(no subject)
uhhhh YZAK. OR ERYNE
let's see who is around first
sup
format a bitch? :>
-- batch
BATCH
kgldfjgdf
jadsHAHAHAHA
oh my god
HAVE ANOTHER BITCH i mean
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Cloooosed.
Character name: Scott Pilgrim
Series: Scott Pilgrim
Age: 23
Job: Dishwasher
Canon: Meet Scott Pilgrim, your hero. Scott's life is pretty sweet. His apartment is a crappy little hole, his band kind of sucks, and his friends are mean. Wait. That doesn't sound sweet at all. Okay, so stuff sucks, but at least he's dating the hot ninja delivery girl Ramona Flowers. A girl so hot, in fact, that her ex-boyfriends became so bitter and evil that they formed a league of destruction. That is crazy-making levels of hot. And if Scott wants to keep dating Ramona he has to defeat her seven evil ex-boyfriends in combat. It's kind of a hassle, but sometimes that's what a man has to do for love.
Scott is best described as, well, narrowly focused? Pleasantly simple? Alright, he's just kind of dumb. A life of video games and blows to the head will do that to a guy. The only thing worse than his attention span is his social skills. And his whining. Have I mentioned he doesn't remember if he finished college? Let's just say it's a good thing he's cute.
Sample Entry:
So I really appreciate getting a new job, but I was kind of hoping it would be a better job. Washing dishes is cool and all. I mean, it's alright. But I'm pretty sure I've leveled up to fry cook by now? And also that I'm not supposed to be chained to the sink? It's been a few hours and my hands are getting totally pruny and gross, and I have to pee, and I think I might be allergic to the metal or something because there's this rash. I tried poking at it for a while but it's not getting any better. It's got these ... there are lumps. Should I be worried? Can metal chains give you cancer?
Not that I'm trying to sound ungrateful or whatever. Just that. Um. It's just this job really sucks pretty bad. I guess I don't have a resumé which is my bad, but I can do lots of stuff that's not washing dishes. That's better than washing dishes! Like uh. ... I can play the bass line from the Final Fantasy 2 theme! And I make tasty garlic bread! And I draw really excellent sheep! You could pay me for drawing sheep, right? Kids would like it. They'd be all "Oh, Scott draw a sheep for me!" and I'd draw a big fluffy body and four legs and. Do sheep have curly tails, or is that goats? I never remember... Anyway, I draw sheep a lot better than I wash dishes and sheep-drawers definitely get pee breaks. I have rights, you know! I'm almost 100% sure!
Nobody's even listening to me, are they? I'm chained to this sink until my pruny, rashy skin falls off and my bladder explodes because nobody is around to hear my cries for help. All those dudes outside are the ghosts of dishwashers past who gnawed off their own limbs to escape their horrible hot soapy prison. Those creepy zombie guys are my future. Noo, I don't waaanna be a gross ex-dishwasher with one arm and a rash and an exploded bladder! I just want rash ointment and potty time! For serious on the potty time, dude, I drank like three things of Mountain Dew before I got here and the water's been running pretty much constantly and I have to pee so bad. Really bad. Like really so bad I don't know how much longer I can--
Um. Problem solved.
Please don't tell my roommate I wore his pants today.
Poll Vote!
Name: Belimai Sykes
Canon: Wicked Gentlemen by Ginn Hale
Age: ~24
Job Interspecies liaison
Canon: Imagine, if you will, a city much like Jack the Ripper's London: crowded, squalid, seething with violence. Now imagine it as a theocracy, policed by a kinder, gentler Inquisition that doesn't burn all of its victims. Now, dear reader, imagine this city's literal underworld, populated by a race known as the Prodigals: descendants of demons who renounced Hell and submitted to baptism in the hope that they, or their progeny, would someday find forgiveness from God. The road to redemption is long and hard, however, and currently humans and Prodigals live in an uneasy truce -- humans mistrust the Prodigals' magic power, and Prodigals resent their second-class-citizen status.
Prodigal Belimai Sykes makes his living in the no man's land between the two races: his home is above ground, in the human half of the city, and he works as an intermediary and investigator for people who can't deal with the other side themselves. He's a cynical man, thanks to his bad experiences with the law in the past, but still possessed of a grudging compassion that he can't always suppress. He has a keen eye -- and nose -- for detail, which come in handy when he's trying to solve gruesome mysteries. His weaknesses include long walks on the beach addictive drugs, handsome Inquisitors, and a tendency to narrate in florid, purple prose. Ultimately, Belimai is one of the good guys. The jury's still out on whether he's one of the nice ones.
Sample post:
What a bitter disappointment, indeed, to be offered employment a thousand leagues from Hells Below, only to find here a foul stench as pungent as that I had hoped to leave behind. My would-be employer's letter described this place as a lush and verdant estate; somehow she seems to have neglected to mention that the lake was a more vivid green than the undergrowth -- or that the undergrowth would be infested with underthings. Perhaps I should have reviewed the finer points of the terms of service she suggested. They do say the devil's in the details, after all; it should be in my nature.
Well. Where there is one...distortion of the truth, I might do well to expect another. Not, perhaps, an outright lie, just as it was not wholly untrue that this place is vibrant and full of life. Plenty of things do appear to thrive in the fetid dampness of this swamp -- not only the trees with bloomers in place of blooms, but this extremely outgoing tangle of vines. Yet these are no aid to me. Fascinating they may be, but I have yet to be hired by a vegetable. I would expect my client to be more animated -- or perhaps reanimated, if this unfortunate gentleman is at all representative.
No, sir, please don't trouble yourself to come closer. I can discern quite enough about your condition by the scent that precedes you. Ah, no, I assure you it isn't a matter of discrimination. Dealing with society's unwanted is my business, and I have seen men in more grotesque states before, though I admit they were not still shuffling and moaning. I don't find you so horrible. I've been told that even the most wicked soul in the most corrupt flesh is capable of aspiring to greatness -- and from your grimace I see that your heart is touched as much as mine was the first time I heard that charming platitude. No, you don't need to show me. I'm not such a hopeless romantic that I'd want you baring your heart to me when we've only just met.
