(no subject)
Neeeeext round!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character Name: Patrick Colasour
Series: Mobile Suit Gundam 00
Character Age: 33
Job: Counselor for Great Success!
Canon: A.D. 2312: Humanity has been united. The world's three main powers have merged to form the Earth Sphere Federation, effectively creating an alliance of over 300 countries. But because everyone holding hands and singing hippie songs would make for a pretty boring Gundam series, the Federation has decided to use its top-secret military force, A-Laws, to suppress any and all anti-Federation factions, using violence, terror, and mass death to do so--behaviour that goes vastly unnoticed by the general public. ...But pssh, who needs all those politics? Patrick Colasour certainly doesn't!
Patrick Colasour is the former (and possibly self-proclaimed) "ace" pilot of the Advanced European Union, a man who had never lost once in 2,000 battle simulations. Loud, cocky, aggressive, and a legend in his own mind, Patrick is the classic mecha ace--or he would be if he ever won against actual opponents. In fact, when Patrick engages in battle, he is almost guaranteed to lose, and lose horribly. This is a man who's exploded and blasted off again more times than Team Rocket. And yet he still keeps trying his darnedest! Mostly to impress his ice queen superior, Colonel Kati Mannequin, with whom he has decided that he is hopelessly in love.
In the wake of the new world order, Patrick has now joined A-Laws--but not for any silly reasons like believing in the cause or anything. He's doing it to follow and protect his beloved Colonel, to see if love really can bloom on the battlefield! And no matter how many times he gets blown up, how many giant robots he wrecks, and how many disparaging nicknames he gets from his fellow soldiers, he'll do anything he can to capture those Gundams, and by extension, the Colonel's heart!
Sample Post:
What is that you hear? The shuffling of an unmotivated work force content with wandering around and letting their brains fall out of their skulls due to disuse? The silence of bated breath in the face of such a greatness about to enter your military training camp? While that is true, it's also the sound of I, Patrick Colasour, arriving to whip this camp into shape! Success with work! Success with your peers! Success with women! I, Patrick Colasour, will teach it all to you, my adoring audience! What a good move on the administration's part...I do know a thing or two about being popular, after all!
The first step to success is to make sure you always do your best when working! My career, for instance, is being a pilot for the Federation--but since the legend of Colasour has surely spread far and wide by now, I'm sure none of you needed that reminder! But it serves as a good example. Through honing my natural skills even further, I was able to make it up through the ranks of the military to become as famous as I am today. Not just the ace of the European Union now, but the soon-to-be ace of the entire world! Yes, yes, I can see that you're all holding your applause because you know I can't possibly be finished yet! And... you're correct! I'm not! My advice to you is to always do what you believe in, and never let losses or public humiliation get you down for long! Constant diligence is key.
Now, success with work may be easy when you're as talented as I am, but it does take some effort to win over your fellows when you're so much more impressive than they are. Jealousy... well, it's a natural fact of life, isn't it? In cases like that, just ignore it! Really, who cares about what a bunch of losers think? If you're cool, then you'll they'll eventually come around. And if you're not... then go back to step one! This isn't rocket science, people!
As for doing well with women, this is the simplest lesson of all. Being suave and charming simply isn't enough in today's world. Smooth guys are a dime a dozen, so what you need is an explosive personality! Don't be afraid to be direct, to be forward... And if she doesn't go for it then, don't worry. Even the coldest of women will melt in the face of some well-placed sensitivity and shiny gifts. ...That's the plan, anyway. But if all else fails, don't be afraid to take her slaps like a man! Perseverance, men! Perseverance!
--Ehhh, it looks like my time is about to be up, if the shouts are any indication! So to conclude, follow these rules and you, too, can be as successful as I, Patrick Colasour! Please, when you run out of flowers to throw, these rocks aren't necessarily the best substitutes...!! Coooloneeel, save me!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Auron
Series: Final Fantasy X
Age: 35
Job: Marriage Counselor
Canon: So a Summoner, a Guardian, and a drunkard walk into a bar… and form a party! These three men go on a pilgrimage to an ancient city in order to defeat Sin - and this is not a euphemism. Sin, a great monster, is reborn every few years and brings fear to the world of Spira. The Guardian Auron, a warrior monk who was shuffled off to be forgotten due to church politics, with Summoner Braska and the new guy Jecht set off to save the world. They do so, but only temporarily. Despite the hardships Auron faced - losing his faith and losing his friends - he is determined to guide the children of both his friends on their own quest a decade later.
Known throughout Spira as the Legendary Swordsman, he's like the bad-assed samurai uncle you wish you had. Armed with his skills, sword, and old-man advice, he often seems older than he actually is. Much of the time Auron is distant, ambiguous, and appears to be carrying a secret from the others. But whether it's making sure Yuna continues her pilgrimage, imparting some much-needed wisdom to Tidus, avenging his party members, or saving the world, he does everything with care and fierce strength.
Sample Post:
There must be a mistake. I've been many things in the past - a monk, a swordsman, a Guardian, and a watcher of children - but I have never married. Asking help from someone who turned down the hand of a priest's daughter might not be in your best interests, and neither is wedding a fiend from a lake who is ten times your size. I also don't need extra hands, sir, so keep them to yourself or else you'll lose much more than that.
However if you're seeking a Guardian for your marriage... I may have some advice. First, to the lady, I would have suggested not taking your suitors to the far recesses of a swamp for the honeymoon, but it looks like it's a little too late. Even if the undead don't need to breathe, holding them in under the surface for so long is not necessary or comfortable. You'd do better by choosing your battles carefully and save the strength of your tentacles for other activities.
