(no subject)
HERE WE GO. First counselor round! AS ALWAYS, we ask for your patience during these rounds because we get swamped with apps! We're trying to post them as quickly as possible. Also, because these are counselor rounds, there tends to be a high interest in voting, which means it goes a lot faster. Seriously, the first counselor round closed within an hour last time. Vote when you can!
eta: ANY CRAZY FORMATTING ERRORS YOU MAY HAVE SEEN WERE ENTIRELY MY FAULT. o/ Sorry dudes, it should be all fixed now.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. ... wtg 50+ in 30 minutes. y-you guys. CLOSED.
Character: Derek Zoolander
Series: Zoolander
Character Age: Practically a dinosaur... so 29, more or less.
Job: Instructor at Derek Zoolander's Camp For Underprivileged Children And Also Adults Who Are Underprivileged Too (Don't Worry, You're All Special)
Canon: Welcome to the real world of male models. The one they don't show you in magazines or the E channel. In this world, super-male-model Derek Zoolander is the current and reigning king, three time winner of the VH1 Male Model of the Year award, and almost too ridiculously good-looking to handle. That is... until fresh, new rival male model Hansel arrives on the scene, and Derek gets brainwashed by a cult of famous fashion designers into becoming an unwitting pawn in a plot to assassinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia.
It would be accurate to say the Derek Zoolander is a little... simple-minded. But it would be even more accurate to say that he's a raging moron--after all, this is a man who thinks to yuugooglize is to speak at funerals, and is under the impression that being bulimic means that you can read minds. For the most part, Derek comes across as a pathetic ten year old in a grown's man chiseled body. Sure, his wide repetoire of "looks" that he's known for are all exactly the same face, and he tends to get lost in his own sentences, but in an industry where fame is fleeting and you're not expected to know what 2 + 2 equals, no one seems to notice. Still, for all of Derek's idiocy and general ignorance, he means well; he's got a heart made of gold, or at the very least, gold plated. ...Maybe silver-plated. Bronze? Whatever, he knows Paris Hilton, and that's more than any of you can say.
Sample Post:
Hi, kids. This is international male model Derek Zoolander, and I'm here to talk to you today about some really important issues affecting our world and you. Sometimes, people are poor, and that's bad because then they don't have the money to buy cool cars and get career-saving botox. But here at Derek Zoolander's Camp for Underprivileged Children and Eck Setra, we're here to help. It's tough out there in the real world for everyone, not just children of underprivilege. Sure, some of us may be perfectly sculpted so that we resemble that naked statue except usually with pants on, but that doesn't mean that our lives are as perfect as our gorgeous features. Just because Donatella Versace once put a saddle on my back and made a 300 lb woman ride me like a pony for her Fall 2001 campaign, doesn't mean I don't have problems, too. But I know that together, we can help each other get over our issues. You should also remember that there is always someone with bigger problems than you. Okay, you may not have the money to buy clothes or eat food, but I'm not an ambi-turner. And at the end of the day, being skinny and in your underwear is more fashionable than not being able to turn left. We're all in the same boat, and in some ways, you're all more privileged than I am.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Ever since I got that phone call telling me about the opening of this institution in my name, I've thought to myself, "Hey, here's my opportunity to be ridiculously good looking on the inside as well as the outside." I know what you're thinking, how can someone be ridiculously good looking on the inside? Insides are full of spooky red things like livers and intestines and skeletons, and this isn't exactly Halloween. But what I just did there is called a metaphor. When I say "insides" I mean "personality" and stuff, like inside my soul. And despite what popular culture and television shows like Beverly Hills 90210 may tell you, personality is super important. And also thirty year olds don't usually attend highschool.
Not that I mean to discriminate against old people. As a counselor, I'm here to help everyone, big and small. Smart and dumb. Attractive and less attractive. And as your new big bro Derek, I'll always be around with a shoulder to cry on, a gorgeous face to stare at, and a knee to sit on, although someone told me that to avoid legal issues, no one under the age of 16 should do that last one. But that's fine, because I'm not Santa Claus. At the end of the day, we're all here for each other. I just get paid for it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a post-monologue party to attend.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Hansel
Series: Zoolander
Age: Younger and Fresher than Zoolander
Job: Model Role Model
Canon: In the world of high fashion, you have the models, the super models, and then you have MALE models. These perfectly sculpted bodies decked out in the latest duds are the envy of every man and woman, and they know it. Enter Derek Zoolander, once at the top of the male super model world, now in a career downward spiral since being upstaged by a younger, hotter model: Hansel. While trying to determine his life's purpose, Zoolander inadvertently ends up brainwashed into acting as a pawn in an elaborate scheme by renowned fashion designers to continue exploiting child labor.
Every good model needs a rival, and the movie provides us with Hansel. He's young, fresh and just as ridiculously good-looking as Zoolander, if not more. Hansel is a modern-day hippie who enjoys partaking in mind-altering drugs and the act of free loving. He has an adventurous streak, often going to exotic places and participating in extreme sports. Unfortunately, he's not the sharpest crayon in the box, but that doesn't stop him from being skilled in other ways. From yo-yo battles to break-dance fighting and even magically pulling his underwear out from inside his pants, Hansel has varied repertoire of abilities that he excels in. Despite being a top model, Hansel is approachable, easy-going and very zen about life, love and the universe. And if you're friends, he's definitely got your back.
Sample Entry:
So when that mountain sherpa dude gave me those leaves and told me that burning them would be the trippiest mind trip I'd have, I really doubted it. But you know what, he was totally right, yo. It started with me flying over this grungy looking swamp with birds flapping all around me and talking inside my head, right? And then they're telling me that I should meet their master, who would grant me sugary coated cereal to my hearts content, so why not? I love Fruit Loops, man. Anyway, something happened and I ended up in this mystical forest filled with purple monkeys. And while I wanted to stay longer and bond with these wonderful gentle creatures, some bird told me I really should go. Apparently it was mating season, if you know what I mean. If you know what I mean. Seriously, you have got to be hitting some extreme stuff to be hallucinating these things. I need to get more of that stuff off that dude.
Here's the thing though. I'm way smoked out and I'm still here and now it looks like there's this weird crowd of homeless swamp dudes coming out to say hola. Seeing that, and just soaking up the aura of this place, I realized... I was sent here for a reason. Because why else would some godly dude decide to send me here unless it was for something really, really important? I may not know what I'm doing and why I'm here, but I'm going to give it my 100 percent. Because that's what Hansel does. And Hansel is always true to his word. And if I'm here, what other reason would there be but modeling?
Now come closer, crazy homeless amigos. I know a lot of you may think that modeling is an easy job, but you're wrong! It's really hard! It's not just about standing there and looking really good while people take photos of you. It's about... well, I know it's more than that, I just can't remember what right now. Now not everyone has what it takes to look incredibly handsome all the time, and since I bet I'm here to talk about my experiences so you guys can learn from them, I'll do you one even better. I'll show you guys how to do it. Now strike a pose!
Remember, you may look at me and think words like 'handsomeness' and 'incredibly chiseled features' and 'abs of a God', but I was just like you before. Well, I wasn't as ugly and smelly and gross looking, but I mean it symbolically. You know, like how you say things to cheer people up but you don't really mean it? Yeah, like that. What was I saying? Right, you just have to make it work. Lurch like your life depends on it! Demand those brains! Now strut on that runway! And by runway I mean that pier by the lake. It suits you... old and really crummy looking.
