SPN Ficlet: Conversations - Coping with the Weird
Title:Conversations - Coping with the Weird
Characters: Sam, Dean
Classification: Conversation, gen, ficlet, CRACKY, humour
Rating: PG13? K+? Nothing that couldn't have been televised.
Warnings: None. Surreality.
Word Count: 1642 words
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em.
A/N: This is bordering on crack, and seriously considering emigrating. I'm declaring this conversation to be happening in a dream, making it all metaphorical and meaningful. Yeah, sure. Really though, it's complete nonsense. But possibly funny. Anyway, hope it's at least somewhat entertaining... Please let me know what you think!
Originally posted September 24, 2006 at fanfiction.net
Conversations
by CaffieneKitty
Coping with the Weird
-
Timeframe:
This conversation is taking place in a non-prophetic dream one of them is having at some point in time after the episode "Nightmare". Whose dream it is, I leave as an exercise for the readers...
-
"Sam, we've already been in this room, right? Sam?"
"Yeff?"
"Where'd you go? And what the hell are you eating?"
"Cheese."
"We're in the middle of a hunt and you stop to eat?"
"I was hungry."
"You're always hungry. Of all things to bring along on a hunt, why cheese? Did you think the place was haunted by giant undead mice?"
"I didn't bring the cheese with me."
"...You just said you were eating cheese, if you didn't bring it with you... Where did you get the cheese, Sam?"
"I found it, in the kitchen."
"You what?"
"Well, I think it was the kitchen. There were knives."
"Sam..."
"It was good cheese."
"You stopped in the middle of a haunted house to eat cheese you found lying around? Please tell me you're joking."
"Well, no. It looked fine, I was hungry, so I ate the cheese."
"..."
"You can stop pointing the flashlight in my eyes anytime, Dean."
"No, I'm going to keep pointing it at you until it starts shining out your ears, because you've obviously lost your friggin' mind! You did the research, Sam, you know no one's lived in this house for years. There's no power to the building, no refrigeration, and there's just... cheese, sitting there, so you eat it?"
"It just... looked like really good cheese."
"And that didn't seem weird at all to you?"
"Actually, no. It didn't... I guess that is kind of weird. I mean weird that it didn't seem weird."
"Did your brain finally suffocate under all that hair?"
"Bite me."
"Better you than that cheese. It was probably evil cheese."
"I've never heard of evil cheese."
"Yeah and I've never heard of my little brother stopping in the middle of a friggin' job to eat stuff he found lying around a haunted house!"
"Theoretically haunted."
"Whatever. I thought you gave up sticking random objects in your mouth when you finished teething. Let's keep moving. We've already been in this room, haven't we?"
"Hm. No, no mark on the door."
"You sure? I know we've been in this room before. Between nibbles, Mickey, I hope you remembered to keep marking doors we've gone through."
"There was a room that was a lot like this, but it had that case of baseball trophies. And the square-dance music."
"Oh... right, yeah. I was trying to block that part out of my memory."
"I wouldn't forget to mark the door, Dean."
"You forgot not to eat things you find in a haunted house, who knows what else you might have forgot."
"You know the place probably isn't haunted or every ghost in here would be on us with all the racket you're making about the cheese. Maybe we should make more noise, something might show us where the way out is."
"I know where the way out is, Sam."
"Yeah? So we've been wandering around for the past several hours for, what? Fun?"
"I swear something keeps moving the doors around- Stop changing the subject. I can't believe you stopped in the middle of a job to eat cheese. Not even cheese you brought with you, completely unknown cheese."
"There's nothing wrong with eating cheese, Dean, lots of normal people all over the world eat cheese every day."
"Not cheese they find while they're wandering around in a creepy abandoned house!"
"The rest of the world isn't wandering around in a creepy abandoned house, just us."
"Us and whatever's keeping us in here, which is probably where the cheese came from. Definitely evil cheese. You should puke."
"What?"
"If it's not evil, then it's toxic, poisoned or something. Throw up. Right now. Get it out of your system."
"...Can't, sorry. I feel fine, you're over-reacting. It's just cheese. And you don't know if it was bad or not, you didn't have any."
"You didn't give me a chance to have any."
"Would you have eaten it if I had?"
