(no subject)
K = Me
D = Denise Belarde
M = Dawn-Marie Griffin
12/29/2008
** The following are text conversations I had with Denise, and later her new gf, Dawn-Marie Ann. I just typed this up, so I had previously had to delete some texts so my phone would let me receive the new ones, so there are a few gaps in the conversations. What I remember, I have written notation in these... []. And yes, I know I'm fucked up in the head. **
D: 07:08 [I had deleted this, but she basically said: I hope that you've been doing okay]
K: 07:13 Not so much. I still cry every day. I cant eat. My heart is in my stomach. I just cant believe u moved on so quickly, that i'm such a reject that u never loved me. And i never loved anyone as much as i loved you, but i dont get why... u were pushing me away the whole time, and i really was just a ride until u found someone better. The thought of u in another girls arms kills me inside. I dont want to live but i'm too scared to die. I still love u n i always will, but i hate u cuz u killed a piece of me... n i'll never b the same way again
D: 07:23 Im sorry, i never ment 2 hurt you. And im sorry for the hurtful things that i said last time we talked. I was mad and said things i shouldn't have. You are not a reject.
K: 7:40 Yea i am. Ur the 14th person to prove it to me. I will never love again, even if that means i never leave home the rest of my life. N i look at ur status n moods every day n thats all the proof i need. Spider woman... u that cuz u kiss her upsidedown? N u told me u were incapable of love, tho u've announced now u r. And u r ready to commit to her, but never me. U shoulda just let me walk away when i tried the first time. Now u've messed me up beyond repair. I've pushed all my friends away, wont answer any calls. I've lost 15 lbs in my misery. N all i can think about is u and me, u and her, trying to figure out why i'm so unlovable. Ur always in my dreams. I wake up crying, and i cry myself to sleep everyday. I cant keep thoughts like u wrapping ur arms around her out of my head. I have no self esteem now, no self worth. I told u if u hooked up w someone else itd kill me. And i spend half my days wondering just how many things u told me over the months were lies.
K: 7:53 I feel like i lost the best thing ever... but now i realize i never had u to being with. But it doesnt keep me from crying every time i look at ur page, c a pic of u, hear a song u like on tv, 2 c that NOW u feel loved, every time i think about ur smile, every time i think about u, which is most of the time. One day i called a suicide hotline. I told my brilliant friend satyr to fuck off. I dont c myself bouncing back from this heartbreak, ever. I'm mad at the universe for making me someone u couldnt love. So i'm def not okay. When u bring me my things, could u pick me up a box of kleenex? I'm almost out.
D: 07:58 Your right. I should have let you walk away the first time. It was selfish of me 2 think i could keep you as a friend.
K: 08:06 Yea, there isnt anything u can, or will anyway, say or do now. U fucked me up worse than any of my exs. I hope ur happy w this girl u actually love. U knew how much i cared about u, loved u. How could u think i could just let go? I dont even understand why i keep texting u. I changed my whole profile to express how i feel... but u prob havent looked at it cuz ur on cloud 9, like i once was w u. Now i just lay here all day every day, bleeding love. Soon it will all b gone, forever. U being so damn happy only makes it hurt worse. Whats so wonderful about this girl anyway?
K: 08:17 And congrats on finding atlantis
D: 08:31 I didnt think i was capable of love until i met her
K: 08:32 Then what about wallace?
D: 08:33 Infatuation... Hot girl hot body
K: 08:33 And like thats suppose to make me feel any better. C, i'm unlovable
K: 08:34 N u didnt even have that w me. I'm a reject
D: 08:35 No u asked... Dont ask me questions about her because your not gonna feel better about any of the answers
D: 08:35 No your not... It just wasn't there
K: 08:35 N now i'm crying yet again. I just got myself to stop a few min ago too
K: 08:37 It never is. 14 was my lucky number, or so i thought. I hate u 4 what u've done to me
K: 08:39 If u'd loved me like u love her, i would have never hurt u, cuz i only did so after u hurt me. Its my defense mechanism
D: 08:49 Thats understandable
D: 09:03 Oh okay. Ill bring em as soon as i can sorry
K: 09:05 Today? Its been almost a week
D: 09:05 No i cant today
K: 09:07 When? Every day longer i have to wait to get this over w just makes me more miserable. Have i not suffered enough already?
D: 09:08 Sorry i just cant drop everything and come over there
K: 09:12 I know, cuz i'm not important. Just let me pick everything up then. I'm sorry that u couldnt find the time yet to do me this one last thing. U prolly brought girly back home w u again. I just want my crap.