And, Marcy, think of a marriage as a party made of two, while the obstacles to a healthy relationship are the fiends. When I was younger, all you had to do was cut through those hurdles and support each other while traveling the rocky road down and back, uphill in all directions. Concentrate on the task at tentacle, but don't forget your goal is to forge - not force - a bond together. When one is weak or cornered remember to care for them, or they will get confused and consider you the enemy and then attack. As you are a....formidable woman, the confusion is warranted.
To Gaargh, there's a saying: even if everything falls apart, always keep your head straight and on. I will say right now - marriage is only one of the important steps in your journey together, so you will need those feet too. They will lead you to victory, or possibly to an escape. This is your story - make it last.
Poll Vote!
Name: Tsubaki Domyoji
Age: 22 or more
Series: Hana Yori Dango (J-Drama)
Occupation: Administrative Director of Fist to Face Relations
Canon: Hana Yori Dango is the story of the world's richest and most elite school in all of Japan, Eitoku. Renowned the world over, this school is run by a group of four rich and cocky boys known as the "Flower Four" or "F4". When a penniless commoner enters their lives, she forces them to see that maybe having money to buy everything you could want just isn't all there is to life. She even falls in love with the leader of F4, the richest and possibly stupidest man in the world, and their Cinderella story unfolds.
Enter the asshole leader's elder sister. Tsubaki Domyoji is a real stand up woman. She believes in friendship, love, money, devotion, and supporting causes she finds worthy with all that she has. She also believes that a fist to the face is the best way to deal with rowdy siblings - sometimes followed up by a boot to the head. Nonetheless, Tsubaki is an intelligent, sophisticated and social lady, raised from birth to be a rich heiress and a polite member of society. Open, friendly and warm, Tsubaki is almost always smiling, even when things run foul. At the end of the day, she's just a big sister who truly cares about the well-being of the people she loves, and especially people in love.
App:
Hey there, could I borrow you for a minute? Yes, I'm looking for whoever is in charge of hiring at this campground? I know, I know, I flew out here on a whim, but I was really expecting something workable. Look, if you just wanted a famous face to put on your projects, there are people in a much better position for that. With this atmosphere, maybe . . . M.C. Hammer? I'm almost positive that he's available. Now, don't go to pieces on me just yet. I never said I wouldn't help you out. I'll support you with everything I can. Though I may have to draw the line at holding your head in place. Sorry!
We may as well get the ball rolling. Hello, everyone. It's nice to see you all here today. Please, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tsubaki, and I am here to help guide you. The details are a little . . . Well, I'm going to have to put in another request to have the paperwork sorted out. Even if my purpose here is to take some of you down a notch, I don't think they can really pay me by the punch. It's a strange request, don't you think? Ah, ah, we can talk more about that later on. Right now, I'd like to go over a few details that were covered in this job handbook I received.
- Ah, here we go, this says . . . Interesting! Sorry everyone, but it looks like there are new electronics being installed into the cabins proper as we speak. Everything will be fine, just try to ignore them. These "Knockout Analysis Trackers" will be online and functional by the time you get back after this little talk of ours. You . . . probably don't want to know what the new ceiling KATs are looking for, trust me. Just let me worry about them, okay? Okay! Let's move on, shall we?
. . . Haaah. On second thought, let's skip the rest of the reading. I'll just explain what I'm here for in my own words. That should make it easier on everyone. Every time one of you boys gets in over his head, or in very deep trouble, it will be up to me to drop you down a few rungs. If you get too full of yourself, I'll have to knock it out of you. Or was it knock you out? It's one of those for sure. I'll look it up later. There's more than one way to get a message through those thick heads of yours, right? - Yes, thank you for your concern, madame, but I don't believe an auger will be necessary.
So boys, be careful not to get too full of it now. I'll come after you, and I really mean it. I know how boys are, always lusting after something or other and forgetting to play nice. You'd lose your heads if they weren't attach - right, I see the problem there already. We'll work on that together some other time, if that's okay? Thanks. I'll do my best to help.
And now, ladies? If you have a problem with anyone here, don't be afraid to call. I'll always come to help. That's a promise. Since I've got a new work phone just for this occasion, I'm afraid I can't pass out cards yet, but let me give you the number anyway. Waiting for the printer will take too long. Ready? That's "Tsubaki," at 1-337-800-8135. Day or night, I'll answer whatever problems you have. I hope you'll remember.
Please, don't hesitate to call me. Big sister is always watching.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: George Oscar Bluth II or “GOB” (pronounced jobe)
Series: Arrested Development
Character Age: Mid-forties
Job: Master of Magic Tricks
Canon: According to the omnipresent narrator, Arrested Development is “the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to bring them back together”. GOB, the eldest of the Bluth siblings, is decidedly not that one son. He is, instead, a chronically lazy magician with a penchant for screwing up his illusions. Because he has been blacklisted by the Alliance of Magicians, GOB has very limited opportunities to perform his illusions and frequently looks for one grand illusion he can pull to get himself back into good standing.
GOB is arrogant and conceited. He tends to look down on everyone except his father and mother and speak in a very condescending way. He will never admit the smallest error on his part until it has spiraled out of control, at which point he frequently admits “I’ve made a huge mistake”. Because of his stubborn and condescending nature, he has no friends outside of his immediate family. GOB tends to stumble over words and come out with awkward, disjointed sentences when he’s annoyed. He also has a strange speech pattern in which he occasionally randomly mispronounces hard C’s as soft C’s. He strongly dislikes people calling his illusions “tricks”.
Sample Entry:
Okay, Miss Sayre, if that is your real name, we need to talk. When I came for the interview, I made two things very clear. First, my name is pronounced like, you know, that poor bastard from the Bible. I mean it’s not like I’m some English guy spitting or something, come on! Second, I don’t do “tricks,” I perform illusions. I’m a sonsumate professional, not some homeless girl sucking off strangers to get the money for her next fix.
