The Perfect Weapon Chapter 2009: Part 4 Section 2 of 2

[camillecarelli]

Chapter 2009: Part 4 Section 2 of 2

"Striped legwarmers only work on elves, in my adult opinion," Sydney retorted as she ran her hand down the small pile of boxes in the closet. "Here we go." She began to pull a box out and her mother elbowed her aside.

"No manual labor in a couture dress, sweetheart. Rule of life. From your mother."

"Should I start compiling a list of these rules?" Sydney asked, smiling.

"Yes. I'm going to make up for lost time..." Irina smiled back as she tugged the box of photos free and hugged them to her chest. "Including maternal nosiness." She shoved the top box back into place with her free hand, then tilted her head, reading the label. "What’s in this box?" she asked.

"Oh, that’s Dad’s dissertation. I requested it from the Archives. I thought it might be a way to learn about him. But it’s so dry, I’d be better off talking to him about it. I think." Sydney shrugged.

Irina smiled as she opened the box. "It’s been almost thirty years since I’ve seen this. Do you mind if I take it out?"

"Be my guest. Look all you want..."

Sydney sat down carefully on the bed and unstrapped her shoes while her mother eagerly opened the box of photos. She put the shoes aside and then tapped the bound volume Irina had laid down on the bed. “Did I tell you? Sark tried to play a joke on me about this.”

“I beg your pardon? Sark attempted a joke?” Irina’s head snapped up. She reluctantly set the photos back into their box. They were a mess. She’d straighten them out later. Right now, she had a more pressing problem. Sark had the ability to find someone’s weakness quickly. Sark’s jokes were often the opposite of funny to the recipient. Questions needed to be asked. “Why? What did he say? Should I talk to him?”

Sydney laughed and stood up. She turned her back to her mother, held her hair out of the way and waited for her to unzip the dress. “No, don’t worry. He was just being a jerk. He tried to tell me that this really boring book of mathematical equations was about sex. Don’t tell Dad I said it was boring. I know any dissertation requires a lot of effort and discipline,” Sydney added quickly as she stepped cautiously out of the dress, not wanting to harm it before she’d had a chance to wear it.

“How did Sark know about it? And why would he attempt to upset you about it?” Irina frowned and picked up the book, idly leafing through a few pages she recalled from thirty years before as Sydney got dressed in her usual uniform of jeans and a sweater. She rolled her eyes when Sydney left the gown on the bed. Honestly, is this how the girl treated couture? She needed training. Irina put the book aside to grab for the padded hanger for the gown and put it away carefully in its dress bag in the closet. “That’s very odd-“

“We are talking about Sark. So define odd.” Sydney rolled her eyes as she sat back down on the bed and pulled on her socks. Looking up, she shrugged. “He’s like the annoying little brother on tv shows who pokes you constantly--”

Irina shook her head and interrupted. “No. That’s far too simple a joke. A snipe hunt Sark devised would be far more elaborate, waste much more time. Be more...pointed.” Irina picked up the book again. Yes, she fondly remembered reading this game theory work of Jack’s. She looked up and smiled. “I proofread this for your father.”

“You did?” Sydney smiled eagerly as her mother sat down on the bed next to her. “I didn’t know that. I didn’t even know he had a PhD until recently.”

Irina inclined her head. “Jack never used the honorific. He thought it pretentious. Actually, he always downplayed his work. Perhaps because the other men teased him about it. I never understood why.”

“Just some guy thing. They were probably jealous. You know how men are-“

“Hmm. Yes, they’re always concerned about...size.” Irina looked at the book on her lap and wrapped her hand around the spine and hefted it up curiously. “This is much thicker than I remember. Did you look through the entire book? Maybe they bound it with someone else’s or it’s two copies in one or...”

“Maybe. I can’t believe Sark told me that the book was really a manual about the practice of sex as a-“

“What?” Irina hissed, as her hands felt nerveless suddenly and the book slipped to the floor.

