(no subject)
SEVENTH BATCH. It's like Musical Chairs, only with your mods instead. Or something. Also, Eryne's batch is still open, so vote on that if you haven't already!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Eh, good enough, almost all of them are over 50. Closed!
Character Name: Sugino
Series: Tactics
Character Age: A few centuries at least, looks around 24
Job: Interim God of the Volcano
Canon: Ever since he was a boy, Ichinomiya Kantarou has been able to see youkai and make friends with them. But the one he really wanted to make friends with was the legendary oni-eating tengu. After many years of searching, Kantarou finally finds the oni-eating tengu, breaks the seal on him, and gives him the name Haruka. Then they lived happily bitchily ever after :). The story follows Kantarou and Haruka as they go about dealing with youkai problems, failing to make money, and sometimes being attacked by mysterious groups with mysterious motives. One not so mysterious person who occasionally breaks into their house to mooch off of them is Sugino.
Sugino is another tengu (bird youkai), and the resident “god” of the mountains near Sugino village. While that may sound impressive and awe-inspiring, Sugino himself could best be described as derisive, loud and often very irritating. As a white tengu who used to be human himself, Sugino makes no secret of his dislike for humans and is vehement about keeping humans and youkai separate. Even when he’s not on the subject of humans, Sugino has a habit of being smug and disdainful. The only times he tones it down are when talking to Haruka, or with his “wife” Muu-chan, a little green youkai he carries with him everywhere and dotes on to ridiculously sappy effect. Pain in the ass though he is, Sugino does - occasionally - help our heroes out with things, and he can have good moods. Just don't provoke him if you value your eardrums.
Sample Entry:
Ugh, this is the pits. It figures that that stupid Kantarou would have to drag Oni-Eater out here - who the hell would want to visit this dump? Even an idiot can tell that no one cares about the upkeep of the woods or the mountains. There are festering humans drowning in festering holes in a festering swamp! Just where did the last caretaker god think he was off to, leaving it in a state like this? Whoever it was needed to do more than just vanish and leave a note behind. “Gone apocalypsin’” doesn’t cut it! Well, if this Cthulhu guy ever comes back, he can keep his lousy volcano.
But since I had to make a deal just to break into this place, you’d better believe there’ll be changes. If I’m going to be your volcano’s interim god, I expect proper worshipping from all you humans. And you know what, I’ve been here five minutes and you’re already doing it wrong. I don’t want your disgusting rotten limbs and eyeballs, who’d take that as an offering? The only thing being sacrificed here is my decency and sense of smell. Get rid of them, dump them in the lake or something. Go dunk yourselves in there while you’re at it, even I think humans look better when they’re not green. It’s not even a nice green like Muu-chan, is it, my darling? ♥
And while you’re paying attention, which one of you named the volcano? Mount Neverest is just about the dumbest name I’ve ever heard; it’s not even that big, so stop exaggerating. This pissy little thing is more of a molehill than a mountain, but it suits the place. Once you’ve scrubbed that green off, someone pick a new name for it. Yeah, I heard what the name of the area is-- don’t use that language in front of my wife. It’s not good enough for any mountain I preside over, so I’ll take suggestions now. No, not you, come back when you have the rest of your face. Groaning isn’t a name. Okay, you, speak up and make some sense… “Pompous”?! HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROB--
Oh, “Pompeii”? Okay, whatever, that works. I can’t see how that one could go wrong. See, this stuff isn’t hard. Just treat your god with the proper respect and this place’ll be less of a nightmare in no time. It’ll still be a dump, though; this place is beyond even my help. But maybe it will clean up enough to stop rotting the skin right off you. Humans really are miserable sometimes. Don’t groan at me, you brought it on yourselves. And keep your hands away from my robes. Don’t even think about touching Muu-chan, or all bets are off! You’re not getting anything from us, especially not whatever you’re grumbling about--huh. “Bird brain”, is it?
Muu-chan, I know might doesn’t make right… but I think ‘smite’ could make right with these guys.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Amaterasu
Series: Okami
Character Age: Unknown, but--is a fully-grown wolf
Job: Morale-Boosting Mascot
Canon: Once upon a time, the eight-headed Orochi terrorized the village of Kamiki, demanding the sacrifice of a maiden every year, until it was sealed by the legendary hero Nagi and the white wolf Shiranui. Though they were victorious, Shiranui died of her injuries and was entombed in stone, her power scattered across the country. Fast-forward a century, where Orochi has been freed to bring darkness to the world, and Shiranui has been revived under her true name, Amaterasu. Joined by a wisecracking sprite named Issun, she travels across Japan, restoring health to Guardian Saplings--giant holy cherry trees scattered across the country--kicking demon ass, and returning life and peace to the land.
Amaterasu, called origin of all that is good and mother to all, never actually speaks during the course of her canon, but is playful and puppyish--like any good dog, she likes her food and her play, and isn't afraid to use her head (sometimes literally!) to get something she wants. Whimsical in the face of grave situations and often falling asleep during long scenes of exposition, she nevertheless takes her role as a guardian and restorer of nature (literally trailing flowers behind her) quite seriously. She isn't always the brightest of heroes, though, easily bemused by the strange things she encounters in her travels. However, even when she's rushing to save the day, though, she's never so busy she can't stop to help people--or to feed the rabbits. Or pigs. Or the tigers. And they love her for that, hearts and all.
NOTE: In her quest, Amaterasu can utilize thirteen "brush spells" (using her tail as the brush), painting certain symbols in order to trigger events--a circle on trees to cause them to burst into bloom or to make others pet her, or a straight line to cut through anything that stands in her path.
Sample Post:
[There is a white wolf at the far edge of camp, near the swamp, right where everything is brown and half-rotten; she is approaching a horde of zombie squirrels. With a little heave, she tosses a bag, labeled with a picture of seeds, at them. Wagging her tail, she paws it open, then recoils, looking first surprised, then outright appalled, skittering back a few steps as a bunch of chipmunk heads come tumbling out. Her ears go back and her tail lowers, and she wrinkles her nose. As the squirrels fall upon their meal, she sits to watch them, cocking her head first from one side then to the other. When little bleeding hearts begin to appear over the squirrels' heads, she starts wagging her tail a little uncertainly.
