Money Can Buy You Love. And Glitter. Epilogue
Rating: This chapter is R.
Ship:: Adam/Kris
Story begins here: Chapter 1: Meet cute in coffee shop
Click HERE and scroll down to find links to all the chapters of this story.
Epilogue: You're the Cream in My Coffee
"Wow, Laney. Who's that hot guy in the tight jeans?" Adam said in a stage whisper as he nodded toward the man in front of him in line.
"Wow, Adam. How am I supposed to know?" Lane rolled her eyes. "I thought the days of me keeping an Excel spreadsheet of do-able twinks, cross-coded by geographic location and age--"
"And flexibility?" Adam asked eagerly.
"Yes, that," Lane agreed with a prim twist to her mouth. "I thought those days were over. Years ago."
"Well, a man can look." Adam winked and then whistled, while ignoring Lane's attempts to choke her own laughter. "And this guy looks do-able. Many times over."
"Explain to me how we ended up with four children?" Neil asked with a loud sigh as he returned from the morning school run. He flung the keys to their SUV on the kitchen counter and sat down, grateful he had a few minutes of relative quiet before he had to start work.
"Wellll..." Dani began with a grin, sliding a cup of coffee across the kitchen island towards her husband. "When a man and woman love each other very much..."
"Or a woman buys a turkey baster and a man jerks off into a cup..." Neil added with a smirk.
"Have I mentioned lately how glad I am that you all talked me into moving in here?" Leila interjected as she walked into the kitchen and made straight for the coffeemaker. "The conversation is so edifying."
"I'm glad! We were close to being outnumbered!" Dani shuddered.
"No shit. We're soooo relieved you moved in with us. Of course, it also allows us to keep an eye on you as you get..." Neil paused, then added, "Older."
"Oh fantastic, thanks for the reminder. This is why Adam is my favorite." Leila laughed when Neil stuck his tongue out at her, then shook her head. "Life in this house never ceases to amaze. If it's not walking into conversations about men jerking off into cups..." Leila put down the cup in her hand with a grimace.
"Don't worry, Mom. Adam and Kris used plastic cups. These are ceramic." Neil laughed as he handed his mother a mug.
"Thanks so much for the added visualization!" Leila snarked, slapping Neil's arm.
Neil smirked and squared his shoulders to stand up straight. Thumping his own chest, he noted, "Hey, at least I didn't need a tool to impregnate my wife."
Dani and Leila looked at each other and rolled their eyes in unison.
"Stop that," Neil complained. "It freaks me out when you two act like each other."
"Oooh po wittle baby..." Dani crooned.
"No, seriously. Last Halloween, when you dressed up as each other?" Neil shuddered.
Dani winked. "Best birth control ever."
Neil rolled his own eyes, then laughed when Leila grabbed a spoon from the counter and waved it at him. "Speaking of Adam and Kris, where are they? I thought Adam would be glued to the computer waiting for the proof of the People cover."
"Oh, it's not going to come in until late today. Adam saw the initial proof and didn't like Rory or Emmaline's hair, so they're re-doing it. Adam and Lane went on a coffee run about half an hour ago." Dani smiled and shook her head. "So you can guess where Kris is."
Adam watched with a leer as the man in front of him dug in his pocket for money and nervously asked, "Ummm... wait a minute, please?"
Ostentatiously tapping her fingertips on the counter, the barista snapped, "I don't have all day. There are customers behind you."
"Don't worry. I'll cover his coffee!" Adam said brightly, shoving a bill toward her.
"Oh, I can't let you pay for my coffee!"
"Of course you can. Don't argue."
"I don't want to be beholden to anyone."
"Not even me?" Adam asked, smiling his winningest smile. He knew it was his winningest smile because his mom had told him it was when he'd practiced it before, Lane was chuckling, and yeah, the guy in front of him melted.
"I don't want you to hold my temporary poverty against me."
"How about you hold yourself against me and we'll call it even?" Adam wiggled his eyebrows, then laughed as everyone around burst out laughing.
"How many years have they been playing this game?" The barista asked her coworker, the coworker who was going to get the big tip for playing along.
The second barista shrugged. "I dunno. But they get a kick out of it. And it's kinda cute that guys their age still..."
"Guys our age?" Two voices hissed.
"Thanks." Lane held up a twenty and shoved it into the barista tip jar. "Made my day."
"Traitor!" Kris gasped in mock outrage, then shrugged. "Then again, don't know why I'm agitated. They have to be talking about you..." He poked Adam in the chest. "And your age. You'll always be older than me." He grinned.
Adam grinned back. "And taller."
"And have more hair....." A young male voice interjected. "And if height correlates with dick size... Well, let's put it this way. He still looks damn fiiine to me. I wouldn't mind calling him Daddy."
"Back off," Kris snapped as he stepped between Adam and the...young punk. "He's taken." He grabbed Adam's left hand and held it up, pointing to the wide and still sparkling band on the ring finger and thinking maybe he needed to upgrade next anniversary to something even bigger and sparklier. Could you put a scrolling LED line on a ring? "Permanently."
"Hey, dude." The young man held up his hands. "Sounds like you weren't appreciating him."
"I appreciate him plenty!" Kris growled, then turned around, flung his arms around Adam's neck and planted a hard and possessive kiss on his lips.
"I'd appreciate my coffee." Lane raised her eyebrows and shoved the two men aside.
