So I'll try to have these done every Wed or Tues night, because that tends to be the only guaranteed time I'll have to do it. >_> Y'all have the whole week to respond, though
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OPEN (word count: 250)dragon_gypsyAugust 4 2009, 20:08:26 UTC
"She moves a little too stiffly," he remarked after a pause of consideration.
I struggled for a moment, trying to find the right words to defend my creation. "Well, Sir, she's just a prototype. Given the proper funding, we can certainly... increase her range of functions."
He lifted one eyebrow and glared down his nose at me. "Mister Rose, if I didn't know any better I would think you were lying."
"Sir," I stammered. Now I was really struggling. “Automated combat fighters take time to prepare-there’s no way we could have assembled a fully-functioning creation using funds from our own pockets
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Re: OPEN (word count: 250)calibornAugust 5 2009, 04:24:34 UTC
Imma review this real quick before bed :o
First off-- Loved it! The whole thing had a very suspenseful feel, especially near the end. Very tense, very nervous atmosphere from the narrator-- you pulled that off really well.
"Well, Sir, she's just a prototype. Given the proper funding, we can certainly... increase her range of functions."
I'm picky, but this line right here-- namely the "increase her range of functions" rang a little bit like sexual innuendo, and that a little offsetting if it really is his sister. Mostly it's the pause after "certainly" and the wording that made it seem that way to me, like he's lingering on a different mental image. Maybe rephrase it like "given the proper funding, we can certainly smooth out her range of movement" or along those lines.
He lifted one eyebrow and glared down his nose at me. "Mister Rose, if I didn't know any better I would think you were lying."I love this characterization right here. We know from the first line that this man is someone in charge, reviewing the events going on
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I struggled for a moment, trying to find the right words to defend my creation. "Well, Sir, she's just a prototype. Given the proper funding, we can certainly... increase her range of functions."
He lifted one eyebrow and glared down his nose at me. "Mister Rose, if I didn't know any better I would think you were lying."
"Sir," I stammered. Now I was really struggling. “Automated combat fighters take time to prepare-there’s no way we could have assembled a fully-functioning creation using funds from our own pockets ( ... )
Reply
First off-- Loved it! The whole thing had a very suspenseful feel, especially near the end. Very tense, very nervous atmosphere from the narrator-- you pulled that off really well.
"Well, Sir, she's just a prototype. Given the proper funding, we can certainly... increase her range of functions."
I'm picky, but this line right here-- namely the "increase her range of functions" rang a little bit like sexual innuendo, and that a little offsetting if it really is his sister. Mostly it's the pause after "certainly" and the wording that made it seem that way to me, like he's lingering on a different mental image. Maybe rephrase it like "given the proper funding, we can certainly smooth out her range of movement" or along those lines.
He lifted one eyebrow and glared down his nose at me. "Mister Rose, if I didn't know any better I would think you were lying."I love this characterization right here. We know from the first line that this man is someone in charge, reviewing the events going on ( ... )
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Oh Fedora-kun.
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