Are we clear on that? What do you mean you can’t change the job title? Oh, you mean you won’t. Well, listen, there’s something else I’m worried about, we’re five minutes from showtime and the crowd seems pretty dead out there. I mean, half of them are actually rotting and the other half are acting like a bunch of oversexed gorillas. Oversexed… purple… gorillas. Are you sure this is a camp and not some furry convention? Because this show has a live rabbit, and I don’t want them getting any idea…
Uh, well, this show had a live rabbit. I guess I’ll have to cut that one out of the act tonight Hey, just a hypothetical question, but you wouldn’t have a taxidermist here, would you? Never mind, I’ll just let the “moggles” take care of him. They do animals, too right?
How could animals they be campers or counselors? This is a furry convention after all, isn’t it? With a name like “Fuck You Die”, I should have known! I’ll never get back into the Alliance of Magicians performing for a bunch of animal-stuffing teddy-fuckers
Really? You talked to the Alliance? They recommended me specifically? I can rejoin them as soon as I leave here? Why does it matter that I’m repeating everything you tell me? Well, in any case, the show must go on! Cue the music, my audience of horrible, sickening perverts awaits!
Poll Vote!
Character: Sakuma Ryuichi
Series: Gravitation
Character Age: 31
Job: Super Shiny Vocal Instructor!
Canon: In the world of Gravitation, there are three types of people: vocalists, people who love the vocalists, and people who hate the vocalists. Ryuichi Sakuma is most definitely a vocalist -- one of the best in Japan, and the idol of millions. There's just one thing about Ryuichi. When he sings he exudes maturity and sex appeal, but more often than not, he's like a little boy in a grown man's body. Ryuichi carries around a bunny puppet named Kumagoro (aka Kuma-chan, with whom he holds conversations), hangs all over his friends, bounces and speaks in singsong, and colors on the walls. He jumps randomly from one topic to another, and makes silly noises and hand gestures when he speaks. In fact, it's almost as if Ryuichi the man and Ryuichi the singer are two different people, and a change is triggered when there's music playing.
Ryuichi the singer is serious, dramatic, and a bit of an asshole if you get between him and his spotlight. Ryuichi the man is cheerful and friendly, constantly clamoring for attention. He wants everyone around him to be happy and healthy and successful, and tries to take care of them as best he can. Sometimes this means he's slightly manipulative, a trait you wouldn't think he had in him. But like any child, even ones that are over thirty, Ryuichi is good at getting what he wants.
Note: One of Ryuichi’s speech quirks is adding “na no da!” to his exclamations.
Sample App: Kuma-chaaaaaaaaaaan, Zombie-san, we went the wrong way, we're lost. And I wanted to surprise Shuichi-kun. He doesn't know that I'm going to be a teacher for all the little boys and girls at camp, if I can find them. It's like they're playing hide and seek, but every tree looks the same so we don't know which ones we looked behind... maybe this one!
Ack! Tree-san, stop that. You're going to squish the banana in my pocket, and what if there's a blizzard and we get so lost that we have to eat each other to survive? Kuma-chan says he isn't very nutritious. And tickling won't help, put me dow--oooh, I can see people when I'm up this high! Look, Kuma-chan, look! It's people, maybe they can help us. Hello down there! I'm Ryuichi, and this is Kumagoro, and this is a tree touching my banana, and that is a zombie! Grrrrrr, arrrrrgh, like in the movies, na no da! A scary movie, where there's guns all boom~boom~ and everything blows up and cars go zoom~zoom~ and the planes are all neeeeeeeee~ and then the people say wheeeeeee~ and they’re dancing, dancing, na no da~ because the monsters are gone!
--oof. You didn't have to drop me, Tree-san. Where was I? Right, monsters and Zombie-san! Not that this Zombie-san is a monster. He's really cool and I want his autograph because he can juggle things and he doesn't even have eyes! Or maybe that’s what he's juggling... eew. But that means he doesn't know where we're going! And Kumagoro says we should keep looking for Shuichi-kun. He's my friend~ my friend~ and he'll give me a big hug and help me teach the kids to sing. He's this tall and he has pink hair, all happy and shiny! But maybe not so shiny right now, it's really dark-- it's ten o'clock na no da! Do you know where my friends are?
Uh oh, Zombie-san is grumbling, Kuma-chan... I wonder if his tummy hurts, he's all out of tune. Zombie-san, it's like this: singing~ shining~ bu-rain-su~
... No. You're just not reaching.
Don't half-ass it. You seem a little ~slow~ though, so I'll give you some pointers. Step up here, onto the stump, onto your stage, and take a deep breath. Everyone's watching, the music is beating through you, your body is song, your art is your life and you want to share it with the world. So sing from the heart, sing what you're feeling. Rainbows and shooting stars or heartbreak and grey skies. Let's depict the vividly dancing thoughts~
See? If you sing with me, I'll show you how to shine.
Poll Vote!
Character: Iroh
Series: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Character Age: 64
Job: Camp Uncle
Canon: In a world of crazy kung-fu elemental action, four nations named after their respective elements are divided when the Fire Nation decides it wants to rule them all. The only one that has hopes of returning peace is the Avatar, master of the four elements... but surprise! The Avatar is an twelve-year-old boy. Using his power of love and the other four elements, he and his group of mismatched friends from the four nations strive to return balance to the world.
Though part of the Fire Nation Royal bloodline and a skilled Firebender, Iroh doesn't seem to carry the same imperialistic (and downright cruel) qualities as his family. Easygoing and kind, he follows his nephew, Zuko, into exile and spends his days like a long vacation: sharing tea with strangers, giving good advice, and playing the strategy game of Pai Sho. Those close to him know him for his "lengthy anecdotes" and "cryptic proverbs," and he can always be pegged by his good sense of humor. However, behind all of his hedonistic tendencies, Iroh is a wise, caring man with a talent for strategy. Throughout the series, he supplies Zuko, as well the Avatar and his friends, with steady support and understanding, hoping to change the world for the better and bring peace.