Reluctantly pulling back from Adam's warmth, Kris smiled up at him, then glared from Adam to Lane and back again. "Waitaminit. Laney had a spreadsheet of do-able twinks?"
"Don't be ridiculous." Adam laughed.
"Yes, Kris. Really." Lane sipped her coffee to hide her smile. "As if Adam would need a spreadsheet to keep track of do-able twinks back in the day. He had that intel memorized... far better than he did with song lyrics. Priorities, don't you know?"
"Oh, I know..." Kris growled, glaring at the young guy who was grinning smugly at him, then at his husband. "I know all about Adam and his cavalcade of cock--"
"Cavalcade?" Adam sighed and hid his grin. "You cannot be serious."
"Well, I am." Lane smiled smugly. "Remember that time in Moscow when you forgot the words to Whataya Want From Me? On a live feed to their national television station?"
"Hardeefreakingharharrrrr..." Adam shook his head.
"Humfph!" Kris grunted, reaching for his own coffee and pointedly ignoring Adam's cup waiting on the counter as Adam exaggeratedly watched the young guy who'd hit on him -- on Adam, his husband, damn it! -- walk past them. He narrowed his eyes.
Lane and Adam shared a smile of amusement at Kris' possessiveness as he growled at the kid at the counter. Lane nodded to herself. After what she called the NEWYEARSDAYINCIDENT -- which in her mind was all capital letters -- Kris had proven territorial about Adam. Which made perfect sense, of course, because when you came close to losing something precious, you learned to hold on to it tightly. And Adam seemed to like it, so it worked out. Plus Kris was terribly cute when he got all--
"Hedgehog..." Adam began.
"Eh, it's okay." Kris shrugged nonchalantly. "After all, at your age it's not like you could keep up with a twink any more anyway. Could ya?"
"You..." Adam glared and circled Kris' wrist with strong fingers and pulled him toward the door. "We're going to the apartment and--"
"NO!" Lane planted herself in front of Kris and Adam and held her hand up. "No. You both have work to do today."
"But Laaaaane..." They both whined, squeezing each other's hand.
"Oh stop. Refocus, please." Lane pointed towards the street where their cars were parked. "We need to get back to the office soon. And by the way? Pouting only works when you're two, not forty--"
"It always works for me." Kris elbowed Adam and waited until he looked down to work on a pout. He smiled triumphantly at Lane when Adam's eyes went immediately to his lower lip and stared at it.
"That's because you're a slut for him and so he gives you everything," Lane said quickly.
"Hey, that's not fair," Kris complained. He paused, then added, "I don't get everything." When everyone finished laughing, he continued, "Plus we're more complicated than that. Aren't we?"
"No kidding. You make us sound so... simplistic," Adam protested. Although really, now he had an image in his mind of his cock sliding over Kris' lower lip, so it was hard to concentrate.
Lane raised her eyebrow and grinned as she looked over Kris' shoulder and sat down at the nearest table. "Men are simplistic. There is little intellectual or emotional difference between Cale and our two sons."
"That's because Cale is heterosexual," Kris explained, watching the reflection in the plate glass. "He's less evolved."
"Oh yeah, you little monkey?" Cale's voice rumbled in an undertone as he punched Kris in the arm with one hand and took a cup of coffee from Lane with the other.
"Hey, Cale." Adam nodded as Cale joined them after running his two sons to school. The men all sat down with Lane. "Don't take offense. I mean, Kris wears just as much ugly plaid as you do. Sometimes I wonder if I should have his gay card revoked."
"Then I get out the naughty stool and you forget allll about it," Kris quipped.
"You get out the naughty stool and I forget my name. Luckily, I have you screaming it multiple times, so it all comes back to me." Glancing at the clock on the coffeehouse wall, Adam asked Lane, "We've had enough fun for one day, right? We can drop Kris off at the school for his morning class and we can go to the office for our morning staff meeting."
"Does Adam hafta?" Kris whined as Adam's hand on his thigh moved up higher."But I wanted--"
"Yes, yes. I know. You wanted Adam to pound you into a mattress," Lane said absently as she pulled out her phone. "But you always want that and today Adam no doubt wants to keep in touch with the photo editor at People --"
"Aurora and Emmaline's hair was not perfect in the shots they chose," Adam confided to Kris. "And you know how picky they are about it."
Kris bit his lip. Rory had her father's hair and always looked perfect in his opinion and Emmaline... well, her hair was like some blonde force of nature, but what did he know? Well, he knew that Rory and Emmaline weren't the picky one.
Lane hid her own smile and continued, "Plus he has auditions for a new drummer. Busy day."
Kris elbowed Cale. "Does she talk to you like that -- like a two year old she needs to distract from the shiny toy?"
"Is Adam your shiny toy?" Cale teased.
"Yeah, when he puts on that edible glitter." Kris winked. "Or that silver studded cock ring and--"
"Busy day!" Lane interrupted with a glare at her husband and Kris.
"True." Adam nodded, then held up his index finger. "But.. priorities. Did you just say Kris always wanst me to pound him into a mattress?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "I'm shocked."
"No, you're not," Lane corrected. "You're hopeful he'll get a chance to prove that he wants you to pound him into the mattress. Or the world's ugliest chair. Which, can I reiterate that the day you moved that chair out of your house so I don't have to see it again was the happiest day of my life?" Lane put her hand over her heart and sniffed loudly.
