The Perfect Weapon Ending 1 Chapter 1004: Part 2 section 3 of 5

[camillecarelli]

Ending 1 Chapter 1004 Part 2 section 3 of 5

“Heads up,” Kendall said and waved up at Sydney and Jack who waved back.

“What is that in Jack’s hand and why are they up on the roof?” Vaughn asked, staring upward.

“Some new therapy of Barnett’s, I presume. If you’re dealing with the Bristows, you need to get creative. Or go crazy yourself. Speaking of which, that would appear to be a pencil in Jack’s hand, Vaughn,” Kendall said laughing. “When are you going to wise up?”

“Wise up?” Vaughn asked. “I know he’s playing a game on me. I just can’t think of a way to get him to stop. I need something....But what can you possibly use against Jack Bristow?”

“I’m gonna take pity on you, Pretty Boy, and give you some stellar advice,” Kendall nodded up at Jack, and grinned. Ha, take this, Bristow! If Vaughn played this right, maybe he would be safe too and .... Well, no life was without risk. But then again, he was talking about Jack Bristow-type risk. Hmm. Maybe it would be best to hedge his bets. In the end, he said merely, “There is no substitute for extensive background research.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Vaughn groused, jumping to the side as a pencil came flying down at him. “Damn! That could have killed someone!”

“Nah. Jack keeps saying he doesn’t want to kill you. I’m sure he and Sydney calculated the rate of speed of the pencil dropping quite carefully--” Kendall stopped talking to burst into laughter at the sight of the scowl on Vaughn’s face. “If I were you, Barbie Boy, I’d get cracking on the research though, before you piss him off again and he really sets out to nail you.”

“Barbie Boy? Wasn’t Pretty Boy bad enough?” Vaughn groaned. “My life is over....”

“I’m thinking I need to call purchasing,” Kendall said gleefully. He understood Jack’s enjoyment in these games now, this was quite enjoyable. “I hear they got in some bright pink file folders. Or, I know, I’ll ask Jack, I bet he’d have some truly creative ideas for redecorating -“

“For the love of...How much worse can this day get?” Vaughn groaned, as he picked up a piece of pencil from the pavement.

“Jack,” Judy asked swiftly as she waited impatiently for Susan, “What has been the most significant moment of this day for you? What do you think you’ll remember the most about today? So far?”
“When Sydney said she loved me in the car,” Jack answered quickly and without hesitation, his words, his hopeful tone, grabbing Sydney’s attention. “Or rather, that one of the qualities she loved best about me was that I was a bad man - she was teasing...” he trailed off, shaking his head. Sydney had teased him, Judy had teased him. He had teased them. For all that he knew something....that only Judy could devise was about to happen, this had turned into a good day. If he could just get through this....Automatically he put his hand onto his abdomen, then stopped, surprised that it did not hurt. It had not hurt since Panama, but he would have expected the anxiety--

“Teasing about what?” Judy asked, seeing a flicker of worry in Jack’s eyes.

“He was tormenting Vaughn,” Sydney said with a smirk. “Which is always fun. Even when it’s just with that Operation Pencil Tap. Although....Operation Barbie has worked out quite well, too, hasn’t it?”

Jack said with a smile, “I have no idea--”

“As to what you are referring,” both women finished, also with smiles.

Jack shook his head. “I am becoming entirely too predictable.”

“Soooo, Sydney...” Judy began. Jack looked over at her with a sharp glance, tensing automatically. What was she doing now? He wondered, paying close attention as she continued, “What other qualities do you love about your father?” Judy pressed, thinking that with the Bristows she should invest in her own commercial-grade iron. Oh, Judy, that was lame. Would Susan just get up here already, so she could get this over with? She hated being up on the roof.

“That he has kindness, compassion, which makes this...question of mine ....Wait. That was the most important moment of today? What I said in the car? Not saying goodbye to Derevko?” Sydney asked in surprise.

“No. I’d already done that in my mind, my heart, a long time ago on that dock in Panama. This was just a mere formality. For her sake more than anything.”

“What do you mean, for her sake?” Judy asked, glancing at Sydney. Would she take the bait? Where was Susan?!

“I needed to make it crystal clear that it was over. As I told you last night, Judy, I will keep track of her, I told the warden today that I would be watching him, calling him, using my contacts there to make sure she’s treated properly, that’s she given opportunities to grow and heal. I made a vow many years ago to care for Laura. That I will do for the Laura I once knew. But if I saw her again, like those books, it would just be cruel-“

“Like if she saw those inscriptions in those books...." Sydney began. "She’d just think she could start the game over. The only choice was to withdraw completely so she would know the truth....That is the greatest kindness you can offer her right now. That and arranging for a therapist.”

