The First Obstacle
I'm sorry that this is going to be a big rant that will probably make little sense overall, but I just really need to get it out.
I'm feeling pretty crappy. I've been back in Vancouver for three weeks now and I don't know what I've been doing with myself. I keep thinking that I'm on top of things one minute and then the next I realize that I've forgotten ten details so I'm actually not. I went to talk to an international student adviser at UBC yesterday and it was frustrating as hell because it reconfirmed that there's really no way to be sure that I'm doing things right because there's conflicting information everywhere and no one to go to for definite answers. Basically, finishing in December was dumb. It's created more work for me in terms of going to advising for confirmation of graduation (which they told me in October or November I couldn't get until March, and then gave me yesterday in ten minutes when I went in yesterday), explaining to employers, and figuring out how long I actually have to find a job. Turns out that my initial belief was correct, and I have until late March. So if I'm going to stay in Vancouver like I want to then I have a bit less than two months to find a job. And all the paperwork looks more complicated than I thought it was. For a while yesterday I was thinking of just saying "Screw it!" and going back to California, but then I decided that that's lame and I should be willing to work for what I want.
Another thing frustrating the heck out of me is that I've been doing what I usually do when I get stressed, which is retreat into myself and not communicate with other people. This is not good because it means that I sit here doubting myself, neglecting people I would actually like to talk to and see, and it makes me lazy. I've been so lazy and I haven't been able make myself stop. Part of it is that I've been exhausted and I can't seem to get energy. I've been sleeping badly and I can't figure out why and everything I've tried hasn't been working. It's not like serious insomnia or anything, but it's enough that I wake up feeling drained and I just can't seem to get going. The frequent stomach aches aren't helping either. I know that the stress is making them worse, but it's one of those cycles where I get a stomach ache and then I worry it will impede my day and so that stresses me out and the discomfort lasts longer. Luckily they've been more uncomfortable than painful, but it's one more thing draining me.
I feel so silly writing all this out because compared to a lot of things it's really not bad. And there's been lots of good, but I'm feeling like I'm old and immature and pathetic. I know that I'm not, but that's not making a difference.
I'm hoping that now that I've purged out most of my nasty feelings I'll be able to start again. This morning I'm supposed to email all the people I've been meaning to talk to but haven't, and then I need to do some of the homework the adviser suggested so I make sure I know the government policies, and then I have to look for jobs.
A post of good things is coming soon.
I'm feeling pretty crappy. I've been back in Vancouver for three weeks now and I don't know what I've been doing with myself. I keep thinking that I'm on top of things one minute and then the next I realize that I've forgotten ten details so I'm actually not. I went to talk to an international student adviser at UBC yesterday and it was frustrating as hell because it reconfirmed that there's really no way to be sure that I'm doing things right because there's conflicting information everywhere and no one to go to for definite answers. Basically, finishing in December was dumb. It's created more work for me in terms of going to advising for confirmation of graduation (which they told me in October or November I couldn't get until March, and then gave me yesterday in ten minutes when I went in yesterday), explaining to employers, and figuring out how long I actually have to find a job. Turns out that my initial belief was correct, and I have until late March. So if I'm going to stay in Vancouver like I want to then I have a bit less than two months to find a job. And all the paperwork looks more complicated than I thought it was. For a while yesterday I was thinking of just saying "Screw it!" and going back to California, but then I decided that that's lame and I should be willing to work for what I want.
Another thing frustrating the heck out of me is that I've been doing what I usually do when I get stressed, which is retreat into myself and not communicate with other people. This is not good because it means that I sit here doubting myself, neglecting people I would actually like to talk to and see, and it makes me lazy. I've been so lazy and I haven't been able make myself stop. Part of it is that I've been exhausted and I can't seem to get energy. I've been sleeping badly and I can't figure out why and everything I've tried hasn't been working. It's not like serious insomnia or anything, but it's enough that I wake up feeling drained and I just can't seem to get going. The frequent stomach aches aren't helping either. I know that the stress is making them worse, but it's one of those cycles where I get a stomach ache and then I worry it will impede my day and so that stresses me out and the discomfort lasts longer. Luckily they've been more uncomfortable than painful, but it's one more thing draining me.
I feel so silly writing all this out because compared to a lot of things it's really not bad. And there's been lots of good, but I'm feeling like I'm old and immature and pathetic. I know that I'm not, but that's not making a difference.
I'm hoping that now that I've purged out most of my nasty feelings I'll be able to start again. This morning I'm supposed to email all the people I've been meaning to talk to but haven't, and then I need to do some of the homework the adviser suggested so I make sure I know the government policies, and then I have to look for jobs.
A post of good things is coming soon.