(no subject)
FIRST ROUND hooooo. For those who've never done the counselor rounds before - the sooner people vote, the sooner we can put up the next batch. We did roughly 40-something apps in one night last November. :Dd Vote on!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE.
Character: The Devil
Series: Bedazzled
Age: Depends on your translation. ♥
Job: Camp Appreciation Counselor
Canon: "I would give anything. . ." When a socially-inept nerd, Elliot Richards, utters these words, he catches the attention of the one person looking to cut a deal-The Devil. In exchange for his immortal soul, the Devil offers him seven wishes. Each finding a way to go horribly awry once he signs on the dotted line. In the end, Elliot comes to realize the true price of his deal and learns about himself as well as the world around him.
As the princess of darkness, the Devil enjoys mischief, mayhem, and any amount of torment inflicted upon the masses. From issuing parking tickets to corrupting the youth to, of course, damning people to the fiery pits of Hell, she has the power to tempt any and all. . . And makes excellent use of it. Able to fake a few tears when she needs to, the Devil gets the job done, enjoying it all the while. Truly, she knows how to turn on the charm and does so often-Not that having god-like powers, including altering reality, reading minds, instant costume changes that show off her very flattering figure, and much, much more doesn't help. The Devil isn't without a temper and sharp wit, driving her points home and hard. After all, the seven sins didn't invent themselves.
Sample Entry:
Right then, I may have an eternity of damnation to get back to, but time is torment. So, let's get right down to business, shall we? You are trapped in a possibly endless summer camp located in a swamp that is infested with zombies, amorous wildlife, and fellow campers that are just as likely to be your friends as they are to kill you. Some of them are even going to be delightfully creative about it. And don't get me started on Sayre; she hasn't dipped into anything worth even the first circle. Don't worry, the Director and I are going to have a nice, long chat after this. But, really, I fail to see how this place is managing to be Hell on Earth for some of you! Between you and me, that would be Madagascar in about three minutes when Duck Cold lands. They just couldn't close their ports fast enough, the poor things.
Now, darlings, I'm not saying that you don't have it a bit rough here, but it is what you make of it. Look at it this way, I'm seeing quite a few of you who are missing out on some quality time with me. -I'm not hurt, really! You have a bit more time to enjoy life and really make some thing of it. You're doomed, anyway, aren't you? Go down with a story they'll be talking about all the way to the underworld, I say! Ohh, don't think I'm playing favorites now. I'm equal opportunity for those with a pulse five feet inside or outside the barrier. For instance, there are the viruses which are a delightful way to expand your world horizons! The same goes for that infamous soup of yours. Really, hasn't your mother ever taught you to try something before you decide that you don't like it? And all that sugar is just horrible for you. Better off without it! Home-cooked meals, a roof over your head, and all the wireless internet you could ask for! Bill Gates would be suing if he had any idea. . . But, well, he does owe me a favor or two, just in case.
As for that no-sex rule, it really is a bother, isn't it? I wouldn't want to ruin what Sayre has going here, but. . . Well, let's talk after class and see if we can't find some kind of trade, hmm? Besides, with the way some of you are around mistletoe, I'm not sure you could handle it, otherwise! This place would have exploded with the unresolved tension between some of you if it weren't for that little weed. Try to remember that when you're lip-locked with someone who is giving you a real spit shine. And the same goes for Naked Day! I mean, you're going three hundred and sixty-four days free of any mandatory embarrassing nudity. Which really is a shame, you know. I don't know if you're noticed, boys and girls, but there aren't any locks on any of these doors. -Well, not now, anyway. Just a helpful hint if you want to make that holiday a little more monthly~? It's not like anyone would be surprised by all of their wardrobe sprouting legs and dashing off for a rendezvous with Marcy, after all.
Well, I won't keep you any longer from your new haven in the swamps! Remember, you can pop by anytime. My door's always open, except for whoever decides to make clever changes to that tune about my going down to Georgia. It really does pain me to punish someone for deceit.
Poll Vote!
Character: Benten
Series: Zone-00
Character Age: over 600, but appears to be about 20-something
Job: Owner of Bar Benten (CFUD branch)
Canon: The battle between humans and mononoke (...non-humans) was long and bitter, until a truce was agreed upon five hundred years ago. Now is a time of peace, a time in which mononoke live amongst humans that no longer believe they exist. However, Tokyo has recently been getting stranger and stranger, with violent attacks by mononoke that prowl the streets. These are not the intelligent mononoke that once ruled, but are "fakes", mindless monsters created by a drug that is spreading rapidly through the city: Zone-00.
The Sky King of the legendary Four Generals during the time of mononoke rule, Benten is a yatagarasu. Like most "real" mononoke, though, Benten spends most of his time in a humanoid form. Currently the owner of Bar Benten, he's a walking example of how one shouldn't be judged by their appearance. With his stiletto heels, long hair, and slender body, Benten looks every inch a lovely, genteel lady--an illusion that is quickly shattered by his ability to out-swear a sailor, nasty temper, and fondness for (usually comedic) violence when angered. He's proud, vain, and powerful, a combination that gains him the fear and respect of nearly all those who know him.
NOTE: for those who are unaware, Zombie, Sex on the Beach, and Adios, Motherfucker are all names of common cocktails.
Sample Post:
Stop me if you've heard this one: a guy walks into a bar. "Ow."
Funny, right? That's how the joke goes, anyway, and how things normally go. See, normally, I don't get guys walking into my bar and losing their heads so...literally. Pull yourself together, man, I don't like guts spilled over my floor. My admittedly worthless staff isn't around right now, which means there's no one to pick up after you. If you want to stick around, I'd suggest making sure all your body parts are fully secured before you take another step in. That goes for all of you, incidentally.
So...you're here for a job interview, yeah? I know I've got a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window, but you can't be serious. For fuck's sake, half of you are missing arms. How the hell are you supposed to mix drinks and serve customers like that? Worthless is one thing, totally fucking useless is another. Look, smartasses, Bar Benten is Bar Benten and as I'm the only one around here named Benten, it's my bar. You trash aren't even worth getting strung up as decorations. That I'm even letting you come in is a sign of this Benten-sama's great generosity, so place some orders and get the fuck out. I'll let you hang around as customers, but for the record, I expect extra compensation for having to serve you rotten people-- pun totally intended.
You've got about five seconds to decide on your drink before I decide for you, and believe me, I'm going to milk you for every cent you're worth. Time's up! Lessee... A Zombie, maybe? Oh wait, that's redundant. Something else then...Necrophilia on the Beach ♥~? Ha ha ha, I crack myself up. And before any of you do anything, that wasn't an invitation. I don't condone that sort of thing in here, got it? Anything you wanna do, get a rooooo... Actually, on second thought, I don't want to know about it. At all. Ever. Ever.
Listen up, you little shits. There are few things that I will put my foot down about, and zombie PDA is one of them. Zombie bartenders is the other, actually. I'll live with zombie customers, so long as you pay up, and if you want to karaoke to some song you can't even pronounce the words to, go for it. But if you start touching each other where I can see it, your balls are gonna get a very close look at these heels of mine. Got it? Hey, hey! What the fuck did I just say? Call it discrimination if you like, but the only nuts I'm letting you zombies eat around here are peanuts. You break my rules, I break you. Here, I just came up with the perfect drink for you lot:
Adios, Motherfucker.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Percival Fraulein
Series: Suikoden III
Age: 26
Job: Personal Success Counselor
Canon: Suikoden 3 takes place in a world rife with conflict, may it be over territory, cultural differences, or power. While the animosity between the six clans of the Grasslands and the Zexen Federation may appear to be the problem at the start, the real issue lies with one man's plan to unleash chaos unto the land. A masked bishop is collecting the five elemental True Runes, the gods of this world, and plans to abuse them for his own purposes. Former enemies become allies under the flag of the Flame Champion, a long-gone hero of the Grasslands, and his Fire Bringer supporters, and a race to stop the masked man's apocalyptic wish starts.
Joining the fight as a member of the Fire Bringer, Percival is one of Zexen's best knights. A commoner by birth, he had to work his way to his current position in a classic rags-to-riches manner. While he can come across as rather reserved about his work, Percival also enjoys teasing those around him and knows how to relax when he has time to do so, may it be drinking with his fellow knights or spending time with his many female fans. Whether at work or play, though, he tends to keep his gentlemanly demeanor and only slips into a less courteous tone of voice when dealing with things he deems below him, such as being cast as a sheep in a play. Even then, he'll at least try to put up a good face, if only to maintain the honor of the Knights.
