(no subject)
Last batch! Please remember to vote in Yzak's batch, too.
Info about the next apping round will be posted when ... one of us wakes up. Later. Yes.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Close enough, CLOSED.
Character name: Sasha Nein
Series: Psychonauts
Age: 30ish
Job: Psychic Trainer
Canon: The very basic plot of Psychonauts is that in a world where psychics are so common that they have their own government agency, one boy, Raz, wants to become a member so badly that he runs away from home and sneaks into a training camp for psychic kids to join up. Unfortunately, he only has one day to do it in before his dad comes for him, and since he hasn't been officially recruited the teachers aren't supposed to teach him anything.
Sasha is one of those teachers. He was born in Germany, but left home as a teenager after traumatizing himself by accidentally stumbling onto memories of his parents having sex while trying to find out about his dead mother by reading his father's mind. It turned out well for him, as he's now a super-star Psychonaut who's so wrapped up in his own studies of the human mind that he has no idea he's become a famous hero. These days he spends much of his free time in his underground lab, occasionally inviting especially talented children down for special training.
At first glance Sasha seems to be your standard 'stoic scientist who values his research more than human lives' type, albeit one with a few weird quirks (most notably an intense hatred of Tiffany lamps), but it quickly becomes obvious that he's not as cold as he seems. Although rumors float around the camp that kids who go to his special training don't make it back, he is actually quick to purposely scare kids off if it looks like his experiments might become dangerous to them by offering to train them to fight. This tactic usually works so well that he's surprised when it fails on Raz, and needs to admit that he's not actually allowed to do so unless he can get a learner's permit. He tends to sidle around rules with the age old "I'm not allowed to ask you to do this, but here are some glaring hints how to do this thing that I'm not asking you to do" strategy. His teaching style is very hands-off, but he's quick to offer praise whenever its deserved. He even cracks the occasional joke, though they're so deadpan that they're easy to miss, and his partner has memories that indicate he's perfectly comfortable with looking completely goofy, even flashing a peace sign towards the 'camera' while dressed up in a flamboyant costume.
Sample Entry:
Interesting. I don't believe that I've seen a creature quite like these toucans before. Although our files contain very little information on this area, what research I was able to do before arriving here indicated that there was nothing nearby which might cause psychic mutations in animals. Is this a sign of a previously unknown mutagen, or have they migrated from elsewhere? If no one is too attached to these creatures, I'd like to capture one or two samples to run a few tests.
But first, I must speak to whichever of you called for Psychonaut assistance with this issue. While I realize that some might find having a bird read their mind unsettling, it is not what we would call a 'psychic emergency'. That designation is reserved for situations which might cause someone actual permanent harm, not simple annoyance. If your gorillas begin telekinetically flinging barrels at campers, for instance, or squirrels start exploding into fireballs. As a rule of thumb, you should only contact us if you don't mind your tax dollars funding whatever mission you're calling us to; we are a government agency, after all.
However, as I'm already here anyway, I can offer a little assistance if any of you children are truly bothered by these creatures. There is a trick to dealing with mind readers that even those entirely devoid of psychic power can accomplish. Simply picture in your mind the most horrible thing you can possibly imagine, and hold that image in the forefront of your thoughts. I would recommend a gaudy stained-glass monstrosity, but whatever you can picture most clearly is best. After a moment, voila, your mental intruder will leave in disgust and you may return to your usual hormonal teenaged mindset without further embarrassment.
When I arrived I was asked if I could stay and teach you all more than just that one trick, however any further lessons would be of no help to anyone without psychic powers of their own. It is extraordinarily unlikely that any of you will suddenly manifest powers in the future if you haven't already, and science has yet to reach a point where it can produce them in a previously average mind... although, if any of you wish to help further the ongoing progress in that field, you are welcome to leave me your names. However, if there are any untrained psychics in your midst, I'm not expected back for a few days and can spare the time to teach you a modicum of control. A little knowledge may be a dangerous thing, but no knowledge at all can lead to sudden explosive decranialization after all.
Ah. I see that the gorillas are perfectly capable of flinging barrels even without the help of telekinesis. It seems that they don't realize that head smashing is quite different from head explosion. Don't worry, children, I'll see that they learn their lesson.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kenzaki Kazuma
Series: Kamen Rider Blade
Age: 22
Job: Wildlife Interrelations Counselor
Canon: Ten thousand years ago, there was a fight, the Battle Fight, to determine the dominant species on Earth. Now that battle is starting again. But this time, humanity has fighters on its side, Kamen Riders, to make sure that humanity stays dominant, thanks to the organization known as BOARD. The main hero of the group is Kenzaki Kazuma, Kamen Rider Blade.
Kenzaki didn't really have any close friends in his life until he ended up at Shirai Kotarou's house. An orphan, he thought his job with BOARD was in it for the pay... until he realized that he wanted to save people more than that. By his own choice, he sacrifices nearly everything for one person, without regrets, becoming not human in the process. And he'd do the same for anybody he'd consider 'friend'. Which seems to be most everybody, actually. Kenzaki is willing to see the best in people, even if the people aren't human. Plagued by the guilt of not being able to save his parents, he instead turns his attentions towards the rest of the world. And as for camp... if he can't save the world here, at least he can try to make things better. After all, he convinced a monster to be human; how hard can getting the people of Camp Fuck You Die to cooperate be?
