(no subject)
Heeeeeeeeere's another round /o/
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed.
Name: John Michael "J.D." Dorian
Series: Scrubs
Age: Late-20s
Job: Relationship Counselor
Canon: Scrubs is an American TV comedy-drama focusing on the lives of the doctors, interns, residents, nurses and so forth of Sacred Heart Hospital. Our hero and narrator of the story is J.D., as he provides us with insights and hilarious crack-filled daydreams into the inner workings of the public hospital system, the personal lives of he and his friends, and sometimes even life itself. They may also occasionally include rainbows, unicorns and whiskers on kittens, but hey, who's to judge?
Daydreams aside, you shouldn't get the impression that J.D. is an incompetent doctor-- far from it. He is often shown to be passionate to the point of nerdiness about his work, though this does leave his sensitive side blindingly obvious to all those around him. You would think this would make him an instant hit with single women, but he pretty much fails in that area too. It's not his fault that he's a little dysfunctional at worst and quirky at best though, right? Narrating your own life and continuing to look up to the one person who constantly verbally abuses you is a perfectly normal, every day thing. ... Well, for J.D., anyway.
Sample Post:
... It was on that fateful day that I realised what the swamps of Louisiana were really like. Dark, dangerous, and... you know, I think I saw a porno like this once. Or was it a dream? But I mean, you've got the gorillas in tutus doing the swan dive into the swamp inhabited by a tentacle monster, and oh... but where is the chocolate Santa? It just isn't right. I mean, failing that, there should at least be three giant sentient flower-aliens threatening to take over the world with the Eiffel Tower looming in the background. I'm still not really clear on what it all means, but I'm sure it's not that important. It's not as if anyone ever actually believes all that dream symbolism stuff anyway, right?
I'm not quite sure where the zombies come in yet, though. To be honest, at first I thought they were a little 80s B-movie, but you know what? I'm a deep man. I can see past all that to the real meaning beyond. Why, it's almost as if they're a beacon of light, calling out to me... a message from above, if you will. "John Dorian ... take heed! This is what your patients could become," you know, in the booming voice with the choir of angels and everything. Oh, but of course! It's so obvious! Now I know my true purpose here. My job at this poor, disease-ridden camp is to be... a relationship counselor?! Bzzt! J.D., J.D., paging Doctor John Dorian, you're needed in reality!
Haha, well now. Relationship counselor indeed. I can't deny that my... somewhat indefinable yet irresistable allure has led to many an entanglement. And okay, maybe a few of those ended badly, but those times were totally and completely never my fault. Mostly. Like that one time at band camp, with that girl... and her trumpet. But she was crazy, how was I supposed to know she had an unnatural yet somehow kind of sexy fixation on Mickey Mouse? I mean, I was willing to wear the ears and everything, but the tail was taking it a little too far. Anyway! That's not the point. The point is that I am the man for this job! Yeah! I can DO this! I am the RELATIONSHIP KING! Free relationships for everyone, courtesy of J.D.! ... Wait. I think there was something fundamentally wrong with that sentence.
Unfortunate wording errors aside, it's clear to me that just like that girl, this camp is in desperate need of a dashing young doctor such as myself to help heal its' wounds, be they relationship troubles or otherwise! You could almost say I'm like Superman, or a Jedi of sorts... saving the world, one hot and foxy damsel at a time! Oh yeah, I could get used to this.
... Uh. Pass on the zombie damsels, though. Unless they come covered in bubble wrap. Mmmm, bubble wrap.
Poll Vote!
Character: Basch Fon Ronsenburg
Series: Final Fantasy XII
Age: 36
Job: Virtuous Defender of Maidens, Children, and Possibly Small Animals Within Perilous Situations
Canon: War ravages the world of Ivalice. To avoid further bloodshed, the King of Dalmasca seeks to sign a treaty of surrender to the Archadian Empire, only to be betrayed and killed by one of his very own knights before his pen can touch the paper. Thus resulting in a country of pissed-off Dalmascans and a one hell of lot of terrorists ready to take back their home. It's left to our party of heroes, ranging from princess to commoners to sky pirates, to attempt to restore peace to Dalmasca. Of course, no one ever said over throwing an empire would be a piece of cake.
Loyal, patriotic, and so gar that Chuck Norris would tip his hat to this fellow, Basch certainly lives up to his position of Captain of the Order of the Knights. It's then no small surprise when he suddenly turns his sword on his own king. But, in a shocking twist worthy of a soap opera, it turns out the poor guy was really just set up by his devious twin brother. Despite casting him as a traitor, this turn of events doesn't vex Basch. Strong and determined, he instead strives to regain his honour and continues to act in whatever way most benefits the country in which he serves. While he tends to be a man of few words, Basch is known to speak his opinions firmly, and even display a bit of dry wit when the situation calls for it.
Sample Post:
Surely, the fates jest. Though I have been assured a message of "be right back" will reach my Lord within the hour, I find myself still discomforted at being taken from my post and brought into a swampland to fill a position at the request of the Lady Director. Be assured, I appreciate that my Greatly Assertive and Robust --or G.A.R, as I have been told-- skills have been deemed suitable for this task, but I must request that my time here to not be held over late. I already have spent the day persuading children to remain far from those bearing candy in white vehicles, and rescuing all creatures from reptiles to rodents from the many, many arms of the beast you call Marcy. Pray tell, what more would you have of me?
--You wish for an escort, my Lady? Then allow me to lend you aid. Please, do not let my previous words put you at ill ease. I intend to fulfill my position here to the best of my abilities, and should you have need of me I will neither give up, let you down, nor run about and desert you. If you require my sword, then you shall have it. Although, I fear you are misinformed. I assure you the size of the blade matters little, it is how it's put to use that counts. And should the situation call for such action I am fully prepared to demonstrate the truth of this statement myself. Do not doubt my experience, and yes, I guarantee that I am able to handle my weapon quite well.
Now, what of our destination? The encampment? I have heard little more of the place than it being a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but if you believe that the brains you seek are there, then we should be off. I do not trust the look of those gorillas by the tree line and think it best that we leave now. The one bearing the undergarments seems particularly suspicious. It may be better if we managed to avoid conflict for this time.
How long do you propose it will be until reaching our destination? I ask on the grounds that should we not be there by sundown I think it best that we make camp for the night. My Lady, you say you fear of something known as the grue? I ask you, do not worry of what may lurk in the dark, even if it has the potential of eating us, as you say. Fear not, for I do not take rest. I wait.
Poll Vote!