Sample Entry:
Can a giant squid achieve more than she expected out of life? Most certainly.
Marcy, you may think that because you are confined within this eerily colored lake that your options are limited, but you musn't resign yourself to such defeat. This may be the first time I have advised a... squid, but I assure you that all beings can achieve success if guided properly. I have seen both ducks and lizards lead bravely, so do not belittle yourself. It is all a matter of will.
I myself went from being a farmer boy to part of the Zexen elite. While I take no issue to farming and raising animals, I opted to pursue knighthood, achieving it through my own efforts. Your path and my own differ greatly, but allow me to explain the parallels. You see, we both lived many years of our lives in small areas. In my hometown, I knew everyone by name, and you probably know all of your fellow lake residents as well. Or perhaps you... ate them all...? Whatever the case, our homes limit our range of experiences, and it is impossible to succeed without becoming more worldly. As such, I suggest taking that first step toward success and leaving this lake.
What of the lack of water? That is not a valid excuse! I have seen you rise up and out of this lake to attack campers along these shores, so I will not hear of any "I cannot operate out of the water" complaints. On that note, I do not suggest snacking upon people. No one will appreciate you for that, and it will only hinder your progress. Unless you wish to pursue the career of Professional Monster? While your size lets you fill the role easily, your residence is far too small to make a real impact. The open waters are where a true sea monster should be, not in a lake located at a children's camp. You must have damsels in distress in your grips and knights in shining armor as your opponents, not children. Ah, ah--That was not an invitation for you to attack me. I stand here as your counselor, not your foe. Even if I am clad in armor.
As I was saying, I suggest you move to the open waters as soon as possible. You will never make a name for yourself at such an unknown location. Your chance will likely come with the next flood waters, and I fully expect to see you gone from this horrid lake when that happens. I will see nothing but success from you, Marcy.
Now, simply follow those instructions, and you'll soon find yourself ruling the high seas. You will have would-be heroes come after you! When they do, be sure to slay all but one of his party. This way, the lone survivor can return and tell stories of your greatness. Tales of terrifying beasts will spread quickly, and you, Marcy, will become known as the most treacherous of all sea creatures. Your name will go down in history!
Poll Vote!
Character: Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden
Series: The Dresden Files
Job: Paranormal Investigator
Character Age: late 20s (27-28~)
Canon: In modern day Chicago you might not expect to find a genuine Wizard, a man with old world magic and rough handed chivalry. But that's just who you'd find, upon searching for Wizards in the yellow pages. His name is Harry Dresden, and he's the real deal. With talismans, potions, a wizard's staff and blasting rod, and the assistance of an ancient magical spirit named Bob who lives in a skull, Harry fights the monsters of the Nevernever, the attacks of malicious spirits, and the worst evils of all -- humans who misuse magic for their own purposes.
Quick-witted and honorable, sarcastic and gruff, and often brooding or grumpy, Harry is your average social recluse. But he rarely turns down a case when people are in danger or need... or when he's broke. Still, when you know the truth about the things that go bump in the night, it's hard not to feel a need to protect the poor schmucks that don't have a clue. Unfortunately for Harry, wanting to help people doesn't really improve his people skills -- Harry is an utter failure at relationships. Sort of like with his magic (Harry lacks fine control and is something of a wizardly thug, using brute force in most instances), he is blunt and artless in dealing with people, often saying juuuuuust the right thing that will piss them off without meaning to. Somehow, despite offending the higher up wizards dozens of times over, he manages to maintain a long list of contacts in the magical/supernatural world -- likely an acknowledgment of his abilities as a Wizard.
Harry lives very simply, due to both an unfortunate tendency to destroy modern technology and a lack of money. It's the latter that spurs him to consult with the Chicago police department on 'unusual' cases, sharing (to an extent that won't get his ass handed to him by the senior wizards) his knowledge of the supernatural to solve crimes. He gets beat up on a regular basis, rushes headlong into situations he isn't quite equipped to handle ...and sometimes he makes love potions out of tequila. But you can blame that one on Bob.
Sample App:
HARRY DRESDEN - WIZARD
Lost items found. Paranormal Investigations.
Consulting. Advice. Reasonable Rates.
No Love Potions, Endless Purses, Parties,
or Other Entertainment
There we go -- just like home! I know what you're thinking. Rabbits out of hats, sawing people in half, card tricks -- that's a Magician, kids, and Miss Sayre hired me to set you straight. Wizards are the real thing. Incantations, potions, spell work, and fighting demons named Monty. And, yeah, I know what you're thinking now, too: What self respecting demon would go by "Monty"? Is this guy for real? Let's keep it simple and go with "Yes." And before you go for the obvious joke, I've seen the full Monty... it's not a pretty sight.
Normally, I wouldn't reveal this much, but seeing as the toucans are doing the macarena and there are purple gorillas trying to use me as a sex toy, I think the ship has kinda sailed, you know? The barn door's open, the cows are out, and the bag is really devoid of cats. So, I'm hoping there's someone out there who can clue me in as to what kind of wacky mojo is being... Uh, mojo'd. Alright, so I lost the roll, but I was on it for a minute there.
Anyway, I'm a private investigator of the paranormal sort... and I figure being here, you all need a crash course in dealing with the supernatural. So, the ABCs of the paranormal. Most importantly: People might think you're crazy, but just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face. It's a lesson well learned, really. Always be on your guard, no matter how safe you think you are or how little clothing you have on. Like this one time, a toad demon caught me in the shower and chased me outside, without even my blasting rod. Normally, I'd say, "Whip out your staff, man! WHIP IT OUT!" but when you're buck naked with shampoo in your eyes, it's really all you can do to tuck it in and flee. Which is another important point: There's nothing honorable about dying unless you're protecting someone, so know when to run away.
Next: After looking around a little, I'm worried that you're getting worked up over the wrong things. Marcy? Yeah, she's big, but compared to a horny succubus, she's a kitten. Besides, she's trapped in the lake... if she's ever able to slither through an air vent and hoover your crotch while you're sleeping? Then we'll talk. But the Tuesday soup? Now that's something to be afraid of. It's a potion, and from what I can tell a dangerous one. I'm not one to ever turn down a free meal, but I've got an idea of what human flesh and brussels sprouts can do to a person. Dark magic won't just wear off in a few hours, like indigestion after bad takeout. Plus, it makes you gassy.
I think I've covered the basics now. Time to go evade the wildlife and figure out exactly what kind of containment spell this "barrier" is. You might want to stand back, just in case. This probably won't blow anything up or set anything on fire. Probably. Uh. One, two... aperio!
Damn it, I was kidding! That one never explodes on me. Owww, my---tail?! Well that's an interesting transmogrification.
Is there a veterinarian in the house?
Poll Vote!
Character name: Logan/"Wolverine"/James Howlett
Series: Marvel Universe (Earth-616)
Age: About 120, give or take a decade.
Job: Letter Opener Postal Worker
Canon: The story is a classic: a small, sickly boy from Canada found himself in possession of a set of claws and extraordinary regenerative capability. Because his "healing factor" made old age and disease non-issues, the boy grew into a gigantic man and stayed that way for decades on end. A lot of bad stuff happened, including a period of self-imposed exile to the Canadian wilderness and the deaths of a small handful of girlfriends. After World War II, he ended up in the custody of the Weapon X program, where his skeleton was coated with adamantium. Also, Weapon X supplemented his scant real memories with fake ones. So the above is all pretty subjective. The important thing is, a derailed Weapon X mission landed Logan in the company of the X-Men, famed defenders of mutant rights. And except for the times when he's in a mood and strikes out on his own (or in more questionable company), he's pretty much there to stay.
Logan, codenamed "Wolverine," is a gruff and broody component of the Marvel universe. His strong personal ethics and his no-bullshit attitude have earned him loyal friends in high places; his need for independence is expressed in his constant team-shifting, which has earned him enemies in scores. He's a man in need of a mission-and since he can't quite ignore his violent tendencies, it's a good thing he's the X-Men's go-to guy when they need something beaten up or cut to ribbons. Not only is he able, but he's more or less perpetually willing. Underneath his beer-drinking, cigar-smoking, rough-and-tumble exterior lies the grace and honor of a warrior poet-and underneath that is a guy who really loves beating the shit out of things. Love him or hate him, most people in Earth-616 seem to agree: Logan's the best there is at what he does, and what he does . . . well, you've probably heard it before.
