(no subject)
MORE APPS, go go go! Yzak's batch is still open, too!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Shimura Shinpachi
Series: Gintama
Age: 16
Canon: Hey, remember back in 1854 when Commodore Matthew Perry forced open Japan to the foreign world, changing the course of its history forever? Yeah, well in Gintama, it was aliens. FROM SPACE. And give or take 20 years after the fact, these sentient aliens, collectively known as the Amanto, have changed the land of the samurai into an oppressed nation with some serious anachronisms. Spaceships hover over the skyline of Edo. The Shinsengumi use bazookas. Unemployed ninja deliver your pizza and religiously follow Shonen JUMP. Gintama is basically a heartwarming shonen (disguised as a gag series) having an absolutely torrid love affair with pop culture references while utterly destroying the fourth wall and toeing the line of what's acceptable to broadcast in the meantime.
Amidst all this craziness is Shimura Shinpachi: a sensible, polite, and hard-working young man saddled with the responsibility of saving the family dojo from being repossessed--but more importantly, being the flaily, overreacting straight man for all these damn jokes. Shinpachi is the one who usually makes sure his friends pay the rent or don't kill themselves drinking, and what does he get for it? Being made fun of for his status as the token "glasses character", or being told he's "only good for a punchline", or having to clean up everyone else's messes. Despite all the hardships of being painfully normal in a crazy world, Shinpachi genuinely cares about others and within him burns the heart of a true samurai.
Sample Post:
I...don't think I'm in Edo anymore. Okay, all poorly ripped-off cliché movie quotes aside, this place is really something else...did I somehow crash-land onto an alien planet without my knowledge or consent? H-have I been sold off into slavery for the money so a certain someone could pay the rent? Or rather, for booze and gambling money?! I-I'd better ask around before jumping to conclusions, first of all. I think I still have all my organs, at least...
Whoa there! Are you okay, sir? That fall looked like it hurt OH MY GOD YOUR ARM CAME OFF. Someone, anyone call an ambulance, quick! Hang in there, mister! Wait, there are just more of your kind here...then, could you be a new species of Amanto? A-appendage-dropping ones? Well, it's not like I haven't seen weirder things...um, in that case, welcome to Earth! Though I'm not sure where on Earth we are right now--actually, if we're on Earth at all, to tell you the truth. Let me see if there's a sign or something that can help us..."Brains"? I--yes, I have brains! That's a little rude considering we've just met, don't you think?
...wait. Decaying, shambling, and seeking brains...that's. That's what a zombie is, h-huh? Uh...I'll just...let you get back to whatever you're doing, then. And despite the glasses, I'm really not the smart character! Really! My brains won't be soft and moist and delicious at all! In fact, I'm supposed to be the nerdy "otaku" type, they'd probably taste like--like unemployment and perversion. Y-yes, it's exactly as you say! I'm chronically lazy, no good, even a "total lameass who'll never know the touch of a real girl and deserves to live underneath the awesomely filthy, decomposing heel of His Great Lordship Mrrghargh!" And yes, prematurely baldi--balding?! Morbidly obese and riddled with acne--aren't you just listing off stereotypes at this point?! And since when do half-rotten zombies like you get to be so stuck up, anyway?! Seriously, lordship? I'm perfectly fit with a full head of hair, as you can see...oh. You. You don't have eyes. I'm terribly sorry about that.
Anyway Lord Mrrghargh sir, I'll be off! I'm just going to go to the lake over there to enjoy some fresh lake air, I swear! Not avoiding you or anything, haha! Haha...ha--okay, I'm pretty sure we've done the horrible octopus alien monstrosity gag before. It wasn't fun getting almost eaten last time, and the audience isn't that dumb! They'll catch on to old, reused jokes eventually, especially about how those tentacles are going there and doing that to Lord Mrrghargh over there WAIT.
Th-they couldn't possibly show this kind of...thing on network TV! This isn't one of those "special" channels you have to pay extra for in your television service package, okay? The PTA will protest again and we might get canceled for real this time! S-so, Shinpachi, you have nothing to worry about, that thing's just a friendly, family-safe tentacle monster. There's no reason to fret about those tentacles going there or doing that, it's all in your head, haha...ha....this is on the Internet?
Aw, crap RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUNAWAAAAAAAAAY!!
Poll Vote!
Character: Dearka Elsman
Series: Gundam SEED Destiny
Character Age: 19
Canon: In Gundam SEED Destiny, two groups fight to out gay each other in giant robots with the use of performance enhancing drugs, terrible fashion, surprise boobies, and bad hair. It is actually quite deep and philosophical but any true meaning is lost in the shadow of the humongous faggot tree growing in the center of it all.
ZAFT (the "baddies" of the series, depending on how you view things) deeply embraces this faggot tree. Within ZAFT, an elite group of young soldiers headed by a child molester named Kleuze was formed to rock people's faces and rule the world. They kind of failed, since most of them died or ran away because of their wibbling vaginas. However, two members succeeded in spite of having a wibbling vagina and temporarily running away. These two were Yzak Jule and Dearka Elsman. Dearka is rarely mentioned without Yzak because they are a Famous Combination, kind of like bagels and creme cheese. Dearka is smooth, slick, laid-back, arrogant, and in possession of a very good sense of humor. In this respect, he is everything that his Commander isn't. Dearka also has a large gun and an 80's mullet. The latter has likely caused more kills than the former.
Sample post:
One minute we were just flying through space in our really cool ship that chicks totally dig, continuing our mission to do whatever the hell we're supposed to be doing. I think it's conquering the world or something. I fell asleep during the last mission brief, but I doubt it's changed much. Anyway, it was quiet aside from Yzak complaining, which means it was pretty noisy, but whatever. I had the latest issue of Busted Babes in my hands and everything was going great.