Both women bent down, but Irina snatched it away. “Theory, then experimentation...." Irina muttered. She flipped toward the back half of the book and turned white, then red as her eyes caught words here and there. "Of course! I only read the theoretical section. I’ll kill him...” she whispered, keeping one eye on the closed door.

“What is it, Mom?” Sydney asked. “It’s not a manual about sex, I know that. Because what does game theory have to do with sex?”

“Are you really our daughter?” Irina stared at Sydney incredulously. “Properly applied to the game between a man and a woman, game theory can...” She flipped through the pages quickly, catching the gist of it as she scanned through it. And why not, why shouldn’t she catch the theory rapidly? She’d been the recipient of it countless times in ooooh! She stopped as she caught sight of the phrase. The phrase. 'What do you want?' She tossed the book on the bed with a hard slam and watched as it bounced slightly. That man of hers was dead. So dead. She jumped to her feet and stared at the door. “What do you want?” she hissed. “What do you want? Allow me to instruct you on what I want, Jonathan Donahue Bristow-“

“Mom? What are you doing?” Sydney asked, picking up the book her mother had flung aside as if it were an overripe fish.

“Debating just which way I’ll be killing your father tonight.”

“But Mom....” Sydney laughed, as she recognized the look on her mother’s face. She had seen it when she was a little girl and not so long ago in a train when she had ended up yelling at them to shut up. The game in which they argued over nothing. Not again. She rolled her eyes. “You just got home. I haven’t even given you the toaster Vaughn and I bought you two for a housewarming present. Can’t it wait til tomorrow?”

“Look. At. The. Last. Half.” Irina gritted out the words between clenched teeth. "And then tell me if you think I should wait."

“Sydney and I bought you a gift,” Vaughn said abruptly into the silence. He got up, went to the closet and opened the door. “Uh-oh,” he groaned as he saw the opened box from the Archives.

“Is there a problem?” Jack asked, hearing the real note of urgency in the kid’s voice. He stood up and walked toward the closet and peered inside. A box.

“The box. From the Archives. It’s open. And..” Vaughn looked inside. “Empty.”

“And...” Jack prompted impatiently, looking down at his watch. As much as he was thrilled beyond measure to have this normal time with his family, they’d been up for nearly twenty-four hours and he had a bed to which he’d like to introduce his wife.

“It’s what was inside the box.”

“No doubt. Empty boxes are just empty.” Jack rolled his eyes.

“This is no time for one of your dry jokes, Jack. It was your dissertation in that box,” Vaughn whispered. “The manual!”

Jack blinked. “What? The manual? Why was the manual here? Has Sydney read it?”

“No, I don’t think she’s read it. God, no, she can’t have read it because then I’d be dead because she would’ve realized that I read it and used-“

“You used my manual on my daughter!” Jack took a step forward.

Vaughn took a step backward. “Well, we were having trouble and I was desperate and-“
“That’s what...Weiss is for, you idiot! Your friends!” Jack took another step forward. “Not your girlfriend’s father’s...manual written when he was a young idiot.”

“But...it worked!” Vaughn protested. Desperate, he asked, “And isn’t that the most important aspect of choosing a strategy - its effectiveness?”

“Not when it’s my daughter! My god, she shouldn’t even be having sex or at least sex I know about and let me point out to you that if you get her in trouble and you’re not married, I’ll-“

“Jack! Focus!” Vaughn urged. The combination of sex and his daughter had actually rattled Jack. Unfortunately it was not a weakness he or anyone would ever be able to exploit without dying shortly thereafter. Painfully dying. Jack was wrong, not every weakness was exploitable. However, he thought he’d refrain from pointing that out. Focus, Vaughn, focus. “The important point here is that the women... Have. The. Book.”

“Yes.” Jack inclined his head toward Sydney’s bedroom and put his fingers across his lips and then touched his ear. Vaughn nodded. Jack whispered, “You’re right. So I’ll ask you this question. What do you want?”

“What the hell does that mean?!” Vaughn mumbled as the men moved to listen at the door to Sydney’s bedroom.

