(no subject)
SECOND ROUND, GO GO GO. - shit, wait, if I'm posting from this account, I need 8 apps in this batch, clearly. SHUT UP.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. good god, CLOSED.
Character name: The Question
Series: Justice League Unlimited: DC Animated Universe.
Age: Unknown! Likely late twenties to early thirties.
Job: Offline Network Organizer
Canon: Justice League Unlimited is the sequel series to the Justice League. The league was once an exclusive, only slightly elitist, club for the seven founding members. But now, membership is unlimited!1 The original team opens its doors to all the super heroes of the world now--even those we never knew existed because all they got were a few crappy comic issues in the 80s. Equal opportunity gig! Both serious business and wacky hijinx ensue with the additional cast of characters as they work to make Earth a better place. And hey, how boring can you get when you're in a clubhouse full of super humans in SPACE?
The Question is one of the many heroes in the league--of course, whether he was actually invited or just showed up someday is to be debated. Donning his trademark blue trenchcoat and faceless mask, The Question is as strange as they come. He's the guy clipping out yesterday's newspaper articles, the one going through your trash, the person rambling at you randomly during lunch, and the guy who casually breaks through security glass while humming annoying boy band tunes. Despite all his quirks, Question is an ace detective and knows how to do his homework. Emo crimelord backstory? He knows it. Plotting an evil presidential campaign to tick off Superman? He'll figure it out. Organizing a secret fight club? He. . .well, he'd ignore that and focus on his latest ice cream conspiracy. The Question has an endless supply of questions and exists to connect the dots even when there aren't any dots left. But hey, whoever said dots were the only things that could be connected?
Sample Entry:
Ah, Louisiana. Home to gators, swamp monsters, Popeye's mind controlling buttered biscuits, and now, a children's prison camp. Oh--my mistake, summer camp. Is that what they're calling it these days?
--woah there, a little quick to point the finger, aren't we? Or rather, the shotgun. Just because you don't see a face doesn't automatically make me part of the walking dead. Last I checked, my limbs were still intact. Now now, I'll get off your lawn in just a second. I'm just your friendly local Network Organizer, after all. You don't believe me? Well . . . that's a start. People need to start asking a few more questions around here. Take those real zombies there, for example. Ever stop to ask if it was actually your brains they were after? For all you know, 'brains' is merely a code word for something far more sinister. And if you pay a bit more attention, you'll see there's something a little off about this place on the whole.
. . . I know what you're thinking. A summer camp operating outside of the summer? Of course something is off about that, anyone would notice. You say the exotic birds were a big tip off too, hm? Well, you're wrong. Basing assumptions on Toucan Sam there will lead to nothing but dead ends. You have to look beyond the obvious, beyond the giant tentacle waving from the lake. In fact, wave back. Common courtesy is a rarity these days. But after you've done that, do you see it? The point that everyone else has missed? The question no one ever asks? Well, I'll ask it for you.
Where did all the kittens come from?
With all the exotic wildlife running about, no one pays attention to the seemingly ordinary household pet. But I do. And I know that they have a purpose. An awful, terrible purpose. Oh, but it doesn't end there. You're being watched. We all are. The Director? Please. Elizabeth Sayre is under more surveillance than a soprano in a glass store. You see, we're part of a grander scheme here. Someone else is calling the shots--or rather, someones. Ever wondered why we have unlimited access to the internet out in the bayou? And why we're all connected to one network--this Livejournal. Those so called glitches and glimpses of a fabled Deadjournal--are they really glitches? You're quick to blame the Russians, but this goes beyond their small-fry spam schemes. In reality, Frank's nibbling at the wires, all right. They're getting into our heads. Every single comment you make and every action you take is all according to their plan. And every time you make a post, every time another 'camper' arrives, every time you give a friend yet another kitten, the cycle will continue.
Everything is connected. There's a reason for every action. But what is that reason? And why must it take place in the Deep South? That . . . is the question.
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Thaddeus S. Venture
Series: The Venture Bros.
Age: 43
Job: Career Advisor
Canon: Part Jonny Quest homage and part sendup of silver-age comics, The Venture Bros. might best be described as an ode to failure... and perhaps no one in the series embodies the spirit of failure more than Dr. Venture. Once upon a time, little Rusty was a bright-eyed young adventurer, tagging along with his super-scientist father, riding pterodactyls, and getting his picture stamped on lunchboxes across America. Thirty years later, that spunky little boy has grown up into a cynical, neurotic, pill-popping husk of a man, embittered by his inability to live up to the grand legacy of his late father. His adventures as of late are usually by accident rather than by choice -- for example, having both of his kidneys stolen while lecturing at a community college in Tijuana.
Dr. Venture (who, incidentally, dropped out of college, and is not actually a doctor of anything) has taken over running the company his father started, though with markedly less success. Though he has a massive ego, his lack of ingenuity and business skill has reduced him to selling off his father's creations for a quick buck; his own inventions, when they don't fail completely, are useless at best and utterly amoral at worst (one, known as the "Joy Can", was powered by the heart of a dead orphan). He is the father of twin sons, Hank and Dean (the titular Venture brothers), but his approach to parenting -- like nearly everything else he does -- is self-centered and largely ineffective. He usually relies on his bodyguard Brock to keep them out of trouble, and a handy supply of clones, just in case.
Sample Entry:
Ommatokoita elongata is a worm-like crustacean that spends its days anchored in the eyeball of the Greenland shark, feasting upon the scrumptious eye jelly contained within. The shark, of course, is blinded, but the parasite's presence does attract small fish for the shark to eat. This, like most so-called symbiotic relationships, is actually a total gyp. Turns out nature isn't as pretty as Finding Nemo would have you believe.
Got your attention? Good. I'm Dr. Thaddeus Venture, super-scientist and... career advisor, apparently... here to guide you on your journey of self-discovery and shepherd you towards the bright future that lies ahead of you! . . . Yeah, right. That's a laugh. Why, just look at me! Here I am, a genius super-scientist with years of experience behind me, reduced to playing camp counselor for a bunch of kids. I'm not gonna say it's unfulfilling, I'm just saying when you've seen one interdimensional prison camp, you've seen 'em all. But hey, whatever. The sooner I get this done, the sooner we can all get the hell out of here. So! Career advice! Listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna go through this once.
First off, examine your interests, skills, and talents. What's important to you? What do you enjoy doing? What were your best subjects in school? Think long and hard about what you love to do, and then come to terms with the knowledge that getting paid to do it will ultimately make you hate everything that has anything to do with it, and wonder why you ever enjoyed it in the first place. Oh right, and it helps if you don't totally suck at what you want to do. Unless you're like, living off a trust fund or something. Spoiled little bastards.
Figured out some possible career paths that theoretically won't make you want to take your own life? Super neato! Now, it's time to get experience. This is how people without ambition -- or, in some cases, sex appeal -- spend their college years! And while you're draining your precious youth and your parents' money figuring out what you like and what you don't, other people will be sharpening their god-given talents into fine points that they can impale you on.
Once you've finally settled on an area of interest, find a job you can really commit to. Something you won't feel guilty shoving your family and social life to the side for. Remember, if you can't invest every waking moment of your time and energy into your future career, you're doomed to a life of mediocrity. You don't get government grants for family pizza night.
