x - 0028 [Providence]
[Private | Easily hackable due to curse]
I cling like a drowning man to the notion of my own free will, denying the concept of Fate. Of the inevitable; the unstoppable, insurmountable end crafted by shadowy figures past accountability, beyond comprehension or effect. I have to believe that everything I've done, everything I have yet to do, is not in vain; that our fight against a future held in the hands of men who'd burn the world to save themselves is not doomed. But I think I'd rather fail than know that it was preordained, that my actions have made no difference-- that I was merely moving through motions written for me, playing a part devised by someone, something else.
But our free will here is easily tossed aside by the whims of those who call themselves Deities; and we find ourselves waking from the living dream, facing the consequences of actions that are not our own. Things we've done with no volition. To what extent can we-- should we-- be held responsible for things we do under this unwelcome influence? Is it unreasonable to be angry, to be guilty, to feel the effects? How can we help but feel some things?
Maybe what unsettles me is the suspicion that what I did wasn't so off base, that I didn't seek solace with some stranger only because I was irrational, but because some part of me wanted it. Every aspect of it; not only the physical satiation, but the lash of spiteful inattentiveness it represented. What the hell am I supposed to do, when the details are unspoken and unacknowledged? What do I owe, what do I receive in return? What a selfish way of looking at it...
I've sought to maintain a naive chivalry of sorts, a wordless assurance of an unhurried state of readiness. Asking nothing and offering everything. What if this was a manifestation of subdued impatience, a contrary and spiteful corner of my subconscious taking advantage of a situation beyond rational boundaries, rational control? Or am I manufacturing a restless dissatisfaction based on actions with no bearing on normalcy, just to assuage a falsely guilty conscience?
Why is this bothering me now?
[ /Private ]
Something's up today, but I'm not sure what. Speaking of which... considering the new City guide (guides? I know at least one person was planning to write one, and at least one other person already has,) I wonder if it would be beneficial to try and compile a list of them? Obviously we can't document everything, and some of them are tricky to identify... but it might give new arrivals a better idea of what to expect.
Think it's worthwhile? And, would anyone be interested in contributing to the project?
Your Negative Side;
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you are inclined to keep your feelings and innermost thoughts to yourself. A sense of loneliness or isolation frequently accompanies this period of time, or depression and a general sense of pessimism. Domestic problems may also accompany this influence, usually because you feel that in some way your domestic life is not giving you what it should. This is part of a larger feeling that you are not getting support or assistance from anyone or anything, which may or may not be true. Your real problem is either that you are cut off from your emotions or that your emotions are too unpleasant to deal with. This influence may force you to briefly experience what you consider to be your negative side. Thus there is a strong conflict between what you think of yourself and what you think you should be.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today: Moon Conjunction Saturn, ☽☌♄, exact at 16:54
activity period from 20 March 2009 to 21 March 2009
[ooc: SOB I LOVE THIS HOROSCOPE. *_____* Anyway. Waay back when with the Mardi Gras curse, Mulder went out and slept with... random NPC chick #5, I guess... annnnd is now preoccupied with that re: his horoscopey emotional isolation blah blah blah. :3 FEEL FREE TO HACK HIM.]
I cling like a drowning man to the notion of my own free will, denying the concept of Fate. Of the inevitable; the unstoppable, insurmountable end crafted by shadowy figures past accountability, beyond comprehension or effect. I have to believe that everything I've done, everything I have yet to do, is not in vain; that our fight against a future held in the hands of men who'd burn the world to save themselves is not doomed. But I think I'd rather fail than know that it was preordained, that my actions have made no difference-- that I was merely moving through motions written for me, playing a part devised by someone, something else.
But our free will here is easily tossed aside by the whims of those who call themselves Deities; and we find ourselves waking from the living dream, facing the consequences of actions that are not our own. Things we've done with no volition. To what extent can we-- should we-- be held responsible for things we do under this unwelcome influence? Is it unreasonable to be angry, to be guilty, to feel the effects? How can we help but feel some things?
Maybe what unsettles me is the suspicion that what I did wasn't so off base, that I didn't seek solace with some stranger only because I was irrational, but because some part of me wanted it. Every aspect of it; not only the physical satiation, but the lash of spiteful inattentiveness it represented. What the hell am I supposed to do, when the details are unspoken and unacknowledged? What do I owe, what do I receive in return? What a selfish way of looking at it...
I've sought to maintain a naive chivalry of sorts, a wordless assurance of an unhurried state of readiness. Asking nothing and offering everything. What if this was a manifestation of subdued impatience, a contrary and spiteful corner of my subconscious taking advantage of a situation beyond rational boundaries, rational control? Or am I manufacturing a restless dissatisfaction based on actions with no bearing on normalcy, just to assuage a falsely guilty conscience?
Why is this bothering me now?
[ /Private ]
Something's up today, but I'm not sure what. Speaking of which... considering the new City guide (guides? I know at least one person was planning to write one, and at least one other person already has,) I wonder if it would be beneficial to try and compile a list of them? Obviously we can't document everything, and some of them are tricky to identify... but it might give new arrivals a better idea of what to expect.
Think it's worthwhile? And, would anyone be interested in contributing to the project?
Your Negative Side;
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you are inclined to keep your feelings and innermost thoughts to yourself. A sense of loneliness or isolation frequently accompanies this period of time, or depression and a general sense of pessimism. Domestic problems may also accompany this influence, usually because you feel that in some way your domestic life is not giving you what it should. This is part of a larger feeling that you are not getting support or assistance from anyone or anything, which may or may not be true. Your real problem is either that you are cut off from your emotions or that your emotions are too unpleasant to deal with. This influence may force you to briefly experience what you consider to be your negative side. Thus there is a strong conflict between what you think of yourself and what you think you should be.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today: Moon Conjunction Saturn, ☽☌♄, exact at 16:54
activity period from 20 March 2009 to 21 March 2009
[ooc: SOB I LOVE THIS HOROSCOPE. *_____* Anyway. Waay back when with the Mardi Gras curse, Mulder went out and slept with... random NPC chick #5, I guess... annnnd is now preoccupied with that re: his horoscopey emotional isolation blah blah blah. :3 FEEL FREE TO HACK HIM.]