Guess What Chapters 26-30
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Your enjoyment of this chapter will be greatly increased if you have some knowledge of the classic comedy skit, “Who’s on First?” by Abbot and Costello. My grandmother loved that skit and back in the day, she could recite most of it from memory.
Chapter 26: In which the author honors her grandmother’s love of Abbott and Costello.
“Mike’s getting suspicious….No. I can handle him….Yeah, he’s starting to put two and two together…. No. I did not blow it, thank you very much. It’s the timing thing…. Yeah, he’s better than we thought…. Syd? She’s not saying anything, can’t tell if she has a clue or doesn’t care or is afraid to ask…. Distract him? Sure, I can do that. I saved something or two just in case. I may not be Mr. Games Theorist like someone I know, but I can babble with the best of them…. Later. This should be good. All those hours spent watching old tv finally pays off.”
As Weiss strolled back over to the group, Vaughn looked up and asked him sharply, “Who was that?”
W: “Why do you want to know?”
V: “Why are you reluctant to tell me who that was?”
W: “Who was where?”
V: “There, on the phone.”
W: “When?”
V: “Just NOW. When you couldn’t wait to answer.’
W: “Oh, that. Well, did you ever think it was personal?”
V: “Oh, sorry. But, no, wait a minute. You were on a secure line. And besides, what’s personal with you?”
W: “Don’t you mean, ‘Who’s personal with me?’”
V: “Who, what? No, WHEN did you get a personal life?”
W: “Hey, I have my fish and….”
V: “And what?”
W: “Don’t be so suspicious. What is it with you?”
V: ‘Me?”
W: “Yeah, you.”
V: “This isn’t about ME! It’s about you!”
W: “Me?”
V: “Yeah, YOU!”
W: “Oh, me? Or would that be ‘oh, my’? No, wrong movie. We’re not doing Oz. What were you asking? You’ve totally confused me.”
V: “I’ve confused YOU?”
W: “Yeah. You’re babbling today. Is this what sex does for you? Makes you babble?”
V: “WHAAT? I do not….Arrghh. You’ve confused me so much, at this point I don’t know which end’s up!”
W: “You don’t? Well, that could be a problem. Poor Sydney. Maybe you two need couples therapy. I don’t know if Barnett offers that, but surely she could supply you with a recommendation. Confidentially, I’m sure.”
V: “Couple’s therapy? Are you NUTS? I don’t have any problems.”
W: “Well, neither do I. I wasn’t the one with the problem opposite of ---“
V: “Stop it! I don’t have that problem when…Why are we having this conversation?”
W: “I don’t know. You started it.”
V: “Did not.”
Sydney stopped swiveling her head between the two men long enough to interject in Vaughn’s direction, “Actually you did.”
V: “For the love of…What were we talking about?”
W: “Your sexual problems.”
V: “I.Don’t.Have.Sexual.Problems.”
W: “Glad to hear it. I draw the line at friendship there, buddy. Although I don’t have any sexual problems, so you could always ask me for advice. Glad to give advice. Like giving advice. Just don’t want to do demonstrations, if you get my drift.”
V: “Ewww.”
W: “Hey, I haven’t had any complaints.”
V: “Complaints? Complaints from whom?”
W: “Isn’t that from who? Nah, you’re right, it’s whom.”
V: “No. Who.”
Sydney: “WHOM!” She stared at Vaughn in amazement, shaking her head. Couldn’t he see….?
W: “Are you sure?” he asked Sydney.
V: “Of course, she’s sure. She’s a damn doctoral candidate in English! Although where she finds the time to do research, write, and meet with her adviser what with going on global scavenger hunts, I don’t know.”
W: “Well, that’s your girlfriend for you. An excess of energy apparently. And I’m thinking you might want to find a way to use that, if you know what I mean. Hope I don’t have to explain further, there are some lines….”
V: “Lines? Since when do you care about crossing lines! Speaking of lines, who was on the telephone?”
W: “Did you ever think that maybe it was my girlfriend?”
V: “Girlfriend! What girlfriend?”
W: “That girlfriend, any girlfriend. You wouldn’t know. You pay no attention to MY life.”
V: “Sorry! I must be really dense to miss that. So, who’s the girlfriend?”
W: “What girlfriend?”
V: “When did you get a girlfriend?”
W: “When?”
V: “That’s what I asked!”
W: “Asked what?”
V: “About your girlfriend!”
W: “I don’t have a girlfriend. Who said I had a girlfriend?”
V: “You did.”
W: “I did?”
V: “You did.”
W: “I don’t.”
V: “Don’t what?”
W: “Have a girlfriend. Pay attention to the conversation, for crying out loud.”
V: “What is this conversation ABOUT?”
W: “You wanted to know who was on my phone.”
V: “I did?”
W: “You did.”
V: “So, who?”
W: “Who, what?”
V: “We already went over that. It’s whom. You didn’t know, remember?”
W: “Sure, I did.”
V: “No, you didn’t.”
W: “Yes. I did. I aced my verbal SATs. Got a perfect 800. How about you? Just testing you, Mikey.”
V: “DON’T call me Mikey. I hate that.”
W: “Hate what?”
V: “Arggh. The timing is killing me here. How did Abbott and Costello do it?”
W: “Do what?”
V: “Who’s on first?”
W: “Oh, let’s not go there, that routine takes forever.”
V: “So. Who. Was. On. The. Phone?”
W: “Oh, why didn’t you just ask?” Weiss stepped back as Vaughn lunged at him. “Calm down, French fry. That was Jack. Just checking in like he always does on Syd’s missions. With me.”
Vaughn asked, “Really? He never checked up on me, not after the beginning. Why would he do that to you and not me?”
Weiss laughed, “Because he likes YOU, Mikey. I’m betting that when Syd was on missions with Noah, there were plenty of phone calls.”
Syd nodded. “Actually, you’re right, Weiss. Found that out later.”
“Really?” Vaughn asked incredulously.
Sydney shrugged. “Well, yeah, Dad hated Noah. Always did. Never trusted him. And that should have warned me right there. Aside from Irina, my dad has nearly-flawless instincts about people.” Sydney began as Weiss walked away to speak with Barclay and Washington.
Vaughn shook his head. “Your father would hate any man that expressed an interest in you.”
“That’s not true,” Sydney argued.
“Oh, yes, it is. He pulled a gun on me once in this Chinese restaurant to tell me to watch it.”
Syd started to laugh, then bit her lip to stop it. “Really? I’ll have to ask him about that. But he does like you.”
Vaughn protested, “Give me a break. No, he does not!”
“How else do you explain the fact that you’re still alive?” Syd asked tauntingly.
He stared at her. That was true. He was still alive with all body parts intact. And Jack had called him son. That stilled fried his bacon. “Son?”
