(no subject)
HALF AN HOUR LATER jesus HERE'S THE SECOND ROUND
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. -- and a half an hour after that, CLOSED.
Character: Welkin Gunther
Series: Valkyria Chronicles
Character Age: 22
Camp Job: Scout Leader
Valkyria Chronicles is a strategy game that tells the story of Gallia - a small, picturesque border country rich in natural, magical materials and photogenic little villages - and the nation's attempts to remain neutral and independant in the face of two very loud and large neighbours having a war that is, all put together, in no way a ripoff of Switzerland circa approximately World War 1, if World War 1 had magitech tanks and super-soldiers and less mud. Taking place in this peaceful nation of forced conscription and military training for all citizens, nestled in a corner of Europa (still not Switzerland!), the game primarily follows one crack elite militia squad that has been called into service - the Number Sevens - as they and their super-custom tank, the Edelweiss, go around liberating chunks of a country that keeps getting stomped on by all comers.
Welkin Gunther is the young but able tank commander and leader of the 7s, son of a famous General and thrown into the war when soldiers assault his hometown. It would be difficult to find a better person to bring home to meet the parents - kind, calm, and noble with it, Welkin is all smiles, affability, and nice guy charm. Forceful enough to lead a squad with efficiency while kind enough to gain their respect despite prejudice and anger, he's the consummate white knight hero. His only real weakness - beyond a tendency to be kind of blinkeredly dumb and flustered as regards his love interest - is a deep and abiding joy for all things natural, be they green or brown or covered in mud or swimming in a river or kind of worryingly slimy. His knowledge is encyclopaedic but leads to a very one-track mind that can cause the occasional problem; such a brain often has, for instance, the inability to understand why comparing one's girlfriend to a king beetle is not generally considered a compliment.
Sample Post:
Alright! Sevens, fall in! Just because you're a scout troupe and not army doesn't mean you can pass up on inspection! Hans, pick up those steps! Sven, stop swinging those arms! Jann, get that head straight! I want all of you to get those back on their owner's body, on the double, and if he ends up with two left feet you'll get to be giving him another hand! Jensen, if you don't stop waving around that woggle in public, that will be five demerits; tie it up properly and tuck it back into your pants! Last of all; Kiefer, you're late - I'll remind you again the Timekeeper Badge does not mean that you should take as much as possible. That said... eh, are you quite sure you should have turned up? You're looking even peakier than usual, and you smell like you fell in a swamp. It's terrible-- are those flies?
Ah! It's true, they are! Forget the demerits, this is excellent! The wing pattern - see those tracing lines? That means this is one of the most rare and dangerous species in camp; that stinger alone can kill a man at ten paces if fired, and you've got one sitting right on your nose! What an amazing find; keep it still while I make a sketch. All the rest of you, look here: you can actually see the blood and ichor being pumped up out of the hole it's dug in Kiefer's forehead as it feeds. What an amazing view it gives~! It's a little unorthodox, but I'd say given the circumstances this absolutely applies for the Sightseer Badge--ah? Oh.
No, Kiefer. I insist; that little guy is your find, I couldn't possibly take it from you. It's no use moaning about it. You've got a fine head on your shoulders, often for twenty minutes at a time, and you've done an excellent job already at keeping it sheltered. All you need to do is show it you've got a big heart and it'll be a happy, well-fed pet in no time.
Then, we should get to business. It's a little unorthodox, again, but we need to pull the Edelweiss out of that bog - without ropes, this is a perfect time to show you the power of vines! The ones around here are fibrous enough that they make a perfect hemp-like rope, and there's the added bonus that they grab onto anything nearby! With these we'll have the tank out and happy in no time, don't you see; it's like evolution made them rigged for our pleasure. To tie them together, we'll use a rabbit knot. Watch: this end forms a loop and becomes our rabbit, who goes down and pops back up through the hole. Then we stop it from choking us - full marks, Jann, please help Hans before he turns even more green - and send it back down the rabbit hole! Tighten, and you've got one rope!
... Excellent! That's exactly it! Once you've made one rabbit the next will be easier, and once you've made two they practically start making themselves! After that, that's... ... that's a lot of rabbits.
Poll Vote!
Character: L
Series: Death Note
Character Age: 24
Job: Candy Inspector
Canon: The Death Note is a notebook capable of killing anyone whose name is written on its pages; but according to Yagami Light, it's justice. Known as the mysterious killer "Kira", Light has taken it upon himself to judge those who the law has failed in hopes of cleansing the world of evil, creating a "new" world that he'll stand at the top of as a God. But despite the overwhelming support the public has for Kira, there are those who believe that he is nothing but a murderer. And despite the risk of being killed himself, it's L's goal to bring Kira to justice. As the top detective in the world, L has never lost a case, choosing them based on his personal interest; so it's no surprise that the Kira investigation would pique his curiosity. For every step Light takes, L is right behind him, slowing putting the pieces together to figure out Kira's mysterious methods of killing.
But according to L, he and Kira are the same; that they are both immature and hate to lose. However, he is dead-set on his beliefs, suspecting that Light is Kira to his face, while at the same time calling him the first real friend he's ever made. With a love of sweets and a preference of crouching in chairs instead of sitting normally (it decreases his investigative abilities by 40%, you know) it's not surprising that people find him to be a bit, well, weird.
Sample Post:
Residents of Camp Fuck You Die, good afternoon. You may call me L.
It has been brought to my attention that there is a problem in this encampment regarding the sweets the populace has been consuming. Cheap, inexpensive off-brand candy has been distributed in place of higher quality name brands, resulting in a 38% increase in stomachaches and other such effects. Not only that, but my investigation has also found that there are name brands in circulation that were left over from past holidays; Halloween candy from last year, and in some cases, the year before that. This brings the percentage to an overwhelming 46.7%.
This is unacceptable.
However, quantity over quality is not always the best method, and I believe that the information I have gathered proves it. You, the campers, should still be allowed access to candy you can enjoy, not suffer from. I have taken it upon myself to make this happen, that the candy you are given from now on is both delicious and abides by whatever rules are already in place, as it's clear that there is some sort of discrimination against products containing sugar in effect. I will make sure that you have access to name brand sweets that have been thoroughly tested and proven safe for consumption. I believe this will cause the percentage I mentioned earlier to drop dramatically.
Not only that, but I will find the persons responsible for this as well. They have been allowed free reign with your candy for too long, and it's time that someone discovers their identities and makes them pay for their crimes. I fully encourage those with information regarding this matter to contact me. An investigation team to handle these tips will be assembled and we will be working to handle this matter as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Despite this, I am giving the criminals the option of stepping forward and revealing themselves. Mercy will be shown to those brave enough to do this. For those who do not, the harshest of punishments will be dealt. Candy is serious business, no matter what you believe or what you've been told. If you think I'm bluffing, feel free to continue as you are. It's only a matter of time.
Camp Fuck You Die, thank you for your time. I, L, promise that I will bring these criminals to justice.
Poll Vote!
Character: Maes Hughes
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist
Character Age: Early 30's
Job: Family Values Counselor
Canon: Fullmetal Alchemist is the story of brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric who tried to bring their mother back to life, failed, and screwed themselves over in the process. In an attempt to fix this, Edward joins the military. This becomes relevant when you find out that the military is actually full of corruption, political scandals, and inhuman beings trying to turn everyone into living sacrifices.
Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes is one of the friendly faces Edward meets upon entering the military. Hughes is part of the uncorrupted side of it, and one of the sharpest guys around. In fact, he's the one who unravels the military's dirt ages before everyone else does. But his intellect is often overlooked by his peers in favor of his cheerful attitude and somewhat eccentric behavior. People find it hard to take seriously a man who's okay with inviting virtual strangers for pie and flashes wallet-sized pictures of his family left and right. He brags endlessly about his daughter Elysia--she's three years old now! And the cutest girl ever. And his wife, Gracia-- the best wife in the whole wide world! And why wouldn't he brag? After all, everyone would want girls like his. In short, Hughes thinks having a family is THE BEST THING EVER and that everyone should experience the joy and healing light one brings to their lives! Especially if your name is Roy Mustang.
Sample Post:
~ ♥ HELLO YOUNG CAMPERS ♥ ~ I am Maes Hughes, your brand new Family Values Counselor. Now, I know this seems like a strange job, but family values are exactly what this place is missing to have a truly homey environment. And I am the perfect man for the job! I already happen to be a proud husband and father-- here, I have some ~pictures~ That's my Elysia, don't you just want to hug her~? Anyway, where were we? Right. Everyone should experience the love that a caring family provides. The problem with this place is that a lot of you are estranged from your families. That won't do. Honestly, it's very sad! Especially to someone like me who has such a wonderful wife and daughter~ Elysia is three now, this one's from her last birthday. Eh. I've taken the liberty to add pictures of her to all the camp brochures so you can all have a copy. ♥
Anyway, I know there are terrible cases of blood-relatives doing very bad things to each other. There's no need to get into specifics, I'm sure some of you have dealt with them. However that doesn't mean you can't have a family outside of your real family. You don't need blood ties to love your father! And maybe your mother sold you to a stranger when you were a child, or maybe you were betrayed by your uncle, or your twin tried to kill you! Although these are horrible things, but you should let go of it. I am here to teach you to forgive and forget. To love and be loved in return! For that is, after all, the greatest thing you'll ever learn.
Ah, maybe you're thinking "but I could never have a family." You're wrong! It doesn't matter if you're an orphan, a clone, a robot or Roy Mustang. Worry not. Everyone can have a family, no matter where they come from. I will help you find what you need, maybe a mother, an older brother, a girlfriend, a gay uncle -everyone needs a gay uncle!- or one of those annoying old aunts who pinch your cheeks and call you sweetie! And I will personally make sure that you all fit together almost as perfectly as I do with my own family! And this is a picture my wife Gracia, isn't she simply the most beautiful woman you've ever seen? Ah~ you're jealous, aren't you? Of course you are. Who wouldn't be? ♥
To begin, I think we should start with individual interviews. What kind of relatives would you like? Which role would you have in it? And could I have a copy of this fabled "camp family tree"?
That's an awfully complicated chart, isn't it? Does anyone have a marker?
...
Ah... what is this? These people have the same last name but... oh... oh. Well, I'll just highlight these. These are not okay and we'll have a special lesson to explain why.
Poll Vote!
Character: Doctor Percival "Perry" Cox
Series: Scrubs
Character age: 47
Job: Honorable Purveyor of the Clue By Four
Canon: If you put E.R, Cheers and the Wizard of Oz in a room together and had them engage in a threesome, the lovechild you'd get from it would probably be Scrubs. The show follows life in American hospital Sacred Heart through the eyes of fledgling doctor John "J.D" Dorian, who is half doctor and half daydream, and is a rampant cakewalk through fantasies, comedic moments, and every now and then a good sharp kick in the heart. And, of course, every story of young people finding their feet in the world just needs a mentor.
Doctor Perry Cox would give his eye teeth not to be that man. Sour, cantankerous and incredibly edgy, Cox is "House without the limp." He rarely has a kind word to say about anyone; when he does, you know for a fact that they've earned it, because he's incredibly difficult to please. A talkative, straightforward man who enjoys football and liquor far too much, Cox is entirely unafraid to tell you just how much you suck, why you are sucking, and just how long you will be sucking for until you manage to pull your head out of your ass and actually get on with doing something sensible. In fact, he can often be found bitterly ranting about nothing. Despite his nature, however, he is a brilliant doctor with a lot of pride in his work, and he does have a softer side, shown largely to his son Jack and occasionally to Jack's mother Jordan when she's not being psychotic - but you're damn right in thinking that he'll never show it to the general public.
Sample Post:
Ladies and gentlemen. I want your attention, so can we please for a moment cease all cries for a good piece of cranium! In other words, shut up because I know, oh, at least eight different creative things to do with your spleens. Thank you.
Now, I've been a doctor for a long time. For some of you, it'll be as long as you've been alive, though god knows how long you've been rotting like that. And I have to say, I've never seen such a huge pile of medical problems since the one time I treated this guy who hadn't left his bedroom in twenty years - trust me, there was toe mold on his toe mold. Let's use you as an example, lady. There's plenty of things we could say, but nothing more telling than that there's a large hole where some of your skull ought to be. That's right, you've got a bit of brain showing. Speaking of which, let's talk about another observation I've made that is just bang on: no wonder you people are crying out for the old gray matter! You clearly need new ones, because if yours were functioning you'd have re-eeee-aaally tried harder with your personal hygiene issues. But, the good news! You lot seem to be what one technically calls undead. Not my area. So, you might ask me "Doctor Cox! Buddy! Why would you go through telling us just how disgusting we are if you're not going to do anything about it?" - or you might ask that if you could actually think, which I doubt - and let me tell what my answer would be. It would be because I can. Because it is now my job.
That's right! It seems my function in this godforsaken place is to tell people exactly what they're doing wrong! And let me tell you something, friends. That is something I do for free. In fact, I find the fact that someone would ask me to do it as a camp counselor genuinely hilarious, because while I was aware that kids who come to these camps spend all night crying for mommy and daddy in their little log cabins, I didn't think "shattering the illusions of little children everywhere" was really the ethos of places like these. Still, with a name like "Fuck You Die", I won't be betting the big bucks on that. Anyway! While I'm here, I might as well do my appointed task, right? Well, friends, take it from me. This camp is an unsanitary, disgusting hellhole, the woman in charge of it is obviously a psychotic bitch akin to my ex-wife, and just when it seems you've found a positive, let's say, an attractive woman to stare at, it turns out that said woman is, in fact, ding ding! Survey says: a boy.
With all of this in mind, allow me to conclude: I'd say this place's only saving grace is the fact I'm being paid to tell you just how this place sucks like a hooker who's been taking lessons from a particularly efficient vacuum cleaner. Thank you, I'll be here all week. And then some.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Vexen
Character Age: Appears to be in his fourties. Technically? 9 years old
Canon: Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (The version I am hoping to app is finely-brewed, homogeneous blend of Re: and Manga canon)
Character Job: Scientific Experimentation Senior Manager
Canon: Kingdom Hearts is about a young boy's quest against creatures made of hearts lost to the darkness, who threaten a multitude of worlds. Like most grand plots, the Heartless are not quite so simple as they might seem: if a heart is removed or lost to the darkness, sometimes it leaves behind a living, thinking shell called a Nobody. Chain of Memories introduces the Nobodies as enemies and a particularly political group known as the Organization, who are very good at screwing with our plucky protagonists (and commercial marketing, but hey, you have to fund your goals somehow.)
