musesandlyrics | 1.23. Sarah Blasko lyrics
1.23. And then I'm in your arms I'll try to relax
Don't want to lie awake all night wondering where we're at
Oh this tossing and turning won't clear these blues away
When I am longing just to hear you say
'No Turning Back' - Sarah Blasko
Co-written with isabelowens
[Follows THIS]
Cameron realised that somewhere over the course of the morning, he'd hit a peak in his emotions. It happened every time Pat got sick and the hours continued to tick away that he didn't wake up or show signs of improvement. The adrenaline stopped pumping and being able to maintain the rollercoaster of emotions became impossible, falling flat and giving way to just an exhausted numbness. Aiden was practically out cold in the arm chair in the corner of Pat's room looking about as comfortable as a frog in a blender. He had a blanket tucked around him, courtesy of Mrs Brennan who had come to be on hand until Cameron and Pat's own parents arrived. So far, they had been having trouble getting on a flight and were waiting at Heathrow for a standby. Cameron knew Aiden wasn't well himself, and he was trying his best to help him out, but his own stamina was little to none. The only person he had told about his knee was Izzy, and he hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy. It was all sitting heavily in his heart, already on top of worrying about Pat, worrying if he was even going to be okay when he woke up. There was always the risk he wouldn't be.
He stood up stiffly from the plastic chair beside Pat's bed, trying to make sure he didn't make too much noise as he collected his crutches. He had to move a little, or his leg would pack it in totally. He hadn't slept, he hadn't eaten. Coke, coffee and medication were the only things getting into his system. He felt that if he even tried to eat, he was just going to throw up. He watched Aiden for a few moments, that anxiety nibbling away in his gut again, before he slowly made his way to the end of the bed to get some movement in his leg. It was killing him, and that was bothering him too. His doctors had mentioned a possible need for a second operation on on it to repair some tendons there. Cameron had tried to ignore that. It was just another thing he had to try and sort through.
Izzy leaned against the edge of the doorway, watching Cameron quietly. Ever since she'd talked to James online she had felt slightly guilty for asking him to come, but she needed her best friend. She needed him to just come and tell her it would be okay. She was selfish, and she knew it. She just knew she couldn't ask Ali while she was pregnant, and trying to work out wedding plans. Besides, in a weird way Izzy was also trying to look after Harri by getting her partner to come here.
When she saw the strain on Cameron's face, and the twinge of pain she moved into the room and reached out her hand. All she wanted to do was take back most of the last few weeks and try and do this all over again. And have Pat awake and fine, and Cameron talking to his brother. Hell, she'd even take away his knee pain if she could. "You okay, Preston?"
Cameron managed a small smile when he saw Izzy there, but it was tight and strained. "Yeah," was his first response and then he shook his head. "No, not really. I don't know. Yeah, I guess. Sort of." He played back over the words in his head, realising they must just be channeling the mess in his head. He reached to take her hand, his weight mostly on his good side anyway.
Iz slid her fingers between his and held his hand tightly as she moved in close, but gave him space to keep moving if he wanted to work his leg. "You don't have to be okay. Just so you know. No one's expecting you to be strong, least of all me. I'm a big girl, I can take it. You're allowed to talk to me about any of it," she told him quietly. Iz reached up with her other hand and pushed her hair back from her face. "I'm here for you."
Cameron looked over her face, the pain evident on his features and in his eyes. He wet his dry lips as he tried to figure out exactly what he wanted to say. Right now, he couldn't figure out where the pain was coming from anymore. His knee hurt, sure, but so did his head and his arms felt weak. It had to be Pat. He just didn't know anymore, only knew enough to know Pat was in pain, even if he was asleep. "I wouldn't even know where to start," he told her hoarsely and shifted back just a tiny bit so he could stretch his shoulders and try to relieve some of the tension radiating down his neck and back. "You don't need any of it. I'm trying somewhere here to protect you and realising I'm failing miserably."
"Turn around," Isabel urged, nodding her head as she squeezed his hand. She let go, and put both hands on his shoulders as she started to try and at least help him get that tension out, massaging her thumbs against the muscle. "I know you are, you're sweet for it. I can't tell you how much I love you for trying to protect me. But you have to realise that I'm allowed to protect you sometimes, and this is one of them. Or at least just make sure you feel safe enough to talk. You're not failing, maybe just getting it a bit ass backwards."
"Story of my life," Cameron hissed as she hit a sensitive spot with her fingers, causing him to drop his shoulders a little and take his weight on the crutches. He looked over at Aiden again, remembering how much he had gotten it ass backwards with Pat's wedding news. "It's knowing how to talk to someone who's not Pat. Or Lachlan. They're about the only people I ever confide in when things fuck up in my wake. And I get worried you're going to take things the wrong way if I offload onto you."
"Can you call Lachlan?" Izzy asked, focusing on the sensitive spot. It would probably cause him pain, but in the long run it would be worth it. "I won't take things the wrong way. I know I can be a bitch when I want, but I just want you to know that you can trust me."
Cameron had bit down on his lip. It really was painful and it was taking all his self-control not to make more noise in response. "Even if the issue of the pregnancy comes up?" he asked quietly, eyes on a motionless Pat on the bed. "Lachlan had to go home for a bit. Riley was running a temperature."