I'd rather discuss practical matters than something so mushy anyway. I am here, in fact, in pursuit of employment. I've received a rather strident letter from a Madam Marcy, suggesting that she needs assistance in...negotiations with unsympathetic humans. It's an uncomfortable position to be placed in, but one I have experience with. Now, if you could only help me find her; her letter named this lake as a landmark, but did not describe the lady herself, so I am uncertain how I shall recogn--
Ah. That is Madam Marcy. I take it back. This particular uncomfortable position is an entirely new experience.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Blurr
Series: Transformers Animated
Age: unknown (giant robot), but has the mentality of someone in their late twenties/early thirties
Job: Driver's Ed Instructor
Canon: In the latest incarnation of the classic 80's cartoon about giant sentient robots that transform into cars, the fate of the world, and more immediately Detroit, rests on the chassis of a ragtag group of repairbots. But not to worry, Optimus Prime and crew aren't always alone in their fight, and receive occasional help and information from the Elite Guard, the best of the best in Cybertron's military.
To say Blurr's fast is like saying that a bullet train's speed "will have to do". This Elite Guard Intelligence Agent is in a constant state of movement, and seems to get irritable and impatient when something gets in his way or he has to wait for those around him to catch up. And in conversation, Blurr is well, a motor-mouth. He's very, very verbose, somewhat snippy, and has a habit of straying off on long-winded tangents--all of which combined leave even his fellow Autobots without words. But don't worry, he can give you his family history, tell you what he had for lunch, and give you a thoroughly detailed status report all in less time than it would take you to ask him what's up. Of course, you may not catch it all. But one to two words every sentence can give you the general idea, right?
Sample Entry:
If I could just have your attention for one minute, as that's the time limit I've been given to make my introduction. Of course, that's fine with me since I am in a hurry, but back to the point!
I'm not sure what you think qualifies me for this position of "Driver's Education Instructor", but it looks as if I'll simply have to take this current turn of events and roll with it. One would really think for a bot like me, building up the necessary momentum and breaking out of here would hardly take longer than a nano-click. However, despite multiple attempts to do, so it seems all I have managed--aside of making myself dizzy from running around in circles at high velocity--is wear away at the ground directly adjacent to your barrier through my efforts.
Incidentally, in case anyone was curious, said barrier extends at least thirteen feet below the surface, and your camp now has what I believe your culture refers to as a moat.
But more on my sudden and untimely job appointment. First of all, why exactly do you human organics believe such action even necessary? Careful analysis of the surrounding area has shown a multitude of high-level risks to new drivers, including but not limited to animal crossings, both plotholes and potholes big enough to swallow a bot whole, and absentminded pedestrians--literally. In fact, not only are the roads, or if you don't mind me saying so, lack thereof, completely unsuitable for the use of nearly all forms of transport, but in addition to that I'm still at a loss as to what exactly I am supposed to be teaching you to drive. It's certainly not going to be me, thank you very much. Because no offense, but after the experiences I've had on your planet I have to say it's a wonder how your cars put up with you at all. The popular form of refueling here may be the use of pumps to fill one's tank, but I'll let you know right now--despite having once been subjected to the humiliation of being "topped off"--I'm not that kind of bot.
Of course, I have heard mention of a white van located somewhere on the premises that could be of use, though it hardly sounds like an ideal vehicle of choice for maneuvering in these type of conditions. And let me not forget to mention that that is still only one vehicle. Despite how many tiny humans I've been told can fit inside of it, I highly doubt it can hold all of you at once. And we will be needing enough cars for you all to be taught simultaneously, because along with desiring this to be finished quickly I really really really don't like having to repeat myself. The fate of your world, and the known galaxy, is at stake here so I hope you understand that I would like to get out of here as fast as possible. Thank you.
...
Is there a reason you're all staring at me like that? It's not because I finished early, is it? After all, no one ever told me I had to use the whole minute.
Poll Vote!
Character: Oda Nobunaga
Series: Sengoku Musou/Musou Orochi
Character Age: Mid thirties.
Job: Career Adviser
Canon: One of many interpretations of the Sengoku/Warring States period, Sengoku Musou covers the legends of that time, from the Tokugawa warlord to the dancing priestess. Koei then takes this one step further with its Musou Orochi series-- combining Japan with Three Kingdoms era China. Why? So that the Serpent King Orochi could find a worthy opponent, the strongest warrior-- the one capable of ending his life. With a combination of timeline fuckery, unholy alliances, and more than one instance of things that just don't make sense, many lols were had. One of the warriors was Oda Nobunaga, a prominent warlord whose life was prematurely ended by the betrayal of one of his men. Of course, a game with characters from the Sengoku era is just not complete without him!
Taken miraculously from before his death, Nobunaga fights against Orochi, building a resistance force grudgingly comprised of many of his former enemies and allies. His goal remains to dominate the country of Japan-- if the Serpent King is the strongest in the land, than Nobunaga will become even stronger to defeat him. A ruthless, cruel, and at times sadistic warlord, Nobunaga finds amusement in crushing the hopes and dreams of those who desperately try to stop him. His sense of humor is morbid at best, and completely lacking at worst-- he laughs before telling his men to cut down enemy soldiers, mocks men who would come to him to surrender. Dark armor, black feathers, and a sword that makes lightsaber sounds only add to the demonic, rogueish, and despicable image that he has in Sengoku Musou, just as in nearly every other source he is in.
Sample Post:
Hahaha.
Is this the best that you could do, Lady Sayre? A simple swamp? Surrounded by wilderness on either side, where you force people from other worlds to live here in despair and hopelessness? I won't even give you points for creativity-- it's all been done before and better. The only screams of terror I hear are from the mess hall and only the shambling, broken-down natives are missing any body parts. There is no sign of war, or even the smallest sign of conflicts. No matter what you may think, "flame wars" hardly count.
I am Oda Nobunaga. My dear, sweet "campers", I have come to this camp in order to give everyone a sense of direction. The chaos, the lack of proper civilization, living your lives alongside moving corpses and amorous monkeys, with little in your future-- I have come to sweep all that away. This land is too small to be profitable, too swampy and filled with disease to be properly utilized. If I had any of my men with me, and any intent to really take it for my own, this land would be gone. You should count yourselves lucky for today that I will not fight you just yet. Or should you?
