The Perfect Weapon: Chapter 2013: Part 3
Chapter 2013: Part 3
“Jack...” Irina whispered. She stood alone at the water’s edge, watching the damn seagulls swoop down searching for their prey. No wonder she had always hated them - they were scavengers. Just like she was. “What did I do?” she asked herself once again. How many times had she asked herself that since she had seen the truth earlier in the day? “What did I do?”
“The more important question is what you should do next, isn’t it?” said a soft voice from behind her.
“What?” Irina whirled around, cursing her inattentiveness. She had not heard anyone...Oh. He looked like a damn ghost standing there in the swirling mist of...Or was it just the tears in her eyes? Damn it. “Dave. Why are you always the voice in my head?”
“Because I say the truths your conscience so long repressed is afraid to say?”
“My conscience? Do you actually believe I have one?” Irina snapped, wrapping her arms around herself and turning to stare once again at nothing. How long had she stood here staring at nothing? How long had she spent in her life, staring at nothing? A perfect match for her mind which had nothing, which was incapable of finding its way out of this maze of shame and disbelief. Accept it, Judy had urged her in that quietly firm way of hers. Accept it and face the truth. “Or is what should be my conscience a big black hole that sucks everything good, everything light, into it?”
“Jack?” Judy had asked on the rooftop, looking down to where one of his hands gripped Irina’s elbow and the other gripped Sydney’s. Both women looked as if they were in danger of dropping to their knees. So, it was time to refocus their attention away from their own reaction. “Tell us, please. What do you remember about this time, if anything?” She tapped the photo, watching Irina’s eyes track the movements of her finger. Good, her automatic responses were still working; she had not receded entirely. Excellent.
“I remember...blackness. And that I wanted to stay there. The blackness was a relief. It was safe.” Jack’s mouth twisted. Apparently, he had needed to be safe if he hadn’t fought those restraints. After his interrogation by former friends, he’d always had...issues, with restraints. Speaking of which...Ow! Irina had slid her hand over his as it lay on her arm and was gripping his hand so hard she was going to break it. Again. He opened his mouth to tell her that, remind her of Sydney’s birth and stopped, astonished at his own reaction. He had been going to tease her? In this moment, he had found some humor? For the love of god. He was...okay. He wasn’t dying or really, wishing he were dead at this turn of events. He was...okay. He looked up at Judy and then at Dave, meeting their eyes.
“Why?” Judy asked. She felt a thud in her chest at the relief in Jack’s eyes as he realized that he could survive this unexpected revelation, easily survive. He was well and he knew it. Thank god. She looked up, feeling a stare and met Dave’s eyes, brimming with his own relief and gratitude. She nodded and asked again, “Why? Why did you feel safe in the blackness?” Irina had slid into her own, well, not blackness, but definitely grey safe spot and she needed to hear Jack’s answer.
Jack nodded. Judy’s questions. They were familiar. The pattern was familiar. Ask. Answer. Ask and answer and the rhythm would reveal the truth. Even if it were one he didn’t want to...Ah. “I didn’t have to see. I didn’t have to see the face of my daughter, so...grief-stricken, asking why Mommy couldn’t come home. I didn’t have to look in the mirror and see....” Unconsciously Jack touched the scar on his lip. “The face of the fool I believed myself to be. I didn’t have to hear my voice in my head when I...” Jack looked at Dave. Dave touched Jack’s shoulder and nodded as they both remembered the torrent of tears and anguish one had released and the other had accepted on a rainy night long ago. But today, it was bright and sunny. Jack nodded back and continued. “So I didn’t have to hear their voices-“
“Whose voices?”