Finally -- and you're going to want to write this down, 'cause this is the really important one -- be willing to change and adapt. Moral dilemmas? You don't get those luxuries in the fast-paced world of capitalism! Crimes against nature, humanity, and God? Well, what did those dicks ever do for you anyway? The government comes knocking at your door, asking for a super-powered death ray powered by the powdered bones of tiny baby pandas? By golly, you sign that contract and buy yourself a Hummer! After all, nothing will make you more successful or popular than being willing to compromise every last one of your values. This ties back in to the first point.
I'm sure one or two of you little bastards will actually take this lesson to heart and... I dunno, believe in yourself or whatever. Not my fault your dreams are about to be crushed like a swan on the freeway.
Poll Vote!
Character: Anton Briggs
Series: Dexter (Television series)
Character Age: Late twenties-early thirties
Job: Improvisational Camp Song Writer
Canon: Ever had an urge you can’t deny? Dexter Morgan knows the feeling well. His father trained him from a young boy to take out bad guys in order to curb his uncontrollable urge to kill, living by a rigid code to prove his actions as righteous. While he did this, he was supposed to act normal: eventually hold a job, be a good brother and boyfriend … all while hiding his secret life as a serial killer. But this is less about Dexter and more about his sister Debra, and her struggle to prove herself worthy of the detective’s shield leading her to meeting some interesting people.
One such example is the laid-back guitarist, Anton Briggs. He’s a CI (Confidential Informant, AKA snitch) for the Miami Police Department who Debra finds herself poking for information regarding a string of murders. Anton himself is smooth-talking and a little self-serving at first glance. At this same glance, he probably comes off as a little irresponsible and immature, prodding and provoking and hardly taking things seriously-even going out of his way to be a bit of an ass. A shining example of this was when he poked at a police officer by singing a song about her in Spanish, only for it to turn out that it was about how she’s a bitch. Immature isn’t a bad word for him, with lack of motivation and tendency to smoke a joint occasionally, but there’s more beneath the surface. Though he’s a little too light-hearted and relaxed, he’s appreciative, understanding, and even a little heroic in his own right. Sure, he’s not always on the right side of the law, but he’s a good guy despite it. And given the opportunity, he’s more than willing to prove that.
Sample Post:
Hey, now, ladies, don’t get so riled up. Isn’t this meant to be a party? Really now, you’re barely strung together. It’s a new way of being high strung, isn’t it? Sayre said this was supposed to be for some celebration. Four years and going strong at Camp Fuck U Die, right? And from what these guides say, I can’t help but wonder what kind of shit’s gone down here. But that’s not my business, really. I’m just meant to be an entertainer. Sure, I know, I could try and be a little more involved with things, but that’s just not my style. I’m a little more into kicking back, letting things go-though ladies, ladies, I wouldn’t let go of your hands like that. You might need that when the guys start showing up. Unless you’re into a little improvisation yourself, if you know what I mean.
All right, so Sayre’s memo said this was meant to be a bit of an impromptu party, a head start before the anniversary hits. I can’t say I know for sure what she was getting at, but let’s go with it. This place doesn’t really seem like the right one for a party, but someone made an attempt. There’s toes and eyeballs in the soup bowls for what I’d guess is dinner, and the decorations are sheets covered in blood. I’d ask you all why, but it doesn’t seem like any of you are up for a real chat. But I get it, mamas. Shy, a little anxious, waiting for the clock to strike. And even if you look fine now, I bet you’re just waiting for your fairy godmothers to show up and make you look the right part. At least I hope so. Maybe Sayre’s waiting on that to make this place look right, too. Who knows? I certainly don’t.
That’s not my responsibility. I’m just here to make sure the music’s right for the night. Improv, use some older songs, and none of that crap Sayre’s been letting you have for a while. You can only go on about being caught in a landslide without an escape from reality for so long. The only clause is I’ve gotta make sure it’s occasion appropriate. I need to make sure the music appreciates our lovely director as much as we appreciate her efforts around here. And I know I’m new and all, but I think I’ve got a little Spanish ditty in mind to appreciate her just right. You all ready to hear it? Well, you’ve still got your ears, so I’ll take that as a yes.
Sadist, she’s a sadist, holding us all up in here
Can’t help but be a mean bitch to us all
But hey, can you blame her? She lost her fiancé, after all
What a sadist
She’ll never-
… Ha, well, that bird just told me I wasn’t singing in the language I’d have preferred. Automatic translation or something like that. Well, Sayre, if you’re listening, I guess I’ll have to make it up to you. Just give me a little time, and I’m sure we can work something out.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Nago Keisuke
Series: Kamen Rider Kiva
Character Age: 22
Job: Cleaning Man
Canon: It's 2008 and Japan is under attack by vampires that sparkle while they drain people's lives away. The first line of protection against these "fangire" falls to the Wonderful Aozora Association, a small group of dedicated men and women who use advanced technology to try and take the fangires down before they kill too many humans. They are aided by the mysterious Kamen Rider Kiva, who shows up to defeat fangire before disappearing. The story is told simultaneously in 1986 and 2008, often to show how events from the past shape the present. In both years, the crown of the Association's armory is a mechanical suit known as IXA, and in 2008 the main user of IXA is Nago Keisuke.
Just as IXA resembles a paladin, Nago fights for his ideals with fanatical fervour. He is completely confident that his way is the only correct way and that he can never be wrong- at one point he complains that God has made a mistake rather than admit to being wrong himself. He is also deeply conservative, disliking rock music because it isn't contributing to the good of society, and being shocked at a couple co-habiting before marriage. When he's not fighting fangire, Nago works as a bounty hunter chasing down those who have evaded justice. Whenever he catches a bad guy, he rips a button from their shirt to add to his collection. This is less of a habit and more of an obsession for him, to the point that he's willing to spring a man from custody in order to take his button. Towards the end of the series he learns to be a little more trusting of people who have proved themselves worthy in his eyes, but his heart remains as full of firey justice as always.
Sample Post:
This encampment is corrupt. I, Nago Keisuke, will erase that corruption until there is not a speck of filth left. You may be thinking that this job is too enormous for one man, but I am confident that I can handle it. In fact, I have already begun by removing all of the underwear so shamelessly hanging from the branches of one of the trees I encountered. If those responsible will step forward, I will decide upon a proper punishment for them. If there are no volunteers, then I will assign you all punishment until someone admits to it. Your loyalty is impressive, but the kind of person who would display lacy panties for everyone to see is not the kind of person you should look up to. Instead, please direct your loyalty towards me.
Until someone admits to this travesty, all of you will assist me in the cleansing of the camp. Those of you who impress me may be offered a chance to become my students. This is not an invitation to be taken lightly, and I will be watching you closely to see if you are worthy. Your first task will be to restore the lake to its former glory. This is perhaps the biggest task that faces us, so I expect you to give it your all. No excuses are acceptable, especially not "there's a huge tentacle monster in the lake that wants to badtouch me". First of all, "badtouch" is not a word, you should say "touch me in bad places". But more importantly, tentacle monsters do not exist. I am aware of the rumours, but you should not be ruled by such unproductive scaremongering. Do not believe what you hear from others, believe only what I tell you. And I am telling you that from now on, any mention of tentacle monsters is banned.
