(no subject)
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE closed.
Character: Castiel
Series: Supernatural
Age: At least two thousand years old, but appears to be about 30
Job: Religious Adviser
Canon: Sure, the Ghost Busters make it look easy, but it turns out hunting down supernatural creatures and denying these dark beasts their tomorrows is a little more difficult than you’d think. Dean and Sam Winchester are a couple of brothers who know this first hand, as they’ve spent the majority of their adult lives searching out the things that go bump in the night and putting a stop to them. The fun doesn’t end there though, because we all know the real party doesn’t start up until the threat of the apocalypse is looming over the horizon. Now on top of taking out monsters, our heroes have to deal with angels, demons, and the upcoming threat of total world annihilation. In short, the shit has hit the fan, and only two not-so-ordinary men can stop it from making a total mess of the room.
Castiel is an angel of the Lord, but don’t let that give you the wrong idea about the guy. So powerful that getting a peak of his true form will burn a person’s eyes right out of their head, Castiel is a warrior of God, and takes this role very seriously. Cold, cryptic, somewhat arrogant, and a man of few words altogether, Castiel is a loyal soldier and not one that makes a habit of disobeying orders. However, there’s another side to this angel, one that genuinely comes to like his pain in the ass charge, Dean, and views humanity as a work of art. Perhaps not so heartless as you’d be led to believe, deep down Castiel does have a moral compass. But whether or not he’ll actually pay attention to it is another matter entirely.
Sample Post:
I see no further need for my assistance here. Despite your arguments otherwise, my work outside of this place is far more pressing than the job you continue to offer to me. Yes, I was made aware that you find the lack of faith within your encampment disturbing, but I am no enforcer of belief. My place is to serve the will of my Father, not to prevent your gorillas from creating sandwich board signs and use them to advertise that the end is nigh. I can perhaps understand your frustration with their behaviour, as they continue to parade this message in front of me when I’m already well aware of this fact, but my opinion hasn’t changed. The faith your inhabitants hold are their own to decide, and not mine to counsel. Though if you still seek my advice, I recommend rethinking your take on the notion that the beatings should continue until morale improves, as it seems to only drive your people further away from your acts of guidance.
You’re offering a deal now? To take me to my charge should I agree to your terms? I’ll warn you, I am not yours to command. But if it serves as a means to an end, I’ll lend my services for a brief time. Should there be any inquiries from those around, I will answer them. Your first question is wanting to know why you, all of humanity, are even here? That’s not something I’m under the authorization to disclose, and I doubt you truly want to know to answer. There were… bets involved. Nor can I speak on what the meaning of life is, although I’m led to understand that the number forty-two and fish are of great significance.
-Is this really all you want to know? Do you only require answers and cannot trust in that which is not seen? Enough, I will waste no more time here. I’ll allow one last question. You want to know what it would be like, if God was one of you-not unlike a stranger, someone you would see sitting on the bus? Then the eyes of every single passenger on that bus would be burned out of their skulls. And, despite all charades and the toucans building shrines within their nests, the woman who summoned me here is not that God among you. This will be dealt with in due time, but despite your requests, I doubt there will be any smiting involved.
Poll So?
Character name: Amasawa Chitose
Series: The Weatherman is My Lover
Age: Appears 22-23-ish.
Job: Weather Fairy
Canon: Chou-Hayaoki TV [Super Early Morning TV] is very popular, despite airing at 4 am, and this is solely due to its duo of a flamboyant, eccentric weatherman and a straight-laced newscaster. Said weatherman is always harassing his partner one way or the other, who puts all the effort he can into restraining himself and not start laughing or blushing lash out and get angry. The turbulent relationship between these two is what gives them piles of fan letters from viewers, makes their show totally comical from the start and partly is the reason why it’s still running.
Amasawa Chitose is not your average weather forecaster. He's flamboyant and happy-go-lucky, always smiling and always getting on your nerves. Generally he's a pretty male dressing up in suggestive or cute outfits to spark a reaction out of his co-worker, whom he feels is always too serious and has the same facial expression, no matter the news or weather. Not always following the advice of the meteorological agency reports handed to him for presentation, he trusts his own opinion on the weather more than anything else and seems to have this uncanny ability to always be right about it too! Chitose likes to refer to himself as a “Weather Fairy”, claiming that his hair is naturally curly and reacts to the subtle differences in each day’s atmospheric pressure and humidity level. He's also good at predicting the weather by just looking at the sky itself. Unable to stop teasing his partner during every airing time, he comes up with all sorts of improper comments, like that time he compared the colour of the sky to the newscaster's underpants. All the teasing he does is meaningful, and he claims that it’s retaliation for people being serious with him.
Sample Post: Everyone! Those of you who don't know me can call me Chitose, and I'll be your weatherman on your new news channel! Now, I believe that dressing up according to the weather is more fun than just a suit. I did the relay in my pajamas once, since the low pressure made me tired, and I think it makes it more authentic~ If you could fix me a cool costume, it'd be great!Aaand I need to know who the News Anchorman is. It says "Head Gorilla" on my schedule here, but I don't know what that means-- Oh, you in the nice violet velvet suit, you're the one?Uwaaah, great! Though, something has to be done about that hairy face. Is that really purple hair? If you can, please take the opportunity to shave.