Filling the necessary role of creepy mad scientist is Vexen, a Nobody who is both one of the original six and appears to be one of the eldest in general. As a scientist, Vexen is brilliant, knowledgeable in the study and manipulation of memories, as well as replication of data... and entire people. He just so happens to ALSO be rather excitable, prideful, quick to anger and even fuzzier on the word 'morals' than most of the Organization. Vexen demands absolute respect based his age and the validity of SCIENCE as a method in the most obnoxious ways possible. Also, lacking any conventional social skills, Vexen can wander off on some bizarre tangents and conclusions at the worst times, sometimes completely derailing himself over a trivial point.
Sample post:
These answers... What kind of research facility is this? If nothing else, I expected a greater dedication to science than this hodgepodge! Starting with what should be obvious, the means of making a hormone is not to 'not pay her,' a vampire is not a hemo-goblin... nor a homo-gobbler. I don't even understand where that came from... youth these days! Incapable of thinking beyond their ... bits! And there is no such formula as E(TOH)=MCHAMMERED no matter what addled logic may have prompted your answers to my survey of "Your Favorite Science Fact."
Given the sample data I've collected, I really see no other choice whatsoever but to go back to the basics! Yes! The very building block upon which SCIENCE is based, the scientific method. For example, you say the lake is dangerous, correct? I have yet to see one paper methodically documenting how it differs from any other body of water here! One person shall wade waist deep into the onsen, and the rest of you will go to an equal depth of the lake. I, of course, will observe and document the events properly from this puddle. Now, if this is cl-
Are you ignoring me? ARE YOU IGNORING ME?! You cannot just walk away in the middle of such an important experiment! I am a counselor! YOU ARE A CAMPER! By these standards, it can be inferred that I am not only older, and thus WELL DESERVING of respect on its own, but I AM IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY AND YOU NEED TO DO WHAT I SA- ... Weapons. I see how it is, now.
Do not believe you have undermined my control already. Did you really think I would be so foolish as to come unprepared? From my own observations, I have noted that there is a wide power level spectrum in the campers here, YET the wildlife is one factor of which all are particularly wary, due to several yet to be identified variables present in their nature. While I haven't had the time to properly investigate them... My course of action only follows naturally!
I have not only replicated one of your 'cowbots' in an absolutely perfect and flawless manner, but ON TOP OF THAT I have modified it to be a Scientific Assistant laptop accessory in a crowning stroke of brilliance! It will, accordingly, be rounding you up so that you may have the honor of participating in such a landmark of scientific development within this encampment! To this end, I've given it a Subject Enforcement Program which puts its horns to the greatest use, and yet is still able to perform complex calculations with minimal input!
I have named it iGOR.
... ... ...
... That WAS particularly clever, wasn't it?
Poll Vote!
Character: Ali al-Saachez
Series: Mobile Suit Gundam 00
Character age: 35
Job: Babysitter
Canon: Like most giant robot shows, Gundam 00 is the story of a group of young people whose lives have been so traumatizing that they wind up in giant robots trying to establish peace by blowing up sources of war. And if you're a character in 00 with friends or family members who were shot, shanked, or exploded, it's probably Ali al-Saachez's fault.
Ali has a knack for getting into - and, well, causing - global conflict. A self-confessed war addict and "terrible man," Ali wins the title of Worst Mentor Ever for sweet-talking protagonist Setsuna F. Seiei and other small children into murdering their parents and joining him in his "holy war" over alternative energy. Ali explodes into the main plot years later when the heroes attack his mercenary employers, then proceeds to harass Setsuna and posse on battlefields around the world. Though Ali is capable of shaving his soulpatch, putting on a suit, and acting charming around people he needs something from, his inner warmonger starts to leak out once he's gotten what he wants - with the unfortunate side-effects of reporters knifed in back alleys, hijacked Gundams, little things like that! Wild, ruthless, clever, and loyal only to himself, Ali delights in the chaos around him... and how wonderfully it pays.
Sample Post:
Well, this unbreakable barrier-whatever sure has made a mess of you kids! There's so much that a swamp full of impressionable, directionless young people could be doing out in the world, you know? But while you're stuck here without anything to do, as your responsible babysitter I'll happily make sure you pick up something useful.
First things first. Is it really healthy for young people to spend so much time inside? Some of you spend way too much time in front of a computer screen, when you should be outdoors, wading through snake-filled swamps, dodging lava flows, navigating mine-fields, evading aerial bombardments… the great outdoors will always be an interesting place for young people. If you're at a laptop right now, you should go for a long, healthy swim, instead. And yes, I understand that some of you have your concerns about the lake, but I'm a bit busy right now. Can we talk about the dangers of vicious, saw-toothed alligators some other time?
For those of you who are just frustrated to be here, there's no reason to keep it all bottled up when there are plenty of ways to let that feeling out. What do kids like to play again? Tag? Pin the tentacles on the slow camper? Duck, duck, cabin on fire? Dodgeball? Whatever! That'll be good exercise for you lot. Don't worry about the lack of equipment - you've got arms, you've got rocks, and you've got each other. Enjoy.
And the rest of you, well, you might as well practice something you can take home with you - if you brats have a home left. Whether you stay stuck in this shithole forever or you break the hell out of this swamp, you'll be fighting for the rest of your miserable lives - so grab a paintball gun and get ready. No jerseys or team colors: the only thing that matters is making sure you're the one standing at the end. Think of it as practice for the big ugly world.
But to really make the most of it, there's something you runts have to do first: swap those paint pellets out with the cartridges I'll pass round. If you feel like complaining when the guns only shoot red, well - what's the motto here again?
Fuck you. Die.
Have fun, brats!
Poll Vote!
Character: Lieutenant Commander Hyuuga
Series: 07-Ghost
Age: appears mid/late 20s
Job: Morale Officer
Canon: (contains some spoilers) Once upon a time, the shinigami Verloren killed the daughter of the Chief of Heaven. Banished to Earth and trapped in the cycle of reincarnation for eternity, Verloren now resides in a series of human bodies, seeking to reclaim his sealed power and create strife for humanity. That's right, in the world of 07-Ghost, evil walks among us. And only one man has the power to ... call it cutesy nicknames, invade its personal space, and make fun of its hat. Lt. Commander Hyuuga is Ayanami/Verloren's most trusted officer, and with good reason; he is obsessively dedicated to "Aya-tan" and has the skills to back him up. This is a man who can use a sword to slice apart a moving aircraft. While standing on top of another moving aircraft.