The water in the lake is so foul that it should not even be classified as water anymore, so we will drain it completely before refilling it with purely distilled water. I have provided you with buckets for this purpose. If you work quickly it should not take more than a week, especially under my supervision. This will also serve as excellent physical training, so you should be grateful for the opportunity. Don't groan about it! You cannot serve your community properly if you aren't in top physical and mental form. In fact, as you run to and from the lake you may start your mental training as well by giving me a list of things that need improving in this camp, and how this might be achieved. Begin!
... I see. Yes, that may well be the only course of action that will eliminate the corruption entirely from this place. After we have completed work on the lake that will be our next task. This camp must die in a fire in order to rise from the ashes reborn.
Poll Vote!
Character: Zack Fair
Series: Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core
Character Age: 24
Job: Pick-Up Phrase Provider for You (P.U.P.P.Y.)
Canon: Welcome to Crisis Core, where the flower girl heroine is just starting to top a boyfriend, the hero Cloud Strife is but a wee soldier, the pretty boy psycho Sephiroth is a sane role model, and your hero is Zack Fair, a member of the elite military group known as SOLDIER. Taking place a few years before Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core tells an unsung story of one young man's dream to be a hero. Confident and loyal, Zack takes pride in what he does despite the public's negative opinion of SOLDIER and ShinRa, the company that owns him and most of the world. Whether it's pesky Wutai soldiers rebelling or monsters causing problems in Midgar, Zack's there to handle it! Nicknamed "puppy" by his mentor and higher-ups, Zack fits the name quite nicely with his enthusiastic and cheerful personality. He ends up adopting a certain cute little blond soldier after the two bond over being country hicks, and he's a bit of a flirt and has a rep as a playboy, too. But he's really the kind of guy you end up taking home anyway because he's such a cute failure about it. Who could say no to a guy that takes the time to pick up a call from his girl right before fighting a giant looming dragon? (He'll call right back.)
It's not all sunshine and rainbows, especially when the bad guys you have to fight were once the men you looked up to, and your friends end up going completely insane. Being locked up and experimented on for five years would make even the strongest hero crack, after all. But not Zack - Zack stays true to his values and beliefs of pride and determination, even while he drags Cloud's comatose ass across the world and ultimately dies protecting him. He's remembered as a cheerful, brimming force to be reckoned with. Because taking down an entire army and passing on his legacy to a future Final Fantasy hero, all the while smiling, is what becoming a hero means to Zack Fair.
Sample Post:
Is that girl of your dreams not giving you the time of day? Do you fumble over your words when your asking that pretty little girl, boy, or gorilla out on a date? Do you struggle through awkward times where your jaw falls off just from looking at her? Or are you just too chicken to man up and talk to the person of your dreams? If you answered "yes" to any of these, then you're in luck! My name's Zack Fair, and I've been hired to teach you how to say just the thing to make your girl or guy light up like Midgar on a Saturday night. And if you haven't been to Midgar, you should take a trip! Especially the slums - you guys would fit right in. If you do go, definitely go see the flowers. And bring a lot of money, they don't come cheap!
But getting back to the job, say you're walking along and you see a girl. Real pretty, you know, the kind of girl that makes you think of an angel. And that feeling's building up in the pit of your stomach, but it's okay to be nervous! In fact it's normal to be, especially when you're about to walk up to her and talk. But don't let it stop you - square your shoulders, puff out your chest, take a deep breath and go for it! And remember to smile and be yourself - those two things are the most important! And once you've got her attention? That's where you say the line. And that's the tricky part you guys are having problems with, right? Ha ha, no wonder you need a counselor for this stuff!
Here, I'll give you an example of how I'd do it. Are you guys paying attention? Good! So I see 'em, the one. And I put on my best smile and walk right over, watching them the whole time. And I wait until I've got their attention and they ask if anything's wrong . . . and I look them right in the eyes and go "Your eyes remind me of the ocean, and I think I'm lost at sea." . . . Hahaha, it wouldn't come out that smooth, I'd stumble over it a little bit, but girls like guys who can make them laugh, right? And they'll think it's cute that you're nervous! If that's not your kind of line, you can make it more your style, like "When they said you were drop-dead gorgeous, they weren't kidding!" . . . hmm, that one could use some work. But you get the idea. Don't worry so much, just wing it and be yourself and you'll have it in the bag! And if the line doesn't work, well - it got you two talking, didn't it? Man, if I had a gil for every time a line flopped . . .
Anyway, when you're doing all this, don't come on too strong either, or you'll scare them away or worse, end up meeting their hand or their fist. We're trying to charm them, not anything past that! So dropping a line like "If you're Wutai and I'm ShinRa, can I storm your fortress?" is definitely not the one you want to start off with. Trust me on that one. That kind of line is a level 3 and the kind you only use if you're absolutely confident in yourself. Instead of saying that, say something like . . . "You must be a summon, because you answered my call and dropped down from heaven." See how much better that sounds? I used that one once and she was so floored she didn't know what to say!
I can tell you guys look pretty nervous, but have more confidence in yourselves! I know you can do this! Just remember what I told you and you'll have that girl, guy, or gorilla in no time. So now that you've got an idea of what to do, why don't you guys give me a hand and we'll come up with a few things to say to your --
-- whoa, hey! When I said "give me a hand" that's definitely not what I had in mind. Why don't you just . . . stay over there. A little excited to try out what I just taught you, huh? I like your determination, buddy, but I'm not THAT Fair!
Poll Vote!
Character: Freddy Krueger
Series: Nightmare on Elm Street
Age: Immortal
Job: Jason Voorhees
Canon:
One, two. Freddy's coming for you~
Three, four. Better lock your door~
Five, six. Grab your crucifix~
Seven, eight. Gonna stay up late~
Nine, ten. Never sleep again~
The knives on his glove. The burns on his face. Freddy Krueger is a hardcore movie monster straight out of your nightmares and/or the eighties. Don't fall asleep, because once you're asleep you're at Freddy's mercy, and mercy's not exactly his best virtue. His backstory involves copious amounts of meta, mass teenacide, dream demons, an angry mob, serial murder, getting whipped by Alice Cooper, cutting before cutting was cool, and 100 maniacs raping a nun, in reverse order. He can't be killed, at least, not longer than it takes to make a new sequel.
Freddy's likes are killing teenagers, making jokes so unfunny they're hilarious, calling people 'bitch', and Christmas colors. His dislikes are being forgotten, and not being able to kill teenagers.
Sample Post:
Wooo, I'm Jaaaaason. Look at my hoooockey mask. I'm sooooo scaaaary. Never mind that I'm a mama's boy crybaby who makes Normon Bates look normal, or that I'm afraid of water, or that I don't even fucking play hockey. Let's face it; Mike Myers is scarier, and I'm not talking about the one from Halloween. I sure wish I were a manly stud like Freddy Krueger.
How do you like the mask, by the way? The stripes were my little touch. An arts and crafts project. A guy's gotta do something between killing all your friends and... whatever else it is that Jason does. Weeping into his hockey mask and jerking off over Jared Padalecki, I assume... All right, you caught me. I'm not really Jason. Nice detective work, by the way. You a private dick or just the regular kind?