“Which way do you want to die?” Jack snapped in a near-soundless whisper. “Because we’re both dead.”

Irina stared at the door. “I really need to devise a new form of torture. All those jokes, all those years, all the boys knowing and...JON-“ Irina opened her mouth to yell. “J-Umphfllte!” she shrieked behind Sydney’s hand covering her mouth.

“Mom, shhh!” Sydney hissed. “Wait a minute. Come up with a game plan.” She slowly slid her hand away.

“Game plan? Game plan! I’ve got a game plan. I’m going to kill him. That’s my game plan. Simple. Jack will appreciate it, he’s always talking about how the most elegant plans are the simplest ones-“

“Yeah, Marshall says that about computer programs too, but think about it. Isn’t that what you always do? Yell at Dad, hit at him, have a fight or rather, you yell and he looks smug?” Sydney smiled. She remembered that!

“Yes. But-“
“But that’s your pattern. He’s expecting you to do that.” Sydney tapped her mother on the shoulder.

“Yes and he likes it-“ And so do I! Sydney was wasting valuable torturing time, Irina thought in frustration as Sydney held her arm and kept her from the door.

“Yes. But what if that were just one option?” Sydney smiled as her mother stopped tugging on her and turned around to stare at her thoughtfully.

“Hmm. Option A?”

“Go get the listening device-“ Jack hissed at Vaughn, frustrated by the rise and fall of the murmurs behind the door.

“What listening device? We don’t have any listening devices here-“

“Of course, you do. Under the utensil tray in the kitchen drawer!”

“Since when...” Vaughn rolled his eyes. “Let me guess-“

“A little homecoming gift from Dad. Go get it!” Jack ordered. Honestly, what home didn’t have a spare listening device in a kitchen drawer? He’d been appalled at the oversight. He really needed to give Sydney a lecture about being prepared. “Go, Boy Scout!”

“Yes.” Sydney smiled. “So, think of an Option B. Just think of the fun of surprising him by not acting according to your patterns. He’ll wonder and wait and wonder again....”

“Like Sloane with the chain links?”

“Exactly!” Sydney exclaimed.

“You are our daughter,” Irina sniffed and pulled Sydney into her arms for a hug. “Giving me advice on how to torture your father - these are the kinds of moments I missed.” She sniffed again and smiled slowly as she released her daughter. Chain... She could use the tie on that red bathrobe Jack had provided for her. Tie him up and.... Yes. She looked toward the door and whispered to herself, “That’s an idea. I could tie him up and then ask him, ‘What do you want?’...”

“Wait. A. Minute.” Sydney held up her hand. “What did you say?”

“I said, I could tie him up--"
"Good god, not that!" Sydney covered her ears. "The other thing."

"Oh. You really need to relinquish some of your prudishness, sweetheart. We'll talk--"

"I. Asked. What else you said!"

"The catchphrase, ‘What do you want?’ That’s Jack’s claim to fame, I gather, from this...” Irina picked up the book and sneered. “Manual.”

“That...is the catchphrase?” Sydney snatched the book from her mother’s hand. “Where? Show me.”

Jack grabbed the small rubberized plug from Vaughn and carefully placed it on the door and held up the ear piece.

“Oh shit...” Vaughn whispered. “I’ve been made...”

Irina sighed and flipped the pages until she found the one where she’d seen the phrase introduced. “Here...”

Sydney gasped and her face flushed red. “Vaughn....He...I....This book, in that box, has been in this apartment for a while and I....think he must have read it.”

“Uh-oh. Did he...” Irina covered her mouth to hide her smile.

“He used it ON-Mmphhflt!” Sydney mumbled as her mother slapped her hand over her mouth.

“Shh. Remember? You said we should come up with a game plan?”

“Yeah! I’ve got a game plan. Let’s kill them both. Now!”

“Sydney said they’re going to kill us both,” Jack whispered.

“I think we should make like a spy and...” Vaughn suggested. “Hide.”

“Where?”