Sample Post:
Hi there! I know the sign-up sheet said "motorcycle repair class", but it's because I thought that people would get along better if they had a common goal. And see? We have humans, nonhumans, zombies, gorillas, and even the toucans working, all beside one another. If you look over there, you can tell we've even got Marcy participating too. See, she's saying hello! No, that's not an attempt to kidnap and carry off one of the other campers; she knows I won't allow that. I know it doesn't look like it, but I've got experience fighting monsters with tentacles. She's just a little... bigger than what I used to tackle.
Which is why I called you over here. Yes, I'm aware that you think the gorilla attacked you first; but I'm sure he didn't mean to either. He's not human; he doesn't think the same way you or I do. And I was perfectly capable of stopping him, honest. Oh, the swollen eyelid? It'll heal. Yes, I'm aware I bruise green, but that's okay. I'm not human, they're not human, you're human, we all have to get along. It's all part of my job. You see that sign I put up on the door? The "Wildlife Relations Counselor" one. It's because the Director gave me this job and I'm determined to do well at it! Even if I have to work at it a little. I've never been a counselor before, and so it was very nice for the Director to offer it to me out of the blue.
Hold on, I have to get that toucan to stop trying to throw wrenches at the other students. Sometimes they get enthusiastic about the repair jobs; I don't think anybody's ever included them in a shop class before. Though one of them threw a wrench through a zombie the other day and it took me hours to sew it back up. But I didn't hold that against the toucan. After all, it's my job to understand how to make people work together better. Even if they're toucans. And zombies. Or lake monsters. Speaking of which...
See how Marcy is doing some of that heavy lifting? She wants to participate in the class too. Or at least I think she does. In any case, you see how well she's doing? She's got that hood lifted up so that the zombies can work on it. As soon as I get the toucans to hand them the tools instead of throwing them, everything will move smoother. You should go over there and work with them; they don't bite, I promise. And if they do, we can always take you to the hospital. It's okay.
Watch out! That was close. I'm sorry Marcy just threw the engine at you! I'll go talk to her about that. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, though! She gets enthusiastic. And I think she wants you to work with her.
....Maybe tossing the entire motorcycle at you was a little extreme, though. But she wants to work with you, really. She just doesn't quite understand that tossing things at people doesn't work too well. Yes, I can believe she was tossing rowboats at you last week. But here you'll work together. I know you can! And if not, I can do something about it. I am a hero, after all. I was hired to do it. Just like I was hired to work here. And if that means making people understand that they can't toss engine parts, body parts, or entire vehicles at each other, then that's what I'm going to do.
Now, excuse me, I have a lake monster to talk to!
Poll Vote!
Character name: The Dark Adonis Vyers/Mid-Boss
Series: Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Age: Unknown; looks around 20-30
Job: Instructor of Retaining Composure and Amazing hair While Battling Fiercely and Fabulously
Canon: The world of Disgaea is frightening to those who are faint of heart, prudes, afraid of fourth-wall breakage, or just plain hate leveling up. After losing the Netherworld royal throne due to napping for two years, Prince Laharl and his minions scamper around beating down any and every contender. One of the leading competitors for the throne is Vyers, self-proclaimed “The Dark Adonis.” As Vyers challenges him, however, Laharl decides Vyers doesn’t deserve an impressive title and, much to Vyers’ dismay, dubs him “Mid-Boss,” which he is referred to as for the rest of the game.
Vyers is the token comic relief in Disgaea, showing up multiple times to challenge Laharl, each time losing before making a spectacular show of disappearing with a pathetic excuse. Though he is constantly defeated by the godmode that is Laharl, he is nowhere near weak, justifying his pompous and conceited attitude. Speaking in a flamboyant tone, his speech is cultured and, though he is from Hell, sprinkled with French. Although he attempts to keep up a façade of refined yet grandiose royalty, he is quick to lose his composure when his failure is witnessed as he attempts to protect this image. Vyers is a sorry excuse for the refined, godlike hero women swoon over, though he persists to keep that image up even as he is treated as a laughingstock.
Sample Entry:
Oh my! It seems someone has been so kind as to send a greeting crew for my arrival! Non non, my dear friends, I am flattered, but you needn’t come all this way to greet me when you are injured so. Oh? Of course you are zombies. Might I have employed you over there on the left at some point? Hmm, it seems I am mistaken. It is a bit hard to tell the difference between zombies -- you all seem to have the same complexion. And you all seem to speak in the same dialect, though I suppose that must be a cultural characteristic. And -- what did you say?! I am in no way classist, mon ami! Why, nearly a quarter of my party is of the zombie class! And they are all equipped with the best items money can buy! They even have health and dental benefits! Have you any idea how much medical coverage costs for zombies? C’est terrible! Well, fine, if you all refuse to help me, I suppose I must look elsewhere for assistance!
Ah, you over there, could you show me the way to civilization? Yes, you, my dear mademoiselle. A creature with your beauty must surely know her way around. Non non, I did not mean to imply anything about you or your mating habits! I simply meant that though you are large and terribly hairy, your lustrous hair has a beautiful, healthy shine. And your facial features are breath-taking, ma chérie! It is as if someone had discovered an ancient, pre-historic beauty queen in the ice and thawed them out! What is this? It seems my poetic compliments have done nothing to assuage your anger. Oh my, you seem to be quite enraged. That is bad, but oh! Look at the time!
