LOLHSC

[caimekazie]

The doors opened at six. The line began to crawl its way inside the venue, as people paid to do so checked tickets and inspected bags for anything illicit. I’d come to this concert by myself, a silly idea by any reckoning; it just was not done. I hadn’t really listened to the band, either, but tickets were cheap and my friend said they were good so

Comments

[bubblefire]

i think it would work wonderful for belonging!!

its very descriptive as well! which is what they really want!

[silverharmony]

Glad to see from your sms that you wanted concrit, but as I'd mentioned, every author's work is personal so this is just what I see as a fellow amateur writer and hopefully you don't take anything to offence.

When I read this I feel like it's a concept with potential but there are a few things that could be improved upon. I'm sure you've heard of "show, don't tell"? One of the main things that sticks out about this text is that I feel like you're doing a fair bit of telling (this happens, and after that, this happens, and after that, this happens). I'm mostly getting what's happening and very little of what your character's feeling; the only time I sort of understand the personal connection is "All I knew was the music, the video and the people surrounding me, in our private world." Apart from that, I'm actually getting not much of Belonging

[caimekazie]

Thank you so much!

I'll work on it now.

[silverharmony]

Good luck. Just be sure to use my examples as something to build from and not as free text, because then it wouldn't be your experience and your writing. It'd be good if you could try to find your own way of writing it.

[caimekazie]

Haha, don't worry, I'll use my own words.
Also, you're a really good writer. Thought I should mention that.

[breathless_ness]

Wow that was incredible to read!
Good luck refining it for your exam!

louis vuitton damier

[anonymous]

Yes, really. All above told the truth.