Sample Entry:
I gotta hand it to the headcase behind this setup: it takes guts to corral a buncha dumb kids in a shitty backwater swamp and force 'em to call it home for God-knows-how-long. Takes brains to build a cage that can contain a guy like me for longer than I want it to. And you've gotta have some cold cash in spades lyin' around to keep this kinda facility discreet for-what, a couple years now? Yeah, yeah, color me impressed. But what really gets to me-what I really gotta stop and just, y'know, absorb for a second-is the size of this director broad's stones. They've gotta be the size of national monuments if she expects me to stick around and play FedEx with her and her pet chumps.
See, I'm a whole lotta things. Nice guy. Mean guy. Guy you don't wanna be left alone in a room with. But right now, first and foremost-I'm an X-Man, and if you know what that means you know I got places to go and people to see. So tell you all what, I'll count to three. When I hit three, your purple furball friends here better quit tryin' to get grabby and start doin' useful things with their hands. Like showing me my ticket outta here. Ready?
One. Twoffff-
Mail sack. Funny. Ha . . . flamin' ha.
Alright, punks, you got mail? I'll give you somethin' to write home about. Say hello to your new mailman, known in professional circles as the Wolverine. Don't you all start wrappin' your presents at once, now-I've worked a hell of a lot of odd jobs back in my day, but I gotta say postal service wouldn't make my resumé. Sure, I've made a couple special deliveries . . . but usually the package is a nice, low-cost ass-kicking. And I'm usually the addressee. So due to my personal inexperience and the fact that I frankly couldn't give less of a shit about your mail, I'm gonna tell you here and now that I ain't liable for whatever you give me because you're too damn lazy to give it in person. I'm not deliverin' any letters to your mommies about how the swamp ain't treatin' you nice.
Best advice I can offer in trustin' me with your snail mail: ask nicely. Don't make my "job" harder than it has to be. 'Cause those ass-kickings I mentioned earlier? Those're what I like to call priority mail. Guaranteed delivery within five or fewer business days.
. . . five or fewer minutes if you stink as bad as your dead buddies here. I'm all about the public service, bub.
Poll Vote!
Character: Captain Jack Harkness.
Series: Doctor Who / Torchwood.
Age: Old. Looks ~40.
Job: Non-Human Resources Management.
Canon: Over the last thirty-odd years, Doctor Who has enraptured viewers with a variety of strange alien species throughout space and time. Jack Harkness's claim to fame is to have flirted with all of them. Originally a companion to the Ninth Doctor, deus ex machina has left Jack a "fixed point in space and time" - meaning he never stays dead. Jack spent a hundred or so years working for the alien-hunting organization of Great Britain: Torchwood- he outlived enough people they eventually gave him the Cardiff branch to play with. Jack recruited a variety of mentally unstable humans, and Torchwood Three spends most of its time analysing, shooting and seducing aliens and each other. Occasionally, they save the world.
Originally from the 51st Century, where sexuality is fluid and technology is advanced, Jack enjoys playing the exotic enigma and knowing things he shouldn't. On the surface, he is loud, flamboyant and flirtatious, always with a terrible pun or dirty joke to hand. Underneath, hundreds of years wear hard; Jack has been a soldier too many times and lost too many people. He's a strong leader who knows how to make hard decisions and kick serious ass, and he's perfectly happy to die for the cause; mostly because afterwards he'll get back up and keep on fighting. Jack enjoys projecting his issues, standing dramatically on top of very tall buildings, naked hide-and-go-seek, and exposition.
Sample Post:
I know what you're thinking. Guy like me: great body, high quality dentistry, killer fashion sense, you're wondering what I'm doing working in some kind of summer camp. Now I've been in a lot of positions before - and believe me, I mean a lot of positions, this one time I got stuck upside-down with my eyebrow tickling my thigh and if it hadn't been for the jar of motor oil in the boot who knows what could have happened! But I digress.
I'm here investigating claims of paranormal activity in your Camp. Ma'am, are you aware that many of your campers have been undergoing unusual physical changes? No, I'm not talking about puberty; I'm talking about the prevalence of deformed facial expressions and, quote unquote, chibification. Have you ever seen a guy with a mouth like a three turned sideways? Pray you never do. Not to mention the fact that I've only been here a day and I've got samples of half a dozen diseases found nowhere else on Earth, though I did encounter a more prolonged form of the gender reversal virus way out in Diomedes Nine a long time ago. Spent most of the day locked in my room... you ever considered marketing it?
Then there's the humanitarian aspect. One camper informed me you have them all stuck playing an eternal game that it's impossible to win. Another introduced me to some of the local flora and fauna - well, Marcy kinda introduced herself. About five times. Hell of a tentacle monster, that one! The report also mentions some campers have been manifesting sudden rains of rosepetals, pink clouds, and occasionally: sparkles. I'm afraid unless I see documentation of the involvement of Stephanie Meyers, I'm gonna have to declare this entire summer camp in breach of Directive 32, and a Weeaboo Singularity.
But hey, don't look upset! Nothing more tragic than a sad expression on a beautiful woman. See, a few months ago I received a letter inviting me to join your highly specialized team. Don't think I've ever been offered a job with such unique opportunities in Employee Relations. At the time... well, I was a little busy. Now? I'm willing to accept your offer, since it'll give me a chance to keep an ongoing watch on this place. Though uh, we may have to renegotiate some of the fine print. Resource Management I can handle, but I'm not so sure about this secondary position. It says, "Camp Target Practice"...?
Poll Vote!
Name: Henry “Indiana” Jones Jr.
Age: 39
Canon: Indiana Jones Trilogy
Job: Professor of Archeology
Canon: Indiana Jones is your typical fast paced, action packed, car chase, shoot ‘em up movie series about the exciting life of a professor of archeology in the 1930s. That’s right, an ass kicking, hard core, action hero with a doctorate. In a series of adventures that take him all over the world, we see him shoot, score with lovely ladies and tackle mysteries of biblical proportions all in the name of historical preservation. A true inspiration to all of us who ever dreamed of uncovering buried treasure so it could be safely stored in a museum.
Doctor Indiana Jones may be a professor but he is truly in a category all his own. How many other professors do you know who carry a whip? He’s witty and charming (especially with the ladies) but still maintains a rough, tough, manly persona. He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t hesitate to throw the first punch in a fight. Get him started on the subject of his work, however, and it can be hard to get him to stop. Thankfully, through all his challenges he maintains a sense of humor.
Sample Entry:
Look, I’m not one to judge, but is this really my assigned class? I realize Ms. Sayre has promised me a very generous stipend to teach in this place, and even more for my research, but I’m not sure I’m really qualified to be instructing this bunch of apes. No offense to my students. I’m sure they’re all very intelligent, if colorful, primates. But I don’t really see why they would be interested in the lives and culture of early humans… Unless they’re trying to pick up some tips. Alright, okay, I’ll give it a try. Hell, I’ve had worse jobs. I haven’t been shot at all day here, it’s practically paradise.
I’m going to go ahead and start with the basics. Archeology is the study of ancient civilizations. And despite what stories and movies may have led you to believe, it’s not just about raiding lost temples. Most of it is intensive study of what little we have been able to find. Sometimes we can learn more from the humble things than from say a solid gold crown. Not to say we don’t enjoy making a find like that. But there are some things that are best left to legends and stories.
I’ll give you an example that might interest you, since you’re from this area. See a long time ago far away in the Polynesian islands there was a powerful tribal elder who was so hungry for riches he even sold his own daughter for an intricately carved piece of jade from China. It was supposed to be spectacular; a long solid cylinder covered with ridges carved up to a rounded end with two gems encrusted spheres on the other side. The natives gave it a name which translates in English as “The One Who Pleases Women”. When the French came and colonized the area they claimed the jade piece, taking to France with them as spoils of conquest. From there it was supposedly stolen by a handmaid working for an upper class lady (you don’t want to know how she got it out, trust me) who smuggled it into Canada, which was still a French colony at the time.