Zombie-people with the really amazing costumes, you can handle the recording and lights. Is that fake blood? That dangling eye is absolutely incredible! You'd have to teach me to do a fake eye later! Go fetch the camera equipment it over there and we'll get on with the show. Hm? Did you just say you'll fall apart under the weight? That's nonsense, so don't try and fool me by saying your ears have fallen off, even if your dedication to your roles is commendable. If I yell loud enough to wake the dead, you can still hear me. Fufufu... yes I know it's still early, but don't complain. This is how professionals work~ ♫
Now, I know we had a newscast already planned, but I thought we could improve with some of my amazing ideas~ Reading from the TelePrompter is boring anyway, so don't worry about my lines. The audience will love it. I know exactly what I'm talking about. No, not because I control the weather-- even if that would be so AWESOME. All I can do is PREDICT IT by analyzing the sky and measuring the barometric pressure in the air.Haha, yes, it's true that sexual tension is a sort of pressure and has been playing a ~special~ part in my usual job, but I meant the air pressure causing the different types of weather. My my, aren't you one pecker-headed bird? Ah-- no, I didn't mean you should peck my head! Ow ow ow!
--huh? "You forgot the soundtrack"? Oh, of course, the jingle! But I have no-- oh, so you already have one? That's great! Let me see... "Rainy Day Man"? Aww, I like it, it's kind of catchy! But... THE SUN IS SHINING~! Ah-- sorry, I didn't mean to ruin your plans! Please don't look so down, we can save it until we have rain! Oh, you zombies have chosen some of the Grateful Dead? That's perfect, since everyone seems so into to their undead roles--! Ah, Mister Zombie, don't pull my clothes, please! Eh? A fitting for a costume designed especially for me?Yay! ... A bunny girl? But I wanted to wear a zombie costume too! Or how about a red Letterman jacket? No? Jeez... I said I wanted to choose, this is so not fair-- what?
"Occasional drizzle of underwear followed by sporadic tentacles"? I'm not so sure that's even a real weather pattern... Why, global warming does the darndest things sometimes.
Poll So?
Character: Louise Hardwich
Series: Absolute Obedience
Character Age: Unknown, but most likely very early twenties
Job: Riding instructor
Canon: Absolute Obedience is the incredibly deep, believable, and historically and anatomically accurate story of two very attractive young men who forcibly seduce other men for fun and profit in post-WWII Germany until they realize that they'd much rather seduce each other. If your definition of accuracy come from Opposite Land, at least.
Louise Hardwich is one of those two seducers. As the heir to the esteemed and powerful Hardwich family, he has essentially unlimited power in Germany. As such, he's rather arrogant, with an expectation that things will go his way, else he'll make scary yandere faces and abuse the Hardwich family's influence to ruin their lives. His hobbies are breeding thoroughbreds, collecting tea sets, and seducing attractive men.
Sample Post: Hmm…the target looks a lot grayer than in his pictures in the Director's file. He's still attractive enough, I suppose.
Welcome. My name is Louise Hardwich, and your Director has hired me to be your new riding instructor. Believe me, I believe in riding my pupils as hard as they ride their mount. But by the time I'm through with you, you'll be capable of taming even the wildest horse. Your leg muscles feel a bit weak at the moment - we'll have to work on strengthening them. A good rider has thighs that can grasp anything.
Hmm… Your enthusiasm seems somehow inadequate. I do punish pupils whose performance is lacking, you know. But perhaps I'll be merciful this once. Performing badly will still earn you punishment, but if you perform well, I'll reward you with a ride on a purebred stallion. I'll leave your punishment up to your imagination~
Before you can ride, you need to prepare your mount properly. Put the snaffle in his mouth gently. Some people do like having a bit brutally shoved into their mouth, but I doubt your horse is among them. Now, once you get on up, the most important part of riding is following the horse's rhythm. I want you to have your full attention on the way the horse feels beneath your legs. The key is controlling that strength beneath you. A rider who can't control their mount with their seat alone is worthless.
Now, the first step in putting theory into practice is how to get onto the horse. Traditionally, a mounting block is used, but it doesn't seem as though there's one convenient. I suppose I'll just have to help you up mys-
…Your ass just fell off in my hand. No, let me repeat that. Your ass fell off in my hand. I- how am I supposed to seduce someone with no ass? Why would I want to seduce someone with no ass? …It seems that the Director left some very pertinent information out of this job. I should have guessed at the start. Who keeps a summer camp in a swamp? This place is downright fetid! How am I supposed to stay in a place without even decent linens? And then you-
Well~ I suppose I shouldn't complain in front of you. Please direct me to the nearest bathroom, and we'll speak no more of this.
-I thought he'd never leave. This job is far too déclassé for my taste. Still, I should at least be able to clean my hands of his…flesh…here. What if I were to get infected from it? If absolutely any part can fall off… that's the worst thing that can happen to a man. I always thought that impotence was, but at least then you still have it. I'm going to have nightmares about that now.
Pardon me, what do you mean the showers are out of order? This is an emergency! My hands are… The showers are spraying blood? That's not a spray, that's a flood! I- kdfgjhivcubdifcvijolsdkfjlksjdf. That's it. I quit and I am leaving now. -And no, I will not stay if the showers switch to my preferred body fluids!
Poll So?