No, today I have come here to aid you. So many young, capable people- beautiful, strong men and intelligent, fierce women. While they may not all be warriors, they all have their own gifts, do they not? Gifts and talents that I am here to help perfect.
Consider me your career adviser from this day forth. Many of you already know what direction you want your life to take. You know what you want, you just need to know how to get it. In that way, I can help you. Whether you want to conquer your country, the world, or that tentacled monster in the lake, I will give you the best support that I can, and you'll find that my experience - with conquering, with monsters - will be enough to turn the tide of your time here. I will give you the tools that you need to crush your enemies, your rivals, and perhaps one or two of your allies as well.
Dear children, if you want to make it in the world, to bring forth the happiness of others as well as yourself, you must be prepared to make some sacrifices. You see, if you truly want to shape your own destinies, you must do so with your hands. Your sweat, your tears, your blood. I know that young people such as yourselves are usually familiar with working with your hands, building calluses day after day with the hard, repetitive motions you've grown used to. Who can blame you, after all? But we must put your energy to a more productive use.
If I am to properly guide you in your careers, then we must work together for the future. For your future. If you are not thoroughly disturbed, then we are not working hard enough. Come, let us meet together soon, to discuss what we can do for the future of you and this land. Come alone.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Shego
Series: Kim Possible
Age: Considering she has a college degree, it's likely she's in her mid-twenties. I'm shooting for twenty-five or twenty-six.
Job: Demotivational Speaker/Counselor of Fail and Stupidity
Canon: Kim Possible was a show that ran from 2003 - 2007, about a crime-fighting teenager (Ren StevensKim Possible) and her best friend/sidekick (Eric Matthews Ron Stoppable), fighting bad guys and making their way through a pun-filled world of crime, all the while attempting to maintain a normal high school life in a suburban town.
Kim's nefarious arch nemesis, Dr. Drakken, is the show's main antagonist. He's quite incompetent and seems to throw temper tantrums that one could liken to a toddler, so it is a good thing that his loyal henchwoman/sidekick, Shego, has a child development degree. Shego is a green-skinned mercenary for evil, offering up her villainess services to various wealthy individuals in the series, but ultimately sticks with Dr. Drakken, cutting down his self-esteem and mocking the theatrics involved in his plans of evil. Speaking of evil? Shego is it. A former heroine herself, Shego once belonged to a team of do-gooders that was composed of she and her brothers, but eventually found more respect for the 'bad' side and possibly more business revenue, too. Also, her brothers annoyed her. A lot.
Now a dry-humoured renegade, Shego is damn good at what she does, excelling in hand-to-hand combat and shooting green glowy stuff out of her fingers. She rarely indulges in things that will not benefit her financially or give her a good challenge, unless it's on her own terms and there is vacationing involved. She's greedy, intelligent, facetious, and an intrepid fast-talker that can work with what she has and innovate with what she hasn't. She stood you up at prom, bro.
Sample Post:
Woooow, can anyone tell me what was up with those zombies back there? Geez, at least make green look good. There's really no excuse for that. I mean, c'mon, seriously? That's just being lazy.
Though, that little 'encounter' back there got me thinking: The undead have a pretty bad reputation, and I think it's kind of unjustified. Of all of the creeps and weird jerks you could run into in the world, zombies are probably the most decent ones out there. They at least give you a fair warning of what their intentions are, and that's more than I can say for half of the guys that I meet. Seriously, imagine if every criminal was so courteous as to make their intentions clear, in grunting slow-motion at that, as they approached you. Face it, you'd appreciate it if a mugger found you in an alley and dragged his feet the entire way, moaning "ASSSAAAULLLTTT" and "STOLEN VALUAAABLLEESSSS", huh? Honestly? The "braaaiiinns" thing just strikes me as classy. Plus, they are SUPER slow, which, haha, realllly works out for me.
Tangent aside, this place is all ..... swampy. And gross. And mosquito-y. Not somewhere I wanna waterski at. Better get paid well, that's all I'm saying.
Waitwait. Wait.
Is that a fleshy chunk on my shoulder?
No, ew. Okay, I'm just gonna look away for about ten seconds. When I look back, it better not be there. If so, I'm not responsible for anyone getting a drive-by flicking.
What a glamorous job this already is turning out to be. Oh, right. Job. Hey, the name's Shego. I'm a certified- yeah, that's right, I'm legit - counselor and know a lot about the brain and stuff. Most importantly, I know when something's gone terribly wrong with someone else's brain. I'm here as the new Demotivational Speaker, which means I get to talk YOU out of doing stupid things. Don't come to me for encouragement, there are plenty of suckers that are hired to care about your success. What I care about is your failure, mmkay? Failures end up in heartbreak for you, and paralysis for others at times. We gotta stop that.
So what I gather here is that a lot of you don't know what you're doing. I'd wager that the average citizen at this place seems to be on a very low-functioning level, and that raises some concerns. We get to work through these concerns, okay? Planning on confessing your love to someone, in spite of knowing that they seem pretty annoyed of you half the time? Something's wrong with your brain. I'm here to help. Wanting to see if you can jump off the roof of one of the cabins and land on that trampoline you set up? Your brain. Not working. I will help. Come to me if you need to be talked out of doing something, not if you need encouragement to "follow your heart." Had enough of that, okay? Don't wanna hear it.
I guess I should add in that like, I really really, really don't get personal with my patients. You're also submitting yourself to my scathing judgment and criticism, and possibly all of your secrets being spilled if I find them juicy enough. Fair warning. Don't feel shy to come to me if you've ALREADY done something idiotic, and need me to cover your tracks.
... You're not even listening to me, are you? HelLOOO? Come on, I prepared the introduction and everyth-
Oh. Well, in this light, your skin didn't really look that green. Or rotten. Hm. I'm just gonna be over here then, you uh, do that waddling-like-a-penguin thing you do. Very menacing. I'm quivering in my boots.
