Money Can Buy You Love. And Glitter. Chapter 8
Summary: AU set approximately three years after Adam Lambert won Season 8 of American Idol. He has a successful career but after a string of failed relationships, has more or less given up on romance and is focusing on his career to the point of being a workaholic. He still has trouble with inappropriate appearances of the glambulge during performance and still loves glitter. Kris Allen is a singer/guitarist from Arkansas who moved to LA nearly two years ago to try and break into the business and get away from a small town and family life that became uncomfortable after he came out of the closet. He's just about ready to give up hope of making it into the business. He's still wearing plaid.
Rating: NC-17 eventually. This chapter is PG-13.
Ship:: Adam/Kris
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Chapter 8: Showing the cracks
"The start of what?" Adam prompted.
"I went into this gay bar in Little Rock," Kris began again. He took another deep breath.
Realizing that Kris needed help getting started, Adam asked, "There are gay bars in Little Rock?"
"Yeah. Not very glamorous gay bars, not like LA, but... they uh serve their purpose."
When Kris blushed and fiddled with the hem of Adam's shirt, Adam smiled and urged, "I get the drift. Caught that wave myself. Go on."
Kris nodded, then unconsciously slid his hands up under it, needing to touch skin. Oh yeah... warm. He leaned his forehead onto Adam's shoulder and whispered, the words coming out in a rush of sound.
"I went into this gay bar to meet a guy I'd hooked up with on the internet because you know I wasn't out so I didn't have a relationship, but I still wanted you know. And we came out right away because it wasn't like we were there to dance, you know. So we came out of this gay bar with my uh date for the night on our way to his apartment and and and and..."
Taking a loud breath, wondering if Adam could hear him over the sound of his heart beating so loud in remembrance that he would swear his ear drums were vibrating, Kris forced himself to continue. "I literally walked right into a guy I know who was walking to another bar on the street. He'd seen me go in and couldn't believe it, so he hung around, thinking he was going to make a joke that I'd screwed up and gone into the wrong bar. But when I came out with a guy, he realized it wasn't a joke. He's from my hometown, small town, you know? That dude, he looked up and saw the bar, looked at the other guy and... figured it out. He started yelling at me... bad stuff. He apparently got on his phone and called his cousin whose sister's husband's sister was on the board of the pre-school. And, and, and--"
"You've gotta be kidding," Adam interjected, if only to get Kris to slow down. He was talking so fast, so softly, mumbling, tears running down his face while gasping for air, his breath loud and raspy and wet. Adam was afraid Kris was going to pass out.
"No. And so and so and so---" Kris looked down when Adam touched his cheek. Only then did he realize that his cheek was wet with tears and that he was out of breath.
"It's okay. We have all the time in the world. Take a breath, Kris. Take a breath..." Adam crooned and gently pressed Kris down against him.
"Okay." Kris rested his forehead against Adam's shoulder and focused on breathing in and out. Finally lifting his head, he tried again. "So..so... they called me in and I sat down and... the looks on their faces... Like I was something... less. Like they smelled something rotten. Like I was garbage. These were people I'd known my whole life! who knew me. I'd played with their kids, was friend with their kids or brothers. And they they..." Kris bit his lip and looked up, hoping the tears would stop falling. As Adam's finger gently wiped away the tears, Kris relaxed his body and looked up into Adam's eyes and found the strength to continue. "First they tried to witness to me, tell me how I was going to hell, but if I renounced my evil ways, they could -- in all Christian goodness -- forgive me my sin. My sin? When I knew them -- none of them are... Oh, that's not even the point, is it? None of us are perfect - that's the point. But then..."
"What did you say?"
"I... not much. I was in shock, I think. Later I thought of all sorts of things I shoulda said, but then..." Kris frowned. "I just sat there, waiting. I knew what was gonna happen... they fired me. They didn't want my kind around their kids. They told me that because they were good Christians they wouldn't tell the parents why I was being let go, but in good conscience they wouldn't lie if someone asked them. Which meant that I was going to be screwed over because everyone would know and..." Kris ran out of words. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and inhaled the scent that was Adam, kissed his neck, and once again wiggled closer.
"So that's how your parents found out?" Adam stroked Kris' back and sighed himself. His heart hurt for Kris, but he hoped Kris was taking as much comfort from being in his arms as he was enjoying holding him. Kris felt damn good in his arms.... he felt right and... okay, maybe he did enjoy being taking care of others too much, but he felt privileged that Kris was telling him this obviously difficult tale. . Maybe... He tightened his grip for a moment, then felt warmth inside when Kris seemed to fall more fully against him.