With this feeding accomplished, she gets to her feet and trots towards the forest. Plants spring up in her wake--deadly nightshade, pitcher plants, venus flytraps, and sundews--and she glances back over her shoulder for a moment, then skitters to an abrupt stop. When they don't immediately vanish, she whines, pawing at them, and yelps when one of the larger flytraps snaps at her. For a moment, the world goes sepia-toned as an old photograph, and the wolf uses her tail to draw a straight line through those flowers. After this fades, an unseen force slices neatly through that carpet of flowers, as well as a large part of the forest. The wolf cringes a little as trees begin to topple, lowering her head and looking around a few times before she tiptoes away, often glancing back to make sure flowers aren't following her this time.
Once she's a safe distance away, the wolf relaxes into a loose gait, looking around curiously as she goes. She stops in front of the largest tree in the forest, circling the base and examining it. After a full circle, her tail begins to wag excitedly and she rears up onto her hind legs, pawing happily at the air for a few moments. Backing up a little, the sepia-tone returns to the world as she draws a broad circle over the tree, then waits expectantly as it fades. The tree bursts into bloom, and suddenly there is underwear everywhere, so much that it fills the air like a blizzard of cloth. A bra flutters down to land on the wolf's head, who flattens her ears and whines. She shakes her adornment off, sniffing at it before deliberately turning her back on it and stalking away from the blooming bloomers, head and tail high.]
Poll Vote!
Character: Marie Mjolnir
Series: Soul Eater
Age: Marriable age ;o; (late twenties)
Job: Matchmaker
Canon: Shibusen is a school for meisters and humans with the ability to turn into a weapon. Together, they fight crime! The students do a pretty good job of it themselves until on Christmas Eve, one of the BIG BADS (TM) is released from its 'permanent prison' and one of Shibusen's professor and most skilled Meisters, Dr. Stein, is infected with the resulting wave of insanity. In order to fortify Shibusen, headmaster Shinigami-sama calls in Death Scythes (higher leveled Weapons) stationed around the world. One of which is Marie Mjolnir of Oceania.
Marie's new job is to be a teacher at Shibusen, and most importantly, to be Stein's partner. Because of Marie's innate soul wavelength (and friendly personality!), she has the ability to make people feel at ease, and as a result, has a calming effect on Stein's insanity. However, Marie didn't want to teach at first; her dream was to retire and get married. Despite her tendency to whine dramatically, once determined she always tries her best and approaches any task with a cheerful attitude. As a Shibusen teacher, she puts her students first and prioritizes their safety above everything else. Caring and considerate though a tad flighty, Marie is a refreshing dose of normalcy at a school that generally employs mad scientists and zombies as instructors so long as you ignore her eccentries like wanting to marry a toilet (or really anything that would accept her) and punching things through walls when she's upset. Whoopsie!
Sample App:
Me? A matchmaker? No, no, no. You don't understand. I came here looking for a matchmaker, not to apply for the job. I mean, wouldn't it be sad? A single woman like myself having to help young people find love when I'm getting older by the second? This time is crucial for me! I need to be finding a boyfriend, not helping the competition! Aaaah, I don't want to do this. It would be like dooming me to a life of spinsterhood!
Sigh. Siiiiiigh. No, don't walk away. I'll still do it but I just have to get this out of my system first. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Hmm, much better! Since I'm the only one here and you need help. I guess it really can't be helped. If I'm going to be of any use, I have to hang in there and stop moping. Don't worry, I'll do my best!
Let's begin! Your new love life isn't going to wait. Oh, but since I've only just arrive here, I don't know who I could set you up with... I guess I can give you my womanly experience! Please listen carefully. Love is... Well, it's sort of like when... What is love? Here! Let me spell it out for you!
L is for longing to be with another.
O is for Or else you die aloneeeeee
V is for Valentine's Day is no longer a pain
E is for Everyday for all eternityyy
But you still can't have sex in Camp Fuck You Dee~
That's really just general advice. I could probably help you more if I knew what your type is. Ah, but that's only if you feel comfortable telling me. There's no pressure! Someone with brains like... her? Oh, I see her! ...well it is said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Aaah, someone who can accept all flaws, that would be my ideal type. A...hahaha. I mean, she's really cute! I think purple is a nice color on her. You have good taste! Hm? But if you weren't pointing to her, then who? It's just you and me here...
WAIT! What are you doing? You kind of need that to live! A-are you really offering me your heart? That's really disgusting... but so romantic! You may be ugly, dead and smelly; not to mention, I think teacher-student relationships are probably taboo, but we can overcome this! Love has no bounds after all! Now why don't you go right ahead and put that back in your chest? I don't literally want your heart, but I appreciate the gesture.
Wait a second, there seems to be some writing on here. You went so far as to get this engraved? You really shouldn't have. Well, I guess it's only right that I read it. Let's see... "Property of Miss Elizabeth Sayre and Camp Fuck You Die" Hey... who is this Elizabeth? You tried to give me a heart that belongs to another woman? So you think it's fun playing with an innocent girl's feelings, huh? I know what you are. You're nothing but a womanizer! MARIE PUNCH!
Sniff, why can't I get married?
Poll Vote!
Character name: Jayne Cobb
Series: Firefly (the series) and Serenity (the film)
Age: Late thirties to early forties
Job: Public relations
Canon: Set in the fairly distant future (a few centuries or so), Firefly is about the exploits of the crew of the Firefly-class transport vessel, Serenity. The crew of the ship goes on various transport missions - both legal and illegal - while having arguments with one another and cursing in blissfully untranslated Mandarin Chinese all the while. The ship and its crew are on the run from the Alliance interplanetary government, so between jobs, they also have to shake off federal patrols, bounty hunters, and dangerous crime lords - not to mention Reavers, horrific abominations of men who roam space, raiding any ship or town they can reach to gorge themselves on human flesh.