“My apartment?”
“Oh, that’s brilliant.” Jack rolled his eyes. “Why not come up with someplace Sydney knows nothing about? Like my apartment?”

Vaughn began to laugh and slammed his own hand over his mouth. “Any other ideas?”

“Yes. Let’s make a run for it-“ Jack ripped the device from the door, grabbed Vaughn’s elbow and shoved him down the hallway.

“What was that?” Irina glared at the doorway.

“What?”

“The distinctive sound of a rubber plug being removed from a door.”

“What?”

“Pay attention! Your father was using the listening device from your kitchen!”

“What listening device from my kitchen?”

“The one he put under your utensil tray -“ Irina grabbed Sydney and flung open the door. “Honestly. Didn’t you do a complete recon on your apartment when you moved back in? Be better prepared, Sydney--”

“They’re on the move, Mom!” Sydney called out, pointing ahead.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Irina called out. She flung the book in the direction of Jack’s head.

Jack turned and snatched the book as it flew past him. “Where should I be going?” he asked, turning slowly around. He smiled. She was angry. Seriously angry.

Irina planted her hands on her hips. She smiled slowly and deepened her voice. “Allow me to give you some options.”

Jack slammed the book into Vaughn’s stomach. “Take this...”

“Cough. Like I have a choice?” Vaughn choked out. “How’d you know she was going to fling that book at you?”

“She always does.” Jack shrugged. “It’s a pattern of hers and she-“
“She is growing quite irritated!” Irina called out. “Get over here. Now.”

Jack licked his lips and took a step toward Irina. “Oh, this should be good.”

“This should be good, should it?” Irina asked, taking a step forward, further into the living room. “Is hell good?”

“Option A?” Jack walked over to his wife and then began to circle to her left. Given that she was right-handed, that was a better option. “Hell. It would be good if you were there.”

Irina reached out and trailed her hand along Jack’s arm. “Nice try. Very smooth. But not good enough.” She pinched the back of his bicep.

“Ouch.” Jack rubbed the back of his arm and took a step forward. “I’ll try...harder. What is my next option? Eating--”

“Your words?” Irina shook her head and fought to keep from smiling. Damn him. He always ended up making her laugh. She glanced back at Sydney, who appeared shell-shocked. And they hadn’t really begun to fight yet. Poor girl. Too bad. She needed to have her own argument. Irina swung back toward her husband. “Option B is an apology-“

“Sorry. I apologize. Mea culpa. Ja vinovata.” Jack grinned. “See how easy that is?”

“Too easy. Far too easy. This apology needs to come with-“ Irina vainly attempted to pull away as Jack tugged her next to him and whispered in her ear.

“A pound of flesh? Not a problem.” Jack gave a quick lick to his wife’s ear lobe before releasing her and rocking back on his heels. “Just tell me when,” he added in a louder voice.

Irina looked down at her trembling hands. She couldn’t decide whether she wanted to kill him or kiss him. “Sydney, shouldn’t you be arguing with Vaughn?” Irina prompted.

“Thanks a bunch,” Vaughn said sourly. “For reminding her.”

“Yes! Actually I do want to know what the hell you were thinking, using my father’s manual on me-“ Sydney began, advancing on her own man. Vaughn backed up until his legs hit the back of the couch.

“Good diversion, honey. Now, tell me what you-“ Jack broke off his words. That had been irredeemably stupid.

“Don’t even try that phrase, you idiot.” Irina put her hands on her hips. “I believe I’ve decided on my option.”

Jack smiled as he dropped his eyes down his wife’s body.“Do tell.” Mmm. She was irritated. Sydney wasn’t looking. He reached his hand out and Irina slapped it away.

“Here’s an option.” Irina poked her finger into Jack’s shoulder with every word. “Payback. Recompense. Reparations-“

Jack captured his wife hand and brought it to his mouth. He kissed it three times, before asking, “Why did you just use three synonyms-“

Irina snatched her hand back and then reconsidered. She placed it on Jack’s chest and slid it downward. “Oh, I’m trying on for size the notion of using your tactics against you. Or rather, with you. Of course, with you, Jack. With is the appropriate preposition, isn’t it?”