Sample Post:
I had my doubts when I first arrived. Being summoned by someone to counsel young people in times of hardship is not an easy task, but the kind woman who asked me to come insisted that I would be of great service to her. Ha ha ha, of course I'm going to come. Being beckoned for aid from a beautiful woman, who could resist? Perhaps she has heard of my great skill brewing tea, and that influenced her decision. Knowing the skills that must be brought into an establishment is key, and it's a great way of meeting new people. Even you, with your long tentacles, must have come from somewhere. This Elizabeth Sayre must have good business skills, bringing such talented people into one place.
Our Director seems to have an interesting set of priorities. Of course we are not all set in our own paths, and crossing into someone else's destiny occasionally gives us insight into our own destinies. It is a tragedy to hear that she's lost her husband. Perhaps, in bringing all of these people here, she is looking for her own path within them. Losing a loved one can be difficult, and loneliness soon follows. I can only hope that I was not brought here out of spite, and that I've come to her aid her in time of trouble. Is your tea getting low? Here, allow me to refill your cup for you.
There are many things in my life that I never imagined myself doing... serving tea to tentacles coming from a lake is certainly one of them. There is certainly something to be learned from this; even in the deepest waters, there is life willing to share quiet moments of thought. No matter who we are, good company is always welcome. Of course, in your situation, it's more like frequent visits. I don't suppose that many people stop for an invigorating conversation with a lake monster, no matter what you have to say. It always surprises me how people who are surrounded by so many can be so lonely. Well, look at all these fine plants around you, you can always see yourself in good company. That one, at the lake's edge, is the rare Red Jade, it is poisonous to the touch or a possible cure for hair loss. I would suggest that you keep your tentacles in the lake when it comes to the foliage that keeps you company. However, it would be best if you did not brew it in my absence.
Hm ... Even though I think you would look good with a full head of hair.
Poll Vote!
Character: Southern Italy/Italia Romano/Lovino Vargas
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Character Age: 22-23 (actually more like 850, but who's keeping track?)
Job: Camp Mafia Wrangler
Canon: Japan. Is there anything they can't do? They've anthropomorphized everything from operating systems to otters, so why not countries? Thus, Hetalia! Taking events from history and general trends in international relations, Hetalia rewrites nations of the world as people. Their actions are based on the actions of their military, government, and populace; and their personalities -- more often than not -- are gleaned from their population's odd quirks and stereotypical behavior.
Thus Southern Italy, called Italia Romano, is every bit a stereotypical Southern Italian. He's a bit lazy, a bit arrogant, a bit of a flirt, and a bit of a potty mouth all rolled up into one great big ball of fail. Since his population is mostly rural, he lacks the sophistication of his younger brother's big cities and is often plagued by problems with the mafia (AKA Cosa Nostra), making him somewhat bitter and, well, angry. But don't worry, this dog's all bark and no bite. There's a reason why the series title translates to "Fail + Italy" after all.
Note: A bird pooping on your head is considered a sign of good luck in Italy.
Sample Post: 'Tch! That useless bastard America! Camp Fuck You Die? Fuck off you moron, is more like it! Expecting me to come and take care of your problems with Cosa Nostra when I've got plenty of my own, damnit! Plus this invitation? How laaame. "Aah, Romano, please come and save me~! The mafia are so big and scary~" is how you should have said it, American pig! Not this whole "Welcome to camp, we hope you enjoy working here for all eternity~ ♥" crap from some random Sayre lady. Who the hell is this chick anyway? If you’re gonna send me that kind of stupid letter, at least send it from your own boss! You're just lucky I didn't throw it out with the rest of the junk that comes out of your country.
Ahh well, I guess since you asked the expert for help I might as well help you, lazy bastard. Looks like you've got it so bad here even your kids are turning mafia. Calling it a famiglia doesn't make it "fun for the whole family," idiot! Having a baby in the mafia ain't all right! But I know how these assholes work. Take out their boss and they'll all crumble. So all I have to do is take care of this Marcello guy that the Sayre lady said is in charge. 'Tch, it was nice enough of you to give me a shotgun to do the job with, but you could've at least given me some kind of directions! I know your infrastructure sucks, but at least make a dirt road! Wading through bird crap and mud just so I can deal with the crappy mafia and -- damnit! Lucky or not, that was my head, you stupid toucan! Yeah, I'm talking about you! You can't just shit on my head 'cuz you feel like it! I'm Italia Romano-o-Oi! Don't you go laughing at me! Once I find this Marcello, I'm coming after you nex --
-- Huh? Not Marcello, it's -- Marcy? Fuck, why didn't that idiot say the head of the famiglia was a woman! First he changes our names to make them more American and now he's changing them back?! Just make up your mind, America! Well, either way, this makes the job easier. If it's a bella donna I have to deal with instead of some dickhead mafioso there's no way I can fail. So? Where's she at? Cough up some answers, you lousy toucan! I’d much rather be spending time with a beautiful lady like her than some shit-covered bird like you. The lake, huh? Heh! Child's play. America's lucky he called in an expert like me.
Ah, mia bella, where are you~? I brought some cannoli Siciliani, just like they make back home. Of course a sweet lady like you must enjoy a little dessert. Why don't you come on out and talk to Romano? I'll take much better care of you than that stupid America c-c-crap! Holy crap! What the hell is that?! Madonna's octopus! I thought those creepy monsters only existed in Japan's stupid shows! Aaaah! Take the cannoli, take the gun, just keep your damn tentacles off of me!