"Of course not! I know enough not to stop in the middle of a job to eat cheese! A randomly occuring dairy product just sitting around in the middle of an abandoned house. Poisoned, toxic, evil freaky cheese."
"Didn't taste bad. It was really nice cheese, actually. I like cheese."
"...You aren't possessed by that cartoon guy with the cheese fetish and the bunny-sucking machine, are you?"
"What?"
"It was on TV a couple hotels back. The were-rabbit guy."
"Wallace? Does that make you Gromit?"
"Shut up. Never mind."
"Seriously, Dean, you're over-reacting. It was just cheese."
"I swear, Sam, if you get botulism or something from eating frigging cheese you found on a hunt I am so gonna kick your ass into next week. The second you feel sick or woozy or anything, you let me know. Keep trying to puke."
"Will you get off it?"
"No! We've been doing this crap our whole lives, I can't believe- Never mind, just follow me and try not to eat anything else you find. Which way?"
"Left."
"You sure? I thought we just came that way."
"We came from the right, the room with the fountains."
"Yeah, okay, left it is."
"... uh, Dean?"
"What, did you find some evil crackers to go with your evil cheese?"
"I feel kinda funny."
"Of course you feel funny, you ate the cheese. Are you having double vision? Trouble breathing?"
"No. I mean really funny. Like my skin's not... right."
"Whadda ya mean your skin's not right?"
"Like it's too tight, and flaky."
"...You're trying to drive me crazy aren't you."
"No, my skin really feels weird."
"This is all payback for... something. You're jerking my chain, in the middle of a job, for some kind of extended, complex practical joke."
"No, I'm not."
"Well if you aren't, then why in hell are you choosing now to complain about your frigging skin problems?"
"Uh, Dean?"
"You use some kinda aloe-vera and wheatgerm skin cream crap anyway, don't you?"
"Dean?"
"What?"
"Uh. I think I have scales."
"...Sam-"
"No, really. Look. It's kind of hard to see in the dark, but... just shine the flashlight over here a second."
"...I'll be damned. Scales. Hunh."
"Hunh? That's it? I have scales, Dean!"
"At least it's not botulism. Scales. Evil cheese'll do that to you, I guess."
"You think this is from the cheese?"
"Probably. You sure you still can't puke it up?"
"I tried. You watched."
"I don't have scales, and I didn't eat the cheese, you have scales, you ate the cheese. Effect, cause."
"Why would cheese give me scales?"
"Beats all hell out of me. Keep going. Right or left now?"
"Uh. Right."
"Where did you find a kitchen anyway, I never saw a kitchen."
"It was off the last room."
"You need to stop wandering off on your own, Sam. Whoever's keeping us trapped in here would probably love a chance to keep us apart."
"But it didn't... Now this is definitely a room we haven't been in before."
"Yeah. That's kind of disturbing."
"Which, the butterflies pinned to all the walls, or the massive display shelf of ceramic puppies?"
"The butterflies. I totally missed the puppies. Mark the door and let's keep going. Maybe if we're fast enough the doors won't have time to-"
"Uh... Dean?"
"What now?"
"Wook ap mai pung."
"Dude, don't stick your tounge out at me. What are you, five?"
"No, really, look at it."
"... That's... gross."
"The tip's splitting in two, isn't it?"
"Lemee see again."
"Ah pink ahm purming impoo a wivurb."
"What?"
"I said I think I'm turning into a lizard."
"...What?"
"Scales, the tongue, and I'm feeling kind of lizardy..."
"What the- How the hell would you know what lizards feel like?"
"I can't explain it, really. Like I want to curl up on a hot rock and eat bugs."
"...You're not going to start eating bugs now are you?"
"No. But you can see the scales and the tongue, right?
"Yeah... What was in that cheese, LSD?"
"Hallucinogenic cheese that I ate wouldn't make you see things. Or maybe you actually ate the cheese, and you're hallucinating that I ate the cheese and am turning into a lizard."
"...Don't screw with my head, Sam. And for God's sake, stop grinning. The ends of your tongue are sticking out."
"Ssorry."
"We've gotta find whatever's screwing around with us and take it out. You take point."
"Why?"
"Because I want to keep an eye on you in case anything else weird happens to you. And so I can stop you if you decide to go munching on other mystery food items you find."