"Yeah, even if. It's not like it's been perfect. I know that, Cam. I know it better than anyone. We should be able to talk about this stuff," she said quietly, her eyes on his shoulders as she continued to press, and massage the knot of muscle. "Shit, I hope Riley's okay."
Cameron dipped his head forward a little, looking down at his feet as he pressed his lips together through the pain. "I know we should. My head's just... it feels like it's stopped working. I can feel Pat's pain, it's just like a dull awareness constantly there. Pain is something he can't avoid during an attack, it's what drains him. My parents are coming over, and I'm going to have to tell them about the pregnancy. I can't keep things like that from my family, and then in saying that, I'm keeping it from my brother and brother-in-law because it's going to hurt them, and I'm trying to put that off as long as I can." He let out a shaky breath and moved his injured leg. "They think it's just his teeth. He was off all morning, screaming whenever anyone but his Mum or Dad held him. I love the kid, but I have no idea how I could cope like Tara and Lachlan do, and that's screwing with my head too."
"So your parents are coming, and I get to meet them for the first time while also breaking their hearts?" Iz let out a hollow laugh. "This is going to be fun... It's bad enough meeting the parents normally, let alone like this. I'm sorry, Cam. I'm so sorry for everything. I never meant to make everything such a fucking mess. I never meant for you to feel like you couldn't talk to Pat... Maybe you should try telling Aiden before your parents? They're bound to want to find out how he's feeling." Izzy sucked in a breath. "The same way Ali does it. She had a lot to get through as well, but Sunshine needed her. You just find a way to deal."
Cameron's stomach was just churning with negative anticipation. "Yeah, I'm not sure we were ever going to get the hearts and flowery meet the parents situation. They wouldn't even be coming over if Pat wasn't so sick." He looked at Pat again, that feeling like he was going to cry catching in this throat again. "He's so sick... this is all just, I don't know. I don't know what it is anymore. Aiden's exhausted, but I'm more than aware the longer I sit on it, the worse the reaction is going to be. If I keep waiting, Aiden's going to tear me a new one from keeping something like this from Pat, no matter what the outcome is, and I've seen Aiden angry. It's not pretty. He's not going to let me hurt Pat, and I can't blame him for that. And I still, through everything, don't know how this is all going to work," he told her helplessly and put his hand to his head. It was aching again. It had been aching on and off since Pat got sick.
Iz stopped rubbing his back and moved around in front of Cameron to cradle his head against her shoulder as she made soothing noises. Part of her wished they could just do this curled up in bed, but she supposed that was what had got them in trouble in the first place. They were good physical comfort with each other, and were still finding their feet with the emotional. She pushed her fingers up into his hair, now rubbing her fingertips against his scalp. "Neither do I, but we can't possibly work any of it out if we don't start by talking to people. Who knows, maybe they'll help us figure it out. Once they get past the anger..."
"Bugger it," Cameron said through a heavy exhalation. It wasn't to anything in particular, but more just a need for a rest from the bloody emotional rollercoaster. He bit down on his lip, closing his eyes for a few moments, even just in an attempt to rest them. "I guess I can stick around here until I know where I stand with my knee, so that's at least a year. I can't play this season at all or I might never even walk properly again. They think I need more surgery to repair some damage physio can't reach."
Izzy turned her head to brush a kiss to his cheek. "It'll give you a chance to be near Pat. Mend whatever rift is between you two. I'd.. I don't think I could ever bring myself to ask you to stay if it was only for me. Bad knee, or not."
Cameron looked at her pleadingly. "I don't know how to put anything but the game or Pat as a priority, but I'm trying to learn, okay? I'm trying here. I just know I'm fucking failing at it because whatever happens, I'm not the only one it affects." He was trying to keep his voice low so he didn't wake Aiden, but on the other hand, he really wanted to yell in frustration if it might wake Pat up. "And even if you asked, I couldn't promise I could stay. It's not just a matter of walking away from the game to stay. The game is my life. I have lived and breathed football for as long as I can remember. And I know it's probably not of the same level, but how you felt when you lost your best friend? That's close to how I've been feeling trying to accept I might never play again."
Iz felt tears sting the backs of her eyes and she squeezed them shut. "I don't want you to walk away. From your life, or the game, or your brother. I don't want you to have to give up anything to be with me. It's not what being in a relationship is about. Same as I don't expect you to ask me to quit my job, or do anything like that. You're a footballer. It's who you are, it's part of you being the man I love. And I do love you, Cameron. You have to know that. As insane as all fuck everything is right now... I do love you. You saved me when I needed it, and I guess I just want to be able to do the same. We'll figure it out. I've got to get used to not running away, and you need to learn about priorities. We're both going to stumble, and make mistakes. The difference is picking each other up afterwards and knowing we're still there for each other."
Cameron juggled his crutches so he could put his arm around her. "I'm sorry I can't be the perfect partner here. I wish I knew how to do it. I see all my mates and family around me doing it and pulling it off like they're made for it, but I just can't tap into it. When Pat is like this, I feel like something inside me is dying. And I just need you to know it's not that I'm freaked out about the pregnancy, which yeah, I am, but I know it's not the end of the world. Whatever happens with it. I just need Pat and I've never needed him so much before for something that's going to hurt him too."