Jack once again seized her hand. “Um...Oh. Um, I really doubt that this is the best time for a grammar lesson-“

“Oh, there’s always time for a grammar lesson about prepositions.”

“You’re correct. Because-“

“Because when I torture you, it’s important to know if you’re going to be under me, or bending over or -“

“This is starting to sound somewhat painful and possibly perverse-“ Jack objected, clenching his jaw so he wouldn’t laugh aloud.

“Oh, that can’t be!” Irina put her hands to her cheeks in mock horror and to hide her grin. Jack looked like he was having the time of his life. Which was good, because she certainly was. This game was giving them both their turn at the same time. The only way it would be better is if they were in bed. Or the shower. The shower was always good. But no! She was torturing him. Payoff would come later. Oh yes, it would come later. “Because I would never want to hurt you, now would I?”

“Are we in an alternate universe?” Jack bit back a smile as he saw the light in his wife’s eyes. She was alive in a way he didn’t know if he’d seen her since she’d returned. This argument was helping her find herself. And he’d always loved this side of her, the volatile woman whose eyes spat fire at him while her strong hands pulled him into her warmth, anger changing to passion in an instant.

“In this universe, you owe me for the number of times you used that phrase.” Irina pretended to look around. “Now where is a calculator? Or my vodka. Calculating a number that high could take a while and-“

“What?! The number of times I used that phrase?” Jack exclaimed, taking a step backward. He looked over at the younger couple. Vaughn wasn’t faring much better, leaning back over the couch while Sydney pointed her finger in his face. But at least they were distracted. “C’mon, honey. That number seems somewhat excessive-“

“And I’d like to relax while perform complex mathematics, so get me a glass-“ Irina stopped and stroked her hand down Jack’s chest. “And then maybe I’ll break it and make you...watch while I-“

“Oh shit.” Jack touched his forehead. Yes, it was damp. And what was she doing, alluding to broken glass and touching him with their daughter just feet away? What did she expect he was going to do, pull her into Sydney’s bathroom to settle the matter? Oh. She was torturing him. He firmed his lips, then relaxed them into a smile as he shrugged nonchalantly. “You know, you really shouldn’t be that angry. It was, it all happened before you.”

“Passive voice, Jack? It all happened? What’s the it? Your dick? Which just happened to make stops on its aimless dick-like world wanderings -“

“Your language. I’m shocked. And you know, it’s not as though you didn’t benefit from-“

Irina sliced her hand through the air, then used the motion to grab Jack’s shirt in her hand.“You really should learn to keep your mouth shut.”

“But then I couldn’t bite you.” Jack snapped his teeth together, while his eyes traveled down her body.

Thud

Sydney and Vaughn looked up from their argument to see Irina slam Jack into the wall. Sydney opened her mouth and then shut it as her father looked down at her mother with a small, amused smile. Well, there was something there besides amusement, but she wasn’t going to think about that.

Irina bit her own lip. Get control, she told herself. Count, yes, count! “How many times did you use that phrase, Jack? Let’s count, shall we?”

“Let’s not-“ Jack attempted to encircle his wife with his arms and sighed when she jumped back out of reach.

“Let’s see. If we estimate that we had sex every other night for ten years-“

“I can’t believe she’s calculating the number of times they had sex during their marriage,” Sydney muttered.

“I can’t believe they were still having that much sex that long into their marriage!” Vaughn goggled. “I really should have paid closer attention to the man-OW!” Vaughn carped as Sydney slapped his arm.

“That’s an average, of course,” Irina said thoughtfully. “Because there were times when it was every night and then times when it might have been two days apart, but then more than once-“
“I believe I’m incurring an impossible debt. And I believe your calculations are somewhat erroneous. Don’t forget, I was out of town approximately one-tenth to one-fifth of every year in the early days-“

“True. But then, I need to add numbers back, because when you returned it wasn’t as though once per night was sufficient-“

“MOM!” Sydney shrieked, covering her ears with her hands. “That can’t be-“

“Excuse me? Am I stating something...odd?” Irina smiled as Jack covered his face with his hands.