Cale snorted. "Wait. I thought our wedding or the birth days of our sons were the happiest days of your life? Wait again." He held up his hand. "I see your point. Removing that monstrosity of a chair does outrank those days."
"This is why I love you so," Lane exclaimed, leaning forward to give Cale a kiss. "You understand priorities. Speaking of which..." She pointed at Kris and Adam who were eyeing each other like Kris was mint chocolate chip ice cream and Adam was dump cake. "You two? Later. In your Secret Lair or Bat Cave or Den of Iniquity or whatever you call that place."
"I'd call it Kris' old apartment that they bought and renovated for private space," Cale noted with a shrug.
"So unimaginative," Lane retorted with a grin.
"I think she capitalized the words den of iniquity," Adam told Kris.
"You know it. And secret lair." Kris wiggled his eyebrows.
"But Bat Cave is already a proper compound noun or name, so it's already capitalized."
"Excellent point." Kris agreed, biting his lip to keep from laughing as Lane crossed her eyes. "Speaking of excellent points..." Kris leered down at Adam's lap.
Lane sighed. "We've had our fun. We all need to get down to business."
Adam nodded. "Oh, I can get--"
"I know. Down." Cale rolled his eyes. "Old joke, dude. Old."
"I'm not liking the theme this morning," Adam complained. "Might as well go to BALLS and get down to business if you all are just going to mock me for being the oldest."
Kris shrugged. "Sure. My business is all about, like I was saying, excellent points... That Secret Lair..."
"Den of Iniquity," Adam corrected.
"Yeah, that. It was the investment was the best one we ever made, buying that building," Kris whispered, nudging Adam with his elbow and wiggling his eyebrows.
Adam grinned. "That king-size Tempurpedic mattress was the best investment we ever made."
Lane laughed. "Do you have anything in that apartment other than that mattress? And the world's ugliest chair?"
"Sure." Kris reached out and took Adam's free hand in his. "We have a fridge, a naughty stool, my mushie chair and a toy cabinet. What more could we need?"
"I know--" Lane began. "I saw Adam's wish list on my Amazon account and--"
Adam laughed. "And since you want to know everything, Laney, the toy cabinet has--"
"Stop." Lane shook her head. "No, actually, go on. Do tell me about all of your sex toys in the cabinet. Maybe Cale and I could spice up our sex life. I'd like to see him in a harness and--"
"My ears, my ears, my virgin ears!" Kris shrieked as Cale turned bright red and began to choke on his coffee. "Stopstopstop!"
"Oh, I'll tell you." Adam leaned forward. "The best sex toy is the biggest one. It's really big. Because Kris loves big when it comes to sex. The bigger the better."
"So I hear. I've been next to you in hotels a time or two," Lane noted drily.
"Didn't Neil say that once?" Adam asked absently while staring at Kris' mouth.
Cale groaned. "Me too. Seriously, dude, sometimes you need to keep it down."
"I thought guys always wanted it up!" Kris quipped, giggling at his own joke.
"Not exactly a hardship. All he has to do is put a drop of glitter on his face and you get an erection, Kris," Lane reminded him. "Keep it in your pants until you get to the apartment for the nooner Adam's planned."
"How did you know..." Kris splutters, although why he should, he doesn't know. Laney still knows everything even if she wasn't Adam's PA any more.
"Simple deduction, my dear Watson. You're wearing tight jeans and no plaid. I know the rules of the apartment -- they start with no plaid and end with your butt in the tightest jeans Adam can convince you to buy."
Kris sighed. "I really don't know what I was thinking."
"I do. You were thinking, 'Sex.' What do I have to do to get it?" Cale shrugged. "It's simple. Guys will do whatever it takes to get sex."
"See? Simplistic." Lane nodded. "I quite like it when I am proven correct."
"You gave up the plaid to get the world's ugliest chair." Adam reminded Kris. "A very basic deal. Quid pro quo."
"Hmm." Kris narrowed his eyes. "I thought Neil was the contract negotiator for BALLS, not you."
Lane winced. "I can't believe I allowed you to talk me into agreeing re-naming Geoffrey's company BALLS when we reconsolidated it. Hell, I can't believe you talked Geoffrey into it."
Kris shrugged. "I can't believe you took drugs during childbirth. How were we supposed to know you were still high on them when you signed that paper?" He smiled innocently, then winced when Lane kicked his shin. Evil woman.
"One day, one day, I'll get you back for that. You know that, right?" Lane smirked as she saw the alarmed glance the two men gave each other and cackled, "That's right, my pretties. Be afraid, very afraid. I'll get you and your little dog too!"
Kris took a long sip of his coffee, then exclaimed, "Oh, I get it. Those two boys of yours are really your flying monkeys!"
Cale laughed. Their two boys were a handful. Lane made managing them look easy. And then she'd go off on a business trip and he'd be reminded that she was some sort of super woman. He leaned over to kiss her cheek, smiling when she touched his hand.
"Flying monkeys." Adam nodded as he watched the silent byplay of affection between Lane and Cale. Ha. They really should thank him more often for ensuring they met each other on that long ago reconnaisance mission. "Well, that explains so much."
"Like starting with those really weird little suits she makes them wear?" Kris leaned forward to poke Cale, who shook his head in shared bewilderment.
"Yeah. I thought it was some veddy British affectation..." Adam drawled in his best imitation of a British accent, the one that always made Lane groan, then giggle, even after nearly two decades of hearing it. "I also can't believe you talked Cale into letting Jake and Dane out in those suits."