Many of the French colonials were later kicked out of Canada, so they headed south to settle right around here. Many scholars think the jade artifact came with them, but the natives say it was claimed by the gods as a sacrifice, no one’s seen it since. But here’s where fact and fiction get all mixed up. See, supposedly it’s now guarded by a legion of the undead and one monstrous many armed beast that lives in a poisoned lake. Doesn’t exactly sound friendly, does it? Doesn’t exactly sound possible either. It’s our job, as scientists, to separate the facts from the hearsay and scary stories. Only then will we ever have hope of recovering the real Jade Phallus.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Shishidou Kagura.
Series: Sora Kake Girl
Age: IT'S A TRAAAAAAAAP. But looks in her early twenties.
Job: Mentor In Loving Families
Canon: Warning! This app contains spoilers for Sora Kake Girl!
Once upon a time, an epic battle was fought out between AI and humanity ... except that unlike most stories, the AI only wants what's best for us! ...by turning us into reclusive /b/tards in boxes. Humanity is prone to doing dumb things to itself, after all. The war settled into an uneasy fifty year stalemate until Shishidou Akiha fired Leopard's cannon and made a man of him. Yes, really. However, Akiha and Leopard's journey of self-discovery and non-stop penis jokes were interrupted, stalled and set back by the occasional intrusion of a very badass woman in armor into their injokey lives. Cue massive shock (or not) when it turns out that said armored woman is Shishidou Kagura, once leader of the human rebel army that fought against Nerval's efforts fifty years before, and then brainwashed to fight on Nerval's side. She got better!
Kagura is nothing what you would expect a former savior of humanity to be. Since insight is one of her special abilities, you would expect her to be a wise and loving jesus type, knowing what to say to make her allies feel better. Wrong! While Kagura is wise and insightful, she's more often than not saying what her listener does not want to hear. Worst. Jesus. Ever. And this is before you run into her entertaining herself by naming off all the positive things about herself! Really, she's a bit of a troll and loves riling people to get reactions. While she can -- and does -- philosophize, Kagura will also make terrible jokes about her brainwashing being for the lulz, be playful and flippant, and occasionally encourage her loli friend to get into lesbiantastic situations with her. She also innacostumes her 14 year old descendant into a revealing suit and lures her down the path of DARKNESS!111. While Kagura feels acutely guilty about the whole "seducing someone to the side of darkness" thing, this guilt doesn't prevent her from curb stomp battling said fourteen year old to beat justice into her after Kagura's own brainwashing wears off. Also, she has a sweet hat.
Sample Entry:
What to do? Lost in the wilderness on a mostly deserted camp, and nothing fun to do! I am good at entertaining myself, but there's only so many times I can write "Kagura was here" on the barrier, after all~ It's quite sturdy! I could think of a few things that could aspire to be as sturdy as it - there's nothing worse than hearing "oh, it broke!" the morning after sometimes. I could lead a rebellion for truth, justice and the bored way. What do you say, class? No? Or, I could do my job. What is it again? Mentor in Loving Families? Ahaha, how appropriate. Sit down, everyone, let's begin. Families are difficult to understand. The family we choose can be more powerful than the family we are born into, and the connections we form with one another transcend logic and overcome all obstacles. With the aid of our chosen family, we can achieve anything -- this is why you should ask before putting your hands there, Gorilla-kun. Zombie-kun doesn't need that kind of aid from what I saw earlier~
Moving on ... ah ah ahhhh, Toucan-kun, your role today is to teach Duckling-chan how to best use her fire. I can hear what you're thinking~ how very daring! That can be for next week ♥ Another part of family is the reliance on one another, to believe that they will protect you when you need protecting. I do approve of the costume Toucan-san made for Duckling-chan -- it reveals enough without revealing too much! Well done! -- and the codename you chose is a very nice touch, but ... it's a little limiting, don't you think? Why not call her a Valkyrie, so that she can ride out before Toucan-san in battle and torch the enemy, instead of calling her Asgardian where all she can do is mind Toucan-san's rear? While her rear is large, minding it would not be hard. ...ahaha, I said the wrong thing? Sorry~ I'll take care of your complaint later.
Ah, and now my advanced students. Marcy-kun, Tree-kun, I am impressed. Such teamwork, as the pair of you herd your enemies into your loving embraces! Such unspoken understanding between the two of you! I'm pleased to see the two of you working together and living together. Your roots must be so long, Tree-kun! Living together as one, sharing food together, trusting one another -- this is the true meaning of family. You're no longer in need of my teachings. But ... you should know that it's traditional to offer your teacher a very~ nice~ gift once you graduate. It's a very important tradition! I'd be honored to accept a -- Jolly Rogering? Ahaha, well, I'm more of a rebel than a pirate and while I could use a flag, I don't~ think~ that's how you say that -- oh, I see. A jolly rogering means a hug! Young people today, with their slang! But, as kind as it is for you to offer that to me there are some things that should stay within the family, don't you think? ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Riza Hawkeye
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist
Age: Mid-twenties
Job: Paperwork and Other Similar Tasks (P.O.S.T.) Enforcer
Canon: Science, religion, politics, and ninjas! Fullmetal Alchemist has all these, and more. Join Edward Elric, the tiniest alchemist, and his brother Alphonse in their quest for the mythical Philosopher's Stone which will help them restore their bodies to the way they were before they attempted the forbidden human transmutation on their late mother. However, things aren't quite as simple, and they soon realize this as they find themselves involved in intricate political plots. Ed and Al will have to join forces with the military, chimeras, illegal immigrants, and religious fanatics for the sake of restoring not only their bodies, but a whole nation's peace.
Amongst the "dogs of the army" we find one Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, markswoman extraordinaire. Stoic, and with a deep sense of duty, she tolerates no nonsense when it comes to her job, as can be witnessed when she calmly leashes a serial killer who crushes on her. Riza is 100% devoted both to protecting her country and to sticking by Colonel Mustang's side come hell or high water, and she will do anything from making sure he does all his paperwork to preventing his soul from being consumed by ~*vengeful feelings*~. Outside of the battlefield, Riza leads a pretty normal life and often plays the role of an understanding elder sister to the younglings. But be sure not to test her temper, since she also has no qualms when it comes to using guns as a disciplinary method... even if it means shooting at a tiny puppy for peeing in the wrong place.
Sample Post:
Good day, Camp. I'm First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, and I will be working as your new P.O.S.T. Enforcer. I am not here to force you to write correspondence or mail packages to anyone, but rather to supervise Paperwork and Other Similar Tasks. According to Director Sayre, many campers and counselors tend to be lax when it comes to commitments regarding paperwork and writing, both traditional and digital. And while dealing with procrastination is not something I'm unfamiliar with, there is a difference between letting things pile up on your desk for days until they start gathering dust, and deliberately using them as bonfire fuel. I would expect this sort of behaviour from the younger residents and one counselor in particular, but the rest of you ought to know better. What kind of example are we setting for the campers? There is an alarming amount of them who think "the lake monster ate my summer homework" will serve as a valid excuse with their teachers back home. And as someone who has heard rather creative stories in the past you can be certain that will not work with me.
I have been briefed on this world's Internet and how it's employed as a means of communication. It's a very useful technology, but just by looking at your online community I can tell there are a number of things that need to be worked on in order to meet this encampment's new standards with my active duty here. Consistent use of the spell-checker and proper punctuation, and avoiding the use of bright colors, strange characters, excessive all capitals, and pictures of gorillas in lingerie, is guaranteed to increase the number of responses an entry gets. Of course, another objective is to raise the number of posts per day as well, and the only way to achieve this is if campers, counselors, and literate zombies make a joint effort to work together.
As the great majority of us have been entrapped here against our will, I can understand your reluctance to take part in this kind of activities. However, you should also be aware that cooperation is in your best interests, not only because I take my job quite seriously even in a swamp, but because it will make things much simpler for everyone involved. Posts can be used to socialize; getting to know your peers will lead to alliances that should make your stay here more pleasant and undoubtedly come in handy should you choose to partake in other endeavours, such as researching unconfirmed deaths in the history of Camp.
Then, our first activity today will consist of testing the servers' robustness. Our goal by the end of the week is to reach comment #5000 before any database errors start occurring. With everyone participating, this should be achieved in two hours in three simultaneous posts -minimum -so please do your best. Oh, and please do not think of "dropping" threads earlier than entirely necessary during this exercise. I'd rather not be forced to take measures so early in the program.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE.