I’m terribly sorry, but it seems I am running late to my first day as camp counselor. As you may know, this is a position that must be taken very seriously, mademoiselle gorilla. It is my duty to teach that group of zombies over there the fine art of keeping composure and the shape of well-tended hair while in combat! Oui, I am referring to you zombies right there. I am indeed aware you have no hair, but worry not, my pupils, for that can be easily remedied. First you must master the skill of fighting fiercely, as if your heart were going to explode from the emotion, while keeping your sculptured features clear of any unflattering expressions. Non non, not like that at all! Your jaw must stay hinged! There will be no exceptions! And when you perform a high kick, it must be with beauty and grace--There is nothing beautiful or graceful about a rotting leg falling to the ground, mon ami! The enemy will not suffer any loss of HP if your limbs simply detach themselves from your body on contact! And you of course must work on your strategic advances. They are terri--Where are you all going? You cannot simply wander off in the middle of a lesson! These are crucial life lessons, mes amis! Return to this clearing at once, zombies! Class has not been dismissed! Why aren’t you listening to moi?!
Poll Vote!
Character: Zhores Barsoukova
Series: Absolute Obedience/Zettai Fukujuu Meirei
Character Age: Early to mid-twenties
Job: Russian Overlord (Livejournal complaint recipient)
Canon: Absolute Obedience is a boy’s love game set in cold-war Germany, featuring one wealthy aristocrat and one typical shounen retard army grunt as the main characters. Both of these individuals possess a set of questionable morals and a side job of even more questionable legality. In truth, they run an agency that locates specific “targets” and then properly disciplines them in whatever ways the original client requested, usually with porny shenanigans.
Zhores, much to his dismay, ends up being one of these targets. A librarian by trade, he at first appears polite and distant to strangers and affectionate to whoever his partner is at the time. However, under his mask he's a cold, bitter, sarcastic little fella who even calls himself a “cocky bastard”, which suits him well considering his actual job involves spying for the Russian secret police. Underneath that layer is a chewy center of occasional woobie, but damned if anyone's going to see that without a fight.
Sample Post:
Dear Mrs. Sayre;
First of all, I'm thankful that my application has been accepted for the library assistant position, but I'm afraid there has been some tampering by your secretary. My papers were modified that so nearly every line has been replaced by things such as “librarian sorts you” and the insertion of inappropriate drawings in the margins depicting me mid-coitus with James Bond. In the event that your secretary accuses me of these “corrections”, I would like to bring up two points: the first is that I avoid using red crayon for my applications. The second is the evidence left on the paper itself, I do not possess purple-furred clothing or hair.
Also for reasons I don’t understand, my position has been changed to “Russian overlord”, something that according to my welcome packet means I’ll be fielding the various questions and complaints related to the “Livejournal” service. The main content of these messages you’ve printed out so far has been a demand for “a la carte icons tiem nao”, and “y dont u serv brains?” Considering this, I feel that these campers might need more time in the library after all.
This brings me to my last point. I have no information on the service you’re planning for me to use, namely the “Internet”, and I feel I need to ask for further clarification on why you would consider me a “natural” for the position. I'm afraid we have a difference of opinion on what my nationality means when it comes to my job qualifications. They give me no insight on some of the comments like “in before wank”, “page 2” and “first”. The last one is especially confusing since it occurs after fifty-six people have made suggestions.
Since I haven’t been able to locate you to discuss these problems, I’m sending a messenger with this letter in hope that he finds you before his legs fully disintegrate. I can say with confidence that I don’t have the skills required for this specific position, and despite your insistence otherwise, once again I’d like to state that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the Livejournal support staff.
Your librarian,
Zhores Barsoukova
Poll Vote!
Character name: Cliff Fittir
Series: Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Age: 36 (in Earth years)
Job: Diplomacy Instructor
Canon:
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time is set over 700 years in the future. Earth now sits at the head of the Pangalactic Federation, a governing body that rules over a large part of the known galaxy. Naturally, any large government body with this much power will not always exercise that power in orthodox ways, will it?
Rising up to oppose the hegemonic behavior of the Federation is the resistance organization Quark, an organization created by Cliff Fittir from the politically neutral planet Klaus III. After stepping down as leader, Cliff takes up a role in the organization as an active envoy. It is during this time that he undertakes a mission to locate an individual rumored to possess certain extraordinary abilities. Unfortunately, Cliff ends up finding himself in far more trouble than he’d originally bargained for…
Cliff at first comes off as being all brawn and nothing else. Don’t let that fool you. There is much more to Cliff than meets the eye. In general, he’s a pretty easy-going guy who can adapt to just about anything that gets thrown his way. Toss him in a serious situation, and he’s immediately on his toes. Never one to back down from just about any risk, he rarely hesitates to fall back on his instinct when facing a problematic situation. While some dislike this reckless side of him, others hold him in high regard for it. While not a necessarily a leader, he knows how to manipulate a situation go in his favor.