"Those suits are adorable!" Lane protested. She sniffed, "And quite proper."
"Quite proper." Adam wiggled his pinky finger as he sipped his coffee.
Cale laughed. "Quite. Something."
"And by the way, Laney, we don't have a little dog," Adam pointed out with a smirk as he heard Lane's teeth grind together.
Kris pointed at Adam. "Hey. The kids want a dog for Chrismakah, by the way."
"I know. I keep seeing the helpful hints in the form of letters to Santa oh so casually left around the house."
"And the sad sad story Emmaline told us the other night about what happens to kids who grow up without dogs."
"I think Neil might have actually been behind that masterpiece."
Lane shook her head. "Actually, it was your mother, Adam. She's already got a dog picked out."
"Uh-oh..." Kris whined, but then smiled. He liked dogs. And maybe Emmaline would get so entranced with a dog she'd forget about her extreme skateboarding stuff. He could wish.
"Maybe it will be okay," Adam conceded. "After all, I do enjoy picking out collars for my little pet..." He smiled and rubbed Kris' hair, grinning widely when Kris pushed his hand away and Lane laughed. "Hedgehog."
"Listen, old man!" Kris began.
"Old man! I'll show you old. Or I'll show you how experience and wisdom trump youth every time. Boy."
"Here we go again..." Lane smiled at Cale, then stared down at her phone as her traffic app beeped and informed her that the tunnel was open once again. "Okay, let's go, boys. The tunnel is open."
"Can we do that again?" Kris asked, his voice raspy from his loud cries and the hard beat of his heart in his veins. "I want your cock in me all afternoon." He caught his breath as Adam slowly pulled out of him, then straightened him from his position bending over the chair. "Because, day-umm... For an old man..." He looked over his shoulder and leered as Adam stretched to retrieve a damp cloth from a nearby small table. Damn, he had such a nice long body and speaking of long...
Pulling Kris around to face him, Adam wiped Kris' body with the cloth he tossed in the direction of the sink. "I think you make those comments about us getting older just to aggravate me enough that I fuck you into the floor to prove I've still got what it takes." He smiled when Kris nuzzled into his shoulder.
Kris hid his grin in the curve of Adam's neck and shoulder. "That's ridiculous. You don't need to prove anything." He slid his hands down Adam's back and squeezed his ass.
"I can feel your smile against my skin, you know."
"I"m smiling because I'm groping your ass."
"Liar, liar, pants on fire."
"I'm not wearing any pants. But I do feel like I'm on fire. Down there."
"Oh hell no."
"Oh hell no?"
"You feel like you're on fire down there? Kris Allen, do you a...." Adam gulped loudly. "A social disease?"
"A social disease?" Kris wrinkled his nose and opened his eyes wide.
Adam pressed his lips together to hide his smile as Kris realized he'd widened his eyes too far and blinked so that he could fix it. Those acting classes he and Kris had taken together a few years ago were worth their weight in comedy gold, in Adam's opinion. Kris had taken the idea of facial expressiveness to whole new and hilarious levels. "Sexually transmitted disease."
"Well, yeah." Kris heaved out a long sigh and made an effort to look concerned and contrite, trying to remember what that acting coach had told him. "But... but... I got it from you!"
"From me? Ha! I've been faithful to you all these years."
"And I've been faithful to you too. Honestly, when would I have the time to look elsewhere? Between four kids, the bar, your career, BALLS and teaching in school? I'm overbooked!"
"Oooh, poor baby. Do you need a vacation?" Adam cooed. wiggling his fingers against Kris' side just to hear him giggle.
"Stop that!" Kris shoved Adam's hand aside, giggling when Adam used that hand to tickle him. "I got the fire inside from you because it is sexually transmitted. This disease. The disease of addiction. I'm hopelessly addicted to having sex with you."
Adam's lip quirked. "That was... sweet."
"Too sweet?"
"Possibly. I think I need something spicy to achieve equilibrium."
"Well, I'm not sure I want you to achieve equilibrium." Kris pushed at Adam's shoulders until they tumbled onto the bed, then shoved Adam until he rolled onto his back. Crawling immediately on top of Adam, Kris stretched out, body to body and then counting, one, two, three in his head because the acting classes had been kickass for helping him with timing, he wiggled.
Adam groaned and cupped Kris' ass. "Go ahead, wiggle again. And explain why you don't want me to have equilibrium."
"Because..." Kris dipped his head and brushed his lips against Adam's, smiling when Adam's lips parted immediately. "I'd rather make your head spin."
Twisting his mouth, Neil asked, "Did you see the mock-up of the cover People magazine sent over?" He shoved one last dinner plate into the dishwasher and then winked at Danielle before adding in Kris' direction, "I cannot believe they went with Kris' dorky idea--"
"You shouldn't call someone's idea dorky! Insults stifle creativity!" Emmaline interjected. Sometimes she got really tired of the way DadKris and Uncle Neil teased each other. "Family rules!"
"And you shouldn't interrupt someone's sentence!" Neil responded, picking up the paper from the counter. "Family ruuuules!"
"Neil, how old are you?" Kris asked, plucking the print out from Neil's hand. "Honestly. Don't make me get out the potatoes."
"Sweet or baking?" Dani asked, reaching into a basket on the counter and holding up one of each. Neil stepped back.