Unfortunately for his coworkers, Hyuuga's powers of Badass are outstripped only by his powers of Slacking and Retardation. He can usually be found eating candy, doodling all over important documents, taking breaks from his work when he hasn't done any work, making up ridiculous excuses, or adopting small children and then foisting them off on his assistant to raise. Hyuuga is an easygoing, cheerful, playful kind of guy who always makes his job look effortless, either because he's very very good at it or because he's just not putting in any effort. Due to the latter, he's also the frequent target of frustration and violence from his coworkers, especially Ayanami, who never misses an opportunity to physically abuse Hyuuga in creative ways. Still, Hyuuga takes his lumps and remains devoted to his unit, doing his part to keep the mood light and everyone's spirits up. And if this just happens to involve pissing them off several times a day, well, so be it!
As a note, Hyuuga abuses ☆ in his dialogue.
Sample Post:
Attention, please! Hello, kids! ☆ First of all, I need just five minutes of your time! Actually, let's make that second. Second of all, I need just five minutes of your time. First of all, ha ha, I-I could use some antiseptic and a few bandages. Woooow, your charming Director Lizzie certainly spares no expense on her hired muscle, does she? Not to mention her hired fur, feathers, and whatever that is lodged in Security Officer Graarghie's skull! Did she do that to you? Uwaaaah, scary! The point is, while the nailbat was very persuasive, I'm a little worried about the possibility of infection! I think I could use a break to recuperate and dress these wounds. I know I haven't technically introduced myself or performed any of today's scheduled duties yet, but really, you wouldn't want a injured man's condition to get even wooooooouch!
P-point taken into consideration, not to mention into my gut, Security Officer Graarghie! I'll start over. Attention, please! Hello, kids! ☆ I'm Lieutenant Commander Hyuuga of the Black Hawks, and darling Lizzie has agreed very forcefully to take me on as Morale Officer of Camp Fuck You Die. Ha ha~ isn't my business card cute? According to this, my job is to boost the morale of all "emo kids, sticks in the mud, ninjas, pilots, anyone who's ever been CLAMPed ..." sheeeeesh ☆ how harsh life is on the kids these days! I remember the last time I got clamped. "Aya-taaaan," I said, "someday you're going to put my eye out with that whip!" And then he clamped my hand to his desk and whipped me some more. See, Graarghie-chan, you're not the only one with an unusually scary boss! A job like this is beginning to sound like a regular vacation! So you can put away the cat o' nine tails, really! We're comrades in arms now!
Sooooo~ since I haven't had the opportunity to get to know any of you kids personally, I thought it might be best to start off with a group activity. And what better way to raise our spirits in the chilly outdoors than with a great big bonfire? ♥ I was inspired! As I was shown to my new office and sat down at my new desk in front of my new inbox filled with my new 250-page contract, I thought to myself, "You know what would improve my morale right now? Burning this stack of boring paperwork!" Ha ha ☆ I think I'm already getting into the camp spirit. As you can see, I was so eager to get working that I've already started the bonfire for you. Gather around, sing songs! Roast marshmallows! In fact, I'll just take this bag with me. It's important to keep your blood sugar up when your mood goes sour!
In the meantime, I'm just going to sneak off to the onsen for a while. As Morale Officer, I have one more very important concern: my own peace of mind! After all, what good is a morale officer with low morale? If I'm stressed and unhappy, how can I attend to the needs of this camp? To best serve Lizzie, I can tell I'm going to have to dedicate myself to my own comfort. Oh well ☆ if it's what the position demands, who am I to argue? All in the name of duty! Security Officer Graarghie~ I'm going to need a towel, a bucket, a nice bottle of wine, and is there by any chance a dinner menu that I might looooow, owwwww, owwwww!
H-h-haaaarsh, Graarghie-chan! Who knew being slapped around with a trout could be so painful? O-on second thought, I think I'll skip the seafood tonight. Just a sandwich will be fiiiyyyaaaaaaaa!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Barret Wallace
Age: 37
Series: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Occupation: Recycling Organizer
Canon: THE *$&#^ING PLANET IS DYING. Its life force is being sucked out by Mako reactors and turned into fuel for everyone but the planet itself to use. So who's going to save it from collapsing in on itself? A rag-tag team of heroes, of course. They travel the world together by plane, train, and large feathery bird, chasing down that most villainous of villains, a deranged but pretty madman who just wants to cast Meteor --- and we all know what happens when rocks fall: everyone dies. After waging through near countless battles, never ending sidequests, hilarious &#*%$ing censorship, and tragedy after comedic tragedy, almost everyone made it through.
Included in said action team of planet-saving badasses is Barret Wallace, ex-terrorist at large. Growing up as a tough-talking coal miner could not have set him more straight on his path in life. When everything and everyone he loved literally died in a fire, he picked up the pieces and with his heart on his sleeve and a gun for an arm went on to become a terrorist. A terrorist who just wants to save the planet for the sake of his precious daughter, even if that means leaving her to fight and find natural resources, that is. Barret is also extremely fond of trains and train metaphors, enough that the main party knows them all by heart.
As a note: Barret speaks very much like a certain black male icon whose name begins with 'M' and ends with 'r. T'.
Sample Post:
YO! What the *$@^% is goin' on here?!
Would you jes' lookit this mess!? Shit! Didn't nobody ever tell you that you don't mess aroun' with things that don't belong to you? Now I gotta take time outta my busy schedule and fix all your damn problems. You better all be payin' attention, alright? 'Cause I'm only gonna explain this once. Here goes...
Who cares if you been here longer than anybody else? I know I don't. And nobody else ought to care either, shoot. That ain't no excuse! You all better have one damn good reason for lettin' everything go straight to *&@%! For the --- can't none of you read? This bin don't say Papers and it don't say Plastics, it says right there in them big ol' letters, People. So would you quit just tossin' all those broke-off parts everywhere?! It's this one, put 'em in! This's recyclin'! And you gotta respect it.
Shoot, at least some of you oughta be tryin'. Don't even gotta be able to read the sign if you can see what's in the barrel.
So which one of you ingrates wants to come over here and show everybody else how it's done? Si'down and give it a try, foo'. Don't you know how to work? Just close your yap and let it come on out. 'Cause if you don't hurry up, I'm gonna choo-choo-choose to bust you up. And it wouldn't be for just throwin' these hearts all over. You call this an attack? No way, there's no damage. Quit actin' like that. Yo, heart is not an element! What other lame questions do I need to answer for you?
... NO, I don't think these parts would go an' recycle themselves anyway. What kinda foo' are you? Parts is parts! They gotta get compostin' just like everything else you decided to throw out. Damn! What is this? You really think you're gonna trip me up? You think you gonna win? Let's go! Bring it! I'm not afraid of any guy who thinks it's cool to litter. #%^@$! Anybody else got one for me?
Sure, I can turn my gun arm on. It'd be real stupid if I couldn't! And -- Does it return the favor? Does it return the favor?! Who do you think you are!? Get over here an' make an example outta yourself! Damn foo', do you even know who you're talking to? Look at yourself! And if ya go all to pieces on me again at least do it in the right bin next time. Shit!
They stuck me with a buncha beginners. I can't believe it!
No more questions, none of you! I've had it up to here with this. I'm gonna make this quick an' easy for all of you. You don't go makin' any trouble and I won't have to get hard on ya. Jes' pick up your own damn mess and put everything where it belongs when you're all done and yeah, I'm talkin' to yo. Gotta all work together to clean this place up an' help out the planet. Get it? Got it? Good. And just remember, yo. The power is yours!