So you're probably wondering why I'm here, and why you're nailed to a tree. Well let me tell you, that Pam Voorhees is one clingy bitch. Play with her son once and you'll never hear the end of it. Do I look like I wanted to go on another playdate? I'm motherfucking Freddy Krueger; I don't share franchises, I don't share teenagers, and there aren't any Elm Streets in space. I don't care if we've both got Michael Bay's phone number. You want a domestic monster, you call up Chucky. And you know what they say about dead women not being able to say no? Yeah, well. She's colder than the grave.
But enough about me. Let's talk about you. Take a seat on the red and green couch. We're going to have a little chat about your dreams. Remember the other night, when you had that nightmare about the banana slugs eating your balls? That was me. And then last night, when you dreamed that you escaped camp only to end up locked up at an eternal furry con? Yeah, that was me too. And the one where your finger fell off because you were long-lost stigmatic twins with amputee-stripper Lindsay Lohan? That one was all you, you sick fuck. And you wonder why no one will ever love you.
Don't you worry your pretty little head about that, though. I'll always be the man of your dreams. Freddy's back... bitch.
Poll Vote!
Character: Balthier
Series: Final Fantasy XII
Age: 22
Job: Camp Stagehand
Canon: Final Fantasy XII takes place in the world of Ivalice, a fantasy world full of complex politics, personalities and power. As the game opens, the king of Dalmasca is killed via treachery, the kingdom taken over by the Archadian Empire, and the princess declared dead by her own hand. The princess must then try to regain her throne and her country's independence - and she'll take whatever help she can get to accomplish that. Of course, the Archadian Empire isn't as monolithic an opponent as it seems. As the game progresses, power changes hands, and more of the story of the world is revealed, it becomes apparent just how much of history can actually be shaped by the hands of man - and particularly by a small adventuring party of six.
The self-proclaimed leading man of the party, Balthier is a sky pirate - a job that takes all types, so long as you have an airship and a sense of independence. Balthier acts according to the romantic vision of the term, though: a gentleman thief, quick with a quip, who makes every adventure into a flamboyant show. How much of that act is deliberately cultivated to hide his unglamorous past in Archades is up for debate. Although at first Balthier makes a point of playing the mercenary and making sure he's compensated for his assistance, he quickly becomes swept up in the quest and provides support and mentorship to the party, whether they are navigating monster-infested ancient tombs or the rigid social structures of Archades. Perhaps most importantly, he provides transportation in his airship, the Strahl.
Note: The game's side quests largely take the form of tasks, known as "hunts," to find and kill rare and powerful enemies.
Sample Post:
Lady Director, I'm afraid I've been misunderstood. You see, this bill posted for a "Stagehand" seemed to be highly ranked, and so I was hoping for a challenging monster to exercise my skills. A substantial reward would have been ideal, as well - a pirate doesn't do these sorts of things for charity's sake, after all. I can only assume that the mind of the man who posted it was so addled by the tavern's fine offerings that placing a part-time job request on the hunt board seemed an amusing idea. I would welcome the opportunity to let him know he is not as clever as he thinks. However, it seems you're under the impression that by inspecting the bill I have accepted the job, and I meant no such thing by it. Even were I so out of luck as to descend to working with an amateur theater, it certainly would not be as a stagehand. A leading man works in the spotlight, not behind the scenes; that much should be readily apparent to anyone.
In any case, you appear to be lacking a rather vital component: a stage. Without that I would just be a hand, you see, and there already seem to be a surplus of those about, some of which are less intact and attached to the relevant limbs than I'd prefer. To begin, you might see about hiring a novice adventurer to clear out some of the local undead. Some street rat looking to work his way up from slaying rodents in the sewers, perhaps. I see you have moogles present, as well; they are much more skilled at surveying and construction than myself, particularly in a place so ill-suited to the task as this swamp, so I suggest you take advantage of them. Meanwhile, I'll be taking my leave.
...Ah. If you've taken my ship, that does complicate things a bit. You see, I'm not terribly fond of being tied down. But all this world's your stage, you say? In that case, you should at least invest in some proper scenery; monsters aside, this place is as bare and bleak as the basest dungeon. Perhaps you're in need of something of a stagehand after all. The Strahl would certainly provide a backdrop with the proper glamour and spectacle, if you'd like to proffer it? ...No, I suppose it never is quite that easy, is it.
Very well then - I'll concede for now. I'd suggest starting work with your lighting. The lake does provide a certain ambient mood, I suppose, but you should direct more effort into accentuating the action, particularly if you're truly intent on audience participation. After all, without a proper setup, audience attention could be drawn to your stagehand, and you wouldn't want that, would you? I do always appreciate comments, but while I'm flattered by offers of marriage, I'd not like to be tied down in that sense, either.
Poll Vote!
Character: Fran
Canon: Final Fantasy XII
Age: Over 50 years old, but appears mid-twenties.
Job: Inter Species Relations Counselor
Canon: Political turmoil and war have ripped through Ivalice. But behind the flimsy pretext for war is a battle to possess stones of great power and change the course of history itself. In grand RPG tradition, the only hope for peace and salvation is a mix of secret royalty, disgraced knights, thieves and pirates. Only their intervention can stop those who would meddle in both the flow of human history or of the semi-tangible magick called Mist. The oldest and arguably wisest of the party is Fran.
Fran is a viera, a race of long lived rabbit-featured people who are deeply in tune with nature. Being the only non-hume (human) of the party she has a unique perspective on events and primarily acts as a voice of wisdom for her party. She doesn’t speak often, and when she does she comes off as calm if not a bit cold. But under her detached exterior she is dedicated to helping her friends and willing to sacrifice herself if necessary. Fran also has the unique ability to sense the Mist, though it’s not always good for her.
Sample Post:
The gods toy with me. I was told this job would include taking care of undead but I did not expect to interpret that statement in such a way. My experience does not lie in helping abominations like you create lasting friendships but in sending your kind to a lasting end. Now that I’m here, it matters little. I have been contracted and I will not disappoint. Yet do not take my acceptance of this task as leave to treat me any way you wish. No matter your fondness for the game, the next one of you who tries to “pat the bunny” will not be spared.
Despite your best efforts thus far, this is not the worst job I have taken. I understand your wish to roam far and see with your own eyes the world. Even those lacking proper eyes may still experience such freedom. Should you be willing to pay the price we all must pay to leave our homes, then I will help in what ways I can. You have far to go before you will be accepted among outlanders. With work you may yet achieve your goals.
To that end, you requested that I talk to you about getting to the brains of the humes. An admirable attempt, that. But I am not so easily fooled. With your current skill, against a group of even half-witted humes, your chances are too small to count. No matter your numbers, you are harmless and armless in equal measures. Had I will to teach you, you would not have strength of soul or body to learn. I suggest you look past this dream of brains and seek something you can more easily sink your teeth into. Strength may be found where you least expect.
Look to your wood. The Mist here is strong, but in a way unlike any I’ve felt before. Where usually it burns, this Mist has a light touch. It seems the will of this wood is to tease rather than assault the senses. A small kindness, but still a kindness. It seems the wood cares a great deal for you, despite your unfortunate condition. You would do well to learn from her. Everywhere you look there are symbols of her strength and life. Do you not wish to stand erect and tall as the trees do? Or will you stand by and let your wood go soft?