“Sydney, what do you think about that?” Judy asked, tapping her foot impatiently, then forcing herself to stop.

“You have a big heart,” Sydney said, facing her father, remembering that scene on the airstrip, when she knew she could forgive Vaughn because she had the example before her of the potential of forgiveness, the knowledge that he would have forgiven Irina if only....My kingdom for an apology, she remembered saying. Remembered that he had apologized for his withdrawal. But not yet explained. She forgave him, she had long ago, truth be told, but she still needed an explanation. Looking at him intently, she added, “Which is true and brings us back full circle, Dad. Why did you withdraw from me? Don’t you think I deserve an explanation?”

“Yes, you do,” Judy said firmly. “Jack?”

Jack closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair in consternation as he realized what Judy had done. Remembered thinking at the start of his last session before going to Panama as he had watched her mind gear up for battle, Where will we go today on the journey to find a way to reach Jack? “That was good, Judy, damn good. My hat is off to you for leading that conversation in such a nicely circuitous path right back to my greatest-“

“Do not say failure or weakness, Jack. Don’t slide backwards,” Judy said warningly. “That is what we are going to review today. And demonstrate to Sydney, who needs, absolutely must understand this. And now. Not later. Now. Don’t have it hanging over your head like the sword of Damocles. Just get it all over with, make this day the day of all new beginnings.”

“I...don’t know where to start, Judy, I just don’t,” Jack said softly, looking at her, his eyes wide.

“I know,” Judy said equally softly, putting her hand on his arm. “But you could start with ---”

“Option C? The truth?” Jack commented, with a twist of his mouth.

“Yes. I found something to help you reveal the truth. But it’s going to...hurt first.”

“Something like cauterizing a wound hurts, but then it heals?” Jack asked warily.

“Yes. I wish it didn’t have to hurt first, but this is the best way to show Sydney, give her an explan---”

“There is an explanation, a real one. Vaughn said last night that there must be. I know he’s right. I know there must be an explanation,” Sydney said firmly. “The man I knew as my father....he would not have done what he did without cause, even if it’s some male idiocy,” Sydney said, trying for a smile as she put her hand on her father’s arm. He looked down and covered it with his own. Sydney put her other hand on top of his when she felt the coldness of his fingertips on her skin. Rubbing his hand, trying to warm it, she smiled at the look of gratitude and surprise on his face.

“Dad, I’ve seen you in action and while you are a bad enemy, I am also remembering, bit by bit, how you were at home, that you were a good father. Before. And I know there must be a reason, maybe more than one, for you becoming so cold at home, because you certainly weren’t before. You were a wonderful father then. You had time for me, like you do now. We talked, like we are beginning to now. We had fun...like we are now, especially with the way you’re teasing Vaughn.” Jack smiled and shrugged. Sydney squeezed his arm again as she said softly, “And...you always caught me. Then. Now.”

Jack nodded. “I always will. But I don’t know how to explain to you the...depth of the trouble in which I found myself....”

“Oh Dad. Can’t you dangle a preposition even when you’re upset?” Sydney said, squeezing his hand. “Just...spit it out and we’ll find our way-“

Then they both looked up when the door to the roof banged open.

“Judy....” Susan called out, panting slightly as she ran out the door from the stairs onto the roof. “Sorry, it took me so long to figure out which book it was in. But I have it.” She held it out toward Judy.

“Have what?” Jack snapped out, his eyes narrowed. His heart began to pound as he looked at the item in Susan’s hand. He held his free hand out. “Which book was what in?”

Susan looked back and forth between Judy and Jack as she answered slowly, “Of Human Bondage.”

Both Jack and Sydney started and looked at each other.

When Jack said nothing, Sydney asked, “Dr. Barnett, did you know that was the book in which Dad hid the box with the chain?”

“No,” Judy said slowly. “It’s just a book on my shelf, one of my college leftovers, that I keep in the office. Sometimes it helps a patient having problems to start with a book. But, whatever,” she said impatiently, “I put this in that book because it seemed appropriate,” she said and took the item from Susan’s hand with a level look at Jack.

“Of Human Bond-“ Jack began. Grinding his jaw, he swivelled around to fully face Judy, his hands on his hips. All three women stared in shock at his body posture, then again as he began gesturing with his hand as he exclaimed, “Judy, if that’s what I think it is- But no. It can’t be. So....what is it?” He finished and seeming to notice for the first time that his hand was still gesturing, shoved it quickly into his pocket. Looking up he muttered, “Of Human Bondage? Alright, already. I get it. Life’s a big circle. Can we stop the spinning now?”