"Ha!" Emmaline grinned triumphantly, then deflated when her mother looked at her with that MomLook that meant trouble was imminent. Lording it over Uncle Neil wasn't worth the trouble. "Yes, Mom." Emmaline sighed. Loudly. She looked up under her lashes to see that no one was paying her attention because they were all looking at the print out of the proposed cover of People Magazine. Oh well, time to move on to more important matters. "Hey, how did my picture come out?"
"Perfect." Kris bent forward and kissed his oldest daughter's dark blonde head. "As always."
"I think you love Emmaline best," their youngest daughter, Ruthie, pouted. She added, "She always gets the mostest kisses."
"No, she doesn't!" Serena the second youngest argued as Kris swung six year old Ruthie in a small circle before giving her a kiss. "You do, 'cause you're the baby!"
"I may be the baby, but you're the shortest, Serrie!" Ruthie pointed out from her perch in Kris' arms. "You're eight, almost nine and I'm taller than you."
"DNA will out..." Neil muttered under his breath with a smirk in Kris' direction.
"Speaking of things coming out...Hey, how did our pictures come out?" Adam asked as he returned to the room after taking a phone call in the hallway. He reached for the papers and looked at the photos of their four daughters, smiling at the funny faces they were making in their individual box of the Brady Bunch-style grid, his mother in the center.
"How did I get the Alice the housekeeper position?" Leila complained. "Well, at least I'm not wearing a uniform."
"Yeah, wasn't it weird how she was supposedly a member of the family and yet they made her wear that uniform? Total classism," Neil complained.
"And those hideous white shoes!" Dani shuddered.
"Forget about her shoes. What about those ratty sneakers Kris wears?" Adam shuddered in unison with Dani. "But focus. Specifically, on our hair?"
Emmaline giggled. "I can always count on Dadam to focus with me on the important details."
"Speaking of hair -- where's Rory? And speaking of important details..." Adam looked at Danielle with a question in his eyes. "Did you read the rough draft of the article? I didn't get a chance. How did they handle the sperm donor business?"
Danielle nodded and told him softly, "Rory's changing to go back out for her dance lesson. Don't worry about the article. They didn't focus on which of you is each girl's sperm donor."
Emmaline groaned loudly. "Mooommmm... Dadammmmm... Using the word sperm in the kitchen? You two are so obscene! Honestly!"
Leila gave Emmaline a hug. "I understand, sweetheart. I had to endure a similar conversation with your mother and Neil this morning. I don't know what I did wrong raising those two boys. I really don't."
"I think they turned out... okay," Rory disagreed as she came back into the kitchen, carrying her dance bag. "Yes. Totally okay."
"What do you want?" Neil asked suspiciously as he looked at the bright blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair of the girl Adam had somehow conned Dani into naming Aurora.
"Ha. If I wanted something, I would have gone way more overboard than saying you turned out okay. Unless, of course, I was trying to deliberately downplay it so you wouldn't realize I was trying to sweeten you up." Rory looked innocently at Neil.
Neil narrowed his eyes. He knew that face. He'd seen his brother try it out on their parents and get away with murder, murder! too many damn times. But then again, sometimes he had been innocent. So how to know? "Are you serious or scamming me?"
"Well, those acting lessons weren't a waste for her," Leila noted with a wry grin in Kris' direction.
"I'm going to be on Broadway some day!" Rory announced. She grabbed an apple from the basket on the counter and held it up. "I'll thank you all in my Tony Award acceptance speech."
"Me too!" Ruthie said instantly, mimicking her older and much worshipped sister's stance. Leila smiled as she saw a flash from the past and remembered Neil trying to imitate Adam in their children.
Serena pouted. "I don't know what I want to be."
"That's okay, sweetie." Kris smiled as he hugged her tightly and gave her a kiss. "Maybe you can be like me and do a bunch of things. You don't have to settle for just one career or interest if you don't want to. Life has many twists and turns and sometimes, honestly, it's just a mystery about how it all turns out. Don't try to plan it so hard."
"Yeah, Serrie." Emmaline shrugged. "I haven't decided yet either." She sidled closer to Adam and hissed, "Although maybe I'll become a parenting expert and give speeches about not talking about sperm in the kitchen! I"m scarred for life. Scarred, I tell you!"
"Get some Vitamin E lotion for those scars." Adam shrugged. "And I don't know how any of us ended up with a prudish daughter like Emmaline."
"Humph! Well, someone in this house has to have some standards!" Emmaline teased.
"Standards? Did you say standards?" Kris and Leila asked, while Neil groaned and the girls all clapped. How Geoffrey and Lane had ever conned Adam into doing that charity performance of standards whose resulting EP had sold way too many copies, he didn't know, but he was tired of watching his brother dance with his wife and -- Yup. There they went.
Adam grabbed Dani by the waist and began waltzing her around the kitchen, while singing, "When smoke gets in your eyes..." When Neil tapped him on the shoulder to cut in, Adam switched to "You're the Cream in My Coffee" and pulled Kris into his arms and danced him out onto the patio.
Leila smiled and reached for the sheaf of papers. "I'd like to read the article. Those two are going to be out there a while."
"Can I go swimming?" Ruthie asked.
"Uh...give Dadam and DaKris a while," Dani suggested, pulling back from her husband to talk. "You know how DaKris likes the pool."
Ruthie shrugged. "He likes kissing Dadam in the little hideyholes."
"Yes." Leila cleared her throat. "Let's read this story. Emmaline, you want to do the honors?"
