The Perfect Weapon Ending 1 Chapter 1004: Part 2 section 5 of 5

[camillecarelli]

Ending 1 Chapter 1004 Part 2 section 5 of 5

“How could she have thought you would see that, that you wouldn’t be devastated...Oh, no....” Sydney groaned. “She did the same thing I just did....She didn’t acknowledge that you had vulnerabilities.”

“I think....perhaps, that she may have felt that I would react the way she would. That I would see everything in context of a game, of a play,” Jack explained.

Sydney nodded. “Like she did when you were playing her in this last game.”

“Yes. She thought I would think that I had just been beaten by a better gamesplayer. That she loved me, you, but that I, at least, would understand that it was a professional matter. Nothing---” Jack shrugged.

“Nothing personal. Nothing personal....” Sydney shook her head. “A truly phenomenal exercise in compartmentalization, shoving all that guilt down into some little, locked box where you did not have to examine it... It’s amazing, isn’t it?”

“What is?” Judy asked quietly, prompting only when necessary. Any time now she could just exit quietly and the two of them could finish this. And she knew Jack had one more stop to make today.

“How a strength - the ability to compartmentalize in this case - becomes a weakness. If she had not excelled at compartmentalization, she might have seen, known, understood what she was doing and never left us. Then. Now. But the irony is, if she had not that ability, she could never have fooled you for so long. Had this life...she...Did she want our life, Dad? Did she?”

“On some level, yes. I believe she did. But she wanted---”

“The game more,” Sydney said flatly. “Rambaldi. Immortality. As if eternal life matters when the people you love most want nothing to do with you after you betrayed them to achieve it. It’s a trap. The game becomes a seductive, endless trap from which you can only extricate yourself by remembering what is truly important. The ones you love.”

“Yes, in the end, that is what matters. Not what you believe. But how you treat others,” Jack said. “That is the measure of a man. And a woman.” Then he groaned. “Geez, that sounds like something you’d find on a fortune cookie, but...”

“It’s simple, but true, Jack.” Judy smiled, Or, remember than song from our youth? Something about the love you take has to equal the love you make?”

“It’s another damn circle, Judy. Let’s face it, it’s all a circle,” Jack said, looking at Sydney’s hand and his clasping each other, at Judy’s hand on his arm now, remembering earlier Vaughn’s firm grasp on his hand in the prison. “Thankfully.”

“Yes, it is. And it was, in the end, love that saved you from the blackness. That brought you back into the light,” Judy said softly.

“What do you mean? What do you know now that you didn’t know before?” Jack asked.

“You said a moment ago,” Judy commented, “That it was Sydney that saved you over the years from that cold, aching pit within. That at the time of your breakdown you just wanted quiet and-“

“And that was selfish,” he sighed. “I should have been thinking about you---” He nodded at his daughter.

“Dad. You were sick. You would not have chosen to leave me like that,” Sydney said firmly, knowing it was the truth.

“No, you’re right. You are what pulled him back to consciousness, in fact,” Judy said to Sydney.”Then and later, two years ago, when you forced him to see a therapist. It was always you.”

“What do you mean? Then, it was her? They didn’t let her see me, when I was....incoherent, did they?” Jack asked, his brow creasing.

“No, no, Jack. That’s-“ She hastened to reassure him. “But even if it were true, does it matter? Truly?”

“I’m trying to be a big boy and tell myself it doesn’t, alright, Judy? But what did you find...where was it? In Dave’s notes?”

“That was my starting point, “Judy told him. “Those notes were the key to the rest of your life.”

“You had a little something to do with it, Judy. Don’t deny your talent and skill and....” he sighed melodramatically, “Truly phenomenal persistence in the face of my...reluctance. She yelled at me, you know, Sydney. I believe one time she even told me to sit down and shut up.”

“I’ve had the urge myself a time or two,” Sydney said dryly. “You can inspire that reaction in people. It’s one of your gifts.”

“Ah, yes, it is, Jack. The sheer... irritation you inspire can create memories that last a lifetime,” Judy said with that smug smile he really disliked.

“Just spit it out. You’re dying to tell me about some stellar piece of background research you did. I just know it.”

“You know, I’m sure you have this experience as well, how in one’s career, certain situations, people stand out in your memory?” Judy asked.

Jack nodded. “For good or ill, yes, certain times, people, stay fixed in one’s mind. But what does that have to do...”

Judy began rocking on her heels, just to annoy, he knew, as she began, “Your nurse, one of your nurses in the hospital after your breakdown talked about how you said to her-“

“Wait. A. Second. You spoke with one of my nurses? And she remembered me? That’s ridiculous,” Jack scoffed.

