(no subject)
I figured I ought to balance out the rather gloomy entries of most of my classmates with a more optimistic one...
Things aren't nearly as bad as I originally feared they were. At least, things are bearable. There's no sense in crying over spilt milk, as my mum always says -- crying never fixed anything as far as I've ever heard.
I still feel like my insides are composed entirely of shards of broken glass -- every movement stabs, every memory is painful. Sometimes I think it might be all right if I didn't lay awake until it was nearly morning every night with the nasty things we've said to each other still ringing in my ears.
I'd like to say good riddance to all of it, but the truth is, I'm angry. Mostly at myself -- after all, I'd managed to resist any inkling of affection for James Potter for years...and quite well, at that. Was it the constant, slow, relentless chipping away at my defenses that finally caught up to me? Why -- WHY -- did I ever listen to Sirius, to Remus, to my own mother? Why hadn't I clapped my hands over my ears and run from the room? God, if only I had never let the idea of him in...
It's a little late for "if only's" now, though.
[Private]
Things aren't nearly as bad as I originally feared they were. At least, things are bearable. There's no sense in crying over spilt milk, as my mum always says -- crying never fixed anything as far as I've ever heard.
I still feel like my insides are composed entirely of shards of broken glass -- every movement stabs, every memory is painful. Sometimes I think it might be all right if I didn't lay awake until it was nearly morning every night with the nasty things we've said to each other still ringing in my ears.
I'd like to say good riddance to all of it, but the truth is, I'm angry. Mostly at myself -- after all, I'd managed to resist any inkling of affection for James Potter for years...and quite well, at that. Was it the constant, slow, relentless chipping away at my defenses that finally caught up to me? Why -- WHY -- did I ever listen to Sirius, to Remus, to my own mother? Why hadn't I clapped my hands over my ears and run from the room? God, if only I had never let the idea of him in...
It's a little late for "if only's" now, though.
[Private]