Character: The Devil
Series: Bedazzled
Age: Depends on your translation. ♥
Job: Camp Appreciation Counselor
Canon: "I would give anything. . ." When a socially-inept nerd, Elliot Richards, utters these words, he catches the attention of the one person looking to cut a deal-The Devil. In exchange for his immortal soul, the Devil offers him seven wishes. Each finding a way to go horribly awry once he signs on the dotted line. In the end, Elliot comes to realize the true price of his deal and learns about himself as well as the world around him.
As the princess of darkness, the Devil enjoys mischief, mayhem, and any amount of torment inflicted upon the masses. From issuing parking tickets to corrupting the youth to, of course, damning people to the fiery pits of Hell, she has the power to tempt any and all. . . And makes excellent use of it. Able to fake a few tears when she needs to, the Devil gets the job done, enjoying it all the while. Truly, she knows how to turn on the charm and does so often-Not that having god-like powers, including altering reality, reading minds, instant costume changes that show off her very flattering figure, and much, much more doesn't help. The Devil isn't without a temper and sharp wit, driving her points home and hard. After all, the seven sins didn't invent themselves.
Sample Entry:
Right then, I may have an eternity of damnation to get back to, but time is torment. So, let's get right down to business, shall we? You are trapped in a possibly endless summer camp located in a swamp that is infested with zombies, amorous wildlife, and fellow campers that are just as likely to be your friends as they are to kill you. Some of them are even going to be delightfully creative about it. And don't get me started on Sayre; she hasn't dipped into anything worth even the first circle. Don't worry, the Director and I are going to have a nice, long chat after this. But, really, I fail to see how this place is managing to be Hell on Earth for some of you! Between you and me, that would be Madagascar in about three minutes when Duck Cold lands. They just couldn't close their ports fast enough, the poor things.
Now, darlings, I'm not saying that you don't have it a bit rough here, but it is what you make of it. Look at it this way, I'm seeing quite a few of you who are missing out on some quality time with me. -I'm not hurt, really! You have a bit more time to enjoy life and really make some thing of it. You're doomed, anyway, aren't you? Go down with a story they'll be talking about all the way to the underworld, I say! Ohh, don't think I'm playing favorites now. I'm equal opportunity for those with a pulse five feet inside or outside the barrier. For instance, there are the viruses which are a delightful way to expand your world horizons! The same goes for that infamous soup of yours. Really, hasn't your mother ever taught you to try something before you decide that you don't like it? And all that sugar is just horrible for you. Better off without it! Home-cooked meals, a roof over your head, and all the wireless internet you could ask for! Bill Gates would be suing if he had any idea. . . But, well, he does owe me a favor or two, just in case.
As for that no-sex rule, it really is a bother, isn't it? I wouldn't want to ruin what Sayre has going here, but. . . Well, let's talk after class and see if we can't find some kind of trade, hmm? Besides, with the way some of you are around mistletoe, I'm not sure you could handle it, otherwise! This place would have exploded with the unresolved tension between some of you if it weren't for that little weed. Try to remember that when you're lip-locked with someone who is giving you a real spit shine. And the same goes for Naked Day! I mean, you're going three hundred and sixty-four days free of any mandatory embarrassing nudity. Which really is a shame, you know. I don't know if you're noticed, boys and girls, but there aren't any locks on any of these doors. -Well, not now, anyway. Just a helpful hint if you want to make that holiday a little more monthly~? It's not like anyone would be surprised by all of their wardrobe sprouting legs and dashing off for a rendezvous with Marcy, after all.
Well, I won't keep you any longer from your new haven in the swamps! Remember, you can pop by anytime. My door's always open, except for whoever decides to make clever changes to that tune about my going down to Georgia. It really does pain me to punish someone for deceit.
Poll Vote!
Character: Benten
Series: Zone-00
Character Age: over 600, but appears to be about 20-something
Job: Owner of Bar Benten (CFUD branch)
Canon: The battle between humans and mononoke (...non-humans) was long and bitter, until a truce was agreed upon five hundred years ago. Now is a time of peace, a time in which mononoke live amongst humans that no longer believe they exist. However, Tokyo has recently been getting stranger and stranger, with violent attacks by mononoke that prowl the streets. These are not the intelligent mononoke that once ruled, but are "fakes", mindless monsters created by a drug that is spreading rapidly through the city: Zone-00.
The Sky King of the legendary Four Generals during the time of mononoke rule, Benten is a yatagarasu. Like most "real" mononoke, though, Benten spends most of his time in a humanoid form. Currently the owner of Bar Benten, he's a walking example of how one shouldn't be judged by their appearance. With his stiletto heels, long hair, and slender body, Benten looks every inch a lovely, genteel lady--an illusion that is quickly shattered by his ability to out-swear a sailor, nasty temper, and fondness for (usually comedic) violence when angered. He's proud, vain, and powerful, a combination that gains him the fear and respect of nearly all those who know him.
NOTE: for those who are unaware, Zombie, Sex on the Beach, and Adios, Motherfucker are all names of common cocktails.
Sample Post:
Stop me if you've heard this one: a guy walks into a bar. "Ow."
Funny, right? That's how the joke goes, anyway, and how things normally go. See, normally, I don't get guys walking into my bar and losing their heads so...literally. Pull yourself together, man, I don't like guts spilled over my floor. My admittedly worthless staff isn't around right now, which means there's no one to pick up after you. If you want to stick around, I'd suggest making sure all your body parts are fully secured before you take another step in. That goes for all of you, incidentally.
So...you're here for a job interview, yeah? I know I've got a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window, but you can't be serious. For fuck's sake, half of you are missing arms. How the hell are you supposed to mix drinks and serve customers like that? Worthless is one thing, totally fucking useless is another. Look, smartasses, Bar Benten is Bar Benten and as I'm the only one around here named Benten, it's my bar. You trash aren't even worth getting strung up as decorations. That I'm even letting you come in is a sign of this Benten-sama's great generosity, so place some orders and get the fuck out. I'll let you hang around as customers, but for the record, I expect extra compensation for having to serve you rotten people-- pun totally intended.
You've got about five seconds to decide on your drink before I decide for you, and believe me, I'm going to milk you for every cent you're worth. Time's up! Lessee... A Zombie, maybe? Oh wait, that's redundant. Something else then...Necrophilia on the Beach ♥~? Ha ha ha, I crack myself up. And before any of you do anything, that wasn't an invitation. I don't condone that sort of thing in here, got it? Anything you wanna do, get a rooooo... Actually, on second thought, I don't want to know about it. At all. Ever. Ever.
Listen up, you little shits. There are few things that I will put my foot down about, and zombie PDA is one of them. Zombie bartenders is the other, actually. I'll live with zombie customers, so long as you pay up, and if you want to karaoke to some song you can't even pronounce the words to, go for it. But if you start touching each other where I can see it, your balls are gonna get a very close look at these heels of mine. Got it? Hey, hey! What the fuck did I just say? Call it discrimination if you like, but the only nuts I'm letting you zombies eat around here are peanuts. You break my rules, I break you. Here, I just came up with the perfect drink for you lot:
Adios, Motherfucker.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Percival Fraulein
Series: Suikoden III
Age: 26
Job: Personal Success Counselor
Canon: Suikoden 3 takes place in a world rife with conflict, may it be over territory, cultural differences, or power. While the animosity between the six clans of the Grasslands and the Zexen Federation may appear to be the problem at the start, the real issue lies with one man's plan to unleash chaos unto the land. A masked bishop is collecting the five elemental True Runes, the gods of this world, and plans to abuse them for his own purposes. Former enemies become allies under the flag of the Flame Champion, a long-gone hero of the Grasslands, and his Fire Bringer supporters, and a race to stop the masked man's apocalyptic wish starts.
Joining the fight as a member of the Fire Bringer, Percival is one of Zexen's best knights. A commoner by birth, he had to work his way to his current position in a classic rags-to-riches manner. While he can come across as rather reserved about his work, Percival also enjoys teasing those around him and knows how to relax when he has time to do so, may it be drinking with his fellow knights or spending time with his many female fans. Whether at work or play, though, he tends to keep his gentlemanly demeanor and only slips into a less courteous tone of voice when dealing with things he deems below him, such as being cast as a sheep in a play. Even then, he'll at least try to put up a good face, if only to maintain the honor of the Knights.