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. good god, CLOSED.
Character name: The Question
Series: Justice League Unlimited: DC Animated Universe.
Age: Unknown! Likely late twenties to early thirties.
Job: Offline Network Organizer
Canon: Justice League Unlimited is the sequel series to the Justice League. The league was once an exclusive, only slightly elitist, club for the seven founding members. But now, membership is unlimited!1 The original team opens its doors to all the super heroes of the world now--even those we never knew existed because all they got were a few crappy comic issues in the 80s. Equal opportunity gig! Both serious business and wacky hijinx ensue with the additional cast of characters as they work to make Earth a better place. And hey, how boring can you get when you're in a clubhouse full of super humans in SPACE?
The Question is one of the many heroes in the league--of course, whether he was actually invited or just showed up someday is to be debated. Donning his trademark blue trenchcoat and faceless mask, The Question is as strange as they come. He's the guy clipping out yesterday's newspaper articles, the one going through your trash, the person rambling at you randomly during lunch, and the guy who casually breaks through security glass while humming annoying boy band tunes. Despite all his quirks, Question is an ace detective and knows how to do his homework. Emo crimelord backstory? He knows it. Plotting an evil presidential campaign to tick off Superman? He'll figure it out. Organizing a secret fight club? He. . .well, he'd ignore that and focus on his latest ice cream conspiracy. The Question has an endless supply of questions and exists to connect the dots even when there aren't any dots left. But hey, whoever said dots were the only things that could be connected?
Sample Entry:
Ah, Louisiana. Home to gators, swamp monsters, Popeye's mind controlling buttered biscuits, and now, a children's prison camp. Oh--my mistake, summer camp. Is that what they're calling it these days?
--woah there, a little quick to point the finger, aren't we? Or rather, the shotgun. Just because you don't see a face doesn't automatically make me part of the walking dead. Last I checked, my limbs were still intact. Now now, I'll get off your lawn in just a second. I'm just your friendly local Network Organizer, after all. You don't believe me? Well . . . that's a start. People need to start asking a few more questions around here. Take those real zombies there, for example. Ever stop to ask if it was actually your brains they were after? For all you know, 'brains' is merely a code word for something far more sinister. And if you pay a bit more attention, you'll see there's something a little off about this place on the whole.
. . . I know what you're thinking. A summer camp operating outside of the summer? Of course something is off about that, anyone would notice. You say the exotic birds were a big tip off too, hm? Well, you're wrong. Basing assumptions on Toucan Sam there will lead to nothing but dead ends. You have to look beyond the obvious, beyond the giant tentacle waving from the lake. In fact, wave back. Common courtesy is a rarity these days. But after you've done that, do you see it? The point that everyone else has missed? The question no one ever asks? Well, I'll ask it for you.
Where did all the kittens come from?
With all the exotic wildlife running about, no one pays attention to the seemingly ordinary household pet. But I do. And I know that they have a purpose. An awful, terrible purpose. Oh, but it doesn't end there. You're being watched. We all are. The Director? Please. Elizabeth Sayre is under more surveillance than a soprano in a glass store. You see, we're part of a grander scheme here. Someone else is calling the shots--or rather, someones. Ever wondered why we have unlimited access to the internet out in the bayou? And why we're all connected to one network--this Livejournal. Those so called glitches and glimpses of a fabled Deadjournal--are they really glitches? You're quick to blame the Russians, but this goes beyond their small-fry spam schemes. In reality, Frank's nibbling at the wires, all right. They're getting into our heads. Every single comment you make and every action you take is all according to their plan. And every time you make a post, every time another 'camper' arrives, every time you give a friend yet another kitten, the cycle will continue.
Everything is connected. There's a reason for every action. But what is that reason? And why must it take place in the Deep South? That . . . is the question.
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Thaddeus S. Venture
Series: The Venture Bros.
Age: 43
Job: Career Advisor
Canon: Part Jonny Quest homage and part sendup of silver-age comics, The Venture Bros. might best be described as an ode to failure... and perhaps no one in the series embodies the spirit of failure more than Dr. Venture. Once upon a time, little Rusty was a bright-eyed young adventurer, tagging along with his super-scientist father, riding pterodactyls, and getting his picture stamped on lunchboxes across America. Thirty years later, that spunky little boy has grown up into a cynical, neurotic, pill-popping husk of a man, embittered by his inability to live up to the grand legacy of his late father. His adventures as of late are usually by accident rather than by choice -- for example, having both of his kidneys stolen while lecturing at a community college in Tijuana.
Dr. Venture (who, incidentally, dropped out of college, and is not actually a doctor of anything) has taken over running the company his father started, though with markedly less success. Though he has a massive ego, his lack of ingenuity and business skill has reduced him to selling off his father's creations for a quick buck; his own inventions, when they don't fail completely, are useless at best and utterly amoral at worst (one, known as the "Joy Can", was powered by the heart of a dead orphan). He is the father of twin sons, Hank and Dean (the titular Venture brothers), but his approach to parenting -- like nearly everything else he does -- is self-centered and largely ineffective. He usually relies on his bodyguard Brock to keep them out of trouble, and a handy supply of clones, just in case.
Sample Entry:
Ommatokoita elongata is a worm-like crustacean that spends its days anchored in the eyeball of the Greenland shark, feasting upon the scrumptious eye jelly contained within. The shark, of course, is blinded, but the parasite's presence does attract small fish for the shark to eat. This, like most so-called symbiotic relationships, is actually a total gyp. Turns out nature isn't as pretty as Finding Nemo would have you believe.
Got your attention? Good. I'm Dr. Thaddeus Venture, super-scientist and... career advisor, apparently... here to guide you on your journey of self-discovery and shepherd you towards the bright future that lies ahead of you! . . . Yeah, right. That's a laugh. Why, just look at me! Here I am, a genius super-scientist with years of experience behind me, reduced to playing camp counselor for a bunch of kids. I'm not gonna say it's unfulfilling, I'm just saying when you've seen one interdimensional prison camp, you've seen 'em all. But hey, whatever. The sooner I get this done, the sooner we can all get the hell out of here. So! Career advice! Listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna go through this once.
First off, examine your interests, skills, and talents. What's important to you? What do you enjoy doing? What were your best subjects in school? Think long and hard about what you love to do, and then come to terms with the knowledge that getting paid to do it will ultimately make you hate everything that has anything to do with it, and wonder why you ever enjoyed it in the first place. Oh right, and it helps if you don't totally suck at what you want to do. Unless you're like, living off a trust fund or something. Spoiled little bastards.
Figured out some possible career paths that theoretically won't make you want to take your own life? Super neato! Now, it's time to get experience. This is how people without ambition -- or, in some cases, sex appeal -- spend their college years! And while you're draining your precious youth and your parents' money figuring out what you like and what you don't, other people will be sharpening their god-given talents into fine points that they can impale you on.
Once you've finally settled on an area of interest, find a job you can really commit to. Something you won't feel guilty shoving your family and social life to the side for. Remember, if you can't invest every waking moment of your time and energy into your future career, you're doomed to a life of mediocrity. You don't get government grants for family pizza night.
