hands are reaching up to touch my thigh
I got up early and voted. Came home and have been relaxing. I've been getting a lot of love! my mom sent flowers and my brother sent me a box of fun geekery from thinkgeek.
I'm not feeling the greatest physically, but I'm starting to feel better emotionally.
When we were in the Cape, I caved to my desire to wallow in sorrow and I read through Cari's livejournal. I had expected it to make me sadder, to make the loss harder. In a way it did, but it also made me so happy to be surrounded by the essence of her, the memories. It was a net positive, and I am very glad that we connected there so that I could have a touchstone to those times from her point of view.
Two days ago, I broke down and sobbed at my husband (again). There was an emotional turmoil that I couldn't really resolve.
Yesterday I spent the day reading my old livejournal. It astounds me how much of that time I'd forgotten, and how much even with the journal reminders that I've totally lost. I knew that Cari and I had been close, and I knew that we'd hung out when we could when we lived near each other, but I didn't remember just HOW HUGE a part of each other's lives we really were. My heart knew, but my brain didn't and it was tearing me up to have that disconnect. It kills me to know that my illness stole those precious memories from me, but I'm so very glad that I committed as much as I did to the lj.
this was the first day that we'd met in person: http://aoi-no-yume.livejournal.com/82306.html
this was the first day I'd realized that I was really and truly in love with her: http://aoi-no-yume.livejournal.com/87969.html
Cari was not the first time I'd had strong feelings for someone and set those feelings aside to maintain the status quo. I'd done the same with Dan, before he finally whittled down my resolve. Cari is the first girl, the only girl, that I've been really in love with. She made me consider that all of the things I've been told and raised to believe about love and sex and relationships might be wrong.
I told her that I loved her before she died, and she told me that she loved me. It was a casual thing, but still important. I never told her that I was in love with her. But everyone who knew her was in love with Cari. I can't blame them. She was a brilliant shining star.
Now that I've spent time revisiting my old feelings, and accepting them for what they are, and realizing just how very important she was to me, even though I hadn't seen her in years (illnesses and work and school and all the moving we both did does that)... now that I've done that, there's a peace. I'm still torn up with sadness and loss, but the turmoil and guilt have subsided. Hopefully for good.
I had lost all of the photos of the two of us together. I found this HORRIBLE photo of me, Cari and Cari's friend Theresa on her old myspace. We liked to dress up fancy. It was always good times.
Originally posted @ http://calliopeoracle.dreamwidth.org/8836.html
I'm not feeling the greatest physically, but I'm starting to feel better emotionally.
When we were in the Cape, I caved to my desire to wallow in sorrow and I read through Cari's livejournal. I had expected it to make me sadder, to make the loss harder. In a way it did, but it also made me so happy to be surrounded by the essence of her, the memories. It was a net positive, and I am very glad that we connected there so that I could have a touchstone to those times from her point of view.
Two days ago, I broke down and sobbed at my husband (again). There was an emotional turmoil that I couldn't really resolve.
Yesterday I spent the day reading my old livejournal. It astounds me how much of that time I'd forgotten, and how much even with the journal reminders that I've totally lost. I knew that Cari and I had been close, and I knew that we'd hung out when we could when we lived near each other, but I didn't remember just HOW HUGE a part of each other's lives we really were. My heart knew, but my brain didn't and it was tearing me up to have that disconnect. It kills me to know that my illness stole those precious memories from me, but I'm so very glad that I committed as much as I did to the lj.
this was the first day that we'd met in person: http://aoi-no-yume.livejournal.com/82306.html
this was the first day I'd realized that I was really and truly in love with her: http://aoi-no-yume.livejournal.com/87969.html
Cari was not the first time I'd had strong feelings for someone and set those feelings aside to maintain the status quo. I'd done the same with Dan, before he finally whittled down my resolve. Cari is the first girl, the only girl, that I've been really in love with. She made me consider that all of the things I've been told and raised to believe about love and sex and relationships might be wrong.
I told her that I loved her before she died, and she told me that she loved me. It was a casual thing, but still important. I never told her that I was in love with her. But everyone who knew her was in love with Cari. I can't blame them. She was a brilliant shining star.
Now that I've spent time revisiting my old feelings, and accepting them for what they are, and realizing just how very important she was to me, even though I hadn't seen her in years (illnesses and work and school and all the moving we both did does that)... now that I've done that, there's a peace. I'm still torn up with sadness and loss, but the turmoil and guilt have subsided. Hopefully for good.
I had lost all of the photos of the two of us together. I found this HORRIBLE photo of me, Cari and Cari's friend Theresa on her old myspace. We liked to dress up fancy. It was always good times.
Originally posted @ http://calliopeoracle.dreamwidth.org/8836.html