Sample Entry:
Man, nothing beats the outdoors. If you’ve seen the inside of one battle class space cruiser, you’ve seen ‘em all. Grey walls, grey floor - bet you can’t guess what color the bed sheets are, eh? Out here, though? Nothing but the trees, the damp grass, the mud, the pungent smell of… is that rotting meat? Oh right, the zombies. But hey, just another part of the experience!
So… let’s get down to business. This handsome guy standing before you is Cliff Fittir. I’m from a little corner of the galaxy known as the Klaus system. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Or not. Talk about your backwater planets… Anywho, the reason I’ve come to this wonderful settlement on the planet C.F.U.D. is simple: I’m here to teach you all about diplomacy! The gracious director that runs this place seems to think you’re all a bunch of mindless barbarians. Something about one of you guys killing her husband? I’m still not really clear on what that’s all about…
Anyway! Back to my point here: diplomacy! Sounds like the kinda thing that only boring old guys do in musty old rooms no one gives a crap about, right? Okay, so it’s mostly true. But there’s more to it than just that. Diplomacy isn’t just something conducted between two nations’ governments. It’s something you can find in your every day life. You can be diplomatic towards your neighbors, for starters. Someone stole your toothbrush? Your first thought might be, “Well gee, Cliff, I ought to bash the guy’s brains in so he never does it again!” right? Wrong! Sure, you feel justified in the moment, but what about the long term? Brain tissue is notoriously hard to clean off of wood floors. And do you know how hard the skull of your average humanoid is? Believe me, it’s not worth the effort.
The core of diplomacy lies in “discourse,” or discussion if you don’t feel like using fancy words. Talk things through with the guy who just stole your tooth brush. Maybe he thought it was his? Maybe in his culture sharing toothbrushes is a sign of consummate friendship? Who knows! The sky’s the limit with these things. You could learn all kinds of things you’d miss out on if you simply reached for the nearest heavy, blunt object!
Take your average zombie denizen, for instance. So they eat brains. Yeah, it’s kinda nasty and no one really likes having guys like that for neighbors. All that aside, though, have you ever thought about why they eat brains? You ever try asking them before you cut the poor guys into pieces or set them on fire or whatever it is you guys do around here? So they mumble a bit or even moan sometimes. I’m sure at least some of them can speak decent English! We gotta try, here! So there ya go, Cliff Fittir’s advice for living a more diplomatic life. Easy, right? You bet it is!
Poll Vote!
Character: Zanki
Series: Kamen Rider Hibiki
Character age: 32
Character job: Music Teacher/Rock Band Leader
Canon: Kamen Rider shows have a formula that they follow, involving young men with transforming belts who put on suits to fight mostly human-sized evil. Except Hibiki had to be the special one and go do its own thing. Hibiki’s heroes are literally Oni, often translated ogre, and their true forms really do look like that, lack of clothing included. Occasional nakedness aside the Oni do their best to protect people from the mostly giant demons, called Makamou, using “pure sound.” Which means, yes, they do play instruments at/on them until they explode.
Zanki goes into battle with an electric guitar but he’s not always quite as cool as he thinks he is. On the other hand he does pretty well for a guy his age. Zanki is pretty zen, knowing when to wait and when to act and he’s unflappable in the face of danger. Under his serious exterior he has a quiet sense of humor and cares a lot for the world, even if his tough love philosophy means punching some sense into people sometimes. He’s ready and willing to mentor people, if they can handle his brutal honesty and are prepared to work as hard as he does.
Sample app:
Finished yet? I'll wait. ... Now? Good. Listen up. I don’t know what this last teacher of yours was thinking but just forget whatever they were teaching. That’s not music; it’s wailing. Having things crawling in your skin or being numb isn’t an excuse. And no, calling it “emo rock” doesn’t excuse it either. If your guitars are actually weeping then stop abusing them like that. When your instrument is your livelihood you have to properly respect it. ...I didn’t mean it like that; another rude gesture and you will be removed from the class.
Firstly, don’t dip it in the lake to ‘wash’ it. That’s not the cure for anything; more like an acid-bath from the looks of it. For one, you don’t know what’s been in that water-I thought I saw something big under the surface earlier- and immersion is only good for some instruments under the right conditions. Guitars are not one of them and even if it was a brass instrument you’re still doing it wrong. Secondly, stop trying to paint colored buttons on the frets. Whoever this “guitar hero” person is they’ve obviously never seen a real guitar. The paint will make the strings stick and put your instrument right out of tune. Thirdly, stop watching those purple monsters playing with those toy guitars over there and pay attention to your teacher. I’ll see that they’re taken care of later so stop worrying over it. In this case you should do as I say and as I do. Do I look concerned?
Now, once you learn to respect your instrument you can start learning to play. It takes practice and dedication. You have to master your chords-no, not your vocal chords. Those look hopeless already- before you can start playing riffs that are worth listening to. Your teeth are not the proper way to finger the notes even if your hand is broken. Or even if your hand is broken off. Why would anyone think of that-I see. More monsters to be dealt with. And you in the back, don’t claim to have mastered Metallica if you can’t even name the opening chord of Mary Had a Little Lamb. You aren’t a rock band; you’re just pretending. You’re still thinking it’s a game of all things. But if you stick by my teaching and work hard I’ll show you how to become a real Leader of the Pack. Before you ask, it’s more likely to involve real music or motorcycles than howling at the moon. No respect for classic songs, any of you.