But since stuff always has to happen, something did. I dunno what, 'cause this month's issue was pretty damn good and page twelve had a strategically placed ZAFT logo right over her--but, suddenly I was just here, in the middle of this swamp, surrounded by you guys. You seem like pretty cool dudes considering you're purple gorillas. We don't have a lot of purple gorillas on the PLANTs. Or, uh...any.
Earth is pretty fucking weird.
Whoah, hey, I didn't mean to insult you guys. I was just saying, you kno. Ow--hey, hey--Yeah, my hair's real, thanks for noticing. Just don't get curious if the carpets match the drapes. I'd tell you how I get it styled this way but then I'd have to kill you. It's a Coordinator secret. You Natural gorillas probably wouldn't be able to handle it. It's a pretty complex process. Takes hours.
So, uh...you guys know any good places to get a burger around here? My survival training was pretty intense, but I don't think I want to eat that, especially since I watched where it came from. Wasn't that uncomfortable?
Damn, I hate it when this happens.
Worst part?
I didn't even get make it to this month's centerfold with the Lacus Clyne look alike. And I was really looking forward to that one.
Poll Vote!
Character: Suzuki Mio
Series: Kamen Rider Kiva
Character Age: 19
Canon: So, regular vampires a bit boring? Not here! In the world of Kamen Rider Kiva, the vampires, named Fangire, are made of stained glass, and like drinking life energy instead of blood. Unfortunately, that means if you're a victim, you get to turn to glass too... except not quite as prettily. At least there are people out there that might save you from such a glassy fate; in particular a young man named Kurenai Wataru, Kamen Rider Kiva.
Suzuki Mio would rather not attract any attention. A quiet, soft-spoken Fangire who can't balance a tray to save her life, Suzuki Mio has five newspaper subscriptions because she can't say no. Meek and gentle, she is terrified by the destiny that's revealed to her: That she's inherited the title of the Fangire Queen, charged with executing traitors (such as those who like humans), duties she finds hard to carry out because she, too, is guiltily in love with a human - Kurenai Wataru. Trapped in the role, and not in love with her King, Taiga, she's quietly finding the resolve to do something - anything - to free herself from her terrible fate.
Sample Post:
Gorilla Manager-san! I-I'm really sorry about the table. I'm really grateful, too, that you're letting me tell you what happened today. I don't know why I'm here, but I'm glad you gave me a job. I really do have waitressing experience!
I-I've never served as many exotic things as are on the menu. We don't have these things in Japan, not that I've heard of. I had several people ask for the mystery soup; I didn't know what that was, so I told them it was a mystery. If I wasn't supposed to do that, I'm sorry. I've never heard of a mystery soup, even though everybody there said I should. One man wanted a shoofly pie! The cook and I tried and tried, but there weren't enough flies under peoples' shoes. And was it all right to serve them crocodile stew instead? We took the shoelaces and the feet out of there first before serving....
And I-I had some drinks that I wasn't too sure of either. Two people asked for a "Bloody Mary". I-I guess that's popular over here? But we didn't have any Marys that were bloody, just some Susans, and they took offense about that, and they wanted to speak to you, except you weren't available, so I did the best I could. I know that you might not be pleased, but the guests were, so I think that's good.
Oh, you're asking about the table incident, not the food! I didn't mean to talk so much about what I did wrong today with the food. I'm sorry that I don't understand you very well. I meant to tell you about that. You see, I'm a bit clumsy, and I was reaching for a drink glass, and I fell over. Well, I didn't get out of the way fast enough, too. But most of it was I reached too far. I didn't know that the table couldn't handle my weight, I'm sorry! That crash that everybody heard? Well, at least it brought new customers....
Oh! Does... does that gesture mean you won't fire me? It does? Oh, thank you! I promise, I'll do my best!
Poll Vote!
Character: Oskar
Series: "Låt den rätte komma in" / "Let The Right One In"(book)
Character Age: 12
Canon: One could say that "Let The Right One In" is a book about the friendship between a young boy and a vampire but that wouldn't do the story of Oskar and Eli any justice. It's a grim, dark book - but not the gothic, romantic kind of grim. Set in the 1980s the world in which the withdrawn 12-year old Oskar lives is cold and miserable. Not because of vampires, but because it is the real world, with broken families, violence, crimes and loneliness.
One particular source of dread in Oskar's life are his classmates, who make a sport out of terrorizing him. He has an odd obsession with murder cases and serial killers and dreams of standing up to those who torture him. Eli, a strange girl who moves in next door, helps him become more confident. Their friendship deepens and the revelation that Eli is in fact a 200-year old vampire hardly doesn't play a role for Oskar. After all Eli only kills, when it is unavoidable, and in the end Oskar is ready to do just the same to those who threaten him - or Eli.
Sample Post:
Sorry, but I already told you; I haven't subscribed to any magazine. You are starting to get on my nerves. See, that's not my address there, I don't even have an address right now, and if I did, there wouldn't be a nasty word in it. I'm not buying anything and I don't care if you're dead or not. No, I don't have a problem with dead people. You'd be amazed, because ... nevermind.
Also, it's a junior magazine and I'm not a little child anymore. Then, the title. Why would you think I'm .... that kind of person? Just because I scored eight points on this stupid test - that doesn't mean a thing. Yeah, I also solved the "Guess the Cause of Death" riddle - but just because it was so obvious! The first one has to be arsenic because of the blood streaks in the vomit. Why, I just read a lot! It's not bad to read and know things! Some people know a lot about hockey, I just know a lot about ... this kind of stuff. See, you died of a gunshot wound, I can see that from here. Because of the tissue destruction, you know? There was a very similar case in ... oh. I see. That was not very nice of them to do. Really? All the time? Just "out of fun"? Aw, I'm sorry to hear that, because I know how that feels. No, not how to get shot but to be pushed around just because of fun. You know, my girlfriend gave me this advice to just hit back. Hard.