“Ha!” Judy scoffed in return. “You think you’re so forgettable, Jack? You’re not the easiest patient, you know. I have lost more sleep over you than a hundred other patients combined."

"Take something," Jack said, witha sidelong look at Sydney, wondering if she remembered him saying that to her when she had first begun to press him about her mother and had complained of being unable to sleep.

"Dad, you are...impossible. And you know it.” Sydney, elbowed her father, remembeing that same comment from him so long ago, almost a different person ago.

“I told you. It’s a gift. I have many. The ability to break a pencil into the maximum number of small pieces and simultaneously use the breaking of that pencil to instill fear and trepidation in those around me. And then there’s---”

“Sydney, you see my point?” Judy commented.

“That it might stick in one’s mind, how impossible he is?” Sydney laughed. “Yeah, I see the point---”

“Oh, stop it. That’s not why---” Jack argued.

“No, it’s not. I was teasing. I went through Dave’s notes carefully because there was, in my opinion, an anomaly that I saw when I was typing up my notes about our last session that led me to a supposition. I wondered if Dave paid off this nurse. So, I did some research while you were running on your game on Derevko. Found the nurse. Asked her point blank if he paid her off. And he did. That’s why she remembered.”

“She just admitted it?” Sydney asked.

“Yes. Well, after a few questions. She had always felt guilty about the poor care your father received. I think it was a relief to confess to someone.”

“After a few questions, my as- my Aunt Fanny.” He stopped when Sydney and Judy rolled their eyes at each other. “You know, you two, your eyes are going to get stuck up there one of these days. But back to Nurse Ratchett. I’m sure you ably interrogated her and played on her guilt,” Jack surmised. “Of course you did, you are good at your own games, Judy.”

“Coming from you, that’s the highest compliment I could receive, I suppose,” Judy said with a smile.

“I’ll frame a certificate for your wall of diplomas, “Jack quipped. “But back on point. Dave...” He trailed off as he remembered.

It's time, Jack. It's time to start recovering, get on with your life. Or close to it. And I’m not going to give up until you admit it. At a certain point you’ll be ready. You’ll say, It’s time, Dave. And I’ll be waiting for you.

No, you won’t. Jack had said, half-laughing, half-serious. You’ll be back there pushing me or in front of me, pulling me.

“He... found a way to push. Wait. Of course.” Jack thought for a moment, then said, “Dave would not have given up with just that one visit to the hospital. He would have... How did you know, anyway? What was the anomaly?“

“In his notes. He knew too much about your condition as it happened. As you said, Dave was no game player, he dated his notes truthfully. And if you look at the dates, he was noting your progress or lack thereof as it happened. He had to have inside information. And given your condition when you were brought in --”“A babbling idiot, you mean?”

“That’s unkind to yourself, Jack. I never want to hear you talk like that about yourself again. Is that clear?”Judy asked fiercely, pointing the pencil at him.

“Yes!” Jack growled and shoved his hand through his hair. Then started, when Sydney reached up and smoothed his hair down.

Leaning close to him, Sydney whispered, “It will be okay. And Dr. Barnett’s right. Besides, I’m a little afraid of that pencil of hers.”

“Me too,”Jack said with a smile. Then he took a deep breath. “Okay. Dave. He paid her off to do what?”

“Report on your progress eventually. But initially, when you were first admitted and were not yourself ---”

“Out of it,” Jack said flatly.

“Well, that’s better, “Judy said with a wry smile. “Dave paid her to mention Sydney every time she was in your room, gave her stories to tell you, to reach you through that wall you had erected in self defense.”

“He what?” Sydney asked. “Why?”

“Dave, I think you knew him as Uncle Dave, Sydney?” Judy asked.

Sydney nodded, “Yes, I’ve remembered that, him, now. To some extent. I remember how although he was quick to correct me if I were misbehaving, which I...” She coughed, “Often was--”

“Dave was...bossy sometimes,” Jack said, with a nostalgic smile, as he watched Sydney’s brow furrow. She was spending too much time with Vaughn, he thought as he watched her brain try and find a memory. Softly, so as not to interrupt her thought processes, he said to Judy, “It must be a characteristic of your people, Judy. That you always think you know best.”

“Because we do,” Judy said quietly, with a grin. “The world is just lucky that we share our brilliance with the rest of you poor, benighted, less enlightened types.”

“Oh, puh-leeze,” Jack responded as they both waited for Sydney to recover a memory.

“Uncle Dave used to say....He always said you were spoiling me. I remember that!” Sydney said triumphantly.

Jack sighed. “So did your mother. I plead guilty. I was a total sucker for the wheedling voice, the big eyes -- and I know what you were doing before, Sydney. I only hope I’ll improve with my grandchildren.” Jack gave her a pointed look which she ignored.