"He'll wake up. He has to. It's okay," she whispered in his ear. Izzy was also trying to keep from waking up Aiden. She was glad that James told her to talk to Cameron though, starting to feel like a little of the weight was being lifted. "I don't need perfect. I've never wanted perfect. I just want you. And a giant caramel sundae with oodles of whiped cream and crushed nuts."
"I think you're outta luck. I don't think they sell ice cream here. At least not like that," Cameron told her quietly. Pat's heart monitor was beeping softly behind them and it was both comforting and disconcerting all at once. It seemed Pat had picked up a minor infection which just acted like a line of falling dominoes on his health. His temperature had dropped, but now he just had to wake up so they knew where he was at with his recovery. "I'm sorry for all of this, but I'm relieved in a way. You're going to experience what this is all like, and what it's like being involved with my family. At least if we go in at the bottom, it can only get better right?"
"I might have to make a quick phone call, then." Iz was already hoping she'd catch James in time for her to bring her a sundae. She was getting him a burger, so it was only fair, right? Plus he had to be used to this stuff with Harri. Something twinged inside her, and she knew she had to have another talk to with Cameron, but it could wait. What they were already discussing was more important. "Right. It can only ever go up from here. You don't have to keep apologising, just so you know."
Cameron shifted back a little. "I just need to sit. I feel like I'm about eighty." He maneuvered the crutches back to a position if he could use them and went back to the seat beside Pat's bed that probably had an imprint of his arse now. "I don't know what else to do. It seems like all I can offer right now." He eased the crutches down onto the floor beside him and reflexively started adjusted Pat's blankets, a nervous habit he seemed to have picked up from Tara. He glanced up at Izzy. "Do you know how it happened?"
She frowned, coming to stand beside him. Her hand rest on his shoulder, and Izzy watch Pat's still face. "How what happened?"
"Getting pregnant," Cameron told her, needing to clear his throat after it. It was still weird for him to say that.
"Not anymore than when I told you. I keep trying to work out if we did anything different, or if maybe I forgot my pill... but I don't know. I really don't. I wish I did." Izzy frowned, her gaze shifting to Cameron's face. "I didn't trap you."
Cameron frowned and looked back at Pat, his hand going to his brother's like some sort of lifeline without him even realising what he was doing. "I didn't say you did. I just... I know there wasn't much chance for you to say much about it. I don't even know how pregnant you are. Length-wise, I mean. Term. Whatever they call it. I don't even know what they call it," he realised, feeling like a dipstick.
Izzy bent down to kiss the top of his head, and perched herself on the arm rest. "Term. I think. And from what Ali was saying, I guess it's going on about ten, or eleven weeks now? I'm the same as her... I really don't know. I mean, that's why I asked you what you remembered us doing. I get if your brain wasn't exactly feeling cooperative though, since it was a massive shock. Mine went into shutdown mode. I still can't wrap my head around it."
"The same as..." Cameron trailed off, trying to process that. "Is that some best friend connection thing? That's just... does that mean we were having sex at exactly the same time she was?" he asked, eyes widening a little at the thought.
"It means it's highly possible," Iz conceded with a slight smirk. She kissed the top of Cameron's head again, and brushed her fingers through his hair. "Ali knows for sure she got pregnant while she and Andy were in Australia, so I had to have been knocked up around the same time. I don't know if it'd be exactly down to the minute, but it must be within a day, or two."
Cameron was still looking at her uncertainly. "What happens if you both go into labour at the same time?" he asked. "Do Andrew and I get to hide out in the cafeteria with full body armour?"
Isabel smiled as she looked down at him. "You can try, but we might still be cursing you both very, very loudly."
"Can I tell you something? It's probably going to sound really bad, and I don't even think anything like it now, but at first, I was just shocked..." Cameron looked up at her again. "I guess it was just after the whole baby shop thing."
"Which is understandable because I was a total fucking psycho cow in the baby shop," Iz replied as she made a face. She hated everything about that day. "And you can tell me anything. The psycho bitch left the building, promise."
Pat's hands were cold again, so Cameron rubbed at his fingers a little. "When you told me, I wondered for a minute if maybe it was James'," he admitted to her, looking at her apologetically. "When he came back into your life, I just assumed you'd want to... you know. But it's just because I didn't get how it could have been me. With my leg and all that. I just wouldn't have blamed if you were with him like that. I know I sound like a dick. It was just panic."
Izzy's head fell forward as her hair fell around her face. She looked down at her hand resting on her leg. "I did want to. I really, really did. That night when I saw him again... It was like everything came rushing back. I seriously wanted to fuck his brains out, but I didn't. Sometimes I regret not doing it because I still... He's James. I'm always going to feel something for him, and I'm sorry. I suck, and I'm the dick, but I just need to be honest. It's not as easy as I wanted it to be to just stop feeling for him. I haven't slept with him, though. At all. Not since he... died." Iz raised her head slowly and looked at Cameron, a lump forming in her throat. "He gave up on a chance for my kid to ever be his when he walked away. I asked him for a divorce."
"Yeah, I get it," Cameron told her, eyes resting on the edge of Pat's bed. "And I wouldn't have blamed you if you did. I probably would have. Actually, I thought you maybe had been with him but were just keeping it to yourself. It's got to be hard. It might have just been better for both of you if you did. It's hardly a textbook case, is it?" His nose scrunched up a tiny bit in contemplation. "I can't believe I'm telling a girl I'm interested in that I wouldn't mind if she slept with her ex, but I guess I'm more openminded than I thought."