"You bet!" Emmaline took the papers eagerly, wincing when she heard a splash. Ugh. It was sooo embarrassing having parents who still wanted to kiss each other. And stuff. Ugh. Parents kissing. So gross. Thank god for those little grottoes. "Okay, so this is the story the reporter wrote. I better have gotten my credit!"
"You better have or People will be hearing from me!" Neil nodded.
"Calm down, Clarence Darrow." Dani patted her husband's arm. "Emmaline, please read the story to us."
"Here goes..." Emmaline winked at her mother and started, "Once upon a time..."
Fifteen years ago, Adam Lambert, his partner Kris Allen and best friend Danielle Stori graced the cover of People magazine with their newborn daughter, Emmaline. They were featured in the cover story, "The New American Family." The article highlighted several families who exemplified the changing definition of family in this country. The Lambert-Allen-Stori unit certainly was not only the most famous of those featured, but also generated the most responses from readers and the general public. Let's look at how this family has changed over the last decade and a half.
First, let's start with the easy part -- the numbers. Then the family consisted of three adults and one baby girl. A decade and a half later, there are now four children in total, ranging from the oldest at age 15 to the youngest at six -- all girls. There are also two additional adults, including a husband for Stori. To add to the total and intriguing complexity, Stori's husband is Adam's younger brother, Neil Lambert and the Lambert men's mother, Leila, lives with them. And that's just the immediate family living in the same house.
During a brief initial interview with Adam Lambert (which is quite clear is an audition I must ace before being granted access to his children), he is quick to point out with an infectious laugh that, "We sound like a sitcom or reality show, don't we? All we need is a golden retriever and we'd have all the ticky boxes checked for a hit show. In fact, we were offered our own reality show on Bravo. We spent about five seconds thinking about it before turning that down." He shudders at the notion of exposing his children to the public eye, then laughs again. "I spent my childhood wishing I could get away from my brother and spread my wings without my mother watching and here I am, living with both of them? What was I thinking? It seems that life is just a big circle, sometimes."
The broad smile on his face tells me he's making a joke, but having my own siblings, I have to wonder aloud just how difficult it might be living with them as adults.
"The key," Adam leans forward over the table in the coffee shop where we're meeting. "Is separate wings. He has his space and I have mine. My mother has her own space too."
Achieving that balance between closeness and space, intimacy and independence is something the family has worked on, Lambert confides. "Sometimes, often, maybe? We screw up and get into each other's grill. Too closely and definitely too opinionated. Well, Neil is anyway. I, of course, am the picture of diplomacy. But..." Adam stares into his coffee with a smile. "Sometimes you need people you can trust to shake you up or show you the way..." Straightening up, he adds, "And our girls are surrounded by love, which is the beginning of every happy, healthy family. Love and security is what every child needs. Hell, it's what everyone needs. Safety in love gives you wings to fly."
Security begins at home, I realize a few weeks later when I must pass through not only the gates to the neighborhood, but also the gates to the Lambert-Allen-Stori home. Walking up the pathway to the sprawling Mediterranean-style house the family calls home a few weeks later, I see an oversized green door surrounded by hot pink bougainvillea. Over the door is a lintel with what looks like the impression of a few coins and oddly enough, a small sword. The obviously custom design is one of many personal touches throughout what is clearly a family home which even with the occasional glimmer of glamor is not a designer showpiece.
As Kris Allen opens that over-size green entrance door with a cautious smile, I have to chuckle as the sound of laughter and voices raised in song floats out the portal. "The sound of music?"
"Oh geez, we probably sound like the Von Trapps or something." Kris laughs and the smile lines around his eyes and mouth wrinkle as though he's a man who laughs often and well. "Although I don't think anyone yodels."
"And we're not singing freaking Edelweiss!" Adam Lambert's voice calls out from somewhere within the sprawling, Mediterranean style home.
"I could do it, ya know. I have a guitar and I bet you have lederhosen somewhere in your closet!" Kris teases with a wink in my direction. "Or better yet -- next Halloween... Oh wait, speaking of monsters, here's my brother-in-law, Neil." He grins, the kind of evil, teasing grin brothers give each other as a tall, broad-shouldered man with a resemblance to his more famous sibling enters the foyer.
Shaking my hand, Neil Lambert immediately makes it clear that he's not one for small talk or charming a reporter. "Hey. We want to make it clear that we are not going to discuss who is the sperm donor of each child. It's a matter of public record on the birth certificates, but--"
"I already spoke with her about that. You can't stop negotatiating contracts, can you?! Because the best hobby is arguing, isn't it?" Adam asks his brother with a smile as he joins us in the foyer, referring to Neil Lambert's professional work as a contract negotiator at BALLS.
All four of them have an interest in BALLS, a company originally founded by Lambert's long-time manager and good friend, Geoffrey Brush. Both Lambert men, Allen, and Stori all have financial interest and varying degrees of hands-on involvement. The company is run on a day-to-day basis by Brush and Lane Newland (whose first name is one of the Ls in the company name). Newland was Lambert's one-time personal assistant, but several years ago made the leap to co-director of BALLS, referred to by all involved as the "family business."
Right now, however, the two Lambert brothers are more concerned with personal family business as they explain to me that they have deemphasized biological parenthood in favor of a focus on what they refer to as "real" parenting -- the day to day life of raising children -- and creating a happy family. Adam Lambert asserts control over the conversation from his brother with a warmth and charm that makes it obvious why he's every reporter's dream interview. And why a younger sibling might resent him, although Neil just looks relieved and it becomes apparent that their interplay works for both of them.