Poll Vote!
Info about the next apping round will be posted when ... one of us wakes up. Later. Yes.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Close enough, CLOSED.
Character name: Sasha Nein
Series: Psychonauts
Age: 30ish
Job: Psychic Trainer
Canon: The very basic plot of Psychonauts is that in a world where psychics are so common that they have their own government agency, one boy, Raz, wants to become a member so badly that he runs away from home and sneaks into a training camp for psychic kids to join up. Unfortunately, he only has one day to do it in before his dad comes for him, and since he hasn't been officially recruited the teachers aren't supposed to teach him anything.
Sasha is one of those teachers. He was born in Germany, but left home as a teenager after traumatizing himself by accidentally stumbling onto memories of his parents having sex while trying to find out about his dead mother by reading his father's mind. It turned out well for him, as he's now a super-star Psychonaut who's so wrapped up in his own studies of the human mind that he has no idea he's become a famous hero. These days he spends much of his free time in his underground lab, occasionally inviting especially talented children down for special training.
At first glance Sasha seems to be your standard 'stoic scientist who values his research more than human lives' type, albeit one with a few weird quirks (most notably an intense hatred of Tiffany lamps), but it quickly becomes obvious that he's not as cold as he seems. Although rumors float around the camp that kids who go to his special training don't make it back, he is actually quick to purposely scare kids off if it looks like his experiments might become dangerous to them by offering to train them to fight. This tactic usually works so well that he's surprised when it fails on Raz, and needs to admit that he's not actually allowed to do so unless he can get a learner's permit. He tends to sidle around rules with the age old "I'm not allowed to ask you to do this, but here are some glaring hints how to do this thing that I'm not asking you to do" strategy. His teaching style is very hands-off, but he's quick to offer praise whenever its deserved. He even cracks the occasional joke, though they're so deadpan that they're easy to miss, and his partner has memories that indicate he's perfectly comfortable with looking completely goofy, even flashing a peace sign towards the 'camera' while dressed up in a flamboyant costume.
Sample Entry:
Interesting. I don't believe that I've seen a creature quite like these toucans before. Although our files contain very little information on this area, what research I was able to do before arriving here indicated that there was nothing nearby which might cause psychic mutations in animals. Is this a sign of a previously unknown mutagen, or have they migrated from elsewhere? If no one is too attached to these creatures, I'd like to capture one or two samples to run a few tests.
But first, I must speak to whichever of you called for Psychonaut assistance with this issue. While I realize that some might find having a bird read their mind unsettling, it is not what we would call a 'psychic emergency'. That designation is reserved for situations which might cause someone actual permanent harm, not simple annoyance. If your gorillas begin telekinetically flinging barrels at campers, for instance, or squirrels start exploding into fireballs. As a rule of thumb, you should only contact us if you don't mind your tax dollars funding whatever mission you're calling us to; we are a government agency, after all.
However, as I'm already here anyway, I can offer a little assistance if any of you children are truly bothered by these creatures. There is a trick to dealing with mind readers that even those entirely devoid of psychic power can accomplish. Simply picture in your mind the most horrible thing you can possibly imagine, and hold that image in the forefront of your thoughts. I would recommend a gaudy stained-glass monstrosity, but whatever you can picture most clearly is best. After a moment, voila, your mental intruder will leave in disgust and you may return to your usual hormonal teenaged mindset without further embarrassment.
When I arrived I was asked if I could stay and teach you all more than just that one trick, however any further lessons would be of no help to anyone without psychic powers of their own. It is extraordinarily unlikely that any of you will suddenly manifest powers in the future if you haven't already, and science has yet to reach a point where it can produce them in a previously average mind... although, if any of you wish to help further the ongoing progress in that field, you are welcome to leave me your names. However, if there are any untrained psychics in your midst, I'm not expected back for a few days and can spare the time to teach you a modicum of control. A little knowledge may be a dangerous thing, but no knowledge at all can lead to sudden explosive decranialization after all.
Ah. I see that the gorillas are perfectly capable of flinging barrels even without the help of telekinesis. It seems that they don't realize that head smashing is quite different from head explosion. Don't worry, children, I'll see that they learn their lesson.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kenzaki Kazuma
Series: Kamen Rider Blade
Age: 22
Job: Wildlife Interrelations Counselor
Canon: Ten thousand years ago, there was a fight, the Battle Fight, to determine the dominant species on Earth. Now that battle is starting again. But this time, humanity has fighters on its side, Kamen Riders, to make sure that humanity stays dominant, thanks to the organization known as BOARD. The main hero of the group is Kenzaki Kazuma, Kamen Rider Blade.
Kenzaki didn't really have any close friends in his life until he ended up at Shirai Kotarou's house. An orphan, he thought his job with BOARD was in it for the pay... until he realized that he wanted to save people more than that. By his own choice, he sacrifices nearly everything for one person, without regrets, becoming not human in the process. And he'd do the same for anybody he'd consider 'friend'. Which seems to be most everybody, actually. Kenzaki is willing to see the best in people, even if the people aren't human. Plagued by the guilt of not being able to save his parents, he instead turns his attentions towards the rest of the world. And as for camp... if he can't save the world here, at least he can try to make things better. After all, he convinced a monster to be human; how hard can getting the people of Camp Fuck You Die to cooperate be?