Finally -- and you're going to want to write this down, 'cause this is the really important one -- be willing to change and adapt. Moral dilemmas? You don't get those luxuries in the fast-paced world of capitalism! Crimes against nature, humanity, and God? Well, what did those dicks ever do for you anyway? The government comes knocking at your door, asking for a super-powered death ray powered by the powdered bones of tiny baby pandas? By golly, you sign that contract and buy yourself a Hummer! After all, nothing will make you more successful or popular than being willing to compromise every last one of your values. This ties back in to the first point.
I'm sure one or two of you little bastards will actually take this lesson to heart and... I dunno, believe in yourself or whatever. Not my fault your dreams are about to be crushed like a swan on the freeway.
Poll Vote!
Character: Anton Briggs
Series: Dexter (Television series)
Character Age: Late twenties-early thirties
Job: Improvisational Camp Song Writer
Canon: Ever had an urge you can’t deny? Dexter Morgan knows the feeling well. His father trained him from a young boy to take out bad guys in order to curb his uncontrollable urge to kill, living by a rigid code to prove his actions as righteous. While he did this, he was supposed to act normal: eventually hold a job, be a good brother and boyfriend … all while hiding his secret life as a serial killer. But this is less about Dexter and more about his sister Debra, and her struggle to prove herself worthy of the detective’s shield leading her to meeting some interesting people.
One such example is the laid-back guitarist, Anton Briggs. He’s a CI (Confidential Informant, AKA snitch) for the Miami Police Department who Debra finds herself poking for information regarding a string of murders. Anton himself is smooth-talking and a little self-serving at first glance. At this same glance, he probably comes off as a little irresponsible and immature, prodding and provoking and hardly taking things seriously-even going out of his way to be a bit of an ass. A shining example of this was when he poked at a police officer by singing a song about her in Spanish, only for it to turn out that it was about how she’s a bitch. Immature isn’t a bad word for him, with lack of motivation and tendency to smoke a joint occasionally, but there’s more beneath the surface. Though he’s a little too light-hearted and relaxed, he’s appreciative, understanding, and even a little heroic in his own right. Sure, he’s not always on the right side of the law, but he’s a good guy despite it. And given the opportunity, he’s more than willing to prove that.
Sample Post:
Hey, now, ladies, don’t get so riled up. Isn’t this meant to be a party? Really now, you’re barely strung together. It’s a new way of being high strung, isn’t it? Sayre said this was supposed to be for some celebration. Four years and going strong at Camp Fuck U Die, right? And from what these guides say, I can’t help but wonder what kind of shit’s gone down here. But that’s not my business, really. I’m just meant to be an entertainer. Sure, I know, I could try and be a little more involved with things, but that’s just not my style. I’m a little more into kicking back, letting things go-though ladies, ladies, I wouldn’t let go of your hands like that. You might need that when the guys start showing up. Unless you’re into a little improvisation yourself, if you know what I mean.
All right, so Sayre’s memo said this was meant to be a bit of an impromptu party, a head start before the anniversary hits. I can’t say I know for sure what she was getting at, but let’s go with it. This place doesn’t really seem like the right one for a party, but someone made an attempt. There’s toes and eyeballs in the soup bowls for what I’d guess is dinner, and the decorations are sheets covered in blood. I’d ask you all why, but it doesn’t seem like any of you are up for a real chat. But I get it, mamas. Shy, a little anxious, waiting for the clock to strike. And even if you look fine now, I bet you’re just waiting for your fairy godmothers to show up and make you look the right part. At least I hope so. Maybe Sayre’s waiting on that to make this place look right, too. Who knows? I certainly don’t.
That’s not my responsibility. I’m just here to make sure the music’s right for the night. Improv, use some older songs, and none of that crap Sayre’s been letting you have for a while. You can only go on about being caught in a landslide without an escape from reality for so long. The only clause is I’ve gotta make sure it’s occasion appropriate. I need to make sure the music appreciates our lovely director as much as we appreciate her efforts around here. And I know I’m new and all, but I think I’ve got a little Spanish ditty in mind to appreciate her just right. You all ready to hear it? Well, you’ve still got your ears, so I’ll take that as a yes.
Sadist, she’s a sadist, holding us all up in here
Can’t help but be a mean bitch to us all
But hey, can you blame her? She lost her fiancé, after all
What a sadist
She’ll never-
… Ha, well, that bird just told me I wasn’t singing in the language I’d have preferred. Automatic translation or something like that. Well, Sayre, if you’re listening, I guess I’ll have to make it up to you. Just give me a little time, and I’m sure we can work something out.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Nago Keisuke
Series: Kamen Rider Kiva
Character Age: 22
Job: Cleaning Man
Canon: It's 2008 and Japan is under attack by vampires that sparkle while they drain people's lives away. The first line of protection against these "fangire" falls to the Wonderful Aozora Association, a small group of dedicated men and women who use advanced technology to try and take the fangires down before they kill too many humans. They are aided by the mysterious Kamen Rider Kiva, who shows up to defeat fangire before disappearing. The story is told simultaneously in 1986 and 2008, often to show how events from the past shape the present. In both years, the crown of the Association's armory is a mechanical suit known as IXA, and in 2008 the main user of IXA is Nago Keisuke.
Just as IXA resembles a paladin, Nago fights for his ideals with fanatical fervour. He is completely confident that his way is the only correct way and that he can never be wrong- at one point he complains that God has made a mistake rather than admit to being wrong himself. He is also deeply conservative, disliking rock music because it isn't contributing to the good of society, and being shocked at a couple co-habiting before marriage. When he's not fighting fangire, Nago works as a bounty hunter chasing down those who have evaded justice. Whenever he catches a bad guy, he rips a button from their shirt to add to his collection. This is less of a habit and more of an obsession for him, to the point that he's willing to spring a man from custody in order to take his button. Towards the end of the series he learns to be a little more trusting of people who have proved themselves worthy in his eyes, but his heart remains as full of firey justice as always.
Sample Post:
This encampment is corrupt. I, Nago Keisuke, will erase that corruption until there is not a speck of filth left. You may be thinking that this job is too enormous for one man, but I am confident that I can handle it. In fact, I have already begun by removing all of the underwear so shamelessly hanging from the branches of one of the trees I encountered. If those responsible will step forward, I will decide upon a proper punishment for them. If there are no volunteers, then I will assign you all punishment until someone admits to it. Your loyalty is impressive, but the kind of person who would display lacy panties for everyone to see is not the kind of person you should look up to. Instead, please direct your loyalty towards me.
Until someone admits to this travesty, all of you will assist me in the cleansing of the camp. Those of you who impress me may be offered a chance to become my students. This is not an invitation to be taken lightly, and I will be watching you closely to see if you are worthy. Your first task will be to restore the lake to its former glory. This is perhaps the biggest task that faces us, so I expect you to give it your all. No excuses are acceptable, especially not "there's a huge tentacle monster in the lake that wants to badtouch me". First of all, "badtouch" is not a word, you should say "touch me in bad places". But more importantly, tentacle monsters do not exist. I am aware of the rumours, but you should not be ruled by such unproductive scaremongering. Do not believe what you hear from others, believe only what I tell you. And I am telling you that from now on, any mention of tentacle monsters is banned.