“But Uncle Dave was...how did you see him? He was more to you, to us, than a friend, wasn’t he?” Sydney asked, remembering, seeing in her mind’s eye, her father hugging Dave good bye; listening, truly listening when Dave spoke; remembering occasionally her mother telling her not to interrupt her father when he was talking to Dave after returning home from some trip....seeing so much else, truly understanding for the first time the pain her father must have felt at his death.

“He...was...” He shook his head.

Judy jumped in, asking Sydney, “But I bet the bossiness is not what you remember most about Dave, is it?”

“Uncle Dave.... he was almost always laughing, always got Dad going. Or Dad got him going....You two were always up to something...I remember being excited whenever I heard he was coming over because something would happen when he was at our house. Which was...all the time, wasn’t it? I remember that he was there all the time. He was a joker, a tease. Could get Mom so agitated, him, the two of you, you two used to pick on her anal compulsiveness...” She trailed off, remembering. “But she would always end up laughing with you. And....I remember the look on your face when he was with us. And I remember the laughter.”

“So do I,” Jack said softly. “And the love I felt for him, he for me. We were like brothers.”

“Yes,” Judy said softly. “The love and the laughter. Great gifts. Something to always remember, never forget, no matter who is making the gift and what happens to them.”

“Francie, Danny, Emily, I won’t forget,” Sydney added. And wondered if she should include in the list of people who gave love and who were now gone, her mother?

“I will never forget Dave, of course,” Jack added. And the Laura he had once known.

“And you shouldn’t But another great gift was Dave’s persistence, his ability to look at a problem and find a way to help the other person find the best solution. Dave, as Jack has said more than once, should have stayed in therapy. He was a brilliant therapist, had such potential to make a difference, to help people turn their lives around if they would only listen. And in Jack’s case, although Dave could not find a way inside the hospital, he found a way to reach inside Jack, to make him listen, by appealing to Jack’s deepest needs. Well, for all of us our deepest need is for human connection and for Jack, that would be you, Sydney.”

“So, he paid this nurse to mention my name when she was in Dad’s room and that reached him?” Sydney confirmed.

“Yes. It took a little while, but finally, he came to. His first word was your name,” Judy said softly. “As his last words were about you, his first words were as well. He asked where you were, demanded to know where he was, demanded a shower and a shave, haircut, clean clothes. He did not want you to see him as he was. And he wanted to see you. The nurse remembered that moment because, Jack, she was so relieved that you were conscious - I think she was a little afraid of Dave. I gather he could be intimidating when he wanted?” She paused, remembering the ferocity in his notes and Jack nodded, remembering Dave on missions or more often, confronting people he thought were harming themselves or others. Judy nodded in return and continued, “And the nurse remembered because you were so adamant, so determined, so fierce. He demanded, demanded, demanded -“

“I can imagine. When Dad wants something, he wants something. He has patience, but he’ll get what he wants,” Sydney said softly, but with a smile, trying not to weep as she imagined his panic at waking up and not knowing where he was, where she was. At the loss of control.

“I am not that inflexible,” Jack felt compelled to note. “If what I wanted were unrealistic or if I determined that I was wanting the wrong -“

“Yes, Jack,” Judy said with an amused tone, “You’re a regular paragon of virtue when it comes to listening to that little voice inside-“

“Judy, where is your pencil?” Jack broke in, grinding his teeth.

“Why?”Judy asked innocently, doing that rocking business that drove him right up the wall. “Why?”

“Why don’t you just...bite it?” Jack growled at her.

Then scowled when she laughed. Laughed loudly too! What was it with these psychologist types? First Dave, Susan, then Judy - none of them seemed to be afraid of him. What good was his reputation if they didn’t fear him, anyway? That therapist in the hospital had seemed terrified...But then again, he sighed, that therapist had been worthless. So, maybe, no, in reality, the lack of fear Dave, Susan and Judy felt in his presence was a saving grace. But why no fear? Maybe it came from mucking around all day in people’s subconscious. That was probably it. The mind was much scarier than anything the body could devise. As he knew, looking at the photograph in Sydney’s hand. Damn, he’d just like to rip it up.

Judy began again, “But back on point? When you came to consciousness, you were determined that you would get clean and get clean now. Not later, now. And---”

“Wait,” Sydney said, holding up a hand. Thinking, as she saw her father standing there today in jeans and a sweater, his hair rumpled from shoving it back with his hands, looking like an older version of the father she remembered, that his long-time fastidiousness now had an explanation. That his clothing had been his...armor. “Dad....I see you now, know you now,” she waved a hand at his jeans, his sweater, his bare forearms, his slightly-messy hair, “And I remember the man you were before. And I wonder...where were you all those years? Where were you hiding? My...daddy. Where were you? Why couldn’t you reach out?”

