The Perfect Weapon Chapter 6 Part 3 section 1

[camillecarelli]

Chapter 6: Part 3

“So...” Dave said as they laced up their ice skates.

“So…what?” Jack asked when his friend did not continue, looking up from his own laces. He was surprised at how serious Dave looked, then watched as his friend opened his mouth and then closed it. But when Dave said nothing, Jack asked, “So, are you nervous about skating or…But you know how to skate, right?”

“Hold the presses. Jack Bristow asked me a question about feelings?”

“Oh, shut up. I’m not insensitive.”

“No, it’s the opposite, actually.” At Jack’s glare, he laughed, “Okay, I’ll change the subject. I remember you the last time we all did this - the last time you conned us into this, I should say. You’re good at it. Manipulating people and skating.”

“Well, but I manipulate for good reasons. Didn’t we all have fun last time?”
“Yeah, but…”

“But what? You’re just ticked because you’re not as good at skating as you are at …watching movies?”

“Very funny. But you’re really good at skating - how is that, anyway?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember not knowing how to skate,” Jack shrugged, wondering what was going on behind his friend’s eyes since he really did not seem to be paying attention to the conversation.

Suddenly, Dave spoke quickly, without pausing for breath, “We were teasing you last week, but she’s the one, isn’t she? Laura?”

Jack stared at him, then looked away. Biting his lip, he muttered, “I...Yeah, I think so.”

“Think so? Are you insane or just totally out of touch with your feelings?”

“Oh brother, here we go. Doctor Dave is in the office, dispensing advice to those who want it or NOT.” He got up and stepped onto the ice at the indoor rink and shoved off, trying to get away from his friend.

Unfortunately, Dave caught up with him, a little wobbly, but determined. He mumbled, “How did I let you talk us into this skating party? I’m not going to impress any girls lying flat on my back.”

“Oh, I don’t know. There could be someone who likes to play…nurse to your doctor,” Jack said with a sideways glance. They both laughed.

“I don’t have my degree yet, but I don’t need one to see what’s in front of me. A blind man could see what’s in front of me.”

“And that would be, what? Oh, forget it, I didn’t mean to ask.”

“Sure you did, or you wouldn’t have said it. Freud would say...Okay, I’ll stop with that,” he added at the look of derision on Jack’s face. “What’s in front of me, what’s in front of us all, is they way you two look at each other, the way you feel.”

“Why are we having this conversation? Again? Someone tell me,” Jack mumbled, looking around the indoor rink, waiting for the rest of their friends to arrive.

“I have to tell you I’m still shocked that you requested the background check already. Is it done?”

“No, not yet. I feel so guilty, though...” He had, though he had shrugged nonchalantly when the researcher apologized for having to do his work.

When he was released from prison one of the first people he went to find had been that researcher. He had wanted to kill him for his failure.

“But, you, Mr. Cautious, asking for a background check so soon? I thought you’d date for five years and then-“

“C’mon. I’m not that bad.”

“Oh, yes you are. You trust very slowly. At, say, the speed of glacial movement.”

“Ha, ha.”

“And you are the most careful, cautious, anal-compulsive fact checker I’ve ever met and--“

“Here we go again.”

“Okay, I’ll stop.”

“Yeah, right, “ Jack muttered.

“Let me say just one last thing...”

“If it were only ONE thing,” Jack said rolling his eyes.

“Have you told her how you feel yet? You do know that you need to say some things, you can’t just let people infer what you feel, what you need, especially women? Forget it, why do I ask? Of course, you haven’t said anything. You’re too cautious - You’re waiting for that background check, aren’t you! Or maybe, you’re just sh--“

“Do NOT go there. I swear to God!” Jack started to give his friend a shove, then thought better of it and pulled back.

“Thanks for not shoving me half way to Cleveland, Jack.”

“Well, I’d feel guilty using my greater size, height, against a shrimp like you.”

“First of all, I’m hardly a shrimp, just a few inches shorter than you,” Dave protested.

Jack smirked as he said, “Hey, a couple of inches can make all the difference.” They both laughed.

