(no subject)
I am a complicated person. I do things that are contrary. Difficult. Messed up. Hypocritical. Amazing. Brilliant. Self-delusional. Fucked.
Understand something about me though:
I am an idealist. I expect the best out of the world, out of other people. This is not because I believe I deserve the best. I expect that people can function at the peak of who they are-- tiny Gods wrapped in human skins. When they fail me in this belief at crucial junctures-- it's not just a tiny mistake in human nature. It's the first stone crumbling. It's a breakdown in the temple I've built, the filing system of stones and adoration in between synapses, for them in my mind. They've made themselves lesser and I have built a religion in making them so much more. As the idealist, I've made myself into the priestess of this natural disaster. We build, we help, we urge, we preach, and we never quite become.
It's human nature to fuck up. Yes. My gods are perhaps more Roman in nature with their Jealousies, their Lusts, and their Petty Squabbles. I often find beauty in the most fucked up things. In fact, I forgive the most fucked up things. However, I do surround myself with beautiful things. Perhaps beautifully fucked up, but that's a different story. I surround myself with incredible people. I surround myself with complexity and idealism. I practically drown in how incredible someone is on a frequent basis.
However, there is nothing worse than an jaded idealist. If you hurt me, my cruelty knows no bounds. It's not a nice trait, but I'm not ashamed of it anymore. If you betray me, those ideals built on our consensual reality, I become furious. Why do I hold onto it so long? Referencing the above-- because I spent a long time finding every incredible thing about you, reveling in your divinity, and you just struck me down for doing so. I recognized you in the one thing I can never be. You failed to recognize me in the only thing I can do.
Perhaps it's wrong. I've thought over and come to that conclusion a few dozens times myself. However, it is who I am and I'm at a point where I'm not interested in changing it. Other parts of my personality have been sacrificed for others, so this is a piece I keep. Wrong or right, relative terms, it's part of who I am: a tiny world building, and often toppling, idealist.
Understand something about me though:
I am an idealist. I expect the best out of the world, out of other people. This is not because I believe I deserve the best. I expect that people can function at the peak of who they are-- tiny Gods wrapped in human skins. When they fail me in this belief at crucial junctures-- it's not just a tiny mistake in human nature. It's the first stone crumbling. It's a breakdown in the temple I've built, the filing system of stones and adoration in between synapses, for them in my mind. They've made themselves lesser and I have built a religion in making them so much more. As the idealist, I've made myself into the priestess of this natural disaster. We build, we help, we urge, we preach, and we never quite become.
It's human nature to fuck up. Yes. My gods are perhaps more Roman in nature with their Jealousies, their Lusts, and their Petty Squabbles. I often find beauty in the most fucked up things. In fact, I forgive the most fucked up things. However, I do surround myself with beautiful things. Perhaps beautifully fucked up, but that's a different story. I surround myself with incredible people. I surround myself with complexity and idealism. I practically drown in how incredible someone is on a frequent basis.
However, there is nothing worse than an jaded idealist. If you hurt me, my cruelty knows no bounds. It's not a nice trait, but I'm not ashamed of it anymore. If you betray me, those ideals built on our consensual reality, I become furious. Why do I hold onto it so long? Referencing the above-- because I spent a long time finding every incredible thing about you, reveling in your divinity, and you just struck me down for doing so. I recognized you in the one thing I can never be. You failed to recognize me in the only thing I can do.
Perhaps it's wrong. I've thought over and come to that conclusion a few dozens times myself. However, it is who I am and I'm at a point where I'm not interested in changing it. Other parts of my personality have been sacrificed for others, so this is a piece I keep. Wrong or right, relative terms, it's part of who I am: a tiny world building, and often toppling, idealist.