“My...wife’s. I could hear her telling me she loved me, that she would be with me forever and a day, but...she wasn’t and...” Jack stopped as he heard the faintest sound escape Irina’s lips. He looked at her, they all looked, but...nothing. She was withdrawn. Seemingly. Jack knew how one could seem lost and yet hear much more than anyone knew and much more than one wanted. “And the interrogators. Asking me over and over and over how I could not have known and...” Jack took a deep breath and looked upward at the sky. Yes, the roof was a good choice. Judy had known that he was well, but scars remained. “But in the blackness I didn’t have to hear them asking me or the sound of...being interrogated by the best in the business. I was a traitor, you know. Hell... “Jack laughed mirthlessly. “I’ve done those interrogations. I know....” He looked back down, focusing on Sydney. “And then in the blackness, from the blackness, when it started to recede, turn to grey, I heard this voice. Asking about you.”
“About me?” Sydney asked in a whisper.
Susan touched Sydney’s shoulder and drew her attention, as per Judy’s plan. “Yes. Thinking about you, being conscious of you, was how your father came back to himself, to consciousness. Dave knew that it would work. That’s why he paid off that nurse to talk about you.”
Dave’s mouth dropped open as he turned from observing Jack and Irina to stare at Judy. “How do you know that?”
“There is no substitute for extensive background research,” Judy said quietly. “True in any game, isn’t it?”
“Absolutely,” Dave agreed. Seeing the shell-shocked look on Irina’s blank face, he nodded at Judy. “Or a good set up.”
“Judy thinks it’s important that you all understand how sick I was...” Jack turned and stared at Dave. “And you - why did you keep that photograph? I thought I’d destroyed them all.”
“To show you someday. When you were better. I knew you’d resist examining the past, feel ashamed about what you perceived of as a weakness-“
“It was a weakness!” Jack protested. Then subsided to ask, “Wasn’t it?”
“No, it wasn’t!” Dave argued. “Or if it was, it is one every human being shares - the fact that everyone has their limits, that everyone can be bested. And we’ve had this conversation before - two decades ago - do you think you were perfect, without weakness?”
“And if it was a weakness, so what?” Judy asked. “None of us are always strong all the time under every circumstance. And your circumstances...how many of us wouldn’t have-“
“Broken?” Jack asked, forcing himself to look at the photo again. Mercifully, his brain had repressed most of the memories from that time. A gift of grace, too.
“Actually, no...” Susan ventured, then stopped abruptly until Judy nodded. “You didn’t break. You...bent.”
“Which is better than breaking, Dad...” Sydney said, her voice shaking with the clamping force of unshed tears on her vocal chords. “If you had broken...you wouldn’t be here and we wouldn’t have had a second chance. And I know, I know what you’re about to say - that if you’d done a better job we wouldn’t have needed a second chance. But here’s what I’ll say. I don’t think yet that you’ve truly forgiven yourself and...you needed to see this picture too. So that you could understand how far you’ve come and to be proud of the fact that...you’re still standing.”
Irina nodded. Well then. She should be quite proud of herself. She was still standing. Doing nothing else, incapable of doing nothing else but standing. Oh yes, and breathing. Occasionally, even, hearing words. But making sense of them? Responding to them? Not yet. Not yet.
Nyet!
It couldn’t be, it just couldn’t....Her eyes flicked down to the photograph, drawn against their will but unable to resist like the tongue returning again and again to a sore in the mouth. But it was true. Jack had been sick. He had been pushed to the edges of his strength and had...gone over the edge. He had been restrained for his own protection? Restrained!
It was...If someone had told her, she would not have believed them. Truth, if someone had told her, if Dave or Arvin had found her in those years and told her, she would have scoffed, thought it was some foolish trick to lure her back. Because Jack would never fall apart, never. But seeing it... When you eliminate the impossible, all that’s left is the improbable, Watson. Sherlock Holmes. Sir Conan Doyle. Stop it, she told herself. Just...stop it. Stop trying to compartmentalize this horror away. Face it. Find a way out or... She looked around frantically. There was no way out except off of that rooftop and this time, she had no equipment with her to stop a free fall.