Speaking of that, have you seen her around? Smallish girl, black hair? I just hope she didn't go to the place where they shot you. That could be bad. Naw, I don't worry about her. She just really doesn't like bullies. Okay, if I just keep your silly magazine will you finally let me go and look for her? Fine. At least the trading cards are not that bad. Do you know who "Hannibal Lecter" is? I've got him twice.
Poll Vote!
Character: Axl
Series: Megaman X
Character Age: Unknown, but appears 14-15.
Canon: In 21XX, war was beginning. Once upon a time, a genius roboticist built the world's first free-willed, emotionally capable robot, the titular Megaman X. And X himself was a pretty cool guy, but somewhere along the way to the assembly line, people forgot that robots with free will might not always see things the way humans do. Luckily, there were always some other robots willing to stand up to them, and so the epic battle between Mavericks (who hate humans) and Maverick Hunters (who might not necessarily love humans, but at the very least, hate Mavericks) has raged on for...well, even canon's not sure how long it's been going, but it's probably been a while.
Axl is a relative newcomer to the main cast, a scrappy kid robot whose Mysterious Powers could be the difference between victory and defeat for the heroes. He shows up seven games into the series, starts a war by existing, and then helps end it, at which point he is officially inaugurated into the ranks of the good guys. He then spends the rest of his appearances being ridiculously cheerful while everybody else angsts, complaining about his itchy trigger finger, making an annoyance of himself at every opportunity, and being a much needed ray of sunshine in a cesspool of Dramah. He's as capable a fighter as anyone else on the main team, and he takes the war seriously and gets things done -- he just does it with a little more moxie and a lot less seriousface. Axl's the kind of guy who seems like he's having fun ninety-five percent of the time; when even he stops joking around, you know shit just got real.
Sample Post:
Okay, everybody here? Awesome. So now we...uh, right, I guess I should try to sound all official or whatever, huh. Ahem. Operation: Sombrero Sentai will now commence! Our mission: annoy the hell out of everyone in a one mile radius, look good while doing it, and prove that even Chocolate Rain becomes awesome with a properly applied mariachi groove. And hey, who knows -- if we're annoying enough, maybe we'll luck out and get kicked out of this hellhole for good, and that's a cause worth fighting for. All troops report in!
-- okay, no, no, no. You've got no enthusiasm. Where's your spirit? I want to hear that loud, guys. From the diaphragm! Big voice! Open your throat and oh dude did you just unhinge your jaw? Ew. You've got to remember, enthusiasm is half the battle, and...okay, I forget what the other half is, but at least if you listen to me, you're halfway winning.
Uh. Anyway, nobody ever won a battle empty-handed. Equipment! Pants, shirts, standard issue sombreros, all check! It's really hard to find trumpets and guitars around here so we're just going to have to make do with these kazoos, and a box with rubber bands wrapped around the opening. I don't think it should be that big of a deal, really. It's got charm, right? Of course it does. Let's tune up -- hey, uh, could you try not to blow your lips off with the kazoo?
It's still a little flat, but you'll get better at that. And if you don't, people will learn to deal with it. Or they'll just throw tomatoes at you, but everyone loves free produce, so it's a win-win situation. My commanding officer used to tell us this whenever we got discouraged...uh...what did he tell us again? I don't know. I don't do discouraged. But I bet it was pretty inspirational, whatever it was. Just pretend I said something awesome there and let's play a few scales, okay?
Hey, that doesn't sound half bad, guys! I'm pretty sure mariachi groups don't usually play with that kind of dissonance, but whatever. Charm. Not much point to making music if we're not going to strive for our own unique sound, right? Those birds falling out of the trees just don't understand our artistic vision, don't worry about them. We're about to make history here! First zombie mariachi group ever recorded has a pretty nice ring to it, if you ask me.
I think that's about everything, huh? Let's find someone to terrorize. Sombrero Sentai are go!
Poll Vote!
Character: Littlefoot
Series: The Land Before Time
Character Age: BABY DINOSAUR. (under a year)
Canon: You've all heard of the extinction of the dinosaurs, right? The Ambiguous Late Cretaceous [sic?] was a pretty crazy time. Earthshakes rocked the ground at every turn, splitting up families and herds along with the ground. The color palettes in the animation studios were distressingly free of green for a while, tightening the metaphorical belts of both plant and meat-eaters. In the midst of a great migration towards one of the few sheltered green places left, a group of infant dinosaurs were born - and, separated from their parents by death and chance, forced to band together despite racism! it's bad for you, kids! species differences to make it on their own to the Great Valley.
Littlefoot is the fearless Longneck leader of the five hungry dinosaur babies who make their journey to the Great Valley alone, even if "fearless" is stating the case much too strongly. Though he spends a lot of the early part of the movie crippled with baaaww over the death of his mother, he moves past it in order to lead his friends towards the Great Valley that she told him to find. His sadness and assumption of authority tends to alienate him a little from his companions, but his basic faith in the ability of anyone to be friends and his reassuring nature rallies the others around him. Not to say that he's perfect; he doubts himself often, can talk himself into thinking his opinion is the only one without too much trouble, and can be goaded into fights too easily if the situation gets tense. But it's all straightforward - he's just a little kid. A good kid, a reliable kid, but just a child. None of the group would've made it to the valley without each other.
Sample Post:
Wow... what kind of Flyer are you? I've never seen that kind of fuzz all over anything but a plant before. You can't be a plant and a Flyer at the same time, right? I guess you could be a bug... eewww, a giant bug! That's gross. Giant bugs, all flying around in a herd - hahaha, would that even be the right word? A swarm of giant furry bugs, none of the others are even going to believe me - hey! Hey, that hurt! Stop throwing those! Come back!