Then Dave also smirked. “Is that so? It’s all in how you use those inches, my friend. I mean what’s the point of extra, um, height if you won’t reach the cans on the top shelf of the kitchen cabinets when your girlfriend asks you to, hmm?”
Startled, Jack stared at him and then burst into laughter. “Cans on the top shelf? I’m gonna have to tell Laura that one.”

“Oh, so you’ll tell her that, but you won’t tell her how you---“

Jack rolled his eyes. “I’ll do so when I’m ready, when it feels right, when…”

“Jack, what do your instincts tell you? Forget the game theory, forget the analysis, what do your instincts tell you?”

Not saying anything, Jack just skated for a moment, pondering the question, asking himself, how do you know when to trust your instincts and when it’s just wishful thinking?

Dave rolled his eyes and said snidely, “Oh, forget it. I know-she’s going to have to be the one to make the first move, to say something first to Mr. Cautious here.”

“Well, luckily she likes to make the first move,” he blurted out, then looked appalled at what he’d said. He could never abide guys who talked in detail about the women in their lives, it showed such a lack of control, lack of discretion.
And then to realize that their homes had been bugged. That their bedroom had certainly been bugged in the beginning when she’d no doubt had to prove the effectiveness of her seduction. He had actually vomited when he realized that the most intimate, loving, vulnerable moments of his life had been…taped, that someone had listened to them, and had probably laughed at his stupidity, his foolishness, at the love he had squandered. He could only hope it had not been Irina laughing. But thinking of the night of the necklace, he did not think she would have been laughing. It’s not amusing when it’s oneself lost in the game, is it?
Dave burst out laughing. “Wow. That’s…Flattering? Unusual? Exciting? Scary?”
“That’s enough,” Jack said firmly, although he said it with a grin.
“And you don’t mind?” Dave asked incredulously.
“Why should I mind? As long as we get to the, um, destination we want, who cares who starts the car? If she likes starting the car, I’ll give her the keys. Hell, I’ll give her a key ring with her name engraved on it.”
“’Who cares who starts the car?’”
“You know what I mean.”
“You’re okay with this?” Dave asked.
“Why not? I feel no need to….dominate, to direct-“
“Liar! You are such a control freak. You want to control everything. But not with Laura? That’s interesting. It’s different, you can let go? You feel…”
“Free. It just feels right. Whatever she does, we do, it feels…right. But, let’s stop talking about this.”
“Let’s see, being with her makes you happy, makes you feel free and you still don’t want to admit how you feel? You know the problem? You know that when you fall, it’s going to be hard. And you’re afraid. You want everything all tidy, you want to control it like one of your game scenarios and here this woman walks into your life and upsets--”

“And that’s where you‘d be wrong. Totally wrong,” Jack snapped, prodded into talking by his own quick temper.

“Oh, am I?” Dave asked, “Really?

“She didn’t upset anything, she completed...” he stopped, swallowed.

At least he had not said what he had thought, that she had completed him. At least that bit of vulnerability had never been expressed aloud. He had some small measure of pride left to him.

Then he had refocused and said only, “Completed what I wanted in life.”

“Oh really? And what would that be?”

“Just a normal life. Wife, children. You know.”

“Okay, so when are you going to tell her how you feel, when are you going to ask her to marry you?”

“I’m not having this discussion. Can’t hear you...”

“Fine, so you had the office start the background check...”

“Yeah, of course. It’s required. And if there’s a problem of some kind, it’s better to know now...”

“Now? It’s already too late. It was too late the first time you played poker together, if you ask me!”

“As I recall, I didn’t!”

Dave sighed and rolled his eyes, “And that day, last week?”

“Which day?”

“The hair revolution day? What was that argument you were having with the boss later on?”

“Oh. That.” Jack looked away.

“Spill.”

“I told him I wasn’t going to take any more of those missions.”

“Those missions…? What do you --- oh! The screw and skedaddle missions. No wonder he was so ticked, you excel-“

“Stop it. I do not excel, anyone could do it, which is what I told him. Even you…” he paused significantly, let his words sink in, watched Dave’s face express total dismay. “Ah, that made you stop smiling, didn’t it?” Jack laughed.