.... That chunk is still there. It's flicking time.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Antonio Salieri
Series: Amadeus (film version)
Age: 38
Job: Music Instructor B
Canon: Imagine this: You are an all-around Paragon of Virtue, and you think God has blessed you because you’re awesome and everyone listens to your music. Not only do they listen to it, but they like it. Even the Emperor of Austria. In fact, he likes it so much that he makes you Court Composer. Things are sweet; you even get the chance to meet the guy who you’ve admired as a composer for a while. But that’s when the shit goes down. Turns out this guy is a vulgar, disgusting, lecherous, annoying, loud SLOB who you would rather like to stab in the eye with a violin bow. But his music is absolutely beautiful. In fact, calling it beautiful is an understatement; his music is the music of GOD. Which is hella annoying, sure, but you can sort of tolerate the guy. That is, until you see him at a party mocking not only your music, but you yourself. It is then you realize that it is not that idiot laughing at you, but GOD. GOD, that bitch, who is laughing at you and saying ‘LOL YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SO COOL. WELL NOW YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH I JUST SHAFTED YOU, DON’T YOU? WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?’ Then you realize that you must kill him, and God will be forced to listen to your music and not laugh. Welcome to the logic of Antonio Salieri.
Salieri is Amadeus’s main antagonist, with a penchant for being obsessive, manipulative, cunning, and to have a love for chocolate. As it stands, he was raised in the society of the Classical Era, so he is also what one would call rather stuffy and rigid while in polite company, however when in the company of someone that truly annoys him, or the company of friends, he gains a bit more of a sarcastic edge. He also has little patience for foolery, especially when there is work to be done. His nature can seem manipulative, kind, blunt, gentle, cold, caring, vicious, pious, cruel or helpful, depending on his mood or the situation he is in. This nature of his makes him not only the antagonist, but a complete foil to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (the protagonist) in personality, and sets the stage for why Salieri hates Mozart as much as he does, pushing all the way to a clear point of obsession. Salieri is a paragon of virtue, living neatly and nicely, and as a virgin. He is (seemingly) mild mannered with many of the Court, gracious, courteous, polite. Salieri, however, has to work for his music. He spends hours upon hours on compositions, writing and rewriting, using up inkbottle after inkbottle for one composition, and yet, it still cannot even begin to compare to what Mozart has written. To Salieri, it is as if God has shunned all the hard work he has done throughout the years, and has blessed this vile, vulgar, disgusting thing with what Salieri has always yearned for: The music of God. It is that effortlessness that makes Salieri hate Mozart so much as to not only stalk every single one of his performances, hiding in the shadow of a box office, but to also want to orchestrate his death through manipulation and cunning.
Sample Entry:
Settle down. I said settle down! Yes, when I say settle down, that means sit down in your seats and be quiet, not hang from the ceiling like a monkey. You, stop jabbing your neighbor with your violin bow! You could poke someone’s eye out with that. No, it does not matter if his eye is already partially decomposed, it’s the principle of jabbing his eye out in the first place. We are about to begin our rehearsal, and I do not need you all chattering while practice is going on. Be quiet! That’s better. Now, as you all know, we will be performing the overture to "La Frascatana", and-
I beg your pardon? Did you just ask me why we are performing this? Young sir, we are performing this work because it is a lovely piece of music; it was most beautifully and carefully crafted, and deserves our greatest effort-...yes, I did write it, thank you for your ability to point out my name at the top of the page. ...Of course you have to play this piece! I am your conductor; I chose the music! Now sit down and we shall begi-
No, I do not care if your viola gets burnt by the ducks. I hardly think they have any sort of interest in your instrument. Even if such a ridiculous thing were to happen, you would have to just get a new one. ...No, it will not get you out of playing this piece. You are in this orchestra to play the music I set in front of you, not to argue with me about the choice of literature. Now, will you please-
...Absolutely not! We will certainly not be playing anything by Mozart. I am the conductor, sir, not that foul, crass, annoying, loud, foolish excuse for a composer. We will not be playing anything like that! Now, sit down and read the music I have put in front of you. I will hear no more arguments about it, is that clear?
...All right, now, who replaced "La Frascatana" with "My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard"?
Poll Vote!
Character name: Gabranth
Series: Final Fantasy XII
Age: 36
Job: Evil Twin
Canon: The world of Final Fantasy XII is a world at war. On one side; Archadia. Opposing her; Rozarria. And stuck somewhere in the middle is Dalmasca, although by the time the game starts it’s been more-or-less annexed by Archadia. The story that unfolds from there is one of power - and more specifically how far someone will go to gain (or regain) power.
As a Judge Magister - the highest echelon of the Archadian royal family’s elite guard and also the final arbiters of the law - Gabranth’s loyalty naturally lies with Archadia. However, he doesn’t precisely agree with with Archadian policy, something of a rarity for his position. This is primarily due to the fact that he wasn’t originally an Archadian citizen - Archadia conquered his homeland, and he joined the ranks of his conquerors mainly because he felt he had no other options. As a result, he’s grown into a bitter, broken man over the years, although he still has his pride (if not his honor). As for the inevitable anger that’s built up over the years? That gets promptly transferred over to his brother, in what could almost be called a bizarre case of sibling rivalry. He simply doesn’t understand how his brother, who fled to Dalmasca only to allow his new country to be conquered as well, has been able to hold on to the very thing he no longer has - honor.
Sample Entry:
This is... Nabreus? What manner of trickery is this, to spirit me to such a desolate place? Whoever is responsible, show yourself! What need had you to bring me here, away from all that I held most dear?! There is but one place that my loyalty lies and it is neither here nor with you. Nor will you change that, even if you drag me away from the very thing I protect. I will not bend so quickly to the yoke of another. Not when there is still need for my presence, need which you cannot keep me from. No matter how long the journey may be.
...You would speak to me of honor? Of duty? There is no honor in what I have done. Honor will not bring back what I have lost. And yet I will not yield! I am Judge Magister; sword and shield of House Solidor. A harsh price, but one I willingly pay. That is where my duty lies. Not here, and not to the whims of temptress unseen. It is time and past that I returned to where I should be. There are matters to be tended to, I will not let them go untended longer than I must.
Nor will I allow you to impede me in this. All who stand in my way will feel my blade. Man, beast, or undead. It matters little.
...You would send these fell creatures at me even so? Very well. I will cut them down as many times as it takes!