Character: Soulcatcher
Series: The Black Company
Character age: appears in her 20s
Job: Dispute resolution
Canon: The Black Company series follows the adventures of a group of daring heroes who -- no, who are we kidding? They're a bunch of mercenaries working for the highest-bidding evil, front-line shock troops in wars instigated by murderous gods, undead mages, and other folks you generally don't want to run into in dark alleys. The first few books in their story revolve around their entanglement with an empire in the midst of a civil war due not only to the rebellion against the local evil overlord (or rather, lady) but also the squabbles among the top-ranking minions, a group of fresh-from-their-mass-grave sorcerers called the Ten Who Were Taken.
Made up of equal parts magic, crazy, and black leather, Soulcatcher is the most persistent and the most playful of the Taken. She's the one who first makes the Black Company an offer they can't refuse, in order to toss them into the chaos of the empire's war. It's not whether they win or lose -- it's how much she can make them squirm as they play the game. She's perceptive enough to use people's own worst nature against them, and prefers to trick people into turning on each other rather than attack problems head-on. Every once in a while she seems to feel compassion and human decency, but don't let your guard down...it's a trap.
Sample post:
Ah, that's not polite, asking for someone's help and then trapping them behind a magical barrier. Understandable, perhaps, but not polite. At least it's a step up from the last time someone tried to seal me away. The undead are much more fun than the just plain dead. I expect I could find myself rather taken with this place -- there's plenty here to keep me entertained for a decade or two. I suppose out of courtesy I'll give this Director's demands a bit of attention. Though really, what sort of a dread-inspiring name is that? She should try for something more evocative. Kidnapper or Badtoucher or even The Drapist might be better. ...Still, she's brought me here; I can play her game for now. She did at least have the forethought to provide me with a letter describing the mission she wants undertaken.
Prisoners of Camp Fuck You Die, good evening! I understand you've been having an ongoing dispute over responsibility, and I'm here to help you settle the issue. I hear there's been a murder -- huh, only one, and she's this upset? -- ah, excuse me. A murder that's gone unsolved, and nobody seems willing to confess. Well, that's human nature. But more to the point, nobody seems willing to turn in the guilty party. You need motivation. So here's my offer: I'm going to leave this pedestal here, in the middle of camp, and one of you is going to put the murderer's head in it. Simple enough, right? For a reward, I'm allowed to offer you...an exemption from the ban on sugar, it says here. That's it? Not even an exemption from the rest of the rules? That's not nearly enough to set you at each other's throats. Instead, let's have a deadly plague. Nobody gets cured until somebody gives me head. The head. Whatever.
...The death is a lie? That's terrible. I'm listening; tell me all about it. I may have to revise my opinion of the Director if she's made a mistake like that. And if there's no murder then there's no killer, and there's nobody for you to turn in! What a shame. And how presumptuous of the Director to bring me here under false pretenses. I was fond of that solution, too.
Well, it still works! It just needs a little adjustment. Instead of finding the killer, I want you to track down the Director, and bring me her head instead. But since I know that'll be more difficult than just fighting amongst yourselves, I'm willing to offer you both rewards: lifting the sugar ban and ending the plague. That sounds generous, doesn't it? So what'll it be, campers -- cake or death?
Poll Vote!
Character: Frederic Francois Chopin
Series: Eternal Sonata
Character Age: 39
Job: Piano Instructor
Canon: What happens when you take a famous 19th century composer and put him into an RPG? The answer: Eternal Sonata. Eternal Sonata follows the story of a man whom many might be familiar with. This man's name is Frederic Francois Chopin, the 19th century Polish pianist. While on his deathbed, Chopin has a dream of a fantastic world where everything has music terminology connected to it. Here in this musical dream world, he meets a girl named Polka who's terminally ill. Together, along with many other companions, they set off on a journey that changes not only Chopin's fate as he knows it, but everyone in his dream world as well.
As for Chopin himself, he's the sheer image of a gentleman. Politeness, formality, manners, and grace are among the many words to describe this image. In this sense, one would say he's almost the perfect gentleman. Someone of true nobility and aristocratic flare as well. Upon the battlefield however, a darker nature can be seen. It's an almost evil side to him that only those who anger him will ever see. Cruel, cynical, firm, and cold would be words to describe the side of darkness. The wise should take such a thing into consideration, don't anger him and you'll be fine.
Sample Post:
I believe starting with an introduction would be the most appropriate thing to do, since I am in a world that doesn't appear to be of my own. Therefore it's best to forget the past and focus on the present in this current situation. I should also concentrate on being humble to greet others around me with an air of gentlemanly grace as well. I do not wish to come off as rude or ignorant of those among this establishment. With that taken to mind, I will begin my introduction. Good morning to all of you and I thank your Director for offering a job to me. My name is Frederic Francois Chopin; it is a pleasure to meet such astonishing people. As for my reasons of being here, I've been asked to instruct piano at this camp, teaching the fine art of reading and playing piano music. I truly hope you will enjoy my teaching and find a certain joy when hearing the wonderful music a piano can create.
While this certainly isn't such a horrible place, it isn't exactly a setting I am all too familiar with. It may not be Warsaw, Paris, or the dream world of mine; I may be able to adjust here if I believe enough. The only things that seems to stick out to me is that the name of this place seems rather bizarre in itself, as are some of the locals here in it. I've seen my fair share of strange creatures, but nothing like these. I must say though, despite their strange characteristics, they seem to take a rather fondness towards piano music. I know these "zombies" as they are called belong to the undead species, however one would not think of them to take music so wholeheartedly. That's if they still have some heart left in their almost lifeless corpse. I'll have to figure that out through much research of their reactions to certain events. In the time now that I am with these zombies, I think it could be quite splendid to know they wish to try their hands at piano itself.
With the introductions and greetings put aside, I think the lessons can begin. May I have your name? "Urrgh"? I think we shall call you Mister Fiddle instead. Now Mister Fiddle, if you could please look at these notes I've prepared for your lessons. Sir, please do not eat the paper and put your finger that fell off back on. You need to be in one piece and able to understand the notes if you are truly willing to become a pianist. Moving onto step two of the lesson, place your finger on the furthest key to your left then go all the way to the key furthest to your right. When you're done that, try tapping on the keys as I say the notes. Do mi so mi do mi so mi fa la. Good work, you seem to understand this better. Keep going along, but instead tap along with these notes. Do mi so do do so mi do. Splendid, you already know how to play your scales and arpeggios. Hmm? Oh, it would seem we have some of your friends coming to watch you practice. Sir, it's understandable to be nervous, but don't fall apart over it. I used to be nervous in my youth when I first played, which is why I'm giving advice to help you.