“What?! Me? Don’t tell me you conned him into picking me for batter on deck? No, no, no. I don’t know how---“

“Wow, I guess I really should have written that manual, if I’d known you needed THAT much remedial education.”

“Shut up. You know what I mean, how you…”

“Just look at it as a one night stand, where you are adding something else to the equation. I mean you’re not promising them forever, you’re not pretending anything emotional. At least, I never do. That would be taking the “getting screwed” factor a little far, in my book. But anyway, instead of the usual, ahem, quid pro quo of a one time fling, you are obtaining intel or some item, whatever.”

“And so, what do they get instead of or in addition to just the usual, ahem, quid pro quo, if I might ask?”

“I always wanted to make sure I gave them a really good time, if you know what I mean. Felt like I needed to go beyond the call of duty.” They looked at each other and cracked up. Jack shook his head and added, “Although, most of the time, I think I learned more from them, than I gave.” He dropped his voice to a whisper, “Here’s my quote unquote secret. Ask women what they want. Ask them to tell you. Learned a lot that way. And then when they tell you what they want, do it. That simple.”

“Really? That’s it?” Dave asked eagerly.

Jack shrugged. “Apparently a lot of guys don’t get it….Don’t ask me why, it’s not rocket science. It’s no mystery, you just have to think about it.”

“Don’t tell me you approach sex like it’s game theory. Please tell me…”
“Sure, why not?” He asked, thinking that Laura seemed to like their little game. Smiling in reminiscence, he stated, “Anyway, that’s over, but, hey it was good practice, right?”

“We’ll let Laura be the judge of that,” Dave laughed. Then sobering he said, “But seriously…”

“Seriously, I couldn’t stand the thought of doing that anymore, not now…”

“Not with Laura in your life.”

“No, it would be wrong. Wrong on so many levels. And I don’t even know that I could, I mean I suppose I could, I could separate my body from my mind if I had to, but…”

“It would be… so cold.”

“Yeah, and.“ Jack stopped, bit his lip.

“You already worry about that coldness you feel inside you.”

Jack looked away as he mumbled, “Again, I…”

“You’ve got to tell people, your friends, me, things, Jack. You can’t carry everything around inside you all the time. It’s not healthy.”

“Thank you, Dr. Dave. I still don’t understand why you think you want to do field psy ops, when clearly you just LOVE to analyze people.”

If only Dave had stayed in the office; he’d still be alive. If only he’d just stayed inside, safe, asking that idiotic question, ‘And how did that make you feel?’

Like that fool of a psychologist after he’d had his breakdown, “And how did it make you feel, Agent Bristow, when you found out your wife was a double agent?” ‘Gee, I don’t know, doc. Like someone had taken my internal organs out of my body through that gigantic hole in my heart? Then thrown them onto the ground, stomped on them, run them over with a mulching mower and then when they were done, carefully placed a photograph of my daughter on top and then spat on it? Like that?’ That’s what he’d wanted to say, to scream. Instead, he assumed the mask, and replied, “How did that make me feel? Not good.”

Later he’d found out that Dave had tried to get permission to treat him, but had been refused on the grounds of “being too close to the subject.” Unfortunately, he knew now, that was exactly the reason Dave should have been allowed to talk to him. With anyone else he could easily assume the mask, play the role that fit his Agency profile.

By the time Dave tried to reach him, he had plugged the hole in his heart with ice.

“Ha, ha. You play games, I analyze people. Although I suppose lots of your gamesmanship is analyzing people too. Hey, maybe that’s why we get along so well?”

“Whatever, Dave.”

“So, what happened with the boss, anyway?”

Jack frowned. ”He couldn’t, wouldn’t understand why I thought it was unethical to…”

“Screw for a mission and then come home to the woman you love and-“

“I never said that!”

“What, that you love her?” Dave rolled his eyes. “Okay, I’ll drop it. For the moment. So what happened?”