Then he remembered waking up in the hospital. Jack had been waiting there. Knowing now that Jack must have known at the time about Alice, he was still astonished that the man hadn’t cut off his life support sometime earlier. He still occasionally had nightmares that Jack reached over and shut off the respirator that had kept him alive that first day. Instead, Jack had visited him and waited for him to regain consciousness. Syd had told him yesterday that she thought (because they’d never ask Jack directly, for the love of God) that Jack had waited so that Vaughn would not wake up alone and panic. That was…nice. And if there was one word never associated with Jack Bristow, it was ‘nice.’ So….
If Jack liked him, what in the name of God did that say about him? And Irina - she kept trying to get him to admit his feelings. Did that mean she thought he and Syd were a good match, too? What did it mean that those two games players thought he was the man for their daughter? How complicated could his life get? What would Thanksgiving dinner be like? Where would they hold the wedding - in the Op Center or could Irina get a day pass? Talk about planning nightmares not covered in Miss Manners! And when they had kids ---would Grandma Bristow babysit their kids while she sat in her cell? Would Grandpa Bristow teach the kids all about ballistics and encryption programming?
When Syd laughed, Vaughn realized he had been thinking aloud.
She smiled again and said, “Don’t forget, there’s Project Christmas to worry about and….”
Vaughn stared at her in horror, thinking that the fates must be laughing at him. He who had always wanted a simple, normal life, had fallen in love with the daughter in the most dysfunctional family in the world. Those two games players….He stared off, thinking. Timing. What was it Jack had said once about timing? Something about precision. This whole situation…..
“Vaughn! I’m talking to you!” Weiss exclaimed. Vaughn jumped, he had not even realized that Weiss was standing next to him. What a super spy he was.
“What?”
“Barclay wanted to ask you about that hotel in Hana. He’s thinking of taking his wife to Hawaii for their next vacation.”
“Oh. Sure, sure,” Vaughn said absently as he got up and walked over to the other two agents.
Glancing at his watch, Weiss sat down next to Sydney. “So....” he said.
“Don’t try that crap on me, Eric,” Sydney warned.
“What crap?”
“Don’t play innocent with me.”
“Me?” Weiss put his hand on his heart and looked at her, eyes wide.
Sydney reached out and pinched the a wad of skin on the back of Weiss’ upper arm. “Ouch! That hurt!” Weiss protested.
“Good! Now, what was that about?”
“Getting rid of Vaughn?” Weiss asked. Sydney nodded. Weiss smiled, “You’re good, Bristow. Good genes, I guess.”
“Whatever. " Sydney shrugged, then tapped Weiss's arm. "Spill.”
“I want you to ask Mike a question.”
“Why don’t you ask him?”
“It’s important - will you just do it?” Weiss pressed.
”Why?” Sydney asked, her eyes narrowing.
“Can you just take my word for it?”
”Not really.”
“Your lack of trust wounds me." Weiss looked from side to side before leaning closer and lowering his voice. "Okay, listen up. I need to talk fast. Ask Mike, ‘Who is Astrid and why does she keep you awake at night?’”
“You want me to ask him about yet another woman?" Sydney asked through clenched teeth. "Now? What is this - some perverse form of-“
”No, I’m not trying to hurt you. How can you ask that?" Weiss pointed his finger at her. "And it’s not a joke. Just ask.”
“Why?” Sydney asked somewhat sullenly. Weiss avoided noting that that particular facial expression was better suited to someone twenty years younger.
“It’s the last little bit that I know Mike will avoid telling you. It’s no biggie. In fact, I think you’ll get a big kick out of it.” Weiss got up and walked away.
Soon, Vaughn came back over with another soda and sat down with a quizzical look on his face. “Eric said you wanted to ask me something?”
Sydney corrected him, “Weiss wanted me to ask you a question. I don’t know---“
“What?”
“If I should.”
”Given that it’s Weiss we’re talking about, your apprehension is well founded.”
Syd winced as Weiss yelled “Hey, I heard that!”
Vaughn looked cautiously from Weiss back to Sydney. Taking a deep breath he asked, “Okay, so what’s the question?”
“Who’s Astrid and why does she keep you awake at night?”
“WHAAT!” Vaughn actually jumped up to glare in Weiss’ direction. Weiss waggled his fingers at him and grinned.
Sydney gave Vaughn a look of surprise and pulled him back down. She shook her head, saying, “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I mean, Weiss didn’t say why I should ask you that.”
”He didn’t? He is so dead.”
“Well, I think we can agree on that, in general, but….” She waited.
“Alright. Astrid is a name I made up to cover for something I said in my sleep. I fell asleep on Alice’s couch and in the night she heard me saying…” Vaughn paused. God, this was difficult. Humiliation and honesty in one tidy little package. He was going to kill Weiss. Oh what the hell was he saying? Left to his own devices, he would have kept it to himself and the story would have come out at some far worse occasion. Weiss was right again. He took a deep breath and said, “She heard me saying, ‘Syd’ over and over.”
“Oh. Oh!” she said in surprise. “Let me get this straight. Alice heard you saying my name, so you made up the Astrid name to cover for it, right?”
“Right. And I told her I used to go out with an Astrid, called her ‘Strid and we broke up because I couldn’t handle her risk-taking behavior. That I occasionally dreamed about her more wild escapades, that she was hurting herself by not being careful enough.”
“Strid? Strid?” Sydney began to laugh.
“It was 5am! I’m not a morning person," Vaughn protested. "And I’m not Jack Bristow who can come up with a lie at the drop of a hat to cover any contingency. And…”
“And it was a good way to get her to break up with you, right?”
Vaughn’s mouth dropped open. “How did you.---?”
“Do I look stupid?" Sydney rolled her eyes. "Okay, I understand the need to cover for my name, especially for your girlfriend.”
"Hey--" Vaughn began.Could she have sneered any more when she said that last word?
“Hay is for horses. And also for cows--"
"What are you talking about?" Vaughn exclaimed. "What does hay have to do with anything--"
"Because this is the biggest pile of bulls*** I've heard in a while! Honestly. So, clearly she did not buy that bunch of bull, did she?” Syd began to laugh as the story hit her.
“Hey! She woke me up out of a dream about you and was asking me who Syd was. Talk about a nightmare. What was I supposed to say? Sorry, sweetie, Syd is this amazing, beautiful woman for whom I’ve had the hots for two years. But we can’t be together because we’re both international spies and her dad would kill me for looking at her. And there’s the little issue of her mother killing my father. But I can forget that, I do forget that and everything else, every time I see her. All I can see is her. And when you and I have had sex, on those rare occasions, I imagine it’s her and not you. And you - you were just handy? So, that Astrid story was not the best, but….”
As the words tumbled out, without volition, without any self-preserving censorship, Sydney stared at him, her mouth hanging slightly open. She asked again, “Did she buy the Astrid story?”
“Um, no. She thought….” Vaughn looked down, his cheeks turning slightly red.
“What?”
“She thought I was making it up, that I really was saying your name. Only she thought it was Sid with an i.”
“But that would be a guy’s name...”
“Yeah.”
Syd looked at him for a second and then her whole face contorted with laughter.
“She thought you were gay? You? Gay?”
“Yeah. Do you have to rub it in?”