Character: Admiral ZEX
Series: Star Control II
Character Age: Roughly forty to fifty human years
Job: Marcy's Public Relations Official
Canon: Star Control II is the story of a brave human captain and his quest to save the universe, and all of the varied species in it, from enslavement and destruction at the hands of the Ur-Quan Hierarchy. Some species of aliens help him-a few even join him-but many despise our human hero. The VUX, for example: a proud and vain race of vaguely amphibious, be-tentacled bipeds who see humans as so disgustingly ugly that they cannot help but want to wipe them off the face of the universe. One exception to this racism is Admiral ZEX. The famous savior of the VUX race, and almost certainly the sole reason they survived the Great War twenty years previous, ZEX was nonetheless banished from his home planet for his love of humans and general xenophilia.
Admiral ZEX is a sophisticated, mostly pacifistic VUX with a nearly spotless military career. Eloquent, outgoing, and good-natured, he would have been every bit the debonair war hero to his people, had it not been for his love for and sexual interest in other species. Although he has nothing but disdain for his narrow-minded countrymen, he sometimes exhibits the pride and vanity for which his species is known. Still, he is quick to praise different species for their fascinating differences, and does not condescend to other races on purpose. Mostly, he wants to study other life and other civilizations, and go where no VUX has gone before-like inside the human captain's jumpsuit.
Sample Post:
Director Sayre, I cannot thank you enough for agreeing to see me in person. I must admit, your… proposal… piqued my interest, but it’s always so much more agreeable to discuss these sorts of things in the comfort of your own base, don’t you think? Mmm, I thought that you might find it a tad more personal. We are all equals, here, after all, and I've always thought that our species in particular have so much to share with each other. I know that I would be interested in anything you would care to say... or do... to start the cultural exchange.
Well, to begin, I feel I must admit that the majority of my experience lies in warfare, not social counseling-I tried to send you some information regarding my past military career, but it did not transmit correctly. It kept being converted into some sort of music file created by the human composer Barry White. I apologize for the confusion.
Though I have always been most open with other species, there have been times when my level of acceptance was not met. I understand that your Marcy is in quite the same situation, what with her passion for all the variety alien life has to offer. But humans are so clever-surely they must be more accepting than my countrymen. Perhaps they have seen Miss Marcy's “direct approach” as something slightly more threatening... an unfortunate viewpoint bred from bigotry, but not completely unfounded. I would be more than happy to raise the level of tolerance in your little land base, as well as, hopefully, become familiar with one or several other humans. One must set the example.
I am quite confident that Miss Marcy needs only to express herself in a less forward manner to elicit a more welcoming response. Humans can be so shy, especially about their bodies, and even the most well-meaning and chaste touch of the tentacle leaves them offended and an attractive shade of red. Conversation, then-perhaps a meal along with some form of innocent video entertainment-should be her next method of choice. Building relationships takes time, and I may be able to help Miss Marcy cultivate a meaningful one. I'm quite the cunning xenolinguist.
Make no mistake, my dear-I will cherish your campers. As you have no doubt heard, I am rather... fond... of your species, and I would love the chance to persuade them to be more open-minded. As for more specific methods… I leave that in your soft, capable human hands. Have you any suggestions? I can be very flexible.
…A fiancé? Ah, a male companion… why should he mind? It seems that you might have to tell me a bit more about your species. Starting with this… “monogamy.”
Poll So?
Character name: Lance
Series: 07-Ghost
Age: Mid to late twenties
Job: Tour Guide
Canon: The story kicks off with Teito, a former slave with no recollection of his past, who's preparing for the military academy's graduation exam. Sure, he passes with flying colours, but it's not too long when he wants nothing to do with the military, for good reasons. After some hellish calamity, Teito winds up in the kind hands of the church and decides to become a clergy to make exacting some revenge easier along the way. Of course, he has to accomplish this by taking yet another exam.
Lance happens to be one of the bishops in charge of organizing and overseeing the examination process. He's also a bishop that doesn't let anything get in the way of his helping others, not even his delusions of grandeur. While he might have dramatic moments that can get a wee bit out of hand from time to time, he's still a level-headed man with great ambitions. In particular, he's pretty bent on becoming Assistant Archbishop (even though his co-workers can't help but wonder if he actually understands the job or not). While he can be flighty from time to time, and has no problem pasting his face wherever he finds fitting, he'll set his ego aside to help someone in need. Lance also has a fascination with fortunes, lucky items, and traveling. It's just too bad he has a horrible sense of direction and a tendency to get himself incredibly lost. Strange quirks aside, Lance is capable of doing his job very well and usually knows exactly what he's doing.
Sample Entry:
I'm flattered you invited me to this camp, Miss Sayre. And suggesting me as the camp's Tour Guide even! While this is not as high an achievement as becoming Assistant Archbishop, I am still honored by your nomination. You will find that I will be a wonderful tour guide for the residents of this camp. Just you see, I'll have the campground memorized in no time. Soon each and every camper will know their place. I went ahead and mass-produced maps to hand to those who aren't fortunate enough to be in touch with God for guidance~ As you can see, flipping the paper over will reveal my charming features, and the first five hundred of these even come with my very own autograph. I guarantee the campers will be moved to tears and their hands will tremble under the weight of this priceless treasure in their possession. Wonderful, no?
Are these your workers? I do have some luggage that will need handling, so if they're here to take that, they can go right on ahead. There's not much in there, just a few books and my clothes, but there are some lucky items as well, so it will need to be treated with care ☆ Speaking of which, would you like your fortune read later, Miss Sayre? I have the book in my brief-- AAAAAH!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? NOT INTO THE LAKE, STOP THAT!!