"It doesn't make any sense, Dean. If I was going to turn into anything, it should be a cow, not a lizard. Cheese doesn't come from lizards."
"Maybe that cheese did."
"How? Lizards don't give milk."
"Maybe it's made of some kind of lizard secretions, then."
"Eugh."
"Sure you still can't puke?"
"Ugh. No. I wish. Hey, watch where you're walking!"
"What? Did you see something? Or did you puke?"
"No, you just sstepped on my... uhhh..."
"What, Sam?"
"...Uh. My tail."
"...You have got to be kidding me. Turn around... You do not have a tail, dumbass."
"But I had the distinct feeling that-"
"How the hell would you know what having your tail stepped on feels like, Sam? You've never had a tail to get stepped on!"
"It felt like you sstepped on my tail. That'ss all I know."
"...say that again."
"Ssay what?"
"Ha! You're hissing!"
"I am not hissss- Oh, great. It'ss thiss sstupid tongue, it- Are you laughing at me?"
"No, no, of course not, Sam."
"Why is this not bugging you? I have scales, a ssspli- split tongue, and a hallucinatory tail!"
"...I'm kinda relieved actually. If the worst this is going to do is make you turn into a lizard, then it's not that bad."
"Not that bad! What part of me turning into a lizard is 'not that bad'?"
"You're not sick, or poisoned, and you're still the same person."
"But I'm not! I'm turning into a lizard!
"Pft. You're just a little different. A bit weirder than usual, but you're still you. It could be a lot worse."
"Sso, what do we do?"
"We find who or whatever is running this place and stop 'em, and you'll probably go back to the way you were."
"Probably?"
"Yeah, probably. It's gotta be a spell of some kind, right? Same as the house that never ends."
"And what if it doessn't work, Dean? What if I'm a lizard the resst of my life?"
"Then we get you a rock, a sunlamp and turn the back seat of the Impala into a big-ass terrarium."
"Hey! That'ss not funny!"
"You ate the evil cheese, Sammy. You gotta expect consequences."
- - -
(...and then he woke up, the end, heh. I did warn you at the start it was a dream.)
Conversations Index
Characters: Sam, Dean
Classification: Conversation, gen, ficlet, CRACKY, humour
Rating: PG13? K+? Nothing that couldn't have been televised.
Warnings: None. Surreality.
Word Count: 1642 words
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em.
A/N: This is bordering on crack, and seriously considering emigrating. I'm declaring this conversation to be happening in a dream, making it all metaphorical and meaningful. Yeah, sure. Really though, it's complete nonsense. But possibly funny. Anyway, hope it's at least somewhat entertaining... Please let me know what you think!
Originally posted September 24, 2006 at fanfiction.net
Conversations
by CaffieneKitty
Coping with the Weird
-
Timeframe:
This conversation is taking place in a non-prophetic dream one of them is having at some point in time after the episode "Nightmare". Whose dream it is, I leave as an exercise for the readers...
-
"Sam, we've already been in this room, right? Sam?"
"Yeff?"
"Where'd you go? And what the hell are you eating?"
"Cheese."
"We're in the middle of a hunt and you stop to eat?"
"I was hungry."
"You're always hungry. Of all things to bring along on a hunt, why cheese? Did you think the place was haunted by giant undead mice?"
"I didn't bring the cheese with me."
"...You just said you were eating cheese, if you didn't bring it with you... Where did you get the cheese, Sam?"
"I found it, in the kitchen."
"You what?"
"Well, I think it was the kitchen. There were knives."
"Sam..."
"It was good cheese."
"You stopped in the middle of a haunted house to eat cheese you found lying around? Please tell me you're joking."
"Well, no. It looked fine, I was hungry, so I ate the cheese."
"..."
"You can stop pointing the flashlight in my eyes anytime, Dean."
"No, I'm going to keep pointing it at you until it starts shining out your ears, because you've obviously lost your friggin' mind! You did the research, Sam, you know no one's lived in this house for years. There's no power to the building, no refrigeration, and there's just... cheese, sitting there, so you eat it?"
"It just... looked like really good cheese."
"And that didn't seem weird at all to you?"