“Jack,” Judy said, “Let me take it and let’s go over here for a moment, alright?” Jack nodded, staring at the folded...was it, could it be a photograph? But no, it couldn’t be, he had taken care of all of them, hadn’t he? He thought quickly as Susan passed it, whatever it was, to Judy. Taking his arm, Judy led him a few feet away from the young women. Turning her back on the edge of the roof with a slight shudder, she held the folded item in her hands for a moment, just looking at it. Then looking up at Jack, seeing the wariness in his eyes, she sighed. “I...found this. And I kept it because I had some feeling, an instinct that it might prove useful. I want you to know, I kept it and hid it, if for no other reason so that no one else could find it.”

“She stole it!” Susan yelled. “She broke federal law and stole from the Agency Archives!”

Sydney hissed at her, “Newsflash. You’re new to this, but in general it’s not a good idea to yell that you broke a federal law on top of a building crawling with federal agents!”

“You stole this?” Jack asked quietly, relaxing slightly as he listened to his daughter, as he looked at Judy, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips, as he took a few slow breaths. “Stealing? For me? Really, you shouldn’t have. A nice pen or another book would serve---”

“Let’s take a few more steps away from the girls, Jack.” They moved a few paces closer to the edge, Jack holding Judy’s arm as he remembered her phobia. As they stopped, he dropped her arm and listened intently as Judy nodded and said, “Yes, I stole it. For you and for Sydney. Your family.” She watched his eyes carefully, watched him force himself to relax.

“Thank you. I am surprised and...impressed at your willingness to break federal law, of course. Are you sure you’re not related to Sydney and I somehow?”

“Well, this should have never been on permanent retention schedules anyway. It should have been destroyed long ago. So, I don’t know why it was in there, except that maybe, maybe it was waiting for this moment. Like---”

“Like Dave’s files?” Jack asked, forcing himself to remember that the last time Judy had uncovered something it had been that...the only word for it was, gift. That time, though, the gift in the plain brown portfolio had been immediately apparent. This time, Judy had already warned him that it would hurt first. He sighed, he might as well get it over with. Tilting his head, he noted a number stamped on the back...Wait, that looked like...a truth---

“Yes. Like Dave’s files. Eventually.” Eventually he would thank her for this. She hoped, she thought, feeling the coldness of her own fingertips.
“Okay. I’m ready now,” Jack said firmly. “You’ve...dithered long enough to give me a moment. Go ahead.”

“I am showing this to you first. Then I intend to show it to Sydney. I think she needs to understand this truth, I think secrets like this are debilitating.” Staring at his face intently, she slowly opened the folded item to reveal the black and white photograph of Jack strapped down to a gurney in the hospital after his breakdown. She saw shock, chagrin, anger, fear cross his face before he gave a glance toward Sydney. And then, as she expected, the mask fell down over his face. He had been staring at the photograph, feeling his face stiffen, his entire body stiffen with rejection, then an urge to flee. Flee from the photograph, from his past, from himself, from the knowledge that he had.... For a brief flicker, he saw again that blackness that had engulfed him. He looked down unseeingly, his eyes unmoving for a moment in the rigidity of his face.

The mask was not acceptable, she decided. He needed a little...wake up call. She reached her hand out.

Then a sharp pain in the back of his left upper arm, caused him to jerk and exclaim, “What the hell, Judy! That hurt!”

Judy snorted. “Seeing the photo or my pinch?” She asked lightly.

“Let’s try both,” he snapped, crossing his arms. “Why did you pinch me?”

“Ah, the easy question. I saw that mask drop down and your eyes glaze over for a second and needed to bring you back. Did you know that pinching someone in just the right spot in the back of their upper arm can prevent someone from blacking out or fainting?” Judy asked conversationally, staring down at her nails, just to annoy, rocking back and forth on her heels.

Jack noted absently that she was wearing one of those boring suits of hers but with a purple shirt. Oh, that color was orchid. That was why he had thought, said that...insanely stupid remark downstairs. Good, an explanation. Explanations were good. Which was why, he sighed, Judy was insisting that he give one to Sydney. Damn, logic ...sucked sometimes. And...’sucked’? Where had that come--- No. From where had that--- Okay, enough wandering through the grammar garden, Bristow, he told himself, get back on the path. He looked in annoyance at Judy who was staring off...Was she whistling?

“Look at me when I’m talking to you,” Jack snapped out, feeling the blood flow in his body again. Not aware until that moment that it had stopped. “I was NOT going to faint. I have never fainted a day in my life. Passing out drunk or....” He touched the scar on his upper lip and shrugged in the general direction of the photograph Judy still held in her hand. “Well, obviously there is ample evidence of my...past inability to stay upright, but fainting? No.”