One of the central characters to the show is the ship's resident gun-toting mercenary, Jayne Cobb. He is easily swayed by money, or at least large piles of it, and has few principles that can't be bought out. Jayne's loyalty to any particular party is directly proportional to how well he's being paid. However, that isn't to say he's without a soft, chewy center; he shows concern over his crew members when they're in danger, even when he's the cause of said danger. He will often come to the rescue without expectation of a reward... but he'd be happy to accept one. He's not the brightest marble in the toolshed, though, and he's pretty easily tricked, especially if women or money are involved.
Sample Entry:
I don't know what sorta backwater, craphill planet this is, but I can't stand swamps. Swamps is what happens when nature takes a steamin' dump in the middle of the woods. It's humid, it smells like fermented dog crap, and the gorram flies--! I'm sweatier'n a boar in heat right now, an' it won't be real long now before I start to smell the part, too. To make matters worse, there's all these shamblin', rottin' piles of flesh walkin' 'round these parts that don't smell no better. First thing I thought when I saw 'em was Reavers, but Reavers is fast. These guys're too slow. Of course, I may or may not have unloaded a few rounds into the first one I saw. Bastard just jumped right out at me, clutchin' somethin'. I thought it mighta been a weapon or somethin', so I was well within my right.
Well, turns out he was holdin' an envelope with my name on it, so I suppose maybe in hindsight I shouldn't have blown his fool head off, but that's what happens when you jump in front of a heavily armed man covered in blood. They honestly expectin' me to read this? Alright, let's see what this here letter's got t'say. "Mister... Jayne... Cobb..." Yup, that's me... "We, the... Undersigned... are pleased to... announce... that you have been... selected... for a position with our fine... es... tab... lish... ment." Well, look here, ya low down, dirty undersigners! Jayne Cobb don't do any pro bonafide work! If you're gonna keep an armed man here, you damn well better have the coin to keep him fed, sheltered, an' all sexed-up, or else we're gonna have problems of the "I'm shootin' you in the face" sort. I'll fill ya full'a holes before you can say, "Hey! ...Don't fill me full'a holes."
Huh. Second page says I get a place to sleep an' free food. Now, this ain't so bad, so long as I don't have t'share my lodgin's with a buncha sociopaths with foot odor again. It'll at least be a nice diversion 'til the Cap'n comes lookin' for me. Course, maybe I can distract myself some more if there's some hot, young things struttin' their lady parts about. Just as long as they's not too young an' they ain't got entrails hangin' about. 'Fore I start worryin' about gettin' some tail, though, I better finish readin' this... yadda yadda, "no hair scrunchies," yadda yadda... blah, blah, blah, "no sex," blah blah bl-- Wait, no sex?!?
...Well, it's been real nice knowin' you folk. I'll be gettin' back to my ship. Y'all wanna come an' visit, I'll be in my bunk.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Emerson Cod
Series: Pushing Daisies
Age: 45 years, 7 weeks, 3 days, 8 hours, and 21 minutes
Job: Private Investigator
Canon: There once was a Pie-Maker so brave and so bold, who desperately wanted his love's hand to hold. But alas for poor Ned those thoughts could not linger, for you see he controlled death with the touch of a finger. One touch to the cold brought new life to gray cheeks, and for one minute, and only one minute, they could once again speak. But should one minute and one second go by, another replacement would then have to die.
Emerson Cod, a wily detective with triple-ply skin, saw this miracle happen and grinned a wide grin. For Emerson saw right away a good plan, and from that very moment a partnership began. Emerson loved money, he loved money a lot, but the thought of chasing criminals left him distraught. He would have the Pie-Maker awaken the dead, and in place of hard work he could ask them instead. But dear Emerson was not always cold-hearted and greedy, his heart would thaw slightly for the truly needy. However, he nursed a dark secret under his ever sarcastic wit. You see my dear friends, Emerson Cod loved. . . to knit.
Sample Entry:
Now kids, settle down while your Uncle Emerson tells you a story. It's got a little somethin' for everyone, so first one I see not payin' attention goes to jail. Or whatever that broken-down shack over there is. I know, I know. "Ain't fair." "I'm too young." "Uncle Emerson, I need to use the bathroom." Well, you shoulda went before I started this bus down the I Ain't Listenin' Road, headin' straight for In One Ear Out da Other-Ville.
Let's be startin' at the beginnin'. Most folks jump right to the end and ruin the whole story, but not your Uncle Emerson. Boys, you might be wantin' to cover your ears for this bit. It's about love. One fine mornin' your uncle got a love letter in the mail. Not one a those perfumed fancy kind, no. This was even better. A job offer. A private camp in the middle a nowhere was lookin' for a man like me to step up and do a bit o' investigatin'. That's bein' nosy for you little ones who don't understand them big words yet. Now imagine my surprise when I get here and can't find hide nor hair o' this Miss Sayre. It ain't my job to go lookin' for people who ain't got people payin' me to be lookin' for 'em, so I went for a little walk. I suppose you all are familiar with them ah...zombies that I saw.
Let me interrupt the story to say I don't have any idea where those shufflin', groanin', stinkin' folk came from. Ain't that just somethin', the dead up and walkin' around? Ha ha ha! Gosh, a fright like that makes a man hungry for pie, don't it? I think to calm my nerves I need a nice chat with a man who bakes pies. Chat him upside the head with one too...
But I digress. Where was I. Now the boys can come back cuz we're headin' to the scary bit. This is the part where I find out exactly what's goin' on around here. You think the slimy ones are the only dead things bein' revived around here but oh no. Seems like we got us some Latin users up in here, all talkin' about pro bono work. Seems like all the adults have been doin' it. Since Latin is a dead language, its phrases should be dead too but hell no. Let me try a little bit a translatin'. Anyone askin' you to do anythin' pro bono is a pro at bonin' your ass. Workin' for free? What kind of sick sadist thinks of that crap?! Your uncle's heart near stopped, kids. Don't get no ideas, I'm not a faintin' kind of man. But that's enough to make anyone cry.