"So you're still interested?" Izzy asked as she raised her eyebrows a little. "I wouldn't really blame you if you did just want to run in the opposite direction. Textbook case or not, the baggage I come with is pretty heavy. I know it couldn't be easy knowing all this shit. And yeah, it probably would have been easier if I had fucked him, but I didn't. I guess I can just slap him, and see if that has the same effect."
Cameron was quiet for a moment. "It's not like I don't have some heavy baggage myself. I can't even promise it's going to get lighter. If Pat's bad when he wakes up, a whole lot of shit could be on the horizon. I feel like I owe so much to Aiden, so I want to stick around this time now that I can and help him out so he's not alone. Last time, he did it all himself. Nursed Pat right through it, and never left his side. Still can't believe I went off the deep end when they told me they were married. He's everything Pat's always wanted." He looked at Izzy with a small smile. "James was everything you always wanted, but it was taken away. I'm not going to deny you what you had with him. I'm glad he's still in your life."
"I guess this mess is better than him really being dead. I'll just have to suck up the whatever it is I still feel and get on with it." Iz slid her arm around Cameron's shoulder as she rest her head against his. "And you're not alone either in this, okay? I'm here. I'll help you, Aiden, and Pat. You don't have to do it all on your own, even though I know you think you owe it to him. Maybe you did go a little crazy with the wedding news, but you said yourself you always thought you were going to get to see him on his wedding day. Just be glad you get to see him happily married every day. I think that's a huge deal. Aiden's an amazing guy."
Cameron had to laugh slightly. "Pat gets his bitch on when he has to recuperate. Don't be fooled by the sweet, adorable, pink, gay routine. He turns into Cruella DeVille, sans the doggy coat. It's not for the fainthearted. I'm pretty sure he could give the pregnant thing a run for its money." He gave Pat's hand a small squeeze and glanced back at Izzy. "If you want to get it out of your system, you can, you know. I'll just act oblivious, I won't even bring it up in conversation."
Izzy smiled, her gaze flicking to Cameron's twin as she imagined him as Cruella. "Somehow I think Pat will always have better fashion sense than her." She froze, her hand curling against her leg. She turned her head to look at Cameron, almost like she was trying to make sure she had just heard him. "I don't... I can't even imagine where to start with that. Besides the fact it's not just you. It's Harri as well. She's carrying his kid. I don't know if I could do that to her, or you. I'm carrying your kid. You really want me to get it out of my system like this? Even if you act oblivious."
Cameron wet his lips and nodded. It was probably a good thing Pat was unconcious and couldn't hear this, but Cameron was just following his gut now. There wasn't a rulebook for things like these. "Yeah, I know it's not just me, and I did think of Harri. I just figured we'd all be in a better headspace if you got it out of your system, you know? I mean, it's not like you haven't slept with him before. You're still married. Since you rocked up in my hospital room in Liverpool and told me it was James that pulled it off, I've been wondering if you would come to a point in your life where you needed closure from him. Closure neither of you had. Maybe it's just best you get it out now so you can move on. If sex is the way to do it, then..."
Iz moved to kneel down on the floor in front of Cameron, and took his face between her hands as she looked at him. "I don't know if I should thank you, or keep trying to be strong and just say no. I don't know how we're supposed to get closure. I just know we're both feeling all these things we used to... And I'm sorry. I am. I just... I never thought he'd come back from the dead. It's a headfuck. As glad as I am that he's okay, it's still a massive headfuck. I thought I'd grieved for him. For us."
"I guess it's why I freaked out when you told me you were pregnant. Well, one of the reasons, at least. I knew you were still married to him, and I know you still have some feelings for him. But I'm a pretty reasonable bloke, and not used to this relationship thing in any way. Which might be a good thing, because it's not going to feel like you're fucking around on me if you do it. I just want you to be able to find some peace with him. He's your best friend. I know he's to you what Lachlan is to Pat, just in a different sense. But it's a massive thing, and you did love him, maybe still do. It's not something you can just step away from. Maybe it's just because my leg has given me a huge wake up call. But not even that... this, having my brother this sick all over again, that's my wake up call. Life is just too fucking short and you can't control deep emotions. If you don't do something about this now, it will come back and bite you on the arse later. I know it will. I'm channelling Yodalan here, so you gotta take my word for it. It's gospel," Cameron told her with a faint, tired smile.
Izzy pulled him into a soft kiss, meeting his tired smile. "You're doing pretty good at this relationship stuff, you know. I wouldn't even know you were crap if you didn't keep reminding me. Besides, I'm no pin-up girl for any of this, either. Just... thank you for being you. You have no idea how amazing you really are." Isabel pulled back and ran her hands over his hair before she stood up and moved back to his side. "You should take a lesson from Aiden as well, and get some rest. I know you must be in pain, but just please try and sleep. Even just for a little while. I'll still be here."
Cameron leaned over so he could give her a kiss. "Thank you," he told her quietly. "And I just need you to know that I don't think it sucks that you're having my kid. At all."