“No, yes...I....” Sydney groaned as she felt her face flush with heat.

Irina stroked her chin. “Hmm. Perhaps you need to examine your commitment to Mr. Vaughn if he can’t do it more than once per-“

“MOM!” Sydney shrieked.

“Hey!” Vaughn protested. “I can too do it-“

“Vaughn!” Jack growled. “Shut up now before I’m forced to ensure that you never do it again.”

“Mom, you really shouldn’t...” Sydney shuddered at the poisonous look her father’s angry eyes had just arrowed into Vaughn’s face. “Just go back to your calculations!” Sydney looked into the kitchen. Perhaps there was some poison in there she could use to kill herself. Surely there must be. Her father had restocked her kitchen, after all. There must by cyanide or something in a spice jar. She looked over at her parents and blushed at the looks on both of their faces. “Count, Mom!” she called out, before muttering to herself, “I can’t believe that calculating the number of times they had sex now seems like the lesser of the evils.”

“Fine. Ignore my maternal advice.” Irina turned her head quickly, knowing it would send her hair flying and that Jack would like the sight. Yes, she smiled as she saw his eyes watch her hair and his hand raise up to twist in it. She grabbed his wrist and forced his hand back against the wall. “No touching. We have numbers to crunch.”

Jack rotated his wrist in Irina’s grasp. “I suppose that’s better than crunching my-“

“That is an option, too.” Irina lifted her knee up and felt Jack freeze. Good, he should be scared. “Do I have your attention now? If we use the rough average of every other night, let’s say it was 183 times per year, times ten years, that’s approximately two thousand times. Two thousand times you might have used that phrase-“

“I did not use that phrase every time!” Jack protested. “I mean, two thousand times is excessive in the extreme. I had more imagination than that, while you-“

“I’m ignoring you. I need to subtract and then add in again the number of times that included more than one-“ Irina smiled and ran her eyes down her husband’s body, before pressing into him. “Given that, you are so deep in the hole that you’ll never-“

“That’s a hole I can never get out of...” Jack paused and lowered his voice. “Not that I’d ever truly want to get out of your -“

“Don’t say it!” Irina almost choked on her laughter and released her husband before he caught on to how much she was enjoying this game. She was supposed to be angry, after all. She turned her back and stalked into the kitchen. Flinging open the refrigerator door, she snatched the vodka out. “Let’s focus on this figure of two thousand-“

“I feel so inadequate,” Vaughn mumbled.

“As you should,” Sydney sniffed.

“Huh?” Vaughn goggled at Sydney. “Should I resent that-“

“I meant...” Sydney rolled her eyes. “Consulting a manual written by my father-“

“Hey, it worked, so what’s your complaint, really!” Vaughn snapped back, then instantly regretted it given the fury in Sydney’s eyes.

“Idiot...” Jack whispered, watching his wife slam a glass down on the counter. He winced. She might have broken it and then... He saw her hold the glass above the floor and turned to smile at him. He groaned. He was so dead. “Back pedal. Quickly.” He smiled at his wife and lifted his voice. “I love you, honey, don’t forget.”

Vaughn nodded and faced Sydney. “Sydney...Well, I mean....it seemed like a good strategy. After all, it was your father’s and he probably used it on your mother, who...”

“Speaking of good strategies, Vaughn,” Jack groaned as Sydney’s lips tightened until they almost disappeared into her mouth. “Apparently opening your mouth tonight does not count among your best ideas ever.”

“Yeah. What would-“ Vaughn broke off as Irina downed a slug of vodka, slammed the glass back onto the counter and turned around.

“Grovel, son. Grovel.” Jack smiled as innocently as he could when his wife began returning to him with a look of retribution in her eyes. Well, that had been idiotic. He should have just run when he had the chance instead of staying here, leaning against the wall. Waiting. He sighed happily as she stood in front of him once again.
“You’re not groveling with Irina,” Vaughn pointed out, watching the smile on Jack’s face.