No need goin' whinin' home to your mommas now, the story ain't over yet. See, your uncle is still goin' to be all nosy around here until he solves the mystery of where the hell all the money is comin' from to run this place. I smell somethin' fouler than that Tuesday Soup floatin' around here, and I means to find it. 'Course, I can't do it alone, and I'm expectin' you kids to join in. With just a small up-front contribution of $25 I'll have it all figured out and you home by the time you can say 'carpe argentum'.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sydney Losstarot
Series: Vagrant Story
Age: Mid to late 20's (it's safe to say that he's 25 at the very least)
Job: Shepherd of Lost Souls
Canon: Tactical Asspionage Action: Bondage Gear Ashley Riot's Item Crafting Adventure Vagrant Story is a dungeon-crawling semi-action RPG, brought to us by Squaresoft, who is in top "boys in leather" form with this one. The plot concerns Ashley Riot, a specialized soldier of unfortunate hair and even less fortunate pants, and his journey into the depths of the mysterious city of Leá Monde, a ghost town which, troublingly, is filled with zombies, fire-breathing dogs, lizard men (job: lizard men), and giant crab battles. He is under orders to dispose of the cult leader Sydney Losstarot and rescue the hostages he's taken. But Ashley isn't the only one on Sydney's trail...and nothing that Ashley knows is as straightforward as he might think. Not even his own memories.
The enigmatic and charismatic Sydney Losstarot is the leader of the heretical cult Müllenkamp. Drawing power from what is called "The Dark," Sydney has a long list of godmoding abilities, including the powers of immortality and also bossfight summoning. It's little surprise to note that Sydney is always in control of every situation he's in. He will always regard others with a condescending "unholier than thou" attitude. While not an anarchist per se, Sydney has disdain for authority: he despises the Church, the government, and its operatives. Yet while he condemns them for controlling the masses, he is not above manipulating his enemies and followers into doing his bidding. For him, his ends always justify his means. Sydney is not good; he's not nice; he's just right.
Sample Post:
Lady Director, do you mean to make a mockery of me? “Shepherd of lost souls” indeed. It is true that my own crook has led the devoted, but I am no cleric and I do not mean to play at your games. As for this wellspring, this “camp” of yours...is this truly what you do with such power? Do you even know its limits? Or have you been too blinded by the sweet draught of love to perceive your own folly? You gather the shambling corpses of the lost, summon abominations from abysmal planes, and yet my dear lady, you've found no answers, have you? Very well, let us entertain the notion that I'll cooperate with your sensibilities.
What of this flock, then, that I am to lead? Are they so cowed by the creatures of the Dark that they would cling to any guidance proffered to them? For I see that they've erected a church: how quaint. How...calming, that must be. Surely you must think this place a fitting hell for them. Poor bleating lambs, and shying away from Hell's flame. But know this: “Hell” is but a crucible that burns away impurities and tempers the very soul. Let them burn. In every flock, there are wolves amongst the sheep. Test them, and they'll bare their fangs soon enough. That, Lady Director, is my game. Lead your sheep unto me. Test them with cold corpse and tentacle, and I shall test them greater still. For even in the depths of this "camp," the Dark still bends to my will--there are yet many monstrosities that shall be visited upon this flock to awaken them from their weak-willed complacency. Yes, make them bleat and make them bleed, and in due time we shall find the wolves' jaws shall be clamped 'round our throats. Exciting, isn't it? To be the hart rather than the hunter. And for my dear sheep, my dear wolves, I leave a gift. The first of many, you'll find.
Bunsees-peekuru-tomaat-reitauros... Lord of the Broiling Flame, honor thy ancient contract and descend through the darkness unto me!
...I see your perversities twist even my magicks, Lady Director. Vexing indeed, but he'll serve my purposes all the same. Now, my lambs, I ask you: where is your god now?
Poll Vote!
Character: Joachim Valentine
Series: Shadow Hearts 2: Covenant
Age: 400+
Job: Inspirational Wrestling Coach
Canon: Shadow Hearts 2 is a tongue-in-cheek RPG set in 1915, at the start of World War I. It follows the continuing adventures of Yuri Volte Hyuga, star of the first game, as he makes his way through Europe and Japan in pursuit of the mysterious organization Sapientes Gladio. Along the way he meets a variety of, ehem, "colorful" characters, the most colorful of which may be Joachim Valentine.
Joachim seems to be an amalgamation of all the adjectives the game's creators had left over after creating the other characters. He is a pro wrestler, a vampire, and not terribly bright. He was voted the third gayest videogame character of all time, but suffers from an unnamed "dysfunction," probably brought about by his overuse of "Strongoids."
As a vampire, Joachim has three forms: normal human, invisible, and golden bat. In addition, he occasionally dons a butterfly mask and becomes Grand Papillon, champion of justice! His main method of attack when not a bat is to use a large phallic heavy objects to bludgeon his enemies. Amongst his weapons a support pillar for a house, a giant frozen tuna, and a skyscraper.
Sample Post:
When the forces of Darkness descend...
In the name of Justice, this fist!
In the name of Truth, these muscles!
In the name of Beauty, this butt!
I am... Grand Papillon!
Called to this remote location to teach its inhabitants the way of the warrior, I, Grand Papillon, search for a worthy place to lay down the ring! The ring where men will sweat manly sweat, their skin slick against one another's, groping and grappling toward the pinnacle, the purest expression of masculinity! The road will be long and hard, but with Grand Papillon to guide them, no child shall be left behind!
But I have encountered a problem! Purple, apish enemies of justice block my path, in their bestial eyes a glint I have not seen in many an episode! Such a look would send lesser men scurrying for cover, but not I! My heart is resolved, my jaw is set! These ghoulish gorillas will torment the innocent no longer!
All I need is a weapon!
Ah! This zombie, in the throes of rigor mortis, yet its hunger for flesh still burns. Fear not, fallen warrior! I, Grand Papillon, will assuage your hunger for you! Upon my shoulder you will live a new life as a champion of justice! Come, my stiff-and-unmoving-yet-filled-with-rage ally! To battle!
Hah! Huhgh! HWRAAAAA!
Yes, gorilla throng, run! Run, and be dazzled by my splendid muscles! My glittering sweat! My shadow, dark and tentacle-shaped, looming larger with each passing moment!
...another evildoer seeks to block my way! No matter what obstacle presents itself, though, my heart shall never waver! Even the Great Question himself could not strike fe-strike much fear into my soul! What, then, can you do? Justice will prevail, as long as I, Grand Papillon, am around to fight for it!
HWRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Eh, good enough, almost all of them are over 50. Closed!
Character Name: Sugino
Series: Tactics
Character Age: A few centuries at least, looks around 24
Job: Interim God of the Volcano
Canon: Ever since he was a boy, Ichinomiya Kantarou has been able to see youkai and make friends with them. But the one he really wanted to make friends with was the legendary oni-eating tengu. After many years of searching, Kantarou finally finds the oni-eating tengu, breaks the seal on him, and gives him the name Haruka. Then they lived happily bitchily ever after :). The story follows Kantarou and Haruka as they go about dealing with youkai problems, failing to make money, and sometimes being attacked by mysterious groups with mysterious motives. One not so mysterious person who occasionally breaks into their house to mooch off of them is Sugino.
Sugino is another tengu (bird youkai), and the resident “god” of the mountains near Sugino village. While that may sound impressive and awe-inspiring, Sugino himself could best be described as derisive, loud and often very irritating. As a white tengu who used to be human himself, Sugino makes no secret of his dislike for humans and is vehement about keeping humans and youkai separate. Even when he’s not on the subject of humans, Sugino has a habit of being smug and disdainful. The only times he tones it down are when talking to Haruka, or with his “wife” Muu-chan, a little green youkai he carries with him everywhere and dotes on to ridiculously sappy effect. Pain in the ass though he is, Sugino does - occasionally - help our heroes out with things, and he can have good moods. Just don't provoke him if you value your eardrums.
Sample Entry:
Ugh, this is the pits. It figures that that stupid Kantarou would have to drag Oni-Eater out here - who the hell would want to visit this dump? Even an idiot can tell that no one cares about the upkeep of the woods or the mountains. There are festering humans drowning in festering holes in a festering swamp! Just where did the last caretaker god think he was off to, leaving it in a state like this? Whoever it was needed to do more than just vanish and leave a note behind. “Gone apocalypsin’” doesn’t cut it! Well, if this Cthulhu guy ever comes back, he can keep his lousy volcano.
But since I had to make a deal just to break into this place, you’d better believe there’ll be changes. If I’m going to be your volcano’s interim god, I expect proper worshipping from all you humans. And you know what, I’ve been here five minutes and you’re already doing it wrong. I don’t want your disgusting rotten limbs and eyeballs, who’d take that as an offering? The only thing being sacrificed here is my decency and sense of smell. Get rid of them, dump them in the lake or something. Go dunk yourselves in there while you’re at it, even I think humans look better when they’re not green. It’s not even a nice green like Muu-chan, is it, my darling? ♥
And while you’re paying attention, which one of you named the volcano? Mount Neverest is just about the dumbest name I’ve ever heard; it’s not even that big, so stop exaggerating. This pissy little thing is more of a molehill than a mountain, but it suits the place. Once you’ve scrubbed that green off, someone pick a new name for it. Yeah, I heard what the name of the area is-- don’t use that language in front of my wife. It’s not good enough for any mountain I preside over, so I’ll take suggestions now. No, not you, come back when you have the rest of your face. Groaning isn’t a name. Okay, you, speak up and make some sense… “Pompous”?! HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROB--
Oh, “Pompeii”? Okay, whatever, that works. I can’t see how that one could go wrong. See, this stuff isn’t hard. Just treat your god with the proper respect and this place’ll be less of a nightmare in no time. It’ll still be a dump, though; this place is beyond even my help. But maybe it will clean up enough to stop rotting the skin right off you. Humans really are miserable sometimes. Don’t groan at me, you brought it on yourselves. And keep your hands away from my robes. Don’t even think about touching Muu-chan, or all bets are off! You’re not getting anything from us, especially not whatever you’re grumbling about--huh. “Bird brain”, is it?
Muu-chan, I know might doesn’t make right… but I think ‘smite’ could make right with these guys.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Amaterasu
Series: Okami
Character Age: Unknown, but--is a fully-grown wolf
Job: Morale-Boosting Mascot
Canon: Once upon a time, the eight-headed Orochi terrorized the village of Kamiki, demanding the sacrifice of a maiden every year, until it was sealed by the legendary hero Nagi and the white wolf Shiranui. Though they were victorious, Shiranui died of her injuries and was entombed in stone, her power scattered across the country. Fast-forward a century, where Orochi has been freed to bring darkness to the world, and Shiranui has been revived under her true name, Amaterasu. Joined by a wisecracking sprite named Issun, she travels across Japan, restoring health to Guardian Saplings--giant holy cherry trees scattered across the country--kicking demon ass, and returning life and peace to the land.
Amaterasu, called origin of all that is good and mother to all, never actually speaks during the course of her canon, but is playful and puppyish--like any good dog, she likes her food and her play, and isn't afraid to use her head (sometimes literally!) to get something she wants. Whimsical in the face of grave situations and often falling asleep during long scenes of exposition, she nevertheless takes her role as a guardian and restorer of nature (literally trailing flowers behind her) quite seriously. She isn't always the brightest of heroes, though, easily bemused by the strange things she encounters in her travels. However, even when she's rushing to save the day, though, she's never so busy she can't stop to help people--or to feed the rabbits. Or pigs. Or the tigers. And they love her for that, hearts and all.
NOTE: In her quest, Amaterasu can utilize thirteen "brush spells" (using her tail as the brush), painting certain symbols in order to trigger events--a circle on trees to cause them to burst into bloom or to make others pet her, or a straight line to cut through anything that stands in her path.
Sample Post:
[There is a white wolf at the far edge of camp, near the swamp, right where everything is brown and half-rotten; she is approaching a horde of zombie squirrels. With a little heave, she tosses a bag, labeled with a picture of seeds, at them. Wagging her tail, she paws it open, then recoils, looking first surprised, then outright appalled, skittering back a few steps as a bunch of chipmunk heads come tumbling out. Her ears go back and her tail lowers, and she wrinkles her nose. As the squirrels fall upon their meal, she sits to watch them, cocking her head first from one side then to the other. When little bleeding hearts begin to appear over the squirrels' heads, she starts wagging her tail a little uncertainly.