Sample Entry:
Can a giant squid achieve more than she expected out of life? Most certainly.
Marcy, you may think that because you are confined within this eerily colored lake that your options are limited, but you musn't resign yourself to such defeat. This may be the first time I have advised a... squid, but I assure you that all beings can achieve success if guided properly. I have seen both ducks and lizards lead bravely, so do not belittle yourself. It is all a matter of will.
I myself went from being a farmer boy to part of the Zexen elite. While I take no issue to farming and raising animals, I opted to pursue knighthood, achieving it through my own efforts. Your path and my own differ greatly, but allow me to explain the parallels. You see, we both lived many years of our lives in small areas. In my hometown, I knew everyone by name, and you probably know all of your fellow lake residents as well. Or perhaps you... ate them all...? Whatever the case, our homes limit our range of experiences, and it is impossible to succeed without becoming more worldly. As such, I suggest taking that first step toward success and leaving this lake.
What of the lack of water? That is not a valid excuse! I have seen you rise up and out of this lake to attack campers along these shores, so I will not hear of any "I cannot operate out of the water" complaints. On that note, I do not suggest snacking upon people. No one will appreciate you for that, and it will only hinder your progress. Unless you wish to pursue the career of Professional Monster? While your size lets you fill the role easily, your residence is far too small to make a real impact. The open waters are where a true sea monster should be, not in a lake located at a children's camp. You must have damsels in distress in your grips and knights in shining armor as your opponents, not children. Ah, ah--That was not an invitation for you to attack me. I stand here as your counselor, not your foe. Even if I am clad in armor.
As I was saying, I suggest you move to the open waters as soon as possible. You will never make a name for yourself at such an unknown location. Your chance will likely come with the next flood waters, and I fully expect to see you gone from this horrid lake when that happens. I will see nothing but success from you, Marcy.
Now, simply follow those instructions, and you'll soon find yourself ruling the high seas. You will have would-be heroes come after you! When they do, be sure to slay all but one of his party. This way, the lone survivor can return and tell stories of your greatness. Tales of terrifying beasts will spread quickly, and you, Marcy, will become known as the most treacherous of all sea creatures. Your name will go down in history!
Poll Vote!
Character: Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden
Series: The Dresden Files
Job: Paranormal Investigator
Character Age: late 20s (27-28~)
Canon: In modern day Chicago you might not expect to find a genuine Wizard, a man with old world magic and rough handed chivalry. But that's just who you'd find, upon searching for Wizards in the yellow pages. His name is Harry Dresden, and he's the real deal. With talismans, potions, a wizard's staff and blasting rod, and the assistance of an ancient magical spirit named Bob who lives in a skull, Harry fights the monsters of the Nevernever, the attacks of malicious spirits, and the worst evils of all -- humans who misuse magic for their own purposes.
Quick-witted and honorable, sarcastic and gruff, and often brooding or grumpy, Harry is your average social recluse. But he rarely turns down a case when people are in danger or need... or when he's broke. Still, when you know the truth about the things that go bump in the night, it's hard not to feel a need to protect the poor schmucks that don't have a clue. Unfortunately for Harry, wanting to help people doesn't really improve his people skills -- Harry is an utter failure at relationships. Sort of like with his magic (Harry lacks fine control and is something of a wizardly thug, using brute force in most instances), he is blunt and artless in dealing with people, often saying juuuuuust the right thing that will piss them off without meaning to. Somehow, despite offending the higher up wizards dozens of times over, he manages to maintain a long list of contacts in the magical/supernatural world -- likely an acknowledgment of his abilities as a Wizard.
Harry lives very simply, due to both an unfortunate tendency to destroy modern technology and a lack of money. It's the latter that spurs him to consult with the Chicago police department on 'unusual' cases, sharing (to an extent that won't get his ass handed to him by the senior wizards) his knowledge of the supernatural to solve crimes. He gets beat up on a regular basis, rushes headlong into situations he isn't quite equipped to handle ...and sometimes he makes love potions out of tequila. But you can blame that one on Bob.
Sample App:
HARRY DRESDEN - WIZARD
Lost items found. Paranormal Investigations.
Consulting. Advice. Reasonable Rates.
No Love Potions, Endless Purses, Parties,
or Other Entertainment
There we go -- just like home! I know what you're thinking. Rabbits out of hats, sawing people in half, card tricks -- that's a Magician, kids, and Miss Sayre hired me to set you straight. Wizards are the real thing. Incantations, potions, spell work, and fighting demons named Monty. And, yeah, I know what you're thinking now, too: What self respecting demon would go by "Monty"? Is this guy for real? Let's keep it simple and go with "Yes." And before you go for the obvious joke, I've seen the full Monty... it's not a pretty sight.
Normally, I wouldn't reveal this much, but seeing as the toucans are doing the macarena and there are purple gorillas trying to use me as a sex toy, I think the ship has kinda sailed, you know? The barn door's open, the cows are out, and the bag is really devoid of cats. So, I'm hoping there's someone out there who can clue me in as to what kind of wacky mojo is being... Uh, mojo'd. Alright, so I lost the roll, but I was on it for a minute there.
Anyway, I'm a private investigator of the paranormal sort... and I figure being here, you all need a crash course in dealing with the supernatural. So, the ABCs of the paranormal. Most importantly: People might think you're crazy, but just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face. It's a lesson well learned, really. Always be on your guard, no matter how safe you think you are or how little clothing you have on. Like this one time, a toad demon caught me in the shower and chased me outside, without even my blasting rod. Normally, I'd say, "Whip out your staff, man! WHIP IT OUT!" but when you're buck naked with shampoo in your eyes, it's really all you can do to tuck it in and flee. Which is another important point: There's nothing honorable about dying unless you're protecting someone, so know when to run away.
Next: After looking around a little, I'm worried that you're getting worked up over the wrong things. Marcy? Yeah, she's big, but compared to a horny succubus, she's a kitten. Besides, she's trapped in the lake... if she's ever able to slither through an air vent and hoover your crotch while you're sleeping? Then we'll talk. But the Tuesday soup? Now that's something to be afraid of. It's a potion, and from what I can tell a dangerous one. I'm not one to ever turn down a free meal, but I've got an idea of what human flesh and brussels sprouts can do to a person. Dark magic won't just wear off in a few hours, like indigestion after bad takeout. Plus, it makes you gassy.
I think I've covered the basics now. Time to go evade the wildlife and figure out exactly what kind of containment spell this "barrier" is. You might want to stand back, just in case. This probably won't blow anything up or set anything on fire. Probably. Uh. One, two... aperio!
Damn it, I was kidding! That one never explodes on me. Owww, my---tail?! Well that's an interesting transmogrification.
Is there a veterinarian in the house?
Poll Vote!
Character name: Logan/"Wolverine"/James Howlett
Series: Marvel Universe (Earth-616)
Age: About 120, give or take a decade.
Job: Letter Opener Postal Worker
Canon: The story is a classic: a small, sickly boy from Canada found himself in possession of a set of claws and extraordinary regenerative capability. Because his "healing factor" made old age and disease non-issues, the boy grew into a gigantic man and stayed that way for decades on end. A lot of bad stuff happened, including a period of self-imposed exile to the Canadian wilderness and the deaths of a small handful of girlfriends. After World War II, he ended up in the custody of the Weapon X program, where his skeleton was coated with adamantium. Also, Weapon X supplemented his scant real memories with fake ones. So the above is all pretty subjective. The important thing is, a derailed Weapon X mission landed Logan in the company of the X-Men, famed defenders of mutant rights. And except for the times when he's in a mood and strikes out on his own (or in more questionable company), he's pretty much there to stay.
Logan, codenamed "Wolverine," is a gruff and broody component of the Marvel universe. His strong personal ethics and his no-bullshit attitude have earned him loyal friends in high places; his need for independence is expressed in his constant team-shifting, which has earned him enemies in scores. He's a man in need of a mission-and since he can't quite ignore his violent tendencies, it's a good thing he's the X-Men's go-to guy when they need something beaten up or cut to ribbons. Not only is he able, but he's more or less perpetually willing. Underneath his beer-drinking, cigar-smoking, rough-and-tumble exterior lies the grace and honor of a warrior poet-and underneath that is a guy who really loves beating the shit out of things. Love him or hate him, most people in Earth-616 seem to agree: Logan's the best there is at what he does, and what he does . . . well, you've probably heard it before.