... okay, first thing we need to do is learn how to STOP at the end of the runway, geez. Don't jump into that lake, it's probably really bad for your... already bad complexion. Now fish yourself out while I go and... collect my zen.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hara Akiha
Series: Hanazakari No Kimitachi E (Hana-Kimi)
Character Age: 25
Job: Photography Instructor
Canon: Ahh, those sweet teenager years! The time in our lives when we do all kind of silly, retarded things like getting smashed for the first time, skipping school, and enrolling in an overseas all-boys school just to be closer to our one true love. ... Or maybe that's just Ashiya Mizuki, an adorable girl who travelled all the way from America to Japan and entered Osaka High School in the guise of a boy in order to meet Sano Izumi: high jump star and her very own personal idol. Of course, things aren't that easy for Mizuki -- especially when you take into account that she's terrible at pretending to be a boy and soon more than a few people end up learning about her secret.
One of these people is Hara Akiha, a world-class photographer who asks Mizuki and her friends to model for him. Cheerful, easy-going, a little bit childish and hopelessly addicted to sweets, Akiha is a professional man who takes his work very seriously. He believes it takes more than just a good camera to produce good photographs and has the talent to back that up. Sharp as needle, and sometimes overly blunt, Akiha is a man who doesn't let people inside his heart very easily. However, those few who've managed to gain his affection know well that he's a warm, loving person. What? Didn't you know stalking and slight non-conning your special person is just another way to show how much love them?
Sample Post:
Hello, hello, everyone~ How are you today? ♥ My name is Akiha and I'm here to teach you all about the secrets of photography. It's not every day that you get to stay at a zombie camp, so I'll show you how to get some great shots while successfully avoiding the badtouch vines at the same time! You might think that this is a waste of time, but this is an age where people love to go crazy with Photoshop layers and filters. Good, real photographs are a rare and marvelous thing. So, is everyone ready?
First of all, you need to understand that being knowledgeable about technique or having an expensive camera don't necessarily mean you'll be able to take good photographs. There have to be "signals" between the photographer and the model. This is the way a connection is made and the feelings will show in the final product. For example, the way the tentacle monster is seductively waving at us right now? That's a clear "signal" and we should make the best out of it, just try not to get too close to the-- a-ah! Oh boy. Looks like that "signal" was a little more intimate than expected, hahaha...
A-Anyway! Another detail to be kept in mind is originality. Think about it. How many drooling, staggering undead people have we all seen in horror movies before? Be alert and intuitive when choosing your subjects. That lady over there may appear the same as the others, but if you look closely you'll be able to notice how there's a certain charm in the way she sheds her skin. The way her eyes light up when she moans, and how she actually bothers to stop and pick up her body parts after they fall off. Proof that even in a place like this, it's not hard to find fresh new things to photograph!
One more tip that I'm sure will come in handy for many of you. The best way to get a picture of that special person in your life is to take them when they least expect it! Be it a candid shot as they talk to a moogle, or the moment when they realize they're being victims of their very first camp virus. You have to always know what they're doing and be where they are, so that you don't miss even one of these meaningful moments. Especially the mistletoe in December! One day, if you're lucky, they may thank you for it.
And with that, we conclude our first lesson~! Now, if it isn't too much trouble, would someone mind pointing me in the direction of the Mess Hall? I was promised lots of sweet baked goods when they hired me, so I can hardly wait to try the--
. . .
--w-wait, what do you mean the cake is a lie?!
Poll Vote!
Character: Arthur Dent
Series: Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy (in five parts).
Age: ~30.
Job: Camp Sandwich Maker.
Canon: With an evolution to rival homo sapiens, the absurdist sci-fi HHGTTG has gone from radio play, to a television show, to a series of five (and-a-bit) novels, to a movie, and then somehow back to a radio play again. Nevertheless, the essential story remains the same. This is the tale of Arthur Dent getting dragged around the universe by his friends, sometimes accidentally saving it in the process. After Earth is blown to pieces to make way for a hyperspace bypass which is never built, Arthur manages to escape on an alien spaceship via some deus ex machina Star Trek would be proud of. He spends the rest of his life being blown up, shot at, insulted, disintegrated, reintegrated, deprived of tea and creating space-time paradoxes; his way of coping with this is generally to ask "What?" a lot.
Arthur is just your typical British stereotype to begin with. His hobbies are drinking tea; embarrassing himself in front of pretty girls; and getting indignant over articles in the newspaper. Over time, these expand to include travelling throughout space, time and alternate realities; accidentally flying; embarrassing himself in front of pretty aliens; and getting indignant over articles in the tiny electronic encyclopaedia, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which gives advice for travelling the universe and has 'Don't Panic' printed on the cover. Despite the culture shock of visiting dozens of different planets, including prehistoric Earth, Arthur remains stubborn, anxious, cowardly, easily confused, frequently sarcastic and occasionally heroic (surprising himself, his friends, and sometimes even the readers.)
Sample Entry:
Don't panic? Don't bloody panic!? You wouldn't believe the day I've had. I woke up in a swamp! Well, actually, once I woke up in a swamp every day for ten years, at least this time there are people to talk to. Back then I only had trees, and these shrubs look like their jokes would be absolute pants. Not to mention, trees don't, as a rule, talk back - when they do, believe me, that's a good time to start worrying.
Supposedly I've received a letter. I mean to say, did they send it before or after my bloody planet blew up? I ask merely for information. Excuse me? You're one to talk about falling apart! It's not just me, either, you should see what it says in the Guide! Look at this- You can't read it? Oh, I see. It's all right, I understand perfectly; I'm 'armless, you see. ...Ahem. ...I said, I'm 'armless. Armless? Harmless? Because you have no eyes? It's sort of a joke, you know, a pun or what have you, get it? Do you- look, I'll just read this, shall I?
"Suspected to have been born of sheer improbability, Camp Fuck U Die is hard to find and even harder to escape from. Those who visit intentionally are quite mad; those in ignorance will soon find themselves sharing the condition. Before travelling, it is advised that hitchhikers make sure all their vaccinations are up-to-date, as the Summer Camp holds strains of virus found nowhere else in the universe - though those desperate for money may find question mark, question mark, question mark profit-" I'm just reading what it says! "-by exposing themselves briefly to the Genderswitching Virus and then exposing themselves lengthily to everyone else. Be especially aware of the tentacled inhabitant of the lake; many have mistaken her for the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Troy, which believes if you can't see it, it can't see you. Unfortunately, Marcy would in fact prefer it if you shut your eyes..."
Oo-er, there's- there's an illustration, it's sort of. Well, have you ever seen one of those handheld pasta-makers churning out spaghetti? Yes? Imagine that in reverse and you'll have a good idea of what... of what I'm seeing here. But the point is, they've given it a zero-star rating and a little symbol which I think means nuclear radiation. Not really the kind of neighbourhood I want to work in. I do like to make sandwiches, I've made more sandwiches than you've got maggots - which I should probably point out aren't exactly sanitary in a kitchen environment - but this kind of place just isn't worth it. It's not even well-stocked, I mean, misc. sandwich meats? Sorry, but I'm not entirely sure what constitutes "misc."-
Er, pardon me, er, sir. I think I've located one of your eyes.
Poll Vote!