--Phew, that was a close one. Your workers almost threw away my delicate luggage! If I were in charge I'd fire them on the spot. Nearly ruining my fliers like that before I get the chance to pass them out; they don't know who they're dealing with here. So...! This must be the lake. It doesn't look very... clean. I know some green to a lake means it's healthy, but it's so murky my reflection looks like a crude blob. Strange, there's subtle glow to the water, too. Could it be, this natural glow means wonderful fortune will follow me for the rest of my stay at this camp...? It looks like this camp is already aware of my greatness!
Now then, if I've seen all there is to see, I'd like to move on with my work. I'd be more than glad to demonstrate my magnificent abilities for you right now if you'd like. There's no need for me to practice if there isn't anything that needs perfected. After all, being helpful is my nature ♥ With me giving tours, your camp will suddenly become more appealing than ever. Why, campers will spot me and my presence will open their eyes to a whole new view of camp! "Oh how blessed I am to enjoy camp life thanks to someone as wonderful as Bishop Lance," they'll exclaim, "surely he'll assist me!" After they overcome their shock and awe, if I'm still there, they'll rush over to me and ask for my guidance, which I will gladly give.
Cabins are in that direction? I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a volcano instead... Wait, we came from that direction! Hahaha, no worries, I'll figure it out soon enough. ☆
Poll So?
Character Name: Yorick Brown
Series: Y: The Last Man
Character Age: 26
Job: Instructor in Escapology
Canon: In the year 2002, the world changed forever. Every single male human and mammal on the planet suddenly, and inexplicably, died on the spot. The world and its remaining population of women grinds to a halt, with society falling into shambles with the sudden extinction of half the population. But wait, did all the men really die? No! And what kind of man is it that survives a global gendercide… a heroic, dashing, finely sculpted piece of masculinity? Nah. The last two things on Earth with a Y chromosome are an unemployed English major-slash-amateur escape artist, Yorick Brown, and his capuchin monkey, Ampersand.
Yorick is just about the least likely person you’d expect to survive the end of the male world. Hitting the road with a government agent and a bioengineer, Yorick is more concerned with finding his girlfriend in Australia than solving the mysteries of the plague. But that’s not to say Yorick doesn’t care about that. He can be a smartass at times, and will fling pop culture references around like nobody’s business, but he’s just a decent guy trying to make the best of a bad situation. He’s loyal to his friends and his moral beliefs. This same decent attitude can lead him to jump into trouble recklessly, which is not really advisable when you’re the last dude alive. Still, he usually gets out of dangerous situations okay; after all, he is an escape artist.
Note: Yorick is being taken from around volume 8 of the story, four years after the plague kills all the men.
Sample Post
Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight. The woman running this place, who no one can ever find, not even behind the curtain, needs some staff to help out. And by “staff” I’m guessing she means “whoever she can grab off the road” because I sure as hell didn’t sign up for this. Don’t get me wrong - if someone had walked up to me four years ago and said “Hey man, I want to pay you to escape from things” then I’d have been all over it. But I still would’ve expected a summer camp to be more, you know… summery, instead of prison-y. Because I’ve gotta tell you, the whole Great Escape crap isn’t really my thing.
But I’ve got nothing against the rest of you ladies. Being trapped in this place doesn’t look like fun, and you look like you all need a few square meals. It might even be a last supper at this point. I’ll make you a deal though. I know I’m meant to be showing you all how to escape being tied between two poles, but if you let me down from here I know a great doctor who can give you checkups for-uh, yeah. I know I’m a bit of a rare sight these days, so the staring isn’t new… just a bit on the creepy, Dawn of the Dead side. And you can put the presents down, honest. The best gift you can give me this Christmas in July is my freedom. So I-oh Jesus Christ, that’s what you wanted to give me?! I swear to God I don’t need any dicks in a box, I’ve still got mine and it isn’t fucking rotting! Whatever corpse you stole that from might’ve needed that in the afterlife. Also, it’s nasty.
Shit, okay. I’m in the middle of nowhere, chained up with some George A. Romero extras sacrificing old penises to me. Maybe if I do what that crazy Director wanted I can get away. A job well-done is its own reward, etcetera. So. So hey, if you’re done harvesting human horns, watch and see how it’s done. Ropes like this are pretty easy, it’s all in the wrists. It’s nowhere near as hard as getting out of a straitjacket while upside down-and no, that’s not for the next class. That’s for teacher to decide, and teacher thinks he needs a damn curriculum day tomorrow. Anyway, if you just move like this…
Well, the chanting’s a bit weird, but if that’s how the audience wants to roll. You can hold your applause until the performance is over. This’d be easier if I knew where my monkey was, I haven’t seen the guy since I got here. Anyone seen him? He’s a little capuchin monkey, likes long walks on the beach and throwing his shit at you. The greenish chick at the back, what’re you pointing at-oh. Oh, fuck, that’s the biggest gorilla I’ve ever seen. I am so not okay with doing a reverse King Kong scenario. Seriously, I don’t have Fay Wray’s screaming power, nor am I that pretty!
So if none of you mind, I’ll just be getting out of these ropes right the hell now and hightailing it out of here. You might’ve turned me into a monkey’s uncle with this whole business, but there’s no way I’ll be a monkey’s sugar-daddy too.