Finally, Judy thought with a swamping feeling of relief. Soon they could get off of this roof.

“I was...I was trapped. On two levels,” Jack said, the words suddenly coming if not with ease, with necessity. “One was the...strategic level. I couldn’t tell you the truth about your mother. Then, you were a child. And later, even then I couldn’t hurt you that way. Not would not. Could not, I just could not bring myself to do it, inflict that pain on you. And if I told you that truth, then I would have to tell you other truths, who I was or rather, what I did for a living. As Judy showed me, I am not the sum total of my work. But it was too dangerous to tell you. Then Arvin recruited you, which meant I definitely could not tell you, it would be even more dangerous to get close to you, have you discover my secret --that I was a double. And... I couldn’t tell you the truth about SD-6 and put you in danger, which Arvin knew, of course, when he recruited you.

Jack sighed. “Then too, if I ever wanted to make an overt move, I could not. You were hostage to my good behavior. It was brilliant, of course, the way he trapped me. And in some horrible, terrible, heinous way, it was only Danny’s death, which allowed you to discover the truth, that freed me. Maybe I should have told you before...I should have, I should have. But would you have believed me? You would have no reason to believe me, but I should have tried---”

“Shoulda, woulda, coulda, Jack,” Judy said. “Stop it.”

Jack nodded, “But I was like the walking dead, in many ways.”

“But you were alive. And functioning.” Judy pointed out, “More than functioning, really, if you consider the emotional and psychological difficulties of being a double.”

“Oh, I’ve considered it. Wondered if the energy I had to use for that prevented me from healing ...”

“It hardly matters does it?” Sydney asked. “You did what you had to do. “ Then she turned to Judy and asked slowly, “But by tragedy, you meant, Dr. Barnett, that if Dad had gotten appropriate help....”

“Yes, that’s what I mean. If he had gotten help, either from an outside therapist or Dave, the story would be different. But...the point is, that we have to deal with the reality we have. Which is, Sydney, that what happened between you and your father after he was released from the hospital was hardly his choice. He could not make emotional connections in that condition, he was incapable of it. Of course, the horror of that condition is that exactly what one needs to recover from it, in the end, are emotional connections. Only that will free you.”

“It’s a vicious cycle,” Sydney said slowly.

“I...told Irina this morning....” Jack began.
“Was it only this morning that we were there, Dad?” Sydney asked, giving him a small smile.

He felt a little tenseness leave him. “Yes. When is lunch anyway?”

“Soon, Jack, you’re almost done,” Judy said softly. “What did you tell Irina this morning?”

“I told her that the situation spiraled out of control.”

“Yes, that’s an excellent description, Jack, “Judy said. “What else did it feel like?”

“How did I know you were going to ask that? I knew it from the moment I spoke with you on the phone in the car that it was going to come to this. So here’s what I was thinking.... It was like you are behind this translucent curtain. You’re there, your self is there and you can work, and go about your business. You can see through it, but not clearly. I told myself that I didn’t deserve you. That...it was better to pull back...I was afraid of losing you too. I know that sounds ridiculous now, but it made sense then. Some horrible sense that only is rational when you can’t see clearly behind that curtain. Where you can’t touch anything, not really, not what you need. And after a while, you just become accustomed to it. You know it’s not the way it should be, but you just can’t push the curtain aside. Something holds you back. And...that’s why I needed that push, I guess, to reach beyond the curtain for what I needed or to find a tool, a weapon in my own defense, to cut it away.”

“You need to make an emotional connection, but you can’t. And you need to, some part of you knows you need to, but you can’t.” Judy commented, and added. “Then that perceived failure just feeds into the sense of failure, the sense of being out of control-“

“That’s it...the spiral.” Jack said slowly. “I...always felt like I was just on this side of losing control, breaking down again.”

“Which would be terrifying for anyone, but for you, it was far worse. Your worst fear - that you would be out of control, like your father. But in fact....” Judy said, grabbing his arms with both of her hands. “All due to your own strength. Not due to any help you were given. All on your own. That is an important accomplishment, Jack. You went from this...” She tapped the photograph and said, “To the man I saw the first time. Who had so much potential.”

Jack gave one of those crooked grins as he said, “Whom you accused of lying to you within the first hour of our acquaintance.”

“Yes. And then you came back and requested more sessions. On your own, “Judy noted. “Jack... Truly, I was shocked and amazed.”

“It was Sydney,” Jack said. “She made me come in.”

“Initially. But Dad, you came back and came back and came back. You made that decision, that choice to get better. To find yourself again.” Sydney finished, “To reach out to me.”
“You reached back,” Jack noted.
“Connection is a two way street,” Judy said softly, watching father and daughter.