Free fall...Is that what Jack had felt like before they’d restrained him? He had been unprepared for the truth; she had won the game by completely fooling him, so she’d thought, counting on the fact that he would understand, that he would know which truths were...true. But now...She was unprepared. Taken by surprise. Taken by...the truth. The truth... may set you free, but first it just might kill you. Or make you wish you were dead... She put her hand up to her heart. It was still beating. Amazing. “Is this what you felt like when you learned the truth about me, Jack?” she blurted out suddenly, her voice louder than she’d expected.
“I...How do you feel?” Jack asked automatically. They had waited and finally, she had spoken again.
“As though...I might be dead but no one’s told me,” Irina whispered, looking anywhere but at Jack.
Jack gently tapped Irina's cheek. "You're alive, we're all alive. We have a second chance--" When she did not respond, he slid one hand around her neck and tangled it into her hair, tugging on it, willing her to talk, to scream, to yell, to do something. He brought his other hand up and tilted her face up to his, but she turned her head away.
Irina shook her head over and over. Nothing in her imagination could have prepared her for this moment of truth. Jack had been right when he told her she lacked imagination. Or was the failure one of facing unpleasant realities? She shook her head again, wishing she could think. But nothing was coming to mind. Nothing. She could barely feel Jack's hand on her skin. Not the texture, the slightly-rough skin of his palm. Nor the warmth. Where was the warmth? She reached up and grabbed his hand and looked at it. Why couldn't she feel it-
"Your hand is like ice!" Jack whispered, taking one hand in his and rubbing it. He nodded at Sydney who took her other hand.
Irina's eyes slowly moved up from his hands, along his arm, over his shoulder and rested on his neck. She watched the pulse in his artery beat, slow and steady. Alive, he was alive. He could have been dead. He could have...She understood Judy's comments now about Jack's strength -- he could have tried to commit suicide. But he didn't. He was alive. But he could have died in some field mission or crossing the street and...She had kept away for what reason? Pride? Hating to admit she'd made a mistake? Fearing to apologize? Fearing to fail? She'd kept her pride, but at what cost? "Pride doesn't keep you warm..." she whispered finally.
Jack tilted his head as he looked at her face, so still, so silent in its shuttered facade. "No..." He freed one of his hands and touched the scar on his lip. Sydney pulled his hand down and held on to it, as Jack added, "No, pride doesn't keep you warm, but sometimes it's all that keeps you going."
"Until you can find your way back home again?" Sydney asked, looking pointedly at the circle they made with their bodies. "We're all here. We're together. We're alive. We're willing to forgive each other. We're willing to work on it...." She trailed off as she saw the soft look on her father's face.
"You...You make me so proud..." Jack whispered.
"Really?" Sydney whispered back. "Proud enough to tell me how you got that scar?" She almost laughed as she saw the instanteous change from a soft look to a hard glare.
Jack said nothing. Judy would probably say something if he waited long enough. She was always willing to boss him around, give him hints, and -- Yes!
"Jack, isn't pride -- too much pride -- a deadly sin?" Judy asked, looking from him to Irina and then back again? "And perhaps your wife needs to hear it?"
Jack's mouth twisted. "I just love your doubleplays, Dr. Barnet." He rolled his eyes and turned to Sydney. He looked at her. She should hear this, learn from it. Maybe. Or maybe, after all this time, he needed to say it. He made the decision swiftly, took a little breath, and said in a quick rush, "The night before I had my breakdown, I drank too much, went to the toilet in case I should vomit - since I was a neat drunk, you see -- and almost knocked the bottle of liquor off of the back of the toilet. Reaching for it, I fell and..." He took a little breath and said in a rush, "Fell and hit my face on the edge of the toilet seat." He stopped speaking. They all fell silent and the only sounds were the hot wind, the faint roar of traffic below, and a seagull squacking as it searched for food.
Irina looked away from the bird and blurted out suddenly, "You never drank to excess. You --"
"I did then. Often," Jack admitted. "But never like I did that night."
"What else happened that night?" Judy prompted. "Tell us, please."
"I.." Jack threw up his hand.
"Just do it," Dave urged.
"Oh, why the hell not? Just get it over with?" Jack asked to no one but himself.
