Relationships
So, lately a bunch of friends have related to me their relationship woes. I am seeing a general trend. So I decided I'd post some information that pretty much applies to everyone, and hopefully people take from it what they need.
Section 1) I can't fix the other person for you, and neither can you.
The thing you have to focus on is what you have control over, mainly your own behavior. You can ask the other person to help build the relationship with you, but you must remember that people don't owe each other anything more than a basic level of respect. It doesn't matter if you've been going out for 2 months or 10 years; relationships are something you partake of out of choice. It is not a contract, or even a verbal agreement. Thus, you should only put in as much effort and resource as you are willing to, and must respect the level of effort and resources that the other person puts in as well. That is not to say that you should just accept whatever the other person gives you! Because you cannot fix the other person, if someone's level of effort and willingness to share their life with you is not to your liking, you must either come to a mutual agreement, or end the relationship. You will never be able to "train" another person to do things your way, and you shouldn't want to.
Section 2) Most problems can be fixed by you making subtle changes to your own behavior.
A lot of people think they should just "be themselves". While this is true to some extent, nobody is perfect. And realistically, if being yourself hasn't gotten you anywhere, then you should really rethink what it is about "you" that is holding you back.
The biggest thing that keeps men from truly committing to women is a subconscious sense that the woman is not a stable life partner. Basic animal instinct dictates that when you look for a life partner, you look for someone who is:
-Your Equal
-Reliable
-Supportive/Helpful to life goals
Those are paramount to commitment for men. 99% of them do not even know that those are the top 3 requirements for them, because it is an instinct. But if you can fulfill those things, then a mature man WILL give you his full commitment. If you don't, he won't share his life, time, resources, feelings, anything. He will have a vague sense that he can't trust you with those things, and so he will withhold them.
So how do you show that you are his equal, reliable, and that you support his life goals?
2.1) Never depend on him for approval. You CANNOT need him to tell you how much you are worth. You know how much you are worth already. You are not beautiful, smart, and successful, only when other people say you are! Your state of self should be more or less the same whether peoples' opinions of you are blatantly positive or not. If people don't say you are beautiful, that does not automatically mean you look ugly. The more you rely on his approval, the more your relationship becomes skewed towards him being a Crutch for your self-esteem rather than your Partner or Equal, and men can sense this very easily. Yes, it is nice to hear compliments sometimes, and a guy who NEVER says anything nice to you is an asshole. But a mature man will compliment you as much as he feels is appropriate, and honestly, if you tried dating a guy who complimented you every 5 minutes you would go crazy. Also, just because he doesn't SAY that you are beautiful, doesn't mean he doesn't THINK you are beautiful. If you just said, "Well if he thinks it, he should say it!", please re-read Section 1.
2.2) Maintain your own life trajectory. If you have certain things you want to achieve in your life, do not let him affect them unless he offers to. The door should be open for him to be apart of your achievements, but he must walk through that door himself, and until then, you must follow through with your own plans. This is extremely hard to do, because everyone wants to be accommodating, and people are often afraid that they will leave the other person "in the dust" if they don't wait around. However, if the guy is left in the dust just from you living your life the way you want to, he is not your equal and thus you should not let him drag you down. If a guy is your equal, he will naturally be able to keep up with you and your plans. Trust that your man can keep up with you. As such, he should also trust you to keep up with him, and you should follow through on that as well. Don't expect him to wait around on you, and don't wait around on him either. That said, the doors must be open, meaning you should tell each other about your plans so that the other person has the chance to be a part of it if they choose to. How can anyone "keep up" with a plan that they don't even know exists? Both people have to keep their doors open for sharing to occur.
2.3) Get control of your emotions. This goes both ways. A mature man should be able to control himself, meaning he won't get unnecessarily angry or sad, anxious, needy, etc. A mature woman should be the same way. A person who doesn't have control of their own emotions sets off big alarm bells that yell "DO NOT COMMIT TO THIS PERSON, BECAUSE THEY ARE UNRELIABLE". For example, if the slightest thing puts you into a bad mood? You are giving off "unreliable" vibes. Your partner has no idea if you will be happy or sad today, if you'll snap at them or give them a hug. This makes for a very stressful relationship, and men especially will refuse to spend their personal resources (time, effort, caring), on things that cause them a lot of unpredictable stress. People who have trouble controlling their emotions typically have problems with either Anger/Sadness, or Anxiety.