"I don't think it sucks either," she told him softly as she brushed another kiss against his lips. Iz gave Cameron's shoulder a squeeze before she pulled back to leave him alone with his brother, and Aiden. And to hopefully let him rest. She pressed her hand against her stomach, feeling a tingle of nerves now that she knew James would still be coming to Princeton. And now that Cameron had effectively given them the go ahead for closure.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 4,925
Don't want to lie awake all night wondering where we're at
Oh this tossing and turning won't clear these blues away
When I am longing just to hear you say
'No Turning Back' - Sarah Blasko
Co-written with isabelowens
[Follows THIS]
Cameron realised that somewhere over the course of the morning, he'd hit a peak in his emotions. It happened every time Pat got sick and the hours continued to tick away that he didn't wake up or show signs of improvement. The adrenaline stopped pumping and being able to maintain the rollercoaster of emotions became impossible, falling flat and giving way to just an exhausted numbness. Aiden was practically out cold in the arm chair in the corner of Pat's room looking about as comfortable as a frog in a blender. He had a blanket tucked around him, courtesy of Mrs Brennan who had come to be on hand until Cameron and Pat's own parents arrived. So far, they had been having trouble getting on a flight and were waiting at Heathrow for a standby. Cameron knew Aiden wasn't well himself, and he was trying his best to help him out, but his own stamina was little to none. The only person he had told about his knee was Izzy, and he hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy. It was all sitting heavily in his heart, already on top of worrying about Pat, worrying if he was even going to be okay when he woke up. There was always the risk he wouldn't be.
He stood up stiffly from the plastic chair beside Pat's bed, trying to make sure he didn't make too much noise as he collected his crutches. He had to move a little, or his leg would pack it in totally. He hadn't slept, he hadn't eaten. Coke, coffee and medication were the only things getting into his system. He felt that if he even tried to eat, he was just going to throw up. He watched Aiden for a few moments, that anxiety nibbling away in his gut again, before he slowly made his way to the end of the bed to get some movement in his leg. It was killing him, and that was bothering him too. His doctors had mentioned a possible need for a second operation on on it to repair some tendons there. Cameron had tried to ignore that. It was just another thing he had to try and sort through.
Izzy leaned against the edge of the doorway, watching Cameron quietly. Ever since she'd talked to James online she had felt slightly guilty for asking him to come, but she needed her best friend. She needed him to just come and tell her it would be okay. She was selfish, and she knew it. She just knew she couldn't ask Ali while she was pregnant, and trying to work out wedding plans. Besides, in a weird way Izzy was also trying to look after Harri by getting her partner to come here.
When she saw the strain on Cameron's face, and the twinge of pain she moved into the room and reached out her hand. All she wanted to do was take back most of the last few weeks and try and do this all over again. And have Pat awake and fine, and Cameron talking to his brother. Hell, she'd even take away his knee pain if she could. "You okay, Preston?"
Cameron managed a small smile when he saw Izzy there, but it was tight and strained. "Yeah," was his first response and then he shook his head. "No, not really. I don't know. Yeah, I guess. Sort of." He played back over the words in his head, realising they must just be channeling the mess in his head. He reached to take her hand, his weight mostly on his good side anyway.
Iz slid her fingers between his and held his hand tightly as she moved in close, but gave him space to keep moving if he wanted to work his leg. "You don't have to be okay. Just so you know. No one's expecting you to be strong, least of all me. I'm a big girl, I can take it. You're allowed to talk to me about any of it," she told him quietly. Iz reached up with her other hand and pushed her hair back from her face. "I'm here for you."
Cameron looked over her face, the pain evident on his features and in his eyes. He wet his dry lips as he tried to figure out exactly what he wanted to say. Right now, he couldn't figure out where the pain was coming from anymore. His knee hurt, sure, but so did his head and his arms felt weak. It had to be Pat. He just didn't know anymore, only knew enough to know Pat was in pain, even if he was asleep. "I wouldn't even know where to start," he told her hoarsely and shifted back just a tiny bit so he could stretch his shoulders and try to relieve some of the tension radiating down his neck and back. "You don't need any of it. I'm trying somewhere here to protect you and realising I'm failing miserably."
"Turn around," Isabel urged, nodding her head as she squeezed his hand. She let go, and put both hands on his shoulders as she started to try and at least help him get that tension out, massaging her thumbs against the muscle. "I know you are, you're sweet for it. I can't tell you how much I love you for trying to protect me. But you have to realise that I'm allowed to protect you sometimes, and this is one of them. Or at least just make sure you feel safe enough to talk. You're not failing, maybe just getting it a bit ass backwards."
"Story of my life," Cameron hissed as she hit a sensitive spot with her fingers, causing him to drop his shoulders a little and take his weight on the crutches. He looked over at Aiden again, remembering how much he had gotten it ass backwards with Pat's wedding news. "It's knowing how to talk to someone who's not Pat. Or Lachlan. They're about the only people I ever confide in when things fuck up in my wake. And I get worried you're going to take things the wrong way if I offload onto you."
"Can you call Lachlan?" Izzy asked, focusing on the sensitive spot. It would probably cause him pain, but in the long run it would be worth it. "I won't take things the wrong way. I know I can be a bitch when I want, but I just want you to know that you can trust me."
Cameron had bit down on his lip. It really was painful and it was taking all his self-control not to make more noise in response. "Even if the issue of the pregnancy comes up?" he asked quietly, eyes on a motionless Pat on the bed. "Lachlan had to go home for a bit. Riley was running a temperature."
"Yeah, even if. It's not like it's been perfect. I know that, Cam. I know it better than anyone. We should be able to talk about this stuff," she said quietly, her eyes on his shoulders as she continued to press, and massage the knot of muscle. "Shit, I hope Riley's okay."