Um... Thank you for coming back. I'm sorry I called you bugs. I-I mean, if you aren't. Ow, your beak is sharp! Fine! You're not bugs! Your colors are really pretty and stuff, not like a bug. It's just that my mother never told me about Flyers with those weird fluffy bits all over them. I've only heard of the plant-eaters around where our herd was from: that's the normal Flyers, the Swimmers, the Threehorns, the Spiketails, and the Longnecks like me. Fluffy Flyers wasn't in there anywhere, and none of the others I've met were fluffy either. Are you from another place? I guess you must be... it's not like Mother had a lot of time to, to tell me anything about other places, before that Sharptooth -- but I was really little then! I'm bigger now! Anyway, I guess you couldn't tell me the way back to the Great Valley, huh? I didn't think I'd gone that far, but there weren't any fire mountains like this there.
You've never been to the Great Valley? Why not? It's a really good place, I promise - and you could just fly there instead of walking all the way! It's the best place, with no green food around at times like this. Fire mountains aren't all that safe to live on, you know, and they don't have a lot of green food on them! Do... do you want to come with me? It'd be easy for you to keep up with those wings, or I guess I could follow along after you. It's safer, since there are definitely more Sharpteeth out there somewhere. I got there with a bunch of my friends once before, you know? And it was an easier trip with all of us together.
Huh? What do you mean, my mom wanted to go there? Yeah, she did, what's wrong with that? She's the one who told me the way. And what are you saying "your mom" like that for anyway, it sounds weird! Hmph, that's a stupid thing to get all excited about. You're sort of weird anyway -- SHUT UP, MY MOM WAS NOT WEIRD. She was the best person ever, even a stupid Flyer like you should be able to see that! You take that back! You take that back or I'll --
...wow, I've never seen a fire mountain erupt in that color before. Is that how you got so pink? But listen, if you don't stop saying bad things about my mom, I'm gonna - I'm gonna - I'm... stuck. I'm stuck. Why is the fire from the fire mountain pink and sticky. I can't move my feet. It's all over me, eewww.
H-help?
Poll Vote!
Character: Cera
Series: The Land Before Time
Character Age: ... A baby dinosaur. Less than a year old.
Canon: Once upon a time, a long time ago, with absolutely no regard for science or the geological periods established by paleontologists, a group of dinosaurs on the brink of salvation set off for the mythical Great Valley, a place filled with more green food and tree stars than any of them can imagine. Many different species join the journey, Longnecks and Threehorns and Spiketails and Bigmouths, all hunted by the dreaded Sharpteeth; but despite all being in the same boat, making the same pilgrimage, the dinosaurs keep to their own kind, and their own herds, because that's the way things have always been.
Cera is a three-foot-long young Threehorn, she has skin like armor, and she's so heavy and so strong she can knock down walls of solid rock without even trying--but in her world, compared to the giant predators and massive monsters she meets, she's positively tiny. She scarcely seems aware of the fact, though, and she's been running into things headfirst before she even hatched. Now, still a very young child, Cera is a spoiled brat and stubborn beyond belief, and she's full of distain for any animal that's not a Threehorn like herself. But after the great earthshake separates her from her family and Cera crosses paths with a hungry Sharptooth, she has no choice but to follow the Longneck Littlefoot and his friends, because Littlefoot is the only one among them who knows the way to safety, their families, and the Great Valley.
Sample Post:
Why does everyone keep running away? Come back, come back! What about me? I didn't say you guys can go, I'm lost, so how am I supposed to know where I am? Oh, just run away, then! I don't need you anyway, I don't! Threehorns don't talk to ... to Flatfaces like you! My father says that--that-- ... well maybe he never talked about funny looking Flatfaces, I don't know what you're like. But you're small and weak and you have really funny snouts and legs and--you don't even have any horns! I'm sure glad I'm not you, because you're dead meat if Sharptooth finds you, you'd make a tasty treat.
Me? I can handle a Sharptooth, I've got horns, see? Hey, wait a minute, you're not one of the Flatfaces! You don't even have a face! What are you? And now there's more ... is this your herd? No, it can't be. Some of you are Nofaces and Onelegs and some of you are Greenskins and some of you are ... I don't know what you are, you--you Noface Nohead Noskin! You're ugly! Go away.
Hey, I don't want to play with you, go away! Don't you listen? Go away! And your friends can go away, too, I have friends already. Why are you all crowding around me, stop it! I'll hurt you, I will. Don't make me-- There, see? Look what you made me do! I told you guys I could hurt you, now you... You're getting up again? H-hey, where'd those guys from before go? There was a bunch of Greenskins, now there's a bunch of Onelegs and Noheads!
This isn't fun anymore. Littlefoot! Ducky! Petrie! Spike! You can come out now, I don't want to play with these things! Why won't anyone answer me? I know they can hear me, it's not funny! LITTLEFOOT! DUCKY! PETRIE! SPIKE! Un-be-lievable. Well, if they think I'm going to go looking for them, they're wrong. I can find my way back by myself, then they can come looking for me. Daddy! Daddy, where are you?
Alright! That's it. If everyone thinks it's so funny to just ignore me then I don't need their help. I know which way to go, it's ... that way. Yeah, that way! I'll go across the big water and Daddy and my sisters and everyone else will be waiting over there. I'll be there in no time, because Threehorns are the best swimmers there are, and I'm good at it even for a Threehorn!
What are you looking at, you ... Eightarm! Ninearm. I mean, Tenarm. Twelve... arm? I can't count that many, um... Maybe you're a Longarm. A Longlonglonglonglonglongarm. You eat green food, don't you?