With this feeding accomplished, she gets to her feet and trots towards the forest. Plants spring up in her wake--deadly nightshade, pitcher plants, venus flytraps, and sundews--and she glances back over her shoulder for a moment, then skitters to an abrupt stop. When they don't immediately vanish, she whines, pawing at them, and yelps when one of the larger flytraps snaps at her. For a moment, the world goes sepia-toned as an old photograph, and the wolf uses her tail to draw a straight line through those flowers. After this fades, an unseen force slices neatly through that carpet of flowers, as well as a large part of the forest. The wolf cringes a little as trees begin to topple, lowering her head and looking around a few times before she tiptoes away, often glancing back to make sure flowers aren't following her this time.
Once she's a safe distance away, the wolf relaxes into a loose gait, looking around curiously as she goes. She stops in front of the largest tree in the forest, circling the base and examining it. After a full circle, her tail begins to wag excitedly and she rears up onto her hind legs, pawing happily at the air for a few moments. Backing up a little, the sepia-tone returns to the world as she draws a broad circle over the tree, then waits expectantly as it fades. The tree bursts into bloom, and suddenly there is underwear everywhere, so much that it fills the air like a blizzard of cloth. A bra flutters down to land on the wolf's head, who flattens her ears and whines. She shakes her adornment off, sniffing at it before deliberately turning her back on it and stalking away from the blooming bloomers, head and tail high.]
Poll Vote!
Character: Marie Mjolnir
Series: Soul Eater
Age: Marriable age ;o; (late twenties)
Job: Matchmaker
Canon: Shibusen is a school for meisters and humans with the ability to turn into a weapon. Together, they fight crime! The students do a pretty good job of it themselves until on Christmas Eve, one of the BIG BADS (TM) is released from its 'permanent prison' and one of Shibusen's professor and most skilled Meisters, Dr. Stein, is infected with the resulting wave of insanity. In order to fortify Shibusen, headmaster Shinigami-sama calls in Death Scythes (higher leveled Weapons) stationed around the world. One of which is Marie Mjolnir of Oceania.
Marie's new job is to be a teacher at Shibusen, and most importantly, to be Stein's partner. Because of Marie's innate soul wavelength (and friendly personality!), she has the ability to make people feel at ease, and as a result, has a calming effect on Stein's insanity. However, Marie didn't want to teach at first; her dream was to retire and get married. Despite her tendency to whine dramatically, once determined she always tries her best and approaches any task with a cheerful attitude. As a Shibusen teacher, she puts her students first and prioritizes their safety above everything else. Caring and considerate though a tad flighty, Marie is a refreshing dose of normalcy at a school that generally employs mad scientists and zombies as instructors so long as you ignore her eccentries like wanting to marry a toilet (or really anything that would accept her) and punching things through walls when she's upset. Whoopsie!
Sample App:
Me? A matchmaker? No, no, no. You don't understand. I came here looking for a matchmaker, not to apply for the job. I mean, wouldn't it be sad? A single woman like myself having to help young people find love when I'm getting older by the second? This time is crucial for me! I need to be finding a boyfriend, not helping the competition! Aaaah, I don't want to do this. It would be like dooming me to a life of spinsterhood!
Sigh. Siiiiiigh. No, don't walk away. I'll still do it but I just have to get this out of my system first. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Hmm, much better! Since I'm the only one here and you need help. I guess it really can't be helped. If I'm going to be of any use, I have to hang in there and stop moping. Don't worry, I'll do my best!
Let's begin! Your new love life isn't going to wait. Oh, but since I've only just arrive here, I don't know who I could set you up with... I guess I can give you my womanly experience! Please listen carefully. Love is... Well, it's sort of like when... What is love? Here! Let me spell it out for you!
L is for longing to be with another.
O is for Or else you die aloneeeeee
V is for Valentine's Day is no longer a pain
E is for Everyday for all eternityyy
But you still can't have sex in Camp Fuck You Dee~
That's really just general advice. I could probably help you more if I knew what your type is. Ah, but that's only if you feel comfortable telling me. There's no pressure! Someone with brains like... her? Oh, I see her! ...well it is said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Aaah, someone who can accept all flaws, that would be my ideal type. A...hahaha. I mean, she's really cute! I think purple is a nice color on her. You have good taste! Hm? But if you weren't pointing to her, then who? It's just you and me here...
WAIT! What are you doing? You kind of need that to live! A-are you really offering me your heart? That's really disgusting... but so romantic! You may be ugly, dead and smelly; not to mention, I think teacher-student relationships are probably taboo, but we can overcome this! Love has no bounds after all! Now why don't you go right ahead and put that back in your chest? I don't literally want your heart, but I appreciate the gesture.
Wait a second, there seems to be some writing on here. You went so far as to get this engraved? You really shouldn't have. Well, I guess it's only right that I read it. Let's see... "Property of Miss Elizabeth Sayre and Camp Fuck You Die" Hey... who is this Elizabeth? You tried to give me a heart that belongs to another woman? So you think it's fun playing with an innocent girl's feelings, huh? I know what you are. You're nothing but a womanizer! MARIE PUNCH!
Sniff, why can't I get married?
Poll Vote!
Character name: Jayne Cobb
Series: Firefly (the series) and Serenity (the film)
Age: Late thirties to early forties
Job: Public relations
Canon: Set in the fairly distant future (a few centuries or so), Firefly is about the exploits of the crew of the Firefly-class transport vessel, Serenity. The crew of the ship goes on various transport missions - both legal and illegal - while having arguments with one another and cursing in blissfully untranslated Mandarin Chinese all the while. The ship and its crew are on the run from the Alliance interplanetary government, so between jobs, they also have to shake off federal patrols, bounty hunters, and dangerous crime lords - not to mention Reavers, horrific abominations of men who roam space, raiding any ship or town they can reach to gorge themselves on human flesh.
One of the central characters to the show is the ship's resident gun-toting mercenary, Jayne Cobb. He is easily swayed by money, or at least large piles of it, and has few principles that can't be bought out. Jayne's loyalty to any particular party is directly proportional to how well he's being paid. However, that isn't to say he's without a soft, chewy center; he shows concern over his crew members when they're in danger, even when he's the cause of said danger. He will often come to the rescue without expectation of a reward... but he'd be happy to accept one. He's not the brightest marble in the toolshed, though, and he's pretty easily tricked, especially if women or money are involved.