“Oh yeah. Oh, YEAH, I have to rub it in. This is priceless. Does Weiss know this?”
“Yes. I foolishly told him.”
Sydney looked over in Weiss’ direction. Meeting her eyes, he mouthed, “Told you.”
She continued laughing as she asked, “So, I have to ask a really obnoxious question here. When’s the last time ---“
Vaughn covered his face with his hands and mumbled. “Don’t ask. So long ago that she had reason to wonder when she heard me moaning about some “Sid”….”
“So you couldn’t or wouldn’t…”
“No, I….
“Ah, that’s why you said you had lots of…frosting saved up,” Syd said dryly. Vaughn looked up. They both broke into laughter.
Sydney critiqued, “What a story. You need to work on…”
“I know, my creative problem solving in the field. Is that all you have to say?”
“No. Not in the slightest! This is so good. Priceless. Forget the stupid and clueless joke. This will be the joke I tell our grandkids. And you gay? Michael Vaughn gay? The man who gives off more sexual vibes with a look than most men do with…. That is hysterical. I’m never gonna forget this as long as I live.” She broke into laughter again. Endless laughter, with tears rolling down her cheeks.
“So, you think I give off sexual vibes?” Vaughn asked, leaning in towards her.
“Mmmm,” Sydney said as their lips met. “Mmm, when you’re not being pathetic.”
“Ah, you’re right. The whole story was pathetic. What can I say? Your mother was right. Your father was right.”
“Wait a minute. How did you talk to them, anyway?”
“They called me and ---“
“They called you?”
“Yeah. You didn’t know? You didn’t put them up to it?”
“No. Of course not. How did they have your secure line cell-phone number anyway?”
They stared at each other. Their eyes clicked as the same thought occurred and they said simultaneously, “Weiss!”
“You rang?” Weiss called from across the plane. Sydney motioned him over. With a smile, he sat down next to her.
Syd said softly, “Weiss, did you call my parents back and put them up to calling Vaughn?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Really?”
“No. I only called and gave them Vaughn’s number.” Weiss grinned. They both hissed. “You two sound like cats. But you know me - just a regular matchmaker. Just helping the course of true love and all. Besides, your mom said they were about to call me and ask for his number. Your dad always has my number on your ops, you know. Checks in about every half hour to make sure…..” Weiss continued babbling on, “I really wish Jack would have some confidence in me, not withstanding that little incident in Europe and okay, that time in South Africa, but really, if Syd didn’t feel the need to act like a lone ranger, if she had a partner……”
Sydney and Vaughn glanced at each other and began laughing. The moment was broken by Weiss saying with a look at his watch. “Would you look at that? Almost in LA. How time flies when you’re having fun.”
Sydney leaned over and whispered to Weiss, "Good job wasting time on the flight. Can't wait to see what's next."
Weiss looked at her innocently, "I have absolutely no clue as to what you are implying. None."
Vaughn looked at the two of them suspiciously, "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing," they said in unison.
"You know, I'm not that stupid and clueless.
“I do know you never answered my question.”
“Question, what question?”
“Don’t start. You’re giving me a headache. You’d think we were playing Risk or something.”
“Nope, no board games on board.” Weiss said.
Sydney and Vaughn groaned. Vaughn said firmly, “So, why did you set me up on this mission if you thought I would still be going out with Alice? That would be scummy. And….wait another minute, Jack and Irina would never have been so sanguine about me and Syd, Jack would have never wished me luck if Alice had still been in the picture…What the hell is going on?” Weiss looked back at him, all innocence. Something clicked and Vaughn asked, “What did you do to Alice?”
“Alice? She’s fine, now that she’s free of a fake boyfriend.”
Syd asked, “I’m worried about Astrid. I mean, whatever happened to her, anyway? Fall off a cliff? Die of frostbite because she didn’t wear a full face mask in Siberia? Get run over by a rampaging Ford Focus in Zurich? What?”
“Her boyfriend tossed her out the plane without a parachute!” Vaughn exclaimed.
“Oh, that’s too bad..." Sydney grinned. This had been so much fun. "Just when he was getting really good at frosting that pie. With that attitude, his knife might have to stay locked in the utensils drawer for a while.”
“I don’t want to know,” Weiss moaned, “Really, I don’t. That’s an analogy I don’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.”
“Really? Try the one about her father being obsessed with little boxes,” Vaughn said with a grin.
Chapter 27: in which a reference to the title of Chapter 1 would be helpful.
As Weiss, Sydney and Vaughn walked through the Op Center, Vaughn said, “I realize you didn’t answer my question about the timing, and what you did to Alice, Weiss. Really, I’m not that stupid.”
“We didn’t do anything TO Alice-“
“WE?”
“I didn’t say ‘we’, I said ‘me’.”
“Really? You said, ‘me didn’t do anything to Alice’?” Vaughn said in disbelief.
“Yup. I’m practicing pidgin English for my next assignment in, in, in Calcutta. Or maybe….Bangkok. That’s it exactly. And did you ever stop to think about what a funny word Bangkok is? I mean---” Weiss said energetically.
“I swear I’m going to punch you all the way there if you don’t tell me,” Vaughn threatened.
“Did I tell you about what happened at the luau next door to us the night you two were in Hana?” Weiss asked.
“No, Weiss, tell us,” Syd said with a sidelong glance at Vaughn, whose forehead was wrinkling more every minute.
“They were forklifting the pig into the pit and someone went up to the operator and jostled him. The guy hit the lever wrong and all of a sudden, the pig went flying through the air!”
“The pig flew?” Vaughn asked.
“Yeah, Jack’s called you ‘son’. I believe that, at times, I’ve acted like a mature adult. And a pig flew. So I think this story is just about over.”
“Really? And what’s next? Why isn’t it over already?” Vaughn asked suspiciously.
Weiss spoke quickly, “Whaddya know? Here we are at the tunnel to Irina’s cell.”
”What are we doing here? Syd?” Vaughn gritted out. “We could be on our way home by now, you know.”
“Don’t look at me! I’m just along for the ride. And if you haven’t figured it out yet, a few more minutes won’t kill you,” Sydney protested.
“Yeah. Sydney is innocent. Well, except for planning her first day of revenge.” Weiss paused as they stopped to allow the guard to open the gates. Sydney bounced up and down on her toes.
"Syd, why are you so wired?" Vaughn asked as they walked down the hall to Irina's cell.
"Well, aren't you excited?" she asked with a grin, pulling him along.
"I'm not excited, no, about going to see your parents. I mean, I assume your father's going to be there."
"You bet," Weiss added with a grin of his own. "Don't know why he doesn't just move a cot in there or to cut to the chase, a king-size bed."
"Weiss! Those are my parents," Sydney groaned.
"Oops. Forget again----"
"I know, that I'm not one of the guys," Syd shook her head. "But seriously, Vaughn, why aren't you more excited?"
"Are you nuts? Why would I be excited about making this stop when we could be
on our way to your, um, bakery?" Vaughn asked. Sydney giggled and Vaughn put his arm around her and pulled her close as he said, "Now-- a bakery stop. That I could get excited about."
