?)
I don't know. I was expecting this, but not now, and I really was expecting warning.
I'm so tired of funerals. I'm so tired of losing people that I didn't know well enough and that I actually liked.
I'm so tired of losing people. Everyone I like. Really.
I'm starting to think it must be me, but that is crazy person thinking.
Then again, maybe I am some sort of crazy person jinx.
This sucks. It sounds so superficial, but it's such an accurate phrase.
When my mom told me, my guy reaction was to say something like, "Well, fuck." or "Oh, shit."
I didn't. I said, "Not good."
He was so proud of me when I said I wanted to go to Columbia. He remembered that it was an Ivy League, and he was so proud of me.
I'll never get that anywhere else. That kind of pride. The rest of my extended family either doesn't understand or doesn't love me enough to care.
This is quite a shame.
He got a purple heart in WWII. I was proud of him for that. I really hope he knows that.
We put so much thought and emphasis into structure. Words. Sentences. Frames. Photographs.
I wonder who's next. I don't have much left to lose.
But then, I say that, and I already know I'm wrong.
I'm at my great aunt's. She has a nice computer.
I miss my laptop.
I feel so bad about not being at school, like I let a bunch of people down.
It really couldn't be helped I suppose.
I sang at the funeral. I learned the Marine hymn on the way to the hotel and I sang it at the mass. It was all my grandfather wanted, and someone had to get it done. God knows, my family is bad with the planning. They tried to make a cd of it to play, but it didn't work. I guess if I hadn't been there, they wouldn't have had it at all.
Idiots.
I shouldn't be so harsh. They're related to me.
Que pena...What a shame.
I was proud of my grandfather. The rest of them haven't really done anything for me to be proud of. I found out today that my grandmother didn't go to college because she'd rather have kept getting a paycheck. I've have lost respect for her over that if there'd been any left to lose.
They tried to make me lead in the rosary I said flat out that I didn't know it. I was rather disappointed when they hid the shock so well.
My aunt and my grandmother are so pushy, but they're unintelligent and narrow-minded.
At least when I think I'm better than someone else, I don't show it until they confirm my beliefs.
It's like religion and politics. I'll keep my mouth shut until you ask my opinion. Then you're getting it and god help you if it wasn't what you wanted to hear.
I don't know how this turned into a rant. Lot of stress and a long day. I would rather have been at school, but I'm grateful for the oppourtunity to do right by my grandfather, even if I don't really know if everyone else did.
People kept thanking me for singing after the funeral. They don't seem to realize, I didn't do it for them.
I'm still that girl. Somewhere.
I just put myself in a position where I didn't need to have that strength.
And now I can't get down.
I hit rock bottom after that, and then I dug until I made something big enough to climb out of.
Then, I started climbing. Now I'm stuck on a ledge.
But don't you dare get me wrong. My life is better than it's ever been. I'm 110 pounds, a theatre major in California, I have my own apartment, and I get to keep my cat.
I've just made peace with the fact that I'm somehow always going to feel like I'm failing, in some way.
where I don't like myself.
I wrote this in January 2006.
So, my grandfather died.
That's the last of my relatives whom I actively like, rather than tolerated or was vaguely fond of. (You're not supposed to end a sentence with a prepostion. Of whom I was vaguely fond?)
I don't know. I was expecting this, but not now, and I really was expecting warning.
I'm so tired of funerals. I'm so tired of losing people that I didn't know well enough and that I actually liked.
I'm so tired of losing people. Everyone I like. Really.
I'm starting to think it must be me, but that is crazy person thinking.
Then again, maybe I am some sort of crazy person jinx.
This sucks. It sounds so superficial, but it's such an accurate phrase.
When my mom told me, my guy reaction was to say something like, "Well, fuck." or "Oh, shit."
I didn't. I said, "Not good."
He was so proud of me when I said I wanted to go to Columbia. He remembered that it was an Ivy League, and he was so proud of me.
I'll never get that anywhere else. That kind of pride. The rest of my extended family either doesn't understand or doesn't love me enough to care.
This is quite a shame.
He got a purple heart in WWII. I was proud of him for that. I really hope he knows that.
We put so much thought and emphasis into structure. Words. Sentences. Frames. Photographs.
I wonder who's next. I don't have much left to lose.
But then, I say that, and I already know I'm wrong.
I'm at my great aunt's. She has a nice computer.
I miss my laptop.
I feel so bad about not being at school, like I let a bunch of people down.
It really couldn't be helped I suppose.
I sang at the funeral. I learned the Marine hymn on the way to the hotel and I sang it at the mass. It was all my grandfather wanted, and someone had to get it done. God knows, my family is bad with the planning. They tried to make a cd of it to play, but it didn't work. I guess if I hadn't been there, they wouldn't have had it at all.
Idiots.
I shouldn't be so harsh. They're related to me.
Que pena...What a shame.
I was proud of my grandfather. The rest of them haven't really done anything for me to be proud of. I found out today that my grandmother didn't go to college because she'd rather have kept getting a paycheck. I've have lost respect for her over that if there'd been any left to lose.
They tried to make me lead in the rosary I said flat out that I didn't know it. I was rather disappointed when they hid the shock so well.
My aunt and my grandmother are so pushy, but they're unintelligent and narrow-minded.
At least when I think I'm better than someone else, I don't show it until they confirm my beliefs.
It's like religion and politics. I'll keep my mouth shut until you ask my opinion. Then you're getting it and god help you if it wasn't what you wanted to hear.
I don't know how this turned into a rant. Lot of stress and a long day. I would rather have been at school, but I'm grateful for the oppourtunity to do right by my grandfather, even if I don't really know if everyone else did.
People kept thanking me for singing after the funeral. They don't seem to realize, I didn't do it for them.
I'm still that girl. Somewhere.
I just put myself in a position where I didn't need to have that strength.
And now I can't get down.
I hit rock bottom after that, and then I dug until I made something big enough to climb out of.
Then, I started climbing. Now I'm stuck on a ledge.
But don't you dare get me wrong. My life is better than it's ever been. I'm 110 pounds, a theatre major in California, I have my own apartment, and I get to keep my cat.
I've just made peace with the fact that I'm somehow always going to feel like I'm failing, in some way.