Character: Cpt. Malcolm Reynolds
Series: Firefly (series) / Serenity (movie)
Character Age: Early thirties
Job: Part-time Job Coordinator
Canon: Firefly is a series all about being in the middle of things. East meets West, sci-fi spaceships mingle with Western cowboys, and bad guys in mighty fine hats face off against good guys in … attractive floral bonnets. Add in a dash of colorful Chinese curses and a big ol' helping of Joss-style snark, and you've got a recipe for adventure. The focus of the series is one of the aforementioned cowboy spaceships, a Firefly-class vessel named Serenity. It's home to the finest crew of not-quite-criminals that ever wandered the 'Verse. Together, they take what jobs they can get and occasionally end up engagin' in some mighty fine heroics … but mostly, they just keep flyin'.
Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds is the captain of this ship and arguably the central character of the series. A man of principle, the guy is fiercely loyal to his crew and his ideals. Especially when said ideals get him hip-deep in a mess of trouble … though his habit of shooting first and asking questions never sure doesn't help either. But really, it's hard to blame him - when a guy loses everything in a war, including the ability to really appreciate what little he does have left, it's bound to make anyone a mite tetchy. Retarded captain-ness aside, Mal is still a Joss protagonist, which means he deals with stress (and … everything else, really) in the way he knows best: lots of snark. He can even be downright perky if'n the mood's struck him right, and it often does once things start getting dicey. For all his trigger-happy tendencies, he's quite the fast talker, especially when his life's on the line. Just don't let it distract you from the steel underneath.
Fangirl Firefly Chinese: fēng le= "loopy in the head."
Sample Post:
All right, this is officially a predicament.
Can't say I'm completely surprised on that count. Y'get wise after a while, seein' as how I've pulled a lotta jobs that went wrong like a … thing that really goes wrong. That and the zombies. Because I am all manner of certain that there was nothin' about zombies in the job description. Fact of the matter is, it looked sorta normal, considering some fēng le lady setting up camp on a swamp moon was the one 'casting it all over the 'Verse. It even promised some manner of decent pay - which is something I got a terrible fondness for. The 'cast made it sound almost like babysitting, 'cept the babies I'm sitting on are a touch more adultified. The idea woulda been that, since there's all sorts of kids and critters and mighty excitable zombies cooped here, and plenty of stuff that needs to be done, this Director lady wants to start parceling out the odd job or two. T'do that, she needs somebody who's got half a brain and some experience with pullin' a job. And I got the experience down pat.
All an' all, it wasn't looking too bad as far as crazy swamp jobs went … 'til the zombies showed up. I swear they were waitin' patiently for me to get myself a good long impression of this camp just so they could come on down an' mess with it. Which they are doing with all their zombie might. Maybe they didn't take too kindly to me shootin' one or ten of 'em soon as they came calling. Normally I wouldn't have too much to worry about from brain-eaters, 'specially if they got anything resembling refined tastes, but see, these fellas got somethin' else in mind. The jobs, in particular. This has got t'be the first time I seen so many dead folks interested in hairdressin' and facials and head-messaging. There some kinda Miss Zombie contest I should be hearin' about? Course, I ain't got much right to talk. It ain't often I see dead folks seekin' work in general, much less beautifyin' ones. So far as first experiences go, this is turnin' out to be a right memorable one. But I was gonna feel some sympathy. Swamp like this don't get much by way of work, I'm guessin', unless you're in the menacing and slobbering business. But they sure got tetchy once all two of my hairdressin' job offers got filled.
Did I say tetchy? I meant kidnappy. Not by the the dead folks - they started keepin' clear after the first ten bullets or so - but by their monkey buddies. Almost enough to make me feel damsel-in-distressy, 'cept I don't quite got the ankles for it. Takes a special kinda poise to look pretty and get gorilla-handled at the same time. Don't suppose you could let me go on account of that? No? So here I am. Sad and - well, not 'xactly alone, what with all this company. Makes it a mite difficult to get the job done. … you do still want them jobs right? Just 'cause I'm fresh outta hairdressin' don't mean we can't work somethin' out. Take this fella pinnin' my arms behind my back. Good strong hands on him. Ever think of takin' up massage work? I seem to recall readin' a bit about this Marcy lady looking for a good massage guy. Girl. Whichever you are. She's even offerin' a nice bit of lakefront property so you don't have to walk far to work.
Interested? Great. How 'bout you just let go so I can reach on down to the part of my belt that is in no way affiliated with my gun. Paperwork, y'know.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Tanizaki Yukari
Series: Azumanga Daioh
Character Age: Unknown; Probably in her late 20s/early 30s
Job: Camp Tutor
Canon: Azumanga Daioh is a slice of life series that follows the wacky and hilarious antics of a group of high school girls and their teachers. There's never a dull moment with the girls around; whether they're competing in the school sports festival or simply trying to pet kittens without getting a hand bitten off, the gang always makes an adventure out of something.
Yukari is both the English and homeroom teacher to the main cast with an ego big enough to camp on. Tyrannical in her classes and feared for her horrible driving skills, she is hardly a candidate for teacher of the year. Yukari thinks of herself first and foremost and is known to be one of the laziest and most selfish people around. This is a teacher that steals a student's bike to get to work and skips class to pick up the latest and hottest Playstation games. She is quick to anger, enjoys making fun of others, hyper competitive, and rarely does anything that won't benefit herself in some way. Despite this, Yukari still manages to bond with her students (albeit usually through violence) and genuinely enjoys her job.
Sample Post:
Hahaha! If the Director thinks I'm paying $25 a day for parking, she's got another think coming. I salute you Canada and your convenient fee-free wilderness! And just a note, that baby moose was so not okay. Looks like you've got yourself a new mantle, Frenchies! Now now, consider yourself lucky to get a gift from the great Yukari-Sensei! I'll send you the bill later.
Anyway, HELLO CHILDREN. Why would I grace you all with my presence when I could be doing so much more interesting things with my winter vacation, like say, watching leaves fall? Well, it's because I care about all you brats. Really! Even you over there, with the acne problem. Bwahaha, bet you're a hit with the ladies, pizza face! I want you all to succeed and be the very best you can be! Why waste your winter skating or playing mafia or whatever the hell else is popular nowadays? You don't wanna end up as a bum like my good friend Bubba here. Bubba quit studying and now he flips burgers at the local Swamp n' Chomp. How's that working out for you, Bubba? "Brains," eh? Yeah, you wish you had brains back then and didn't drop out of zombie school! TOUGH LUCK. You kids don't wanna grow up like that do you? Of course not! You want to get a decent education so you can become fine upstanding citizens of society!
And more importantly, you want to help me get a winter bonus so I can finally get my hands on one of 'em Playstation3 bundle packs! See? Win win situation, I help you, you help me! It's like charity only without the Salvation Army taking all the goods.
--hey, hey! This is a serious matter here, that bonus has my name written all over it! Why the hell do you think I came all the way here to America? For my health? Haha, like hell! I'm surprised none of you kids ain't shot yet! Why? Oho, I'll educate you brats in more than the ways of the English vocabulary--I'll make this a cultural affair! America's the land of the free, the home of opportunity, and the easiest place to avoid paying for tickets I may or may not have earned back home! They can't prove a thing, damnit.
Completely non-existent criminal records aside, let's get down to business! SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN and we'll start with the basics! Here's an exercise even your brains can handle. Open your textbooks to chapter one!
Fill in the blanks! "See John. See John ****. See John put his **** in the *** "
. . .NEW LESSON PLAN. Let's talk abbreviations. Extra credit to first kid that defines NSFW.
Poll Vote!