Poll Vote!
let's see who is around first
sup
format a bitch? :>
-- batch
BATCH
kgldfjgdf
jadsHAHAHAHA
oh my god
HAVE ANOTHER BITCH i mean
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Cloooosed.
Character name: Scott Pilgrim
Series: Scott Pilgrim
Age: 23
Job: Dishwasher
Canon: Meet Scott Pilgrim, your hero. Scott's life is pretty sweet. His apartment is a crappy little hole, his band kind of sucks, and his friends are mean. Wait. That doesn't sound sweet at all. Okay, so stuff sucks, but at least he's dating the hot ninja delivery girl Ramona Flowers. A girl so hot, in fact, that her ex-boyfriends became so bitter and evil that they formed a league of destruction. That is crazy-making levels of hot. And if Scott wants to keep dating Ramona he has to defeat her seven evil ex-boyfriends in combat. It's kind of a hassle, but sometimes that's what a man has to do for love.
Scott is best described as, well, narrowly focused? Pleasantly simple? Alright, he's just kind of dumb. A life of video games and blows to the head will do that to a guy. The only thing worse than his attention span is his social skills. And his whining. Have I mentioned he doesn't remember if he finished college? Let's just say it's a good thing he's cute.
Sample Entry:
So I really appreciate getting a new job, but I was kind of hoping it would be a better job. Washing dishes is cool and all. I mean, it's alright. But I'm pretty sure I've leveled up to fry cook by now? And also that I'm not supposed to be chained to the sink? It's been a few hours and my hands are getting totally pruny and gross, and I have to pee, and I think I might be allergic to the metal or something because there's this rash. I tried poking at it for a while but it's not getting any better. It's got these ... there are lumps. Should I be worried? Can metal chains give you cancer?
Not that I'm trying to sound ungrateful or whatever. Just that. Um. It's just this job really sucks pretty bad. I guess I don't have a resumé which is my bad, but I can do lots of stuff that's not washing dishes. That's better than washing dishes! Like uh. ... I can play the bass line from the Final Fantasy 2 theme! And I make tasty garlic bread! And I draw really excellent sheep! You could pay me for drawing sheep, right? Kids would like it. They'd be all "Oh, Scott draw a sheep for me!" and I'd draw a big fluffy body and four legs and. Do sheep have curly tails, or is that goats? I never remember... Anyway, I draw sheep a lot better than I wash dishes and sheep-drawers definitely get pee breaks. I have rights, you know! I'm almost 100% sure!
Nobody's even listening to me, are they? I'm chained to this sink until my pruny, rashy skin falls off and my bladder explodes because nobody is around to hear my cries for help. All those dudes outside are the ghosts of dishwashers past who gnawed off their own limbs to escape their horrible hot soapy prison. Those creepy zombie guys are my future. Noo, I don't waaanna be a gross ex-dishwasher with one arm and a rash and an exploded bladder! I just want rash ointment and potty time! For serious on the potty time, dude, I drank like three things of Mountain Dew before I got here and the water's been running pretty much constantly and I have to pee so bad. Really bad. Like really so bad I don't know how much longer I can--
Um. Problem solved.
Please don't tell my roommate I wore his pants today.
Poll Vote!
Name: Belimai Sykes
Canon: Wicked Gentlemen by Ginn Hale
Age: ~24
Job Interspecies liaison
Canon: Imagine, if you will, a city much like Jack the Ripper's London: crowded, squalid, seething with violence. Now imagine it as a theocracy, policed by a kinder, gentler Inquisition that doesn't burn all of its victims. Now, dear reader, imagine this city's literal underworld, populated by a race known as the Prodigals: descendants of demons who renounced Hell and submitted to baptism in the hope that they, or their progeny, would someday find forgiveness from God. The road to redemption is long and hard, however, and currently humans and Prodigals live in an uneasy truce -- humans mistrust the Prodigals' magic power, and Prodigals resent their second-class-citizen status.
Prodigal Belimai Sykes makes his living in the no man's land between the two races: his home is above ground, in the human half of the city, and he works as an intermediary and investigator for people who can't deal with the other side themselves. He's a cynical man, thanks to his bad experiences with the law in the past, but still possessed of a grudging compassion that he can't always suppress. He has a keen eye -- and nose -- for detail, which come in handy when he's trying to solve gruesome mysteries. His weaknesses include long walks on the beach addictive drugs, handsome Inquisitors, and a tendency to narrate in florid, purple prose. Ultimately, Belimai is one of the good guys. The jury's still out on whether he's one of the nice ones.
Sample post:
What a bitter disappointment, indeed, to be offered employment a thousand leagues from Hells Below, only to find here a foul stench as pungent as that I had hoped to leave behind. My would-be employer's letter described this place as a lush and verdant estate; somehow she seems to have neglected to mention that the lake was a more vivid green than the undergrowth -- or that the undergrowth would be infested with underthings. Perhaps I should have reviewed the finer points of the terms of service she suggested. They do say the devil's in the details, after all; it should be in my nature.
Well. Where there is one...distortion of the truth, I might do well to expect another. Not, perhaps, an outright lie, just as it was not wholly untrue that this place is vibrant and full of life. Plenty of things do appear to thrive in the fetid dampness of this swamp -- not only the trees with bloomers in place of blooms, but this extremely outgoing tangle of vines. Yet these are no aid to me. Fascinating they may be, but I have yet to be hired by a vegetable. I would expect my client to be more animated -- or perhaps reanimated, if this unfortunate gentleman is at all representative.
No, sir, please don't trouble yourself to come closer. I can discern quite enough about your condition by the scent that precedes you. Ah, no, I assure you it isn't a matter of discrimination. Dealing with society's unwanted is my business, and I have seen men in more grotesque states before, though I admit they were not still shuffling and moaning. I don't find you so horrible. I've been told that even the most wicked soul in the most corrupt flesh is capable of aspiring to greatness -- and from your grimace I see that your heart is touched as much as mine was the first time I heard that charming platitude. No, you don't need to show me. I'm not such a hopeless romantic that I'd want you baring your heart to me when we've only just met.