"Why the hell not?" Judy asked. "Isn't the anticipation often worse than the event?"
"If you can actually anticipate it..." Irina whispered, staring at the photo.
"It's going to be okay," Jack reassured her. "Look...That was then. Look at me. Now. I survived."
"Yes. Didn’t you tell me once that survival itself can be the greatest triumph?" Dave prompted, looking at Irina. She could and would survive this too, but some moments just had to be lived through to learn from them.
Jack turned to stare at Dave and smiled slowly. "Yes, I did. So...Yes, this scar is a souvenir of the darkest night of my soul. What precipitated the descent was my decision to go to Laura's empty grave and finally bury something in it."
"Your wedding ring," Irina said immediately. She looked down at the ring he'd so lovingly designed for her and wondered how he could bear to wear one again. Is that why he'd asked if she wanted him to wear one? Had he been hoping he didn't have to wear a ring again?
"It took you that long...Wait, that's right. You were still wearing it," Sydney remembered.
"Yes. I...For a long time I couldn't really believe she was dead -- habeus corpus, you know. And then I couldn't believe that my Laura was this other woman...And...maybe I wanted to punish myself for my stupidity by wearing that constant reminder of it, of the transformation of a symbol of love into..." Jack trailed off as he realized that Irina was twisting her diamond ring around her finger. He grabbed her hand, curled it into a fist to hold and press the diamonds into her palm. "For the love of god, if you take that ring off, I will kill you."
Irina looked up startled. He would kill her? He must truly love her. She felt a deep breath, the first in so long, enter her lungs.
“I can’t believe you still love me after what I did...I didn’t know. I didn’t even imagine...” Irina whispered. But lack of imagination is no excuse.”
“Honey-“ Jack began, reaching for her. Damn, he hated, hated seeing her like this, frightened and fragile. But...she could be. Just as he could be. They both had to face that reality about each other.
“I just...No. Not just. I thought...” Irina stopped again, unable to tear her eyes away from the photograph. “No. Let’s be honest. I didn’t think, not honestly, about the ramifications of my behavior. I chose not to think. Because that was what was easiest for me. I was...a child. Knocking down blocks and expecting someone else to pick them up. As if all that mattered was my gratification in the moment. And here’s the irony--” Irina shook her head. “I thought I’d enjoy the game and I did, but...always, hiding, back there, in the pages of my memory book was the bitter truth. The game was bitter, every win was bitter, really, because.. I hadn’t won. I flushed away forever. I did it. My choice. No gun to my head. I flushed it away. And...I lost and so did you...So did you...”
“Irina. If you had known-“
“I...I don’t know if I would have believed it, even if I’d seen it then. I might have thought it was a lie to trap me...Trap me as Judy did right now. God, what a fool. I totally lost that game. Judy won because I refused to see the truth. That kind of foolishness in the game might kill..." She fell silent for a long moment, then shook her head, forcing herself to go on. "If I had known about that...I might have told myself it couldn’t be true. I might have...”
“But if you’d known it was the truth?” Dave asked. He colored as he realized he had spoken out of turn and looked at Judy apologetically. She smiled and nodded. Whew. Dodged a bullet.
“No wonder....” Irina plowed on, looking at Dave this time while ignoring his question. Apparently her heart was still beating since she was able to talk, but it would not have surprised her if she had fallen over dead. Dead... “No wonder you wanted to kill me. No wonder you called me a bitch,” she said to Dave.
“Yes, I did. I wanted to strangle you slowly,” Dave said quietly. “Jack was hurting and...”
“Da. Of course. He was...your brother of the heart. If someone hurt him, you would want to hurt that someone back. And if his heart was broken, then yours was too. If his spirit was broken, then...you would prop it up and try and fix it. That is the way you love, Dave. Your...” Irina took a deep breath. “Your love never failed. Mine did.”