“Yes, it is. As is understanding,” Sydney said with a deep breath. This...growing up business was exhausting. “And Dad. Stop it with the guilt. You did the best you could. You were trying to protect me. And you were trapped. Not through your own choice. All anyone can do is their best. You’re not perfect and neither am I.”

Jack stared at her in surprise. Had his little girl finally grown up? “I know. Judy keeps telling me I’m not perfect. As...my breakdown proves. But even after the truth came out....But even then, even then, I was still trapped in that other...prison. This...” He swallowed and looked with trepidation at the photograph clutched in Judy’s hand. “If I’d only--But...The worst part of this...” he said haltingly, wondering where Judy had put that pencil because he would really like to tap it or break it right now. “Is that I could not see that I was doing to you what my father had done to me. Not the physical abuse,” he said softly. Sydney put her hand on his arm and squeezed again as he continued, “But...the abandonment. I abandoned you too. And I’ll never forgive myself for that, never. Every time, I think of it....”

“Jack, what’s the point of binging on guilt about this? What’s the advantage?” Judy asked.

“What do you mean?”

Judy plucked the photograph from Sydney’s hands and slowly crunched it between her hands. “This does not matter anymore. What matters is now. The choices you make now. Now, for the future. Your choices, as you know, determine your future.”

“Yes,” Sydney said nodding.

“I know but...” Jack began, still feeling so much guilt he could choke on it.

“Jack, do you ever think you might slip back to this?” Judy asked, pointing at the photograph. He should not fear that any longer, but she had to check.

“Yes. I mean, no. Not now. Not any more. I did before.”

“Jack, the proof is in the pudding. The truth is, that if you could withstand the months of interacting with Derevko as well as you did--”

“To say nothing of those torture sessions you call therapy,” Jack commented with a smile.

“Jack, even if something terrible happened now...do you think you would break down again? Before you answer, let me ask you this question. Inside yourself, in your self...Are you a different person in some ways than you were before? Think about it.”
“I won’t be driven by fear instead of faith again. I know, I know. I won’t make that mistake again,” Jack asserted.

“No, you won’t. Because, don’t you think you are a stronger person now than you have ever been in your entire life?”

“I....Yes. Actually, you’re right. I do, I feel different. Dave was right.” He heard Dave’s taunting voice, pushing him to find himself, I’ll keep on saying it.... Self esteem, self esteem, self esteem....

“As were you. I’m glad to report that you are smarter than the average rat,” Judy said, laughing. Jack broke into surprised laughter too. Sydney looked from one to the other and sighed, must be a private joke.

“And if you were lost then,” Sydney looked at the photograph, “Now you’re found,” Sydney said firmly. “And you won’t get lost behind that curtain again even if something were to happen. I won’t let you.”

“You...You were the one who helped me this time. It was your love and concern that forced me to see a therapist. And Judy...helped me find my faith.”

“With Dave’s help,” Judy interjected, certain that she could not have achieved a breakthrough so quicklywithout that gift of love from the grave.

“Sydney....I am sorry, so sorry, that I was lost or trapped, personally, emotionally,” Jack said finally, needing to say it again. “I would much rather have been a mess professionally than--

“That’s idiotic. Then you would have been dead. This way you’re alive and I’m alive and we have our whole lives ahead of us. It’s not perfect. But what is? And it’s in the past. The past.”

“But still-“

“Dr. Barnett, did you ever feel like hitting him over the head with a brick?” Sydney asked, hand on one hip.

“I believe his head would crack a brick,” Judy noted. “So I throw pencils.”

“I can see why,” Sydney growled.

“If you two are done discussing me as if I were a....” You’re being a petulant child, he heard Dave say. Was he doing that again? But, “I wish I could...that would be one way I wish I could turn back the hands of time.”

“Dad...”
“Have a do over, recover the time, the moments...If only, I-“

“Dad! Shut. Up!” Sydney shrieked. “You make me insane.” Turning to Dr. Barnett, she hissed, “He is impossible. Susan's right. He definitely owes you a new shirt, a bottle of Scotch or the biggest bottle of Tylenol on the market. Or possibly all three.”

“Actually,” Jack drawled slowly, “The shirt’s a little personal, so I was thinking flower-“

“Shut up!” Judy and Sydney said together.

“Sydney,” Judy sighed, ignoring Jack, “Do you remember - was your father always this much of a tease, was he always this much of a --?”

“Smartass? Yes,” Sydney said without thought. Then tucking her hair behind her ear, she tilted her head and looked at her father. “Yes, seeing that look on his face right now - that gleeful, boy, isn’t it fun to get people going look - I do remember that. He probably saw it as a game, would be my guess, a game at which he excelled.”