"Actually, no. It didn't... I guess that is kind of weird. I mean weird that it didn't seem weird."
"Did your brain finally suffocate under all that hair?"
"Bite me."
"Better you than that cheese. It was probably evil cheese."
"I've never heard of evil cheese."
"Yeah and I've never heard of my little brother stopping in the middle of a friggin' job to eat stuff he found lying around a haunted house!"
"Theoretically haunted."
"Whatever. I thought you gave up sticking random objects in your mouth when you finished teething. Let's keep moving. We've already been in this room, haven't we?"
"Hm. No, no mark on the door."
"You sure? I know we've been in this room before. Between nibbles, Mickey, I hope you remembered to keep marking doors we've gone through."
"There was a room that was a lot like this, but it had that case of baseball trophies. And the square-dance music."
"Oh... right, yeah. I was trying to block that part out of my memory."
"I wouldn't forget to mark the door, Dean."
"You forgot not to eat things you find in a haunted house, who knows what else you might have forgot."
"You know the place probably isn't haunted or every ghost in here would be on us with all the racket you're making about the cheese. Maybe we should make more noise, something might show us where the way out is."
"I know where the way out is, Sam."
"Yeah? So we've been wandering around for the past several hours for, what? Fun?"
"I swear something keeps moving the doors around- Stop changing the subject. I can't believe you stopped in the middle of a job to eat cheese. Not even cheese you brought with you, completely unknown cheese."
"There's nothing wrong with eating cheese, Dean, lots of normal people all over the world eat cheese every day."
"Not cheese they find while they're wandering around in a creepy abandoned house!"
"The rest of the world isn't wandering around in a creepy abandoned house, just us."
"Us and whatever's keeping us in here, which is probably where the cheese came from. Definitely evil cheese. You should puke."
"What?"
"If it's not evil, then it's toxic, poisoned or something. Throw up. Right now. Get it out of your system."
"...Can't, sorry. I feel fine, you're over-reacting. It's just cheese. And you don't know if it was bad or not, you didn't have any."
"You didn't give me a chance to have any."
"Would you have eaten it if I had?"
"Of course not! I know enough not to stop in the middle of a job to eat cheese! A randomly occuring dairy product just sitting around in the middle of an abandoned house. Poisoned, toxic, evil freaky cheese."
"Didn't taste bad. It was really nice cheese, actually. I like cheese."
"...You aren't possessed by that cartoon guy with the cheese fetish and the bunny-sucking machine, are you?"
"What?"
"It was on TV a couple hotels back. The were-rabbit guy."
"Wallace? Does that make you Gromit?"
"Shut up. Never mind."
"Seriously, Dean, you're over-reacting. It was just cheese."
"I swear, Sam, if you get botulism or something from eating frigging cheese you found on a hunt I am so gonna kick your ass into next week. The second you feel sick or woozy or anything, you let me know. Keep trying to puke."
"Will you get off it?"
"No! We've been doing this crap our whole lives, I can't believe- Never mind, just follow me and try not to eat anything else you find. Which way?"
"Left."
"You sure? I thought we just came that way."
"We came from the right, the room with the fountains."
"Yeah, okay, left it is."
"... uh, Dean?"
"What, did you find some evil crackers to go with your evil cheese?"
"I feel kinda funny."
"Of course you feel funny, you ate the cheese. Are you having double vision? Trouble breathing?"
"No. I mean really funny. Like my skin's not... right."
"Whadda ya mean your skin's not right?"
"Like it's too tight, and flaky."
"...You're trying to drive me crazy aren't you."
"No, my skin really feels weird."
"This is all payback for... something. You're jerking my chain, in the middle of a job, for some kind of extended, complex practical joke."
"No, I'm not."
"Well if you aren't, then why in hell are you choosing now to complain about your frigging skin problems?"
"Uh, Dean?"
"You use some kinda aloe-vera and wheatgerm skin cream crap anyway, don't you?"
"Dean?"
"What?"
"Uh. I think I have scales."
"...Sam-"
"No, really. Look. It's kind of hard to see in the dark, but... just shine the flashlight over here a second."
"...I'll be damned. Scales. Hunh."
"Hunh? That's it? I have scales, Dean!"
"At least it's not botulism. Scales. Evil cheese'll do that to you, I guess."