Now see…Instead of taking my advice into consideration, you've already gone and caused your fingers to fall off along with an eyeball due to stress. You might want to put yourself back together if you want to be presentable. You might also want to sit up a bit more, for better posture. Thinking upon this, being an instructor here might be a lot harder than I thought.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Keith Anyan
Series: Toward the Terra
Character Age: early to mid 30s
Job: Network System Overlord
Canon: Humans have relocated to various planets after all but destroying the Earth AKA Terra. Since then, they have given their lives to an omnipotent computer system known as Grand Mother. Under Grand Mother and her Superior Domination government, humans have every aspect of their lives decided from birth. And all is well in Matrix land until the emergence of the Mu, psychically-endowed humans who only have one wish: return to Terra. Over Grand Mother's dead mainframe!
Enter Keith Anyan, Commander-in-Chief of Humanity. Genetically created by Grand Mother be the perfect human, Keith is intelligent, no-nonsense, a natural leader and extremely devoted to the system. And this is what makes him so dangerous to the Mu, who seek to take down SD. Vowing to destroy the Mu at any costs, Keith is fully willing to annihilate planets, take hostages and even... THROW BABIES!! But the perfect soldier still suffers from some existential issues, even to the point of questioning his actions. This explains why he hides that he cares deeply about his friends and wishes he could understand people... despite believing humanity's greed is why SD is necessary.
Note: Keith is being taken just after his talk with Mother in Episode 23.
Sample Entry:
Citizens of Sea Fude! From this moment forth, I, Keith Anyan, will assume authority over your network usage.
You should be grateful for the protection. Normally an area of your size would not receive such priority. But records have shown a growing animosity toward the SD system, with most violence targeting the LJ network. There have been reports of keyboard smashes, server pounding and tag abuse. Some among you have even begun abandoning the network entirely. They were lured with promises of new identities and iconic freedom. Have they forgotten humanity has only thrived under the guidance of Grand Mother? That we created the system ourselves to preserve order? Instead these individuals argue artistic expression is more important than the security and welfare of the next generation.
No! Swift action must be taken to silence these dissidents. The results of their selfish choices can already be seen in the state of your landscape. Your dying lake and your infected animals only underscore what will happen if this irreverence spreads. The mission is clear: eliminate all threats to the network. There can be no exceptions. The young are no less capable of launching the massive flame wars that can bring everything crashing down. We must see that their punishment will serve as an example to anyone thinking to question the system's grand design. Never forget, it is the system that gives us purpose. Without it, our lives mean nothing.
Therefore, I am taking immediate action to ensure all offenders are removed. All citizens will be required to report on any known misconduct they have witnessed or heard about during their time on the network. Contact information is not necessary; these reports can be made anonymously. I know each of you will do your best to produce timely and thorough results. With your determination, we will strike out the names of those who reject the system's decisions. These people believe they can denounce the system's input as a mistake, claiming it is not their answer, or even going so far as to mock with messages written in dotted code. We will put an end to the fake questionnaires, which serve as recruitment tools for the area criminals Ticky Box and Option 3. And we will initiate a freeze on all efforts to embed deceptive materials into the network's main access points. Those who oppose the will of Grand Mother shall see how quickly their followers can turn around and desert them.
Your director has entrusted your lives to me. But only you can decide whether you will join the ranks of your unfortunate companions and lose your minds in the pursuit of artificial notoriety or bask in the glory of Superior Domination.
Furthermore, questions about the Grand Mother's age will be regarded as treason. As will comments about her size capacity.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Detective Juliet O'Hara
Series: Psych
Age: Mid-20s
Job: Official Birthday Party Coordinator
Canon: Psych is a comedic mystery series about a fake psychic detective agency, taking a bite out of crime. The hero, Shawn Spencer, was groomed to be a top sleuth from a very young age, but had no aspirations of joining the force. Instead, he acts as the Santa Barbara Police Department's psychic consult, using his training and keen powers of observation to point out what they've overlooked, all the while disguising his skills as supernatural powers. While he often faces skepticism, especially from Detective Lassiter, Shawn usually pulls through and solves the crime.
Juliet works for the Santa Barbara PD as Detective Lassiter's partner, and balances his abrasive personality with her optimism and friendliness. She's smart, but a little naive: For example, she entertains the idea Shawn is really psychic, and goes to great lengths to get along with everyone, even when it's obvious they want nothing to do with her. She's also a bit unpredictable, asking for beauty tips or revealing odd bits about herself with little to no invitation, or letting her whole personality shift from bubbly to surprisingly aggressive. But when a situation becomes serious, she'll act with authority. Ultimately, she's an ambitious and capable woman, who takes everything on with enthusiasm, trying to brighten the lives of others.
Sample Entry:
You know, it hasn't been very long, but summer camps have changed a lot since the last time I went to one. I remember when the worst that could happen to you was getting booted out for giving a lying nail polish-stealer a taste of what she deserved. It was only a little slap on the back of the head, she shouldn't have passed out. . . Long story short, cheerleader camp wasn't for me, but I think I can contribute a lot towards the improvement of this place. I'll even go along with this "getting stuck in a real-life sci-fi mystery plot" scenario for now, at least until I find a more plausible explanation for. . . well, everything. All of that aside, I'm Detective Juliet O'Hara, and according to your Director, I'll be serving as your Birthday Party Coordinator.
I know what you're thinking: Why would a camp even have something like that? I know I was, but after getting a good look at the place, I think it's just what it needs. Birthday parties aren't just about a cake, a handful of streamers here and there, and playing a little "pin the tentacle on the lake monster." Don't worry, I wasn't referring to the real one. I wouldn't endorse anything that would put a camper in danger, or cause a disturbance to the local wildlife. The bottom line is, there's way more to birthday parties than all that.
They provide an escape, time to kick back and make happy memories with friends. Even though all of us are far away from home, there's no reason why we can't do something to make a fellow camper or counselor smile, especially on a day as important as their birthday. Taking part in an event like a party is a good way to get to know people better, and increases morale. Without that, camp would just be about surviving the hazards and this awful humidity. It's seriously gross. The split second I got off the plane, my hair went completely flat. After my spiel, please tell me how you guys keep your hair in such good condition. I was trying to talk to a couple of zombies about it earlier--they're pretty harmless, you know-- but they kept going on and on about their swamp water and brains diet, even though everybody knows the whole protein-only thing is a really unhealthy idea. Still, they're supermodel-thin, so it must be working for them. I might try it out if I get really desperate, but if the Tuesday soup is as bad as everyone says it is, I don't really think I'll need to go that far. This might be the best diet plan ever!
But enough about that. I want to get to know all of you better. Aside from your birth date, knowing what you like to eat, who your friends are, and your hobbies would be very helpful in allowing me to make your special day as memorable as possible. In addition, if you have any questions or problems, don't hesitate to come and talk to me. I'm here to help you. The truth is, this isn't just about my responsibilities as a counselor; I also want to be your friend. So who wants to play don't-get-badtouched football with the zombies?
Poll Vote!