Cameron dipped his head forward a little, looking down at his feet as he pressed his lips together through the pain. "I know we should. My head's just... it feels like it's stopped working. I can feel Pat's pain, it's just like a dull awareness constantly there. Pain is something he can't avoid during an attack, it's what drains him. My parents are coming over, and I'm going to have to tell them about the pregnancy. I can't keep things like that from my family, and then in saying that, I'm keeping it from my brother and brother-in-law because it's going to hurt them, and I'm trying to put that off as long as I can." He let out a shaky breath and moved his injured leg. "They think it's just his teeth. He was off all morning, screaming whenever anyone but his Mum or Dad held him. I love the kid, but I have no idea how I could cope like Tara and Lachlan do, and that's screwing with my head too."
"So your parents are coming, and I get to meet them for the first time while also breaking their hearts?" Iz let out a hollow laugh. "This is going to be fun... It's bad enough meeting the parents normally, let alone like this. I'm sorry, Cam. I'm so sorry for everything. I never meant to make everything such a fucking mess. I never meant for you to feel like you couldn't talk to Pat... Maybe you should try telling Aiden before your parents? They're bound to want to find out how he's feeling." Izzy sucked in a breath. "The same way Ali does it. She had a lot to get through as well, but Sunshine needed her. You just find a way to deal."
Cameron's stomach was just churning with negative anticipation. "Yeah, I'm not sure we were ever going to get the hearts and flowery meet the parents situation. They wouldn't even be coming over if Pat wasn't so sick." He looked at Pat again, that feeling like he was going to cry catching in this throat again. "He's so sick... this is all just, I don't know. I don't know what it is anymore. Aiden's exhausted, but I'm more than aware the longer I sit on it, the worse the reaction is going to be. If I keep waiting, Aiden's going to tear me a new one from keeping something like this from Pat, no matter what the outcome is, and I've seen Aiden angry. It's not pretty. He's not going to let me hurt Pat, and I can't blame him for that. And I still, through everything, don't know how this is all going to work," he told her helplessly and put his hand to his head. It was aching again. It had been aching on and off since Pat got sick.
Iz stopped rubbing his back and moved around in front of Cameron to cradle his head against her shoulder as she made soothing noises. Part of her wished they could just do this curled up in bed, but she supposed that was what had got them in trouble in the first place. They were good physical comfort with each other, and were still finding their feet with the emotional. She pushed her fingers up into his hair, now rubbing her fingertips against his scalp. "Neither do I, but we can't possibly work any of it out if we don't start by talking to people. Who knows, maybe they'll help us figure it out. Once they get past the anger..."
"Bugger it," Cameron said through a heavy exhalation. It wasn't to anything in particular, but more just a need for a rest from the bloody emotional rollercoaster. He bit down on his lip, closing his eyes for a few moments, even just in an attempt to rest them. "I guess I can stick around here until I know where I stand with my knee, so that's at least a year. I can't play this season at all or I might never even walk properly again. They think I need more surgery to repair some damage physio can't reach."
Izzy turned her head to brush a kiss to his cheek. "It'll give you a chance to be near Pat. Mend whatever rift is between you two. I'd.. I don't think I could ever bring myself to ask you to stay if it was only for me. Bad knee, or not."
Cameron looked at her pleadingly. "I don't know how to put anything but the game or Pat as a priority, but I'm trying to learn, okay? I'm trying here. I just know I'm fucking failing at it because whatever happens, I'm not the only one it affects." He was trying to keep his voice low so he didn't wake Aiden, but on the other hand, he really wanted to yell in frustration if it might wake Pat up. "And even if you asked, I couldn't promise I could stay. It's not just a matter of walking away from the game to stay. The game is my life. I have lived and breathed football for as long as I can remember. And I know it's probably not of the same level, but how you felt when you lost your best friend? That's close to how I've been feeling trying to accept I might never play again."
Iz felt tears sting the backs of her eyes and she squeezed them shut. "I don't want you to walk away. From your life, or the game, or your brother. I don't want you to have to give up anything to be with me. It's not what being in a relationship is about. Same as I don't expect you to ask me to quit my job, or do anything like that. You're a footballer. It's who you are, it's part of you being the man I love. And I do love you, Cameron. You have to know that. As insane as all fuck everything is right now... I do love you. You saved me when I needed it, and I guess I just want to be able to do the same. We'll figure it out. I've got to get used to not running away, and you need to learn about priorities. We're both going to stumble, and make mistakes. The difference is picking each other up afterwards and knowing we're still there for each other."
Cameron juggled his crutches so he could put his arm around her. "I'm sorry I can't be the perfect partner here. I wish I knew how to do it. I see all my mates and family around me doing it and pulling it off like they're made for it, but I just can't tap into it. When Pat is like this, I feel like something inside me is dying. And I just need you to know it's not that I'm freaked out about the pregnancy, which yeah, I am, but I know it's not the end of the world. Whatever happens with it. I just need Pat and I've never needed him so much before for something that's going to hurt him too."
"He'll wake up. He has to. It's okay," she whispered in his ear. Izzy was also trying to keep from waking up Aiden. She was glad that James told her to talk to Cameron though, starting to feel like a little of the weight was being lifted. "I don't need perfect. I've never wanted perfect. I just want you. And a giant caramel sundae with oodles of whiped cream and crushed nuts."
