Some recent ramblings....
Well, I haven't made a real post on here for some time so I figured now's as good a time as any...especially since I have some things to get off my chest. This post covers being gay, being biracial, yearning to be "normal."
So, I really hate being gay. I hate it so much! I feel like I'm not like any other gay guy...I don't go out and buy ridiculously expensive Diesel jeans, I don't create drama with guys all the time, I don't flirt with every guy out there, especially straight guys, and I don't like fucking. There are a barrage of other reasons I'm not like other gay guys but those are what's coming to mind currently. For these reasons, it's hard for me to get along with gay guys, be their friend and be truly accepting of myself. Sometimes, I don't even understand how I can be gay. Everything that is "gay" I don't really enjoy...save dancing at clubs and Kylie Minogue:-) I just don't fit in at all. I really wish I was straight. Girls seem to like my body type (tall, dark, handsome, muscular) but gay guys seem to be all about thin, gay boys whose bodies appear closer to a females than to a strong man. It would be much easier for me to get dates and find someone if I fucking liked women! Honestly, it's so frustrating! Unfortunately for me, I'm a very mindful, self-actualized person and I could never try to date a woman because I know that I don't find them sexually attractive and (one of the things I have in common with gay guys) I love sexual acts regardless of my lack of interest in fucking. The other thing is that I have a huge attraction to straight guys...so much so that even if a guy looks straight, acts straight but is gay, it's a huge turnoff. I don't know what's wrong with me. Wait, scratch that, I do know what's wrong. Because of my childhood environment (conservative, Christian community), I hated gays when I was little and I guess there's still a lot of residual, unconscious (at least it used to be) hatred for us. That hatred extends to myself. I so wish that I was just "normal." All my life, I yearned to be like everyone else. I used to be made fun of so much because I wasn't like everyone else and man, oh man, do I just wish I could be like everyone else. I know that takes the spice out of life and it limits diversity which is good. I know all that. But at the same time, I really wish I wasn't as diverse as I am.
This gets to another issue I'm hating about myself. I hate being biracial but looking pretty much black. Once again, I know this is pretty un PC but I figure this is my journal and this is where I can talk about this shit. Gay guys impose certain values and characteristics on me just because of the way that I look. Because I look black, white guys (who I'm attracted to...look at a previous post if you want to know my theory of attraction...basically, it's cultural attraction that lends itself to physical attraction...I was raised in a suburban culture so I usually fall for people with those kind of characteristics...usually white guys) don't give me a chance...they don't even try to get to know me because they focus just on the skin color and that's it. I don't do that. If a guy comes up to me and trys to talk to me and espouses my values, I'll talk to them and get to know them. If after a while, we click, then maybe we could date (maybe because this scenario hasn't ever happened). But no one wants to get to know me. How many personal ads have you seen out there that say "No blacks?" You know you've seen a lot. It just sucks. Again, I just wish that I was "normal." I feel like there's a possibility that I'm attracted to the type of guys I am (white, blond, blue eyed) because I want to be them....I think they are my image of "normal." How fucked up is that??
Am I even gay? I mean, I do distinctly remember when I first started to have extreme sexual feelings (ie when I went through puberty), I became interested in guys. But, at the same time, I didn't have quality male relationships when I was a kid either and have always been yearning for stable male relationships. So could this have caused me to become sexually attracted to men as a way to get male relationships? I don't think so because I definitely have NO sexual attraction to females. NONE. So, I know I'm gay. But why can't I be like everyone else. If I'm gay, why can't I just be a "normal" superficial gay guy who cares all about high class fashion, money, power and getting fucked?! I mean, by my observation, no matter if you're a "straight-acting" gay guy or a femme, you pretty much like all those things. In various combinations, granted, but you like those things. I do like fashion but at the same time, I can't imagine paying over $100 for jeans. Come on, there's no way that those jeans look better on you than 70 or 80 buck jeans from A&F or Express. Where do we get all this dispensable income?? I just don't get it. It's so hard to live in the gay lifestyle. Honestly, it costs too much--too much money, too much self-esteem, too much doubt. But at the same time, when you're gay and you do want to find someone, how can you avoid gay culture? How the hell else do you meet someone when all your friends are straight and have no gay friends? Yes, you can say, be patient and it will come. But really, I just can't be patient....I've been waiting for someone to really love me, all of me, my whole life...it's frustrating to sit back and just wait.
And I know some of you are going to say, you can't find someone to like you when you don't like yourself. And yes, that's very true and I say that to friends all the time. However, it's very hard to really practice. Negative self-image is a very vicous cycle. You need someone to help you with your image in order for it to improve but you need to have a good self-image, confidence, in order for someone to be attracted to you enough to want to spend time with you. I mean, I have 4 or 5 really strong friends who make me feel really good, but they're not gay and for some reason the confidence that I have with them doesn't transfer to groupings and interactions I have with gay guys. There I'm all about doubt and self-hatred. It really sucks. I don't know what to do about it all. Do you all have suggestions?
I know this is the longest post ever but I really needed to write it down. Please help me out with your comments. I would really appreciate it. Even if it's to tell me I'm a bigot (though I really hope you can see I'm struggling with everything myself and the hatred is pretty much self-directed not outward), please comment. Thanks.