Jack spat out, “He said that it was not a regular request, that it only arose occasionally, that I could live with it. I told him there are plenty of unattached guys in the office, guys who don’t care. That I wouldn’t do it. He said that I would. I told him unless he was planning on finding a way to make my dick perform on cue by remote control, it wasn’t going to happen.”

Dave cracked up, “Make a dick perform on cue by remote control?”

Jack’s mouth quirked, “Well, it sounded good at the time.”

“You were mad, weren’t you? That’s when you come out with those gems, when you’re mad.”

“You sound like Laura. ‘When you’re mad you don’t stop to censor your words, to plan what you’re going to say, Jack,’ he said in a falsetto.

“She knows you,” Dave said with a smile, then noticed that Jack was paying him no attention, looking over his head. “Laura must have walked in behind me, right?”

“How did you know?” Jack asked absently, looking at his girlfriend.

“That look on your face,” Dave laughed.

“Uh-oh. The meeting with her advisor must not have gone well,” Jack said, seeing her face. “She looks upset.”

“She’ll be better as soon as she sees you,” Dave quipped. “Just watch.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Her face will change when she sees you. Just like yours does when you see her.”

“What?”

“Is that a ‘what’ of incredulity that I noticed something, a ‘what’ of dismay that you show a facial expression, or a ‘what’ -- ‘I’m paying you no attention because when Laura’s in the room nothing else exists?’”

Jack’s head swiveled toward his friend, “WHAAT?”

“Watch, as soon as she sees you, she will relax. She seems tense when you’re not around, then changes completely when you’re there. And you’ll get this huge grin on your face…” Dave shook his head, talking to no one as he watched Jack skate over to the entrance and step onto the staging area.

He waved to her, watched her face relax, just as Dave said. Felt the smile on his face, just as Dave said. Inwardly he shook himself, hating that someone, even his best friend, could analyze him that well. As he reached her, she reached out to him, holding onto his arm with tight fingers.
Bending down, ignoring the cacophony around them, he asked softly, “Are you okay, honey? Your advisor?”

“Yes. I’ll be fine. Now, now that I’m here with you….He just makes me so mad.”

Later he realized that her “advisor” was her case officer. Realized later that on this day, the handler must have told her to move it along, tie him up faster or else...Or else what, he wondered. What had impelled her behavior? Ideology? Competitiveness? Love of the game? Or could it be, had there been feelings, too? Had it all combined in one neat little package for her? And then she had grown tired of opening that package and wanted to move onto a new one? Or had it been…Oh, did it really matter?

“Do you want to go meet with him again, about whatever it was? Do you want me to go with you this time? I will if you want,” he offered unthinkingly, forgetting momentarily in his concern for her, that in his ‘off hours’ he was not supposed to be the frightening man he really was.

“Why -- so you can intimidate him for me? I wish,” she sighed. Then sighed again, “Oh, Jack. You’re so sweet. What would I do without you?”

Later he would think that only Irina Derevko would find intimidation sweet, a part of a courtship ritual. Later he would realize that another woman, who had not known the truth about him, might have found that offer of his perplexing and out of character, would not have known at that point that he could be intimidating. They had both made a mistake in that moment that night, he from his feelings and she from - was it her feelings? Had they both gotten lost that night? Well, this would have only been the first time that night that they had gotten lost together….What a pair… but his mind shied away from that thought.

Then, she had leaned her head against his chest and he rubbed her back. Her voice muffled against his body, she said, “But no, I need to handle this on my own. For now, I just want to relax. Have fun. Forget. Can we do that?” She arched her head back to look up at him.

“Whatever you want.” He leaned down and gave her a light kiss, then pulled back and ran his hand through her hair, then commented, “I already rented your skates. Let’s get them on. Have some fun.”

“Wait a minute,” she said and leaned forward, “Can I have another one? Another kiss?”

“Of course, it’s not like I ration them, do I? And I did just say you could have whatever you want. All you ever have to do is ask,” he smiled, wrapped his arms around her, kissed her. Felt the urgency in her kiss and gentled his mouth. “Laura, shh, it’s okay,” he said as he lifted his lips, kissed her hair.

“I know, you’re right. I don’t know why I let him upset me like that,” she said.