“Well, one should play to one’s strengths, I always say,” Jack said smugly.

“Yeah, and as we know, strengths can become weaknesses. This time...it’s your turn to just accept the reality that it’s over. It’s over, Dad,” she said pointing at the crumpled photograph. “Let’s go. Let’s move on.”

“You forgive me?”

“Of course I forgive you! You apologized. You try every day. You love me and I love you. I forgive you.”

“I don’t know how you can have the...grace to forgive me, I don’t, Sydney.”

Judy sighed, this elliptical thought process of Jack’s....It was exhausting, sometimes. But this was now Sydney’s mission. She had to do this on her own.

Sydney sighed and looked at Dr. Barnett who merely looked back at her. Okay, she was on her own. She could do this. She needed to find a finish, a way to put a period to this. For some reason, he was running in circles on this point....Ah! She needed to run a little game on her father. Where to start this end run......Ha! She had it. Hoist by his own petard, this would be good.

“Dad, “ she began and cleared her throat so she would not laugh aloud when she saw the warning frown on Dr. Barnett’s face. “Ahem. You said before, that if Irina had apologized, changed, you would have forgiven her, right?”

“Yessss.”
“And it would have taken work to rebuild the trust, to build on the love? But you would have done it, right? If she had truly apologized and changed?”
“Yes, but what---”

“And you’ve apologized to me, you’ve tried to be a good father, in sometimes....unusual ways, but nonetheless, you’ve tried. And you’ve worked at it? That is what this roof top conversation is about, it’s about us? You are working on it, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but it’s different....”

“How, how is it different? You think it’s just a higher level of guilt?”

“No, that’s not---”

“Or, I know! You are a better person than I am, with a bigger heart, a bigger capacity to forgive than I have?” Sydney asked, planting her hands on her hips and leaning forward. “Well, that’s a fine comment on your own daughter, let me tell you that!” She ignored Dr. Barnett’s eye roll and biting of her lip.

‘I didn’t mean---”

“So, you could forgive Irina if she apologized, had changed?”

“I already said that! Why---”

“So, if you were willing to forgive, why shouldn’t I?”

Jack stared at her, then smiled slowly. “You are my daughter, in case there was any doubt.”

“Well, Sydney,” Judy said with a smile. “As neatly drawn a circle as I’ve seen. Very good job setting that trap.”

“I may not be Jack Bristow or Irina Derevko, but I can follow the path of logic to its destination quite well, thank you.” Sydney nodded at Dr. Barnett. Then putting her hands on her hips, she turned to face her father. “Well. Am I correct or not? Can I forgive you?”

“You win.”

“This is a game we both win,” Sydney said, grabbing her father’s arms and kissing his cheek. Pulling back, she commented, “You just let me win, because you wanted---”

“No comment.”

“Dad...I just want you to know that I admire how much courage it has taken you to change your life. To make difficult choices. To see options. To have the courage to see options, when it would have been so much easier, more comfortable to stay behind that curtain. One thing I’ve learned in my work and now from watching you, is that courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s having fear, knowing you have fear and still doing the best you can. And that’s the point. You did do the best you could. And you still are. I see you interacting in new and different ways, see the impact that has on everyone around you.”

She stopped and shared a look with Dr. Barnett as Jack looked down, his cheeks slightly red.

“Like whom, Sydney?” Judy prompted. Did Sydney realize what Jack was doing?

“Me, obviously. But...Vaughn too, especially Vaughn. I know it’s partly because he’s my boyfriend, partly because I think, although you’d deny it, that you actually do like him. And don’t say you don’t want to kill him anymore.” Sydney smiled. “Because I know the truth...Much of it is because of a killing. It’s because of his father? What she did? You’re trying to fill in a hole, a missing connection for him?”

“Partly. He...lost his father and I...”

“Oh, Dad,” Sydney said, giving him a hug. “That’s so sweet.”

“I am not sweet. I...am just doing what I think is the right thing. And...I have to admit I’ve enjoyed it. All of it. Making friends out of people I’ve known for so long, but never really knew. I look forward to coming into work now. I bought some books with Susan. I looked up jewelry making on the internet. I--”

“You’re having a life again,” Sydney said firmly. “Finding who you are.”

“Yes. I feel like I am, for the first time in so long, moving forward.” He looked over at Judy. “Now that I’ve let go---”

“And now, what do you feel, Jack?” Judy asked, daring to ask the question one last time.

Looking up, looking away for a long moment, he finally turned back to them and said firmly, “Free, I feel free. I have nothing left to hide, do I? And there is a freedom in that, isn’t there?”

“Yes. So, rip that photograph up.”

“What?” Jack asked in surprise, as he watched her lightly smooth out the photograph she had crushed herself.