First applicant
Character: Francesca Vecchio
Series: Due South (wiki)
Character Age: 30?
Job: Civilian Babysitter
Canon: due South is that show about a Mountie, a wolf, and their liaison with the Rays of the Chicago Police Department. Francesca (or "Frannie") is the sister to one said Ray. Also, is in love with the Mountie, Fraser. She is no way subtle about her intentions, and even though he never reciprocates, she continues to remain oblivious. But prone to flights of fancy and wild tangents though she is, she does have a good head on her shoulders. Sort of. She's forward thinking, persistent, not afraid of a little verbal sparring, and will definitely have your back in a crisis. Whether you want it or not. Even if it ruins her shoes.
There's a whole plot where her brother goes undercover with the mob and another Ray comes in to take his place. But that's not important. What is important is, her brother eventually comes back, stuff happens, Ray-that's-not-her-brother and Fraser sled off into the sunset. But not before he tells her that Fraser likes her.
Francesca currently works as a Civilian Aid for the Chicago PD. Her most recent life goal is to become a police officer herself - despite her tendency to butcher cop-related slang and an inability to find a hat that fits right.
Sample Post:
... He says he likes me, then he takes off to Canada with Ray! I mean, not my brother Ray, my... well he's kinda like my brother; he technically was my brother for a while. Still is in a way. I can't help it, he's like one of those strays you see, loud and weird and missing bits of fur but everyone likes them anyway and feeds them scraps and... Whatever, so they ran off to the Great Glacier of the North, right? What's a girl supposed to think? Yes, he technically wasn't the one who said - honestly, men. Can't they just say what they feel for once? In a perfect world, they're supposed to be there for you! Never giving you up, never letting you down... Oh, I'm not sure if the singing is entirely necessary, but yes! Yes, exactly! Never gonna run around and desert you! That's it, right there! That's what women want.
You're a good listener, Auugh. Your singing voice could use some work, but it's really nice of you to sit here with me. It might be because you, uhm... don't have any ears, but let's not let those little insignificant details get in the way, okay?
Now, there's a few things I'd like to go over with the person in charge before check in. See, there's a little issue of rats - I mean hats where are you all coming from? I don't need some squirrels showing me the way, this isn't some Disney movie. This is real life, and what with the... diseases, you understand, I can't afford to - oh, my assignment! Of- of course! That's a very neat trick. Whoever recruited you should definitely be congratulated. Squirrels! What will they think of next? Alright, what’s this say? "Dear unwitting pawn" - well there's no need to be rude - "you have been appointed" yeah yeah get on with the crime solving already...
Ohohono. Babysitter? Kids, they're cute, don't get me wrong, but there's always a few bad apples, with their... running around all over, germs and... et cetera. Plus, it’s sexist! Why me, of all people? Answer me that, squirrel. Answer me that. Why the woman, huh? Let the man take care of the kids for a change, I say. I'm here to be a cop! You know, walk the streets, ounce the pavement? The whole reason I'm here, at this Police Officer's seminar, at... at Camp... Wh-what does that say? Fu - oh, very funny! Is this one of those... phasing things? Pick on the newbie? That won't soar with me, buster. So what if this place is nothing like the brochure? It's probably some sort of elaborate test. Yeah, I get it! Nobody will ever take you seriously if you give up on account of some swamp... inconvenience. Eugh. A true officer of the law has to be ready for anything, anytime! Capable of accepting and adapting to every occasion, whatever the circumstance! Rolling with the kicks!
Oh, I'm onto you. It may seem like I'm new to this, but I have tons of experience. For example: falsifying papers (like, say, a brochure advertising air-conditioning, lush carpeted floors, room service) is illegal, you know. I expect compensation.
Second applicant
Character: Francesca "Frannie" Vecchio
Series: due SOUTH
Character Age: never specified, but probably early thirties
Job: Data Entry Clerk
Canon:
due SOUTH is that one mountie/cop buddy show set in Chicago, where Constable Benton Fraser, Mountie Extraordinaire, goes on magically realistic and wildly bizarre adventures with his half-deaf half-wolf and his tough Chicago cop partner. Among the cast is Frannie Vecchio, Ray's Fraser-addled younger sister who works as a Civilian Aide at the precinct.
Frannie is what some people might call "plucky"; she's also what some people might call "touching in the head". Other than practically stalking Fraser for most of the series (including that one time she showed up in his bedroom in lingerie), she's also done other plucky/touched-in-the-head things like forcing bank robbers to take her hostage, buying a ridiculously expensive cappuccino machine against direct orders (and expect to get away with it), and talk on endlessly about her bad romance novels.
Aside from her hilarious exploits, Frannie has one very endearing and yet irritating trait: mixing up common words and phrases. Frannie goes beyond simple mispronunciations of bigger words; this is a woman who once got a hardened suspect to break down and confess by endlessly talking about how she's going to make him "spill the jellybeans, sing like a teabird and talk like a puppet".
Sample Post:
Listen, Liz, don't think I don't know what you're going through - believe me, I've been there! The long days, the longer nights, all that time spent waiting for him to turn around and look at you and say, "why, Francesca, you're looking particularly stunning this morning, and the swamp gas accentutates your new haircut very nicely, would you prefer three kids or four" - but he never does, and then one day, whoosh, he's off running around the great Canadian tunders or tenders or something and all you're left with are some old phone messages.
So I know, okay? And every woman's gotta deal with it in her own way - me, I like to get a couple pints of Ben and Jerry's, sit around the house and read some "ladies literature", you know? Maybe later I call the girls, we go shopping and you just give every man you see the ol' stink-nose. Wrinkle your nose up at them, like they stink too much for you. The ol' stink-nose.
But you're just going about this whole thing all wrong. Holing yourself up with a bunch of zombies and purple chimps and kids isn't really going to help - I know you're trying to get over the guy, but this is so not the way to go. Especially not in a swamp! Do you know what that stuff'll do to your face? Nothing good, that's what. I mean, putting mud and cucumbers and strawberries and stuff on your face, that's all clean. It's special mud imported from like...Guam or Spain or something. But swamp? Do you ever see people coming out of a swamp looking all happy and wrinkle-free? It's not a get-away spa, not even with that really warm seal-thing room. This is pretty much the worst place to get away from it all.
That's where I come in. So some guy dumped you, now you're deep in emotional pain and agony and stuff, and you clearly have no idea how to cope! What, Data Entry? Pfft. Puh-leeease, what you need right now is some you-time, Lizzie, and I know just how to do that. Believe me, I've got a lotta practice. Let down your hair! Kick up your shoes! Dress up in your favorite skirt! You need to get out of this hellhole and back into the real world. Find a cute guy and have some fun - like they say, there's plenty of other cuddlefish in the sea! Or lake.