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character Name: Patrick Colasour
Series: Mobile Suit Gundam 00
Character Age: 33
Job: Counselor for Great Success!
Canon: A.D. 2312: Humanity has been united. The world's three main powers have merged to form the Earth Sphere Federation, effectively creating an alliance of over 300 countries. But because everyone holding hands and singing hippie songs would make for a pretty boring Gundam series, the Federation has decided to use its top-secret military force, A-Laws, to suppress any and all anti-Federation factions, using violence, terror, and mass death to do so--behaviour that goes vastly unnoticed by the general public. ...But pssh, who needs all those politics? Patrick Colasour certainly doesn't!
Patrick Colasour is the former (and possibly self-proclaimed) "ace" pilot of the Advanced European Union, a man who had never lost once in 2,000 battle simulations. Loud, cocky, aggressive, and a legend in his own mind, Patrick is the classic mecha ace--or he would be if he ever won against actual opponents. In fact, when Patrick engages in battle, he is almost guaranteed to lose, and lose horribly. This is a man who's exploded and blasted off again more times than Team Rocket. And yet he still keeps trying his darnedest! Mostly to impress his ice queen superior, Colonel Kati Mannequin, with whom he has decided that he is hopelessly in love.
In the wake of the new world order, Patrick has now joined A-Laws--but not for any silly reasons like believing in the cause or anything. He's doing it to follow and protect his beloved Colonel, to see if love really can bloom on the battlefield! And no matter how many times he gets blown up, how many giant robots he wrecks, and how many disparaging nicknames he gets from his fellow soldiers, he'll do anything he can to capture those Gundams, and by extension, the Colonel's heart!
Sample Post:
What is that you hear? The shuffling of an unmotivated work force content with wandering around and letting their brains fall out of their skulls due to disuse? The silence of bated breath in the face of such a greatness about to enter your military training camp? While that is true, it's also the sound of I, Patrick Colasour, arriving to whip this camp into shape! Success with work! Success with your peers! Success with women! I, Patrick Colasour, will teach it all to you, my adoring audience! What a good move on the administration's part...I do know a thing or two about being popular, after all!
The first step to success is to make sure you always do your best when working! My career, for instance, is being a pilot for the Federation--but since the legend of Colasour has surely spread far and wide by now, I'm sure none of you needed that reminder! But it serves as a good example. Through honing my natural skills even further, I was able to make it up through the ranks of the military to become as famous as I am today. Not just the ace of the European Union now, but the soon-to-be ace of the entire world! Yes, yes, I can see that you're all holding your applause because you know I can't possibly be finished yet! And... you're correct! I'm not! My advice to you is to always do what you believe in, and never let losses or public humiliation get you down for long! Constant diligence is key.
Now, success with work may be easy when you're as talented as I am, but it does take some effort to win over your fellows when you're so much more impressive than they are. Jealousy... well, it's a natural fact of life, isn't it? In cases like that, just ignore it! Really, who cares about what a bunch of losers think? If you're cool, then you'll they'll eventually come around. And if you're not... then go back to step one! This isn't rocket science, people!
As for doing well with women, this is the simplest lesson of all. Being suave and charming simply isn't enough in today's world. Smooth guys are a dime a dozen, so what you need is an explosive personality! Don't be afraid to be direct, to be forward... And if she doesn't go for it then, don't worry. Even the coldest of women will melt in the face of some well-placed sensitivity and shiny gifts. ...That's the plan, anyway. But if all else fails, don't be afraid to take her slaps like a man! Perseverance, men! Perseverance!
--Ehhh, it looks like my time is about to be up, if the shouts are any indication! So to conclude, follow these rules and you, too, can be as successful as I, Patrick Colasour! Please, when you run out of flowers to throw, these rocks aren't necessarily the best substitutes...!! Coooloneeel, save me!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Auron
Series: Final Fantasy X
Age: 35
Job: Marriage Counselor
Canon: So a Summoner, a Guardian, and a drunkard walk into a bar… and form a party! These three men go on a pilgrimage to an ancient city in order to defeat Sin - and this is not a euphemism. Sin, a great monster, is reborn every few years and brings fear to the world of Spira. The Guardian Auron, a warrior monk who was shuffled off to be forgotten due to church politics, with Summoner Braska and the new guy Jecht set off to save the world. They do so, but only temporarily. Despite the hardships Auron faced - losing his faith and losing his friends - he is determined to guide the children of both his friends on their own quest a decade later.
Known throughout Spira as the Legendary Swordsman, he's like the bad-assed samurai uncle you wish you had. Armed with his skills, sword, and old-man advice, he often seems older than he actually is. Much of the time Auron is distant, ambiguous, and appears to be carrying a secret from the others. But whether it's making sure Yuna continues her pilgrimage, imparting some much-needed wisdom to Tidus, avenging his party members, or saving the world, he does everything with care and fierce strength.
Sample Post:
There must be a mistake. I've been many things in the past - a monk, a swordsman, a Guardian, and a watcher of children - but I have never married. Asking help from someone who turned down the hand of a priest's daughter might not be in your best interests, and neither is wedding a fiend from a lake who is ten times your size. I also don't need extra hands, sir, so keep them to yourself or else you'll lose much more than that.
However if you're seeking a Guardian for your marriage... I may have some advice. First, to the lady, I would have suggested not taking your suitors to the far recesses of a swamp for the honeymoon, but it looks like it's a little too late. Even if the undead don't need to breathe, holding them in under the surface for so long is not necessary or comfortable. You'd do better by choosing your battles carefully and save the strength of your tentacles for other activities.
