(no subject)
THIS is the sort of thing my father sends me:
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell s, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
(the song in it is a tango i love...)
> Last week I purch ased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's OK.
> In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
>Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
>young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
>seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
> He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
>large e piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
>he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
>the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the
>man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several
>tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being
>trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudl y, turned, and walked
>away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
> Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
>his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
>creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were
>standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot
>off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
>trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
> Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if
>this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over
>the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
>elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped
>its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the
>railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
>Disorder In The Court...
>
>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
>published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>_______________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>____________________________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok s.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, is n't it true that when a person dies in his
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
>attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Guess.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, h ow many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
>people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
>rephrase that?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>autopsy on him!
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
>________________________________________________
>--- And the best for last: ---
>
>AT TORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
>the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
>law.
>>>>
>>>> Smart man + smart woman = romance
>>>> Smart man + dumb woman = affair
>>>> Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
>>>> Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
>>>> ______________________________
>>>>
>>>> OFFICE ARITHMETIC
>>>>
>>>> Smart boss + smart employee = profit
>>>> Smart boss + dumb employee = production
>>>> Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
>>>> Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
>>>> _____________________________
>>>>
>>>> SHOPPING MATH
>>>>
>>>> A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
>>>> A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
>>>> _____________________________
>>>>
>>>> GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
>>>>
>>>> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>>>> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>>>> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
>>>>spend.
>>>> A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>>>> _____________________________
>>>>
>>>> HAPPINESS
>>>>
>>>> To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
>>>>a
>>>>little.
>>>> To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
>>>>understand her at all.
>>>> ______________________________
>>>>
>>>> LONGEVITY
>>>>
>>>> Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a
>>>>lot
>>>>more willing to die.
>>>> ______________________________
>>>>
>>>> PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
>>>>
>>>> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>>>> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
>>>>does.
>>>> _____________________________
>>>>
>>>> DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
>>>>
>>>> A woman has the last word in any argument.
>>>> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>>>> _____________________________
>>>>
>>>> HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
>>>> Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
>>>>and
>>>>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
> ;>>>the
>>>>same thing to them at funerals.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wage red his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is m y body." He did not say "eat me"
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's and not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell s, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
(the song in it is a tango i love...)
> Last week I purch ased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's OK.
> In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
>Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
>young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
>seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
> He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
>large e piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
>he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
>the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the
>man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several
>tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being
>trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudl y, turned, and walked
>away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
> Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
>his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
>creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were
>standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot
>off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
>trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
> Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if
>this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over
>the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
>elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped
>its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the
>railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
>Disorder In The Court...
>
>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
>published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>_______________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>____________________________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok s.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, is n't it true that when a person dies in his
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
>attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Guess.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, h ow many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
>people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
>rephrase that?
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>autopsy on him!
>________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
>________________________________________________
>--- And the best for last: ---
>
>AT TORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
>the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
>law.
>>>>
>>>> Smart man + smart woman = romance
>>>> Smart man + dumb woman = affair
>>>> Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
>>>> Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
>>>> ______________________________
>>>>
>>>> OFFICE ARITHMETIC
>>>>
>>>> Smart boss + smart employee = profit
>>>> Smart boss + dumb employee = production
>>>> Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
>>>> Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
>>>> _____________________________
>>>>
>>>> SHOPPING MATH
>>>>
>>>> A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
>>>> A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
>>>> _____________________________
>>>>
>>>> GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
>>>>
>>>> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>>>> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>>>> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
>>>>spend.
>>>> A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>>>> _____________________________
>>>>
>>>> HAPPINESS
>>>>
>>>> To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
>>>>a
>>>>little.
>>>> To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
>>>>understand her at all.
>>>> ______________________________
>>>>
>>>> LONGEVITY
>>>>
>>>> Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a
>>>>lot
>>>>more willing to die.
>>>> ______________________________
>>>>
>>>> PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
>>>>
>>>> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>>>> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
>>>>does.
>>>> _____________________________
>>>>
>>>> DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
>>>>
>>>> A woman has the last word in any argument.
>>>> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>>>> _____________________________
>>>>
>>>> HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
>>>> Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
>>>>and
>>>>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
> ;>>>the
>>>>same thing to them at funerals.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wage red his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is m y body." He did not say "eat me"
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's and not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.