Weiss rolled his eyes and said dryly, "Actually, wouldn't it be, 'About a bakery stop I could get excited'?"
Sydney resumed giggling, "No. It's 'I could get excited about a bakery stop'."
"STOP IT! " Vaughn exclaimed. "You two are totally taking the fun out of sexual innuendo with all this gabbing about grammar, syntax and sentence structure.." Vaughn groaned.
"Vaughn, did you just alliterate?" Syd asked slowly.
"Noooo. Don't tell me I did that. We’ve abandoned analogies for alliteration? Don't tell me it's rubbing off," Vaughn groaned again.
"I’m assuming your rubbing days are---“ Weiss stopped with a squawk as Vaughn punched him in the arm. Sydney laughed.
“How long is this hallway?” Vaughn asked with a glance upward for divine intervention.
“Why, does it make you feel inadequate or something?” Weiss asked.
“That’s enough!” Vaughn exclaimed, but then began laughing himself. "You know, I'm almost gonna be glad to see Jack and Irina. At least I can count on them to act like normal people.”
Weiss and Sydney stared at him in puzzlement. "Normal?" they asked in unison.
“Okay, okay,” Vaughn conceded. “Normal for them. Which means no alliteration, no laughing, no inappropriate innuendo, and probably no smiling. Just a basic conversation.”
Weiss turned to Sydney and asked, “What alternate universe is he living in? Oh, wait, I meant to say, Ms. English Teacher,” when Sydney opened her mouth to interrupt him, “In what alternate universe is he living? I mean, isn’t there always a subtext to any conversation with Jack and Irina? And what is a basic conversation with the Bristows?”
“Don’t know myself, Weiss, never had one. At least not since I was six,” Sydney agreed. “I guess today a basic conversation with my parents involves a threat or two, a poorly-disguised attempt by my mother to use memories to worm her way into my father’s heart, several sneers, no apology yet, some well-hidden looks of regret, and arguing, if we’re lucky, in English. If we’re truly unlucky, they’ll argue in Chinese. That gives me a headache. But if they’re really mad, they’ll use Russian.”
“They argue in other languages?” Vaughn asked in disbelief, shaking his head.
“Sure. It’s how they keep their fluency up." Sydney shrugged. "It’s a little game for them.”
“Don’t get me started on your parents’ games,” Vaughn said, “They are just so---“
“But, don’t you see?" Sydney tapped Vaughn's arm. "That’s why I’m excited! It’s one of their games.”
“Huh?”
“Here we go again with Mr. Articularity,” Weiss said.
“Wouldn’t that be for an action figure? Articularity?” Sydney asked.
“Maybe. But I thought that was articulation. Hey, I wonder if Vaughn were an action figure, would his forehead wrinkles would come with articulation? You know, press a button and he gets one wrinkle…”
“He never gets just one wrinkle,” Syd said firmly, “I mean like right now. He’s got at least---“
“Stop it!" Vaughn exclaimed once again, fighting back his own laughter. "Why are you two ganging up on me?”
“Because it’s fun?” Weiss and Sydney said in unison, laughing.
“Fun. For. Whom?” Vaughn asked.
“Wow. I’m impressed, aren’t you, Syd? He used ‘whom’ correctly this time.”
“Oh, he impresses me all the time,” Syd said slyly with a sideways glance.
“That’s sweet, Syd. Look he just turned red,” Weiss laughed.
“You know, Weiss one of these days you’re going to get what’s coming to you. I swear. And this hallway?” Vaughn moaned, “I never remember it taking this long before.”
“That’s because the writers have never fully explored the “Get Smart” possibilities of this corridor. C’mon Agents 86 and 99, let’s go meet the chief.”
"Get Smart?" Vaughn asked, rolling his eyes.
"Would you rather I make an analogy about the tunnel’s length and why you might feel inadequate?" Weiss asked, as they neared the door to Irina's cell.
Chapter 28: In which an interesting conversation begins under glass.
As the three approached the glass, Weiss stepped forward and tapped on it. Jack, who had been half-sitting on the small table in the cell, turned around abruptly, revealing Irina sitting before him. She slowly slid her hand away from his leg with a very self-satisfied look on her face.
“Whoa,” Weiss said in a whisper to Vaughn. “I’d like to know just how Jack got that look on her face when they’re both still fully clothed.”
“I’m not gonna ask him!” Vaughn noted, although he too wondered.
“But, Mikey---“ Weiss protested. “He likes you and-“
“Oh, be quiet, you two,” Sydney said, rolling her eyes. “It’s obvious what they’ve been doing---“
“You mean, you…know?” Weiss asked, with a glance at Vaughn.
“Sure, why not?” Sydney shrugged. “They’re playing the interrogation game. My mother always liked that. Better than Risk, I bet.”
“She…did?” Vaughn asked, surprised at how sanguine Sydney was at this evidence of her parents’….Well, he wasn’t going there! Nope. No how. No way.
“Yeah, I think…” Sydney frowned, as they waited for the guard to open the door. “I think I came in on them once, and they called it playing cops and robbers.” She sighed. It must have been a great shock to her father to learn that he should have been playing the interrogation game for real. And.. “Ohmigod, the game they’re really playing is---“
“Don’t think about it,” Vaughn advised. “Just don’t.” He looked at the couple. Irina was still smiling, reaching her hand out now to touch Jack’s cheek. Vaughn shook his head; apparently Jack was right-Irina did seem to be enjoying this. Sick. Twisted. But then again, as a little game between a man and a woman, hmmm….He gave a speculative glance at Sydney as they finally entered the cell.
Irina stood and clasping her hands together, called out, “Finally! I’m dying to hear and I know you are too……”
“What do you know?” Jack asked suspiciously.
“Nothing. Nothing.” Irina shrugged and took a small step away from her husband.
“Stop it.” Jack warned, taking a step toward her. “I know you know something more than you’ve let on. I can tell. I have ways of making you talk, you know.”
“I’ll look forward to that later, Jack,” Irina said with mock sweetness. “But, as for this little…operation, I have my conjectures, but as for what I know to be fact…..” Irina trailed off and then resumed speaking, “Oh, go greet your daughter.”
Jack’s face brightened as he looked fully at Sydney. “Honey,” he began. When he did not continue, Irina elbowed him. He cleared his throat while Sydney and Vaughn stared at him curiously. Weiss and Irina rolled their eyes. Finally, Jack said gruffly, “Weiss, where are my little boxes, anyway?”
Vaughn choked and then began coughing, while the older couple stared at him curiously.
Weiss cleared his throat and said, “Barclay is on his way down here with them, right now.”
“WHAAT?” Vaughn exclaimed.
“Oh, catch up, Vaughn,” Sydney mumbled. In a louder voice, she said, “It’s my guess that my father is referring to those small storage containers we killed ourselves pulling out of the ocean the other night.”
“He is?” Vaughn asked, rubbing his forehead.