Poll So?
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE closed.
Character: Castiel
Series: Supernatural
Age: At least two thousand years old, but appears to be about 30
Job: Religious Adviser
Canon: Sure, the Ghost Busters make it look easy, but it turns out hunting down supernatural creatures and denying these dark beasts their tomorrows is a little more difficult than you’d think. Dean and Sam Winchester are a couple of brothers who know this first hand, as they’ve spent the majority of their adult lives searching out the things that go bump in the night and putting a stop to them. The fun doesn’t end there though, because we all know the real party doesn’t start up until the threat of the apocalypse is looming over the horizon. Now on top of taking out monsters, our heroes have to deal with angels, demons, and the upcoming threat of total world annihilation. In short, the shit has hit the fan, and only two not-so-ordinary men can stop it from making a total mess of the room.
Castiel is an angel of the Lord, but don’t let that give you the wrong idea about the guy. So powerful that getting a peak of his true form will burn a person’s eyes right out of their head, Castiel is a warrior of God, and takes this role very seriously. Cold, cryptic, somewhat arrogant, and a man of few words altogether, Castiel is a loyal soldier and not one that makes a habit of disobeying orders. However, there’s another side to this angel, one that genuinely comes to like his pain in the ass charge, Dean, and views humanity as a work of art. Perhaps not so heartless as you’d be led to believe, deep down Castiel does have a moral compass. But whether or not he’ll actually pay attention to it is another matter entirely.
Sample Post:
I see no further need for my assistance here. Despite your arguments otherwise, my work outside of this place is far more pressing than the job you continue to offer to me. Yes, I was made aware that you find the lack of faith within your encampment disturbing, but I am no enforcer of belief. My place is to serve the will of my Father, not to prevent your gorillas from creating sandwich board signs and use them to advertise that the end is nigh. I can perhaps understand your frustration with their behaviour, as they continue to parade this message in front of me when I’m already well aware of this fact, but my opinion hasn’t changed. The faith your inhabitants hold are their own to decide, and not mine to counsel. Though if you still seek my advice, I recommend rethinking your take on the notion that the beatings should continue until morale improves, as it seems to only drive your people further away from your acts of guidance.
You’re offering a deal now? To take me to my charge should I agree to your terms? I’ll warn you, I am not yours to command. But if it serves as a means to an end, I’ll lend my services for a brief time. Should there be any inquiries from those around, I will answer them. Your first question is wanting to know why you, all of humanity, are even here? That’s not something I’m under the authorization to disclose, and I doubt you truly want to know to answer. There were… bets involved. Nor can I speak on what the meaning of life is, although I’m led to understand that the number forty-two and fish are of great significance.
-Is this really all you want to know? Do you only require answers and cannot trust in that which is not seen? Enough, I will waste no more time here. I’ll allow one last question. You want to know what it would be like, if God was one of you-not unlike a stranger, someone you would see sitting on the bus? Then the eyes of every single passenger on that bus would be burned out of their skulls. And, despite all charades and the toucans building shrines within their nests, the woman who summoned me here is not that God among you. This will be dealt with in due time, but despite your requests, I doubt there will be any smiting involved.
Poll So?
Character name: Amasawa Chitose
Series: The Weatherman is My Lover
Age: Appears 22-23-ish.
Job: Weather Fairy
Canon: Chou-Hayaoki TV [Super Early Morning TV] is very popular, despite airing at 4 am, and this is solely due to its duo of a flamboyant, eccentric weatherman and a straight-laced newscaster. Said weatherman is always harassing his partner one way or the other, who puts all the effort he can into restraining himself and not start laughing or blushing lash out and get angry. The turbulent relationship between these two is what gives them piles of fan letters from viewers, makes their show totally comical from the start and partly is the reason why it’s still running.
Amasawa Chitose is not your average weather forecaster. He's flamboyant and happy-go-lucky, always smiling and always getting on your nerves. Generally he's a pretty male dressing up in suggestive or cute outfits to spark a reaction out of his co-worker, whom he feels is always too serious and has the same facial expression, no matter the news or weather. Not always following the advice of the meteorological agency reports handed to him for presentation, he trusts his own opinion on the weather more than anything else and seems to have this uncanny ability to always be right about it too! Chitose likes to refer to himself as a “Weather Fairy”, claiming that his hair is naturally curly and reacts to the subtle differences in each day’s atmospheric pressure and humidity level. He's also good at predicting the weather by just looking at the sky itself. Unable to stop teasing his partner during every airing time, he comes up with all sorts of improper comments, like that time he compared the colour of the sky to the newscaster's underpants. All the teasing he does is meaningful, and he claims that it’s retaliation for people being serious with him.
Sample Post: Everyone! Those of you who don't know me can call me Chitose, and I'll be your weatherman on your new news channel! Now, I believe that dressing up according to the weather is more fun than just a suit. I did the relay in my pajamas once, since the low pressure made me tired, and I think it makes it more authentic~ If you could fix me a cool costume, it'd be great!Aaand I need to know who the News Anchorman is. It says "Head Gorilla" on my schedule here, but I don't know what that means-- Oh, you in the nice violet velvet suit, you're the one?Uwaaah, great! Though, something has to be done about that hairy face. Is that really purple hair? If you can, please take the opportunity to shave.