Sample Entry:
I gotta hand it to the headcase behind this setup: it takes guts to corral a buncha dumb kids in a shitty backwater swamp and force 'em to call it home for God-knows-how-long. Takes brains to build a cage that can contain a guy like me for longer than I want it to. And you've gotta have some cold cash in spades lyin' around to keep this kinda facility discreet for-what, a couple years now? Yeah, yeah, color me impressed. But what really gets to me-what I really gotta stop and just, y'know, absorb for a second-is the size of this director broad's stones. They've gotta be the size of national monuments if she expects me to stick around and play FedEx with her and her pet chumps.
See, I'm a whole lotta things. Nice guy. Mean guy. Guy you don't wanna be left alone in a room with. But right now, first and foremost-I'm an X-Man, and if you know what that means you know I got places to go and people to see. So tell you all what, I'll count to three. When I hit three, your purple furball friends here better quit tryin' to get grabby and start doin' useful things with their hands. Like showing me my ticket outta here. Ready?
One. Twoffff-
Mail sack. Funny. Ha . . . flamin' ha.
Alright, punks, you got mail? I'll give you somethin' to write home about. Say hello to your new mailman, known in professional circles as the Wolverine. Don't you all start wrappin' your presents at once, now-I've worked a hell of a lot of odd jobs back in my day, but I gotta say postal service wouldn't make my resumé. Sure, I've made a couple special deliveries . . . but usually the package is a nice, low-cost ass-kicking. And I'm usually the addressee. So due to my personal inexperience and the fact that I frankly couldn't give less of a shit about your mail, I'm gonna tell you here and now that I ain't liable for whatever you give me because you're too damn lazy to give it in person. I'm not deliverin' any letters to your mommies about how the swamp ain't treatin' you nice.
Best advice I can offer in trustin' me with your snail mail: ask nicely. Don't make my "job" harder than it has to be. 'Cause those ass-kickings I mentioned earlier? Those're what I like to call priority mail. Guaranteed delivery within five or fewer business days.
. . . five or fewer minutes if you stink as bad as your dead buddies here. I'm all about the public service, bub.
Poll Vote!
Character: Captain Jack Harkness.
Series: Doctor Who / Torchwood.
Age: Old. Looks ~40.
Job: Non-Human Resources Management.
Canon: Over the last thirty-odd years, Doctor Who has enraptured viewers with a variety of strange alien species throughout space and time. Jack Harkness's claim to fame is to have flirted with all of them. Originally a companion to the Ninth Doctor, deus ex machina has left Jack a "fixed point in space and time" - meaning he never stays dead. Jack spent a hundred or so years working for the alien-hunting organization of Great Britain: Torchwood- he outlived enough people they eventually gave him the Cardiff branch to play with. Jack recruited a variety of mentally unstable humans, and Torchwood Three spends most of its time analysing, shooting and seducing aliens and each other. Occasionally, they save the world.
Originally from the 51st Century, where sexuality is fluid and technology is advanced, Jack enjoys playing the exotic enigma and knowing things he shouldn't. On the surface, he is loud, flamboyant and flirtatious, always with a terrible pun or dirty joke to hand. Underneath, hundreds of years wear hard; Jack has been a soldier too many times and lost too many people. He's a strong leader who knows how to make hard decisions and kick serious ass, and he's perfectly happy to die for the cause; mostly because afterwards he'll get back up and keep on fighting. Jack enjoys projecting his issues, standing dramatically on top of very tall buildings, naked hide-and-go-seek, and exposition.
Sample Post:
I know what you're thinking. Guy like me: great body, high quality dentistry, killer fashion sense, you're wondering what I'm doing working in some kind of summer camp. Now I've been in a lot of positions before - and believe me, I mean a lot of positions, this one time I got stuck upside-down with my eyebrow tickling my thigh and if it hadn't been for the jar of motor oil in the boot who knows what could have happened! But I digress.
I'm here investigating claims of paranormal activity in your Camp. Ma'am, are you aware that many of your campers have been undergoing unusual physical changes? No, I'm not talking about puberty; I'm talking about the prevalence of deformed facial expressions and, quote unquote, chibification. Have you ever seen a guy with a mouth like a three turned sideways? Pray you never do. Not to mention the fact that I've only been here a day and I've got samples of half a dozen diseases found nowhere else on Earth, though I did encounter a more prolonged form of the gender reversal virus way out in Diomedes Nine a long time ago. Spent most of the day locked in my room... you ever considered marketing it?
Then there's the humanitarian aspect. One camper informed me you have them all stuck playing an eternal game that it's impossible to win. Another introduced me to some of the local flora and fauna - well, Marcy kinda introduced herself. About five times. Hell of a tentacle monster, that one! The report also mentions some campers have been manifesting sudden rains of rosepetals, pink clouds, and occasionally: sparkles. I'm afraid unless I see documentation of the involvement of Stephanie Meyers, I'm gonna have to declare this entire summer camp in breach of Directive 32, and a Weeaboo Singularity.
But hey, don't look upset! Nothing more tragic than a sad expression on a beautiful woman. See, a few months ago I received a letter inviting me to join your highly specialized team. Don't think I've ever been offered a job with such unique opportunities in Employee Relations. At the time... well, I was a little busy. Now? I'm willing to accept your offer, since it'll give me a chance to keep an ongoing watch on this place. Though uh, we may have to renegotiate some of the fine print. Resource Management I can handle, but I'm not so sure about this secondary position. It says, "Camp Target Practice"...?
Poll Vote!
Name: Henry “Indiana” Jones Jr.
Age: 39
Canon: Indiana Jones Trilogy
Job: Professor of Archeology
Canon: Indiana Jones is your typical fast paced, action packed, car chase, shoot ‘em up movie series about the exciting life of a professor of archeology in the 1930s. That’s right, an ass kicking, hard core, action hero with a doctorate. In a series of adventures that take him all over the world, we see him shoot, score with lovely ladies and tackle mysteries of biblical proportions all in the name of historical preservation. A true inspiration to all of us who ever dreamed of uncovering buried treasure so it could be safely stored in a museum.
Doctor Indiana Jones may be a professor but he is truly in a category all his own. How many other professors do you know who carry a whip? He’s witty and charming (especially with the ladies) but still maintains a rough, tough, manly persona. He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t hesitate to throw the first punch in a fight. Get him started on the subject of his work, however, and it can be hard to get him to stop. Thankfully, through all his challenges he maintains a sense of humor.
Sample Entry:
Look, I’m not one to judge, but is this really my assigned class? I realize Ms. Sayre has promised me a very generous stipend to teach in this place, and even more for my research, but I’m not sure I’m really qualified to be instructing this bunch of apes. No offense to my students. I’m sure they’re all very intelligent, if colorful, primates. But I don’t really see why they would be interested in the lives and culture of early humans… Unless they’re trying to pick up some tips. Alright, okay, I’ll give it a try. Hell, I’ve had worse jobs. I haven’t been shot at all day here, it’s practically paradise.
I’m going to go ahead and start with the basics. Archeology is the study of ancient civilizations. And despite what stories and movies may have led you to believe, it’s not just about raiding lost temples. Most of it is intensive study of what little we have been able to find. Sometimes we can learn more from the humble things than from say a solid gold crown. Not to say we don’t enjoy making a find like that. But there are some things that are best left to legends and stories.
I’ll give you an example that might interest you, since you’re from this area. See a long time ago far away in the Polynesian islands there was a powerful tribal elder who was so hungry for riches he even sold his own daughter for an intricately carved piece of jade from China. It was supposed to be spectacular; a long solid cylinder covered with ridges carved up to a rounded end with two gems encrusted spheres on the other side. The natives gave it a name which translates in English as “The One Who Pleases Women”. When the French came and colonized the area they claimed the jade piece, taking to France with them as spoils of conquest. From there it was supposedly stolen by a handmaid working for an upper class lady (you don’t want to know how she got it out, trust me) who smuggled it into Canada, which was still a French colony at the time.