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. -- and a half an hour after that, CLOSED.
Character: Welkin Gunther
Series: Valkyria Chronicles
Character Age: 22
Camp Job: Scout Leader
Valkyria Chronicles is a strategy game that tells the story of Gallia - a small, picturesque border country rich in natural, magical materials and photogenic little villages - and the nation's attempts to remain neutral and independant in the face of two very loud and large neighbours having a war that is, all put together, in no way a ripoff of Switzerland circa approximately World War 1, if World War 1 had magitech tanks and super-soldiers and less mud. Taking place in this peaceful nation of forced conscription and military training for all citizens, nestled in a corner of Europa (still not Switzerland!), the game primarily follows one crack elite militia squad that has been called into service - the Number Sevens - as they and their super-custom tank, the Edelweiss, go around liberating chunks of a country that keeps getting stomped on by all comers.
Welkin Gunther is the young but able tank commander and leader of the 7s, son of a famous General and thrown into the war when soldiers assault his hometown. It would be difficult to find a better person to bring home to meet the parents - kind, calm, and noble with it, Welkin is all smiles, affability, and nice guy charm. Forceful enough to lead a squad with efficiency while kind enough to gain their respect despite prejudice and anger, he's the consummate white knight hero. His only real weakness - beyond a tendency to be kind of blinkeredly dumb and flustered as regards his love interest - is a deep and abiding joy for all things natural, be they green or brown or covered in mud or swimming in a river or kind of worryingly slimy. His knowledge is encyclopaedic but leads to a very one-track mind that can cause the occasional problem; such a brain often has, for instance, the inability to understand why comparing one's girlfriend to a king beetle is not generally considered a compliment.
Sample Post:
Alright! Sevens, fall in! Just because you're a scout troupe and not army doesn't mean you can pass up on inspection! Hans, pick up those steps! Sven, stop swinging those arms! Jann, get that head straight! I want all of you to get those back on their owner's body, on the double, and if he ends up with two left feet you'll get to be giving him another hand! Jensen, if you don't stop waving around that woggle in public, that will be five demerits; tie it up properly and tuck it back into your pants! Last of all; Kiefer, you're late - I'll remind you again the Timekeeper Badge does not mean that you should take as much as possible. That said... eh, are you quite sure you should have turned up? You're looking even peakier than usual, and you smell like you fell in a swamp. It's terrible-- are those flies?
Ah! It's true, they are! Forget the demerits, this is excellent! The wing pattern - see those tracing lines? That means this is one of the most rare and dangerous species in camp; that stinger alone can kill a man at ten paces if fired, and you've got one sitting right on your nose! What an amazing find; keep it still while I make a sketch. All the rest of you, look here: you can actually see the blood and ichor being pumped up out of the hole it's dug in Kiefer's forehead as it feeds. What an amazing view it gives~! It's a little unorthodox, but I'd say given the circumstances this absolutely applies for the Sightseer Badge--ah? Oh.
No, Kiefer. I insist; that little guy is your find, I couldn't possibly take it from you. It's no use moaning about it. You've got a fine head on your shoulders, often for twenty minutes at a time, and you've done an excellent job already at keeping it sheltered. All you need to do is show it you've got a big heart and it'll be a happy, well-fed pet in no time.
Then, we should get to business. It's a little unorthodox, again, but we need to pull the Edelweiss out of that bog - without ropes, this is a perfect time to show you the power of vines! The ones around here are fibrous enough that they make a perfect hemp-like rope, and there's the added bonus that they grab onto anything nearby! With these we'll have the tank out and happy in no time, don't you see; it's like evolution made them rigged for our pleasure. To tie them together, we'll use a rabbit knot. Watch: this end forms a loop and becomes our rabbit, who goes down and pops back up through the hole. Then we stop it from choking us - full marks, Jann, please help Hans before he turns even more green - and send it back down the rabbit hole! Tighten, and you've got one rope!
... Excellent! That's exactly it! Once you've made one rabbit the next will be easier, and once you've made two they practically start making themselves! After that, that's... ... that's a lot of rabbits.
Poll Vote!
Character: L
Series: Death Note
Character Age: 24
Job: Candy Inspector
Canon: The Death Note is a notebook capable of killing anyone whose name is written on its pages; but according to Yagami Light, it's justice. Known as the mysterious killer "Kira", Light has taken it upon himself to judge those who the law has failed in hopes of cleansing the world of evil, creating a "new" world that he'll stand at the top of as a God. But despite the overwhelming support the public has for Kira, there are those who believe that he is nothing but a murderer. And despite the risk of being killed himself, it's L's goal to bring Kira to justice. As the top detective in the world, L has never lost a case, choosing them based on his personal interest; so it's no surprise that the Kira investigation would pique his curiosity. For every step Light takes, L is right behind him, slowing putting the pieces together to figure out Kira's mysterious methods of killing.
But according to L, he and Kira are the same; that they are both immature and hate to lose. However, he is dead-set on his beliefs, suspecting that Light is Kira to his face, while at the same time calling him the first real friend he's ever made. With a love of sweets and a preference of crouching in chairs instead of sitting normally (it decreases his investigative abilities by 40%, you know) it's not surprising that people find him to be a bit, well, weird.
Sample Post:
Residents of Camp Fuck You Die, good afternoon. You may call me L.
It has been brought to my attention that there is a problem in this encampment regarding the sweets the populace has been consuming. Cheap, inexpensive off-brand candy has been distributed in place of higher quality name brands, resulting in a 38% increase in stomachaches and other such effects. Not only that, but my investigation has also found that there are name brands in circulation that were left over from past holidays; Halloween candy from last year, and in some cases, the year before that. This brings the percentage to an overwhelming 46.7%.
This is unacceptable.
However, quantity over quality is not always the best method, and I believe that the information I have gathered proves it. You, the campers, should still be allowed access to candy you can enjoy, not suffer from. I have taken it upon myself to make this happen, that the candy you are given from now on is both delicious and abides by whatever rules are already in place, as it's clear that there is some sort of discrimination against products containing sugar in effect. I will make sure that you have access to name brand sweets that have been thoroughly tested and proven safe for consumption. I believe this will cause the percentage I mentioned earlier to drop dramatically.
Not only that, but I will find the persons responsible for this as well. They have been allowed free reign with your candy for too long, and it's time that someone discovers their identities and makes them pay for their crimes. I fully encourage those with information regarding this matter to contact me. An investigation team to handle these tips will be assembled and we will be working to handle this matter as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Despite this, I am giving the criminals the option of stepping forward and revealing themselves. Mercy will be shown to those brave enough to do this. For those who do not, the harshest of punishments will be dealt. Candy is serious business, no matter what you believe or what you've been told. If you think I'm bluffing, feel free to continue as you are. It's only a matter of time.
Camp Fuck You Die, thank you for your time. I, L, promise that I will bring these criminals to justice.
Poll Vote!
Character: Maes Hughes
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist
Character Age: Early 30's
Job: Family Values Counselor
Canon: Fullmetal Alchemist is the story of brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric who tried to bring their mother back to life, failed, and screwed themselves over in the process. In an attempt to fix this, Edward joins the military. This becomes relevant when you find out that the military is actually full of corruption, political scandals, and inhuman beings trying to turn everyone into living sacrifices.
Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes is one of the friendly faces Edward meets upon entering the military. Hughes is part of the uncorrupted side of it, and one of the sharpest guys around. In fact, he's the one who unravels the military's dirt ages before everyone else does. But his intellect is often overlooked by his peers in favor of his cheerful attitude and somewhat eccentric behavior. People find it hard to take seriously a man who's okay with inviting virtual strangers for pie and flashes wallet-sized pictures of his family left and right. He brags endlessly about his daughter Elysia--she's three years old now! And the cutest girl ever. And his wife, Gracia-- the best wife in the whole wide world! And why wouldn't he brag? After all, everyone would want girls like his. In short, Hughes thinks having a family is THE BEST THING EVER and that everyone should experience the joy and healing light one brings to their lives! Especially if your name is Roy Mustang.
Sample Post:
~ ♥ HELLO YOUNG CAMPERS ♥ ~ I am Maes Hughes, your brand new Family Values Counselor. Now, I know this seems like a strange job, but family values are exactly what this place is missing to have a truly homey environment. And I am the perfect man for the job! I already happen to be a proud husband and father-- here, I have some ~pictures~ That's my Elysia, don't you just want to hug her~? Anyway, where were we? Right. Everyone should experience the love that a caring family provides. The problem with this place is that a lot of you are estranged from your families. That won't do. Honestly, it's very sad! Especially to someone like me who has such a wonderful wife and daughter~ Elysia is three now, this one's from her last birthday. Eh. I've taken the liberty to add pictures of her to all the camp brochures so you can all have a copy. ♥
Anyway, I know there are terrible cases of blood-relatives doing very bad things to each other. There's no need to get into specifics, I'm sure some of you have dealt with them. However that doesn't mean you can't have a family outside of your real family. You don't need blood ties to love your father! And maybe your mother sold you to a stranger when you were a child, or maybe you were betrayed by your uncle, or your twin tried to kill you! Although these are horrible things, but you should let go of it. I am here to teach you to forgive and forget. To love and be loved in return! For that is, after all, the greatest thing you'll ever learn.
Ah, maybe you're thinking "but I could never have a family." You're wrong! It doesn't matter if you're an orphan, a clone, a robot or Roy Mustang. Worry not. Everyone can have a family, no matter where they come from. I will help you find what you need, maybe a mother, an older brother, a girlfriend, a gay uncle -everyone needs a gay uncle!- or one of those annoying old aunts who pinch your cheeks and call you sweetie! And I will personally make sure that you all fit together almost as perfectly as I do with my own family! And this is a picture my wife Gracia, isn't she simply the most beautiful woman you've ever seen? Ah~ you're jealous, aren't you? Of course you are. Who wouldn't be? ♥
To begin, I think we should start with individual interviews. What kind of relatives would you like? Which role would you have in it? And could I have a copy of this fabled "camp family tree"?
That's an awfully complicated chart, isn't it? Does anyone have a marker?
...
Ah... what is this? These people have the same last name but... oh... oh. Well, I'll just highlight these. These are not okay and we'll have a special lesson to explain why.
Poll Vote!
Character: Doctor Percival "Perry" Cox
Series: Scrubs
Character age: 47
Job: Honorable Purveyor of the Clue By Four
Canon: If you put E.R, Cheers and the Wizard of Oz in a room together and had them engage in a threesome, the lovechild you'd get from it would probably be Scrubs. The show follows life in American hospital Sacred Heart through the eyes of fledgling doctor John "J.D" Dorian, who is half doctor and half daydream, and is a rampant cakewalk through fantasies, comedic moments, and every now and then a good sharp kick in the heart. And, of course, every story of young people finding their feet in the world just needs a mentor.
Doctor Perry Cox would give his eye teeth not to be that man. Sour, cantankerous and incredibly edgy, Cox is "House without the limp." He rarely has a kind word to say about anyone; when he does, you know for a fact that they've earned it, because he's incredibly difficult to please. A talkative, straightforward man who enjoys football and liquor far too much, Cox is entirely unafraid to tell you just how much you suck, why you are sucking, and just how long you will be sucking for until you manage to pull your head out of your ass and actually get on with doing something sensible. In fact, he can often be found bitterly ranting about nothing. Despite his nature, however, he is a brilliant doctor with a lot of pride in his work, and he does have a softer side, shown largely to his son Jack and occasionally to Jack's mother Jordan when she's not being psychotic - but you're damn right in thinking that he'll never show it to the general public.
Sample Post:
Ladies and gentlemen. I want your attention, so can we please for a moment cease all cries for a good piece of cranium! In other words, shut up because I know, oh, at least eight different creative things to do with your spleens. Thank you.
Now, I've been a doctor for a long time. For some of you, it'll be as long as you've been alive, though god knows how long you've been rotting like that. And I have to say, I've never seen such a huge pile of medical problems since the one time I treated this guy who hadn't left his bedroom in twenty years - trust me, there was toe mold on his toe mold. Let's use you as an example, lady. There's plenty of things we could say, but nothing more telling than that there's a large hole where some of your skull ought to be. That's right, you've got a bit of brain showing. Speaking of which, let's talk about another observation I've made that is just bang on: no wonder you people are crying out for the old gray matter! You clearly need new ones, because if yours were functioning you'd have re-eeee-aaally tried harder with your personal hygiene issues. But, the good news! You lot seem to be what one technically calls undead. Not my area. So, you might ask me "Doctor Cox! Buddy! Why would you go through telling us just how disgusting we are if you're not going to do anything about it?" - or you might ask that if you could actually think, which I doubt - and let me tell what my answer would be. It would be because I can. Because it is now my job.
That's right! It seems my function in this godforsaken place is to tell people exactly what they're doing wrong! And let me tell you something, friends. That is something I do for free. In fact, I find the fact that someone would ask me to do it as a camp counselor genuinely hilarious, because while I was aware that kids who come to these camps spend all night crying for mommy and daddy in their little log cabins, I didn't think "shattering the illusions of little children everywhere" was really the ethos of places like these. Still, with a name like "Fuck You Die", I won't be betting the big bucks on that. Anyway! While I'm here, I might as well do my appointed task, right? Well, friends, take it from me. This camp is an unsanitary, disgusting hellhole, the woman in charge of it is obviously a psychotic bitch akin to my ex-wife, and just when it seems you've found a positive, let's say, an attractive woman to stare at, it turns out that said woman is, in fact, ding ding! Survey says: a boy.
With all of this in mind, allow me to conclude: I'd say this place's only saving grace is the fact I'm being paid to tell you just how this place sucks like a hooker who's been taking lessons from a particularly efficient vacuum cleaner. Thank you, I'll be here all week. And then some.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Vexen
Character Age: Appears to be in his fourties. Technically? 9 years old
Canon: Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (The version I am hoping to app is finely-brewed, homogeneous blend of Re: and Manga canon)
Character Job: Scientific Experimentation Senior Manager
Canon: Kingdom Hearts is about a young boy's quest against creatures made of hearts lost to the darkness, who threaten a multitude of worlds. Like most grand plots, the Heartless are not quite so simple as they might seem: if a heart is removed or lost to the darkness, sometimes it leaves behind a living, thinking shell called a Nobody. Chain of Memories introduces the Nobodies as enemies and a particularly political group known as the Organization, who are very good at screwing with our plucky protagonists (and commercial marketing, but hey, you have to fund your goals somehow.)