“Here, put on your skates. Let’s burn up some of that energy, that anxiety,” Jack said, pushing her down on a seat with a gentle hand. She began lacing up, her earrings swinging with her body movements. He reached down and flicked the dangling gold earrings with a finger. “You’re wearing the earrings I got you last week on that business trip to Turkey. They look nice. Thanks for wearing them.”

She looked up at him. “I like them too. But you’re not angling for another thank you, are you? I think I showed my, um, gratitude last week!” she said teasing, making them both relive her form of gratitude.

He was glad she was starting to relax and said, “No, I’m not angling for anything. I’m happy with how you said thank you. But, I know,” he said with a smile. “What should we call your advisor? Ass?”

She looked up at him and smiled, beginning to relax. “Oh good. Word tag. Stupid.”

“Dim.”

“Moron.”

“Nimrod.”

“Nimrod? Nimrod? That does NOT count. You have to do the next word,” Laura smiled as she finished lacing her skates.

“Dumb.”

“Belligerent.”

“Turd like.”

“Turd-like? Turd-like!” She stood up on her skates and giggled. He grinned at her, glad to see her happy again. “That’s not a word. You can do better. And you can’t cheat like that!”

“Sure I can, if it gets you to smile again.”

“So, the ends justify the means,” she said triumphantly.

“Not always,” he said slowly, giving her a pointed look as they stepped on the ice and began skating, holding hands.

“Not that again!” She said, rolling her eyes. “Are you still going on about that little foot tap the other night?”

“You cheated,” he accused, but softened the words with a smile.

Laura protested, “It was just a card game!”

“Yeah,” he drawled, “So why did you feel the need to cheat? You say I’m competitive,
but---“

“Alright already! But would it have been okay if it was like that first night, when I inadvertently made a face when I made a mistake and you caught it?” She argued.

“That was different,” he argued back. “Then, that was just an accident on your part, giving your mistake away. And besides, I would have caught the mistake anyway. The other night....” She furrowed her brow in concentration, trying he could see, to understand the difference. He couldn’t resist leaning forward to give her a kiss on the crease between her brows.

She smiled up at him and then shook her head, “What were we talking about, anyway?”

“Your propensity to cheat?”

“I do NOT have a propensity to cheat. I just want to...”

“Win.” He rolled his eyes, smiled.

She looked at him carefully. Began to laugh, “You got me. You were just trying to distract me, weren’t you?”
“Hmm, maybe,” he said squeezing her hand.

“No, I’m right. I know you. You forgave me the minute I apologized.”

“Hmm, maybe. And you do know how to apologize,” he said slyly with a sideways glance.

“Oh, do I?” she asked archly, as they both remembered how she had climbed all over him, apologizing, kissing him everywhere she could reach, as he pretended to be annoyed at her actions, pretended to ignore her, until she made it impossible.

“You bet. You’re the best suck up I’ve ever seen. And I still have the mark on my neck to prove it.”

“What?! Let me see!” She reached for his sweater, but he skated away. She followed him, laughing, “Oh, I don’t need to. You DO NOT!” Catching him, she slapped his arm. Then looking at his face, she laughed. “I’ve never left a mark on you!” No, not a visible mark, anyway. “I see through you, Jack Bristow! You’re just trying to distract me from my day. You’ve totally let go of that foot tap business. I know you. You don’t hold grudges.”

He shook his head, as he turned on his skates, to glide backwards to look her in the face. “Ah, you don’t know me well enough. I am a premier grudge holder. None better. Dave says it’s a flaw in my character. Among many,” he laughed. She should have paid more attention to that self-analysis, he thought with a predatory smile.

“Not too many,” she argued, reaching out to grasp his hands, let him pull her along.

“You have to say that,” he laughed.

Not knowing how true his words were. Although, given how often she had yelled at him, told him he was an idiot... she had never really held back. Had that just been way to make it, their relationship seem more real to him? To he? Or.... had it been real? Had that girl, then the woman who slapped at him, laughed with him, loved with him, had she, could she have been Irina inside? Who knew? How to know? And again, did it matter? Did it matter to him?

Section 2