"I told them first. You know..." Kris shook his head ruefully as he moved deeper under Adam's arm. "On the way home, I was... relieved, you know? I was angry and upset and a little bit afraid, but part of me was glad this game of hide and seek was over. The attempts to fix me up with nice girls would be over. I thought my parents would be mad about losing the job, but I honest to god thought they'd come around about me being gay. I thought... I mean, you hear about parents who have issues, but then when it's their kid, it's different, right? And my parents loved me, I mean my father gave me crap over work, but I knew or... thought I knew that love trumped everything."
"It should..." Adam said softly, feeling the trembling in Kris' body and shifting his legs so that Kris fell more fully against him. He wondered if Kris' original belief that his parents would accept him had been wishful thinking and willful denial of reality. Kris had kept his sexuality a secret well into adulthood. Had it been so much harder to be open in Arkansas, had Kris known deep down that his parents and friends would not accept him and avoided instigating it?
Kris paused and drew in a shallow shaky breath, then as Adam's hand slowly rubbed his back, took in a deeper draught of air. "Okay. I thought or I hoped they'd be more mad over the hypocrisy of these good Christians treating me like crap than over me getting caught. I mean, I thought they might be mad about me being gay, but I thought they'd... get over it, I guess. Especially my mom. But instead, I...I...I... when I told them, they just screamed at me. They had a fit and I mean, I've never seen my father act like that... I didn't even know him. And the words that came out of his mouth..."
"That must've been scary."
"It was. It was like my family had become strangers. Strangers who....who...who hated me!" Kris heard his voice get higher and warbly and clamped his mouth shut.
"It's okay. Just get it out. Tell the story. Get it out," Adam urged. Holding it in like this for so long could not be a good idea, letting those bad memories and bad thoughts brew in their own juices inside his head and heart. "Get it out and then you can start to let it go."
Seeing the conviction in his own words in Adam's eyes, Kris decided to trust Adam's judgment. And after all, it wasn't like holding it in had made him feel better, so why not? He had nothing to lose and the last time he'd realized that.... He held onto Adam's arms and whispered, "They threw my stuff out on the lawn and told me to leave and never come back or not until I'd thrown the devil out of me. And my father actually said, he said..." Kris paused as he struggled for breath, hearing the loud rasping of his own breath, wet in his tight throat. He nodded mutely when Adam rubbed his back and pulled him into the warm circle of his arms and laid against Adam's' chest for long moments. Eventually, he began again, "He said it was good I wasn't going to be around children any more because I was a pervert who could....who would...." He could not speak the words even if he wanted, his tears choking him.
Forcing his lips to speak carefully and not say what he was really thinking since one of them needed to be calm, Adam said, "I get it. If saying that hurts too much, you don't have to repeat it. Unless you need to." What he needed to do was punch Kris' father in the face. Repeatedly.
"Okay..." Kris took another deep breath, then tilted his head back to look into Adam's eyes. "I couldn't believe it. I just stood there and stared and they slammed the door. I stood there for hours, waiting... hearing those words..."
Kris bit his lip as he remembered standing there in the front lawn, the sky growing dark, seeing no movement inside the house, feeling his muscles grown thick and tight, as thick and tight as his throat as the night insects buzzed around him, as his feet started to hurt and then finally, the greatest hurt of all, the one deep inside as the door stayed closed and the lights went off in the house. No open door, no calling of his name, not even a good bye from his mama. Nothing but the buzzing that he eventually realized was in his own ears, the sound of the silence that wasn't quiet, that was filled with the remembered sound of the hate coming out of his own father's mouth.
Shuddering at the memory, hearing the words ringing in his ear, Kris realized that Adam was crooning to him, singing softly, his voice sweet and rough at the same time. And something in him opened up and felt whole again. He sighed, burrowed into Adam's embrace, then sighed again and kissed Adam's cheek. "Thank you."
"Don't revisit the specific words that hurt," Adam advised, relieved that Kris had returned from the dark memory he'd been visiting, every pain moving across his face as the recollection passed through his mind. "You give them too much continued power that way. Find a dream or a fantasy or a good memory to replace them."
Nodding, Kris rested his head on Adam's shoulder and took a deep breath, then another. Adam always smelled good and he had a feeling he'd always associate his scent not only with heat and desire but, now, with comfort too. He laid against Adam's solidity for a long time, listening to their breathing. Adam's soft kisses against his hair finally penetrated the miasma of exhaustion and fear. Adam... He wasn't turning away from him. He was holding him and... Kris buried his face against the heat of Adam's neck and kissed, then lightly on the skin, wanting, needing to be closer, closer...