Sample Post:
Hi there! I know the sign-up sheet said "motorcycle repair class", but it's because I thought that people would get along better if they had a common goal. And see? We have humans, nonhumans, zombies, gorillas, and even the toucans working, all beside one another. If you look over there, you can tell we've even got Marcy participating too. See, she's saying hello! No, that's not an attempt to kidnap and carry off one of the other campers; she knows I won't allow that. I know it doesn't look like it, but I've got experience fighting monsters with tentacles. She's just a little... bigger than what I used to tackle.
Which is why I called you over here. Yes, I'm aware that you think the gorilla attacked you first; but I'm sure he didn't mean to either. He's not human; he doesn't think the same way you or I do. And I was perfectly capable of stopping him, honest. Oh, the swollen eyelid? It'll heal. Yes, I'm aware I bruise green, but that's okay. I'm not human, they're not human, you're human, we all have to get along. It's all part of my job. You see that sign I put up on the door? The "Wildlife Relations Counselor" one. It's because the Director gave me this job and I'm determined to do well at it! Even if I have to work at it a little. I've never been a counselor before, and so it was very nice for the Director to offer it to me out of the blue.
Hold on, I have to get that toucan to stop trying to throw wrenches at the other students. Sometimes they get enthusiastic about the repair jobs; I don't think anybody's ever included them in a shop class before. Though one of them threw a wrench through a zombie the other day and it took me hours to sew it back up. But I didn't hold that against the toucan. After all, it's my job to understand how to make people work together better. Even if they're toucans. And zombies. Or lake monsters. Speaking of which...
See how Marcy is doing some of that heavy lifting? She wants to participate in the class too. Or at least I think she does. In any case, you see how well she's doing? She's got that hood lifted up so that the zombies can work on it. As soon as I get the toucans to hand them the tools instead of throwing them, everything will move smoother. You should go over there and work with them; they don't bite, I promise. And if they do, we can always take you to the hospital. It's okay.
Watch out! That was close. I'm sorry Marcy just threw the engine at you! I'll go talk to her about that. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, though! She gets enthusiastic. And I think she wants you to work with her.
....Maybe tossing the entire motorcycle at you was a little extreme, though. But she wants to work with you, really. She just doesn't quite understand that tossing things at people doesn't work too well. Yes, I can believe she was tossing rowboats at you last week. But here you'll work together. I know you can! And if not, I can do something about it. I am a hero, after all. I was hired to do it. Just like I was hired to work here. And if that means making people understand that they can't toss engine parts, body parts, or entire vehicles at each other, then that's what I'm going to do.
Now, excuse me, I have a lake monster to talk to!
Poll Vote!
Character name: The Dark Adonis Vyers/Mid-Boss
Series: Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Age: Unknown; looks around 20-30
Job: Instructor of Retaining Composure and Amazing hair While Battling Fiercely and Fabulously
Canon: The world of Disgaea is frightening to those who are faint of heart, prudes, afraid of fourth-wall breakage, or just plain hate leveling up. After losing the Netherworld royal throne due to napping for two years, Prince Laharl and his minions scamper around beating down any and every contender. One of the leading competitors for the throne is Vyers, self-proclaimed “The Dark Adonis.” As Vyers challenges him, however, Laharl decides Vyers doesn’t deserve an impressive title and, much to Vyers’ dismay, dubs him “Mid-Boss,” which he is referred to as for the rest of the game.
Vyers is the token comic relief in Disgaea, showing up multiple times to challenge Laharl, each time losing before making a spectacular show of disappearing with a pathetic excuse. Though he is constantly defeated by the godmode that is Laharl, he is nowhere near weak, justifying his pompous and conceited attitude. Speaking in a flamboyant tone, his speech is cultured and, though he is from Hell, sprinkled with French. Although he attempts to keep up a façade of refined yet grandiose royalty, he is quick to lose his composure when his failure is witnessed as he attempts to protect this image. Vyers is a sorry excuse for the refined, godlike hero women swoon over, though he persists to keep that image up even as he is treated as a laughingstock.
Sample Entry:
Oh my! It seems someone has been so kind as to send a greeting crew for my arrival! Non non, my dear friends, I am flattered, but you needn’t come all this way to greet me when you are injured so. Oh? Of course you are zombies. Might I have employed you over there on the left at some point? Hmm, it seems I am mistaken. It is a bit hard to tell the difference between zombies -- you all seem to have the same complexion. And you all seem to speak in the same dialect, though I suppose that must be a cultural characteristic. And -- what did you say?! I am in no way classist, mon ami! Why, nearly a quarter of my party is of the zombie class! And they are all equipped with the best items money can buy! They even have health and dental benefits! Have you any idea how much medical coverage costs for zombies? C’est terrible! Well, fine, if you all refuse to help me, I suppose I must look elsewhere for assistance!
Ah, you over there, could you show me the way to civilization? Yes, you, my dear mademoiselle. A creature with your beauty must surely know her way around. Non non, I did not mean to imply anything about you or your mating habits! I simply meant that though you are large and terribly hairy, your lustrous hair has a beautiful, healthy shine. And your facial features are breath-taking, ma chérie! It is as if someone had discovered an ancient, pre-historic beauty queen in the ice and thawed them out! What is this? It seems my poetic compliments have done nothing to assuage your anger. Oh my, you seem to be quite enraged. That is bad, but oh! Look at the time!