“Here.” She handed it to him, waited until he took it. Then said, “Tear it into little pieces. Consider it...occupational therapy.”

“Ah. Using my hands. Like you told me before...get a hobby using my hands. Jewelry or gardening or...”
“Yes. Rip it up. Now. You’re ready.”
Looking at the photograph, he lifted it in his hands and tore it down the middle.

Rrrippp

He gave one half to Sydney. Then he ripped his piece in two.

Rrrippp

The satisfying rrrripppp was followed by another, then another, then another, faster and faster, over and over as they tore the photograph up and Judy took the pieces in her hands. With each rip, with each diminution of the photograph, Jack felt the fear that he would fall apart again diminish and fade away as the image was lost and became impossible to restore. Finally, when the photograph was nothing more than confetti, Judy suggested softly, “Now, let it go. Go over to the edge and let it go. Let the wind take it wherever it will. Away.” She nodded at Sydney who cupped her hands as Judy poured the pieces into them.

“Aren’t you coming with us, Judy?” Jack asked.

“No. This is for you and Sydney.”

“But,” Jack began to protest. “You’ve been with me every step---”

Not every step, Jack, Judy thought, I was not there in Panama. That would have been carrying the role of a therapist a bit too far. She bit her lip so she wouldn’t laugh aloud. Jack gave her a suspicious look and she commented quickly, “You made the choice to get better on your own. It’s time for you to say goodbye to the...flotsam and jetsam of your past,” Judy pointed at the ripped shreds in Sydney’s hands.

“You just don’t want to go over to the wall, do you?” Jack said with a smile as he took a step back over toward Judy.

“Not really,” Judy admitted. “But-“ Why was he delaying, what was he thinking? For once she could not tell.

“We’ll have to work on your fear of heights, next,” Jack said as he stopped next to her.

“We?” Judy asked, still wondering what he was up to. He had this look of...was it nervousness? But why---

Jack shrugged, “Sure, what are friends for?”

“Jack, I’m all verklempt,” Judy said, patting her chest with her hand. “You just dangled a preposition on my behalf.”
Jack grinned, then looking down for a moment, sobered when he raised his eyes again. “I...need to thank you. Again.” He bit his lip, then nodded. “Because Judy...I am the one who is overcome. You...I told Sydney that you were a brilliant therapist and you are-“

“Dave-“

“Dave’s notes helped, were critical, but you were the one who talked or whispered or yelled at me, pushing and shoving me dark places I was loathe to enter, even though I knew I just wanted...to find my way back home.” Looking over at Sydney, he nodded in her direction. She smiled patiently at him and waited nearby, holding the shredded photograph in her cupped hands. “And thanks to you... “

“It was my duty and pleasure. As your therapist and now as your friend,” Judy asserted.

“Yes. I was...lucky when I was pushed into your office. But that office, this roof, became the two of the most important stops on my way back home.” Panama being the third stop, the middle stop. “But I’m home again. A new home.”

“Yes. And you are finding happiness. That’s what I wanted for you, I wanted your choices to lead you on your path, the right path to the man you were always meant to be,” Judy said.

“Thank you...” Jack said and in a swift move, leaned forward and hugged her. Judy dropped her pencil and saw her own surprise echoed in the shock on Sydney’s face that she saw over Jack’s shoulder. “That was okay, that I did that, wasn’t it?” Jack asked hesitantly as he pulled back after a second.

“Oh, Jack, of course it was. You just took me by surprise,” Judy laughed softly and shook her head as he looked down for a moment. “Is that why you just seemed nervous?”

“I took myself by surprise, if you want to know the truth. And I know you do,” he sighed and looked up from under his lashes, “Well, I...used to be more demonstrative---”

“More? That wouldn’t take much, Dad,” Sydney commented with a grin, “Given how undemonstrative you’ve been for the last twenty years. But...actually I do remember that...That you gave good hugs. I’m sure Dr. Barnett will always remember that.”

Given the look of shock on her face, she bet Dr. Barnett was going to remember it. That woman was always so formal....although she had seen a different side of her today. Dad even called her Judy. She cleared her throat, “Um, Judy. Is it okay if I call you Judy?” Then groaned, she sounded like Marshall. Judy nodded. Sydney continued, aware that she had almost gone away with saying this, “I want to thank you too. For this...I guess you’d call it, a final family therapy session. Thank you so much. That’s inadequate but....Thank you.”

“You are both very welcome. As I said before, my duty and pleasure. These moments are why I got into this profession. Now...if you really want to thank me...Go over there, toss those shreds up into the wind , go to the cemetery and get on with the rest of your life,” Judy said, pointing to the edge of the roof.

“I will,” Jack said firmly.

“Promise?” Judy asked.