Filling the necessary role of creepy mad scientist is Vexen, a Nobody who is both one of the original six and appears to be one of the eldest in general. As a scientist, Vexen is brilliant, knowledgeable in the study and manipulation of memories, as well as replication of data... and entire people. He just so happens to ALSO be rather excitable, prideful, quick to anger and even fuzzier on the word 'morals' than most of the Organization. Vexen demands absolute respect based his age and the validity of SCIENCE as a method in the most obnoxious ways possible. Also, lacking any conventional social skills, Vexen can wander off on some bizarre tangents and conclusions at the worst times, sometimes completely derailing himself over a trivial point.
Sample post:
These answers... What kind of research facility is this? If nothing else, I expected a greater dedication to science than this hodgepodge! Starting with what should be obvious, the means of making a hormone is not to 'not pay her,' a vampire is not a hemo-goblin... nor a homo-gobbler. I don't even understand where that came from... youth these days! Incapable of thinking beyond their ... bits! And there is no such formula as E(TOH)=MCHAMMERED no matter what addled logic may have prompted your answers to my survey of "Your Favorite Science Fact."
Given the sample data I've collected, I really see no other choice whatsoever but to go back to the basics! Yes! The very building block upon which SCIENCE is based, the scientific method. For example, you say the lake is dangerous, correct? I have yet to see one paper methodically documenting how it differs from any other body of water here! One person shall wade waist deep into the onsen, and the rest of you will go to an equal depth of the lake. I, of course, will observe and document the events properly from this puddle. Now, if this is cl-
Are you ignoring me? ARE YOU IGNORING ME?! You cannot just walk away in the middle of such an important experiment! I am a counselor! YOU ARE A CAMPER! By these standards, it can be inferred that I am not only older, and thus WELL DESERVING of respect on its own, but I AM IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY AND YOU NEED TO DO WHAT I SA- ... Weapons. I see how it is, now.
Do not believe you have undermined my control already. Did you really think I would be so foolish as to come unprepared? From my own observations, I have noted that there is a wide power level spectrum in the campers here, YET the wildlife is one factor of which all are particularly wary, due to several yet to be identified variables present in their nature. While I haven't had the time to properly investigate them... My course of action only follows naturally!
I have not only replicated one of your 'cowbots' in an absolutely perfect and flawless manner, but ON TOP OF THAT I have modified it to be a Scientific Assistant laptop accessory in a crowning stroke of brilliance! It will, accordingly, be rounding you up so that you may have the honor of participating in such a landmark of scientific development within this encampment! To this end, I've given it a Subject Enforcement Program which puts its horns to the greatest use, and yet is still able to perform complex calculations with minimal input!
I have named it iGOR.
... ... ...
... That WAS particularly clever, wasn't it?
Poll Vote!
Character: Ali al-Saachez
Series: Mobile Suit Gundam 00
Character age: 35
Job: Babysitter
Canon: Like most giant robot shows, Gundam 00 is the story of a group of young people whose lives have been so traumatizing that they wind up in giant robots trying to establish peace by blowing up sources of war. And if you're a character in 00 with friends or family members who were shot, shanked, or exploded, it's probably Ali al-Saachez's fault.
Ali has a knack for getting into - and, well, causing - global conflict. A self-confessed war addict and "terrible man," Ali wins the title of Worst Mentor Ever for sweet-talking protagonist Setsuna F. Seiei and other small children into murdering their parents and joining him in his "holy war" over alternative energy. Ali explodes into the main plot years later when the heroes attack his mercenary employers, then proceeds to harass Setsuna and posse on battlefields around the world. Though Ali is capable of shaving his soulpatch, putting on a suit, and acting charming around people he needs something from, his inner warmonger starts to leak out once he's gotten what he wants - with the unfortunate side-effects of reporters knifed in back alleys, hijacked Gundams, little things like that! Wild, ruthless, clever, and loyal only to himself, Ali delights in the chaos around him... and how wonderfully it pays.
Sample Post:
Well, this unbreakable barrier-whatever sure has made a mess of you kids! There's so much that a swamp full of impressionable, directionless young people could be doing out in the world, you know? But while you're stuck here without anything to do, as your responsible babysitter I'll happily make sure you pick up something useful.
First things first. Is it really healthy for young people to spend so much time inside? Some of you spend way too much time in front of a computer screen, when you should be outdoors, wading through snake-filled swamps, dodging lava flows, navigating mine-fields, evading aerial bombardments… the great outdoors will always be an interesting place for young people. If you're at a laptop right now, you should go for a long, healthy swim, instead. And yes, I understand that some of you have your concerns about the lake, but I'm a bit busy right now. Can we talk about the dangers of vicious, saw-toothed alligators some other time?
For those of you who are just frustrated to be here, there's no reason to keep it all bottled up when there are plenty of ways to let that feeling out. What do kids like to play again? Tag? Pin the tentacles on the slow camper? Duck, duck, cabin on fire? Dodgeball? Whatever! That'll be good exercise for you lot. Don't worry about the lack of equipment - you've got arms, you've got rocks, and you've got each other. Enjoy.
And the rest of you, well, you might as well practice something you can take home with you - if you brats have a home left. Whether you stay stuck in this shithole forever or you break the hell out of this swamp, you'll be fighting for the rest of your miserable lives - so grab a paintball gun and get ready. No jerseys or team colors: the only thing that matters is making sure you're the one standing at the end. Think of it as practice for the big ugly world.
But to really make the most of it, there's something you runts have to do first: swap those paint pellets out with the cartridges I'll pass round. If you feel like complaining when the guns only shoot red, well - what's the motto here again?
Fuck you. Die.
Have fun, brats!
Poll Vote!
Character: Lieutenant Commander Hyuuga
Series: 07-Ghost
Age: appears mid/late 20s
Job: Morale Officer
Canon: (contains some spoilers) Once upon a time, the shinigami Verloren killed the daughter of the Chief of Heaven. Banished to Earth and trapped in the cycle of reincarnation for eternity, Verloren now resides in a series of human bodies, seeking to reclaim his sealed power and create strife for humanity. That's right, in the world of 07-Ghost, evil walks among us. And only one man has the power to ... call it cutesy nicknames, invade its personal space, and make fun of its hat. Lt. Commander Hyuuga is Ayanami/Verloren's most trusted officer, and with good reason; he is obsessively dedicated to "Aya-tan" and has the skills to back him up. This is a man who can use a sword to slice apart a moving aircraft. While standing on top of another moving aircraft.