“I am hardly perfect, Irina,” Dave said quickly. “My love may not have failed, but my judgment certainly has on occasion-“
“My failure is far worse-“
“If I might interrupt the self-flagellation session for a second,” Judy said crisply. “As fascinating as this blame game is, if I might turn your attention back to this...” She pointed to the photograph. “Why don’t you ask Jack, Irina, what he wants? We already know how well that technique works, don’t we?”
Irina almost smiled at Judy’s snotty tone. Then, she realized what Judy had done - so skillfully taken her out of her own self-absorption and back to the point. Her loved ones. “What do you want from me, Jack? What can I do, what can I ever do?” she whispered, finally daring herself to look at him fully. She stared into his eyes that were so soft and warm as they looked down at her that the sight merely deepened her guilt. She looked away once again.
“What do I want? What can you do?” Jack looked at the photograph Judy still held. He understood her point. He should not ignore the pain of that period. He had to accept it and the fact that Irina had been the initial cause of it all. And then move on. He looked back down at Irina’s tight face. He touched her cheek again, brushing his thumb along her cheekbone. “I want...I want you to understand what you did, to apologize for it, promise with all your heart and all your intentions to never hurt me or Sydney again like that and...then...”
“And then?” Sydney prompted.
Jack pinched Irina’s chin. Hard. “Just don’t do it again, Irina Bristow. Don’t break our hearts and make me chase you down to kill you. Make me chase after you to love you.” Jack stopped and thought. “That’s it. What more can I ask?”
“That’s it?” Irina yelled. He didn’t want... Who the hell knew? In Panama he certainly had wanted and taken a hell of a lot more and that hadn’t been in recompense for this horror in the photograph. Or maybe it had. But then again... Damn it, she couldn’t think her way out of this mess. So...should she feel her way out? But right now, all she felt was pain. “Are you- I don’t deserve-“ She began to turn away.
“Yes, you do.” Jack reached out, grabbed Irina’s arm, and whirled her around so fast she had to brace herself on his chest.
“No, I don’t!” Irina slapped and pushed at his chest, trying to free herself. When Jack held on too tightly for her to flee without hurting him, she reminded him, “You said, you told Vaughn, that none of us deserve forgiveness-“
“Yes, yes...” Jack gritted his teeth. “Yes. And I also told him this truth, which I consider equally, no, more important. That forgiveness is a gift we don’t deserve. It’s a gift of grace. It’s... why....grace is why we’re here, all of us. Why we’re together after everything that’s gone before. Grace is why Sydney can still love me and Dave is alive and why I can love anyone... why we even have love at all.”
"Oh!" Irina whispered. That was...her Jack talking. The man she had fallen in love with, with whom she had fallen in love. He was still there, the sweetness and...She touched his face.
As Jack and Irina stared at each other silently although the tension between them spoke loudly, Sydney turned to Susan. She whispered, “Grace...I’ve always thought that was a beautiful name and now... perhaps my first daughter. To always remind me...”
Judy nodded. “I’ve always liked that name too. I once thought...” She pressed her lips together and ignored Dave’s too-perceptive gaze. Well, maybe someday she’d find a little girl who would like her Barbie collection. Or...perhaps she should take them out and display them right now. What was the point of keeping them locked away in boxes? She mused as she watched Irina struggle to find her way out of the corner into which she’d backed herself.
Dave looked down at the water swirling before them. “Do you have a conscience? I believe that - and this is the most important thing - that you now have a conscience. Or else you would not have been so devastated earlier today. You can’t feel guilt and shame without a conscience.”
“Would you care to explain to me why having a conscience is a good thing? It’s really more convenient and far less painful to act as if you don’t.” Irina sighed.
“Yeah, if you want to end up alone. Which sounds hellacious to me.” Dave looked down at his knee. “You know, I wondered, from time to time - having the time as I did - what hell would be like. It’s pictured in many movies. And I think the closest I’ve seen to what hell might be was from - and don’t laugh - one of the Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure movies. I don’t remember which one, but there’s-“
“I remember.” Irina stopped at Dave’s look of surprise. “I was responsible for teenagers, if you’ll recall. Actually, Sark liked those movies. And I do know the scene you’re referring to. Hell is individualized for your own personal torment as you endlessly relive the worst moment of your life. And Jack paid a visit to his hell today, while I created the moment myself. Hell. Speaking silently. In black and white.”