Character name: David Xanatos
Series: Disney’s Gargoyles
Age: mid 30s
Job: Director of Acquisitions
Canon: One thousand years ago, superstition and the sword ruled. It was a time of darkness. It was a world of fear. It was the age of Gargoyles.
But that was then, and this is now-modern-day New York City. The island of Manhattan and its surrounding boroughs, whether their inhabitants know it or not, fall largely under the sway of one ambitious man: David Xanatos. A billionaire captain of industry who wields more influence than certain countries, it’s Xanatos who sets the events of the series in motion by transporting a cursed clan of Scottish monsters-and their entire 10th century castle-to the top of his Midtown skyscraper, undoing the curse and unleashing our heroes into the modern world.
Cultured, brilliant, and amoral, Xanatos is the series’ main antagonist, facing off against the Gargoyles with his vast wealth, scientific acumen, and Machiavellian schemes directed toward one thing: getting whatever he wants, whether that’s immortality or a better PR rating. And although he’s usually thwarted, Xanatos is a master of capitalizing on any positive outcome of his gambits, whether that’s a manipulation that will only play out in days to come, or just the experience of losing so as not to make the same mistake next time.
Sample Entry:
The Louisiana backwoods seem an odd place for a business conference, but admittedly I’ve gone further afield than this to seal a deal-try making a rendezvous in Dark Age Northumbria sometime and then talk to me about scheduling difficulties. I’m also not accustomed to putting in personal appearances at the opening stage of discussions about a prospective partnership, even less so when it’s not on my daily, weekly, or monthly agenda and I’ve never heard of any company called CFUD Incorporated Mega-Conglomerates. And that I seem to’ve been teleported here by a secretarial pool consisting of purple simians and the reanimated dead was something of a giveaway that this meeting with your Director might not be entirely on the up-and-up.
But then again, I’ve never let that stand in the way of a profitable venture before. So-let’s see how we can help each other, shall we?
I understand that you’ve all been brought here from various times and places, some slightly more distant or exotic than others. Fortunately for all of us, I have both experience with this sort of thing and the insight to make it work to our mutual benefit. What we know is that there's some apparatus for moving people and material across time and space, and that it works. If my arrangement with your Director goes through, I’ll be your new Director of Acquisitions… And your new best friend.
Now, that’s not to say that this partnership won’t be without its difficulties. As a test I put in a requisition for some apples, and what I got back were a Macintosh 128k and several CDS featuring the musical stylings of Ms. Fiona Apple, but that’s no reason to be discouraged. Once we get those… minor wrinkles… ironed out, we should be able to acquire anything-anything you want, anything you need, from any place or time. And then perhaps we’ll see about getting those birds to stop calling me “Number One.”
Still, it could prove an apt nickname-after all, I should be the first contact on your list if you’re ever in need. As the saying goes, “You can’t always get what you want.”
But I can.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Optimus Prime.
Series: Transformers Animated.
Age: Unknown, assumed to be the Cybertronian equivalent of late twenties.
Job: Camps All-encompassing Repairman.
Canon: Transformers, robots in disguise.Transformers, more than meets the eyes. You know the rest: ever since the eighties the good Autobots have waged their battles against the forces of the evil Decepticons, protecting the right of freedom for all sentient lifeforms and hawking TONS of toys! And throughout all the series the Autobots are lead by their brave and fearless leader, Optimus Prime, guiding his courageous crew into battle with the heinous Megatron. But this time, the formula has been… shaken up a bit.
The courageous crew of trained soldiers? Replaced with a bunch of slightly dysfunctional repairmen. Their glorious leader? A military wash-out who at the start of the show has never even SEEN a Decepticon, much less fought one. When the first episode has you die and resurrect by Deus Ex Machina you know you got a LOT of work ahead of you. Fortunately for planet Earth, Prime is willing and able to go that distance.
For even though there glows a spark inside Optimus's chest as heroic and bold as can be, his lack of experience and confidence in his skills (which however improves as the series go on) make his speeches feel more hollow than heroic. While Prime firmly believes in the Autobot ideals and does his best to make a coherent, functional team of his headstrong band of bots, balancing this with maintaining good relations with a human race who are understandably suspicious of allowing gigantic machines to use their city as a battleground and combating Decepticons who outgun and outmuscle them in every way is a task that often strains his patience-circuits to the breaking point, and as a result he often resorts to letting cold calculations and protocol go before gut-feeling and sheer spirit leading the way.
In the end however, Prime is an upstanding, dedicated and friendly guy who prefers mending to destroying, diplomacy instead of force and just generally getting along with people. When the chips are down you will be glad to have him on your side and taking charge… in the meanwhile, seeing his awkward attempts to balance the weight of the world on his shoulders can provide enough laughs to make his stick-in-the-mud attitude worth it.
Sample Entry:
By the Allspark, the situation's worse than I thought. I heard this state had been hit badly by unknown assailants, but to see it in person… burnt down forests, leveled landmasses, evaporated swamps … You were right to contact us, mr… must be a local dialect, mr Hngaah. If these "Camper-cons" of yours are this powerful it is our duty to help you as Autobots, protectors of all life!... Ah, and "unlife" as well, of course… I suppose. I could have sworn I read that organics in the process of decomposing were incapable of speech and motor-functions…
Well, let's not be distracted from the main issue here: while it is true we have little experience in reforestation, I assure you we have an expert in that field to oversee our operations. Prowl, what would you recommend we start… Prowl? … His signal is gone. Of all the times to- No, mister Hngaah we're ready to start working, we just need to coordinate our workforce before … you already HAVE Autobots? Here?! But command hasn't told us anything about reinforcements… the others are capable of fending for themselves. Can I see these other Autobots first?
… These are your Autobots? Pardon? Spam-o-bots?... Right. Eh, well… Spam-o-bots, I'll need you to form a line and brief me on your abilities. You five… the combining unit "Toucusatsu?" Well, let's see you transform then. We could use the strength of five robots coming together to create a giant… multicolored… toucan-beak. And your special ability is "inspiring poses". I… see. Yes, they're… nice. Very nice so moving on to "Vouyer-illa"? Another animal-themed robot who transforms into… a radar-station. Capable of reading UST-signals from up to five miles away… well, that's... Party-Hardy then! A van-mode huh? Finally someone normal. Outfitted with a … hypnoray that's extra effective on the underdeveloped minds of young organics? I can't honestly see how that would be useful or even moral, and frankly the bear you claim to "merge with" to unleash your true power isn't helping things.
Look, I apologize if I come across as tense now, but is ANYONE here outfitted with equipment that is actually helpful in construction work and repopulation of camp's ecosystem? M.A.R.C.Y? Well, is there any chance I can see unit M.A.R.C.Y for myse- the lake? How can an aquatic unit- Oh. That… was not the repopulation I had in mind. Nor is this team, for that matter… but it can't be helped. I've lost contact with my crew and, having seen the situation with my own eyes… turning back is not an option. Alright Spam-o-bots. Listen up.
The road ahead is not an easy one. There will be hardships ahead as we learn how to communicate with the local inhabitants and reach a peaceful coexistence with them amidst chaos and attacks, and many of them will doubt our commitment as machines to create a peaceful world for organics. But right now none of that matters. What matters is that in front of me, I see a team of robots who has decided they have the power to change this situation, to rebuild and restore this once great natural haven to what it once was. And if you have the will to go through with this, then so do I! I accept your nomination as leader of the Spam-o.bots, and I promise you this: until this situation has been fixed, I will do my best to help you in any way I can! So Spam-o-bots, transform and roll… oh, you already have a motto? Well then… Spam-o-bots, log in and troll on!