Zombie-people with the really amazing costumes, you can handle the recording and lights. Is that fake blood? That dangling eye is absolutely incredible! You'd have to teach me to do a fake eye later! Go fetch the camera equipment it over there and we'll get on with the show. Hm? Did you just say you'll fall apart under the weight? That's nonsense, so don't try and fool me by saying your ears have fallen off, even if your dedication to your roles is commendable. If I yell loud enough to wake the dead, you can still hear me. Fufufu... yes I know it's still early, but don't complain. This is how professionals work~ ♫
Now, I know we had a newscast already planned, but I thought we could improve with some of my amazing ideas~ Reading from the TelePrompter is boring anyway, so don't worry about my lines. The audience will love it. I know exactly what I'm talking about. No, not because I control the weather-- even if that would be so AWESOME. All I can do is PREDICT IT by analyzing the sky and measuring the barometric pressure in the air.Haha, yes, it's true that sexual tension is a sort of pressure and has been playing a ~special~ part in my usual job, but I meant the air pressure causing the different types of weather. My my, aren't you one pecker-headed bird? Ah-- no, I didn't mean you should peck my head! Ow ow ow!
--huh? "You forgot the soundtrack"? Oh, of course, the jingle! But I have no-- oh, so you already have one? That's great! Let me see... "Rainy Day Man"? Aww, I like it, it's kind of catchy! But... THE SUN IS SHINING~! Ah-- sorry, I didn't mean to ruin your plans! Please don't look so down, we can save it until we have rain! Oh, you zombies have chosen some of the Grateful Dead? That's perfect, since everyone seems so into to their undead roles--! Ah, Mister Zombie, don't pull my clothes, please! Eh? A fitting for a costume designed especially for me?Yay! ... A bunny girl? But I wanted to wear a zombie costume too! Or how about a red Letterman jacket? No? Jeez... I said I wanted to choose, this is so not fair-- what?
"Occasional drizzle of underwear followed by sporadic tentacles"? I'm not so sure that's even a real weather pattern... Why, global warming does the darndest things sometimes.
Poll So?
Character: Louise Hardwich
Series: Absolute Obedience
Character Age: Unknown, but most likely very early twenties
Job: Riding instructor
Canon: Absolute Obedience is the incredibly deep, believable, and historically and anatomically accurate story of two very attractive young men who forcibly seduce other men for fun and profit in post-WWII Germany until they realize that they'd much rather seduce each other. If your definition of accuracy come from Opposite Land, at least.
Louise Hardwich is one of those two seducers. As the heir to the esteemed and powerful Hardwich family, he has essentially unlimited power in Germany. As such, he's rather arrogant, with an expectation that things will go his way, else he'll make scary yandere faces and abuse the Hardwich family's influence to ruin their lives. His hobbies are breeding thoroughbreds, collecting tea sets, and seducing attractive men.
Sample Post: Hmm…the target looks a lot grayer than in his pictures in the Director's file. He's still attractive enough, I suppose.
Welcome. My name is Louise Hardwich, and your Director has hired me to be your new riding instructor. Believe me, I believe in riding my pupils as hard as they ride their mount. But by the time I'm through with you, you'll be capable of taming even the wildest horse. Your leg muscles feel a bit weak at the moment - we'll have to work on strengthening them. A good rider has thighs that can grasp anything.
Hmm… Your enthusiasm seems somehow inadequate. I do punish pupils whose performance is lacking, you know. But perhaps I'll be merciful this once. Performing badly will still earn you punishment, but if you perform well, I'll reward you with a ride on a purebred stallion. I'll leave your punishment up to your imagination~
Before you can ride, you need to prepare your mount properly. Put the snaffle in his mouth gently. Some people do like having a bit brutally shoved into their mouth, but I doubt your horse is among them. Now, once you get on up, the most important part of riding is following the horse's rhythm. I want you to have your full attention on the way the horse feels beneath your legs. The key is controlling that strength beneath you. A rider who can't control their mount with their seat alone is worthless.
Now, the first step in putting theory into practice is how to get onto the horse. Traditionally, a mounting block is used, but it doesn't seem as though there's one convenient. I suppose I'll just have to help you up mys-
…Your ass just fell off in my hand. No, let me repeat that. Your ass fell off in my hand. I- how am I supposed to seduce someone with no ass? Why would I want to seduce someone with no ass? …It seems that the Director left some very pertinent information out of this job. I should have guessed at the start. Who keeps a summer camp in a swamp? This place is downright fetid! How am I supposed to stay in a place without even decent linens? And then you-
Well~ I suppose I shouldn't complain in front of you. Please direct me to the nearest bathroom, and we'll speak no more of this.
-I thought he'd never leave. This job is far too déclassé for my taste. Still, I should at least be able to clean my hands of his…flesh…here. What if I were to get infected from it? If absolutely any part can fall off… that's the worst thing that can happen to a man. I always thought that impotence was, but at least then you still have it. I'm going to have nightmares about that now.
Pardon me, what do you mean the showers are out of order? This is an emergency! My hands are… The showers are spraying blood? That's not a spray, that's a flood! I- kdfgjhivcubdifcvijolsdkfjlksjdf. That's it. I quit and I am leaving now. -And no, I will not stay if the showers switch to my preferred body fluids!
Poll So?