“I promise. And I always keep my promises.” And with one last smile, he turned and walked over to Sydney, who was waiting.

Walking quickly over to the rooftop doorway, Judy opened it and stepped backward through it, keeping her gaze focused on the Bristows. Nearly tripping over Susan waiting on the other side of the door, she sighed and rolled her eyes at her assistant. Gladly taking the bottle of water Susan silently handed her, they both stood in the doorway and watched as Sydney poured the tiny shreds of the past into Jack’s hands. Looking at each other, Jack and Sydney nodded and with a quick, sharp movement, Jack flung the pieces over the edge of the roof. They watched as the wind took the detritus of the past with its ripped and jagged edges and flung it away until the pieces were mere specks in the eye and then disappeared all together into the blue sky of a brilliantly sunny day.

“Um, Judy, so what did you think?” Susan said, nodding over her shoulder at the rooftop, with a conspiratorial smile on her face, as the door closed behind them.

“Of what exactly?” Judy asked as she unscrewed the cap on the bottle and took a long drink. “A lot happened out there and-“

“Of the fact that Jack was wearing jeans,” Susan noted. They began walking down the stairs.

“Oh? Really? Was he? I wouldn’t say that I had noticed,” Judy shrugged, then took another drink.

“Oh? Really?” Susan asked with a sidelong look. She refrained from saying, you didn’t notice even when he walked over to the roof edge and leaned over? Missing that would have been a shame. She sighed, then added casually, “Say, what happened to that other photograph?”

“What photograph?”

“What photograph?” Susan squeaked. Then looking around, she whispered, “The day-um photograph of Jack on the couch in jeans and nothing else!”

“Oh,” Judy nodded. “That photograph.”

“Yes, that photograph. I don’t recall seeing it when I went to return the files to the Archives.”

“You were looking for it?” Judy asked in surprise. “Oh no. I thought you were over your crush, I told Jack you were months ago, don’t tell me---”
“I am! I’d really rather have a man I can train from the beginning. Jack is not...trainable.” Susan said.

Judy laughed. “Susan, men are not dogs. I’ve told you that before.”

“Well, my grandmother always told me it’s best to get a man young and train him right. That it’s easier to break them in properly than retrain them later. And Jack? Totally untrainable. And besides, I know I’m too young, don’t have the patience, to say nothing of the life experience one would need to handle a man like that.” She looked over at Judy, who returned her look with a neutral gaze. “But,” Susan sighed melodramatically, “That doesn’t mean I can’t look and...appreciate the view. Does it? I mean, he’s not a patient, anymore.”

“As long as he doesn’t notice and you don’t make him uncomfortable-“ Judy warned. “You know how he is....”

“Shy. I know, I know,” Susan said with a smile. “I’m really just teasing you.”

“Teasing me? I don’t see the point....” Judy paused as they approached her office door. Looking at her watch, she suggested, ”Anyway, why don’t you order lunch in for the two of us while I go change my shirt?”

“Sure, Chinese or Thai or Mexican today? Or maybe a meatball sandwich?” Susan asked. Judy shrugged and went into the small bathroom off of Susan’s reception area. “Wait. A. Minute!” Susan said a moment later. She called out, “You never told me what happened to that photograph.”

“Oh,” Judy said as she stepped through the doorway, wearing her spare shirt. “I returned it. Of course. Remember - I had kept it to show Jack in that one session before he went to Panama. But then I returned it myself. Why would you think otherwise?”

“Why indeed?” Susan said with narrowed eyes as her boss went into her office and before closing the door, told her to just call whichever restaurant could deliver the fastest and to give a yell when lunch arrived.

With a small smile, Judy turned to face the opposite side of the room. This was ridiculous, she thought, and squaring her shoulders walked determinedly over to the window. She should be able to water her own plants and look out her own window. Absently patting her scanner where it sat on the edge of her desk, she took one more step, then another until she was close to the window. Taking deep breaths she began to look down, then thought better of it. One step at a time was best when recovering from fear.

Glancing upwards, she hoped that Jack and Sydney would make the next stop a short one. Well, it shouldn’t take too long. She would imagine that Jack could dig and fill a hole pretty quickly. But she was going to win their bet she knew as she paused, debating about taking another step. Given what he intended to explain to Sydney, she could imagine he’d dig a hole all the way to China while he delayed the inevitable. Speaking of which, just do it, she told herself. There was no need to lose sleep over it, just do it....

Then she let out a peel of laughter as she recalled his words about her insomnia, “Take something indeed!” What a smartass, she’d have to find a way to pay him back for that. But thinking of what he was going to do with the rest of this morning, she took another step closer to the window herself.

TBC at Chapter 1004 Part 3 section 1 of 3