Jack shook Irina’s arm lightly. “Are you in there? Say something other than 'Oh!' C'mon. I just talked about my feelings!”
Susan bit her lip, while Sydney covered her mouth with her hand. The sulkiness to her father’s voice had been priceless. Had she ever heard that tone before from him? Well, perhaps not for twenty years. “Dad, I never knew...” Sydney whispered, when Irina once again remained silent. “Any of this. The truth or how you feel--”
Jack kept his hand on Irina’s arm and faced his daughter. “Quite honestly, I wish you never had learned any of this truth-“
“But, Dad. It helps me understand. It helps me-“
“I thought you’d already forgiven me.”
“I have. But...” Sydney searched for an explanation that would help her father understand and allow him to salvage some pride. That photograph had told her everything she needed to know about her father’s desire to always maintain his dignity. And so much more. “When I saw that picture, everything clicked for me. It all made sense. Why you became different. I see that -“ She pointed at her father curled up, bound in restraints and forced herself to examine it closely. Seeing that image had changed her perceptions of her father, had...changed her, she thought.
In that moment of shock, Sydney had felt the walls between her past and future with her father fall in the face of the sledgehammer of reality. Her father was a man, a human being, who suffered and tried and fell and needed someone to hold him up, on occasion. Just like her. “I see you and I understand. You changed. You had to change. You could not live through an experience like the one you did without changing. Just to survive. I see that. I see that now. That picture...” She touched her stomach. “It packs a punch. Right through, as Mom said, any illusions I had.”
“I...see.” Jack stared down at the photo. Perhaps it wasn’t so horrible if Sydney had gained some wisdom from it. “But, I still wish-“
Sydney wagged her finger at her father. Ha. She got to tell him something this time. Life was good. “Wait. Aren’t you the one who’s always telling us that there is no substitute for extensive background research?”
Jack stilled and then nodded. He looked down as Irina pulled on his hand. “What?”
“I need some time to myself,” Irina whispered.
“I...see,” Jack said quietly, although he did not. What the hell could being alone do for her now? Shouldn’t they be arguing? Yelling? Throwing things? Torturing each other? After all, that had worked in Panama and --
Seeing the confusion in Jack’s eyes, Irina shook her head. She would bet he wanted to fight, but she was not a worthy opponent just yet. Finally, he wanted to fight again and she just...could not. Not yet. Not about this. Maybe not ever. But if he wanted to.... She was confused now, she realized. Focus back on him, she told herself. “No, I don’t think you do see. It...I need to process this by myself, decide how to make amends...”
“You don’t owe me anything-“
“Liar. Aren’t you the one always talking about what we owe the people we love-“
“I’m growing quite tired of my words being thrown back at me today,” Jack sighed. “But I don’t want you to feel obligated-“
Irina shook her head. “I’m not - after all, nothing I can ever do can give you back what you lost.”
Judy ignored Dave’s warning glance as the couple continued to play their own version of the blame game. Yes, she knew quite well that the Bristows were circling the same argument without resolution. She returned to an earlier point she knew Irina had deliberately avoided. “Let me ask you this. If you could have seen into the future and knew what would happen to Jack, would you have still made those choices?”
Irina shook her head. “I’d like to think the answer is no. But the truth is, I’m not sure I would believe what I was seeing. My...illusions were so deeply-rooted that it would have taken a bomb to dislodge them. Which...” She sighed. “Which is what Jack did in Panama, with Human Battleship. You softened up the territory, as they say in the military.”
“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, Irina,” Judy disagreed. “You were the one who so quickly figured out that Dave was dead. Because it came as a shock, right? The shock-“
“Softened up the territory?” Irina nodded. “Perhaps. Perhaps the shock of seeing this might have woken me up. Or perhaps not.”