This is going to be a long set of stellar-cycles…
Poll Vote!
eta: ANY CRAZY FORMATTING ERRORS YOU MAY HAVE SEEN WERE ENTIRELY MY FAULT. o/ Sorry dudes, it should be all fixed now.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. ... wtg 50+ in 30 minutes. y-you guys. CLOSED.
Character: Derek Zoolander
Series: Zoolander
Character Age: Practically a dinosaur... so 29, more or less.
Job: Instructor at Derek Zoolander's Camp For Underprivileged Children And Also Adults Who Are Underprivileged Too (Don't Worry, You're All Special)
Canon: Welcome to the real world of male models. The one they don't show you in magazines or the E channel. In this world, super-male-model Derek Zoolander is the current and reigning king, three time winner of the VH1 Male Model of the Year award, and almost too ridiculously good-looking to handle. That is... until fresh, new rival male model Hansel arrives on the scene, and Derek gets brainwashed by a cult of famous fashion designers into becoming an unwitting pawn in a plot to assassinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia.
It would be accurate to say the Derek Zoolander is a little... simple-minded. But it would be even more accurate to say that he's a raging moron--after all, this is a man who thinks to yuugooglize is to speak at funerals, and is under the impression that being bulimic means that you can read minds. For the most part, Derek comes across as a pathetic ten year old in a grown's man chiseled body. Sure, his wide repetoire of "looks" that he's known for are all exactly the same face, and he tends to get lost in his own sentences, but in an industry where fame is fleeting and you're not expected to know what 2 + 2 equals, no one seems to notice. Still, for all of Derek's idiocy and general ignorance, he means well; he's got a heart made of gold, or at the very least, gold plated. ...Maybe silver-plated. Bronze? Whatever, he knows Paris Hilton, and that's more than any of you can say.
Sample Post:
Hi, kids. This is international male model Derek Zoolander, and I'm here to talk to you today about some really important issues affecting our world and you. Sometimes, people are poor, and that's bad because then they don't have the money to buy cool cars and get career-saving botox. But here at Derek Zoolander's Camp for Underprivileged Children and Eck Setra, we're here to help. It's tough out there in the real world for everyone, not just children of underprivilege. Sure, some of us may be perfectly sculpted so that we resemble that naked statue except usually with pants on, but that doesn't mean that our lives are as perfect as our gorgeous features. Just because Donatella Versace once put a saddle on my back and made a 300 lb woman ride me like a pony for her Fall 2001 campaign, doesn't mean I don't have problems, too. But I know that together, we can help each other get over our issues. You should also remember that there is always someone with bigger problems than you. Okay, you may not have the money to buy clothes or eat food, but I'm not an ambi-turner. And at the end of the day, being skinny and in your underwear is more fashionable than not being able to turn left. We're all in the same boat, and in some ways, you're all more privileged than I am.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Ever since I got that phone call telling me about the opening of this institution in my name, I've thought to myself, "Hey, here's my opportunity to be ridiculously good looking on the inside as well as the outside." I know what you're thinking, how can someone be ridiculously good looking on the inside? Insides are full of spooky red things like livers and intestines and skeletons, and this isn't exactly Halloween. But what I just did there is called a metaphor. When I say "insides" I mean "personality" and stuff, like inside my soul. And despite what popular culture and television shows like Beverly Hills 90210 may tell you, personality is super important. And also thirty year olds don't usually attend highschool.
Not that I mean to discriminate against old people. As a counselor, I'm here to help everyone, big and small. Smart and dumb. Attractive and less attractive. And as your new big bro Derek, I'll always be around with a shoulder to cry on, a gorgeous face to stare at, and a knee to sit on, although someone told me that to avoid legal issues, no one under the age of 16 should do that last one. But that's fine, because I'm not Santa Claus. At the end of the day, we're all here for each other. I just get paid for it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a post-monologue party to attend.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Hansel
Series: Zoolander
Age: Younger and Fresher than Zoolander
Job: Model Role Model
Canon: In the world of high fashion, you have the models, the super models, and then you have MALE models. These perfectly sculpted bodies decked out in the latest duds are the envy of every man and woman, and they know it. Enter Derek Zoolander, once at the top of the male super model world, now in a career downward spiral since being upstaged by a younger, hotter model: Hansel. While trying to determine his life's purpose, Zoolander inadvertently ends up brainwashed into acting as a pawn in an elaborate scheme by renowned fashion designers to continue exploiting child labor.
Every good model needs a rival, and the movie provides us with Hansel. He's young, fresh and just as ridiculously good-looking as Zoolander, if not more. Hansel is a modern-day hippie who enjoys partaking in mind-altering drugs and the act of free loving. He has an adventurous streak, often going to exotic places and participating in extreme sports. Unfortunately, he's not the sharpest crayon in the box, but that doesn't stop him from being skilled in other ways. From yo-yo battles to break-dance fighting and even magically pulling his underwear out from inside his pants, Hansel has varied repertoire of abilities that he excels in. Despite being a top model, Hansel is approachable, easy-going and very zen about life, love and the universe. And if you're friends, he's definitely got your back.
Sample Entry:
So when that mountain sherpa dude gave me those leaves and told me that burning them would be the trippiest mind trip I'd have, I really doubted it. But you know what, he was totally right, yo. It started with me flying over this grungy looking swamp with birds flapping all around me and talking inside my head, right? And then they're telling me that I should meet their master, who would grant me sugary coated cereal to my hearts content, so why not? I love Fruit Loops, man. Anyway, something happened and I ended up in this mystical forest filled with purple monkeys. And while I wanted to stay longer and bond with these wonderful gentle creatures, some bird told me I really should go. Apparently it was mating season, if you know what I mean. If you know what I mean. Seriously, you have got to be hitting some extreme stuff to be hallucinating these things. I need to get more of that stuff off that dude.
Here's the thing though. I'm way smoked out and I'm still here and now it looks like there's this weird crowd of homeless swamp dudes coming out to say hola. Seeing that, and just soaking up the aura of this place, I realized... I was sent here for a reason. Because why else would some godly dude decide to send me here unless it was for something really, really important? I may not know what I'm doing and why I'm here, but I'm going to give it my 100 percent. Because that's what Hansel does. And Hansel is always true to his word. And if I'm here, what other reason would there be but modeling?
Now come closer, crazy homeless amigos. I know a lot of you may think that modeling is an easy job, but you're wrong! It's really hard! It's not just about standing there and looking really good while people take photos of you. It's about... well, I know it's more than that, I just can't remember what right now. Now not everyone has what it takes to look incredibly handsome all the time, and since I bet I'm here to talk about my experiences so you guys can learn from them, I'll do you one even better. I'll show you guys how to do it. Now strike a pose!
Remember, you may look at me and think words like 'handsomeness' and 'incredibly chiseled features' and 'abs of a God', but I was just like you before. Well, I wasn't as ugly and smelly and gross looking, but I mean it symbolically. You know, like how you say things to cheer people up but you don't really mean it? Yeah, like that. What was I saying? Right, you just have to make it work. Lurch like your life depends on it! Demand those brains! Now strut on that runway! And by runway I mean that pier by the lake. It suits you... old and really crummy looking.