As we walk down a hallway on an abbreviated tour of the house, Adam Lambert is as quick to pull what I belatedly realize is a nervous Kris Allen to his side as he is to point out that a happy family in their case includes two couples who prioritize their own relationships as well as that with their children. Midway through a long explanation of date nights and vacation plans in the family room, Danielle Stori walks in and greets me while casting a glance around the room, clearly making sure it's suitable for company... or rather her concern becomes clear as her husband teases her about it. She shrugs and throws up her hands, "We have four kids and what seems like an entire acting troupe here on any given day. It's a wonder that there isn't a trombone laying on the floor or a vampire cape draped over the sofa!"
The room looks neat enough to me, but I admit to her that I could be easily distracted by the fascinating mixed media collage over the fireplace mantel. Seeing a Venetian Carnevale mask as a focal point in the collage, I ask about the Lambert-Allen wedding in La Serenissima, the pictures of which also graced the cover of People magazine at the time. Allen shifts on his feet and Adam Lambert runs a comforting hand down Allen's back and calmly explains that if I'm asking about the "debacle caused by fear and anger" many years before, they learned hard lessons and never repeated those mistakes. He seems to emphasize the point by leading the tour out of the room and onward.
"Yeah," Neil Lambert adds with a smirk in his brother's direction. "Adam actually listens for an explanation before running his mouth and Kris is scrupulously honest about everything these days. So Adam never asks if a pair of jeans makes his butt look big, because--"
"Because he doesn't have to, because he still has the best butt on the planet!" Kris Allen protests with a glare at Neil.
"Do not tell me you're talking about butts to a reporter from People magazine!" An older woman exclaims in exasperation as we walk into the music room where she is searching for a cd. "Do not tell me that!" Leila Lambert introduces herself and apologizes, "I want it to be known that I raised those two boys better than that and so did Kim Allen. They are on their own!"
Seeing her stack the cds, I apologize for arriving early -- for once the Los Angeles traffic was on my side. Danielle brushes my apology away. "Don't worry. Adam's always ready for his close up, Ms. DeMille."
"I heard that!" Adam calls out.
"Good." Kris touches his husband's arm. "Because what she meant is that you're always beautiful."
"Awww." Danielle Stori smiles at Kris, who is getting a kiss from his husband, while she swats her eye-rolling husband.
"What's worst about all this?" Neil tells me, "Is that they're like this all the time. It's not being put on for your benefit. Yuck."
"Ha." Adam laughs. "Like you don't worship the ground Dani walks on and have since you were about ten years old. She's been your one goal in life since you discovered that girls were more interesting than your action figures."
Neil blushes furiously and everyone breaks into teasing laughter.
It's clear that the dynamics are well-worn and comfortable for everyone. Everyone being the five adults and four children that comprise this unique family unit. Speaking of which, I stop to view a large family photo in the room. Kris identifies each person, clad in remarkable and elaborate costumes. The photo was taken in Venice the previous year on the annual family reunion trip to Venice taken every year on their wedding anniversary. He notes without any discernible bitterness that Geoffrey Brush is his contribution to the grandfather quota for the family and that his biological father is not part of their lives. Proving, he says softly, that family is like love -- you make it.
The music room is a space I expected to see in a home with two professional musicians. But what I did not expect was the focal point of the room -- a large orange glass chandelier. Orange. Did I mention it was large? And orange?
"Bigger is better!" Kris says with a grin, obviously seeing my surprise.
"Kris has... size envy," Adam retorts with a grin of his own. "We had it designed for us in Murano, in Venice. It's Murano glass. Hand-made..." Adam points out, reaching a hand up to flick the danglers dangling from the curves. "Kris likes orange."
"We had it commissioned to celebrate our marriage," Kris explains. He wraps his arms around Adam's waist for a hug and kiss to the base of his neck.
"Is that a mushroom?" I ask, pointing up towards the chandelier.
"Yes." Danielle smiles. "Kris used to have this ugly mushroom chair, which has since been banished... elsewhere. The little glass mushroom is in remembrance of it."
The adults take me through a huge eat-in kitchen and out through expansive glass doors to an amazing patio and pool area, passing by Leila Lambert's compact cottage before we re-enter the center of the house. Once again hearing music and the sound of girlish laughter, I am taken aback when I enter room that truly fulfills a realtor's promise of a home theater in that it actually has its own stage, complete with heavy velvet curtains with gold fringe and its own wardrobe room nearly as large as the seating area. It must be the envy of half of Hollywood and anyone with an ounce of drama in their veins. A quartet of blonde girls of various sizes beckons me in and tries to coax me to join in while the adults watch with a mix of indulgence and caution.
"I'll run the light show!" A tall girl with dark blonde hair and a remarkable resemblance to her mother, Danielle, calls out with a grin. "Because I'm the oldest and the best at it."
"Emmaline!" A chorus of adult voices admonishes her.
"Well, I am the best because I'm the oldest and have way more experience, so it only stands to reason..." Emmaline stops abruptly when the combined stares of no less than four parental units and one grandmother proves too much. She grimaces. "I have way too many parents. I can't get away with anything. It's totally unfair. I think you should write that in your story."