“Of course. What else could the phrase ‘little boxes’ refer to, anyway? I didn’t understand it when you guys were talking about it before…..” Sydney stopped, thought, said, “Eww.”
“Wait a minute!” Vaughn said fiercely as Barclay walked in carrying the three containers.
“Barclay,” Jack said as the agent brought in three boxes and sat them down on the table. Jack frowned looking at them.
“Bristow,” Barclay said. “Are Washington and I even with you now? No more favors owed?”
“For the moment. Oh, and thanks. Tell Washington thanks as well,” Jack added absently.
On his way out, Barclay muttered, “’Thanks’? Oh my god, the world is coming to an end. Bristow actually said thanks. I need to get home. Fast. Kiss the wife. Pat the dog. Lock the doors. Drink…something strong. Wait for the apocalypse.”
Jack rolled his eyes and then pinned Weiss with a stare. “Want to explain why there are three boxes, instead of two?”
“Forget that! Want to explain why we are looking at those boxes, in this cell, at all?” Vaughn asked.
“Actually, Jack, one of those boxes is from me,” Irina said softly.
“From you!” both Jack and Vaughn exclaimed.
“Well, I was the one who started this whole operation, wasn’t I?” Irina asked, hands out spread toward the boxes.
“No. It was me,” Jack protested.
“Actually, you’re right,” Irina conceded. Jack looked startled. Irina continued quietly, “You started this the day she was born. Wanting her to be happy. Putting her happiness first, even if you were sometimes misguided in your attempts, even if you were sometimes lost, working without a map, you still wanted the best for her.”
Into the silence, Weiss interjected, “Great analogy, Irina. And map? That explains..…”
“Shut up, Weiss, we’ll get to that,” Irina snarled.
“You know about that?” Jack demanded, “Weiss?”
“Get to what, know about what?” Vaughn asked.
“This little operation, which has my father’s fingerprints all over it, but I can tell my mom also had a little something to do with it, as well,” Syd said with a smile.
Vaughn stared at her incredulously, “I thought, Syd, that we decided that it was just Weiss and that everything else was a coincidence.”
“Well, we didn’t really decide that,” Sydney explained slowly.
“We didn’t?” Vaughn frowned. He really had to start paying more attention.
“No. I said my father would not work with my mother and it looks like that’s true,” Sydney admitted. “You said that it was probably all Weiss, and everything else was just coincidence. I didn’t agree or disagree. Although really, you need to learn more about game theory. There are just not that many coincidences in life.”
“Arggh! We need to have a conversation about these technicalities.”
“You need to learn how to ask questions more carefully. Then it would be more fun, wouldn’t it? More like a game?” Syd asked, laughing.
When no one said anything for a moment, they heard Weiss’ stomach growl in the silence. While Weiss turned and asked Irina about what was for dinner in the cell block, Vaughn just stared at Sydney. She wanted him to question her, as if he was interrogating her? Like, oh, he didn’t know, her parents? Ohmigod.
Watching him, Sydney cocked her head and raised an eyebrow. When he said nothing, she leaned in and whispered, “You know, the game where I am the bad guy and you’re the good agent who is interrogating me? And you’ll do anything to get that intel out of me? And I’ll do anything to distract you from your mission? Or we could switch it around, whichever way you like.”
Staring at her, Vaughn thought, Geez. This is what came of walking in on Jack and Irina when you were a tot. Although… What else was imprinted on that brain of hers? Oh brother, who knew what the future held?
Sydney whispered again, “But it does sound like fun, doesn’t it? We can have our own little conversation room. You know, right next to the bakery?” she asked.
Vaughn rolled his eyes and felt his cheeks turn red. Well, maybe the future held……some interesting surprises.
Next to him, Jack said loudly, “Ahem! Moving along..… “
Sydney laughed and asked Vaughn, “Besides, did you really think that was a viable mission?”
Vaughn shook his head, “You’re right. I can’t believe I let myself get so distracted by you and ---“
Sydney interrupted to say, “There was no mission, was there, Dad?”
Jack nodded in his daughter’s direction. “Of course, there was no mission. No real mission for you two. Honestly, Vaughn. Did Sydney kick anyone’s butt? Did she rappel down a cliff? Climb up a building? Did she badly speak a foreign language? Did you speak French? Did she wear some ridiculously-scanty attire that makes me positively nauseous? Vaughn -- Did you wear black leather?---“
“I’d like to go on a mission with you when you’re wearing black leather, Jack,” Irina purred.
Jack opened his mouth and then closed it. Rubbing his hand over his forehead, he cleared his throat and continued, ignoring the wink his wife sent his daughter, “Vaughn --- were you wearing some hideous blue leisure suit that the costume department somehow decided is what international arms dealers wear? Did you have to save her or she you? Did you have any gadgets that break every scientific law? No? Then it’s not a mission. Although I understand that you were swinging from balcony to balcony like Spiderman. But hockey puck boxers are not Agency regulation, are they? That doesn’t sound like a mission to me,” Jack smirked while Vaughn turned an accusing eye on first Sydney, then Weiss. Both shrugged innocently. Jack explained, “The digital camera? Remember? Barclay sent back the pictures that day. We’ve been---“
“No! Not the screen saver!” Vaughn protested, feeling his stomach sink.
“No. It’s more useful in my files than as a screen saver,” Jack noted with a smug smile.
Vaughn thought “Jack’s files?” Ohmigod. Jack’s files. Now there was a computer worth hacking into. Or would that be, into that computer it’s worth hacking or ……
Jack gave Vaughn a sharp glance and sighed, “Focus. What’s your problem, low blood sugar?”
“Yeah, Mikey, maybe you needed to stop at the bakery on the way here, get a doughnut,” Weiss suggested with a broad grin.
Sydney choked. Her father gave her a curious glance and continued, “And if that’s not enough, what did you actually do on this mission? Pass notes back and forth? What was this -- seventh grade bio class?”
Sydney commented, “Well, that is where I learned to dissect worms and idea number one on my list was all about worms, so…...”
Weiss cracked, “And, actually, Jack, I’d say that is exactly what this mission was. I mean in my seventh grade bio class we learned all about human repro-“
“Shut up, Weiss!” everyone exclaimed.
“Well, that’s the thanks I get, after everything I’ve done!” Weiss sniffed in mock affront.
“I knew this was a lame mission, I knew it! That’s why you never told us what the mission was!” Vaughn accused.
Weiss shook his head, “That’s not true, Vaughn. I told you that it was the ‘Syd and Vaughn - how-can-we-get-them-together-show’.”
“You did. Another damn technicality,” Vaughn said flatly, shaking his head.
“See? The only lie I told you was the one to which I’ve already admitted - that the assigned agent had appendicitis. I think one lie in the game of true love is allowed.”
Vaughn stared at Weiss, his face promising retribution. He turned to Jack and asked, “But wait - Jack, how did you know we wouldn’t catch on sooner?”
“I saw the way you two looked at each other and I knew if you could actually spend time together..… I was young once too, son, young and foolish and let my emotions blind me to what I should have seen. I predicted that you two would be the same and I was right. Been there, done that, after all.”