Stroking Kris from the top of his head, all the way down his back and up again, Adam asked, "So did you have a dream when you came out here -- or did you just run as far as you can and the ocean stopped you once you got here?"
"Go west, young man?" Kris hummed under his breath in time with the movements of Adam's hands. "I just drove at first, then I decided that I'd come out here and show them, you know? I came out here and I pounded the pavement -- me and my guitar. Trying to get a deal, trying to get work. All I got was a job in a bar. Tending bar, not even singing at it. I keep trying, but day-umm. It--"
"Sucks?" Adam nodded. "That's why I went on Idol. I wanted to make music. And I wanted to make some money at it too."
"We all gotta make a living, so why not make money doing what you love?" Kris nodded. "I don't see anything wrong with wanting to make money at it. The starving artist route is romantic only as long as it's not you starving. I want a..." Kris trailed off. If he told Adam about his food cravings, he'd get the world's largest delivery from Whole Foods the next day.
"What did you want most?" Adam asked. "What's been your motivation?"
"Me? You know, being totally honest, I think what I wanted most of all was to become the next big thing so that they could see me and regret... God, thats stupid." And probably one of the reasons he'd been ready to give up.
"No, that sounds real. I think most of the people in the entertainment business have more than one moment of envisioning themselves in front an audience of millions at an awards ceremony, singing, 'If They Could See Me Now'." Adam paused. Sensing Kris felt that he was done with exhausting himself, Adam smiled and noted, "I'd do it wearing diamonds."
Kris laughed. "Hmm. How about a cane?"
"Totally. A sparkly one too."
"Is there anything you wouldn't add sparkles to?"
"I wouldn't Bedazzle my dick."
Kris blinked and broke into loud laughter, the anxiety and emotion of his story nearly dissipating in a welcome burst of amusement. Adam had the best timing.
"I haven't laughed this much in, like, forever. I haven't..." He stopped to corral his thoughts, his emotions whirling inside him. Feeling Adam's heart beat against his cheek in a hard thudthudthud, he grasped the most important one. "I haven't felt in a long time. I think I was afraid to feel because I was afraid to let all that emotion out, that I'd fall apart and... that was bad, you know?"
"Why? Sometimes isn't falling apart what you need to do in order to put it back together?"
"I thought it was weak... girly."
"That's not only a sexist way of thinking, it's untrue. In my experience, women are often tougher than men."
"Maybe, but..." Kris stopped and shook his head. Adam was right.
"Why are you using the language and values of the people who rejected you to define you? Isn't that perpetually self-destructive?"
"I...wow. I never...That's something to think about." Kris smiled abruptly. Wanting to be finished talking about himself, he asked, "But.... do you do that? Or do you hear the nasty crap people said to you in high school in your head when you look in the mirror sometimes?"
"Bingo. I talk a better game than I play," Adam admitted. "I think that's why the crap with my boyfriend-who-wasn't and the asshole who sold that picture...." He looked down at Kris' hand on his chest. Was that just to touch him or was it an unconscious need for Adam to stop questioning for the moment? He nodded and continued with his story, deciding Kris needed time to get control. "My friend, Alisan, who's been in show business forever - she keeps telling me that everyone can get played and not to take it personally. But those old insecurities and the way I'm such a control freak..."
"Well, but that was horrible," Kris said softly. Thank god he wasn't talking about himself for a moment. And it was always good to remember that almost everyone had their own pain, not just yourself. "I felt so bad for you."
"I felt bad for me," Adam shuddered as he remembered the horror of getting a call from the pr rep at the label, Jacob the Jerk, informing him that an unflattering naked picture of him was making the rounds. "Bad year for me when it came to partners. First, my boyfriend turns out to just be another guy on the make for a deal and using me to leap hurdles..." Adam paused. That hurt had been like an open wound for so long and now, poking at it carefully, he found it didn't have that sharp pain of fire any more. It had dulled. And he was tired of thinking about or as his mom said, overanalyzing it. It was time to focus on the positive. "I'm done with it now. Mostly anyway. You can call me on it if I do what my mother -- exaggerating, I'm sure -- called wallowing."
"I'm glad." Kris smiled up into Adam's face, glad the intense stare Adam had been directing at him had changed quickly from sad to warm and contented.