K: 09:17 Ya know what. Just keep it. Trash it. I dont care. Its all tainted w memories of u anyways. Looking at that shit'll just make me cry even more
D: 09:18 I dont want 2 keep it, u wanted it so bad u need 2 take it
K: 09:21 Just to sell it. I've decided i'm gonna save up money, to cover my debts, cuz i'm gonna kill myself the day my cat dies, cuz shes the only reason i havent already
K: 09:23 Isis is the only being to show me unconditional love, so shes the only one worthy. And i know deep in my heart that i will not live w out her
D: 09:23 Dont be stupid
K: 09:29 No, u dont get it. Ur the last. And i pray dawn breaks ur heart like u broke mine... forever. When i'm done crying over you, i'm done. Everyone can go fuck themselves. I've already chased satyr n chris off. I just cant leave isis. So i'll wait 4 her. U will be the last girl ever to make me cry
D: 09:29 You need 2 learn 2 love yourself and live 4 yourself
K: 09:34 I hate u. U keep ripping my heart out over and over. And i'm gonna take it out on everyone. U changed me. I'd cry less if u were dead. U've turned my heart to poison. I hope ur happy
D: 09:30 Wow thats hateful
D: 09:33 Dont blame me i told u all along how i felt and u still kept it up
K: 09:39 U sent me false signals. U needed a friend so bad, u kept me around until u didnt need me any more. U knew how much i loved u, and its like u took advantage of it. So over n over u stabbed me. Now i'm changing. I hate u n everyone. I used to care too much. Now cuz of u i dont care at all
D: 09:39 Wow thats nice. You need 2 quit blaming me. Its not my fault i didnt love you. I told u my feelings all along. You could have walked away long ago
K: 09:39 U wouldnt let me
D: 09:41 I wanted u 2 be my friend i told u that
K: 09:41 I cant c why i ever loved u now... cept that u used to make me smile
K: 09:42 N i told u i couldnt... It had to b all or nuthin. But did u believe me?
K: 09:43 The last time i talked to my dad, i told him i was dating the girl of my dreams. Guess i was wrong
K: 09:45 I cant believe i gave my heart 2 u
K: 09:45 I wouldnt have if i had any control over it
D: 09:48 What am i suppose 2 do? I cant help that I love her.
K: 09:47 N i told u if u fell 4 someone else, itd kill me. I was right about that. I should b dead w in a decade
K: 09:48 I'll make sure 2 put u on a mail list when that time comes so u know
D: 09:49 Quit being stupid your smarter than that
K: 09:50 I dont care. U can fuck off n die 4 all i care cuz i know u'll never love me n all u tell me r lies
K: 09:54 No. I'm already working on the details. Every ime i cry, i think of something else to prepare 4 my death. Love is like oxygen, n rite now isis' is the only love keeping me alive, like life support. U n ur fam can hate me. Hope they hate ur new cigarette smoking gf too
D: 09:57 Why do u want me 2 die? Thats horrible
K: 09:57 I've been deleting u outta my life. Ur old txt messages i used to love r all gone. Now if only i could do that w my memories of u, cuz they only make me hate the both of us even more
K: 09:58 U had to keep me as a friend when i loved u so. Guess ur stubbornness has screwed u again
D: 09:59 You will get over me, you need to quit being so irrational
K: 10:00 Itd hurt me less. I have u being happy w out me, that another gets to touch ur lips. It poisons me more every day
K: 10:00 I'm not rational, i'm crazy. Havent u figured that out yet
K: 10:02 Ok, so losing me isnt a loss 4 u. Good 2 know
K: 10:03 U were the straw that broke my back. I'm a ticking time bomb n u set the timer
K: 10:04 I will die by my own hands, i promise.