... okay, first thing we need to do is learn how to STOP at the end of the runway, geez. Don't jump into that lake, it's probably really bad for your... already bad complexion. Now fish yourself out while I go and... collect my zen.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hara Akiha
Series: Hanazakari No Kimitachi E (Hana-Kimi)
Character Age: 25
Job: Photography Instructor
Canon: Ahh, those sweet teenager years! The time in our lives when we do all kind of silly, retarded things like getting smashed for the first time, skipping school, and enrolling in an overseas all-boys school just to be closer to our one true love. ... Or maybe that's just Ashiya Mizuki, an adorable girl who travelled all the way from America to Japan and entered Osaka High School in the guise of a boy in order to meet Sano Izumi: high jump star and her very own personal idol. Of course, things aren't that easy for Mizuki -- especially when you take into account that she's terrible at pretending to be a boy and soon more than a few people end up learning about her secret.
One of these people is Hara Akiha, a world-class photographer who asks Mizuki and her friends to model for him. Cheerful, easy-going, a little bit childish and hopelessly addicted to sweets, Akiha is a professional man who takes his work very seriously. He believes it takes more than just a good camera to produce good photographs and has the talent to back that up. Sharp as needle, and sometimes overly blunt, Akiha is a man who doesn't let people inside his heart very easily. However, those few who've managed to gain his affection know well that he's a warm, loving person. What? Didn't you know stalking and slight non-conning your special person is just another way to show how much love them?
Sample Post:
Hello, hello, everyone~ How are you today? ♥ My name is Akiha and I'm here to teach you all about the secrets of photography. It's not every day that you get to stay at a zombie camp, so I'll show you how to get some great shots while successfully avoiding the badtouch vines at the same time! You might think that this is a waste of time, but this is an age where people love to go crazy with Photoshop layers and filters. Good, real photographs are a rare and marvelous thing. So, is everyone ready?
First of all, you need to understand that being knowledgeable about technique or having an expensive camera don't necessarily mean you'll be able to take good photographs. There have to be "signals" between the photographer and the model. This is the way a connection is made and the feelings will show in the final product. For example, the way the tentacle monster is seductively waving at us right now? That's a clear "signal" and we should make the best out of it, just try not to get too close to the-- a-ah! Oh boy. Looks like that "signal" was a little more intimate than expected, hahaha...
A-Anyway! Another detail to be kept in mind is originality. Think about it. How many drooling, staggering undead people have we all seen in horror movies before? Be alert and intuitive when choosing your subjects. That lady over there may appear the same as the others, but if you look closely you'll be able to notice how there's a certain charm in the way she sheds her skin. The way her eyes light up when she moans, and how she actually bothers to stop and pick up her body parts after they fall off. Proof that even in a place like this, it's not hard to find fresh new things to photograph!
One more tip that I'm sure will come in handy for many of you. The best way to get a picture of that special person in your life is to take them when they least expect it! Be it a candid shot as they talk to a moogle, or the moment when they realize they're being victims of their very first camp virus. You have to always know what they're doing and be where they are, so that you don't miss even one of these meaningful moments. Especially the mistletoe in December! One day, if you're lucky, they may thank you for it.
And with that, we conclude our first lesson~! Now, if it isn't too much trouble, would someone mind pointing me in the direction of the Mess Hall? I was promised lots of sweet baked goods when they hired me, so I can hardly wait to try the--
. . .
--w-wait, what do you mean the cake is a lie?!
Poll Vote!
Character: Arthur Dent
Series: Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy (in five parts).
Age: ~30.
Job: Camp Sandwich Maker.
Canon: With an evolution to rival homo sapiens, the absurdist sci-fi HHGTTG has gone from radio play, to a television show, to a series of five (and-a-bit) novels, to a movie, and then somehow back to a radio play again. Nevertheless, the essential story remains the same. This is the tale of Arthur Dent getting dragged around the universe by his friends, sometimes accidentally saving it in the process. After Earth is blown to pieces to make way for a hyperspace bypass which is never built, Arthur manages to escape on an alien spaceship via some deus ex machina Star Trek would be proud of. He spends the rest of his life being blown up, shot at, insulted, disintegrated, reintegrated, deprived of tea and creating space-time paradoxes; his way of coping with this is generally to ask "What?" a lot.
Arthur is just your typical British stereotype to begin with. His hobbies are drinking tea; embarrassing himself in front of pretty girls; and getting indignant over articles in the newspaper. Over time, these expand to include travelling throughout space, time and alternate realities; accidentally flying; embarrassing himself in front of pretty aliens; and getting indignant over articles in the tiny electronic encyclopaedia, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which gives advice for travelling the universe and has 'Don't Panic' printed on the cover. Despite the culture shock of visiting dozens of different planets, including prehistoric Earth, Arthur remains stubborn, anxious, cowardly, easily confused, frequently sarcastic and occasionally heroic (surprising himself, his friends, and sometimes even the readers.)
Sample Entry:
Don't panic? Don't bloody panic!? You wouldn't believe the day I've had. I woke up in a swamp! Well, actually, once I woke up in a swamp every day for ten years, at least this time there are people to talk to. Back then I only had trees, and these shrubs look like their jokes would be absolute pants. Not to mention, trees don't, as a rule, talk back - when they do, believe me, that's a good time to start worrying.
Supposedly I've received a letter. I mean to say, did they send it before or after my bloody planet blew up? I ask merely for information. Excuse me? You're one to talk about falling apart! It's not just me, either, you should see what it says in the Guide! Look at this- You can't read it? Oh, I see. It's all right, I understand perfectly; I'm 'armless, you see. ...Ahem. ...I said, I'm 'armless. Armless? Harmless? Because you have no eyes? It's sort of a joke, you know, a pun or what have you, get it? Do you- look, I'll just read this, shall I?
"Suspected to have been born of sheer improbability, Camp Fuck U Die is hard to find and even harder to escape from. Those who visit intentionally are quite mad; those in ignorance will soon find themselves sharing the condition. Before travelling, it is advised that hitchhikers make sure all their vaccinations are up-to-date, as the Summer Camp holds strains of virus found nowhere else in the universe - though those desperate for money may find question mark, question mark, question mark profit-" I'm just reading what it says! "-by exposing themselves briefly to the Genderswitching Virus and then exposing themselves lengthily to everyone else. Be especially aware of the tentacled inhabitant of the lake; many have mistaken her for the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Troy, which believes if you can't see it, it can't see you. Unfortunately, Marcy would in fact prefer it if you shut your eyes..."
Oo-er, there's- there's an illustration, it's sort of. Well, have you ever seen one of those handheld pasta-makers churning out spaghetti? Yes? Imagine that in reverse and you'll have a good idea of what... of what I'm seeing here. But the point is, they've given it a zero-star rating and a little symbol which I think means nuclear radiation. Not really the kind of neighbourhood I want to work in. I do like to make sandwiches, I've made more sandwiches than you've got maggots - which I should probably point out aren't exactly sanitary in a kitchen environment - but this kind of place just isn't worth it. It's not even well-stocked, I mean, misc. sandwich meats? Sorry, but I'm not entirely sure what constitutes "misc."-
Er, pardon me, er, sir. I think I've located one of your eyes.
Poll Vote!
Character: Cpt. Malcolm Reynolds
Series: Firefly (series) / Serenity (movie)
Character Age: Early thirties
Job: Part-time Job Coordinator
Canon: Firefly is a series all about being in the middle of things. East meets West, sci-fi spaceships mingle with Western cowboys, and bad guys in mighty fine hats face off against good guys in … attractive floral bonnets. Add in a dash of colorful Chinese curses and a big ol' helping of Joss-style snark, and you've got a recipe for adventure. The focus of the series is one of the aforementioned cowboy spaceships, a Firefly-class vessel named Serenity. It's home to the finest crew of not-quite-criminals that ever wandered the 'Verse. Together, they take what jobs they can get and occasionally end up engagin' in some mighty fine heroics … but mostly, they just keep flyin'.
Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds is the captain of this ship and arguably the central character of the series. A man of principle, the guy is fiercely loyal to his crew and his ideals. Especially when said ideals get him hip-deep in a mess of trouble … though his habit of shooting first and asking questions never sure doesn't help either. But really, it's hard to blame him - when a guy loses everything in a war, including the ability to really appreciate what little he does have left, it's bound to make anyone a mite tetchy. Retarded captain-ness aside, Mal is still a Joss protagonist, which means he deals with stress (and … everything else, really) in the way he knows best: lots of snark. He can even be downright perky if'n the mood's struck him right, and it often does once things start getting dicey. For all his trigger-happy tendencies, he's quite the fast talker, especially when his life's on the line. Just don't let it distract you from the steel underneath.
Fangirl Firefly Chinese: fēng le= "loopy in the head."
Sample Post:
All right, this is officially a predicament.
Can't say I'm completely surprised on that count. Y'get wise after a while, seein' as how I've pulled a lotta jobs that went wrong like a … thing that really goes wrong. That and the zombies. Because I am all manner of certain that there was nothin' about zombies in the job description. Fact of the matter is, it looked sorta normal, considering some fēng le lady setting up camp on a swamp moon was the one 'casting it all over the 'Verse. It even promised some manner of decent pay - which is something I got a terrible fondness for. The 'cast made it sound almost like babysitting, 'cept the babies I'm sitting on are a touch more adultified. The idea woulda been that, since there's all sorts of kids and critters and mighty excitable zombies cooped here, and plenty of stuff that needs to be done, this Director lady wants to start parceling out the odd job or two. T'do that, she needs somebody who's got half a brain and some experience with pullin' a job. And I got the experience down pat.
All an' all, it wasn't looking too bad as far as crazy swamp jobs went … 'til the zombies showed up. I swear they were waitin' patiently for me to get myself a good long impression of this camp just so they could come on down an' mess with it. Which they are doing with all their zombie might. Maybe they didn't take too kindly to me shootin' one or ten of 'em soon as they came calling. Normally I wouldn't have too much to worry about from brain-eaters, 'specially if they got anything resembling refined tastes, but see, these fellas got somethin' else in mind. The jobs, in particular. This has got t'be the first time I seen so many dead folks interested in hairdressin' and facials and head-messaging. There some kinda Miss Zombie contest I should be hearin' about? Course, I ain't got much right to talk. It ain't often I see dead folks seekin' work in general, much less beautifyin' ones. So far as first experiences go, this is turnin' out to be a right memorable one. But I was gonna feel some sympathy. Swamp like this don't get much by way of work, I'm guessin', unless you're in the menacing and slobbering business. But they sure got tetchy once all two of my hairdressin' job offers got filled.
Did I say tetchy? I meant kidnappy. Not by the the dead folks - they started keepin' clear after the first ten bullets or so - but by their monkey buddies. Almost enough to make me feel damsel-in-distressy, 'cept I don't quite got the ankles for it. Takes a special kinda poise to look pretty and get gorilla-handled at the same time. Don't suppose you could let me go on account of that? No? So here I am. Sad and - well, not 'xactly alone, what with all this company. Makes it a mite difficult to get the job done. … you do still want them jobs right? Just 'cause I'm fresh outta hairdressin' don't mean we can't work somethin' out. Take this fella pinnin' my arms behind my back. Good strong hands on him. Ever think of takin' up massage work? I seem to recall readin' a bit about this Marcy lady looking for a good massage guy. Girl. Whichever you are. She's even offerin' a nice bit of lakefront property so you don't have to walk far to work.
Interested? Great. How 'bout you just let go so I can reach on down to the part of my belt that is in no way affiliated with my gun. Paperwork, y'know.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Tanizaki Yukari
Series: Azumanga Daioh
Character Age: Unknown; Probably in her late 20s/early 30s
Job: Camp Tutor
Canon: Azumanga Daioh is a slice of life series that follows the wacky and hilarious antics of a group of high school girls and their teachers. There's never a dull moment with the girls around; whether they're competing in the school sports festival or simply trying to pet kittens without getting a hand bitten off, the gang always makes an adventure out of something.
Yukari is both the English and homeroom teacher to the main cast with an ego big enough to camp on. Tyrannical in her classes and feared for her horrible driving skills, she is hardly a candidate for teacher of the year. Yukari thinks of herself first and foremost and is known to be one of the laziest and most selfish people around. This is a teacher that steals a student's bike to get to work and skips class to pick up the latest and hottest Playstation games. She is quick to anger, enjoys making fun of others, hyper competitive, and rarely does anything that won't benefit herself in some way. Despite this, Yukari still manages to bond with her students (albeit usually through violence) and genuinely enjoys her job.
Sample Post:
Hahaha! If the Director thinks I'm paying $25 a day for parking, she's got another think coming. I salute you Canada and your convenient fee-free wilderness! And just a note, that baby moose was so not okay. Looks like you've got yourself a new mantle, Frenchies! Now now, consider yourself lucky to get a gift from the great Yukari-Sensei! I'll send you the bill later.
Anyway, HELLO CHILDREN. Why would I grace you all with my presence when I could be doing so much more interesting things with my winter vacation, like say, watching leaves fall? Well, it's because I care about all you brats. Really! Even you over there, with the acne problem. Bwahaha, bet you're a hit with the ladies, pizza face! I want you all to succeed and be the very best you can be! Why waste your winter skating or playing mafia or whatever the hell else is popular nowadays? You don't wanna end up as a bum like my good friend Bubba here. Bubba quit studying and now he flips burgers at the local Swamp n' Chomp. How's that working out for you, Bubba? "Brains," eh? Yeah, you wish you had brains back then and didn't drop out of zombie school! TOUGH LUCK. You kids don't wanna grow up like that do you? Of course not! You want to get a decent education so you can become fine upstanding citizens of society!
And more importantly, you want to help me get a winter bonus so I can finally get my hands on one of 'em Playstation3 bundle packs! See? Win win situation, I help you, you help me! It's like charity only without the Salvation Army taking all the goods.
--hey, hey! This is a serious matter here, that bonus has my name written all over it! Why the hell do you think I came all the way here to America? For my health? Haha, like hell! I'm surprised none of you kids ain't shot yet! Why? Oho, I'll educate you brats in more than the ways of the English vocabulary--I'll make this a cultural affair! America's the land of the free, the home of opportunity, and the easiest place to avoid paying for tickets I may or may not have earned back home! They can't prove a thing, damnit.
Completely non-existent criminal records aside, let's get down to business! SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN and we'll start with the basics! Here's an exercise even your brains can handle. Open your textbooks to chapter one!
Fill in the blanks! "See John. See John ****. See John put his **** in the *** "
. . .NEW LESSON PLAN. Let's talk abbreviations. Extra credit to first kid that defines NSFW.
Poll Vote!
Character name: David Xanatos
Series: Disney’s Gargoyles
Age: mid 30s
Job: Director of Acquisitions
Canon: One thousand years ago, superstition and the sword ruled. It was a time of darkness. It was a world of fear. It was the age of Gargoyles.
