Not much to report lately (Except for the house ghost manifesting strong enough to try to drag someone out of bed through a circle of salt) So here's a chunk of my book. Rock out
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It's pretty good, but you really have to work on some redundancies/grammar.
Nika’s entire body convulsed, a quick spasm that brought her halfway out of reliving nightmarish memories. Her eyes flew open as she was yanked from sleep in a panic. For a moment she was eight years old again, locked in The Casket, and the water was covering her. Panic swept wildly through her in a quick flash.
You say that she was overcome with panic twice. Also, in the second sentence you have an adverb ("wildly") and an adverbial phrase ("in a quick flash") which make the sentence a bit lumbering - not good for when you're trying to portray quickness.
She thrashed and instinctively cried out…or she would have, if a strange plastic device hadn’t been occupying her mouth, hissing out chill air that tasted nauseatingly like plastic.
Of course it tastes like plastic! You just said she has plastic in her mouth! Also, you need to put spaces between ellipses. ("I ... can't.")
The plastic device in her mouth was giving her air via a tube, a breathing
( ... )
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Nika’s entire body convulsed, a quick spasm that brought her halfway out of reliving nightmarish memories. Her eyes flew open as she was yanked from sleep in a panic. For a moment she was eight years old again, locked in The Casket, and the water was covering her. Panic swept wildly through her in a quick flash.
You say that she was overcome with panic twice. Also, in the second sentence you have an adverb ("wildly") and an adverbial phrase ("in a quick flash") which make the sentence a bit lumbering - not good for when you're trying to portray quickness.
She thrashed and instinctively cried out…or she would have, if a strange plastic device hadn’t been occupying her mouth, hissing out chill air that tasted nauseatingly like plastic.
Of course it tastes like plastic! You just said she has plastic in her mouth! Also, you need to put spaces between ellipses. ("I ... can't.")
The plastic device in her mouth was giving her air via a tube, a breathing ( ... )
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