Happily Judy chortled, “I know. I was just yanking your chain.”
“You. Were. What!?” Jack asked loudly, then winced at the sound of his voice. But then opened his mouth again, allowing himself to feel the anger. “My....chain?”

“Yes. That last little link that binds you to the fear that this...” She tapped the photograph, “Might happen again. Which it won’t. But you need to open your eyes and see-“

“Who do you think you are?” Jack spat out.

“Your friend,” Judy said firmly, without raising her voice, which she knew would irritate him. Ah, she was correct, she thought with satisfaction as she saw the flare of anger in his eyes that, thankfully, he did not even attempt to hide. Good, good.

“Don’t try and manipulate me!” Jack called out, poking an index finger at her. “You....You.... psychologist!”

“Who? Me?” Judy asked with a smug smile. “And really, Jack. I’m surprised. Can’t you devise a better insult than that? I’m sure you have greater fluency in derogatory language than that. C’mon, show me.”

“Boy,” Sydney said to Susan, “I’m surprised at how...animated my father is about whatever it was that Dr. Barnett showed him. Is he always like this in a session? Or can’t you tell me?”

Susan said after a moment’s thought, “Although I’ve never been in his sessions, of course, it’s no secret that-- I mean anyone who’s been in my area on occasion would have heard them through the door. He and she have been known to yell at each other a time or two. I would imagine that the techniques Judy employed with your father are not the usual... techniques. But this isn’t really Jack’s session.”

“Oh, wait, that’s right. He graduated. But, then, whose session is it? Mine? Ours? A family session?” Sydney asked and Susan nodded. Sydney continued, “Well, I imagine he was not the usual patient. I imagine he was quite difficult, even when he wanted help.”

“Yes, I would think he would require a lot of patience from his therapist. And,” Susan laughed, “Deodorant. Or an extra shirt like the one she brought in today as a just in case. I had to go out and buy Judy a new shirt after one of her last appointments with him before he left for Panama.”

“Why?” Sydney asked absently, as she watched her father...was he actually yelling? Yowza. What the hell was that in Dr. Barnett’s hand? And why did Dr. Barnett look not only calm about having Jack Bristow yell at her, but actually...happy about it? It was, somehow, Sydney realized, a good thing - oh no, she had watched Martha Stewart one too many times, she groaned inwardly - that her father was showing emotions, wasn’t it? “Why did she need a new shirt?”

“She had sweated through it, ruined it.”
“Really? He owes her a new shirt or at least some flowers,” Sydney suggested.

“Right now though,” Susan said with a nod in Jack’s direction, “He looks like he wants to throw her off of the roof.”

“Judy....I can’t believe you. I...Damn it!” Jack shouted as he grabbed the photo and crushed it against his chest. He closed his eyes and counted to ten. Then twenty. “I don’t want her to see this. I mean... Holy shit,” he muttered, glaring at her. “I thought I had destroyed all visual evidence of ....this,” he said softly and looked away as he thrust it at her, pushing it away from him. She took it, as he asked suddenly in alarm, “Are there....

“I found one,” Judy said, touching his sleeve, glad to see, relieved to see that he was expressing his feelings. This was good, very good, she thought as she reassured him quickly, “Only one photograph exists. I made sure of that. I’m good at research too. And I---”

“Would you excuse me for a moment, please?” Jack asked in that soft voice and formality that could hide so much. When she nodded, he turned and stalked - that was the only word for it, Judy decided, watching the stiffness of his legs and back - over to the wall at the roof’s edge. He was angry and frustrated and showing it, which was good in this situation. Would he decide to be afraid, she wondered, hoping.... Looking at her watch, she decided she’d give him no more than two or three minutes, then she’d drag him back over here. But, watching him lean over, rest his arms on the railing, seeing his slowly relax under his blue sweater, she let out a breath. He was relaxing himself.... Good, good.

Walking over to the railing, he had stared down at the city below him, noting absently the traffic patterns of midmorning as he used that exercise to calm himself. Good going, Bristow, he thought, what was it you told Sydney once - that you tend to react strategically, not emotionally? Yeah, that had just been a strategic loss of control, hadn’t it? But then he sighed, felt his shoulders relax. He had lost control for a second, so what? Then his head snapped up. So what, he had thought...And it was so what. He had been angry, frustrated, yelled and the world had not come to a screeching halt, no one had been hurt. And he thought to himself, remembering the night of the jewelry, not every loss of control was to be feared, after all. Sometimes, in fact, losing control was the way to finding oneself.