I'd rather discuss practical matters than something so mushy anyway. I am here, in fact, in pursuit of employment. I've received a rather strident letter from a Madam Marcy, suggesting that she needs assistance in...negotiations with unsympathetic humans. It's an uncomfortable position to be placed in, but one I have experience with. Now, if you could only help me find her; her letter named this lake as a landmark, but did not describe the lady herself, so I am uncertain how I shall recogn--
Ah. That is Madam Marcy. I take it back. This particular uncomfortable position is an entirely new experience.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Blurr
Series: Transformers Animated
Age: unknown (giant robot), but has the mentality of someone in their late twenties/early thirties
Job: Driver's Ed Instructor
Canon: In the latest incarnation of the classic 80's cartoon about giant sentient robots that transform into cars, the fate of the world, and more immediately Detroit, rests on the chassis of a ragtag group of repairbots. But not to worry, Optimus Prime and crew aren't always alone in their fight, and receive occasional help and information from the Elite Guard, the best of the best in Cybertron's military.
To say Blurr's fast is like saying that a bullet train's speed "will have to do". This Elite Guard Intelligence Agent is in a constant state of movement, and seems to get irritable and impatient when something gets in his way or he has to wait for those around him to catch up. And in conversation, Blurr is well, a motor-mouth. He's very, very verbose, somewhat snippy, and has a habit of straying off on long-winded tangents--all of which combined leave even his fellow Autobots without words. But don't worry, he can give you his family history, tell you what he had for lunch, and give you a thoroughly detailed status report all in less time than it would take you to ask him what's up. Of course, you may not catch it all. But one to two words every sentence can give you the general idea, right?
Sample Entry:
If I could just have your attention for one minute, as that's the time limit I've been given to make my introduction. Of course, that's fine with me since I am in a hurry, but back to the point!
I'm not sure what you think qualifies me for this position of "Driver's Education Instructor", but it looks as if I'll simply have to take this current turn of events and roll with it. One would really think for a bot like me, building up the necessary momentum and breaking out of here would hardly take longer than a nano-click. However, despite multiple attempts to do, so it seems all I have managed--aside of making myself dizzy from running around in circles at high velocity--is wear away at the ground directly adjacent to your barrier through my efforts.
Incidentally, in case anyone was curious, said barrier extends at least thirteen feet below the surface, and your camp now has what I believe your culture refers to as a moat.
But more on my sudden and untimely job appointment. First of all, why exactly do you human organics believe such action even necessary? Careful analysis of the surrounding area has shown a multitude of high-level risks to new drivers, including but not limited to animal crossings, both plotholes and potholes big enough to swallow a bot whole, and absentminded pedestrians--literally. In fact, not only are the roads, or if you don't mind me saying so, lack thereof, completely unsuitable for the use of nearly all forms of transport, but in addition to that I'm still at a loss as to what exactly I am supposed to be teaching you to drive. It's certainly not going to be me, thank you very much. Because no offense, but after the experiences I've had on your planet I have to say it's a wonder how your cars put up with you at all. The popular form of refueling here may be the use of pumps to fill one's tank, but I'll let you know right now--despite having once been subjected to the humiliation of being "topped off"--I'm not that kind of bot.
Of course, I have heard mention of a white van located somewhere on the premises that could be of use, though it hardly sounds like an ideal vehicle of choice for maneuvering in these type of conditions. And let me not forget to mention that that is still only one vehicle. Despite how many tiny humans I've been told can fit inside of it, I highly doubt it can hold all of you at once. And we will be needing enough cars for you all to be taught simultaneously, because along with desiring this to be finished quickly I really really really don't like having to repeat myself. The fate of your world, and the known galaxy, is at stake here so I hope you understand that I would like to get out of here as fast as possible. Thank you.
...
Is there a reason you're all staring at me like that? It's not because I finished early, is it? After all, no one ever told me I had to use the whole minute.
Poll Vote!
Character: Oda Nobunaga
Series: Sengoku Musou/Musou Orochi
Character Age: Mid thirties.
Job: Career Adviser
Canon: One of many interpretations of the Sengoku/Warring States period, Sengoku Musou covers the legends of that time, from the Tokugawa warlord to the dancing priestess. Koei then takes this one step further with its Musou Orochi series-- combining Japan with Three Kingdoms era China. Why? So that the Serpent King Orochi could find a worthy opponent, the strongest warrior-- the one capable of ending his life. With a combination of timeline fuckery, unholy alliances, and more than one instance of things that just don't make sense, many lols were had. One of the warriors was Oda Nobunaga, a prominent warlord whose life was prematurely ended by the betrayal of one of his men. Of course, a game with characters from the Sengoku era is just not complete without him!
Taken miraculously from before his death, Nobunaga fights against Orochi, building a resistance force grudgingly comprised of many of his former enemies and allies. His goal remains to dominate the country of Japan-- if the Serpent King is the strongest in the land, than Nobunaga will become even stronger to defeat him. A ruthless, cruel, and at times sadistic warlord, Nobunaga finds amusement in crushing the hopes and dreams of those who desperately try to stop him. His sense of humor is morbid at best, and completely lacking at worst-- he laughs before telling his men to cut down enemy soldiers, mocks men who would come to him to surrender. Dark armor, black feathers, and a sword that makes lightsaber sounds only add to the demonic, rogueish, and despicable image that he has in Sengoku Musou, just as in nearly every other source he is in.
Sample Post:
Hahaha.
Is this the best that you could do, Lady Sayre? A simple swamp? Surrounded by wilderness on either side, where you force people from other worlds to live here in despair and hopelessness? I won't even give you points for creativity-- it's all been done before and better. The only screams of terror I hear are from the mess hall and only the shambling, broken-down natives are missing any body parts. There is no sign of war, or even the smallest sign of conflicts. No matter what you may think, "flame wars" hardly count.
I am Oda Nobunaga. My dear, sweet "campers", I have come to this camp in order to give everyone a sense of direction. The chaos, the lack of proper civilization, living your lives alongside moving corpses and amorous monkeys, with little in your future-- I have come to sweep all that away. This land is too small to be profitable, too swampy and filled with disease to be properly utilized. If I had any of my men with me, and any intent to really take it for my own, this land would be gone. You should count yourselves lucky for today that I will not fight you just yet. Or should you?