"You think this is from the cheese?"
"Probably. You sure you still can't puke it up?"
"I tried. You watched."
"I don't have scales, and I didn't eat the cheese, you have scales, you ate the cheese. Effect, cause."
"Why would cheese give me scales?"
"Beats all hell out of me. Keep going. Right or left now?"
"Uh. Right."
"Where did you find a kitchen anyway, I never saw a kitchen."
"It was off the last room."
"You need to stop wandering off on your own, Sam. Whoever's keeping us trapped in here would probably love a chance to keep us apart."
"But it didn't... Now this is definitely a room we haven't been in before."
"Yeah. That's kind of disturbing."
"Which, the butterflies pinned to all the walls, or the massive display shelf of ceramic puppies?"
"The butterflies. I totally missed the puppies. Mark the door and let's keep going. Maybe if we're fast enough the doors won't have time to-"
"Uh... Dean?"
"What now?"
"Wook ap mai pung."
"Dude, don't stick your tounge out at me. What are you, five?"
"No, really, look at it."
"... That's... gross."
"The tip's splitting in two, isn't it?"
"Lemee see again."
"Ah pink ahm purming impoo a wivurb."
"What?"
"I said I think I'm turning into a lizard."
"...What?"
"Scales, the tongue, and I'm feeling kind of lizardy..."
"What the- How the hell would you know what lizards feel like?"
"I can't explain it, really. Like I want to curl up on a hot rock and eat bugs."
"...You're not going to start eating bugs now are you?"
"No. But you can see the scales and the tongue, right?
"Yeah... What was in that cheese, LSD?"
"Hallucinogenic cheese that I ate wouldn't make you see things. Or maybe you actually ate the cheese, and you're hallucinating that I ate the cheese and am turning into a lizard."
"...Don't screw with my head, Sam. And for God's sake, stop grinning. The ends of your tongue are sticking out."
"Ssorry."
"We've gotta find whatever's screwing around with us and take it out. You take point."
"Why?"
"Because I want to keep an eye on you in case anything else weird happens to you. And so I can stop you if you decide to go munching on other mystery food items you find."
"It doesn't make any sense, Dean. If I was going to turn into anything, it should be a cow, not a lizard. Cheese doesn't come from lizards."
"Maybe that cheese did."
"How? Lizards don't give milk."
"Maybe it's made of some kind of lizard secretions, then."
"Eugh."
"Sure you still can't puke?"
"Ugh. No. I wish. Hey, watch where you're walking!"
"What? Did you see something? Or did you puke?"
"No, you just sstepped on my... uhhh..."
"What, Sam?"
"...Uh. My tail."
"...You have got to be kidding me. Turn around... You do not have a tail, dumbass."
"But I had the distinct feeling that-"
"How the hell would you know what having your tail stepped on feels like, Sam? You've never had a tail to get stepped on!"
"It felt like you sstepped on my tail. That'ss all I know."
"...say that again."
"Ssay what?"
"Ha! You're hissing!"
"I am not hissss- Oh, great. It'ss thiss sstupid tongue, it- Are you laughing at me?"
"No, no, of course not, Sam."
"Why is this not bugging you? I have scales, a ssspli- split tongue, and a hallucinatory tail!"
"...I'm kinda relieved actually. If the worst this is going to do is make you turn into a lizard, then it's not that bad."
"Not that bad! What part of me turning into a lizard is 'not that bad'?"
"You're not sick, or poisoned, and you're still the same person."
"But I'm not! I'm turning into a lizard!
"Pft. You're just a little different. A bit weirder than usual, but you're still you. It could be a lot worse."
"Sso, what do we do?"
"We find who or whatever is running this place and stop 'em, and you'll probably go back to the way you were."
"Probably?"
"Yeah, probably. It's gotta be a spell of some kind, right? Same as the house that never ends."
"And what if it doessn't work, Dean? What if I'm a lizard the resst of my life?"
"Then we get you a rock, a sunlamp and turn the back seat of the Impala into a big-ass terrarium."
"Hey! That'ss not funny!"
"You ate the evil cheese, Sammy. You gotta expect consequences."
- - -
(...and then he woke up, the end, heh. I did warn you at the start it was a dream.)
Conversations Index