Many of the French colonials were later kicked out of Canada, so they headed south to settle right around here. Many scholars think the jade artifact came with them, but the natives say it was claimed by the gods as a sacrifice, no one’s seen it since. But here’s where fact and fiction get all mixed up. See, supposedly it’s now guarded by a legion of the undead and one monstrous many armed beast that lives in a poisoned lake. Doesn’t exactly sound friendly, does it? Doesn’t exactly sound possible either. It’s our job, as scientists, to separate the facts from the hearsay and scary stories. Only then will we ever have hope of recovering the real Jade Phallus.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Shishidou Kagura.
Series: Sora Kake Girl
Age: IT'S A TRAAAAAAAAP. But looks in her early twenties.
Job: Mentor In Loving Families
Canon: Warning! This app contains spoilers for Sora Kake Girl!
Once upon a time, an epic battle was fought out between AI and humanity ... except that unlike most stories, the AI only wants what's best for us! ...by turning us into reclusive /b/tards in boxes. Humanity is prone to doing dumb things to itself, after all. The war settled into an uneasy fifty year stalemate until Shishidou Akiha fired Leopard's cannon and made a man of him. Yes, really. However, Akiha and Leopard's journey of self-discovery and non-stop penis jokes were interrupted, stalled and set back by the occasional intrusion of a very badass woman in armor into their injokey lives. Cue massive shock (or not) when it turns out that said armored woman is Shishidou Kagura, once leader of the human rebel army that fought against Nerval's efforts fifty years before, and then brainwashed to fight on Nerval's side. She got better!
Kagura is nothing what you would expect a former savior of humanity to be. Since insight is one of her special abilities, you would expect her to be a wise and loving jesus type, knowing what to say to make her allies feel better. Wrong! While Kagura is wise and insightful, she's more often than not saying what her listener does not want to hear. Worst. Jesus. Ever. And this is before you run into her entertaining herself by naming off all the positive things about herself! Really, she's a bit of a troll and loves riling people to get reactions. While she can -- and does -- philosophize, Kagura will also make terrible jokes about her brainwashing being for the lulz, be playful and flippant, and occasionally encourage her loli friend to get into lesbiantastic situations with her. She also innacostumes her 14 year old descendant into a revealing suit and lures her down the path of DARKNESS!111. While Kagura feels acutely guilty about the whole "seducing someone to the side of darkness" thing, this guilt doesn't prevent her from curb stomp battling said fourteen year old to beat justice into her after Kagura's own brainwashing wears off. Also, she has a sweet hat.
Sample Entry:
What to do? Lost in the wilderness on a mostly deserted camp, and nothing fun to do! I am good at entertaining myself, but there's only so many times I can write "Kagura was here" on the barrier, after all~ It's quite sturdy! I could think of a few things that could aspire to be as sturdy as it - there's nothing worse than hearing "oh, it broke!" the morning after sometimes. I could lead a rebellion for truth, justice and the bored way. What do you say, class? No? Or, I could do my job. What is it again? Mentor in Loving Families? Ahaha, how appropriate. Sit down, everyone, let's begin. Families are difficult to understand. The family we choose can be more powerful than the family we are born into, and the connections we form with one another transcend logic and overcome all obstacles. With the aid of our chosen family, we can achieve anything -- this is why you should ask before putting your hands there, Gorilla-kun. Zombie-kun doesn't need that kind of aid from what I saw earlier~
Moving on ... ah ah ahhhh, Toucan-kun, your role today is to teach Duckling-chan how to best use her fire. I can hear what you're thinking~ how very daring! That can be for next week ♥ Another part of family is the reliance on one another, to believe that they will protect you when you need protecting. I do approve of the costume Toucan-san made for Duckling-chan -- it reveals enough without revealing too much! Well done! -- and the codename you chose is a very nice touch, but ... it's a little limiting, don't you think? Why not call her a Valkyrie, so that she can ride out before Toucan-san in battle and torch the enemy, instead of calling her Asgardian where all she can do is mind Toucan-san's rear? While her rear is large, minding it would not be hard. ...ahaha, I said the wrong thing? Sorry~ I'll take care of your complaint later.
Ah, and now my advanced students. Marcy-kun, Tree-kun, I am impressed. Such teamwork, as the pair of you herd your enemies into your loving embraces! Such unspoken understanding between the two of you! I'm pleased to see the two of you working together and living together. Your roots must be so long, Tree-kun! Living together as one, sharing food together, trusting one another -- this is the true meaning of family. You're no longer in need of my teachings. But ... you should know that it's traditional to offer your teacher a very~ nice~ gift once you graduate. It's a very important tradition! I'd be honored to accept a -- Jolly Rogering? Ahaha, well, I'm more of a rebel than a pirate and while I could use a flag, I don't~ think~ that's how you say that -- oh, I see. A jolly rogering means a hug! Young people today, with their slang! But, as kind as it is for you to offer that to me there are some things that should stay within the family, don't you think? ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Riza Hawkeye
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist
Age: Mid-twenties
Job: Paperwork and Other Similar Tasks (P.O.S.T.) Enforcer
Canon: Science, religion, politics, and ninjas! Fullmetal Alchemist has all these, and more. Join Edward Elric, the tiniest alchemist, and his brother Alphonse in their quest for the mythical Philosopher's Stone which will help them restore their bodies to the way they were before they attempted the forbidden human transmutation on their late mother. However, things aren't quite as simple, and they soon realize this as they find themselves involved in intricate political plots. Ed and Al will have to join forces with the military, chimeras, illegal immigrants, and religious fanatics for the sake of restoring not only their bodies, but a whole nation's peace.
Amongst the "dogs of the army" we find one Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, markswoman extraordinaire. Stoic, and with a deep sense of duty, she tolerates no nonsense when it comes to her job, as can be witnessed when she calmly leashes a serial killer who crushes on her. Riza is 100% devoted both to protecting her country and to sticking by Colonel Mustang's side come hell or high water, and she will do anything from making sure he does all his paperwork to preventing his soul from being consumed by ~*vengeful feelings*~. Outside of the battlefield, Riza leads a pretty normal life and often plays the role of an understanding elder sister to the younglings. But be sure not to test her temper, since she also has no qualms when it comes to using guns as a disciplinary method... even if it means shooting at a tiny puppy for peeing in the wrong place.
Sample Post:
Good day, Camp. I'm First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, and I will be working as your new P.O.S.T. Enforcer. I am not here to force you to write correspondence or mail packages to anyone, but rather to supervise Paperwork and Other Similar Tasks. According to Director Sayre, many campers and counselors tend to be lax when it comes to commitments regarding paperwork and writing, both traditional and digital. And while dealing with procrastination is not something I'm unfamiliar with, there is a difference between letting things pile up on your desk for days until they start gathering dust, and deliberately using them as bonfire fuel. I would expect this sort of behaviour from the younger residents and one counselor in particular, but the rest of you ought to know better. What kind of example are we setting for the campers? There is an alarming amount of them who think "the lake monster ate my summer homework" will serve as a valid excuse with their teachers back home. And as someone who has heard rather creative stories in the past you can be certain that will not work with me.
I have been briefed on this world's Internet and how it's employed as a means of communication. It's a very useful technology, but just by looking at your online community I can tell there are a number of things that need to be worked on in order to meet this encampment's new standards with my active duty here. Consistent use of the spell-checker and proper punctuation, and avoiding the use of bright colors, strange characters, excessive all capitals, and pictures of gorillas in lingerie, is guaranteed to increase the number of responses an entry gets. Of course, another objective is to raise the number of posts per day as well, and the only way to achieve this is if campers, counselors, and literate zombies make a joint effort to work together.
As the great majority of us have been entrapped here against our will, I can understand your reluctance to take part in this kind of activities. However, you should also be aware that cooperation is in your best interests, not only because I take my job quite seriously even in a swamp, but because it will make things much simpler for everyone involved. Posts can be used to socialize; getting to know your peers will lead to alliances that should make your stay here more pleasant and undoubtedly come in handy should you choose to partake in other endeavours, such as researching unconfirmed deaths in the history of Camp.
Then, our first activity today will consist of testing the servers' robustness. Our goal by the end of the week is to reach comment #5000 before any database errors start occurring. With everyone participating, this should be achieved in two hours in three simultaneous posts -minimum -so please do your best. Oh, and please do not think of "dropping" threads earlier than entirely necessary during this exercise. I'd rather not be forced to take measures so early in the program.
Poll Vote!