Not that you'd want a cuddlefish from this lake.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed.
Name: John Michael "J.D." Dorian
Series: Scrubs
Age: Late-20s
Job: Relationship Counselor
Canon: Scrubs is an American TV comedy-drama focusing on the lives of the doctors, interns, residents, nurses and so forth of Sacred Heart Hospital. Our hero and narrator of the story is J.D., as he provides us with insights and hilarious crack-filled daydreams into the inner workings of the public hospital system, the personal lives of he and his friends, and sometimes even life itself. They may also occasionally include rainbows, unicorns and whiskers on kittens, but hey, who's to judge?
Daydreams aside, you shouldn't get the impression that J.D. is an incompetent doctor-- far from it. He is often shown to be passionate to the point of nerdiness about his work, though this does leave his sensitive side blindingly obvious to all those around him. You would think this would make him an instant hit with single women, but he pretty much fails in that area too. It's not his fault that he's a little dysfunctional at worst and quirky at best though, right? Narrating your own life and continuing to look up to the one person who constantly verbally abuses you is a perfectly normal, every day thing. ... Well, for J.D., anyway.
Sample Post:
... It was on that fateful day that I realised what the swamps of Louisiana were really like. Dark, dangerous, and... you know, I think I saw a porno like this once. Or was it a dream? But I mean, you've got the gorillas in tutus doing the swan dive into the swamp inhabited by a tentacle monster, and oh... but where is the chocolate Santa? It just isn't right. I mean, failing that, there should at least be three giant sentient flower-aliens threatening to take over the world with the Eiffel Tower looming in the background. I'm still not really clear on what it all means, but I'm sure it's not that important. It's not as if anyone ever actually believes all that dream symbolism stuff anyway, right?
I'm not quite sure where the zombies come in yet, though. To be honest, at first I thought they were a little 80s B-movie, but you know what? I'm a deep man. I can see past all that to the real meaning beyond. Why, it's almost as if they're a beacon of light, calling out to me... a message from above, if you will. "John Dorian ... take heed! This is what your patients could become," you know, in the booming voice with the choir of angels and everything. Oh, but of course! It's so obvious! Now I know my true purpose here. My job at this poor, disease-ridden camp is to be... a relationship counselor?! Bzzt! J.D., J.D., paging Doctor John Dorian, you're needed in reality!
Haha, well now. Relationship counselor indeed. I can't deny that my... somewhat indefinable yet irresistable allure has led to many an entanglement. And okay, maybe a few of those ended badly, but those times were totally and completely never my fault. Mostly. Like that one time at band camp, with that girl... and her trumpet. But she was crazy, how was I supposed to know she had an unnatural yet somehow kind of sexy fixation on Mickey Mouse? I mean, I was willing to wear the ears and everything, but the tail was taking it a little too far. Anyway! That's not the point. The point is that I am the man for this job! Yeah! I can DO this! I am the RELATIONSHIP KING! Free relationships for everyone, courtesy of J.D.! ... Wait. I think there was something fundamentally wrong with that sentence.
Unfortunate wording errors aside, it's clear to me that just like that girl, this camp is in desperate need of a dashing young doctor such as myself to help heal its' wounds, be they relationship troubles or otherwise! You could almost say I'm like Superman, or a Jedi of sorts... saving the world, one hot and foxy damsel at a time! Oh yeah, I could get used to this.
... Uh. Pass on the zombie damsels, though. Unless they come covered in bubble wrap. Mmmm, bubble wrap.
Poll Vote!
Character: Basch Fon Ronsenburg
Series: Final Fantasy XII
Age: 36
Job: Virtuous Defender of Maidens, Children, and Possibly Small Animals Within Perilous Situations
Canon: War ravages the world of Ivalice. To avoid further bloodshed, the King of Dalmasca seeks to sign a treaty of surrender to the Archadian Empire, only to be betrayed and killed by one of his very own knights before his pen can touch the paper. Thus resulting in a country of pissed-off Dalmascans and a one hell of lot of terrorists ready to take back their home. It's left to our party of heroes, ranging from princess to commoners to sky pirates, to attempt to restore peace to Dalmasca. Of course, no one ever said over throwing an empire would be a piece of cake.
Loyal, patriotic, and so gar that Chuck Norris would tip his hat to this fellow, Basch certainly lives up to his position of Captain of the Order of the Knights. It's then no small surprise when he suddenly turns his sword on his own king. But, in a shocking twist worthy of a soap opera, it turns out the poor guy was really just set up by his devious twin brother. Despite casting him as a traitor, this turn of events doesn't vex Basch. Strong and determined, he instead strives to regain his honour and continues to act in whatever way most benefits the country in which he serves. While he tends to be a man of few words, Basch is known to speak his opinions firmly, and even display a bit of dry wit when the situation calls for it.
Sample Post:
Surely, the fates jest. Though I have been assured a message of "be right back" will reach my Lord within the hour, I find myself still discomforted at being taken from my post and brought into a swampland to fill a position at the request of the Lady Director. Be assured, I appreciate that my Greatly Assertive and Robust --or G.A.R, as I have been told-- skills have been deemed suitable for this task, but I must request that my time here to not be held over late. I already have spent the day persuading children to remain far from those bearing candy in white vehicles, and rescuing all creatures from reptiles to rodents from the many, many arms of the beast you call Marcy. Pray tell, what more would you have of me?
--You wish for an escort, my Lady? Then allow me to lend you aid. Please, do not let my previous words put you at ill ease. I intend to fulfill my position here to the best of my abilities, and should you have need of me I will neither give up, let you down, nor run about and desert you. If you require my sword, then you shall have it. Although, I fear you are misinformed. I assure you the size of the blade matters little, it is how it's put to use that counts. And should the situation call for such action I am fully prepared to demonstrate the truth of this statement myself. Do not doubt my experience, and yes, I guarantee that I am able to handle my weapon quite well.
Now, what of our destination? The encampment? I have heard little more of the place than it being a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but if you believe that the brains you seek are there, then we should be off. I do not trust the look of those gorillas by the tree line and think it best that we leave now. The one bearing the undergarments seems particularly suspicious. It may be better if we managed to avoid conflict for this time.
How long do you propose it will be until reaching our destination? I ask on the grounds that should we not be there by sundown I think it best that we make camp for the night. My Lady, you say you fear of something known as the grue? I ask you, do not worry of what may lurk in the dark, even if it has the potential of eating us, as you say. Fear not, for I do not take rest. I wait.
Poll Vote!