I don't want to go this way anymore. I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid of anything! I just don't want to.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Shimura Shinpachi
Series: Gintama
Age: 16
Canon: Hey, remember back in 1854 when Commodore Matthew Perry forced open Japan to the foreign world, changing the course of its history forever? Yeah, well in Gintama, it was aliens. FROM SPACE. And give or take 20 years after the fact, these sentient aliens, collectively known as the Amanto, have changed the land of the samurai into an oppressed nation with some serious anachronisms. Spaceships hover over the skyline of Edo. The Shinsengumi use bazookas. Unemployed ninja deliver your pizza and religiously follow Shonen JUMP. Gintama is basically a heartwarming shonen (disguised as a gag series) having an absolutely torrid love affair with pop culture references while utterly destroying the fourth wall and toeing the line of what's acceptable to broadcast in the meantime.
Amidst all this craziness is Shimura Shinpachi: a sensible, polite, and hard-working young man saddled with the responsibility of saving the family dojo from being repossessed--but more importantly, being the flaily, overreacting straight man for all these damn jokes. Shinpachi is the one who usually makes sure his friends pay the rent or don't kill themselves drinking, and what does he get for it? Being made fun of for his status as the token "glasses character", or being told he's "only good for a punchline", or having to clean up everyone else's messes. Despite all the hardships of being painfully normal in a crazy world, Shinpachi genuinely cares about others and within him burns the heart of a true samurai.
Sample Post:
I...don't think I'm in Edo anymore. Okay, all poorly ripped-off cliché movie quotes aside, this place is really something else...did I somehow crash-land onto an alien planet without my knowledge or consent? H-have I been sold off into slavery for the money so a certain someone could pay the rent? Or rather, for booze and gambling money?! I-I'd better ask around before jumping to conclusions, first of all. I think I still have all my organs, at least...
Whoa there! Are you okay, sir? That fall looked like it hurt OH MY GOD YOUR ARM CAME OFF. Someone, anyone call an ambulance, quick! Hang in there, mister! Wait, there are just more of your kind here...then, could you be a new species of Amanto? A-appendage-dropping ones? Well, it's not like I haven't seen weirder things...um, in that case, welcome to Earth! Though I'm not sure where on Earth we are right now--actually, if we're on Earth at all, to tell you the truth. Let me see if there's a sign or something that can help us..."Brains"? I--yes, I have brains! That's a little rude considering we've just met, don't you think?
...wait. Decaying, shambling, and seeking brains...that's. That's what a zombie is, h-huh? Uh...I'll just...let you get back to whatever you're doing, then. And despite the glasses, I'm really not the smart character! Really! My brains won't be soft and moist and delicious at all! In fact, I'm supposed to be the nerdy "otaku" type, they'd probably taste like--like unemployment and perversion. Y-yes, it's exactly as you say! I'm chronically lazy, no good, even a "total lameass who'll never know the touch of a real girl and deserves to live underneath the awesomely filthy, decomposing heel of His Great Lordship Mrrghargh!" And yes, prematurely baldi--balding?! Morbidly obese and riddled with acne--aren't you just listing off stereotypes at this point?! And since when do half-rotten zombies like you get to be so stuck up, anyway?! Seriously, lordship? I'm perfectly fit with a full head of hair, as you can see...oh. You. You don't have eyes. I'm terribly sorry about that.
Anyway Lord Mrrghargh sir, I'll be off! I'm just going to go to the lake over there to enjoy some fresh lake air, I swear! Not avoiding you or anything, haha! Haha...ha--okay, I'm pretty sure we've done the horrible octopus alien monstrosity gag before. It wasn't fun getting almost eaten last time, and the audience isn't that dumb! They'll catch on to old, reused jokes eventually, especially about how those tentacles are going there and doing that to Lord Mrrghargh over there WAIT.
Th-they couldn't possibly show this kind of...thing on network TV! This isn't one of those "special" channels you have to pay extra for in your television service package, okay? The PTA will protest again and we might get canceled for real this time! S-so, Shinpachi, you have nothing to worry about, that thing's just a friendly, family-safe tentacle monster. There's no reason to fret about those tentacles going there or doing that, it's all in your head, haha...ha....this is on the Internet?
Aw, crap RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUNAWAAAAAAAAAY!!
Poll Vote!
Character: Dearka Elsman
Series: Gundam SEED Destiny
Character Age: 19
Canon: In Gundam SEED Destiny, two groups fight to out gay each other in giant robots with the use of performance enhancing drugs, terrible fashion, surprise boobies, and bad hair. It is actually quite deep and philosophical but any true meaning is lost in the shadow of the humongous faggot tree growing in the center of it all.
ZAFT (the "baddies" of the series, depending on how you view things) deeply embraces this faggot tree. Within ZAFT, an elite group of young soldiers headed by a child molester named Kleuze was formed to rock people's faces and rule the world. They kind of failed, since most of them died or ran away because of their wibbling vaginas. However, two members succeeded in spite of having a wibbling vagina and temporarily running away. These two were Yzak Jule and Dearka Elsman. Dearka is rarely mentioned without Yzak because they are a Famous Combination, kind of like bagels and creme cheese. Dearka is smooth, slick, laid-back, arrogant, and in possession of a very good sense of humor. In this respect, he is everything that his Commander isn't. Dearka also has a large gun and an 80's mullet. The latter has likely caused more kills than the former.
Sample post:
One minute we were just flying through space in our really cool ship that chicks totally dig, continuing our mission to do whatever the hell we're supposed to be doing. I think it's conquering the world or something. I fell asleep during the last mission brief, but I doubt it's changed much. Anyway, it was quiet aside from Yzak complaining, which means it was pretty noisy, but whatever. I had the latest issue of Busted Babes in my hands and everything was going great.