K: 10:05 U dont care n i dont want u 2 cuz it would just b another lie
K: 10:05 Fuck her
K: 10:07 Shit, my ex from when i was 177 even emailed me. She seems to care more than half of my so-called friends
K: 10:08 My life is over. U were my last glimmer of hope for being happy
K: 10:09 I dont need them to. I already made up my mind. I'm dying anyway
K: 10:26 I dont need a packed church like liz had. I dont care if anyone cries when i'm gone. This world is a big cruel joke n i'm done laughing
K: 10:28 U only care cuz u'd feel guilty when i kill myself. Well good. U still wont hurt as much as i do now
K: 10:31 Becky was right. U should have never called me
D: 10:33 No i care because u were my friend. Im irritated that your still trying 2 manipulate me by threatening 2 kill yourself
K: 10:37 No, i dont want u as a friend or lover or anything. Theres nothing u can say or do to change that. I do want to hurt u as much as possible. And i do want to die. And i will kill myself. I'm just waiting on my cat
K: 10:37 U ARE my last heartbreak. My death will ensure it
K: 10:44 So go frolic in atlantis already spider woman. Now that u know how it feels to b in love, imagine HER just wanting to b friends w YOU
K: 10:51 Hah, u dont take me seriously. Well i'm giving my cat 10 years max, maybe less if i give her lung cancer from the chain smoke. So start checking at ur moms in say 5 years for a letter pronouncing my death
D: 10:57 I do take u seriously. U need 2 quit torturing yourself and reading my updates
K: 11:06 Like i have that kind of self control. U were my world for 6 months. Now i have nothing. So the happier u r, the more i'll hate the universe. Maybe in another 6 months if she breaks ur heart n makes u want 2 die, i may reconsider that the universe IS just n decide 2 live. But u have 2 hurt more than u made me hurt. I want 2 c ur heart ripped 2 shreds. But knowing my luck that wont happen. Perhaps the day my cat dies, i'll go for a previous approach from '03. I'll bet my life on a lotto ticket, but this time, instead of trying to find my dad's gun for 4 hrs n giving up, i'll just take a month supply each of my meds
K: 11:29 No. I'm done. U broke the wrong heart. I'll b interested 2 know if the new girl will overlook all ur faults over time. I bet now that ur in love, u find this urge to b clingy. I'll keep my fingers crossed that will drive her away
K: 11:31 Shit, if she hasnt seen u naked yet, i bet that will. Thats what i always thought drove wallace away
D: 11:40 Im done trying 2 be decent to you. You have pushed my last button. Ill let u know when u can pick your stuff up n then i never want 2 hear from you again.
K: 11:40 Dude love is blind. N dont u hate me yet? I got a bunch more to say, as long as u keep txting me back. I bet u looked hotter b4 u lost the weight
K: 11:46 Perfect. Thats what i wanted to hear. But i'm not gonna pick it up unless its today, cuz i really dont care about that shit. I'll b dead b4 i get around 2 these other computers anyway. Congrats, u've successfully turned a compassionate person into a cut throat bitch. Want a cookie? Wow, this is the first time i've smiled in weeks. Yea, ur only kinda cute... from the neck up
D: 11:50 I didnt turn you into nothing. You have always been the way u are. Dont text me anymore. Im beyond done with you.
K: 11:52 I as ok b4 u. U fucked me up. I'm glad the feeling of hate is finally mutual. Goodbye. Forever i hope.
D: *[She said something about making all her LJ posts public, but apparently just decided to delete the whole thing instead]
K: 11:__ Aww. I know u'd been keeping secrets from me. Ur words dont faze me anymore so have at it. I'm looking 4ward 2 having a good laugh
M: 16:20 Everything in life happens 4 a reason what u choose 2 do with it is on u but making things worse don't help u and it sure don't help her
M: 16:21 Im deeply in love with denise. and she is truly happy. So why would u do something that would make her not want u in her life even as a friend if i loved someone and they didn't feel the same i would do everything it takes 2 at least be there friend and support them along the way. Im not texting u 2 fight. Im just trying 2 help u out some.
K: 16:__ U dont know how bad she hurt me. N just knowing that shes kissing someone else kills me at the soul. So now i'm dead on the inside, n when my cat passes, i'll kill myself cuz i never loved anyone the way i loved her, n i know i never will again. She just used me til she found something better. She never fell 4 me. I hate her as much as i loved her. I even wrote that on my arm w a knife. I know she'll never b mine, n she was the final proof i cant b loved. So on the day of my cats death, i'm ending my own life, because i already cant stand the images of u 2 in my obsessive compulsive head. So it plays over n over n i cant stop it. It took me 6 days 2 stop crying. Whoever said its easier 2 hate, they were right. So i'm pushing everyone away. I'll never love again, i'm fucked up crazy in the head, i wish she were miserable like me, but since thats not gonna happen any time soon, i give my cat, n there4 me, maybe a decade to live, n in that decade i'll make sure to tell everyone to fuck off. U dont know my mental problems. I wrote a summary of it on
my myspace. I was crazy 4 her, now i'm just crazy. Oh, did she cry at all 2day?