Sample Entry:
I don't know what sorta backwater, craphill planet this is, but I can't stand swamps. Swamps is what happens when nature takes a steamin' dump in the middle of the woods. It's humid, it smells like fermented dog crap, and the gorram flies--! I'm sweatier'n a boar in heat right now, an' it won't be real long now before I start to smell the part, too. To make matters worse, there's all these shamblin', rottin' piles of flesh walkin' 'round these parts that don't smell no better. First thing I thought when I saw 'em was Reavers, but Reavers is fast. These guys're too slow. Of course, I may or may not have unloaded a few rounds into the first one I saw. Bastard just jumped right out at me, clutchin' somethin'. I thought it mighta been a weapon or somethin', so I was well within my right.
Well, turns out he was holdin' an envelope with my name on it, so I suppose maybe in hindsight I shouldn't have blown his fool head off, but that's what happens when you jump in front of a heavily armed man covered in blood. They honestly expectin' me to read this? Alright, let's see what this here letter's got t'say. "Mister... Jayne... Cobb..." Yup, that's me... "We, the... Undersigned... are pleased to... announce... that you have been... selected... for a position with our fine... es... tab... lish... ment." Well, look here, ya low down, dirty undersigners! Jayne Cobb don't do any pro bonafide work! If you're gonna keep an armed man here, you damn well better have the coin to keep him fed, sheltered, an' all sexed-up, or else we're gonna have problems of the "I'm shootin' you in the face" sort. I'll fill ya full'a holes before you can say, "Hey! ...Don't fill me full'a holes."
Huh. Second page says I get a place to sleep an' free food. Now, this ain't so bad, so long as I don't have t'share my lodgin's with a buncha sociopaths with foot odor again. It'll at least be a nice diversion 'til the Cap'n comes lookin' for me. Course, maybe I can distract myself some more if there's some hot, young things struttin' their lady parts about. Just as long as they's not too young an' they ain't got entrails hangin' about. 'Fore I start worryin' about gettin' some tail, though, I better finish readin' this... yadda yadda, "no hair scrunchies," yadda yadda... blah, blah, blah, "no sex," blah blah bl-- Wait, no sex?!?
...Well, it's been real nice knowin' you folk. I'll be gettin' back to my ship. Y'all wanna come an' visit, I'll be in my bunk.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Emerson Cod
Series: Pushing Daisies
Age: 45 years, 7 weeks, 3 days, 8 hours, and 21 minutes
Job: Private Investigator
Canon: There once was a Pie-Maker so brave and so bold, who desperately wanted his love's hand to hold. But alas for poor Ned those thoughts could not linger, for you see he controlled death with the touch of a finger. One touch to the cold brought new life to gray cheeks, and for one minute, and only one minute, they could once again speak. But should one minute and one second go by, another replacement would then have to die.
Emerson Cod, a wily detective with triple-ply skin, saw this miracle happen and grinned a wide grin. For Emerson saw right away a good plan, and from that very moment a partnership began. Emerson loved money, he loved money a lot, but the thought of chasing criminals left him distraught. He would have the Pie-Maker awaken the dead, and in place of hard work he could ask them instead. But dear Emerson was not always cold-hearted and greedy, his heart would thaw slightly for the truly needy. However, he nursed a dark secret under his ever sarcastic wit. You see my dear friends, Emerson Cod loved. . . to knit.
Sample Entry:
Now kids, settle down while your Uncle Emerson tells you a story. It's got a little somethin' for everyone, so first one I see not payin' attention goes to jail. Or whatever that broken-down shack over there is. I know, I know. "Ain't fair." "I'm too young." "Uncle Emerson, I need to use the bathroom." Well, you shoulda went before I started this bus down the I Ain't Listenin' Road, headin' straight for In One Ear Out da Other-Ville.
Let's be startin' at the beginnin'. Most folks jump right to the end and ruin the whole story, but not your Uncle Emerson. Boys, you might be wantin' to cover your ears for this bit. It's about love. One fine mornin' your uncle got a love letter in the mail. Not one a those perfumed fancy kind, no. This was even better. A job offer. A private camp in the middle a nowhere was lookin' for a man like me to step up and do a bit o' investigatin'. That's bein' nosy for you little ones who don't understand them big words yet. Now imagine my surprise when I get here and can't find hide nor hair o' this Miss Sayre. It ain't my job to go lookin' for people who ain't got people payin' me to be lookin' for 'em, so I went for a little walk. I suppose you all are familiar with them ah...zombies that I saw.
Let me interrupt the story to say I don't have any idea where those shufflin', groanin', stinkin' folk came from. Ain't that just somethin', the dead up and walkin' around? Ha ha ha! Gosh, a fright like that makes a man hungry for pie, don't it? I think to calm my nerves I need a nice chat with a man who bakes pies. Chat him upside the head with one too...
But I digress. Where was I. Now the boys can come back cuz we're headin' to the scary bit. This is the part where I find out exactly what's goin' on around here. You think the slimy ones are the only dead things bein' revived around here but oh no. Seems like we got us some Latin users up in here, all talkin' about pro bono work. Seems like all the adults have been doin' it. Since Latin is a dead language, its phrases should be dead too but hell no. Let me try a little bit a translatin'. Anyone askin' you to do anythin' pro bono is a pro at bonin' your ass. Workin' for free? What kind of sick sadist thinks of that crap?! Your uncle's heart near stopped, kids. Don't get no ideas, I'm not a faintin' kind of man. But that's enough to make anyone cry.