While Sydney mouthed, “Son?”, Vaughn shrugged. Eh, he was getting used to it. It wouldn’t kill him.
Irina said softly, “Jack, I..….” They all waited for her to continue.
But when she said nothing more, Jack shrugged and quipped, “I figured you would be concentrating on each other, on the mess you’d made out of your relationship, on well, um, your feelings that you’ve repressed for months now. And when you got that straightened out, I figured Weiss’ endless babbling would distract you anyway.”
“Hey!” Weiss protested.
“Sorry, Eric,” Jack said with a shrug. “But I admit -- Your mouth is the best misdirection device I’ve ever seen in my life. So, how did it go today after our phone call when you were on the plane? What did you use - the Who’s on First technique?”
“Yup. That’s my favorite.” Weiss smiled.
“That’s when I figured it out, though. I’ve seen him use it before when he’s deliberately trying to distract someone,” Syd noted.
“Figured what out?” Vaughn groaned. “Can someone start at the beginning?”
“Me! Me! I get to do that!” Weiss exclaimed.
"Finally!" Vaughn exclaimed, crossing his arms and waiting.
Chapter 29: In which there are references to The Little Mermaid, My Little Pony and a suddenly-overdeveloped Vaughnian backbone. Dangerous waters ahead!
“Well, go ahead,” Irina urged Weiss. “I suppose you are owed this moment of glory.”
“Yes,” Jack agreed. “After all, it’s not often that a…teddy bear gets a moment of glory.”
Weiss winced. “You know,” he muttered. “I spend all this time helping out this family and what do I have to show for it…”
Jack and Irina looked at each other and nodded slowly.
“I’m sorry, Weiss. Do go on,” Jack apologized with a gleam in his eyes that made Weiss shift nervously.
“Okaaay. So, what happened was I had to watch the two of you-“ Weiss pointed at Sydney and Vaughn. “Nearly killing yourselves for the last six months. Sydney for one, looking more and more depressed and at the same time acting like an adrenaline junkie. When I told Jack that I was going to have to seriously consider filing that reprimand for unsafe behavior, he said something had to be done. I agreed. And besides, Jack would have killed me if anything had happened to the princess.” Jack growled at him. Weiss spoke up quickly with a sideways glance toward Jack. “And then… there was Vaughn.”
”What about me?” Vaughn asked, glaring at his friend.
“Okay, okay. I’ll be dead meat for this,” Weiss shrugged. “ But…..I figured from how you’d been acting…”
“How was I acting?” Vaughn asked, puzzled.
“Oh, I don’t know. Tense? Irritable? Frustrated? That you weren’t, shall we say, availing yourself of the benefits of having a girlfriend. And that said girlfriend might start to wonder after too many excuses of--- “ Weiss began using a falsetto, “’I’m sorry, I have a headache,’ ‘I’m sorry, I’m so tired tonight,’ and ‘It’s that time of the month, darling.’”
Vaughn growled. Jack held a hand up to his face to hide his grin, although Irina caught it and pulled his hand away.
Irina said, “Well, I was the one to urge Sydney last week to pick you as her partner on this op. After she’d finally finished that list with my help, I thought she was ready to confront the issue. Of course the fact that the other men listed as options were either completely unknown to her and therefore not appropriate for the mission or completely despised by her - that was not my idea. That was ---“
“Weiss.” Syd and Vaughn said in unison.
“Yes. Leaving Vaughn the only viable option.” Irina nodded at Vaughn and then looked over at Eric. “And then Weiss advised her that she would be wise to try and confront you, deal with it. And then I figured Jack would be taking care of the rest, in fact that he’d already set an op in motion, knowing him.”
“Did you?” Jack snarled. “So, you wanted to tag team?”
“We are good at playing games together, Jack,” Irina said with a smile as she touched his arm. “But I know you did the greater part of the set up. Weiss just…coordinated it all. So…...”
“So, Dad, you planned this whole escapade? Arranged for the boxes to be buried, the notes to be passed, the intel to be hidden all over Maui?” Syd asked.
“Yes. It was easy. Easier than your childhood birthday parties, let me tell you,” Jack said, then snapped his mouth closed as if he’d said too much, too soon.
“What? You planned my parties? I thought…” Sydney trailed off, confused.
“What? You thought the nanny planned those scavenger-hunt extravaganzas you wanted for years? If left to the nanny’s devices you would have gotten My Little Pony parties every year!” Jack said with a grimace.
“But that one year ---“ Sydney stopped, remembering.
“The year you had The Little Mermaid party?” Jack gave a slight upturn of his lips.
“Yes!” Sydney put two and two together as she thought of her sleepshirt, a gift from her father. He had known that she liked that movie!
“I was stuck in the hospital," Jack explained softly. "You were too old for that theme, but you’d always liked the movie, so the nanny thought……”
“You were in the hospital?” Sydney asked, surprised. “I thought you just were too busy, weren’t interested…...”
“No,” Irina said firmly to everyone’s surprise. “Even if you weren’t aware of it, your father was at most of your parties. He’s shown me pictures he took of them. And so often when you thought he was unavailable he was in the hospital. Do you know how many times he’s been shot, knifed, poisoned? I bet he has his own room in the hospital by now!”
Weiss mumbled to Vaughn, “That’s not all he has in the hospital.” Vaughn began to laugh, until Weiss elbowed him.
“Um. Okay. But what does this have to do with the non-mission?” Vaughn started and then stopped, “Oh. Wait. That second day, that scavenger hunt? That was a little gift to Sydney? And, so this whole mission was just a taxpayer-funded front to get us together? Hold on. Does Kendall know?”
“Kendall?” Jack scoffed. “He’s clueless. He’s blinded every morning by the glare of his head in the mirror as he’s polishing it.”
“Which? The head or the mirror?” Weiss asked.
“Both, probably,” Jack said dryly, “Besides, there was a mission. Just you and Syd weren’t on it. You both put in for three vacation days and permission to use Agency transport to Hawaii.”
“We did?” Syd and Vaughn asked in unison.
“Yes. Of course. All of the paperwork is signed and completed and filed.”
“Of course,” Vaughn muttered, “And I’m sure our signatures on these forms are fullproof, would stand up under any scrutiny?”
“Why wouldn’t they? I did them myself,” Jack said with a shrug.
Vaughn stared at him. The man was unbelievable. Although, Vaughn asked himself, why should he shocked that Jack was acting as if forging signatures, arranging a non-mission and whatever else he’d done was no big deal? Because in the scheme of Jack Bristow’s life, it was no big deal, just a minor little hiccup. He’d probably spent more time planning Syd’s birthday parties! Here his thoughts stopped, because he knew, just knew this wasn’t the end So, why the hell was he worrying about something as relatively trivial as forged signatures? That was surely just a minor detail, a drop in the bucket in this story, he could tell. He just knew it wasn’t going to get any better, he just knew. All he didn’t know was how much antacid he was going to eat tonight. Oh, shut up, he thought to himself. It would probably be best if he just stopped thinking at this point, I mean, why ruin a perfect record?