M: 16:58 Don't say that. I had the same exact thing happen 2 me i started 2 believe that i wasn't ment 2 be happy i went crazy had 2 be put in a safe house till they thought i was better i never really got better i just started 2 do things 4 me and said fuck everyone else and i turned 2 the bottle and i started 2 do random chicks and make myself not get attached. That messed me up more. I met denise and i just feel different like im changed. Move on and just try 2 be happy 4 u not anyone else and if u need 2 talk im here even tho u probley don't wanna talk to me im here
K: 17:16 No, i dont want help, i want 2 b dead. I just refuse 2 leave my cat, and i cant bring myself 2 kill her, so i go the day she goes. Period. My mind is made up. I dont cry when i think about it so it must b right. Oh, n over a period of 3 yrs when i was a lil younger i slept w over 60 people, men and women. C shes my 14th ex. So i'm done. She was the one calling, txting me all the time. She made me think she wanted me. 4 of my ex's left me for another girl, n 1 for a guy. I was enjoying being single. Shed call me 10+ times every day. So i fell in love, and she broke my heart over n over. So she leaves me broken n less than a week later falls 4 someone else, 1st tries to lie about it even. I told her if we broke up, i couldnt have anything 2 do w her, cuz i knew i'd snap, sooner or later, but no, she wouldnt let me go, and i told her if she hooked up w someone else itd kill me, n turns out i'm right about that too. I tried to run, 2 save myself. Now its 2 late. I will never be happy 4 u 2. N i will b dead b4 2 long
M: 17:30 Well i think that's stupid but its ur chose if u wanna end ur life but if u think that's gonna make her not want 2 be with me ur wrong. Ur just making it harder on ur self and ur being really amateur bout this. Whenever u get ur head outta ur ass let me know i will still be here
K: 17:39 No i know i couldnt break u up, or get her back. This is me giving up. Nothing matters but my cat, shes the reason i'm not already dead, is the only one able to love me, so i live only 4 her. I'm done w people. Theyre evil. My cat will b the next and last 2 make me cry.
M: 17:47 Well she had a shitty day 2 day cause of u. I will be there in a couple days and u can get ur stuff. Just let her have a few days without hearing from u and if u need 2 vent do it on me please just do that 4 me
K: 17:49 Oh, i'm done w both of u. If D really wants 2 give me my stuff back, tell her she can go to my coffee shop after work tom. No guarantee i'll stay past 4
K: 17:49 Shes the one who txted me in the first place
K: 17:52 N ur involvement makes me hate the both of u all the more... n makes me feel sick, and all the more ready 2 die.
M: 17:53 Why would she have text u? It doesnt make since 2 me
M: 17:55 Hate is a powerful word how can u hate me u don't know me? Well i don't hate you
K: 17:55 Every txt i sent was after she sent me one
K: 17:58 I hate u cuz u won her heart, n thats all i ever wanted
K: 18:00 Just leave me alone like i've told all my so-called friends to do
M: 18:00 K then hate me.
K: 18:00 Gladly
M: 18:02 She told me u text her this morning saying 2 go frolic in atlantis
K: 18:03 Her txt woke me up
M: 18:04 Well what did she say?
K: 18:09 Shes all i've thought about 4 over a week, her being happy while i lay her broken. If she had just stopped txting me back, i wouldnt have kept txting her back all the vile backed up in my system
M: 18:15 Well now her and i need 2 talk bout a few things hopefully we can work them out
K: 18:20 Theres no working it out. U 2 r in love, i'm broken, will never love again n i choose death. N if she kisses u upsidedown, that use 2 b our thing. She got it from me. N we used 2 dance in the shower 2gether listening to that i kissed a girl song
M: 18:21 I cannot handle being lyd 2 at all
K: 18:22 Me either. Another reason i hate her. She lied to me so many times
K: 18:23 [FORWARD FROM EARLIER] Yea i am. Ur the 14th person...
M: 18:47 I have that song and she wont shower with me and no upside down kisses
K: 18:54 Doesnt change anything. I've already made up my mind
M: 18:56 Me 2 im done with both of u guys!
K: 19:00 What, has she lied to u already?
M: 19:04 Yes she has and im done
D: 19:04 What did u say 2 her?
K: [She'd tried calling a few times, I didn't pick up. I basically said: sucks when someone wont pick up the phone]
D: 19:08 I always pick up the phone
K: [I said something like: Liar!]
D: 19:09 What did u say 2 her?
K: [I said something like: nothing more than I said to you]
D: 19:14 Im sure thats a lie
[She calls me again, I finally pick up the phone, and I let out some more of my vile thoughts inbetween actually attempting to help her figure out what it was I said to Dawn-Marie that made her flip on Denise. And of course the conversation ended badly]