I’m terribly sorry, but it seems I am running late to my first day as camp counselor. As you may know, this is a position that must be taken very seriously, mademoiselle gorilla. It is my duty to teach that group of zombies over there the fine art of keeping composure and the shape of well-tended hair while in combat! Oui, I am referring to you zombies right there. I am indeed aware you have no hair, but worry not, my pupils, for that can be easily remedied. First you must master the skill of fighting fiercely, as if your heart were going to explode from the emotion, while keeping your sculptured features clear of any unflattering expressions. Non non, not like that at all! Your jaw must stay hinged! There will be no exceptions! And when you perform a high kick, it must be with beauty and grace--There is nothing beautiful or graceful about a rotting leg falling to the ground, mon ami! The enemy will not suffer any loss of HP if your limbs simply detach themselves from your body on contact! And you of course must work on your strategic advances. They are terri--Where are you all going? You cannot simply wander off in the middle of a lesson! These are crucial life lessons, mes amis! Return to this clearing at once, zombies! Class has not been dismissed! Why aren’t you listening to moi?!
Poll Vote!
Character: Zhores Barsoukova
Series: Absolute Obedience/Zettai Fukujuu Meirei
Character Age: Early to mid-twenties
Job: Russian Overlord (Livejournal complaint recipient)
Canon: Absolute Obedience is a boy’s love game set in cold-war Germany, featuring one wealthy aristocrat and one typical shounen retard army grunt as the main characters. Both of these individuals possess a set of questionable morals and a side job of even more questionable legality. In truth, they run an agency that locates specific “targets” and then properly disciplines them in whatever ways the original client requested, usually with porny shenanigans.
Zhores, much to his dismay, ends up being one of these targets. A librarian by trade, he at first appears polite and distant to strangers and affectionate to whoever his partner is at the time. However, under his mask he's a cold, bitter, sarcastic little fella who even calls himself a “cocky bastard”, which suits him well considering his actual job involves spying for the Russian secret police. Underneath that layer is a chewy center of occasional woobie, but damned if anyone's going to see that without a fight.
Sample Post:
Dear Mrs. Sayre;
First of all, I'm thankful that my application has been accepted for the library assistant position, but I'm afraid there has been some tampering by your secretary. My papers were modified that so nearly every line has been replaced by things such as “librarian sorts you” and the insertion of inappropriate drawings in the margins depicting me mid-coitus with James Bond. In the event that your secretary accuses me of these “corrections”, I would like to bring up two points: the first is that I avoid using red crayon for my applications. The second is the evidence left on the paper itself, I do not possess purple-furred clothing or hair.
Also for reasons I don’t understand, my position has been changed to “Russian overlord”, something that according to my welcome packet means I’ll be fielding the various questions and complaints related to the “Livejournal” service. The main content of these messages you’ve printed out so far has been a demand for “a la carte icons tiem nao”, and “y dont u serv brains?” Considering this, I feel that these campers might need more time in the library after all.
This brings me to my last point. I have no information on the service you’re planning for me to use, namely the “Internet”, and I feel I need to ask for further clarification on why you would consider me a “natural” for the position. I'm afraid we have a difference of opinion on what my nationality means when it comes to my job qualifications. They give me no insight on some of the comments like “in before wank”, “page 2” and “first”. The last one is especially confusing since it occurs after fifty-six people have made suggestions.
Since I haven’t been able to locate you to discuss these problems, I’m sending a messenger with this letter in hope that he finds you before his legs fully disintegrate. I can say with confidence that I don’t have the skills required for this specific position, and despite your insistence otherwise, once again I’d like to state that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the Livejournal support staff.
Your librarian,
Zhores Barsoukova
Poll Vote!
Character name: Cliff Fittir
Series: Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Age: 36 (in Earth years)
Job: Diplomacy Instructor
Canon:
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time is set over 700 years in the future. Earth now sits at the head of the Pangalactic Federation, a governing body that rules over a large part of the known galaxy. Naturally, any large government body with this much power will not always exercise that power in orthodox ways, will it?
Rising up to oppose the hegemonic behavior of the Federation is the resistance organization Quark, an organization created by Cliff Fittir from the politically neutral planet Klaus III. After stepping down as leader, Cliff takes up a role in the organization as an active envoy. It is during this time that he undertakes a mission to locate an individual rumored to possess certain extraordinary abilities. Unfortunately, Cliff ends up finding himself in far more trouble than he’d originally bargained for…
Cliff at first comes off as being all brawn and nothing else. Don’t let that fool you. There is much more to Cliff than meets the eye. In general, he’s a pretty easy-going guy who can adapt to just about anything that gets thrown his way. Toss him in a serious situation, and he’s immediately on his toes. Never one to back down from just about any risk, he rarely hesitates to fall back on his instinct when facing a problematic situation. While some dislike this reckless side of him, others hold him in high regard for it. While not a necessarily a leader, he knows how to manipulate a situation go in his favor.