No, today I have come here to aid you. So many young, capable people- beautiful, strong men and intelligent, fierce women. While they may not all be warriors, they all have their own gifts, do they not? Gifts and talents that I am here to help perfect.
Consider me your career adviser from this day forth. Many of you already know what direction you want your life to take. You know what you want, you just need to know how to get it. In that way, I can help you. Whether you want to conquer your country, the world, or that tentacled monster in the lake, I will give you the best support that I can, and you'll find that my experience - with conquering, with monsters - will be enough to turn the tide of your time here. I will give you the tools that you need to crush your enemies, your rivals, and perhaps one or two of your allies as well.
Dear children, if you want to make it in the world, to bring forth the happiness of others as well as yourself, you must be prepared to make some sacrifices. You see, if you truly want to shape your own destinies, you must do so with your hands. Your sweat, your tears, your blood. I know that young people such as yourselves are usually familiar with working with your hands, building calluses day after day with the hard, repetitive motions you've grown used to. Who can blame you, after all? But we must put your energy to a more productive use.
If I am to properly guide you in your careers, then we must work together for the future. For your future. If you are not thoroughly disturbed, then we are not working hard enough. Come, let us meet together soon, to discuss what we can do for the future of you and this land. Come alone.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Shego
Series: Kim Possible
Age: Considering she has a college degree, it's likely she's in her mid-twenties. I'm shooting for twenty-five or twenty-six.
Job: Demotivational Speaker/Counselor of Fail and Stupidity
Canon: Kim Possible was a show that ran from 2003 - 2007, about a crime-fighting teenager (Ren StevensKim Possible) and her best friend/sidekick (Eric Matthews Ron Stoppable), fighting bad guys and making their way through a pun-filled world of crime, all the while attempting to maintain a normal high school life in a suburban town.
Kim's nefarious arch nemesis, Dr. Drakken, is the show's main antagonist. He's quite incompetent and seems to throw temper tantrums that one could liken to a toddler, so it is a good thing that his loyal henchwoman/sidekick, Shego, has a child development degree. Shego is a green-skinned mercenary for evil, offering up her villainess services to various wealthy individuals in the series, but ultimately sticks with Dr. Drakken, cutting down his self-esteem and mocking the theatrics involved in his plans of evil. Speaking of evil? Shego is it. A former heroine herself, Shego once belonged to a team of do-gooders that was composed of she and her brothers, but eventually found more respect for the 'bad' side and possibly more business revenue, too. Also, her brothers annoyed her. A lot.
Now a dry-humoured renegade, Shego is damn good at what she does, excelling in hand-to-hand combat and shooting green glowy stuff out of her fingers. She rarely indulges in things that will not benefit her financially or give her a good challenge, unless it's on her own terms and there is vacationing involved. She's greedy, intelligent, facetious, and an intrepid fast-talker that can work with what she has and innovate with what she hasn't. She stood you up at prom, bro.
Sample Post:
Woooow, can anyone tell me what was up with those zombies back there? Geez, at least make green look good. There's really no excuse for that. I mean, c'mon, seriously? That's just being lazy.
Though, that little 'encounter' back there got me thinking: The undead have a pretty bad reputation, and I think it's kind of unjustified. Of all of the creeps and weird jerks you could run into in the world, zombies are probably the most decent ones out there. They at least give you a fair warning of what their intentions are, and that's more than I can say for half of the guys that I meet. Seriously, imagine if every criminal was so courteous as to make their intentions clear, in grunting slow-motion at that, as they approached you. Face it, you'd appreciate it if a mugger found you in an alley and dragged his feet the entire way, moaning "ASSSAAAULLLTTT" and "STOLEN VALUAAABLLEESSSS", huh? Honestly? The "braaaiiinns" thing just strikes me as classy. Plus, they are SUPER slow, which, haha, realllly works out for me.
Tangent aside, this place is all ..... swampy. And gross. And mosquito-y. Not somewhere I wanna waterski at. Better get paid well, that's all I'm saying.
Waitwait. Wait.
Is that a fleshy chunk on my shoulder?
No, ew. Okay, I'm just gonna look away for about ten seconds. When I look back, it better not be there. If so, I'm not responsible for anyone getting a drive-by flicking.
What a glamorous job this already is turning out to be. Oh, right. Job. Hey, the name's Shego. I'm a certified- yeah, that's right, I'm legit - counselor and know a lot about the brain and stuff. Most importantly, I know when something's gone terribly wrong with someone else's brain. I'm here as the new Demotivational Speaker, which means I get to talk YOU out of doing stupid things. Don't come to me for encouragement, there are plenty of suckers that are hired to care about your success. What I care about is your failure, mmkay? Failures end up in heartbreak for you, and paralysis for others at times. We gotta stop that.
So what I gather here is that a lot of you don't know what you're doing. I'd wager that the average citizen at this place seems to be on a very low-functioning level, and that raises some concerns. We get to work through these concerns, okay? Planning on confessing your love to someone, in spite of knowing that they seem pretty annoyed of you half the time? Something's wrong with your brain. I'm here to help. Wanting to see if you can jump off the roof of one of the cabins and land on that trampoline you set up? Your brain. Not working. I will help. Come to me if you need to be talked out of doing something, not if you need encouragement to "follow your heart." Had enough of that, okay? Don't wanna hear it.
I guess I should add in that like, I really really, really don't get personal with my patients. You're also submitting yourself to my scathing judgment and criticism, and possibly all of your secrets being spilled if I find them juicy enough. Fair warning. Don't feel shy to come to me if you've ALREADY done something idiotic, and need me to cover your tracks.
... You're not even listening to me, are you? HelLOOO? Come on, I prepared the introduction and everyth-
Oh. Well, in this light, your skin didn't really look that green. Or rotten. Hm. I'm just gonna be over here then, you uh, do that waddling-like-a-penguin thing you do. Very menacing. I'm quivering in my boots.