Character: Soulcatcher
Series: The Black Company
Character age: appears in her 20s
Job: Dispute resolution
Canon: The Black Company series follows the adventures of a group of daring heroes who -- no, who are we kidding? They're a bunch of mercenaries working for the highest-bidding evil, front-line shock troops in wars instigated by murderous gods, undead mages, and other folks you generally don't want to run into in dark alleys. The first few books in their story revolve around their entanglement with an empire in the midst of a civil war due not only to the rebellion against the local evil overlord (or rather, lady) but also the squabbles among the top-ranking minions, a group of fresh-from-their-mass-grave sorcerers called the Ten Who Were Taken.
Made up of equal parts magic, crazy, and black leather, Soulcatcher is the most persistent and the most playful of the Taken. She's the one who first makes the Black Company an offer they can't refuse, in order to toss them into the chaos of the empire's war. It's not whether they win or lose -- it's how much she can make them squirm as they play the game. She's perceptive enough to use people's own worst nature against them, and prefers to trick people into turning on each other rather than attack problems head-on. Every once in a while she seems to feel compassion and human decency, but don't let your guard down...it's a trap.
Sample post:
Ah, that's not polite, asking for someone's help and then trapping them behind a magical barrier. Understandable, perhaps, but not polite. At least it's a step up from the last time someone tried to seal me away. The undead are much more fun than the just plain dead. I expect I could find myself rather taken with this place -- there's plenty here to keep me entertained for a decade or two. I suppose out of courtesy I'll give this Director's demands a bit of attention. Though really, what sort of a dread-inspiring name is that? She should try for something more evocative. Kidnapper or Badtoucher or even The Drapist might be better. ...Still, she's brought me here; I can play her game for now. She did at least have the forethought to provide me with a letter describing the mission she wants undertaken.
Prisoners of Camp Fuck You Die, good evening! I understand you've been having an ongoing dispute over responsibility, and I'm here to help you settle the issue. I hear there's been a murder -- huh, only one, and she's this upset? -- ah, excuse me. A murder that's gone unsolved, and nobody seems willing to confess. Well, that's human nature. But more to the point, nobody seems willing to turn in the guilty party. You need motivation. So here's my offer: I'm going to leave this pedestal here, in the middle of camp, and one of you is going to put the murderer's head in it. Simple enough, right? For a reward, I'm allowed to offer you...an exemption from the ban on sugar, it says here. That's it? Not even an exemption from the rest of the rules? That's not nearly enough to set you at each other's throats. Instead, let's have a deadly plague. Nobody gets cured until somebody gives me head. The head. Whatever.
...The death is a lie? That's terrible. I'm listening; tell me all about it. I may have to revise my opinion of the Director if she's made a mistake like that. And if there's no murder then there's no killer, and there's nobody for you to turn in! What a shame. And how presumptuous of the Director to bring me here under false pretenses. I was fond of that solution, too.
Well, it still works! It just needs a little adjustment. Instead of finding the killer, I want you to track down the Director, and bring me her head instead. But since I know that'll be more difficult than just fighting amongst yourselves, I'm willing to offer you both rewards: lifting the sugar ban and ending the plague. That sounds generous, doesn't it? So what'll it be, campers -- cake or death?
Poll Vote!
Character: Frederic Francois Chopin
Series: Eternal Sonata
Character Age: 39
Job: Piano Instructor
Canon: What happens when you take a famous 19th century composer and put him into an RPG? The answer: Eternal Sonata. Eternal Sonata follows the story of a man whom many might be familiar with. This man's name is Frederic Francois Chopin, the 19th century Polish pianist. While on his deathbed, Chopin has a dream of a fantastic world where everything has music terminology connected to it. Here in this musical dream world, he meets a girl named Polka who's terminally ill. Together, along with many other companions, they set off on a journey that changes not only Chopin's fate as he knows it, but everyone in his dream world as well.
As for Chopin himself, he's the sheer image of a gentleman. Politeness, formality, manners, and grace are among the many words to describe this image. In this sense, one would say he's almost the perfect gentleman. Someone of true nobility and aristocratic flare as well. Upon the battlefield however, a darker nature can be seen. It's an almost evil side to him that only those who anger him will ever see. Cruel, cynical, firm, and cold would be words to describe the side of darkness. The wise should take such a thing into consideration, don't anger him and you'll be fine.
Sample Post:
I believe starting with an introduction would be the most appropriate thing to do, since I am in a world that doesn't appear to be of my own. Therefore it's best to forget the past and focus on the present in this current situation. I should also concentrate on being humble to greet others around me with an air of gentlemanly grace as well. I do not wish to come off as rude or ignorant of those among this establishment. With that taken to mind, I will begin my introduction. Good morning to all of you and I thank your Director for offering a job to me. My name is Frederic Francois Chopin; it is a pleasure to meet such astonishing people. As for my reasons of being here, I've been asked to instruct piano at this camp, teaching the fine art of reading and playing piano music. I truly hope you will enjoy my teaching and find a certain joy when hearing the wonderful music a piano can create.
While this certainly isn't such a horrible place, it isn't exactly a setting I am all too familiar with. It may not be Warsaw, Paris, or the dream world of mine; I may be able to adjust here if I believe enough. The only things that seems to stick out to me is that the name of this place seems rather bizarre in itself, as are some of the locals here in it. I've seen my fair share of strange creatures, but nothing like these. I must say though, despite their strange characteristics, they seem to take a rather fondness towards piano music. I know these "zombies" as they are called belong to the undead species, however one would not think of them to take music so wholeheartedly. That's if they still have some heart left in their almost lifeless corpse. I'll have to figure that out through much research of their reactions to certain events. In the time now that I am with these zombies, I think it could be quite splendid to know they wish to try their hands at piano itself.
With the introductions and greetings put aside, I think the lessons can begin. May I have your name? "Urrgh"? I think we shall call you Mister Fiddle instead. Now Mister Fiddle, if you could please look at these notes I've prepared for your lessons. Sir, please do not eat the paper and put your finger that fell off back on. You need to be in one piece and able to understand the notes if you are truly willing to become a pianist. Moving onto step two of the lesson, place your finger on the furthest key to your left then go all the way to the key furthest to your right. When you're done that, try tapping on the keys as I say the notes. Do mi so mi do mi so mi fa la. Good work, you seem to understand this better. Keep going along, but instead tap along with these notes. Do mi so do do so mi do. Splendid, you already know how to play your scales and arpeggios. Hmm? Oh, it would seem we have some of your friends coming to watch you practice. Sir, it's understandable to be nervous, but don't fall apart over it. I used to be nervous in my youth when I first played, which is why I'm giving advice to help you.