But since stuff always has to happen, something did. I dunno what, 'cause this month's issue was pretty damn good and page twelve had a strategically placed ZAFT logo right over her--but, suddenly I was just here, in the middle of this swamp, surrounded by you guys. You seem like pretty cool dudes considering you're purple gorillas. We don't have a lot of purple gorillas on the PLANTs. Or, uh...any.
Earth is pretty fucking weird.
Whoah, hey, I didn't mean to insult you guys. I was just saying, you kno. Ow--hey, hey--Yeah, my hair's real, thanks for noticing. Just don't get curious if the carpets match the drapes. I'd tell you how I get it styled this way but then I'd have to kill you. It's a Coordinator secret. You Natural gorillas probably wouldn't be able to handle it. It's a pretty complex process. Takes hours.
So, uh...you guys know any good places to get a burger around here? My survival training was pretty intense, but I don't think I want to eat that, especially since I watched where it came from. Wasn't that uncomfortable?
Damn, I hate it when this happens.
Worst part?
I didn't even get make it to this month's centerfold with the Lacus Clyne look alike. And I was really looking forward to that one.
Poll Vote!
Character: Suzuki Mio
Series: Kamen Rider Kiva
Character Age: 19
Canon: So, regular vampires a bit boring? Not here! In the world of Kamen Rider Kiva, the vampires, named Fangire, are made of stained glass, and like drinking life energy instead of blood. Unfortunately, that means if you're a victim, you get to turn to glass too... except not quite as prettily. At least there are people out there that might save you from such a glassy fate; in particular a young man named Kurenai Wataru, Kamen Rider Kiva.
Suzuki Mio would rather not attract any attention. A quiet, soft-spoken Fangire who can't balance a tray to save her life, Suzuki Mio has five newspaper subscriptions because she can't say no. Meek and gentle, she is terrified by the destiny that's revealed to her: That she's inherited the title of the Fangire Queen, charged with executing traitors (such as those who like humans), duties she finds hard to carry out because she, too, is guiltily in love with a human - Kurenai Wataru. Trapped in the role, and not in love with her King, Taiga, she's quietly finding the resolve to do something - anything - to free herself from her terrible fate.
Sample Post:
Gorilla Manager-san! I-I'm really sorry about the table. I'm really grateful, too, that you're letting me tell you what happened today. I don't know why I'm here, but I'm glad you gave me a job. I really do have waitressing experience!
I-I've never served as many exotic things as are on the menu. We don't have these things in Japan, not that I've heard of. I had several people ask for the mystery soup; I didn't know what that was, so I told them it was a mystery. If I wasn't supposed to do that, I'm sorry. I've never heard of a mystery soup, even though everybody there said I should. One man wanted a shoofly pie! The cook and I tried and tried, but there weren't enough flies under peoples' shoes. And was it all right to serve them crocodile stew instead? We took the shoelaces and the feet out of there first before serving....
And I-I had some drinks that I wasn't too sure of either. Two people asked for a "Bloody Mary". I-I guess that's popular over here? But we didn't have any Marys that were bloody, just some Susans, and they took offense about that, and they wanted to speak to you, except you weren't available, so I did the best I could. I know that you might not be pleased, but the guests were, so I think that's good.
Oh, you're asking about the table incident, not the food! I didn't mean to talk so much about what I did wrong today with the food. I'm sorry that I don't understand you very well. I meant to tell you about that. You see, I'm a bit clumsy, and I was reaching for a drink glass, and I fell over. Well, I didn't get out of the way fast enough, too. But most of it was I reached too far. I didn't know that the table couldn't handle my weight, I'm sorry! That crash that everybody heard? Well, at least it brought new customers....
Oh! Does... does that gesture mean you won't fire me? It does? Oh, thank you! I promise, I'll do my best!
Poll Vote!
Character: Oskar
Series: "Låt den rätte komma in" / "Let The Right One In"(book)
Character Age: 12
Canon: One could say that "Let The Right One In" is a book about the friendship between a young boy and a vampire but that wouldn't do the story of Oskar and Eli any justice. It's a grim, dark book - but not the gothic, romantic kind of grim. Set in the 1980s the world in which the withdrawn 12-year old Oskar lives is cold and miserable. Not because of vampires, but because it is the real world, with broken families, violence, crimes and loneliness.
One particular source of dread in Oskar's life are his classmates, who make a sport out of terrorizing him. He has an odd obsession with murder cases and serial killers and dreams of standing up to those who torture him. Eli, a strange girl who moves in next door, helps him become more confident. Their friendship deepens and the revelation that Eli is in fact a 200-year old vampire hardly doesn't play a role for Oskar. After all Eli only kills, when it is unavoidable, and in the end Oskar is ready to do just the same to those who threaten him - or Eli.
Sample Post:
Sorry, but I already told you; I haven't subscribed to any magazine. You are starting to get on my nerves. See, that's not my address there, I don't even have an address right now, and if I did, there wouldn't be a nasty word in it. I'm not buying anything and I don't care if you're dead or not. No, I don't have a problem with dead people. You'd be amazed, because ... nevermind.
Also, it's a junior magazine and I'm not a little child anymore. Then, the title. Why would you think I'm .... that kind of person? Just because I scored eight points on this stupid test - that doesn't mean a thing. Yeah, I also solved the "Guess the Cause of Death" riddle - but just because it was so obvious! The first one has to be arsenic because of the blood streaks in the vomit. Why, I just read a lot! It's not bad to read and know things! Some people know a lot about hockey, I just know a lot about ... this kind of stuff. See, you died of a gunshot wound, I can see that from here. Because of the tissue destruction, you know? There was a very similar case in ... oh. I see. That was not very nice of them to do. Really? All the time? Just "out of fun"? Aw, I'm sorry to hear that, because I know how that feels. No, not how to get shot but to be pushed around just because of fun. You know, my girlfriend gave me this advice to just hit back. Hard.