But...why did Judy think he had to look at that photograph, that depicted in stark black and white ... and gray, too, of course, another loss of control, the most horrible loss of control? Why did she want to show it to Sydney? She had a good reason, he knew, and felt his shoulders lose their tenseness, felt his heart begin to resume its normal steady rhythm as he recovered from the surprise she had visited upon him. He looked out over the city and felt a small smile begin to creep across his mouth.

With a look upwards he muttered, “Really, God. I don’t need this kind of proof that you have a sense of humor. When I said I wanted a woman to surprise me, this is not what I meant. Coming back as a cockroach would have been far easier.”
He heard a muffled chuckle from behind him and turned with surprise, again he thought dryly, to see Judy standing behind him.
“Would you do me a favor and step away from the edge of the roof, please?” Judy asked

“Judy! I thought you were afraid of heights, what are you doing over here?” Jack asked as he watched her swallow.

“How did you know I don’t like heights?” Judy asked with no real surprise.

“Don’t like? Yeah, right. That’s why every time I felt trapped, as you say, and went over to the window in your office, when you would come over to retrieve me you always stayed behind me? And then there was the time I tried to point out something to you out the window and you turned white? And then, earlier when Sydney and I tried to get you to watch us do Operation Pencil Drop and you declined, quite graciously, while turning a lovely shade of green....” Reaching into his pocked, he pulled out a pencil and extended it toward her. “Here, want a bite?”

“How...”

“Oh, I swiped it from your table. You looked a little nervous and your hands were cold. I thought you might need it. Really, Doctor, you need to break yourself of these habits...”

“I’m not your doctor anymore, so shut up and give it to me,” Judy said and grabbed the pencil from him. “Why aren’t you more upset, angry?”

“Two reasons. One I’ve seen the photo, or others like it before,” Jack admitted. “I was shocked to see that image again. I thought they were all....unlocated, as the archivists call it sometimes when they won’t admit to having lost something. And, as I’m sure you know, seeing evidence of one’s lowest moment in life is neither desirable nor enjoyable, if you’ll indulge my penchant for the vast understatement,” he said, leaned against the balustrade. In a second though, he shifted back and sat on the wall, his legs long enough for his feet to be on the floor. But just sitting on the edge would be enough to make Judy nervous he thought, watching the almost imperceptible twitch at the corner of her mouth. Ha. Her turn. Her turn to feel off balance for once in these interactions....Although he supposed it was a touch...unfair of him. After all, she - with Dave’s help - had helped him to find his strengths. The two of them, he thought, as he involuntarily touched the scar on his lip, always...pushing and prodding and poking him onto the right path.

.... Jack, you have many gifts....One of those gifts is a certain kind of self awareness that allowed you to be a double all those years, to not get lost. That self, buried deep within is what has sustained you. You just need to tap into it consciously and then you could almost heal yourself. Almost. You just need a little direction, a little push.

“What is Jack doing?” Susan gritted out. “He’s making me nervous sitting on the wall like that, Judy must be a wreck -- oh, that’s why he’s doing it. Evil man.” She shook her head and smiled as she added, “But still, I wish he’d stand up.”
“Don’t worry. My father has perfect balance....Lately.” Sydney looked at him with a soft smile, then rubbed her brow as she added, “Although. How did he get that scar on his lip that Derevko was obsessing about? Did she know something, sense something....Do you know?”

Susan shook her head. “No. Jack’s never mentioned it. I never even thought about it. And if I had, I would have assumed he got it in some fight, on some mission or other.”

Tucking her hair behind one ear as she watched her father and Dr. Barnett talk, Sydney said quietly, “He said something in India about getting it when he fell down drunk one night. I...wonder if it was when he was drinking after he was released from prison.”

“I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?” Susan asked, “About the scar?”

“Ah, you did remove all possible evidence of your breakdown,” Judy said, wishing he would take a step away from the edge. ”As I suspected.”

“Yeah. It’s all missing. A terrible shame when records go missing from federal archives, isn’t it? Shocking, simply shocking.”

Judy nodded. “Absolutely. I am shocked and appalled. “

“But somehow, I missed this one. I don’t understand how that happened, except....” Jack trailed off, wondering. He twisted his shoulders around to look below him, just to irritate Judy. Sure enough, he heard the hiss of her breath. He should really stop it. This little game to distract himself was probably pushing Judy to the edge herself.

“Maybe, it was meant to happen. To be lost, until it needed to be found,” Judy suggested. ‘Will you PLEASE turn around?”

“Lost until I was ready to see the truth again?” He closed his eyes, remembering Judy. Dave. Two people he would, had, trusted with his self, his life. Maybe he should actually listen to them again.