And, Marcy, think of a marriage as a party made of two, while the obstacles to a healthy relationship are the fiends. When I was younger, all you had to do was cut through those hurdles and support each other while traveling the rocky road down and back, uphill in all directions. Concentrate on the task at tentacle, but don't forget your goal is to forge - not force - a bond together. When one is weak or cornered remember to care for them, or they will get confused and consider you the enemy and then attack. As you are a....formidable woman, the confusion is warranted.
To Gaargh, there's a saying: even if everything falls apart, always keep your head straight and on. I will say right now - marriage is only one of the important steps in your journey together, so you will need those feet too. They will lead you to victory, or possibly to an escape. This is your story - make it last.
Poll Vote!
Name: Tsubaki Domyoji
Age: 22 or more
Series: Hana Yori Dango (J-Drama)
Occupation: Administrative Director of Fist to Face Relations
Canon: Hana Yori Dango is the story of the world's richest and most elite school in all of Japan, Eitoku. Renowned the world over, this school is run by a group of four rich and cocky boys known as the "Flower Four" or "F4". When a penniless commoner enters their lives, she forces them to see that maybe having money to buy everything you could want just isn't all there is to life. She even falls in love with the leader of F4, the richest and possibly stupidest man in the world, and their Cinderella story unfolds.
Enter the asshole leader's elder sister. Tsubaki Domyoji is a real stand up woman. She believes in friendship, love, money, devotion, and supporting causes she finds worthy with all that she has. She also believes that a fist to the face is the best way to deal with rowdy siblings - sometimes followed up by a boot to the head. Nonetheless, Tsubaki is an intelligent, sophisticated and social lady, raised from birth to be a rich heiress and a polite member of society. Open, friendly and warm, Tsubaki is almost always smiling, even when things run foul. At the end of the day, she's just a big sister who truly cares about the well-being of the people she loves, and especially people in love.
App:
Hey there, could I borrow you for a minute? Yes, I'm looking for whoever is in charge of hiring at this campground? I know, I know, I flew out here on a whim, but I was really expecting something workable. Look, if you just wanted a famous face to put on your projects, there are people in a much better position for that. With this atmosphere, maybe . . . M.C. Hammer? I'm almost positive that he's available. Now, don't go to pieces on me just yet. I never said I wouldn't help you out. I'll support you with everything I can. Though I may have to draw the line at holding your head in place. Sorry!
We may as well get the ball rolling. Hello, everyone. It's nice to see you all here today. Please, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tsubaki, and I am here to help guide you. The details are a little . . . Well, I'm going to have to put in another request to have the paperwork sorted out. Even if my purpose here is to take some of you down a notch, I don't think they can really pay me by the punch. It's a strange request, don't you think? Ah, ah, we can talk more about that later on. Right now, I'd like to go over a few details that were covered in this job handbook I received.
- Ah, here we go, this says . . . Interesting! Sorry everyone, but it looks like there are new electronics being installed into the cabins proper as we speak. Everything will be fine, just try to ignore them. These "Knockout Analysis Trackers" will be online and functional by the time you get back after this little talk of ours. You . . . probably don't want to know what the new ceiling KATs are looking for, trust me. Just let me worry about them, okay? Okay! Let's move on, shall we?
. . . Haaah. On second thought, let's skip the rest of the reading. I'll just explain what I'm here for in my own words. That should make it easier on everyone. Every time one of you boys gets in over his head, or in very deep trouble, it will be up to me to drop you down a few rungs. If you get too full of yourself, I'll have to knock it out of you. Or was it knock you out? It's one of those for sure. I'll look it up later. There's more than one way to get a message through those thick heads of yours, right? - Yes, thank you for your concern, madame, but I don't believe an auger will be necessary.
So boys, be careful not to get too full of it now. I'll come after you, and I really mean it. I know how boys are, always lusting after something or other and forgetting to play nice. You'd lose your heads if they weren't attach - right, I see the problem there already. We'll work on that together some other time, if that's okay? Thanks. I'll do my best to help.
And now, ladies? If you have a problem with anyone here, don't be afraid to call. I'll always come to help. That's a promise. Since I've got a new work phone just for this occasion, I'm afraid I can't pass out cards yet, but let me give you the number anyway. Waiting for the printer will take too long. Ready? That's "Tsubaki," at 1-337-800-8135. Day or night, I'll answer whatever problems you have. I hope you'll remember.
Please, don't hesitate to call me. Big sister is always watching.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: George Oscar Bluth II or “GOB” (pronounced jobe)
Series: Arrested Development
Character Age: Mid-forties
Job: Master of Magic Tricks
Canon: According to the omnipresent narrator, Arrested Development is “the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to bring them back together”. GOB, the eldest of the Bluth siblings, is decidedly not that one son. He is, instead, a chronically lazy magician with a penchant for screwing up his illusions. Because he has been blacklisted by the Alliance of Magicians, GOB has very limited opportunities to perform his illusions and frequently looks for one grand illusion he can pull to get himself back into good standing.
GOB is arrogant and conceited. He tends to look down on everyone except his father and mother and speak in a very condescending way. He will never admit the smallest error on his part until it has spiraled out of control, at which point he frequently admits “I’ve made a huge mistake”. Because of his stubborn and condescending nature, he has no friends outside of his immediate family. GOB tends to stumble over words and come out with awkward, disjointed sentences when he’s annoyed. He also has a strange speech pattern in which he occasionally randomly mispronounces hard C’s as soft C’s. He strongly dislikes people calling his illusions “tricks”.
Sample Entry:
Okay, Miss Sayre, if that is your real name, we need to talk. When I came for the interview, I made two things very clear. First, my name is pronounced like, you know, that poor bastard from the Bible. I mean it’s not like I’m some English guy spitting or something, come on! Second, I don’t do “tricks,” I perform illusions. I’m a sonsumate professional, not some homeless girl sucking off strangers to get the money for her next fix.