“She likes arguing. Sydney does not.” Jack gritted out. “It’s all about what they want. For the love of god, I gave it to you in black and white. What more do you want?”

“What did you say, Jack?” Irina grabbed him by the shirt once again. He had waited. Good man. He knew his place. “What was that phrase?”

“Oh, do you need me to repeat it? I thought you’d had enough-“

“Enough? Let’s talk about enough. Two thousand incidences of recompense are not enough for you? Should we add Panama to the calculations, Jack? How many times was that-“

“I lost count.” Jack smirked. “For you, anyway. I had more control.”

“Oh, my god! They’re talking about Panama. I thought it was just about the passive transmitter! ” Sydney moaned. “But they did it more than necessary? This is so wrong!”

“Control? Control!” Irina curled her hands around Jack’s shirt. She dropped her voice and leaned against his body. “We’ll see how much control you’ll have when I tie you up...” She trailed off as she felt his body respond to her voice. “Aha. I think someone is already having control problems. Let me consider this option. My strategies. Should I use stockings or my bathrobe tie or one or two or...yes, four of your boring ties from work. Because honestly, Jack, your wardrobe could use some improvement.”

“Are they talking about going shopping?” Sydney asked, blinking in confusion. “I thought she was going to torture him.”

“You think going shopping isn’t torture for a man?” Vaughn mumbled.

“Ah! Thank you for the elucidation of a weakness!” Sydney smiled. “Because as we know, every weakness is exploitable.”

“You could tie me-“ Vaughn suggested. It seemed to work for Jack and Irina, so--

“I think we should go shopping at Barnes and Noble.”

“The book store? Why?”

“To replace the manual as your guidebook. I envision us spending hours and hours in the self-improvement section perusing pop psychology books on relationships and then discussing them - in depth - for hours and hours.”

“Books on relationships? And you want me to...discuss them? For hours?” Vaughn felt his mouth drop open. “That is evil, Sydney. Just-“
“Torture comes in many forms, Vaughn.” Sydney looked down and examined her manicure. She could use one.

“Doesn’t she make you proud?” Irina whispered to Jack.

“Yeah, right.” Jack grimaced sympathetically in Vaughn’s direction. He almost felt badly for the kid. Almost. Idiot, using the manual on Sydney.

“Oh, if male solidarity is causing you temporary amnesia regarding your own situation, let’s return to counting in Panama-“

“We can go there on vacation. Or a hon-“

“I liked the hot tub,” Irina blurted out, then wanted to smack herself. She really needed to have a do over in a hot tub soon before she embarrassed herself. But honestly, the combination of Jack, his wet skin, his hands, some nice silky gel soap and those jets - what woman could blame her for being distracted? Sadly, she had no woman friend to ask. Maybe Dr. Barnett.... She looked up as she felt that little indrawn hiss of breath she would always associate with Jack’s intention to say something she probably didn’t want to miss.

“The hot tub? Hmm. You could tie me into the hot tub. Somehow. I can’t imagine how, but you, with your newfound creative abilities in that area could no doubt devise a method-“

“Shut. Up. You’re distracting me. And besides, don’t be an idiot.” Irina glanced over at Sydney and lowered her voice. Sydney didn’t necessarily need to hear this, given how oddly-prudish she seemed to be and Jack always had a reaction to a deepening of her voice and action. Ha. A doubleplay. She smiled and felt Jack still in anticipation. God, this was a good game. “Why would I want to tie you up in the hot tub? Your hands are crucial-“

“My hands are irrelevant, I would think, given your reaction to those jets-OW!” Jack yelped as his wife’s hands clenched in his shirt and pulled out, he was sure, some of his chest hairs.

“You’re distracting me!” Irina growled and with another sudden rush of movement, pressed Jack into the wall with a hard slam. Which, she noted as her hips felt his reaction, he apparently liked. Interesting. “I need to count.”