“Why not go with the positive conjecture about your potential reaction?” Susan asked. “Why not give yourself the benefit of the doubt?”
“Because.” Irina pointed at the photograph. “I gave myself all sorts of benefits of the doubt about my intentions before. I need to be aware of the truth of my behavior and intentions and their consequences.”
Judy nodded. “Exactly. That’s why I showed you this photo. So that you would not take lightly the game plan you all have devised. So that you would go into it with the full knowledge of the results last time.”
“Truth and consequences, Jack said in Panama...” Irina stared at Judy and nodded slowly herself. She needed to amend her own game plan. She should...Find a way to reassure Jack... Yes. But how....She shook her head again. Her brain felt empty. As empty as the deep well of confidence upon which she normally relied. She felt... “Shaken, not stirred...”
“James Bond?” Dave said softly. “His martini?” he prompted, when she said nothing more.
“My soul. How...funny. I hadn’t know I possessed one until it began to hurt.” Irina pressed a hand to her stomach and winced.
Irina wrapped her arms around herself and looked over at Dave. “I...Dave...I...”
“What is it?” Dave asked gently. Her voice had been nearly inaudible over the sound of the waves coming into shore.
“I’m not naturally expressive about my feelings, all of my feelings. And if you don’t articulate your feelings, you can’t understand them. Judy helped me see those truths...” Irina began. Logic -- with which she was most comfortable -- was based on language. Yes, she understood that now.
“Did she?” Dave nodded. Of course she wasn’t expressive nor used honest language even with herself. There had been no one interested in her feelings before Jack. In fact, any expression of emotion not directed toward winning the game had probably been punished. Another reason for her competitiveness.
“Yes. And she also helped me to see that sometimes it truly does help to talk issues over with people you trust. The way you and Jack...”
“He tried, but didn’t always succeed at discussing issues with you-“
“I know. I see now that he was afraid. He wasn’t afraid of losing you, but he was afraid of losing me. Whether it was instinctual fear that I’d hurt him or his trust issues...”
“You should be talking to him about this, not me,” Dave protested.
Irina shook her head and kicked at the sand. “I’m practicing on you. He wanted to protect me. Which I think he sees now is unnecessary.”
“I think so too. Mostly. But old patterns are hard to break,” he warned.
“I also see now that...” Irina looked out at the ocean. “When I made life decisions before, it was always on my own and...clearly, I do not excel at that. I do not get an A grade in that department. In fact, if there were a grade lower than F, I would deserve that.”
“No one, least of all Jack or Sydney, expects you to be perfect.”
“But they should be able to expect me to include them in the decision-making process that affects them so deeply.”
“Yes.” Dave sighed in relief.
“Good. Then I want to talk to you-“
“I think you should call Judy-“
“But, you’re here-“ Irina protested. “And I know you and you know us better than anyone-“
“Yes. But I’m trying to abide by the lessons I’ve learned. I will not meddle. I will not meddle.”
“Ha!” Irina said automatically. What lessons had she learned? She’d done the very opposite of meddling. She’d ignored her loved ones. And look what had happened. Maybe she should be meddling. She’d done that with Sydney and Vaughn. It had not been horrible; in fact, it had been gratifying to be involved. Hmm.
“Okay, at least when it’s not absolutely necessary...” Dave amended with a wry smile. “And it’s not. Call Judy. She’s your therapist. She’d love to hear from you. To help you. That’s what she does. That’s who she is. And...I don’t want her mad at me again about interfering with her therapeutic techniques if I can help it. That would be pushing my luck.”
Irina raised her eyebrows. “Negative reinforcement?”
“It works.”
“It worked on Jack, didn’t it? He learned that it hurt to love, so...he didn’t anymore.” Irina asked and answered her own question. She turned to face the ocean and stepped back in a rush as the water cascaded over her feet. She hadn’t seen that wave coming. “I wish I had never....”
TBC at Chapter 2013: Part 4