Are we clear on that? What do you mean you can’t change the job title? Oh, you mean you won’t. Well, listen, there’s something else I’m worried about, we’re five minutes from showtime and the crowd seems pretty dead out there. I mean, half of them are actually rotting and the other half are acting like a bunch of oversexed gorillas. Oversexed… purple… gorillas. Are you sure this is a camp and not some furry convention? Because this show has a live rabbit, and I don’t want them getting any idea…
Uh, well, this show had a live rabbit. I guess I’ll have to cut that one out of the act tonight Hey, just a hypothetical question, but you wouldn’t have a taxidermist here, would you? Never mind, I’ll just let the “moggles” take care of him. They do animals, too right?
How could animals they be campers or counselors? This is a furry convention after all, isn’t it? With a name like “Fuck You Die”, I should have known! I’ll never get back into the Alliance of Magicians performing for a bunch of animal-stuffing teddy-fuckers
Really? You talked to the Alliance? They recommended me specifically? I can rejoin them as soon as I leave here? Why does it matter that I’m repeating everything you tell me? Well, in any case, the show must go on! Cue the music, my audience of horrible, sickening perverts awaits!
Poll Vote!
Character: Sakuma Ryuichi
Series: Gravitation
Character Age: 31
Job: Super Shiny Vocal Instructor!
Canon: In the world of Gravitation, there are three types of people: vocalists, people who love the vocalists, and people who hate the vocalists. Ryuichi Sakuma is most definitely a vocalist -- one of the best in Japan, and the idol of millions. There's just one thing about Ryuichi. When he sings he exudes maturity and sex appeal, but more often than not, he's like a little boy in a grown man's body. Ryuichi carries around a bunny puppet named Kumagoro (aka Kuma-chan, with whom he holds conversations), hangs all over his friends, bounces and speaks in singsong, and colors on the walls. He jumps randomly from one topic to another, and makes silly noises and hand gestures when he speaks. In fact, it's almost as if Ryuichi the man and Ryuichi the singer are two different people, and a change is triggered when there's music playing.
Ryuichi the singer is serious, dramatic, and a bit of an asshole if you get between him and his spotlight. Ryuichi the man is cheerful and friendly, constantly clamoring for attention. He wants everyone around him to be happy and healthy and successful, and tries to take care of them as best he can. Sometimes this means he's slightly manipulative, a trait you wouldn't think he had in him. But like any child, even ones that are over thirty, Ryuichi is good at getting what he wants.
Note: One of Ryuichi’s speech quirks is adding “na no da!” to his exclamations.
Sample App: Kuma-chaaaaaaaaaaan, Zombie-san, we went the wrong way, we're lost. And I wanted to surprise Shuichi-kun. He doesn't know that I'm going to be a teacher for all the little boys and girls at camp, if I can find them. It's like they're playing hide and seek, but every tree looks the same so we don't know which ones we looked behind... maybe this one!
Ack! Tree-san, stop that. You're going to squish the banana in my pocket, and what if there's a blizzard and we get so lost that we have to eat each other to survive? Kuma-chan says he isn't very nutritious. And tickling won't help, put me dow--oooh, I can see people when I'm up this high! Look, Kuma-chan, look! It's people, maybe they can help us. Hello down there! I'm Ryuichi, and this is Kumagoro, and this is a tree touching my banana, and that is a zombie! Grrrrrr, arrrrrgh, like in the movies, na no da! A scary movie, where there's guns all boom~boom~ and everything blows up and cars go zoom~zoom~ and the planes are all neeeeeeeee~ and then the people say wheeeeeee~ and they’re dancing, dancing, na no da~ because the monsters are gone!
--oof. You didn't have to drop me, Tree-san. Where was I? Right, monsters and Zombie-san! Not that this Zombie-san is a monster. He's really cool and I want his autograph because he can juggle things and he doesn't even have eyes! Or maybe that’s what he's juggling... eew. But that means he doesn't know where we're going! And Kumagoro says we should keep looking for Shuichi-kun. He's my friend~ my friend~ and he'll give me a big hug and help me teach the kids to sing. He's this tall and he has pink hair, all happy and shiny! But maybe not so shiny right now, it's really dark-- it's ten o'clock na no da! Do you know where my friends are?
Uh oh, Zombie-san is grumbling, Kuma-chan... I wonder if his tummy hurts, he's all out of tune. Zombie-san, it's like this: singing~ shining~ bu-rain-su~
... No. You're just not reaching.
Don't half-ass it. You seem a little ~slow~ though, so I'll give you some pointers. Step up here, onto the stump, onto your stage, and take a deep breath. Everyone's watching, the music is beating through you, your body is song, your art is your life and you want to share it with the world. So sing from the heart, sing what you're feeling. Rainbows and shooting stars or heartbreak and grey skies. Let's depict the vividly dancing thoughts~
See? If you sing with me, I'll show you how to shine.
Poll Vote!
Character: Iroh
Series: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Character Age: 64
Job: Camp Uncle
Canon: In a world of crazy kung-fu elemental action, four nations named after their respective elements are divided when the Fire Nation decides it wants to rule them all. The only one that has hopes of returning peace is the Avatar, master of the four elements... but surprise! The Avatar is an twelve-year-old boy. Using his power of love and the other four elements, he and his group of mismatched friends from the four nations strive to return balance to the world.
Though part of the Fire Nation Royal bloodline and a skilled Firebender, Iroh doesn't seem to carry the same imperialistic (and downright cruel) qualities as his family. Easygoing and kind, he follows his nephew, Zuko, into exile and spends his days like a long vacation: sharing tea with strangers, giving good advice, and playing the strategy game of Pai Sho. Those close to him know him for his "lengthy anecdotes" and "cryptic proverbs," and he can always be pegged by his good sense of humor. However, behind all of his hedonistic tendencies, Iroh is a wise, caring man with a talent for strategy. Throughout the series, he supplies Zuko, as well the Avatar and his friends, with steady support and understanding, hoping to change the world for the better and bring peace.