Now see…Instead of taking my advice into consideration, you've already gone and caused your fingers to fall off along with an eyeball due to stress. You might want to put yourself back together if you want to be presentable. You might also want to sit up a bit more, for better posture. Thinking upon this, being an instructor here might be a lot harder than I thought.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Keith Anyan
Series: Toward the Terra
Character Age: early to mid 30s
Job: Network System Overlord
Canon: Humans have relocated to various planets after all but destroying the Earth AKA Terra. Since then, they have given their lives to an omnipotent computer system known as Grand Mother. Under Grand Mother and her Superior Domination government, humans have every aspect of their lives decided from birth. And all is well in Matrix land until the emergence of the Mu, psychically-endowed humans who only have one wish: return to Terra. Over Grand Mother's dead mainframe!
Enter Keith Anyan, Commander-in-Chief of Humanity. Genetically created by Grand Mother be the perfect human, Keith is intelligent, no-nonsense, a natural leader and extremely devoted to the system. And this is what makes him so dangerous to the Mu, who seek to take down SD. Vowing to destroy the Mu at any costs, Keith is fully willing to annihilate planets, take hostages and even... THROW BABIES!! But the perfect soldier still suffers from some existential issues, even to the point of questioning his actions. This explains why he hides that he cares deeply about his friends and wishes he could understand people... despite believing humanity's greed is why SD is necessary.
Note: Keith is being taken just after his talk with Mother in Episode 23.
Sample Entry:
Citizens of Sea Fude! From this moment forth, I, Keith Anyan, will assume authority over your network usage.
You should be grateful for the protection. Normally an area of your size would not receive such priority. But records have shown a growing animosity toward the SD system, with most violence targeting the LJ network. There have been reports of keyboard smashes, server pounding and tag abuse. Some among you have even begun abandoning the network entirely. They were lured with promises of new identities and iconic freedom. Have they forgotten humanity has only thrived under the guidance of Grand Mother? That we created the system ourselves to preserve order? Instead these individuals argue artistic expression is more important than the security and welfare of the next generation.
No! Swift action must be taken to silence these dissidents. The results of their selfish choices can already be seen in the state of your landscape. Your dying lake and your infected animals only underscore what will happen if this irreverence spreads. The mission is clear: eliminate all threats to the network. There can be no exceptions. The young are no less capable of launching the massive flame wars that can bring everything crashing down. We must see that their punishment will serve as an example to anyone thinking to question the system's grand design. Never forget, it is the system that gives us purpose. Without it, our lives mean nothing.
Therefore, I am taking immediate action to ensure all offenders are removed. All citizens will be required to report on any known misconduct they have witnessed or heard about during their time on the network. Contact information is not necessary; these reports can be made anonymously. I know each of you will do your best to produce timely and thorough results. With your determination, we will strike out the names of those who reject the system's decisions. These people believe they can denounce the system's input as a mistake, claiming it is not their answer, or even going so far as to mock with messages written in dotted code. We will put an end to the fake questionnaires, which serve as recruitment tools for the area criminals Ticky Box and Option 3. And we will initiate a freeze on all efforts to embed deceptive materials into the network's main access points. Those who oppose the will of Grand Mother shall see how quickly their followers can turn around and desert them.
Your director has entrusted your lives to me. But only you can decide whether you will join the ranks of your unfortunate companions and lose your minds in the pursuit of artificial notoriety or bask in the glory of Superior Domination.
Furthermore, questions about the Grand Mother's age will be regarded as treason. As will comments about her size capacity.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Detective Juliet O'Hara
Series: Psych
Age: Mid-20s
Job: Official Birthday Party Coordinator
Canon: Psych is a comedic mystery series about a fake psychic detective agency, taking a bite out of crime. The hero, Shawn Spencer, was groomed to be a top sleuth from a very young age, but had no aspirations of joining the force. Instead, he acts as the Santa Barbara Police Department's psychic consult, using his training and keen powers of observation to point out what they've overlooked, all the while disguising his skills as supernatural powers. While he often faces skepticism, especially from Detective Lassiter, Shawn usually pulls through and solves the crime.
Juliet works for the Santa Barbara PD as Detective Lassiter's partner, and balances his abrasive personality with her optimism and friendliness. She's smart, but a little naive: For example, she entertains the idea Shawn is really psychic, and goes to great lengths to get along with everyone, even when it's obvious they want nothing to do with her. She's also a bit unpredictable, asking for beauty tips or revealing odd bits about herself with little to no invitation, or letting her whole personality shift from bubbly to surprisingly aggressive. But when a situation becomes serious, she'll act with authority. Ultimately, she's an ambitious and capable woman, who takes everything on with enthusiasm, trying to brighten the lives of others.
Sample Entry:
You know, it hasn't been very long, but summer camps have changed a lot since the last time I went to one. I remember when the worst that could happen to you was getting booted out for giving a lying nail polish-stealer a taste of what she deserved. It was only a little slap on the back of the head, she shouldn't have passed out. . . Long story short, cheerleader camp wasn't for me, but I think I can contribute a lot towards the improvement of this place. I'll even go along with this "getting stuck in a real-life sci-fi mystery plot" scenario for now, at least until I find a more plausible explanation for. . . well, everything. All of that aside, I'm Detective Juliet O'Hara, and according to your Director, I'll be serving as your Birthday Party Coordinator.
I know what you're thinking: Why would a camp even have something like that? I know I was, but after getting a good look at the place, I think it's just what it needs. Birthday parties aren't just about a cake, a handful of streamers here and there, and playing a little "pin the tentacle on the lake monster." Don't worry, I wasn't referring to the real one. I wouldn't endorse anything that would put a camper in danger, or cause a disturbance to the local wildlife. The bottom line is, there's way more to birthday parties than all that.
They provide an escape, time to kick back and make happy memories with friends. Even though all of us are far away from home, there's no reason why we can't do something to make a fellow camper or counselor smile, especially on a day as important as their birthday. Taking part in an event like a party is a good way to get to know people better, and increases morale. Without that, camp would just be about surviving the hazards and this awful humidity. It's seriously gross. The split second I got off the plane, my hair went completely flat. After my spiel, please tell me how you guys keep your hair in such good condition. I was trying to talk to a couple of zombies about it earlier--they're pretty harmless, you know-- but they kept going on and on about their swamp water and brains diet, even though everybody knows the whole protein-only thing is a really unhealthy idea. Still, they're supermodel-thin, so it must be working for them. I might try it out if I get really desperate, but if the Tuesday soup is as bad as everyone says it is, I don't really think I'll need to go that far. This might be the best diet plan ever!
But enough about that. I want to get to know all of you better. Aside from your birth date, knowing what you like to eat, who your friends are, and your hobbies would be very helpful in allowing me to make your special day as memorable as possible. In addition, if you have any questions or problems, don't hesitate to come and talk to me. I'm here to help you. The truth is, this isn't just about my responsibilities as a counselor; I also want to be your friend. So who wants to play don't-get-badtouched football with the zombies?
Poll Vote!
First applicant
Character: Francesca Vecchio
Series: Due South (wiki)
Character Age: 30?
