(Untitled)

[cameron_frye]

I wrote a poem today in 4th, not my usual styling.
I read it in the reading during 8th, and had Ms. Lawrence read it beforehand.
She said I was truly a fine-tuned poet, and I appreciate that she said that.. But well, she praises everyone's writing, though she does praise some much more emphatically than others. This was one of those times where

Comments

[sunflower_blues]

i love it as is.

[cameron_frye]

why thank you darling ♥

[tweedish]

there's a lot of tinkering i want to do with this, so i'll just do it, and you can take what you like.

i think you ought to do away with some of the commas - there are better ways to create flow and pauses than with commas. line breaks can do it even.

Bland and in the middle,
ivory behind the pearl,
whispers among hushes,
tea-wash rain as grey as Earl.

i think you could make a few small changes here, like :

Bland and in the middle
with ivory behind pearl,
there are whispers among the hushes
and tea-wash rain grey as Earl.

i like the tea-wash rain a lot.

for some reason, i want lady kelp to be surrendering to the wind. i think it works. i'm not sure what you think of that though.

i don't think the last stanza wraps it up as strong as it could..."i'll fish with my own heart" could be said with different words. i'm not sure how much of a critique you want, and i should get back to mixing photo chemicals, but i'll tell you more later if you want.

[cameron_frye]

Thank you Kirsten, you're helping just how I needed. I couldn't help myself though, I'm not good with revision, but like most people, editing can't be done by themselves because it's usually too little or too much editing.
I love what you did with the first stanza (right word use?) like that. It works much better. You took the vegetables I prepared and stewed them to perfection.
However, I'm not sure if Lady Kelp "surrendering" to the wind fits. It does sound nicely, but it makes her sound tired or weakened. She's a more powerful enigma, an onimous one but subtle at the same time..
I also agree with the the thought that the last stanza could be said differently. What are you thoughts on it? I'd love to know, it'd help a lot. Take your time though, no rush.
Thank you, Kirsten! You've helped me a lot.
Marque.

[scumcandy]

I'm not sure. I'll think on it.

[cameron_frye]

ok

[dirtykitchensex]

Marque, I swear I'm going to comment.
I've just spent too long updating and now I have to go get my brother.
I'm sorry. Really, honestly, truly- I am. Sorry.

[cameron_frye]

It's ok, do it when you have the time, I'm fine.
I really just made that entry where I said I was peeved that no one had commented because I was getting anxious..
Really though, take your time, it's fine.
Thank you Clara.
I love you,
Marque

hi

[fauxfraud]

this is really rather crazy but i was looking in the thrift whore community clicked on your icon and got her accidently, started reading and liked what i read:) wanna be friends? :)

shelly

Re: hi

[cameron_frye]

Why not, you seem pretty swank yourself.
Be warned though: I am an LJ user which means I'm liable to WHINE.
But never take me too seriously. Unless I start a sentence with "Seriously,"
Anyway, yes, friended♥

Re: hi

[fauxfraud]

lovely :)