"I think you're outta luck. I don't think they sell ice cream here. At least not like that," Cameron told her quietly. Pat's heart monitor was beeping softly behind them and it was both comforting and disconcerting all at once. It seemed Pat had picked up a minor infection which just acted like a line of falling dominoes on his health. His temperature had dropped, but now he just had to wake up so they knew where he was at with his recovery. "I'm sorry for all of this, but I'm relieved in a way. You're going to experience what this is all like, and what it's like being involved with my family. At least if we go in at the bottom, it can only get better right?"
"I might have to make a quick phone call, then." Iz was already hoping she'd catch James in time for her to bring her a sundae. She was getting him a burger, so it was only fair, right? Plus he had to be used to this stuff with Harri. Something twinged inside her, and she knew she had to have another talk to with Cameron, but it could wait. What they were already discussing was more important. "Right. It can only ever go up from here. You don't have to keep apologising, just so you know."
Cameron shifted back a little. "I just need to sit. I feel like I'm about eighty." He maneuvered the crutches back to a position if he could use them and went back to the seat beside Pat's bed that probably had an imprint of his arse now. "I don't know what else to do. It seems like all I can offer right now." He eased the crutches down onto the floor beside him and reflexively started adjusted Pat's blankets, a nervous habit he seemed to have picked up from Tara. He glanced up at Izzy. "Do you know how it happened?"
She frowned, coming to stand beside him. Her hand rest on his shoulder, and Izzy watch Pat's still face. "How what happened?"
"Getting pregnant," Cameron told her, needing to clear his throat after it. It was still weird for him to say that.
"Not anymore than when I told you. I keep trying to work out if we did anything different, or if maybe I forgot my pill... but I don't know. I really don't. I wish I did." Izzy frowned, her gaze shifting to Cameron's face. "I didn't trap you."
Cameron frowned and looked back at Pat, his hand going to his brother's like some sort of lifeline without him even realising what he was doing. "I didn't say you did. I just... I know there wasn't much chance for you to say much about it. I don't even know how pregnant you are. Length-wise, I mean. Term. Whatever they call it. I don't even know what they call it," he realised, feeling like a dipstick.
Izzy bent down to kiss the top of his head, and perched herself on the arm rest. "Term. I think. And from what Ali was saying, I guess it's going on about ten, or eleven weeks now? I'm the same as her... I really don't know. I mean, that's why I asked you what you remembered us doing. I get if your brain wasn't exactly feeling cooperative though, since it was a massive shock. Mine went into shutdown mode. I still can't wrap my head around it."
"The same as..." Cameron trailed off, trying to process that. "Is that some best friend connection thing? That's just... does that mean we were having sex at exactly the same time she was?" he asked, eyes widening a little at the thought.
"It means it's highly possible," Iz conceded with a slight smirk. She kissed the top of Cameron's head again, and brushed her fingers through his hair. "Ali knows for sure she got pregnant while she and Andy were in Australia, so I had to have been knocked up around the same time. I don't know if it'd be exactly down to the minute, but it must be within a day, or two."
Cameron was still looking at her uncertainly. "What happens if you both go into labour at the same time?" he asked. "Do Andrew and I get to hide out in the cafeteria with full body armour?"
Isabel smiled as she looked down at him. "You can try, but we might still be cursing you both very, very loudly."
"Can I tell you something? It's probably going to sound really bad, and I don't even think anything like it now, but at first, I was just shocked..." Cameron looked up at her again. "I guess it was just after the whole baby shop thing."
"Which is understandable because I was a total fucking psycho cow in the baby shop," Iz replied as she made a face. She hated everything about that day. "And you can tell me anything. The psycho bitch left the building, promise."
Pat's hands were cold again, so Cameron rubbed at his fingers a little. "When you told me, I wondered for a minute if maybe it was James'," he admitted to her, looking at her apologetically. "When he came back into your life, I just assumed you'd want to... you know. But it's just because I didn't get how it could have been me. With my leg and all that. I just wouldn't have blamed if you were with him like that. I know I sound like a dick. It was just panic."
Izzy's head fell forward as her hair fell around her face. She looked down at her hand resting on her leg. "I did want to. I really, really did. That night when I saw him again... It was like everything came rushing back. I seriously wanted to fuck his brains out, but I didn't. Sometimes I regret not doing it because I still... He's James. I'm always going to feel something for him, and I'm sorry. I suck, and I'm the dick, but I just need to be honest. It's not as easy as I wanted it to be to just stop feeling for him. I haven't slept with him, though. At all. Not since he... died." Iz raised her head slowly and looked at Cameron, a lump forming in her throat. "He gave up on a chance for my kid to ever be his when he walked away. I asked him for a divorce."
"Yeah, I get it," Cameron told her, eyes resting on the edge of Pat's bed. "And I wouldn't have blamed you if you did. I probably would have. Actually, I thought you maybe had been with him but were just keeping it to yourself. It's got to be hard. It might have just been better for both of you if you did. It's hardly a textbook case, is it?" His nose scrunched up a tiny bit in contemplation. "I can't believe I'm telling a girl I'm interested in that I wouldn't mind if she slept with her ex, but I guess I'm more openminded than I thought."