Unthinkingly Adam pulled Kris closer to him and smiled. He had met a really cute guy, a really nice guy, who seemed to like him and need him just for him, not for what he could do for him. "Well, you probably read about it or saw it on Access Hollywood, so I don't need to give the post-mortem."
"He was an idiot," Kris said fervently, also remembering those gossip stories. "And so was that Billy Bush, the way he..."
"Salivated over the news that I'd been used?" Adam frowned. "That guy has short man syndrome."
"I don't."
"I can tell." Adam wiggled his eyebrows. "Which probably means you don't have any inadequacy issues."
Kris laughed softly, then said honestly, "Naw. I think my inadequacies stem from being rejected by everyone I loved."
"That's enough to do it." Adam kissed Kris' hair. Taking the chance that Kris had been distracted enough to gain control again, he then asked quietly, "Did everyone really reject you or did you just pull back under the assumption--"
"I know they all rejected me!" Kris exclaimed, then bit his lip. "I... " Clenching his hands tightly around Adam's arms, Kris pondered Adam's advice about replacing bad memories with good thoughts. Positive thinking. Hmm. He slid his hands up and down Adam's arms as they still encircled him. Kris thought he'd replace those memories with this moment -- when someone had cared enough to hold him through a storm. "I thought my parents, they'd call me in or...later, call me."
"But they still haven't?" Adam asked softly, realizing this was the core of the sadness he'd sensed in Kris.
"No. I... guess I thought, I hoped they'd come after me. Or after a while, contact me, but..." Kris drew in a deep breath. "I never changed my phone number. I..."
"They still may."
Hearing the "may" for the warning it was, Kris asked, "Do you really think..."
"I.." Adam took a deep breath. "When you stood there, waiting... Was it a total shock or was it the shock of your worst nightmare coming true?"
"Wow, there's a question..." Kris whispered.
"Or... ask yourself this. Did you keep your sexuality a secret because it can be so hard to be quote unquote different or did you keep it because you're a non-confrontational person and you knew revealing the truth would lead to a nasty fight resulting in rejection? Or both?"
"Either way, that doesn't say much about my courage!" Kris gulped. Maybe that had been the real test of his manhood, the decision to avoid the truth and its consequences. Maybe his father was right, for all the wrong reasons....
"And maybe... you've grown up and changed since you were on your own too, Kris," Adam warned, giving Kris a hard squeeze as he heard the mumblings under Kris' breath as he stared at Adam unseeingly. "Maybe you need to forgive yourself for mistakes you made in the past."
"Is this where you give me the lecture about learning only from your mistakes?"
"No. That's idiotic because it implies that only negative reinforcement works. You can learn from your successes too."
Kris smiled. "The way you lecture tells me that someday you're gonna be a great parent."
"Ew. I'm not your parent!" Adam shuddered. "Good god, I was lecturing? I'm sorry."
"Not into that whole "daddy" subculture?" Kris asked.
"No. I'm just bossy, not paternalistic."
Kris nodded. "My parents, then. Do you think...How long should I wait?" He poked Adam. "How long would you wait?"
"I think you can always have hope..." Adam said carefully, not wanting to give Kris false hope that his parents would come around. Sadly, it didn't always happen, which was how, in part, he'd created this new family in LA, full of people needing a new family.
"I hear a big ol' but in your voice."
"Hope is important. But you can't change other people, so this particular wish doesn't need to be one you revisit regularly. More like... something you keep in a treasure chest you open only every so often. Whereas, with hopes and dreams that you can control -- those you should keep at the forefront so you work to make them come true." He stopped and grimaced. "Listen to me. I sound like some old hermit man on the mountain. I'm about as wise as I am a hermit. As in, not at all. I apologize."
"Oh, I don't know. I think you have the wisdom that comes from experience. After all, if you're older, you should be wiser, right?" Kris teased.
Adam stuck out his tongue. "And... since I'm older, I'll always be wiser."
"You'd like to think that. It may be a delusion caused by getting senile with old age." Kris laughed as Adam bounced his legs and Kris nearly fell off of Adam's lap. He grabbed Adam's arms and righted himself, then smoothed Adam's shirt, hoping his tears and clutching grip had not ruined it. "But thanks. I... guess I needed to let that..." He waved his hand abstractly though the air. "I needed to let the crap go. I feel better. A lot better now. Lighter. I guess I needed to say it. Thanks for listening to me and..." Kris looked up and smiled shyly. "And holding me. I...needed that too."