Unfortunately for his coworkers, Hyuuga's powers of Badass are outstripped only by his powers of Slacking and Retardation. He can usually be found eating candy, doodling all over important documents, taking breaks from his work when he hasn't done any work, making up ridiculous excuses, or adopting small children and then foisting them off on his assistant to raise. Hyuuga is an easygoing, cheerful, playful kind of guy who always makes his job look effortless, either because he's very very good at it or because he's just not putting in any effort. Due to the latter, he's also the frequent target of frustration and violence from his coworkers, especially Ayanami, who never misses an opportunity to physically abuse Hyuuga in creative ways. Still, Hyuuga takes his lumps and remains devoted to his unit, doing his part to keep the mood light and everyone's spirits up. And if this just happens to involve pissing them off several times a day, well, so be it!
As a note, Hyuuga abuses ☆ in his dialogue.
Sample Post:
Attention, please! Hello, kids! ☆ First of all, I need just five minutes of your time! Actually, let's make that second. Second of all, I need just five minutes of your time. First of all, ha ha, I-I could use some antiseptic and a few bandages. Woooow, your charming Director Lizzie certainly spares no expense on her hired muscle, does she? Not to mention her hired fur, feathers, and whatever that is lodged in Security Officer Graarghie's skull! Did she do that to you? Uwaaaah, scary! The point is, while the nailbat was very persuasive, I'm a little worried about the possibility of infection! I think I could use a break to recuperate and dress these wounds. I know I haven't technically introduced myself or performed any of today's scheduled duties yet, but really, you wouldn't want a injured man's condition to get even wooooooouch!
P-point taken into consideration, not to mention into my gut, Security Officer Graarghie! I'll start over. Attention, please! Hello, kids! ☆ I'm Lieutenant Commander Hyuuga of the Black Hawks, and darling Lizzie has agreed very forcefully to take me on as Morale Officer of Camp Fuck You Die. Ha ha~ isn't my business card cute? According to this, my job is to boost the morale of all "emo kids, sticks in the mud, ninjas, pilots, anyone who's ever been CLAMPed ..." sheeeeesh ☆ how harsh life is on the kids these days! I remember the last time I got clamped. "Aya-taaaan," I said, "someday you're going to put my eye out with that whip!" And then he clamped my hand to his desk and whipped me some more. See, Graarghie-chan, you're not the only one with an unusually scary boss! A job like this is beginning to sound like a regular vacation! So you can put away the cat o' nine tails, really! We're comrades in arms now!
Sooooo~ since I haven't had the opportunity to get to know any of you kids personally, I thought it might be best to start off with a group activity. And what better way to raise our spirits in the chilly outdoors than with a great big bonfire? ♥ I was inspired! As I was shown to my new office and sat down at my new desk in front of my new inbox filled with my new 250-page contract, I thought to myself, "You know what would improve my morale right now? Burning this stack of boring paperwork!" Ha ha ☆ I think I'm already getting into the camp spirit. As you can see, I was so eager to get working that I've already started the bonfire for you. Gather around, sing songs! Roast marshmallows! In fact, I'll just take this bag with me. It's important to keep your blood sugar up when your mood goes sour!
In the meantime, I'm just going to sneak off to the onsen for a while. As Morale Officer, I have one more very important concern: my own peace of mind! After all, what good is a morale officer with low morale? If I'm stressed and unhappy, how can I attend to the needs of this camp? To best serve Lizzie, I can tell I'm going to have to dedicate myself to my own comfort. Oh well ☆ if it's what the position demands, who am I to argue? All in the name of duty! Security Officer Graarghie~ I'm going to need a towel, a bucket, a nice bottle of wine, and is there by any chance a dinner menu that I might looooow, owwwww, owwwww!
H-h-haaaarsh, Graarghie-chan! Who knew being slapped around with a trout could be so painful? O-on second thought, I think I'll skip the seafood tonight. Just a sandwich will be fiiiyyyaaaaaaaa!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Barret Wallace
Age: 37
Series: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Occupation: Recycling Organizer
Canon: THE *$&#^ING PLANET IS DYING. Its life force is being sucked out by Mako reactors and turned into fuel for everyone but the planet itself to use. So who's going to save it from collapsing in on itself? A rag-tag team of heroes, of course. They travel the world together by plane, train, and large feathery bird, chasing down that most villainous of villains, a deranged but pretty madman who just wants to cast Meteor --- and we all know what happens when rocks fall: everyone dies. After waging through near countless battles, never ending sidequests, hilarious &#*%$ing censorship, and tragedy after comedic tragedy, almost everyone made it through.
Included in said action team of planet-saving badasses is Barret Wallace, ex-terrorist at large. Growing up as a tough-talking coal miner could not have set him more straight on his path in life. When everything and everyone he loved literally died in a fire, he picked up the pieces and with his heart on his sleeve and a gun for an arm went on to become a terrorist. A terrorist who just wants to save the planet for the sake of his precious daughter, even if that means leaving her to fight and find natural resources, that is. Barret is also extremely fond of trains and train metaphors, enough that the main party knows them all by heart.
As a note: Barret speaks very much like a certain black male icon whose name begins with 'M' and ends with 'r. T'.
Sample Post:
YO! What the *$@^% is goin' on here?!
Would you jes' lookit this mess!? Shit! Didn't nobody ever tell you that you don't mess aroun' with things that don't belong to you? Now I gotta take time outta my busy schedule and fix all your damn problems. You better all be payin' attention, alright? 'Cause I'm only gonna explain this once. Here goes...
Who cares if you been here longer than anybody else? I know I don't. And nobody else ought to care either, shoot. That ain't no excuse! You all better have one damn good reason for lettin' everything go straight to *&@%! For the --- can't none of you read? This bin don't say Papers and it don't say Plastics, it says right there in them big ol' letters, People. So would you quit just tossin' all those broke-off parts everywhere?! It's this one, put 'em in! This's recyclin'! And you gotta respect it.
Shoot, at least some of you oughta be tryin'. Don't even gotta be able to read the sign if you can see what's in the barrel.
So which one of you ingrates wants to come over here and show everybody else how it's done? Si'down and give it a try, foo'. Don't you know how to work? Just close your yap and let it come on out. 'Cause if you don't hurry up, I'm gonna choo-choo-choose to bust you up. And it wouldn't be for just throwin' these hearts all over. You call this an attack? No way, there's no damage. Quit actin' like that. Yo, heart is not an element! What other lame questions do I need to answer for you?
... NO, I don't think these parts would go an' recycle themselves anyway. What kinda foo' are you? Parts is parts! They gotta get compostin' just like everything else you decided to throw out. Damn! What is this? You really think you're gonna trip me up? You think you gonna win? Let's go! Bring it! I'm not afraid of any guy who thinks it's cool to litter. #%^@$! Anybody else got one for me?
Sure, I can turn my gun arm on. It'd be real stupid if I couldn't! And -- Does it return the favor? Does it return the favor?! Who do you think you are!? Get over here an' make an example outta yourself! Damn foo', do you even know who you're talking to? Look at yourself! And if ya go all to pieces on me again at least do it in the right bin next time. Shit!
They stuck me with a buncha beginners. I can't believe it!
No more questions, none of you! I've had it up to here with this. I'm gonna make this quick an' easy for all of you. You don't go makin' any trouble and I won't have to get hard on ya. Jes' pick up your own damn mess and put everything where it belongs when you're all done and yeah, I'm talkin' to yo. Gotta all work together to clean this place up an' help out the planet. Get it? Got it? Good. And just remember, yo. The power is yours!
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