Sample Entry:
Man, nothing beats the outdoors. If you’ve seen the inside of one battle class space cruiser, you’ve seen ‘em all. Grey walls, grey floor - bet you can’t guess what color the bed sheets are, eh? Out here, though? Nothing but the trees, the damp grass, the mud, the pungent smell of… is that rotting meat? Oh right, the zombies. But hey, just another part of the experience!
So… let’s get down to business. This handsome guy standing before you is Cliff Fittir. I’m from a little corner of the galaxy known as the Klaus system. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Or not. Talk about your backwater planets… Anywho, the reason I’ve come to this wonderful settlement on the planet C.F.U.D. is simple: I’m here to teach you all about diplomacy! The gracious director that runs this place seems to think you’re all a bunch of mindless barbarians. Something about one of you guys killing her husband? I’m still not really clear on what that’s all about…
Anyway! Back to my point here: diplomacy! Sounds like the kinda thing that only boring old guys do in musty old rooms no one gives a crap about, right? Okay, so it’s mostly true. But there’s more to it than just that. Diplomacy isn’t just something conducted between two nations’ governments. It’s something you can find in your every day life. You can be diplomatic towards your neighbors, for starters. Someone stole your toothbrush? Your first thought might be, “Well gee, Cliff, I ought to bash the guy’s brains in so he never does it again!” right? Wrong! Sure, you feel justified in the moment, but what about the long term? Brain tissue is notoriously hard to clean off of wood floors. And do you know how hard the skull of your average humanoid is? Believe me, it’s not worth the effort.
The core of diplomacy lies in “discourse,” or discussion if you don’t feel like using fancy words. Talk things through with the guy who just stole your tooth brush. Maybe he thought it was his? Maybe in his culture sharing toothbrushes is a sign of consummate friendship? Who knows! The sky’s the limit with these things. You could learn all kinds of things you’d miss out on if you simply reached for the nearest heavy, blunt object!
Take your average zombie denizen, for instance. So they eat brains. Yeah, it’s kinda nasty and no one really likes having guys like that for neighbors. All that aside, though, have you ever thought about why they eat brains? You ever try asking them before you cut the poor guys into pieces or set them on fire or whatever it is you guys do around here? So they mumble a bit or even moan sometimes. I’m sure at least some of them can speak decent English! We gotta try, here! So there ya go, Cliff Fittir’s advice for living a more diplomatic life. Easy, right? You bet it is!
Poll Vote!
Character: Zanki
Series: Kamen Rider Hibiki
Character age: 32
Character job: Music Teacher/Rock Band Leader
Canon: Kamen Rider shows have a formula that they follow, involving young men with transforming belts who put on suits to fight mostly human-sized evil. Except Hibiki had to be the special one and go do its own thing. Hibiki’s heroes are literally Oni, often translated ogre, and their true forms really do look like that, lack of clothing included. Occasional nakedness aside the Oni do their best to protect people from the mostly giant demons, called Makamou, using “pure sound.” Which means, yes, they do play instruments at/on them until they explode.
Zanki goes into battle with an electric guitar but he’s not always quite as cool as he thinks he is. On the other hand he does pretty well for a guy his age. Zanki is pretty zen, knowing when to wait and when to act and he’s unflappable in the face of danger. Under his serious exterior he has a quiet sense of humor and cares a lot for the world, even if his tough love philosophy means punching some sense into people sometimes. He’s ready and willing to mentor people, if they can handle his brutal honesty and are prepared to work as hard as he does.
Sample app:
Finished yet? I'll wait. ... Now? Good. Listen up. I don’t know what this last teacher of yours was thinking but just forget whatever they were teaching. That’s not music; it’s wailing. Having things crawling in your skin or being numb isn’t an excuse. And no, calling it “emo rock” doesn’t excuse it either. If your guitars are actually weeping then stop abusing them like that. When your instrument is your livelihood you have to properly respect it. ...I didn’t mean it like that; another rude gesture and you will be removed from the class.
Firstly, don’t dip it in the lake to ‘wash’ it. That’s not the cure for anything; more like an acid-bath from the looks of it. For one, you don’t know what’s been in that water-I thought I saw something big under the surface earlier- and immersion is only good for some instruments under the right conditions. Guitars are not one of them and even if it was a brass instrument you’re still doing it wrong. Secondly, stop trying to paint colored buttons on the frets. Whoever this “guitar hero” person is they’ve obviously never seen a real guitar. The paint will make the strings stick and put your instrument right out of tune. Thirdly, stop watching those purple monsters playing with those toy guitars over there and pay attention to your teacher. I’ll see that they’re taken care of later so stop worrying over it. In this case you should do as I say and as I do. Do I look concerned?
Now, once you learn to respect your instrument you can start learning to play. It takes practice and dedication. You have to master your chords-no, not your vocal chords. Those look hopeless already- before you can start playing riffs that are worth listening to. Your teeth are not the proper way to finger the notes even if your hand is broken. Or even if your hand is broken off. Why would anyone think of that-I see. More monsters to be dealt with. And you in the back, don’t claim to have mastered Metallica if you can’t even name the opening chord of Mary Had a Little Lamb. You aren’t a rock band; you’re just pretending. You’re still thinking it’s a game of all things. But if you stick by my teaching and work hard I’ll show you how to become a real Leader of the Pack. Before you ask, it’s more likely to involve real music or motorcycles than howling at the moon. No respect for classic songs, any of you.
Poll Vote!