"Oh puh-leeze," a tall girl with strawberry blonde hair admonishes. Aurora, named -- as she tells me quickly with an amused glare in Adam Lambert's direction -- not in honor of Sleeping Beauty, but for the sunrise, sighs loudly. "She gets away with everything because she's the oldest!"
"She doesn't get away with everything," Danielle corrects. "She's older so she has more privileges."
"But I also have more responsibilities!"
"With great power comes great responsibility," Adam and Neil Lambert intone in unison.
Serena giggles. "Spiderman! Emmaline is like Spiderman anyway."
"How so?" I ask.
"I rock climb. When Serrie was little and she watched me do rock climb, it turned out she had bad eyesight and didn't see the lines, so she thought I was like Spiderman." Emmaline explains with a grin in Kris Allen's direction.
Kris winces and closes his eyes. "She's into all sorts of extreme sports. I blame Adam and Neil for that. Totally. And I'll continue blaming them the day she becomes a stuntwoman and dies in some fiery death."
"It'll be okay..." Adam pats Kris on the back.
"Is that your plan? To become a stuntwoman?" I inquire of Emmaline.
"If I want to make my DaKiss lose all his hair, yeah." Emmaline smiles impishly. "Or I could be a storyteller."
"A writer?"
"No. I want to TELL stories," Emmaline explains. "Like how Dakiss goes to schools and teaches them how to express themselves through music? I want to tell stories and teach people how to tell their own stories."
"She's taken classes, gone to conferences -- did you know there are storyteller conferences?" Neil Lambert asks with obvious pride. "Even though she insists upon starting every one of her stories with 'Once upon a time.'"
"It's the only proper way to tell a story!" Emmaline insists.
"And they're off..." Danielle says to me sotto voce. "The two of them can argue that point for an hour."
"But that would be rude," Emmaline says quickly with a teasing grin in Neil Lambert's direction. Kris Allen muffles a chuckle. "This reporter is here to ask us questions. So, ma'am. what are your questions?"
"Do you feel different from other families?"
"No," Emmaline, Serena and Ruthie respond. Aurora, however, shakes her head.
Leila laughs. "Always contrary."
"Sure, we are different." Aurora shrugs and then smiles. "We're different because our parents are all still together and get along. That seems pretty unusual to me. How many kids in our classes can say that?"
"Well, I don't know." Serena shrugs. "Not like I was taking a poll."
"Don't mention poles. It gets the daddies upset!" Ruthie chirps.
The men groan and Danielle and Leila laugh. Aurora sighs deeply in that way that only tween and teenage girls can sigh and explains, "I went to a friend's birthday party last year and the mom had arranged for entertainment."
"In the form of a stripper pole and stripping lessons! For eleven and twelve year olds!" Kris Allen blurts out. "Unfreakingbelievable!"
"They went -- all three of the dads -- to the parents' house and had a..." Emmaline paused and then used air quotes. "'Discussion' with the mother. Having the three of them yelling at you is a bad thing. A very bad thing. Rory hasn't been invited back there again."
"Big loss," Neil mutters.
"Like we'd let her go back there," Kris mutters.
"Emmy's right," Aurora agreed. "Tell your readers that like she said earlier, when you have four parents, you don't get away with a thing. My life is way more strict than anyone else I know."
"But we also get way more presents on our birthdays and Chrismakah!" Ruthie points out.
Serena nods, then turns to the adults and opens her brown eyes wide. "Speaking of Chrismakah, I think Santa should bring us a dog."
"Totally!" Aurora agrees.
The conversation quickly turns to an in-depth discussion of what type of dog would be best, where the dog would sleep and Leila Lambert's insistence on a schedule for walking and most importantly, cleaning up after the dog.
All too soon, the girls remember their goal of trying to enlist me in their latest dramatic production and I realize that they have distracted me from collecting information for my story. Trying to rein this dynamic group back in, I ask if they have any plans for what they'll be giving their family for the holiday. Emmaline quickly offers up her idea to create a video production telling the story of how their family came to be.
"That sounds like a fascinating project," I offer. "How would you start out that story?"
"Yeah, Emmy!" Ruthie claps and climbs onto her mother's lap. "Tell the story to the reporter. Practice on her."
"Do you mind?" Emmaline asks.
"Not at all. In fact, can I use some of your story in mine -- if I credit you?"
"As long as you credit her," Neil Lambert asserts. "I'll be looking at the article copy to make sure you do."
When I nod, Emmaline smiles and waits for everyone to settle down in what is clearly another family ritual before beginning. "C'era una volta..." She stopped and waited.
"Once upon a time!" The family chorused in response, obviously another ritual.
"C'era una volta..." I pause. "Wasn't the title of Adam Lambert's fifth cd?"
"Yes. The one he made after taking time off when we had two babies -- Rory and Serena -- in a row." Danielle smiled. "It was a double album because he had so much music to sing, so many stories to tell himself."
"But it's Emmaline's turn to tell the story," Adam said with a smile as he smiled down at Kris, who was stroking the palm of his hand.
"No. You start," Emmaline bantered back. "Start with how you two met."
"Oooh, that's my favorite," Serena whispers.
"Me too!" Aurora agrees.
"Yes. Tell about the thirty-eight cents! Like over our door," Serena adds, unwittingly explaining at least the coins over the green door.
Adam and Kris look at each other and smile. In unison, they begin, "Once upon a time, a man walked into a coffee shop and..."
And... they truly did live happily ever after.
Thanks for reading my story!