Healing Myself

[caliban18]

The infertility saga continues. I'm trying to find the will to make myself better. Way harder than offering myself up to the knife.

Click to view

Comments

[lily_sword]

Getting healthy-> You can do it! Day-by-day, the decisions you make at each moment..

[caliban18]

So many moments. So many decisions. So many ways to go wrong. And unfortunately, so many of those wrong ways are very entrenched coping mechanisms.

[ferox]

Would it be too obvious to gentlygently mention that being able to take care of yourself is just as important as being able to take care of someone else? Especially someone that vulnerable; they depend entirely on you. Perhaps, as cold as it sounds, it's... good, that you're learning about it now.

Much love, always.

[caliban18]

Perhaps it is obvious and perhaps I even know it, but still for me it is a struggle. Of course my capacity to add to the lives of others is dependent on this body of mine continuing in good health. But care requires some measure of love. I'm fine with managing that trick for others. Not so much for the self.

[ferox]

I think that's possibly the saddest thing I've heard; you are one of the most caring, loveable, etcetcetc times a billion people I've ever met.

Dork.

[caliban18]

You are very sweet and I thank you. This little aspect of me is part of a much larger, uglier story that does not fit in the reply to a livejournal comment. But I am going to offer you thanks for a particular comment you made in passing a while back. I had mentioned that I was frustrated in that I wished I could find someone to chat to about the database structures that were taking over my brain, and as usual I said that it was a silly thing to be frustrated about. You told me that it wasn't silly. You told me it was human. The need to communicate was human.

Most of my impulses I measure against the insanity that I fear drives much of my behaviour. Your comment made me feel normal for a moment, natural. A frustration that I was ready to dismiss as a diseased need you termed human, a shared experience. I won't forget it.

[happyduck1979]

I am sorry it has taken me so long to relty to this, but I was skipping any baby-related posts in any way shape or form this week...

My only advice it to find someone, anyone, outside the two of you who can understand and be a "flying buttress" so to speak. They can help keep you motivated when from your spouse it starts to just feel like nagging.

Jay and I each have one friend we have taken into our confidences, and it has made the struggles so much easier. It means we need not always bring each other down, but still have a place to turn when we need it.

[caliban18]

It's odd...I do the youtube thing, but I'm not sure I'd really feel comfortable talking with anyone about it. Guys do not discuss this. We just don't. This shreds our egos and I'm not sure I could handle straightforward conversation. But it does make this experience bloody lonely.