You fail to see many things, Jack. Allow me to help open your eyes. Judy had said, inadvertently echoing Dave’s word from decades before, If you would open your eyes, you would see.

Opening his eyes, Jack commented, “Okay. This photograph is like Dave’s files, as you said before? You’ve mentioned them twice now...You found something in them, didn’t you? Something else,” Jack commented with a deep sigh. He turned to face her and raised both eyebrows. “Yes?”

“Are you done?”
“Yes, I’m done babbling now. It’s your turn to look confused,” Jack offered as he jumped lightly down from the wall and stepped away from the edge.

“As I often am around you,” Judy said. With a relieved sigh as he took another step away from the edge. “I expected you to be...very angry with me,” she commented, noting that he had stopped moving forward.

“But you went ahead and brought this to light because you thought it was the right thing to do, didn’t you?” Jack asked. Judy nodded. “But...that’s why I came over here, I needed to understand why you are doing this. And that’s the second reason I am not more upset. I know you had to have a good reason. I know you would not do this maliciously, to hurt me. That you would in fact regret hurting me, even if it were necessary. That you probably lost sleep worrying about this. Which I know is true, I see the circles under your eyes that your makeup has lost the battle to hide.”

“Thanks for pointing that out, Jack,” Judy said, rolling her eyes. “I appreciate your ability to notice and comment on every detail ever so much.”

“My duty and pleasure,” Jack retorted. “As your friend.”

Judy rolled her eyes and looked at the pencil longingly. What a choice. To bite it or throw it at him...Hmm, which would be more satisfying she wondered, as she stared at him, then down at the pencil in her hand. As his friend, she thought, he really deserved to have that pencil--

“Don’t do it!” Jack said, surprising her with a grin. “Those pencils of yours are lethal weapons.”

“So, you and Michael are coming to my party this weekend, aren’t you?” Susan asked Sydney as they watched Judy and Jack square off - was it against each other or against their own fears? But no, they were both smiling, Susan realized and relaxed.

“Oh, I don’t---” Sydney began to demur, feeling that anxiety in the pit of her stomach at the thought of social interactions with strangers. Put her in a room with enemy operatives and she didn’t have a flicker of fear, but give her cheese and crackers with one of those frilly little toothpicks at Susan’s apartment and she’d want to hide in the bathroom as if those toothpicks were weapons. This was, probably, ridiculous, but....

“Syd. Don’t chicken out,” Susan said swiftly, seeing Sydney’s features twist with nerves.”I know you won’t know anyone there but me, Michael, Judy and your dad---”

“My dad is coming?” Sydney asked in surprise, raising her eyebrows.

“Well, I invited him. It’s an open house type party. Everyone is coming from my department and my book group, lots of people his age. And our age. People with like interests, for both of you. So, even if you’re shy---”
“Shy? My dad....”

Susan rolled her eyes. “You too. But, don’t you want to make more friends?” Syd nodded slowly. “So this is a perfect opportunity to meet people you might like.”

“You really think---” Syd began.

“Yes. I think you should make an effort. And make sure your dad does too.”

“Nia said...” Syd said thoughtfully, “She said that none of us, in this life, can afford to throw away a chance to have friends.”

Susan nodded. “I think she’s right. What do you think?”

“So...if you’re not going to throw that pencil, after all,” Jack began. “You feel this...step in the journey is necessary. You said that I graduated from therapy, so it can’t be my needs that are paramount with the display of this photograph, although I imagine that....”

“Yes. It’s a doubleplay. Although your therapy is over, finding our own best selves is a life-long learning experience. We’ve talked about this before, that I thought you had largely healed yourself. But this time, I think you need to understand just what you’ve accomplished from the time this photograph was taken, by seeing it through Sydney’s eyes, for her sake, for the sake of your relationship. It's necessary.”

“I would beg to differ. Or I'd like to,” Jack sighed. “But I’m sure you’ll enlighten me. Whether I want you to or not. You seem to take great enjoyment in doing so.”

“My duty and pleasure,” Judy retorted. “So what other reason could I have for bringing this photograph out? The most important reason, by far?”

“Sydney. Telling her. I...need help,” Jack admitted.

“Yes, you do,” Judy said firmly. “You would screw this up on your own.”

“Thanks a bunch!” Jack griped, feeling his muscles relax as they talked.

“Because I don’t think you truly understand what you accomplished in the wake of your breakdown,” Judy opined. “We’ve been over your PTSD, but I want to explain it to Sydney. She has such a...well, childish view of you in some ways...”