No need goin' whinin' home to your mommas now, the story ain't over yet. See, your uncle is still goin' to be all nosy around here until he solves the mystery of where the hell all the money is comin' from to run this place. I smell somethin' fouler than that Tuesday Soup floatin' around here, and I means to find it. 'Course, I can't do it alone, and I'm expectin' you kids to join in. With just a small up-front contribution of $25 I'll have it all figured out and you home by the time you can say 'carpe argentum'.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sydney Losstarot
Series: Vagrant Story
Age: Mid to late 20's (it's safe to say that he's 25 at the very least)
Job: Shepherd of Lost Souls
Canon: Tactical Asspionage Action: Bondage Gear Ashley Riot's Item Crafting Adventure Vagrant Story is a dungeon-crawling semi-action RPG, brought to us by Squaresoft, who is in top "boys in leather" form with this one. The plot concerns Ashley Riot, a specialized soldier of unfortunate hair and even less fortunate pants, and his journey into the depths of the mysterious city of Leá Monde, a ghost town which, troublingly, is filled with zombies, fire-breathing dogs, lizard men (job: lizard men), and giant crab battles. He is under orders to dispose of the cult leader Sydney Losstarot and rescue the hostages he's taken. But Ashley isn't the only one on Sydney's trail...and nothing that Ashley knows is as straightforward as he might think. Not even his own memories.
The enigmatic and charismatic Sydney Losstarot is the leader of the heretical cult Müllenkamp. Drawing power from what is called "The Dark," Sydney has a long list of godmoding abilities, including the powers of immortality and also bossfight summoning. It's little surprise to note that Sydney is always in control of every situation he's in. He will always regard others with a condescending "unholier than thou" attitude. While not an anarchist per se, Sydney has disdain for authority: he despises the Church, the government, and its operatives. Yet while he condemns them for controlling the masses, he is not above manipulating his enemies and followers into doing his bidding. For him, his ends always justify his means. Sydney is not good; he's not nice; he's just right.
Sample Post:
Lady Director, do you mean to make a mockery of me? “Shepherd of lost souls” indeed. It is true that my own crook has led the devoted, but I am no cleric and I do not mean to play at your games. As for this wellspring, this “camp” of yours...is this truly what you do with such power? Do you even know its limits? Or have you been too blinded by the sweet draught of love to perceive your own folly? You gather the shambling corpses of the lost, summon abominations from abysmal planes, and yet my dear lady, you've found no answers, have you? Very well, let us entertain the notion that I'll cooperate with your sensibilities.
What of this flock, then, that I am to lead? Are they so cowed by the creatures of the Dark that they would cling to any guidance proffered to them? For I see that they've erected a church: how quaint. How...calming, that must be. Surely you must think this place a fitting hell for them. Poor bleating lambs, and shying away from Hell's flame. But know this: “Hell” is but a crucible that burns away impurities and tempers the very soul. Let them burn. In every flock, there are wolves amongst the sheep. Test them, and they'll bare their fangs soon enough. That, Lady Director, is my game. Lead your sheep unto me. Test them with cold corpse and tentacle, and I shall test them greater still. For even in the depths of this "camp," the Dark still bends to my will--there are yet many monstrosities that shall be visited upon this flock to awaken them from their weak-willed complacency. Yes, make them bleat and make them bleed, and in due time we shall find the wolves' jaws shall be clamped 'round our throats. Exciting, isn't it? To be the hart rather than the hunter. And for my dear sheep, my dear wolves, I leave a gift. The first of many, you'll find.
Bunsees-peekuru-tomaat-reitauros... Lord of the Broiling Flame, honor thy ancient contract and descend through the darkness unto me!
...I see your perversities twist even my magicks, Lady Director. Vexing indeed, but he'll serve my purposes all the same. Now, my lambs, I ask you: where is your god now?
Poll Vote!
Character: Joachim Valentine
Series: Shadow Hearts 2: Covenant
Age: 400+
Job: Inspirational Wrestling Coach
Canon: Shadow Hearts 2 is a tongue-in-cheek RPG set in 1915, at the start of World War I. It follows the continuing adventures of Yuri Volte Hyuga, star of the first game, as he makes his way through Europe and Japan in pursuit of the mysterious organization Sapientes Gladio. Along the way he meets a variety of, ehem, "colorful" characters, the most colorful of which may be Joachim Valentine.
Joachim seems to be an amalgamation of all the adjectives the game's creators had left over after creating the other characters. He is a pro wrestler, a vampire, and not terribly bright. He was voted the third gayest videogame character of all time, but suffers from an unnamed "dysfunction," probably brought about by his overuse of "Strongoids."
As a vampire, Joachim has three forms: normal human, invisible, and golden bat. In addition, he occasionally dons a butterfly mask and becomes Grand Papillon, champion of justice! His main method of attack when not a bat is to use a large phallic heavy objects to bludgeon his enemies. Amongst his weapons a support pillar for a house, a giant frozen tuna, and a skyscraper.
Sample Post:
When the forces of Darkness descend...
In the name of Justice, this fist!
In the name of Truth, these muscles!
In the name of Beauty, this butt!
I am... Grand Papillon!
Called to this remote location to teach its inhabitants the way of the warrior, I, Grand Papillon, search for a worthy place to lay down the ring! The ring where men will sweat manly sweat, their skin slick against one another's, groping and grappling toward the pinnacle, the purest expression of masculinity! The road will be long and hard, but with Grand Papillon to guide them, no child shall be left behind!
But I have encountered a problem! Purple, apish enemies of justice block my path, in their bestial eyes a glint I have not seen in many an episode! Such a look would send lesser men scurrying for cover, but not I! My heart is resolved, my jaw is set! These ghoulish gorillas will torment the innocent no longer!
All I need is a weapon!
Ah! This zombie, in the throes of rigor mortis, yet its hunger for flesh still burns. Fear not, fallen warrior! I, Grand Papillon, will assuage your hunger for you! Upon my shoulder you will live a new life as a champion of justice! Come, my stiff-and-unmoving-yet-filled-with-rage ally! To battle!
Hah! Huhgh! HWRAAAAA!
Yes, gorilla throng, run! Run, and be dazzled by my splendid muscles! My glittering sweat! My shadow, dark and tentacle-shaped, looming larger with each passing moment!
...another evildoer seeks to block my way! No matter what obstacle presents itself, though, my heart shall never waver! Even the Great Question himself could not strike fe-strike much fear into my soul! What, then, can you do? Justice will prevail, as long as I, Grand Papillon, am around to fight for it!
HWRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Poll Vote!