The Million Dollar Question(s)
It's been a while since I last updated. I always think to myself that I should start writing more often, but the problem is
I guess I just don't like myself oh-so-much these days. I know I'm being harder on myself than I should be, but I just can't help it. I just feel lost. I've always been the person who knows what the plan is, who's had a plan. Hell, I just made a list of things I'm doing tomorrow - in what order, at what time, and how long it's going to take. That's how I am and what makes me feel safe, relaxed, and comfortable. The problem is that currently I have no plan for my life.
I can't figure out what I want to do or where I'm going. The plan literally changes from day to day depending on my mood. One day I'm buying a new condo/house and staying at my job, the next I'm quitting the job and going back to school full time for my Masters (in God knows what). Next week I'll be staying at the job and going back to school part-time. I've always had a definite plan, and now I can't seem to choose between a dozen reasonable possibilities.
My therapist tells me to pick what will make me happy, what does make me happy, no matter what that option is. Unfortunately that's easier said than done because I have no idea what makes me happy. I know it sounds absurd, but I don't think I've been happy in nearly a decade. I've had periods of contentment or of not being unhappy. But actual happiness? I honestly can't say I know what the feels like as an adult. In fact, I think I spent a lot of the past few years subconsciously sabotaging chances at happiness. So how am I supposed to know what path to take to achieve it.
I think that's why I've been ping-ponging around so much as well. Why I go from throwing myself at Dragon Con to throwing myself at a web site to throwing myself at [insert random hobby here]. And I hate it, because I feel it makes people view me as being wishy-washy or noncommittal when I'm not. I'm just trying to find that thing that I enjoy and can say, "This is it!" So far that search has been a wash, and I actually feel like I'm falling farther and farther off track. Le suck.
I hate being that person. The flaky and confused one who can't figure out what the hell is going on. Or the mopey one always questioning their purpose in life. It's not like I'm living on friend's couches and shit, or constantly breaking out into tears, but it FEELS like that's what I should be doing because emotionally I'm already there. See...confused.
What I have decided for certain:
1) I'm going to take the GMAT in late May, just in case. So I'm going to start studying this month.
2) I am NOT buying a place any time soon. With being so confused about my future I don't think it's so smart to commit to a mortgage and lock myself into a career and location.
3) I am focusing all my resources on vacations and paying off my bills. I need a bit of fun in my life, and when I'm not doing that I really want to try and get the bills down to as low as possible in case I do decide to forgo the job altogether.
It's not much, but it's a start.
I guess I just don't like myself oh-so-much these days. I know I'm being harder on myself than I should be, but I just can't help it. I just feel lost. I've always been the person who knows what the plan is, who's had a plan. Hell, I just made a list of things I'm doing tomorrow - in what order, at what time, and how long it's going to take. That's how I am and what makes me feel safe, relaxed, and comfortable. The problem is that currently I have no plan for my life.
I can't figure out what I want to do or where I'm going. The plan literally changes from day to day depending on my mood. One day I'm buying a new condo/house and staying at my job, the next I'm quitting the job and going back to school full time for my Masters (in God knows what). Next week I'll be staying at the job and going back to school part-time. I've always had a definite plan, and now I can't seem to choose between a dozen reasonable possibilities.
My therapist tells me to pick what will make me happy, what does make me happy, no matter what that option is. Unfortunately that's easier said than done because I have no idea what makes me happy. I know it sounds absurd, but I don't think I've been happy in nearly a decade. I've had periods of contentment or of not being unhappy. But actual happiness? I honestly can't say I know what the feels like as an adult. In fact, I think I spent a lot of the past few years subconsciously sabotaging chances at happiness. So how am I supposed to know what path to take to achieve it.
I think that's why I've been ping-ponging around so much as well. Why I go from throwing myself at Dragon Con to throwing myself at a web site to throwing myself at [insert random hobby here]. And I hate it, because I feel it makes people view me as being wishy-washy or noncommittal when I'm not. I'm just trying to find that thing that I enjoy and can say, "This is it!" So far that search has been a wash, and I actually feel like I'm falling farther and farther off track. Le suck.
I hate being that person. The flaky and confused one who can't figure out what the hell is going on. Or the mopey one always questioning their purpose in life. It's not like I'm living on friend's couches and shit, or constantly breaking out into tears, but it FEELS like that's what I should be doing because emotionally I'm already there. See...confused.
What I have decided for certain:
1) I'm going to take the GMAT in late May, just in case. So I'm going to start studying this month.
2) I am NOT buying a place any time soon. With being so confused about my future I don't think it's so smart to commit to a mortgage and lock myself into a career and location.
3) I am focusing all my resources on vacations and paying off my bills. I need a bit of fun in my life, and when I'm not doing that I really want to try and get the bills down to as low as possible in case I do decide to forgo the job altogether.
It's not much, but it's a start.