"So you're still interested?" Izzy asked as she raised her eyebrows a little. "I wouldn't really blame you if you did just want to run in the opposite direction. Textbook case or not, the baggage I come with is pretty heavy. I know it couldn't be easy knowing all this shit. And yeah, it probably would have been easier if I had fucked him, but I didn't. I guess I can just slap him, and see if that has the same effect."
Cameron was quiet for a moment. "It's not like I don't have some heavy baggage myself. I can't even promise it's going to get lighter. If Pat's bad when he wakes up, a whole lot of shit could be on the horizon. I feel like I owe so much to Aiden, so I want to stick around this time now that I can and help him out so he's not alone. Last time, he did it all himself. Nursed Pat right through it, and never left his side. Still can't believe I went off the deep end when they told me they were married. He's everything Pat's always wanted." He looked at Izzy with a small smile. "James was everything you always wanted, but it was taken away. I'm not going to deny you what you had with him. I'm glad he's still in your life."
"I guess this mess is better than him really being dead. I'll just have to suck up the whatever it is I still feel and get on with it." Iz slid her arm around Cameron's shoulder as she rest her head against his. "And you're not alone either in this, okay? I'm here. I'll help you, Aiden, and Pat. You don't have to do it all on your own, even though I know you think you owe it to him. Maybe you did go a little crazy with the wedding news, but you said yourself you always thought you were going to get to see him on his wedding day. Just be glad you get to see him happily married every day. I think that's a huge deal. Aiden's an amazing guy."
Cameron had to laugh slightly. "Pat gets his bitch on when he has to recuperate. Don't be fooled by the sweet, adorable, pink, gay routine. He turns into Cruella DeVille, sans the doggy coat. It's not for the fainthearted. I'm pretty sure he could give the pregnant thing a run for its money." He gave Pat's hand a small squeeze and glanced back at Izzy. "If you want to get it out of your system, you can, you know. I'll just act oblivious, I won't even bring it up in conversation."
Izzy smiled, her gaze flicking to Cameron's twin as she imagined him as Cruella. "Somehow I think Pat will always have better fashion sense than her." She froze, her hand curling against her leg. She turned her head to look at Cameron, almost like she was trying to make sure she had just heard him. "I don't... I can't even imagine where to start with that. Besides the fact it's not just you. It's Harri as well. She's carrying his kid. I don't know if I could do that to her, or you. I'm carrying your kid. You really want me to get it out of my system like this? Even if you act oblivious."
Cameron wet his lips and nodded. It was probably a good thing Pat was unconcious and couldn't hear this, but Cameron was just following his gut now. There wasn't a rulebook for things like these. "Yeah, I know it's not just me, and I did think of Harri. I just figured we'd all be in a better headspace if you got it out of your system, you know? I mean, it's not like you haven't slept with him before. You're still married. Since you rocked up in my hospital room in Liverpool and told me it was James that pulled it off, I've been wondering if you would come to a point in your life where you needed closure from him. Closure neither of you had. Maybe it's just best you get it out now so you can move on. If sex is the way to do it, then..."
Iz moved to kneel down on the floor in front of Cameron, and took his face between her hands as she looked at him. "I don't know if I should thank you, or keep trying to be strong and just say no. I don't know how we're supposed to get closure. I just know we're both feeling all these things we used to... And I'm sorry. I am. I just... I never thought he'd come back from the dead. It's a headfuck. As glad as I am that he's okay, it's still a massive headfuck. I thought I'd grieved for him. For us."
"I guess it's why I freaked out when you told me you were pregnant. Well, one of the reasons, at least. I knew you were still married to him, and I know you still have some feelings for him. But I'm a pretty reasonable bloke, and not used to this relationship thing in any way. Which might be a good thing, because it's not going to feel like you're fucking around on me if you do it. I just want you to be able to find some peace with him. He's your best friend. I know he's to you what Lachlan is to Pat, just in a different sense. But it's a massive thing, and you did love him, maybe still do. It's not something you can just step away from. Maybe it's just because my leg has given me a huge wake up call. But not even that... this, having my brother this sick all over again, that's my wake up call. Life is just too fucking short and you can't control deep emotions. If you don't do something about this now, it will come back and bite you on the arse later. I know it will. I'm channelling Yodalan here, so you gotta take my word for it. It's gospel," Cameron told her with a faint, tired smile.
Izzy pulled him into a soft kiss, meeting his tired smile. "You're doing pretty good at this relationship stuff, you know. I wouldn't even know you were crap if you didn't keep reminding me. Besides, I'm no pin-up girl for any of this, either. Just... thank you for being you. You have no idea how amazing you really are." Isabel pulled back and ran her hands over his hair before she stood up and moved back to his side. "You should take a lesson from Aiden as well, and get some rest. I know you must be in pain, but just please try and sleep. Even just for a little while. I'll still be here."
Cameron leaned over so he could give her a kiss. "Thank you," he told her quietly. "And I just need you to know that I don't think it sucks that you're having my kid. At all."
"I don't think it sucks either," she told him softly as she brushed another kiss against his lips. Iz gave Cameron's shoulder a squeeze before she pulled back to leave him alone with his brother, and Aiden. And to hopefully let him rest. She pressed her hand against her stomach, feeling a tingle of nerves now that she knew James would still be coming to Princeton. And now that Cameron had effectively given them the go ahead for closure.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 4,925