Jack continued, “I paid for Syd’s hotel room in Lahaina. And there was a mission, Vaughn, so don’t worry that the taxpayers got the shaft. Weiss, Barclay and Washington were in on it.”
“Okay, clearly Barclay and Washington owed you something. Getting out of Jack Bristow’s debt would be enough to motivate anyone. But what did you get out of all this, Weiss?” Vaughn asked accusingly.
“Well, first of all, it was fun. At least the part where I was distracting you. The other part?” Weiss shuddered. “Not so much.”
“The other part?” Syd echoed, then stopped when she saw the smirk trying to peek out from her father’s face. Her mother looked at him quizzically, with a crease between her brows.
Weiss began speaking, but Irina cut him off to ask accusingly, “Jack, what else did you do?”
“Who, me?” Jack asked, hands uplifted.
“Yes, you!” Irina poked him in the shoulder.
“Oh, no, not Who’s on First again, “Vaughn moaned.
“I don’t have to resort to those tactics, thank you,” Jack said sternly. Then turning to Irina he asked, “Why do you think I did anything else?”
“Because you’re Jack Bristow and enough is never good enough.” Irina nodded. “And because I recognize that smirk on your face.”
“Oh, really?” Jack glared at her. “After twenty years you think you can recognize what my facial expressions mean?”
“Yes. I’ll be proven right, eventually,” Irina noted firmly. “Let me go on the record saying that that particular Jack Bristow smirk means that you think you’ve been quite, quite clever about something. In the past, you might have actually laughed aloud. But in the present, in which your face might apparently crack if you laugh---“
Sydney interrupted, “Hey, Mom, Weiss says he’s seen Dad laugh.”
“He has?” Vaughn and Irina said in unison. Weiss nodded but bit his lip and avoided Jack’s harsh glance.
“Can you not keep your mouth shut?” Jack said to Weiss.
“Sorrrry,” Weis said sullenly.
“Yeah, Jack,” Vaughn said, “Bet he didn’t realize there was a law against telling your own daughter that occasionally you take that stick out of your ass.” Vaughn looked proud of himself for a moment, then blanched.
Sydney gaped at him and whispered, “Sometimes a little backbone goes a looong way, you know.”
Weiss groaned and buried his face in his hands. “I worked so hard to get them together and now it will all be for nothing. Although…” He lifted his head and brightened, “I suppose we can now find a way to recycle those boxes?”
“You're absolutely correct, Weiss," Jack said tightly. “By using them to bury Vaughn’s ashes.”
"Good going, French fry," Irina noted.
Chapter 30: In which Vaughn isn't killed, we learn about the Bristows' honeymoon and that there is yet more of the set up.
Irina grabbed Jack’s arm as he moved forward. She winked at Sydney and quipped, “Jack, he’s right. Why don’t you smile and laugh, at least around us, your family? I mean, are you worried that laughing might ruin your reputation as the stiffest man in creation?”
Surprised, Jack turned to stare at Irina. Suddenly his mouth quirked and he said dryly, “Well, Irina, I remember times when you’ve been quite happy that I was the st---“
“DAD! I’m in the room!” Sydney choked out.
Smiling, glad that she had been able to deflect his anger away from Vaughn, who was surreptitiously wiping his forehead, Irina said, “Well, so, why were you smirking?”
“Hmm. I guess you could say that the reason for my smirk is that we or rather, Weiss, did something that was, well…” Jack paused, then shrugged. “Funny.”
“Funny?” Irina echoed.
Jack answered impatiently, “Yes. Funny. Amusing. Comical. Humorous. What, do I need to do -- pull out my Roget’s?”
“I don’t think it’s your Roget’s Thesaurus that Irina wants you to pull out…I’ll stop now,” Weiss said when Sydney elbowed him hard. Boy, that girl had pointy elbows, he thought as he rubbed his ribs.
Vaughn implored, “Can we get back to the story now?” And he had thought he would be having a normal conversation with the Bristows? What was wrong with everyone lately, what was with all this sexual innuendo? Did the author of this story find it amusing, or what?
Weiss said, “Oh, I don’t know. Except for the part where Vaughn almost lost his life a few moments ago, this has been pretty amusing. Although, actually that was pretty humorous. Comical. Funny.” When no one responded, Weiss sighed. He continued, “Okay, Vaughn wanted to know what I got out of this? Besides helping my best friend, whom I love like a brother and Sydney, whom I love like a sister, get together? Oh wait, stop. That’s not a good analogy. If Vaughn were my brother and Sydney my sister….. Nope, not gonna go down that road.”
Vaughn muttered, “Thank you.”
Weiss chuckled and continued, “That was the main reason. I..…love you both and wanted you to be happy.”
“Oh, Eric,” Sydney said and moving forward gave him a hug. Kissing the top of her head, Weiss looked up as Vaughn said, “Thank you.”
Pushing Syd back toward Vaughn, Weiss continued, “That was too close to a Bath and Body Works moment for me. Let’s get back on track, talk about more manly stuff. Right, Jack?” Weiss asked, then blanched at the look on Jack’s face. He spoke up rapidly. “Like the fact there was the added incentive of Jack’s recommendation for a promotion if I carried this off.”
“A bribe?” Vaughn asked.
“No. An incentive,” Jack countered. “And Weiss did carry off his assignment. So, the recommendation is in one of those boxes. I assume you’d like to read it now, if you didn’t before when you were handing the boxes over to my contact for placement.”
“No, Jack. I didn’t read it. That wouldn’t have been ethical,” Weiss said in affront.
Jack shrugged, “I would have.”
“There’s a shock,” Vaughn muttered, then grunted when Sydney elbowed him.
“Well, go ahead. Here’s the key to box number one.” Jack handed Weiss the key.
As Weiss read the sheet of paper, Vaughn said, “You know, coming down the hallway I said I was looking forward to having a nice, basic conversation here. But with Weiss in the room, it’s gotten all…loopy. I still don’t understand how..…”
Weiss looked up and said quickly, “How it all came together? Jack planned it all out, from the moment you got to the plane. Although he did make one miscalculation.”
“Yes, I did. I admit it.” Jack sighed. “I thought you’d come up with the explanation sooner, Michael.”
“Yeah. Jack didn’t know about your little..…timing problem, so he couldn’t take that into account in his plans,” Weiss said snidely.
“Weiss, I swear…...” Vaughn snarled.
“Boys, boys,” Jack warned. He continued, “I was surprised at how long it took them to get together. That’s true. When I spoke with Weiss on the second day and he said that Vaughn still didn’t have an explanation, that’s when I figured I’d talk with Michael again, light a fire under him, give him an idea--”
Vaughn accused, “That second phone call. You manipulated me! You knew just what to say to get me..…”
“To grow a backbone? Yes. You needed one. Sydney needed you to have one. You can’t live with the women in this family without one. But let me remind you that I don’t need to have demonstrations of that backbone, save it for Sydney and--”
“Jack, let it go,” Irina cautioned, still holding onto his arm.