“In some ways her emotional development was stunted when Laura died. Yes, I know. She tends to see me sometimes, or wants to see me as if I were the father of her childhood, who she knew, or thought she knew, as being without flaws....”
“Yes. And she needs to know the real you, good points and bad--”

“Really? Must she know the bad points too? I was so hoping to avoid that,” Jack said in that prissy voice that he knew irritated her.

“Welllll, “Judy began with a smile, “You can forget that idea. Your flaws are glaringly obvious, after all. To a mature adult with eyes, anyway.”

“You know, Judy,” Jack began after a moment, losing the battle to control the smile that had begun to tease the corners of his mouth as she teased him. “I see the sweat, no, excuse me, ladies don’t sweat, they ‘glow', right? I see the glow on your face and I know you're nervous too. Will you have to change your shirt today?”

“Well, that’s far easier than changing one’s world view and what one sees when one looks in the mirror, isn’t it?” Judy shot back.

Jack sighed. She was a master of the direct hit, wasn’t she? “Whatever. You want to show this to her, have me explain...what happened. When I’m not quite sure myself. What explanation could I have for what I did? How I abandoned her,” he swallowed hard and looked down for a moment, “Like my father abandoned me and my mother? Only mine was worse. It was a good thing when he left, really.”

“ But you had been a good father before....”

“Yes. I was,” Jack said softly, looking over at Sydney who was staring at his face intently, no doubt trying to ignore Susan. “If I had more...courage, perhaps---”

“Jack. Stop it. You do have courage. So much courage. Not only then,” she pointed to the photograph, “To which we will return in a moment. But now. Downstairs, even before -- on the way here -- you were obviously....discomfitted by what you could sense was about to happen, yet you allowed it to happen. No, that’s not true. You made and are making a choice to go forward with this. Let’s be honest, if you didn’t want to allow this to happen, you would and could find a way out of this. You could storm off right now. You could have gone straight to the cemetery and told Sydney part of the truth or none of it at all. You could misdirect and tap dance your way around this. If you chose. You have that ability. I know that. You know that. But you are choosing to participate in something that is obviously causing you pain because you know---”

“That was quite a speech. Were you working on it all night or just this morning?” Jack asked with a smug, if small, smile of his own.

Judy waved the pencil at him, as she said, smiling, “This could go into your eye, you know.”

“No. I reserve that right for myself when I’m meddling, remember? But speaking of meddling, I imagine you are doing this for a good reason. No, I know you are,” He took a deep breath, “And I know that I have to do this. Use option c.”
“Let me guess. Option A was saying nothing. As you have for all those years. Option B was lying. And Option C is telling the truth.”

“Yes. Although, I wasn’t considering lying as a real option, you know,” Jack told her.
“I know. And Option A...”

“I’ve already used that. And it hasn’t gotten me to the destination I desire. I like to think I don’t make the same mistake twice. So, the truth is best. As it almost always is.”

“Best for whom?”

“For us, our relationship. For Sydney. Because I love her and...you’re right, she needs to know this. And...for me. I need to... Get it over with. Let it all go.”

“Yes. But...not everyone would make that choice. It’s easier---”

“In the short term. Yes. To stay in that nice, comfortable little box of familiarity?” He shook his head, as he looked out over the city from their vantage point on the roof top. “But long term? No. And...for once...or rather, finally, I can see and care about the long term because I have hope. So...” But he did not move.

Judy nodded, but did not move either. Jack shook his head and smiled. “You know, Judy, you really need to work on your fear of heights. You rushed over here after me, like a good friend, but forgot about your fear and now you’re stuck?”

“Oh...shut up,” Judy said, giving him a grimace. “I’m....working on it. I know it’s ridiculous---”

“Well, that’s the first step. I speak from a wealth of experience with fear, as you know. Now how about you take a step?” Jack suggested, not realizing that he now took a step forward himself.

“I know I shouldn’t allow that one horrible---” Judy began as she took a small step.

“Plane ride a few months ago? The one where the idiot flight attendant yelled out, ‘I think we’re all gonna die!’ That one? Someone should have shot that fool. Here, take another step,” Jack said as he moved forward himself.

“How did you know, anyway?” Judy asked as she also took steps.

Jack rolled his eyes. “How do you think? Susan. She’s a regular font of information. Okay, just one more.”

Judy sighed heavily as they approached Sydney and Susan. “Thank you, Jack, for getting me away from the edge.”
“You weren’t even close to the edge. You just thought you were and...” He gave a wry smile, and said, ”Thanks for using that fear and your talents to get me to turn around and slowly take my first steps back toward---” He gestured toward Sydney. “The future.”