When this happens, STOP and think carefully about Why, and then ask yourself So What? The solution for Anger/Sadness is to answer So What? with an action that benefits everyone involved (create a win/win situation, even though you probably hate the other person right now), or walk away. Angry/Sad people need to convert those emotions into a feeling of well-being. The solution for Anxiety is to form a realistic plan of ACTION that you can carry out yourself, and realize that sometimes there is no perfect answer. Anxious people need to convert anxiety situations into confidence. Sometimes you will find that when you ask yourself Why/So What? you will realize that there isn't a very good reason for feeling the way you do. Sometimes just knowing that will dissipate your negative emotions, sometimes it will make you feel worse. Don't feel bad about it! Create confidence or well-being, and everybody wins.
2.4) Be supportive. This is the easiest one, because a person whose life goals you do not support, you should not be with. If their life trajectory is aiming to places you specifically do not want to go to, then you should move on because there is no happy future for you there. Being supportive to someone's life goals is more about having common life goals than anything else. You should both want more-or-less the same things in life. This sounds obvious, but a lot of people overlook it because by this point, they are really deep into a relationship already and don't want to have wasted their time. But you will waste even more time if you do not realize that not having common goals = unhappiness and stress. Most people our age don't have a solid plan for their future; that's fine. But everyone knows more or less whether they want to stay here or move, have kids or not, live in their parents' basement or become independent.
If your partner does not have life goals, dump them. It sounds harsh, but you do not have the time and energy to waste on someone who doesn't want to do anything with their life. Maybe in the future they will have goals. Until then, do not drain yourself of happiness and fulfillment by sticking with them! Likewise, do not waste your time on people whose life goals are completely incongruent with your own.
This sounds obvious, but if a woman does not truly believe in and support a man's life goals, he will automatically discount her as a life partner, and will never commit on a real level. However, as I said before, this is the easiest one. You will either support someone's goals or you won't. If you have misgivings about whether it is feasible, you should offer your advice, support, etc. But you must either choose to support the goal, or admit that you don't really believe in it.
Every person is looking for that someone who is perfectly capable of standing alone, but chooses to stand with us. That is what makes a person feel special in a relationship. Feeling special doesn't come from gifts, compliments, or even specific actions. It is that knowledge that the other person doesn't owe you anything, and does not stay by your side out of some sense of duty or guilt, inertia, or because they can't do better. That person has chosen you, only you, out of billions of people on Earth, and continually makes the purposeful decision to stay with you because you are perfect for him/her. And you, in turn, give that person the same feeling. That is how you have a good relationship.
Section 1) I can't fix the other person for you, and neither can you.
The thing you have to focus on is what you have control over, mainly your own behavior. You can ask the other person to help build the relationship with you, but you must remember that people don't owe each other anything more than a basic level of respect. It doesn't matter if you've been going out for 2 months or 10 years; relationships are something you partake of out of choice. It is not a contract, or even a verbal agreement. Thus, you should only put in as much effort and resource as you are willing to, and must respect the level of effort and resources that the other person puts in as well. That is not to say that you should just accept whatever the other person gives you! Because you cannot fix the other person, if someone's level of effort and willingness to share their life with you is not to your liking, you must either come to a mutual agreement, or end the relationship. You will never be able to "train" another person to do things your way, and you shouldn't want to.
Section 2) Most problems can be fixed by you making subtle changes to your own behavior.
A lot of people think they should just "be themselves". While this is true to some extent, nobody is perfect. And realistically, if being yourself hasn't gotten you anywhere, then you should really rethink what it is about "you" that is holding you back.
The biggest thing that keeps men from truly committing to women is a subconscious sense that the woman is not a stable life partner. Basic animal instinct dictates that when you look for a life partner, you look for someone who is:
-Your Equal
-Reliable
-Supportive/Helpful to life goals
Those are paramount to commitment for men. 99% of them do not even know that those are the top 3 requirements for them, because it is an instinct. But if you can fulfill those things, then a mature man WILL give you his full commitment. If you don't, he won't share his life, time, resources, feelings, anything. He will have a vague sense that he can't trust you with those things, and so he will withhold them.
So how do you show that you are his equal, reliable, and that you support his life goals?
2.1) Never depend on him for approval. You CANNOT need him to tell you how much you are worth. You know how much you are worth already. You are not beautiful, smart, and successful, only when other people say you are! Your state of self should be more or less the same whether peoples' opinions of you are blatantly positive or not. If people don't say you are beautiful, that does not automatically mean you look ugly. The more you rely on his approval, the more your relationship becomes skewed towards him being a Crutch for your self-esteem rather than your Partner or Equal, and men can sense this very easily. Yes, it is nice to hear compliments sometimes, and a guy who NEVER says anything nice to you is an asshole. But a mature man will compliment you as much as he feels is appropriate, and honestly, if you tried dating a guy who complimented you every 5 minutes you would go crazy. Also, just because he doesn't SAY that you are beautiful, doesn't mean he doesn't THINK you are beautiful. If you just said, "Well if he thinks it, he should say it!", please re-read Section 1.