Job: Civilian Babysitter
Canon: due South is that show about a Mountie, a wolf, and their liaison with the Rays of the Chicago Police Department. Francesca (or "Frannie") is the sister to one said Ray. Also, is in love with the Mountie, Fraser. She is no way subtle about her intentions, and even though he never reciprocates, she continues to remain oblivious. But prone to flights of fancy and wild tangents though she is, she does have a good head on her shoulders. Sort of. She's forward thinking, persistent, not afraid of a little verbal sparring, and will definitely have your back in a crisis. Whether you want it or not. Even if it ruins her shoes.
There's a whole plot where her brother goes undercover with the mob and another Ray comes in to take his place. But that's not important. What is important is, her brother eventually comes back, stuff happens, Ray-that's-not-her-brother and Fraser sled off into the sunset. But not before he tells her that Fraser likes her.
Francesca currently works as a Civilian Aid for the Chicago PD. Her most recent life goal is to become a police officer herself - despite her tendency to butcher cop-related slang and an inability to find a hat that fits right.
Sample Post:
... He says he likes me, then he takes off to Canada with Ray! I mean, not my brother Ray, my... well he's kinda like my brother; he technically was my brother for a while. Still is in a way. I can't help it, he's like one of those strays you see, loud and weird and missing bits of fur but everyone likes them anyway and feeds them scraps and... Whatever, so they ran off to the Great Glacier of the North, right? What's a girl supposed to think? Yes, he technically wasn't the one who said - honestly, men. Can't they just say what they feel for once? In a perfect world, they're supposed to be there for you! Never giving you up, never letting you down... Oh, I'm not sure if the singing is entirely necessary, but yes! Yes, exactly! Never gonna run around and desert you! That's it, right there! That's what women want.
You're a good listener, Auugh. Your singing voice could use some work, but it's really nice of you to sit here with me. It might be because you, uhm... don't have any ears, but let's not let those little insignificant details get in the way, okay?
Now, there's a few things I'd like to go over with the person in charge before check in. See, there's a little issue of rats - I mean hats where are you all coming from? I don't need some squirrels showing me the way, this isn't some Disney movie. This is real life, and what with the... diseases, you understand, I can't afford to - oh, my assignment! Of- of course! That's a very neat trick. Whoever recruited you should definitely be congratulated. Squirrels! What will they think of next? Alright, what’s this say? "Dear unwitting pawn" - well there's no need to be rude - "you have been appointed" yeah yeah get on with the crime solving already...
Ohohono. Babysitter? Kids, they're cute, don't get me wrong, but there's always a few bad apples, with their... running around all over, germs and... et cetera. Plus, it’s sexist! Why me, of all people? Answer me that, squirrel. Answer me that. Why the woman, huh? Let the man take care of the kids for a change, I say. I'm here to be a cop! You know, walk the streets, ounce the pavement? The whole reason I'm here, at this Police Officer's seminar, at... at Camp... Wh-what does that say? Fu - oh, very funny! Is this one of those... phasing things? Pick on the newbie? That won't soar with me, buster. So what if this place is nothing like the brochure? It's probably some sort of elaborate test. Yeah, I get it! Nobody will ever take you seriously if you give up on account of some swamp... inconvenience. Eugh. A true officer of the law has to be ready for anything, anytime! Capable of accepting and adapting to every occasion, whatever the circumstance! Rolling with the kicks!
Oh, I'm onto you. It may seem like I'm new to this, but I have tons of experience. For example: falsifying papers (like, say, a brochure advertising air-conditioning, lush carpeted floors, room service) is illegal, you know. I expect compensation.
Second applicant
Character: Francesca "Frannie" Vecchio
Series: due SOUTH
Character Age: never specified, but probably early thirties
Job: Data Entry Clerk
Canon:
due SOUTH is that one mountie/cop buddy show set in Chicago, where Constable Benton Fraser, Mountie Extraordinaire, goes on magically realistic and wildly bizarre adventures with his half-deaf half-wolf and his tough Chicago cop partner. Among the cast is Frannie Vecchio, Ray's Fraser-addled younger sister who works as a Civilian Aide at the precinct.
Frannie is what some people might call "plucky"; she's also what some people might call "touching in the head". Other than practically stalking Fraser for most of the series (including that one time she showed up in his bedroom in lingerie), she's also done other plucky/touched-in-the-head things like forcing bank robbers to take her hostage, buying a ridiculously expensive cappuccino machine against direct orders (and expect to get away with it), and talk on endlessly about her bad romance novels.
Aside from her hilarious exploits, Frannie has one very endearing and yet irritating trait: mixing up common words and phrases. Frannie goes beyond simple mispronunciations of bigger words; this is a woman who once got a hardened suspect to break down and confess by endlessly talking about how she's going to make him "spill the jellybeans, sing like a teabird and talk like a puppet".
Sample Post:
Listen, Liz, don't think I don't know what you're going through - believe me, I've been there! The long days, the longer nights, all that time spent waiting for him to turn around and look at you and say, "why, Francesca, you're looking particularly stunning this morning, and the swamp gas accentutates your new haircut very nicely, would you prefer three kids or four" - but he never does, and then one day, whoosh, he's off running around the great Canadian tunders or tenders or something and all you're left with are some old phone messages.
So I know, okay? And every woman's gotta deal with it in her own way - me, I like to get a couple pints of Ben and Jerry's, sit around the house and read some "ladies literature", you know? Maybe later I call the girls, we go shopping and you just give every man you see the ol' stink-nose. Wrinkle your nose up at them, like they stink too much for you. The ol' stink-nose.
But you're just going about this whole thing all wrong. Holing yourself up with a bunch of zombies and purple chimps and kids isn't really going to help - I know you're trying to get over the guy, but this is so not the way to go. Especially not in a swamp! Do you know what that stuff'll do to your face? Nothing good, that's what. I mean, putting mud and cucumbers and strawberries and stuff on your face, that's all clean. It's special mud imported from like...Guam or Spain or something. But swamp? Do you ever see people coming out of a swamp looking all happy and wrinkle-free? It's not a get-away spa, not even with that really warm seal-thing room. This is pretty much the worst place to get away from it all.
That's where I come in. So some guy dumped you, now you're deep in emotional pain and agony and stuff, and you clearly have no idea how to cope! What, Data Entry? Pfft. Puh-leeease, what you need right now is some you-time, Lizzie, and I know just how to do that. Believe me, I've got a lotta practice. Let down your hair! Kick up your shoes! Dress up in your favorite skirt! You need to get out of this hellhole and back into the real world. Find a cute guy and have some fun - like they say, there's plenty of other cuddlefish in the sea! Or lake.
Not that you'd want a cuddlefish from this lake.
Poll Vote!