Jack shifted to slide one of his thighs between Irina’s. Yes, that was where he wanted to be. “I’m so sorry. Do return to your infinitely-interesting calculations. You were talking about adding and subtracting--”

“Yes, almost like a mathematical in and out.” Irina pressed her lips together, once again trying to hold the laughter in. Why had she ever thought there was anything more enjoyable than playing the game with Jack?
“Are you hungry? We could stop at an In and Out for a burger on the way home-“ Jack suggested, slowly sliding his arm around his wife’s waist.

“Hmm. I do have a hunger...” Irina stepped closer. “Which reminds me of when I was pregnant. I need to consider that time period in my calculations. I need to subtract from your punishment the few weeks before and after Sydney was born-“

“A few weeks?” Sydney asked, turning around as she heard her name. As her mother stepped back and frowned at her, she asked haltingly, “Wellll.... Aren’t you supposed to wait around six weeks? And before, isn’t it...well... uncomfortable?”

“For the love of god...” Jack groaned, looking at the kitchen, wondering if Irina had placed any poison in there other than that vodka. Because, he really wanted to die. Right now preferably. He took a step in that direction, only to be halted by his wife’s pointed clearing of her throat and equally pointed jab of the finger.

“Sydney.” Irina rolled her eyes and lifted her hands up. Making a circle with her thumb and index finger, she slid the index finger of her other hand inside the opening. “In and out is not the only way to have sex-“

“What?” Sydney gaped. She gaped again as she heard an unexpected sound and turned to see Vaughn laughing at her mother.

“YOU!” Sydney stalked toward Vaughn and grabbed him by the arm. “You should keep your dirty mouth shut!”

“Should I have Jack talk to Vaughn? Give him some helpful hints?” Irina asked with a smile.

“NO!” Jack, Vaughn and Sydney all yelled.

“But why not ask Jack? He’s the....expert!” Irina spat. She had almost forgotten. Focus, woman, focus. “He wrote the....manual! The guidebook--”

“Honey...” Jack said with a smile as he watched her eyes flash. God, what a woman. He took a step toward her, then another. “I was just...practicing. Until you came along. For your ultimate benefit.”

“And you said that with a straight face. I’m so impressed...” Irina said softly as she took a step closer to her husband.

“Are you?” Jack trailed a finger down her arm. He lowered his voice to whisper, “I could try and impress you in other ways...”

“Oh my god!” Sydney groaned. “Take it elsewhere!”
“Yes, honey...” Jack pushed back against his wife, then grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the door. “Let’s take it home.”

“Da...” Irina smiled and caught up with Jack. She turned and smiled at her daughter. “Sydney, sweetheart, I need to go home with your father. If you need any advice on torturing your man, call me. Tomorrow.”

“Bye, sweetheart!” Jack called out. He dug in his pocket and held up the car keys. “Do you want to drive? You seem like you’re in the kind of mood in which you want control and you know me, I’m always willing to give you what you want...” Jack hid his grin as Irina turned slowly and stared at him.

“You live dangerously.” Irina stared at her husband, running her eyes up and down the length of his body. She held out her hand, then stuck it in her pocket. “No. You drive.” She walked around to the passenger side and waited for Jack to open her door, ignoring his quizzical looks.

“Why?” Jack asked as he got into the driver’s seat. Ha. As if he was in the driver’s seat. Ha again. What was she up to?

Irina smiled as she buckled her seat belt. “Why do I want you to drive? Because I enjoy watching your hands on the wheel.”

“Which means what?” Jack started the car and drove off.

Irina ran her fingertip along the edge of Jack’s ear. Deepening her accent, she whispered, “So suspicious...”

“Let me guess.” Jack heaved a long-suffering sigh and looked to the left as he turned, hiding his anticipatory grin. “You’re going to torture me.”

“Does the phrase, night of the necklace mean anything to you?” Irina purred as her fingers slid inside Jack’s shirt. “Let’s see....where should I start?”

TBC at
Chapter 2010 Part 1 section 1 of