2.2) Maintain your own life trajectory. If you have certain things you want to achieve in your life, do not let him affect them unless he offers to. The door should be open for him to be apart of your achievements, but he must walk through that door himself, and until then, you must follow through with your own plans. This is extremely hard to do, because everyone wants to be accommodating, and people are often afraid that they will leave the other person "in the dust" if they don't wait around. However, if the guy is left in the dust just from you living your life the way you want to, he is not your equal and thus you should not let him drag you down. If a guy is your equal, he will naturally be able to keep up with you and your plans. Trust that your man can keep up with you. As such, he should also trust you to keep up with him, and you should follow through on that as well. Don't expect him to wait around on you, and don't wait around on him either. That said, the doors must be open, meaning you should tell each other about your plans so that the other person has the chance to be a part of it if they choose to. How can anyone "keep up" with a plan that they don't even know exists? Both people have to keep their doors open for sharing to occur.
2.3) Get control of your emotions. This goes both ways. A mature man should be able to control himself, meaning he won't get unnecessarily angry or sad, anxious, needy, etc. A mature woman should be the same way. A person who doesn't have control of their own emotions sets off big alarm bells that yell "DO NOT COMMIT TO THIS PERSON, BECAUSE THEY ARE UNRELIABLE". For example, if the slightest thing puts you into a bad mood? You are giving off "unreliable" vibes. Your partner has no idea if you will be happy or sad today, if you'll snap at them or give them a hug. This makes for a very stressful relationship, and men especially will refuse to spend their personal resources (time, effort, caring), on things that cause them a lot of unpredictable stress. People who have trouble controlling their emotions typically have problems with either Anger/Sadness, or Anxiety.
When this happens, STOP and think carefully about Why, and then ask yourself So What? The solution for Anger/Sadness is to answer So What? with an action that benefits everyone involved (create a win/win situation, even though you probably hate the other person right now), or walk away. Angry/Sad people need to convert those emotions into a feeling of well-being. The solution for Anxiety is to form a realistic plan of ACTION that you can carry out yourself, and realize that sometimes there is no perfect answer. Anxious people need to convert anxiety situations into confidence. Sometimes you will find that when you ask yourself Why/So What? you will realize that there isn't a very good reason for feeling the way you do. Sometimes just knowing that will dissipate your negative emotions, sometimes it will make you feel worse. Don't feel bad about it! Create confidence or well-being, and everybody wins.
2.4) Be supportive. This is the easiest one, because a person whose life goals you do not support, you should not be with. If their life trajectory is aiming to places you specifically do not want to go to, then you should move on because there is no happy future for you there. Being supportive to someone's life goals is more about having common life goals than anything else. You should both want more-or-less the same things in life. This sounds obvious, but a lot of people overlook it because by this point, they are really deep into a relationship already and don't want to have wasted their time. But you will waste even more time if you do not realize that not having common goals = unhappiness and stress. Most people our age don't have a solid plan for their future; that's fine. But everyone knows more or less whether they want to stay here or move, have kids or not, live in their parents' basement or become independent.
If your partner does not have life goals, dump them. It sounds harsh, but you do not have the time and energy to waste on someone who doesn't want to do anything with their life. Maybe in the future they will have goals. Until then, do not drain yourself of happiness and fulfillment by sticking with them! Likewise, do not waste your time on people whose life goals are completely incongruent with your own.
This sounds obvious, but if a woman does not truly believe in and support a man's life goals, he will automatically discount her as a life partner, and will never commit on a real level. However, as I said before, this is the easiest one. You will either support someone's goals or you won't. If you have misgivings about whether it is feasible, you should offer your advice, support, etc. But you must either choose to support the goal, or admit that you don't really believe in it.
Every person is looking for that someone who is perfectly capable of standing alone, but chooses to stand with us. That is what makes a person feel special in a relationship. Feeling special doesn't come from gifts, compliments, or even specific actions. It is that knowledge that the other person doesn't owe you anything, and does not stay by your side out of some sense of duty or guilt, inertia, or because they can't do better. That person has chosen you, only you, out of billions of people on Earth, and continually makes the purposeful decision to stay with you because you are perfect for him/her. And you, in turn, give that person the same feeling. That is how you have a good relationship.