Character: Admiral ZEX
Series: Star Control II
Character Age: Roughly forty to fifty human years
Job: Marcy's Public Relations Official
Canon: Star Control II is the story of a brave human captain and his quest to save the universe, and all of the varied species in it, from enslavement and destruction at the hands of the Ur-Quan Hierarchy. Some species of aliens help him-a few even join him-but many despise our human hero. The VUX, for example: a proud and vain race of vaguely amphibious, be-tentacled bipeds who see humans as so disgustingly ugly that they cannot help but want to wipe them off the face of the universe. One exception to this racism is Admiral ZEX. The famous savior of the VUX race, and almost certainly the sole reason they survived the Great War twenty years previous, ZEX was nonetheless banished from his home planet for his love of humans and general xenophilia.
Admiral ZEX is a sophisticated, mostly pacifistic VUX with a nearly spotless military career. Eloquent, outgoing, and good-natured, he would have been every bit the debonair war hero to his people, had it not been for his love for and sexual interest in other species. Although he has nothing but disdain for his narrow-minded countrymen, he sometimes exhibits the pride and vanity for which his species is known. Still, he is quick to praise different species for their fascinating differences, and does not condescend to other races on purpose. Mostly, he wants to study other life and other civilizations, and go where no VUX has gone before-like inside the human captain's jumpsuit.
Sample Post:
Director Sayre, I cannot thank you enough for agreeing to see me in person. I must admit, your… proposal… piqued my interest, but it’s always so much more agreeable to discuss these sorts of things in the comfort of your own base, don’t you think? Mmm, I thought that you might find it a tad more personal. We are all equals, here, after all, and I've always thought that our species in particular have so much to share with each other. I know that I would be interested in anything you would care to say... or do... to start the cultural exchange.
Well, to begin, I feel I must admit that the majority of my experience lies in warfare, not social counseling-I tried to send you some information regarding my past military career, but it did not transmit correctly. It kept being converted into some sort of music file created by the human composer Barry White. I apologize for the confusion.
Though I have always been most open with other species, there have been times when my level of acceptance was not met. I understand that your Marcy is in quite the same situation, what with her passion for all the variety alien life has to offer. But humans are so clever-surely they must be more accepting than my countrymen. Perhaps they have seen Miss Marcy's “direct approach” as something slightly more threatening... an unfortunate viewpoint bred from bigotry, but not completely unfounded. I would be more than happy to raise the level of tolerance in your little land base, as well as, hopefully, become familiar with one or several other humans. One must set the example.
I am quite confident that Miss Marcy needs only to express herself in a less forward manner to elicit a more welcoming response. Humans can be so shy, especially about their bodies, and even the most well-meaning and chaste touch of the tentacle leaves them offended and an attractive shade of red. Conversation, then-perhaps a meal along with some form of innocent video entertainment-should be her next method of choice. Building relationships takes time, and I may be able to help Miss Marcy cultivate a meaningful one. I'm quite the cunning xenolinguist.
Make no mistake, my dear-I will cherish your campers. As you have no doubt heard, I am rather... fond... of your species, and I would love the chance to persuade them to be more open-minded. As for more specific methods… I leave that in your soft, capable human hands. Have you any suggestions? I can be very flexible.
…A fiancé? Ah, a male companion… why should he mind? It seems that you might have to tell me a bit more about your species. Starting with this… “monogamy.”
Poll So?
Character name: Lance
Series: 07-Ghost
Age: Mid to late twenties
Job: Tour Guide
Canon: The story kicks off with Teito, a former slave with no recollection of his past, who's preparing for the military academy's graduation exam. Sure, he passes with flying colours, but it's not too long when he wants nothing to do with the military, for good reasons. After some hellish calamity, Teito winds up in the kind hands of the church and decides to become a clergy to make exacting some revenge easier along the way. Of course, he has to accomplish this by taking yet another exam.
Lance happens to be one of the bishops in charge of organizing and overseeing the examination process. He's also a bishop that doesn't let anything get in the way of his helping others, not even his delusions of grandeur. While he might have dramatic moments that can get a wee bit out of hand from time to time, he's still a level-headed man with great ambitions. In particular, he's pretty bent on becoming Assistant Archbishop (even though his co-workers can't help but wonder if he actually understands the job or not). While he can be flighty from time to time, and has no problem pasting his face wherever he finds fitting, he'll set his ego aside to help someone in need. Lance also has a fascination with fortunes, lucky items, and traveling. It's just too bad he has a horrible sense of direction and a tendency to get himself incredibly lost. Strange quirks aside, Lance is capable of doing his job very well and usually knows exactly what he's doing.
Sample Entry:
I'm flattered you invited me to this camp, Miss Sayre. And suggesting me as the camp's Tour Guide even! While this is not as high an achievement as becoming Assistant Archbishop, I am still honored by your nomination. You will find that I will be a wonderful tour guide for the residents of this camp. Just you see, I'll have the campground memorized in no time. Soon each and every camper will know their place. I went ahead and mass-produced maps to hand to those who aren't fortunate enough to be in touch with God for guidance~ As you can see, flipping the paper over will reveal my charming features, and the first five hundred of these even come with my very own autograph. I guarantee the campers will be moved to tears and their hands will tremble under the weight of this priceless treasure in their possession. Wonderful, no?
Are these your workers? I do have some luggage that will need handling, so if they're here to take that, they can go right on ahead. There's not much in there, just a few books and my clothes, but there are some lucky items as well, so it will need to be treated with care ☆ Speaking of which, would you like your fortune read later, Miss Sayre? I have the book in my brief-- AAAAAH!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? NOT INTO THE LAKE, STOP THAT!!