Speaking of that, have you seen her around? Smallish girl, black hair? I just hope she didn't go to the place where they shot you. That could be bad. Naw, I don't worry about her. She just really doesn't like bullies. Okay, if I just keep your silly magazine will you finally let me go and look for her? Fine. At least the trading cards are not that bad. Do you know who "Hannibal Lecter" is? I've got him twice.
Poll Vote!
Character: Axl
Series: Megaman X
Character Age: Unknown, but appears 14-15.
Canon: In 21XX, war was beginning. Once upon a time, a genius roboticist built the world's first free-willed, emotionally capable robot, the titular Megaman X. And X himself was a pretty cool guy, but somewhere along the way to the assembly line, people forgot that robots with free will might not always see things the way humans do. Luckily, there were always some other robots willing to stand up to them, and so the epic battle between Mavericks (who hate humans) and Maverick Hunters (who might not necessarily love humans, but at the very least, hate Mavericks) has raged on for...well, even canon's not sure how long it's been going, but it's probably been a while.
Axl is a relative newcomer to the main cast, a scrappy kid robot whose Mysterious Powers could be the difference between victory and defeat for the heroes. He shows up seven games into the series, starts a war by existing, and then helps end it, at which point he is officially inaugurated into the ranks of the good guys. He then spends the rest of his appearances being ridiculously cheerful while everybody else angsts, complaining about his itchy trigger finger, making an annoyance of himself at every opportunity, and being a much needed ray of sunshine in a cesspool of Dramah. He's as capable a fighter as anyone else on the main team, and he takes the war seriously and gets things done -- he just does it with a little more moxie and a lot less seriousface. Axl's the kind of guy who seems like he's having fun ninety-five percent of the time; when even he stops joking around, you know shit just got real.
Sample Post:
Okay, everybody here? Awesome. So now we...uh, right, I guess I should try to sound all official or whatever, huh. Ahem. Operation: Sombrero Sentai will now commence! Our mission: annoy the hell out of everyone in a one mile radius, look good while doing it, and prove that even Chocolate Rain becomes awesome with a properly applied mariachi groove. And hey, who knows -- if we're annoying enough, maybe we'll luck out and get kicked out of this hellhole for good, and that's a cause worth fighting for. All troops report in!
-- okay, no, no, no. You've got no enthusiasm. Where's your spirit? I want to hear that loud, guys. From the diaphragm! Big voice! Open your throat and oh dude did you just unhinge your jaw? Ew. You've got to remember, enthusiasm is half the battle, and...okay, I forget what the other half is, but at least if you listen to me, you're halfway winning.
Uh. Anyway, nobody ever won a battle empty-handed. Equipment! Pants, shirts, standard issue sombreros, all check! It's really hard to find trumpets and guitars around here so we're just going to have to make do with these kazoos, and a box with rubber bands wrapped around the opening. I don't think it should be that big of a deal, really. It's got charm, right? Of course it does. Let's tune up -- hey, uh, could you try not to blow your lips off with the kazoo?
It's still a little flat, but you'll get better at that. And if you don't, people will learn to deal with it. Or they'll just throw tomatoes at you, but everyone loves free produce, so it's a win-win situation. My commanding officer used to tell us this whenever we got discouraged...uh...what did he tell us again? I don't know. I don't do discouraged. But I bet it was pretty inspirational, whatever it was. Just pretend I said something awesome there and let's play a few scales, okay?
Hey, that doesn't sound half bad, guys! I'm pretty sure mariachi groups don't usually play with that kind of dissonance, but whatever. Charm. Not much point to making music if we're not going to strive for our own unique sound, right? Those birds falling out of the trees just don't understand our artistic vision, don't worry about them. We're about to make history here! First zombie mariachi group ever recorded has a pretty nice ring to it, if you ask me.
I think that's about everything, huh? Let's find someone to terrorize. Sombrero Sentai are go!
Poll Vote!
Character: Littlefoot
Series: The Land Before Time
Character Age: BABY DINOSAUR. (under a year)
Canon: You've all heard of the extinction of the dinosaurs, right? The Ambiguous Late Cretaceous [sic?] was a pretty crazy time. Earthshakes rocked the ground at every turn, splitting up families and herds along with the ground. The color palettes in the animation studios were distressingly free of green for a while, tightening the metaphorical belts of both plant and meat-eaters. In the midst of a great migration towards one of the few sheltered green places left, a group of infant dinosaurs were born - and, separated from their parents by death and chance, forced to band together despite racism! it's bad for you, kids! species differences to make it on their own to the Great Valley.
Littlefoot is the fearless Longneck leader of the five hungry dinosaur babies who make their journey to the Great Valley alone, even if "fearless" is stating the case much too strongly. Though he spends a lot of the early part of the movie crippled with baaaww over the death of his mother, he moves past it in order to lead his friends towards the Great Valley that she told him to find. His sadness and assumption of authority tends to alienate him a little from his companions, but his basic faith in the ability of anyone to be friends and his reassuring nature rallies the others around him. Not to say that he's perfect; he doubts himself often, can talk himself into thinking his opinion is the only one without too much trouble, and can be goaded into fights too easily if the situation gets tense. But it's all straightforward - he's just a little kid. A good kid, a reliable kid, but just a child. None of the group would've made it to the valley without each other.
Sample Post:
Wow... what kind of Flyer are you? I've never seen that kind of fuzz all over anything but a plant before. You can't be a plant and a Flyer at the same time, right? I guess you could be a bug... eewww, a giant bug! That's gross. Giant bugs, all flying around in a herd - hahaha, would that even be the right word? A swarm of giant furry bugs, none of the others are even going to believe me - hey! Hey, that hurt! Stop throwing those! Come back!