“You figured it out?” Judy asked.
“That you were really afraid, but that you would also use it to give me time to walk it slowly because I admit...I have some fear. Of course I knew, eventually. Like I knew, eventually, that you were deliberately making me angry to prove that I could get angry and the sky would not fall. You’re good. But my best friend was a psychologist. I know all of the tricks of your people.”

“Your people?” Judy repeated with a small smile. “Considering that you know more about psychological manipulation than any other PhD I ever met, I think the correct phrase would be ‘our people.’ But, you know, don’t you, that it will be okay. Jack. I promise,” she said, watching him carefully saw him swallow multiple times. “Are you ready?”

“I’m ready to vomit,” Jack admitted, feeling his face stiffen in rejection at his admission of his emotions. He fought to control it. Fought to remember his own vow to have faith, his hard-won faith.

In what do I have faith? Nothing. Experience shows me that...

Nothing? No one? Your daughter? Judy had challenged him. That’s right, you don’t trust that your daughter will love you if she finds out who you really are.

He had felt his eyes nearly pop out of his head. What! What did you say?

You let your fear govern you. The last time you actually admitted an emotional truth in here, that you were afraid you were losing your daughter, you left and devised that Madagascar plan.

Debacle, he had said under his breath.

Yes. Debacle. So stop operating from fear. Start operating from faith. In yourself, if nothing else, in your own self-worth. Under that mask you wear so effortlessly, under that disguise you assume whenever you become uncomfortable---

“Your face is flushed,” Judy said, gazing at him intently, noting that his eyes were surprisingly calm, despite his words. His heart, his gut had accepted this necessity, but his brain, which tended to overanalyze everything, just had not yet realized it.

“Anger and anxiety will do that,” he said slowly. Both exhaled in relief as he allowed his face to soften and show his emotions.

“Just wait a minute and--”

“Or what, you’ll pinch me again?”

“Listen to what your instincts are telling you.” Judy urged. Jack nodded. In a moment, she asked, “Do you want me to send Susan down for some bottles of water?” Judy asked solicitously, although she had no intention of delaying for too much longer. It was like a band-aid, just rip it off and get on with it.

“Right now...Just give me a second. Wait. Give me your free hand, please,” Jack asked. When Judy held out her left hand he grasped it in his and nodded. “Good, nice and cold.”

Judy laughed, “That’s how you knew I was nervous about this? You felt the coldness in my hands downstairs? Made your own diagnosis, doctor?”

Jack started. Don’t tell me, he looked upward again, that she knows about that. Then started again, when she put that cool hand on his forehead. Closing his eyes, he took deep breaths. Remembered the last time, remembered her saying....Are you okay, Jack? Do you want to take a break? Judy asked with concern, handing him a water bottle.

Nah. Its gonna get worse before it gets better, isn’t it? So, let’s just keep moving, he had said with resignation. Now, he said firmly, “Okay, I’m ready now. Thank you.”

“My duty and pleasure,” Judy said, softly, waiting until he moved forward of his own volition.

“My father is...worried, isn’t he?” Sydney asked. Shaking her head as she had watched Dr. Barnett put her hand on his forehead, she asked, “Does she think he has a fever? His face is flushed. But then again, he was yelling before....”

“I think he’s nervous and she’s calming him down. And her hands were like ice when I handed her the--”

Sydney nodded absently. “Nervous? He’s....nervous about....What we talked about before? That the thing you fear most is losing the person you love? He thinks whatever is in that...is it a photograph? That I will leave him? Why would he think that? I’m his daughter. I love him. I won’t leave him.”

“Tell him that,” Susan suggested.

As they moved forward, Jack through sheer force of will, he considered that he had gone into countless gun battles with nary a flicker of nerves, faced an endless stream of enemy operatives with nothing but coldness in his veins, but this...telling his daughter of his breakdown....This...was much harder. This was making his blood pound like a drum through his veins. Then, only his life had been at stake. Now...it was something much more important. His relationship with his daughter, whom he loved more than life itself. And Judy thought he had to do this to enable her to understand...She was right, he knew. He took another step forward.

Looking at Sydney, he decided to listen to his instincts. And his instincts, his gut, he realized, were calm. It was his brain that was resisting. So...he needed to just let it happen. Let it go.

Then, as he took a deep breath and shoved a hand through his hair, he remembered that when he let go of control with people he trusted, ironically, he found himself.

Sometimes, he thought as he took a step without hesitation this time, feeling a sense of peace come over him, sometimes you just had to let go, have faith and trust that someone would catch you when you fall. Sometimes that was the best choice.

TBC at Chapter 1004 Part 2 section 4 of 5