Vaughn growled, “Great. Fabulous. And wait, you spoke with Weiss? Not just me? That’s how you knew that I didn’t have the explanation yet?” he asked in surprise.
Weiss answered, “Sure, don’t you remember? I thought I blew it at the time, but luckily your mind was, um, elsewhere. I was on the phone when you came into the room that night, after tucking Sydney into bed.”
”That’s all he did, tuck her into bed?” Irina asked in surprise.
“Yeah, Syd was pretty bushed by the end of the day and then they had to do the scuba portion of the scavenger hunt. So, by bed time…well, let’s just say that Vaughn earned some much-needed points by being a gentleman.”
“Wait a minute..…scavenger hunt on Maui?” Irina asked.
“Yeah, that’s what Vaughn called it, a scavenger hunt,” Weiss confirmed.
“Oh, I’m not surprised by the scavenger hunt, you know that. But, on Maui? I’m just putting two and two together. Just where did they go?” Irina asked again, turning toward Jack, raising an eyebrow. “Jack?”
Everyone stared in surprise, was Jack Bristow actually…..no, that could not be a tinge of red across his cheeks, could it?
“What is it, Derevko?” Vaughn asked for everyone.
“Sydney,” Irina began, turning reluctantly away from Jack. “Do you know where your father and I went on our honeymoon?”
Vaughn answered, “Let me guess. Maui?”
“Very good,” Irina confirmed. “And Maui was, is, beautiful. Gorgeous scenery, lovely, romantic. But we were more interested in…” she broke off with a smile in Jack’s direction. He pretended to ignore her. She continued, “We were more interested in, um, each other. But there we were in this exotic location - we should see it, right? So, we decided to make a race out of it, a game to see how many sights or attractions we could see in one day. That way we could show photographs, tell people all that we had seen, but then we’d have the rest of the days and nights free for---“
”That’s enough! Sydney doesn’t need to hear about that. And neither do I,” Jack protested.
“You’re the one who set them up on that game plan, Jack, not me! So don’t get squeamish now. But no wonder Sydney was exhausted, if the hunt you sent them on was anything like what we did. And adding scuba onto it? You were just trying to make sure that one or both of them was too tired to do anything about their feelings until they’d straightened it all out, don’t lie to me, Jack Bristow!”
“Oh, come on. That day was no big deal. I mean we did almost the same road trip, I admit we didn’t do the scuba dive, but we still had more than enough energy to…” He stopped, chagrined. Sydney looked away, pretending to ignore the last comment.
Irina smiled at his slip, but still protested, “We were just kids when we got married, did that itinerary, Jack. As adults, that would be exhausting!”
“Eh, they’re both in great shape. Now, if it had been Weiss……”
“Hey, is this where I have to hear about being roly-poly again?” Weiss protested.
Jack ignored him to continue, “I don’t see what the big deal is about the schedule.”
“Be realistic,” Irina argued. “You’d be tired too after that day.”
“Oh, really? Even at our age, I’ve never had any complaints about my stamina…in the field.” Jack said dryly.
While Weiss laughed and Irina growled, Sydney and Vaughn looked at each other and mouthed, “In the field?” Yikes, Vaughn thought, had he picked up that phrase, that analogy from Jack? Or was his mind starting to work like Jack’s? Ohmigod, ohmigod. Stop at the Agency store on the way out, and buy some borax for the brain, he thought to himself. This was getting scary.
Vaughn spoke up, “So what’s in the other boxes?” His curiosity was killing him.
Irina answered, “Well mine is a tape of Jack planning the operation with Weiss. Weiss gave it to the contact when he gave him the other boxes as well. I thought you might like to have it as a souvenir. Better than that tacky tshirt you bought in Hana, anyway,” Irina said.
“Hold on!” Jack exclaimed. “You had Weiss bug me?”
“Yeah, isn’t that great?” Weiss asked. “Ironic, wouldn’t you say?”
“Hold on,” Vaughn said more calmly. “Ironic, what’s ironic? And how did you know about the tshirts? How did Weiss know about all that stuff in Hana?”
“Yeah, what were you doing with that whipped cream, anyway?” Weiss asked curiously.
Vaughn and Sydney turned red and Irina and Jack looked at each other. Weiss said, “Oh. Sorry. I lead a sheltered life, didn’t occur to me what you were doing..…Should have kept my mouth shut. Now. I’ll shut up now.”
Jack covered his face with one hand, while Irina whispered with a smile, “Jack, don’t you remember when we were-“
“Stop it!” Jack whispered fiercely back. “There are some things I just don’t want to know, alright?”
Sydney cleared her throat. “I know. That couple that took our pictures on the road to Hana? Some of your contacts, Dad?”
“Of course.” Jack nodded.
“Jack…Sometimes you scare even me,” Irina laughed.
“Well, good. Then there was more than one benefit to this game. Maybe you’ll think twice before you play with me again……” Jack stopped when Irina began to chuckle at his words.
Irina whispered, “Play with you? You want me to stop…” She smiled. Jack groaned.
“So what was the real mission, anyway?” Vaughn asked.
Jack shrugged dismissively, “Gathering up intel that Irina had given us a while back that was not of crucial importance in terms of timing.” At the word timing, Weiss made a slicing motion across his neck in Jack’s direction.
Sydney asked, “So, wait. So, mom encouraged me. I know that. And, Mom, you thought, assumed that Dad would pick it up from there. But the timing of it, how did you know?”
“Well, Weiss of course would tell your father that you and Vaughn were going on a mission, even if he did not have another way to learn that information.”
“But, there was still Alice,” Sydney protested.
Irina shrugged, “Oh, I figured Jack would take care of that aspect of it.”
“Did you?” Jack asked of Irina.
“Yes, I know you that well, Jack. Some things never change. And one thing that would never change is that you want your little girl to be happy and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy.”
Weiss let out a sharp bark of laughter. Jack sent him a quelling glance. Looking from one to the other, Irina asked quickly, “Weiss came to you or did you go to Weiss?”
“Jack called me the same day you had your little mother-daughter talk with Syd, about an hour before I spoke with you. He knew about the mission, knew about the reprimand, was frantic about Sydney,” here Jack frowned, while Weiss continued, “and he thought it was a good opportunity to resolve the matter. Just like Irina did when Syd mentioned it to her. Talk about freaky timing.”
Jack frowned.
With a sidelong glance at him, Irina spoke up quickly, “My only question and I admit it’s been killing me, is this: how did you do it? Neither of us would have countenanced the two of them getting together with the supposed girlfriend still in the picture. I know Jack felt the same way, knew he’d take care of it. But HOW did you make sure Vaughn was available, for real, this time?”
No one spoke. Vaughn glared at Weiss and Jack. Not surprisingly it was Weiss that broke first.
“We set Alice up,” Weiss muttered.
“You set her up? Oh, Weiss,” Syd moaned.
“How?” Vaughn exclaimed. “Tell us how.”
“This should be good,” Irina said with relish.
TBC at HERE