Um... Thank you for coming back. I'm sorry I called you bugs. I-I mean, if you aren't. Ow, your beak is sharp! Fine! You're not bugs! Your colors are really pretty and stuff, not like a bug. It's just that my mother never told me about Flyers with those weird fluffy bits all over them. I've only heard of the plant-eaters around where our herd was from: that's the normal Flyers, the Swimmers, the Threehorns, the Spiketails, and the Longnecks like me. Fluffy Flyers wasn't in there anywhere, and none of the others I've met were fluffy either. Are you from another place? I guess you must be... it's not like Mother had a lot of time to, to tell me anything about other places, before that Sharptooth -- but I was really little then! I'm bigger now! Anyway, I guess you couldn't tell me the way back to the Great Valley, huh? I didn't think I'd gone that far, but there weren't any fire mountains like this there.
You've never been to the Great Valley? Why not? It's a really good place, I promise - and you could just fly there instead of walking all the way! It's the best place, with no green food around at times like this. Fire mountains aren't all that safe to live on, you know, and they don't have a lot of green food on them! Do... do you want to come with me? It'd be easy for you to keep up with those wings, or I guess I could follow along after you. It's safer, since there are definitely more Sharpteeth out there somewhere. I got there with a bunch of my friends once before, you know? And it was an easier trip with all of us together.
Huh? What do you mean, my mom wanted to go there? Yeah, she did, what's wrong with that? She's the one who told me the way. And what are you saying "your mom" like that for anyway, it sounds weird! Hmph, that's a stupid thing to get all excited about. You're sort of weird anyway -- SHUT UP, MY MOM WAS NOT WEIRD. She was the best person ever, even a stupid Flyer like you should be able to see that! You take that back! You take that back or I'll --
...wow, I've never seen a fire mountain erupt in that color before. Is that how you got so pink? But listen, if you don't stop saying bad things about my mom, I'm gonna - I'm gonna - I'm... stuck. I'm stuck. Why is the fire from the fire mountain pink and sticky. I can't move my feet. It's all over me, eewww.
H-help?
Poll Vote!
Character: Cera
Series: The Land Before Time
Character Age: ... A baby dinosaur. Less than a year old.
Canon: Once upon a time, a long time ago, with absolutely no regard for science or the geological periods established by paleontologists, a group of dinosaurs on the brink of salvation set off for the mythical Great Valley, a place filled with more green food and tree stars than any of them can imagine. Many different species join the journey, Longnecks and Threehorns and Spiketails and Bigmouths, all hunted by the dreaded Sharpteeth; but despite all being in the same boat, making the same pilgrimage, the dinosaurs keep to their own kind, and their own herds, because that's the way things have always been.
Cera is a three-foot-long young Threehorn, she has skin like armor, and she's so heavy and so strong she can knock down walls of solid rock without even trying--but in her world, compared to the giant predators and massive monsters she meets, she's positively tiny. She scarcely seems aware of the fact, though, and she's been running into things headfirst before she even hatched. Now, still a very young child, Cera is a spoiled brat and stubborn beyond belief, and she's full of distain for any animal that's not a Threehorn like herself. But after the great earthshake separates her from her family and Cera crosses paths with a hungry Sharptooth, she has no choice but to follow the Longneck Littlefoot and his friends, because Littlefoot is the only one among them who knows the way to safety, their families, and the Great Valley.
Sample Post:
Why does everyone keep running away? Come back, come back! What about me? I didn't say you guys can go, I'm lost, so how am I supposed to know where I am? Oh, just run away, then! I don't need you anyway, I don't! Threehorns don't talk to ... to Flatfaces like you! My father says that--that-- ... well maybe he never talked about funny looking Flatfaces, I don't know what you're like. But you're small and weak and you have really funny snouts and legs and--you don't even have any horns! I'm sure glad I'm not you, because you're dead meat if Sharptooth finds you, you'd make a tasty treat.
Me? I can handle a Sharptooth, I've got horns, see? Hey, wait a minute, you're not one of the Flatfaces! You don't even have a face! What are you? And now there's more ... is this your herd? No, it can't be. Some of you are Nofaces and Onelegs and some of you are Greenskins and some of you are ... I don't know what you are, you--you Noface Nohead Noskin! You're ugly! Go away.
Hey, I don't want to play with you, go away! Don't you listen? Go away! And your friends can go away, too, I have friends already. Why are you all crowding around me, stop it! I'll hurt you, I will. Don't make me-- There, see? Look what you made me do! I told you guys I could hurt you, now you... You're getting up again? H-hey, where'd those guys from before go? There was a bunch of Greenskins, now there's a bunch of Onelegs and Noheads!
This isn't fun anymore. Littlefoot! Ducky! Petrie! Spike! You can come out now, I don't want to play with these things! Why won't anyone answer me? I know they can hear me, it's not funny! LITTLEFOOT! DUCKY! PETRIE! SPIKE! Un-be-lievable. Well, if they think I'm going to go looking for them, they're wrong. I can find my way back by myself, then they can come looking for me. Daddy! Daddy, where are you?
Alright! That's it. If everyone thinks it's so funny to just ignore me then I don't need their help. I know which way to go, it's ... that way. Yeah, that way! I'll go across the big water and Daddy and my sisters and everyone else will be waiting over there. I'll be there in no time, because Threehorns are the best swimmers there are, and I'm good at it even for a Threehorn!
What are you looking at, you ... Eightarm! Ninearm. I mean, Tenarm. Twelve... arm? I can't count that many, um... Maybe you're a Longarm. A Longlonglonglonglonglongarm. You eat green food, don't you?
I don't want to go this way anymore. I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid of anything! I just don't want to.
Poll Vote!