But that was then, and this is now-modern-day New York City. The island of Manhattan and its surrounding boroughs, whether their inhabitants know it or not, fall largely under the sway of one ambitious man: David Xanatos. A billionaire captain of industry who wields more influence than certain countries, it’s Xanatos who sets the events of the series in motion by transporting a cursed clan of Scottish monsters-and their entire 10th century castle-to the top of his Midtown skyscraper, undoing the curse and unleashing our heroes into the modern world.
Cultured, brilliant, and amoral, Xanatos is the series’ main antagonist, facing off against the Gargoyles with his vast wealth, scientific acumen, and Machiavellian schemes directed toward one thing: getting whatever he wants, whether that’s immortality or a better PR rating. And although he’s usually thwarted, Xanatos is a master of capitalizing on any positive outcome of his gambits, whether that’s a manipulation that will only play out in days to come, or just the experience of losing so as not to make the same mistake next time.
Sample Entry:
The Louisiana backwoods seem an odd place for a business conference, but admittedly I’ve gone further afield than this to seal a deal-try making a rendezvous in Dark Age Northumbria sometime and then talk to me about scheduling difficulties. I’m also not accustomed to putting in personal appearances at the opening stage of discussions about a prospective partnership, even less so when it’s not on my daily, weekly, or monthly agenda and I’ve never heard of any company called CFUD Incorporated Mega-Conglomerates. And that I seem to’ve been teleported here by a secretarial pool consisting of purple simians and the reanimated dead was something of a giveaway that this meeting with your Director might not be entirely on the up-and-up.
But then again, I’ve never let that stand in the way of a profitable venture before. So-let’s see how we can help each other, shall we?
I understand that you’ve all been brought here from various times and places, some slightly more distant or exotic than others. Fortunately for all of us, I have both experience with this sort of thing and the insight to make it work to our mutual benefit. What we know is that there's some apparatus for moving people and material across time and space, and that it works. If my arrangement with your Director goes through, I’ll be your new Director of Acquisitions… And your new best friend.
Now, that’s not to say that this partnership won’t be without its difficulties. As a test I put in a requisition for some apples, and what I got back were a Macintosh 128k and several CDS featuring the musical stylings of Ms. Fiona Apple, but that’s no reason to be discouraged. Once we get those… minor wrinkles… ironed out, we should be able to acquire anything-anything you want, anything you need, from any place or time. And then perhaps we’ll see about getting those birds to stop calling me “Number One.”
Still, it could prove an apt nickname-after all, I should be the first contact on your list if you’re ever in need. As the saying goes, “You can’t always get what you want.”
But I can.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Optimus Prime.
Series: Transformers Animated.
Age: Unknown, assumed to be the Cybertronian equivalent of late twenties.
Job: Camps All-encompassing Repairman.
Canon: Transformers, robots in disguise.Transformers, more than meets the eyes. You know the rest: ever since the eighties the good Autobots have waged their battles against the forces of the evil Decepticons, protecting the right of freedom for all sentient lifeforms and hawking TONS of toys! And throughout all the series the Autobots are lead by their brave and fearless leader, Optimus Prime, guiding his courageous crew into battle with the heinous Megatron. But this time, the formula has been… shaken up a bit.
The courageous crew of trained soldiers? Replaced with a bunch of slightly dysfunctional repairmen. Their glorious leader? A military wash-out who at the start of the show has never even SEEN a Decepticon, much less fought one. When the first episode has you die and resurrect by Deus Ex Machina you know you got a LOT of work ahead of you. Fortunately for planet Earth, Prime is willing and able to go that distance.
For even though there glows a spark inside Optimus's chest as heroic and bold as can be, his lack of experience and confidence in his skills (which however improves as the series go on) make his speeches feel more hollow than heroic. While Prime firmly believes in the Autobot ideals and does his best to make a coherent, functional team of his headstrong band of bots, balancing this with maintaining good relations with a human race who are understandably suspicious of allowing gigantic machines to use their city as a battleground and combating Decepticons who outgun and outmuscle them in every way is a task that often strains his patience-circuits to the breaking point, and as a result he often resorts to letting cold calculations and protocol go before gut-feeling and sheer spirit leading the way.
In the end however, Prime is an upstanding, dedicated and friendly guy who prefers mending to destroying, diplomacy instead of force and just generally getting along with people. When the chips are down you will be glad to have him on your side and taking charge… in the meanwhile, seeing his awkward attempts to balance the weight of the world on his shoulders can provide enough laughs to make his stick-in-the-mud attitude worth it.
Sample Entry:
By the Allspark, the situation's worse than I thought. I heard this state had been hit badly by unknown assailants, but to see it in person… burnt down forests, leveled landmasses, evaporated swamps … You were right to contact us, mr… must be a local dialect, mr Hngaah. If these "Camper-cons" of yours are this powerful it is our duty to help you as Autobots, protectors of all life!... Ah, and "unlife" as well, of course… I suppose. I could have sworn I read that organics in the process of decomposing were incapable of speech and motor-functions…
Well, let's not be distracted from the main issue here: while it is true we have little experience in reforestation, I assure you we have an expert in that field to oversee our operations. Prowl, what would you recommend we start… Prowl? … His signal is gone. Of all the times to- No, mister Hngaah we're ready to start working, we just need to coordinate our workforce before … you already HAVE Autobots? Here?! But command hasn't told us anything about reinforcements… the others are capable of fending for themselves. Can I see these other Autobots first?
… These are your Autobots? Pardon? Spam-o-bots?... Right. Eh, well… Spam-o-bots, I'll need you to form a line and brief me on your abilities. You five… the combining unit "Toucusatsu?" Well, let's see you transform then. We could use the strength of five robots coming together to create a giant… multicolored… toucan-beak. And your special ability is "inspiring poses". I… see. Yes, they're… nice. Very nice so moving on to "Vouyer-illa"? Another animal-themed robot who transforms into… a radar-station. Capable of reading UST-signals from up to five miles away… well, that's... Party-Hardy then! A van-mode huh? Finally someone normal. Outfitted with a … hypnoray that's extra effective on the underdeveloped minds of young organics? I can't honestly see how that would be useful or even moral, and frankly the bear you claim to "merge with" to unleash your true power isn't helping things.
Look, I apologize if I come across as tense now, but is ANYONE here outfitted with equipment that is actually helpful in construction work and repopulation of camp's ecosystem? M.A.R.C.Y? Well, is there any chance I can see unit M.A.R.C.Y for myse- the lake? How can an aquatic unit- Oh. That… was not the repopulation I had in mind. Nor is this team, for that matter… but it can't be helped. I've lost contact with my crew and, having seen the situation with my own eyes… turning back is not an option. Alright Spam-o-bots. Listen up.
The road ahead is not an easy one. There will be hardships ahead as we learn how to communicate with the local inhabitants and reach a peaceful coexistence with them amidst chaos and attacks, and many of them will doubt our commitment as machines to create a peaceful world for organics. But right now none of that matters. What matters is that in front of me, I see a team of robots who has decided they have the power to change this situation, to rebuild and restore this once great natural haven to what it once was. And if you have the will to go through with this, then so do I! I accept your nomination as leader of the Spam-o.bots, and I promise you this: until this situation has been fixed, I will do my best to help you in any way I can! So Spam-o-bots, transform and roll… oh, you already have a motto? Well then… Spam-o-bots, log in and troll on!
This is going to be a long set of stellar-cycles…
Poll Vote!