The water in the lake is so foul that it should not even be classified as water anymore, so we will drain it completely before refilling it with purely distilled water. I have provided you with buckets for this purpose. If you work quickly it should not take more than a week, especially under my supervision. This will also serve as excellent physical training, so you should be grateful for the opportunity. Don't groan about it! You cannot serve your community properly if you aren't in top physical and mental form. In fact, as you run to and from the lake you may start your mental training as well by giving me a list of things that need improving in this camp, and how this might be achieved. Begin!
... I see. Yes, that may well be the only course of action that will eliminate the corruption entirely from this place. After we have completed work on the lake that will be our next task. This camp must die in a fire in order to rise from the ashes reborn.
Poll Vote!
Character: Zack Fair
Series: Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core
Character Age: 24
Job: Pick-Up Phrase Provider for You (P.U.P.P.Y.)
Canon: Welcome to Crisis Core, where the flower girl heroine is just starting to top a boyfriend, the hero Cloud Strife is but a wee soldier, the pretty boy psycho Sephiroth is a sane role model, and your hero is Zack Fair, a member of the elite military group known as SOLDIER. Taking place a few years before Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core tells an unsung story of one young man's dream to be a hero. Confident and loyal, Zack takes pride in what he does despite the public's negative opinion of SOLDIER and ShinRa, the company that owns him and most of the world. Whether it's pesky Wutai soldiers rebelling or monsters causing problems in Midgar, Zack's there to handle it! Nicknamed "puppy" by his mentor and higher-ups, Zack fits the name quite nicely with his enthusiastic and cheerful personality. He ends up adopting a certain cute little blond soldier after the two bond over being country hicks, and he's a bit of a flirt and has a rep as a playboy, too. But he's really the kind of guy you end up taking home anyway because he's such a cute failure about it. Who could say no to a guy that takes the time to pick up a call from his girl right before fighting a giant looming dragon? (He'll call right back.)
It's not all sunshine and rainbows, especially when the bad guys you have to fight were once the men you looked up to, and your friends end up going completely insane. Being locked up and experimented on for five years would make even the strongest hero crack, after all. But not Zack - Zack stays true to his values and beliefs of pride and determination, even while he drags Cloud's comatose ass across the world and ultimately dies protecting him. He's remembered as a cheerful, brimming force to be reckoned with. Because taking down an entire army and passing on his legacy to a future Final Fantasy hero, all the while smiling, is what becoming a hero means to Zack Fair.
Sample Post:
Is that girl of your dreams not giving you the time of day? Do you fumble over your words when your asking that pretty little girl, boy, or gorilla out on a date? Do you struggle through awkward times where your jaw falls off just from looking at her? Or are you just too chicken to man up and talk to the person of your dreams? If you answered "yes" to any of these, then you're in luck! My name's Zack Fair, and I've been hired to teach you how to say just the thing to make your girl or guy light up like Midgar on a Saturday night. And if you haven't been to Midgar, you should take a trip! Especially the slums - you guys would fit right in. If you do go, definitely go see the flowers. And bring a lot of money, they don't come cheap!
But getting back to the job, say you're walking along and you see a girl. Real pretty, you know, the kind of girl that makes you think of an angel. And that feeling's building up in the pit of your stomach, but it's okay to be nervous! In fact it's normal to be, especially when you're about to walk up to her and talk. But don't let it stop you - square your shoulders, puff out your chest, take a deep breath and go for it! And remember to smile and be yourself - those two things are the most important! And once you've got her attention? That's where you say the line. And that's the tricky part you guys are having problems with, right? Ha ha, no wonder you need a counselor for this stuff!
Here, I'll give you an example of how I'd do it. Are you guys paying attention? Good! So I see 'em, the one. And I put on my best smile and walk right over, watching them the whole time. And I wait until I've got their attention and they ask if anything's wrong . . . and I look them right in the eyes and go "Your eyes remind me of the ocean, and I think I'm lost at sea." . . . Hahaha, it wouldn't come out that smooth, I'd stumble over it a little bit, but girls like guys who can make them laugh, right? And they'll think it's cute that you're nervous! If that's not your kind of line, you can make it more your style, like "When they said you were drop-dead gorgeous, they weren't kidding!" . . . hmm, that one could use some work. But you get the idea. Don't worry so much, just wing it and be yourself and you'll have it in the bag! And if the line doesn't work, well - it got you two talking, didn't it? Man, if I had a gil for every time a line flopped . . .
Anyway, when you're doing all this, don't come on too strong either, or you'll scare them away or worse, end up meeting their hand or their fist. We're trying to charm them, not anything past that! So dropping a line like "If you're Wutai and I'm ShinRa, can I storm your fortress?" is definitely not the one you want to start off with. Trust me on that one. That kind of line is a level 3 and the kind you only use if you're absolutely confident in yourself. Instead of saying that, say something like . . . "You must be a summon, because you answered my call and dropped down from heaven." See how much better that sounds? I used that one once and she was so floored she didn't know what to say!
I can tell you guys look pretty nervous, but have more confidence in yourselves! I know you can do this! Just remember what I told you and you'll have that girl, guy, or gorilla in no time. So now that you've got an idea of what to do, why don't you guys give me a hand and we'll come up with a few things to say to your --
-- whoa, hey! When I said "give me a hand" that's definitely not what I had in mind. Why don't you just . . . stay over there. A little excited to try out what I just taught you, huh? I like your determination, buddy, but I'm not THAT Fair!
Poll Vote!
Character: Freddy Krueger
Series: Nightmare on Elm Street
Age: Immortal
Job: Jason Voorhees
Canon:
One, two. Freddy's coming for you~
Three, four. Better lock your door~
Five, six. Grab your crucifix~
Seven, eight. Gonna stay up late~
Nine, ten. Never sleep again~
The knives on his glove. The burns on his face. Freddy Krueger is a hardcore movie monster straight out of your nightmares and/or the eighties. Don't fall asleep, because once you're asleep you're at Freddy's mercy, and mercy's not exactly his best virtue. His backstory involves copious amounts of meta, mass teenacide, dream demons, an angry mob, serial murder, getting whipped by Alice Cooper, cutting before cutting was cool, and 100 maniacs raping a nun, in reverse order. He can't be killed, at least, not longer than it takes to make a new sequel.
Freddy's likes are killing teenagers, making jokes so unfunny they're hilarious, calling people 'bitch', and Christmas colors. His dislikes are being forgotten, and not being able to kill teenagers.
Sample Post:
Wooo, I'm Jaaaaason. Look at my hoooockey mask. I'm sooooo scaaaary. Never mind that I'm a mama's boy crybaby who makes Normon Bates look normal, or that I'm afraid of water, or that I don't even fucking play hockey. Let's face it; Mike Myers is scarier, and I'm not talking about the one from Halloween. I sure wish I were a manly stud like Freddy Krueger.
How do you like the mask, by the way? The stripes were my little touch. An arts and crafts project. A guy's gotta do something between killing all your friends and... whatever else it is that Jason does. Weeping into his hockey mask and jerking off over Jared Padalecki, I assume... All right, you caught me. I'm not really Jason. Nice detective work, by the way. You a private dick or just the regular kind?