--Phew, that was a close one. Your workers almost threw away my delicate luggage! If I were in charge I'd fire them on the spot. Nearly ruining my fliers like that before I get the chance to pass them out; they don't know who they're dealing with here. So...! This must be the lake. It doesn't look very... clean. I know some green to a lake means it's healthy, but it's so murky my reflection looks like a crude blob. Strange, there's subtle glow to the water, too. Could it be, this natural glow means wonderful fortune will follow me for the rest of my stay at this camp...? It looks like this camp is already aware of my greatness!
Now then, if I've seen all there is to see, I'd like to move on with my work. I'd be more than glad to demonstrate my magnificent abilities for you right now if you'd like. There's no need for me to practice if there isn't anything that needs perfected. After all, being helpful is my nature ♥ With me giving tours, your camp will suddenly become more appealing than ever. Why, campers will spot me and my presence will open their eyes to a whole new view of camp! "Oh how blessed I am to enjoy camp life thanks to someone as wonderful as Bishop Lance," they'll exclaim, "surely he'll assist me!" After they overcome their shock and awe, if I'm still there, they'll rush over to me and ask for my guidance, which I will gladly give.
Cabins are in that direction? I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a volcano instead... Wait, we came from that direction! Hahaha, no worries, I'll figure it out soon enough. ☆
Poll So?
Character Name: Yorick Brown
Series: Y: The Last Man
Character Age: 26
Job: Instructor in Escapology
Canon: In the year 2002, the world changed forever. Every single male human and mammal on the planet suddenly, and inexplicably, died on the spot. The world and its remaining population of women grinds to a halt, with society falling into shambles with the sudden extinction of half the population. But wait, did all the men really die? No! And what kind of man is it that survives a global gendercide… a heroic, dashing, finely sculpted piece of masculinity? Nah. The last two things on Earth with a Y chromosome are an unemployed English major-slash-amateur escape artist, Yorick Brown, and his capuchin monkey, Ampersand.
Yorick is just about the least likely person you’d expect to survive the end of the male world. Hitting the road with a government agent and a bioengineer, Yorick is more concerned with finding his girlfriend in Australia than solving the mysteries of the plague. But that’s not to say Yorick doesn’t care about that. He can be a smartass at times, and will fling pop culture references around like nobody’s business, but he’s just a decent guy trying to make the best of a bad situation. He’s loyal to his friends and his moral beliefs. This same decent attitude can lead him to jump into trouble recklessly, which is not really advisable when you’re the last dude alive. Still, he usually gets out of dangerous situations okay; after all, he is an escape artist.
Note: Yorick is being taken from around volume 8 of the story, four years after the plague kills all the men.
Sample Post
Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight. The woman running this place, who no one can ever find, not even behind the curtain, needs some staff to help out. And by “staff” I’m guessing she means “whoever she can grab off the road” because I sure as hell didn’t sign up for this. Don’t get me wrong - if someone had walked up to me four years ago and said “Hey man, I want to pay you to escape from things” then I’d have been all over it. But I still would’ve expected a summer camp to be more, you know… summery, instead of prison-y. Because I’ve gotta tell you, the whole Great Escape crap isn’t really my thing.
But I’ve got nothing against the rest of you ladies. Being trapped in this place doesn’t look like fun, and you look like you all need a few square meals. It might even be a last supper at this point. I’ll make you a deal though. I know I’m meant to be showing you all how to escape being tied between two poles, but if you let me down from here I know a great doctor who can give you checkups for-uh, yeah. I know I’m a bit of a rare sight these days, so the staring isn’t new… just a bit on the creepy, Dawn of the Dead side. And you can put the presents down, honest. The best gift you can give me this Christmas in July is my freedom. So I-oh Jesus Christ, that’s what you wanted to give me?! I swear to God I don’t need any dicks in a box, I’ve still got mine and it isn’t fucking rotting! Whatever corpse you stole that from might’ve needed that in the afterlife. Also, it’s nasty.
Shit, okay. I’m in the middle of nowhere, chained up with some George A. Romero extras sacrificing old penises to me. Maybe if I do what that crazy Director wanted I can get away. A job well-done is its own reward, etcetera. So. So hey, if you’re done harvesting human horns, watch and see how it’s done. Ropes like this are pretty easy, it’s all in the wrists. It’s nowhere near as hard as getting out of a straitjacket while upside down-and no, that’s not for the next class. That’s for teacher to decide, and teacher thinks he needs a damn curriculum day tomorrow. Anyway, if you just move like this…
Well, the chanting’s a bit weird, but if that’s how the audience wants to roll. You can hold your applause until the performance is over. This’d be easier if I knew where my monkey was, I haven’t seen the guy since I got here. Anyone seen him? He’s a little capuchin monkey, likes long walks on the beach and throwing his shit at you. The greenish chick at the back, what’re you pointing at-oh. Oh, fuck, that’s the biggest gorilla I’ve ever seen. I am so not okay with doing a reverse King Kong scenario. Seriously, I don’t have Fay Wray’s screaming power, nor am I that pretty!
So if none of you mind, I’ll just be getting out of these ropes right the hell now and hightailing it out of here. You might’ve turned me into a monkey’s uncle with this whole business, but there’s no way I’ll be a monkey’s sugar-daddy too.
Poll So?