Sample Post:
I had my doubts when I first arrived. Being summoned by someone to counsel young people in times of hardship is not an easy task, but the kind woman who asked me to come insisted that I would be of great service to her. Ha ha ha, of course I'm going to come. Being beckoned for aid from a beautiful woman, who could resist? Perhaps she has heard of my great skill brewing tea, and that influenced her decision. Knowing the skills that must be brought into an establishment is key, and it's a great way of meeting new people. Even you, with your long tentacles, must have come from somewhere. This Elizabeth Sayre must have good business skills, bringing such talented people into one place.
Our Director seems to have an interesting set of priorities. Of course we are not all set in our own paths, and crossing into someone else's destiny occasionally gives us insight into our own destinies. It is a tragedy to hear that she's lost her husband. Perhaps, in bringing all of these people here, she is looking for her own path within them. Losing a loved one can be difficult, and loneliness soon follows. I can only hope that I was not brought here out of spite, and that I've come to her aid her in time of trouble. Is your tea getting low? Here, allow me to refill your cup for you.
There are many things in my life that I never imagined myself doing... serving tea to tentacles coming from a lake is certainly one of them. There is certainly something to be learned from this; even in the deepest waters, there is life willing to share quiet moments of thought. No matter who we are, good company is always welcome. Of course, in your situation, it's more like frequent visits. I don't suppose that many people stop for an invigorating conversation with a lake monster, no matter what you have to say. It always surprises me how people who are surrounded by so many can be so lonely. Well, look at all these fine plants around you, you can always see yourself in good company. That one, at the lake's edge, is the rare Red Jade, it is poisonous to the touch or a possible cure for hair loss. I would suggest that you keep your tentacles in the lake when it comes to the foliage that keeps you company. However, it would be best if you did not brew it in my absence.
Hm ... Even though I think you would look good with a full head of hair.
Poll Vote!
Character: Southern Italy/Italia Romano/Lovino Vargas
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Character Age: 22-23 (actually more like 850, but who's keeping track?)
Job: Camp Mafia Wrangler
Canon: Japan. Is there anything they can't do? They've anthropomorphized everything from operating systems to otters, so why not countries? Thus, Hetalia! Taking events from history and general trends in international relations, Hetalia rewrites nations of the world as people. Their actions are based on the actions of their military, government, and populace; and their personalities -- more often than not -- are gleaned from their population's odd quirks and stereotypical behavior.
Thus Southern Italy, called Italia Romano, is every bit a stereotypical Southern Italian. He's a bit lazy, a bit arrogant, a bit of a flirt, and a bit of a potty mouth all rolled up into one great big ball of fail. Since his population is mostly rural, he lacks the sophistication of his younger brother's big cities and is often plagued by problems with the mafia (AKA Cosa Nostra), making him somewhat bitter and, well, angry. But don't worry, this dog's all bark and no bite. There's a reason why the series title translates to "Fail + Italy" after all.
Note: A bird pooping on your head is considered a sign of good luck in Italy.
Sample Post: 'Tch! That useless bastard America! Camp Fuck You Die? Fuck off you moron, is more like it! Expecting me to come and take care of your problems with Cosa Nostra when I've got plenty of my own, damnit! Plus this invitation? How laaame. "Aah, Romano, please come and save me~! The mafia are so big and scary~" is how you should have said it, American pig! Not this whole "Welcome to camp, we hope you enjoy working here for all eternity~ ♥" crap from some random Sayre lady. Who the hell is this chick anyway? If you’re gonna send me that kind of stupid letter, at least send it from your own boss! You're just lucky I didn't throw it out with the rest of the junk that comes out of your country.
Ahh well, I guess since you asked the expert for help I might as well help you, lazy bastard. Looks like you've got it so bad here even your kids are turning mafia. Calling it a famiglia doesn't make it "fun for the whole family," idiot! Having a baby in the mafia ain't all right! But I know how these assholes work. Take out their boss and they'll all crumble. So all I have to do is take care of this Marcello guy that the Sayre lady said is in charge. 'Tch, it was nice enough of you to give me a shotgun to do the job with, but you could've at least given me some kind of directions! I know your infrastructure sucks, but at least make a dirt road! Wading through bird crap and mud just so I can deal with the crappy mafia and -- damnit! Lucky or not, that was my head, you stupid toucan! Yeah, I'm talking about you! You can't just shit on my head 'cuz you feel like it! I'm Italia Romano-o-Oi! Don't you go laughing at me! Once I find this Marcello, I'm coming after you nex --
-- Huh? Not Marcello, it's -- Marcy? Fuck, why didn't that idiot say the head of the famiglia was a woman! First he changes our names to make them more American and now he's changing them back?! Just make up your mind, America! Well, either way, this makes the job easier. If it's a bella donna I have to deal with instead of some dickhead mafioso there's no way I can fail. So? Where's she at? Cough up some answers, you lousy toucan! I’d much rather be spending time with a beautiful lady like her than some shit-covered bird like you. The lake, huh? Heh! Child's play. America's lucky he called in an expert like me.
Ah, mia bella, where are you~? I brought some cannoli Siciliani, just like they make back home. Of course a sweet lady like you must enjoy a little dessert. Why don't you come on out and talk to Romano? I'll take much better care of you than that stupid America c-c-crap! Holy crap! What the hell is that?! Madonna's octopus! I thought those creepy monsters only existed in Japan's stupid shows! Aaaah! Take the cannoli, take the gun, just keep your damn tentacles off of me!
Poll Vote!