.... That chunk is still there. It's flicking time.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Antonio Salieri
Series: Amadeus (film version)
Age: 38
Job: Music Instructor B
Canon: Imagine this: You are an all-around Paragon of Virtue, and you think God has blessed you because you’re awesome and everyone listens to your music. Not only do they listen to it, but they like it. Even the Emperor of Austria. In fact, he likes it so much that he makes you Court Composer. Things are sweet; you even get the chance to meet the guy who you’ve admired as a composer for a while. But that’s when the shit goes down. Turns out this guy is a vulgar, disgusting, lecherous, annoying, loud SLOB who you would rather like to stab in the eye with a violin bow. But his music is absolutely beautiful. In fact, calling it beautiful is an understatement; his music is the music of GOD. Which is hella annoying, sure, but you can sort of tolerate the guy. That is, until you see him at a party mocking not only your music, but you yourself. It is then you realize that it is not that idiot laughing at you, but GOD. GOD, that bitch, who is laughing at you and saying ‘LOL YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SO COOL. WELL NOW YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH I JUST SHAFTED YOU, DON’T YOU? WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?’ Then you realize that you must kill him, and God will be forced to listen to your music and not laugh. Welcome to the logic of Antonio Salieri.
Salieri is Amadeus’s main antagonist, with a penchant for being obsessive, manipulative, cunning, and to have a love for chocolate. As it stands, he was raised in the society of the Classical Era, so he is also what one would call rather stuffy and rigid while in polite company, however when in the company of someone that truly annoys him, or the company of friends, he gains a bit more of a sarcastic edge. He also has little patience for foolery, especially when there is work to be done. His nature can seem manipulative, kind, blunt, gentle, cold, caring, vicious, pious, cruel or helpful, depending on his mood or the situation he is in. This nature of his makes him not only the antagonist, but a complete foil to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (the protagonist) in personality, and sets the stage for why Salieri hates Mozart as much as he does, pushing all the way to a clear point of obsession. Salieri is a paragon of virtue, living neatly and nicely, and as a virgin. He is (seemingly) mild mannered with many of the Court, gracious, courteous, polite. Salieri, however, has to work for his music. He spends hours upon hours on compositions, writing and rewriting, using up inkbottle after inkbottle for one composition, and yet, it still cannot even begin to compare to what Mozart has written. To Salieri, it is as if God has shunned all the hard work he has done throughout the years, and has blessed this vile, vulgar, disgusting thing with what Salieri has always yearned for: The music of God. It is that effortlessness that makes Salieri hate Mozart so much as to not only stalk every single one of his performances, hiding in the shadow of a box office, but to also want to orchestrate his death through manipulation and cunning.
Sample Entry:
Settle down. I said settle down! Yes, when I say settle down, that means sit down in your seats and be quiet, not hang from the ceiling like a monkey. You, stop jabbing your neighbor with your violin bow! You could poke someone’s eye out with that. No, it does not matter if his eye is already partially decomposed, it’s the principle of jabbing his eye out in the first place. We are about to begin our rehearsal, and I do not need you all chattering while practice is going on. Be quiet! That’s better. Now, as you all know, we will be performing the overture to "La Frascatana", and-
I beg your pardon? Did you just ask me why we are performing this? Young sir, we are performing this work because it is a lovely piece of music; it was most beautifully and carefully crafted, and deserves our greatest effort-...yes, I did write it, thank you for your ability to point out my name at the top of the page. ...Of course you have to play this piece! I am your conductor; I chose the music! Now sit down and we shall begi-
No, I do not care if your viola gets burnt by the ducks. I hardly think they have any sort of interest in your instrument. Even if such a ridiculous thing were to happen, you would have to just get a new one. ...No, it will not get you out of playing this piece. You are in this orchestra to play the music I set in front of you, not to argue with me about the choice of literature. Now, will you please-
...Absolutely not! We will certainly not be playing anything by Mozart. I am the conductor, sir, not that foul, crass, annoying, loud, foolish excuse for a composer. We will not be playing anything like that! Now, sit down and read the music I have put in front of you. I will hear no more arguments about it, is that clear?
...All right, now, who replaced "La Frascatana" with "My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard"?
Poll Vote!
Character name: Gabranth
Series: Final Fantasy XII
Age: 36
Job: Evil Twin
Canon: The world of Final Fantasy XII is a world at war. On one side; Archadia. Opposing her; Rozarria. And stuck somewhere in the middle is Dalmasca, although by the time the game starts it’s been more-or-less annexed by Archadia. The story that unfolds from there is one of power - and more specifically how far someone will go to gain (or regain) power.
As a Judge Magister - the highest echelon of the Archadian royal family’s elite guard and also the final arbiters of the law - Gabranth’s loyalty naturally lies with Archadia. However, he doesn’t precisely agree with with Archadian policy, something of a rarity for his position. This is primarily due to the fact that he wasn’t originally an Archadian citizen - Archadia conquered his homeland, and he joined the ranks of his conquerors mainly because he felt he had no other options. As a result, he’s grown into a bitter, broken man over the years, although he still has his pride (if not his honor). As for the inevitable anger that’s built up over the years? That gets promptly transferred over to his brother, in what could almost be called a bizarre case of sibling rivalry. He simply doesn’t understand how his brother, who fled to Dalmasca only to allow his new country to be conquered as well, has been able to hold on to the very thing he no longer has - honor.
Sample Entry:
This is... Nabreus? What manner of trickery is this, to spirit me to such a desolate place? Whoever is responsible, show yourself! What need had you to bring me here, away from all that I held most dear?! There is but one place that my loyalty lies and it is neither here nor with you. Nor will you change that, even if you drag me away from the very thing I protect. I will not bend so quickly to the yoke of another. Not when there is still need for my presence, need which you cannot keep me from. No matter how long the journey may be.
...You would speak to me of honor? Of duty? There is no honor in what I have done. Honor will not bring back what I have lost. And yet I will not yield! I am Judge Magister; sword and shield of House Solidor. A harsh price, but one I willingly pay. That is where my duty lies. Not here, and not to the whims of temptress unseen. It is time and past that I returned to where I should be. There are matters to be tended to, I will not let them go untended longer than I must.
Nor will I allow you to impede me in this. All who stand in my way will feel my blade. Man, beast, or undead. It matters little.
...You would send these fell creatures at me even so? Very well. I will cut them down as many times as it takes!
Poll Vote!