Who The Fuck Am I Anyway? (tagged for open discussion of sexuality and genderqueer-ness)
I believe i am closer to answering this question now than i have been.
- First, I left my job. Well, right now it's a leave of absence for medical issues, but the truth is that i am getting evaluated for psychological disorders-- mental illness, if you will-- and I am not planning on ever going back. That job has been killing me slowly for over a decade. Public education is in a downward spiral, and it's a hellish place to be. I'm 100% done with its shit.
- Second, I am sorting out my sexuality and gender identity. Although it's said that no one is 100% straight or gay, i always identified as straight and cis-gender. That's the bubble i grew up in. Now as i reach into my 40's i realize that neither of those labels are true. Sexually, I am more more comfortable with the concept of demi-sexuality. Demisexuals require an emotional connection to feel sexual desire, but gender identity doesn't matter. Which explains a shitload of 'odd' behaviour, like when i had a desperate crush on my best friend (who was a girl) in high school. And how i can find people asthetically pleasing but be completely unaffected by them. And why I love my husband and feel more comfortable around him the longer we are together.
- Third, I also am not entirely cis. People like us used to be called tomboys. I really identify with the term 'twospirit' because it embodies both a male and a female gender identification. I suppose i could also use the term 'genderfluid.' Except it sounds like something that could leak.
- To add on to all of that, i am being evaluated for panic disorder, PTSD, major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and social disorder. I think a lot of this has to do with constantly having to check myself-- to be continually aware that most of what makes me a person is 'inappropriate' in my (former) job as a teacher. Like, to be an acceptable teacher, i have to pretend that I am always respectful, that i'm straight, that i'm cis, that i'm in control. What craziness is that? Especially in middle school, these kids are losing their ever-loving minds. We are just presenting them with a fake facade to fail to live up to. Not only in my job, but i have always censored my life-- at church because i feel like i would not be welcomed or even tolerated if i were truthful, even though i am living an outwardly-appearing gendernormative life. My parents just absolutely would not get it. Only in the last few months have i begun speaking about it to my husband, and because I CHOSE WELL IN MARRIAGE he has been an awesome ally.
- I guess it is significant that I test as INFP personality type. My enneagram is "Peacemaker." Both of these carry the fear of criticism and conflict, and the lack of self-assertion. So basically, repression is a skill i've cultivated my entire life.