So, I really hate being gay. I hate it so much! I feel like I'm not like any other gay guy...I don't go out and buy ridiculously expensive Diesel jeans, I don't create drama with guys all the time, I don't flirt with every guy out there, especially straight guys, and I don't like fucking. There are a barrage of other reasons I'm not like other gay guys but those are what's coming to mind currently. For these reasons, it's hard for me to get along with gay guys, be their friend and be truly accepting of myself. Sometimes, I don't even understand how I can be gay. Everything that is "gay" I don't really enjoy...save dancing at clubs and Kylie Minogue:-) I just don't fit in at all. I really wish I was straight. Girls seem to like my body type (tall, dark, handsome, muscular) but gay guys seem to be all about thin, gay boys whose bodies appear closer to a females than to a strong man. It would be much easier for me to get dates and find someone if I fucking liked women! Honestly, it's so frustrating! Unfortunately for me, I'm a very mindful, self-actualized person and I could never try to date a woman because I know that I don't find them sexually attractive and (one of the things I have in common with gay guys) I love sexual acts regardless of my lack of interest in fucking. The other thing is that I have a huge attraction to straight guys...so much so that even if a guy looks straight, acts straight but is gay, it's a huge turnoff. I don't know what's wrong with me. Wait, scratch that, I do know what's wrong. Because of my childhood environment (conservative, Christian community), I hated gays when I was little and I guess there's still a lot of residual, unconscious (at least it used to be) hatred for us. That hatred extends to myself. I so wish that I was just "normal." All my life, I yearned to be like everyone else. I used to be made fun of so much because I wasn't like everyone else and man, oh man, do I just wish I could be like everyone else. I know that takes the spice out of life and it limits diversity which is good. I know all that. But at the same time, I really wish I wasn't as diverse as I am.
This gets to another issue I'm hating about myself. I hate being biracial but looking pretty much black. Once again, I know this is pretty un PC but I figure this is my journal and this is where I can talk about this shit. Gay guys impose certain values and characteristics on me just because of the way that I look. Because I look black, white guys (who I'm attracted to...look at a previous post if you want to know my theory of attraction...basically, it's cultural attraction that lends itself to physical attraction...I was raised in a suburban culture so I usually fall for people with those kind of characteristics...usually white guys) don't give me a chance...they don't even try to get to know me because they focus just on the skin color and that's it. I don't do that. If a guy comes up to me and trys to talk to me and espouses my values, I'll talk to them and get to know them. If after a while, we click, then maybe we could date (maybe because this scenario hasn't ever happened). But no one wants to get to know me. How many personal ads have you seen out there that say "No blacks?" You know you've seen a lot. It just sucks. Again, I just wish that I was "normal." I feel like there's a possibility that I'm attracted to the type of guys I am (white, blond, blue eyed) because I want to be them....I think they are my image of "normal." How fucked up is that??
Am I even gay? I mean, I do distinctly remember when I first started to have extreme sexual feelings (ie when I went through puberty), I became interested in guys. But, at the same time, I didn't have quality male relationships when I was a kid either and have always been yearning for stable male relationships. So could this have caused me to become sexually attracted to men as a way to get male relationships? I don't think so because I definitely have NO sexual attraction to females. NONE. So, I know I'm gay. But why can't I be like everyone else. If I'm gay, why can't I just be a "normal" superficial gay guy who cares all about high class fashion, money, power and getting fucked?! I mean, by my observation, no matter if you're a "straight-acting" gay guy or a femme, you pretty much like all those things. In various combinations, granted, but you like those things. I do like fashion but at the same time, I can't imagine paying over $100 for jeans. Come on, there's no way that those jeans look better on you than 70 or 80 buck jeans from A&F or Express. Where do we get all this dispensable income?? I just don't get it. It's so hard to live in the gay lifestyle. Honestly, it costs too much--too much money, too much self-esteem, too much doubt. But at the same time, when you're gay and you do want to find someone, how can you avoid gay culture? How the hell else do you meet someone when all your friends are straight and have no gay friends? Yes, you can say, be patient and it will come. But really, I just can't be patient....I've been waiting for someone to really love me, all of me, my whole life...it's frustrating to sit back and just wait.
And I know some of you are going to say, you can't find someone to like you when you don't like yourself. And yes, that's very true and I say that to friends all the time. However, it's very hard to really practice. Negative self-image is a very vicous cycle. You need someone to help you with your image in order for it to improve but you need to have a good self-image, confidence, in order for someone to be attracted to you enough to want to spend time with you. I mean, I have 4 or 5 really strong friends who make me feel really good, but they're not gay and for some reason the confidence that I have with them doesn't transfer to groupings and interactions I have with gay guys. There I'm all about doubt and self-hatred. It really sucks. I don't know what to do about it all. Do you all have suggestions?
I know this is the longest post ever but I really needed to write it down. Please help me out with your comments. I would really appreciate it. Even if it's to tell me I'm a bigot (though I really hope you can see I'm struggling with everything myself and the hatred is pretty much self-directed not outward), please comment. Thanks.