So you're probably wondering why I'm here, and why you're nailed to a tree. Well let me tell you, that Pam Voorhees is one clingy bitch. Play with her son once and you'll never hear the end of it. Do I look like I wanted to go on another playdate? I'm motherfucking Freddy Krueger; I don't share franchises, I don't share teenagers, and there aren't any Elm Streets in space. I don't care if we've both got Michael Bay's phone number. You want a domestic monster, you call up Chucky. And you know what they say about dead women not being able to say no? Yeah, well. She's colder than the grave.
But enough about me. Let's talk about you. Take a seat on the red and green couch. We're going to have a little chat about your dreams. Remember the other night, when you had that nightmare about the banana slugs eating your balls? That was me. And then last night, when you dreamed that you escaped camp only to end up locked up at an eternal furry con? Yeah, that was me too. And the one where your finger fell off because you were long-lost stigmatic twins with amputee-stripper Lindsay Lohan? That one was all you, you sick fuck. And you wonder why no one will ever love you.
Don't you worry your pretty little head about that, though. I'll always be the man of your dreams. Freddy's back... bitch.
Poll Vote!
Character: Balthier
Series: Final Fantasy XII
Age: 22
Job: Camp Stagehand
Canon: Final Fantasy XII takes place in the world of Ivalice, a fantasy world full of complex politics, personalities and power. As the game opens, the king of Dalmasca is killed via treachery, the kingdom taken over by the Archadian Empire, and the princess declared dead by her own hand. The princess must then try to regain her throne and her country's independence - and she'll take whatever help she can get to accomplish that. Of course, the Archadian Empire isn't as monolithic an opponent as it seems. As the game progresses, power changes hands, and more of the story of the world is revealed, it becomes apparent just how much of history can actually be shaped by the hands of man - and particularly by a small adventuring party of six.
The self-proclaimed leading man of the party, Balthier is a sky pirate - a job that takes all types, so long as you have an airship and a sense of independence. Balthier acts according to the romantic vision of the term, though: a gentleman thief, quick with a quip, who makes every adventure into a flamboyant show. How much of that act is deliberately cultivated to hide his unglamorous past in Archades is up for debate. Although at first Balthier makes a point of playing the mercenary and making sure he's compensated for his assistance, he quickly becomes swept up in the quest and provides support and mentorship to the party, whether they are navigating monster-infested ancient tombs or the rigid social structures of Archades. Perhaps most importantly, he provides transportation in his airship, the Strahl.
Note: The game's side quests largely take the form of tasks, known as "hunts," to find and kill rare and powerful enemies.
Sample Post:
Lady Director, I'm afraid I've been misunderstood. You see, this bill posted for a "Stagehand" seemed to be highly ranked, and so I was hoping for a challenging monster to exercise my skills. A substantial reward would have been ideal, as well - a pirate doesn't do these sorts of things for charity's sake, after all. I can only assume that the mind of the man who posted it was so addled by the tavern's fine offerings that placing a part-time job request on the hunt board seemed an amusing idea. I would welcome the opportunity to let him know he is not as clever as he thinks. However, it seems you're under the impression that by inspecting the bill I have accepted the job, and I meant no such thing by it. Even were I so out of luck as to descend to working with an amateur theater, it certainly would not be as a stagehand. A leading man works in the spotlight, not behind the scenes; that much should be readily apparent to anyone.
In any case, you appear to be lacking a rather vital component: a stage. Without that I would just be a hand, you see, and there already seem to be a surplus of those about, some of which are less intact and attached to the relevant limbs than I'd prefer. To begin, you might see about hiring a novice adventurer to clear out some of the local undead. Some street rat looking to work his way up from slaying rodents in the sewers, perhaps. I see you have moogles present, as well; they are much more skilled at surveying and construction than myself, particularly in a place so ill-suited to the task as this swamp, so I suggest you take advantage of them. Meanwhile, I'll be taking my leave.
...Ah. If you've taken my ship, that does complicate things a bit. You see, I'm not terribly fond of being tied down. But all this world's your stage, you say? In that case, you should at least invest in some proper scenery; monsters aside, this place is as bare and bleak as the basest dungeon. Perhaps you're in need of something of a stagehand after all. The Strahl would certainly provide a backdrop with the proper glamour and spectacle, if you'd like to proffer it? ...No, I suppose it never is quite that easy, is it.
Very well then - I'll concede for now. I'd suggest starting work with your lighting. The lake does provide a certain ambient mood, I suppose, but you should direct more effort into accentuating the action, particularly if you're truly intent on audience participation. After all, without a proper setup, audience attention could be drawn to your stagehand, and you wouldn't want that, would you? I do always appreciate comments, but while I'm flattered by offers of marriage, I'd not like to be tied down in that sense, either.
Poll Vote!
Character: Fran
Canon: Final Fantasy XII
Age: Over 50 years old, but appears mid-twenties.
Job: Inter Species Relations Counselor
Canon: Political turmoil and war have ripped through Ivalice. But behind the flimsy pretext for war is a battle to possess stones of great power and change the course of history itself. In grand RPG tradition, the only hope for peace and salvation is a mix of secret royalty, disgraced knights, thieves and pirates. Only their intervention can stop those who would meddle in both the flow of human history or of the semi-tangible magick called Mist. The oldest and arguably wisest of the party is Fran.
Fran is a viera, a race of long lived rabbit-featured people who are deeply in tune with nature. Being the only non-hume (human) of the party she has a unique perspective on events and primarily acts as a voice of wisdom for her party. She doesn’t speak often, and when she does she comes off as calm if not a bit cold. But under her detached exterior she is dedicated to helping her friends and willing to sacrifice herself if necessary. Fran also has the unique ability to sense the Mist, though it’s not always good for her.
Sample Post:
The gods toy with me. I was told this job would include taking care of undead but I did not expect to interpret that statement in such a way. My experience does not lie in helping abominations like you create lasting friendships but in sending your kind to a lasting end. Now that I’m here, it matters little. I have been contracted and I will not disappoint. Yet do not take my acceptance of this task as leave to treat me any way you wish. No matter your fondness for the game, the next one of you who tries to “pat the bunny” will not be spared.
Despite your best efforts thus far, this is not the worst job I have taken. I understand your wish to roam far and see with your own eyes the world. Even those lacking proper eyes may still experience such freedom. Should you be willing to pay the price we all must pay to leave our homes, then I will help in what ways I can. You have far to go before you will be accepted among outlanders. With work you may yet achieve your goals.
To that end, you requested that I talk to you about getting to the brains of the humes. An admirable attempt, that. But I am not so easily fooled. With your current skill, against a group of even half-witted humes, your chances are too small to count. No matter your numbers, you are harmless and armless in equal measures. Had I will to teach you, you would not have strength of soul or body to learn. I suggest you look past this dream of brains and seek something you can more easily sink your teeth into. Strength may be found where you least expect.
Look to your wood. The Mist here is strong, but in a way unlike any I’ve felt before. Where usually it burns, this Mist has a light touch. It seems the will of this wood is to tease rather than assault the senses. A small kindness, but still a kindness. It seems the wood cares a great deal for you, despite your unfortunate condition. You would do well to learn from her. Everywhere you look there are symbols of her strength and life. Do you not wish to stand erect and tall as the trees do? Or will you stand by and let your wood go soft?
Poll Vote!