"You're nice to hold." Adam smiled and pulled Kris in for a hug, smiling again when Kris kissed his cheek. He liked... okay, if he were honest, he loved how affectionate Kris was. And he needed to think about the advice he'd given Kris and why he didn't always take it himself. "Do you want to go to the bathroom and wash your face?" Adam asked.
"I swear I am the worst date ever!" Kris shook his head, but feeling Adam's hands still roving up and down his back, he felt no need to move from his position on Adam's lap.
"Believe me, I've had way worse!" Adam laughed. "You haven't vomited on me."
"Gross!" Kris elbowed Adam and confided, "That happened to me too."
"In public?"
"Ah, you win. You topped me!"
"Not yet." Adam smirked. Unbelievable that Kris hadn't gotten up to immediately fix his face. Not that he had to, he looked fine, just a little worn and tear-stained. Like a real guy who'd had a hard time and wasn't afraid to show it. Amazing.
Kris wiggled around on Adam's lap. "Maybe later? Would that improve my date rating?"
"When we sat down on the floor, you immediately straddled my hips And now you're proving to be a talented wiggler. Your rating is already going up." Adam shifted his hips.
"Damn!" Kris gasped out as he felt a bulge under his ass. "That picture was a lie. I'll testify in court."
"See? Not the worst date ever. You've complimented my dick -- sight unseen. And more important, you haven't taken an unflattering pic of it yet."
Kris burst into laughter. "It does feel as though you're ready for your close up."
"Mr. DeMille?" Adam smiled. "Come here, get close to me..." He urged, sliding his hand up Kris' back until he could curl it around his neck and press forward, smiling when Kris responded to his touch by eagerly meeting his lips.
Feeling his own pulse pound against Adam's palm, Kris gave into the strength that seemed to surround him and surrendered to the heat that seemed to flow into and around him from Adam's mouth and arms and body.
"You taste like tears," Adam whispered, unsure if a minute or an hour had passed.
"I'd rather taste like you. Come back here," Kris whispered back, tilting his head up for another kiss. When he was with Adam he felt... alive again.
Adam moaned softly as he slowly pulled back to stare into Kris' eyes. He was so... open. "You're beautiful..." he whispered.
Kris gaped at him. Adam must've drunk too much at the restaurant or something. "You're the one who's beautiful. Me? I should wash my face..." Kris said as he reluctantly stood up and held his hand out for Adam.
"Sure. The bathroom's apparently that way," Adam teased as he vaulted to his feet and Kris did not move.
"Do you still wanna go out to a club?" Kris asked, ducking his head and playing nervously with a button on Adam's shirt. He wouldn't blame Adam for ducking out and never calling him again. God, he'd blown it, no doubt and he'd hate himself--
"If you want to," Adam offered.
"I look a mess--"
"I could put make up on you."
Kris shook his head at Adam's teasing. "I think it looks hot on you, especially when you do the shiny stuff on your eyelids. But on me?" He shook his head again. "I'd look like a boy playing dress up."
"No, you wouldn't and besides, dress up is fun!" Adam argued, smiling at the fact that Kris liked his make up.
Reaching out impulsively, Kris hugged Adam to him in a tight grip. "Being with you is so much fun. So whatever you want to do. I'm easy."
"I'm going to be very glad about that another night. But no club tonight. We can go another time. There's always a dj and a dance floor." Adam grinned and slapped Kris on the butt. "Now go wash up and change of plans. Let's go to a quiet club, listen to some music and have a drink or two."
"And some dessert? Cake is good. I like cake!" Kris said, suddenly ravenous.
"Oh, now, this is a great date. You're actually asking me to feed you."
"That's not all I'd like you to feed me..." Kris said, reaching back to cup Adam's cock through his tight jeans.
"You..." Adam once again was unable to resist the urge to enfold Kris in his arms. "The way you go from a kid wanting cake to a guy wanting cock..." He laughed. "God, I have a good time with you."
"Really?" Kris asked, frowning when he heard his voice squeak. After tonight's mess, Adam thought he was a good time? He took a deep breath, thanked god for big favors and looked up at Adam. "Tonight. Thanks. For everything tonight."
"Thank you," Adam whispered back. He brushed his hand against the side of Kris' face and tilted his head back to look into his eyes. If Kris was anything other than completely honest, then he should go into acting rather than singing, because everything in his face seemed true.
"For what?" Kris asked, perplexed.
"For being real."
"I... don't know any other way to be..." Kris said slowly.
"I know. That's what's so amazing."
TBC ----> Chapter 9: Cracked eggs, cracked plaster, cracked plans