(no subject)
HELLO CAMP.
This is your first batch of counselor apps! Please vote when you can and be patient because we have a lot of them. Also, at the moment, I am the only mod around to post apps. PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME, Yzak and Eryne will be back later tonight. ;o; everyone wish Box good luck on finals and hope Biz feels better!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED.
Character: Isaak Fernand von Kämpfer
Series: Trinity Blood
Age: Unknown, but appears to be in his thirties.
Job: Parenting Counselor
Canon: Crusniks, Methuselah, and Terrans, oh my! Nine hundred years after Armageddon, the world is a mess. Trying to bring some semblance of order to what remains of the world is the Vatican, which fights to protect humanity, and the Methuselahen Empire, which defends the interests of the vampires. Peace can seem like a pipe dream in a place like this, especially when there are secret organizations that wish to remake the world in their own image. The Rosenkreuz Orden manipulates events from the shadows, in order to move toward their goal of renewing the world by fire.
Isaak Fernand von Kämpfer is the second-in-command of the Rosenkreuz Orden. He is the consummate planner, with plots within plots and goals that are often much different than they seem on the surface. While he is largely unemotional about his work, Isaak does have his little pleasures, such as enjoying fine wine, reading poetry and literature, listening to and playing classical music, and inserting relevant quotations into conversations whenever possible. Isaak does his best to cultivate things that interest him, including people such as Dietrich von Lohengrin, whom Isaak took in as his protege and basically raised. Isaak is also very good at masking his crazy and pretending to be entirely harmless and friendly. His mask is always flawless, and he makes an excellent suave and debonair gentleman . . . as long as the other party continues to remain useful.
Note: 'Isaac Butler' is the name that Isaak is currently going by.
Sample Entry:
"A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp." --Raymond Duncan.
From what I can observe, I'm afraid that Mr. Duncan's words have proven to be true. What an unfortunate set of circumstances for all involved. If I may be so bold as to introduce myself, I am Isaac Butler, recently arrived from . . . well, if what I've learned is correct, knowing the name of the place won't be of much help to the majority of you. While the ethics behind snatching children without warning certainly are questionable, I can't help but wonder about the means through which it was done . . . ah, pardon me. Despite my own interest in such topics, I'm sure any scientific ramblings would bore all of the young people here. You have much more pressing concerns than the potential behind extra-dimensional travel. In fact, it is those very concerns that I have been brought here to speak with you about.
I am apparently here to provide you with advice from my own experiences with parenting. However, I'm almost embarrassed to say that I have so little to contribute to this discussion. I'm afraid that some sort of mistake must have been made, because I have neither fathered nor raised any children. Offering general advice is the limit of what a bachelor such as myself can do. Besides, with the exception of a few of the zombies and gorillas who have gathered, I have not yet seen any of the pregnant ladies and gentlemen that I was told would be here. Should I take the zombies to be a sign that 'Camp Fuck You Die' was meant much more literally than I originally supposed? Of course, camp itself has not been the comfortable and enriching environment for infants that I was told it would be, in any case. Although, the zombies do seem to be better able to adapt to swamp life than humans are. I suppose that if you can't change the environment, then there is only one other choice.
In the end, there really is nothing for it but to provide all of you with what advice I can. I did take the time to familiarize myself with the surprisingly small section of your library on pregnancy and child-rearing. Ten copies of the same book did seem to be a strange choice, but I suppose it is understandable if “What to Expect When You're Not Expecting” is the definitive volume on the subject. It gives very practical advice, and much of it is common sense. I'm sure that all of you are prepared for your life to change completely and have taken logical steps such as receiving proper prenatal and postnatal care, establishing a connection with your child, and making sure that the child always has time to play and learn. However, the book does suggest working to destroy the world and resurrecting the dead as appropriate educational games, so you may wish to employ your own judgment before implementing anything.
Now, I did bring a few celebratory bottles of wine to share with those of you who are not currently gravid. Please, take a glass and pass it to . . . ah. I'm afraid that wine is not developmentally appropriate for even zombie infants. A vintage as fine as this would be entirely wasted on such an undeveloped palate.
Poll Vote!
Character: Gracia Hughes
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist
Character Age: Thirties
Job: Camp Mom
Canon: In a world where alchemy isn't just a theory, two
brothers perform a forbidden technique called human transformation to
bring their mother back to life. When things go horribly wrong,
resulting in the loss of body parts, these two brothers, Edward and
Alphonse Elric go on a quest to return their bodies back to normal.
During their journey, they make several friends and fight a group of
enemies who only want to use them for their Evil Plan. It's tough, but
these kids are willing to face the danger and challenges head on,
kicking ass and learning important life lessons along the way.
One of those friends is Gracia, the loyal wife of military man, Maes
Hughes. She's a sweet, caring woman who looks out for the brothers and
their childhood friend; offering up her home and a listening ear
should they ever need it. She's gentle and calm, and a pretty
understanding person. Gracia's also a great mother who loves her
family something fierce and is very patient with her husband's antics.
Even when tragedy strikes in the form of Hughes being murdered, she
does her best to stay strong for her daughter and smile so as not to
burden anyone. Overall, she's a warm, friendly, motherly person with a
very kind and very good heart. She's also a great cook who can make
apple pies that'll knock your socks off.
Sample Entry:
Hello, everyone! To be honest, I was expecting you all to be a little
younger and not quite so green, but that's all right. My name is
Gracia and I'm here to be your Camp Mom. If any of you ever need to
talk to someone about anything, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm a
pretty good listener and I've even got lots of practice with giving
hugs in case anyone ever wants one. I promise I don't bite. Now, I had
a few activities prepared for us to do, although I'm not sure if any
of you would still be interested...? -Ah, you are? That's
wonderful! Just give me a few minutes to set things up and then we'll
be all ready to go.
The first thing I wanted you to try is papier-mâché. I know it's a bit
messy, but I thought it would be a fitting for camp activity and
sometimes it can be fun to get your hands dirty, right? And it is a
bit early, yes, but since Christmas is coming up, I thought making
ornaments for your Christmas trees would be kind of neat. Let me just
explain how it works and then everyone can get started. The first
thing you want to do is take your strips of paper and dip them in the
mixture that I've made, making sure that they're coated completely.
Once that's done, grab one of the small balls I have over
here-I'm sorry, I couldn't find any balloons, so we'll have to
make do with these-and start covering them! It's fairly simple,
but make sure that you don't make more than four layers. Otherwise,
the balls might get crushed under the weight and the paper won't dry
all the way which means we won't be able to decorate them. ...Does
anyone have any questions? OK, go ahead and start, then!
See? It's pretty fun, isn't it? For those of you that are done, you
can set your ornaments here to dry. I have extras if you want to make
more than-oh, my. I suppose I should have mentioned this
earlier, but please don't eat the mixture! It does have glue in it and
I don't want any of you to get sick. ...No, I am most definitely not
joking, so if you won't stop, I'm going to have to ask you to come
over here and sit by me. You can just watch, all right? And you over
there. Brian, was it? ...Braaaiiinnnsss, my mistake. I need you to
stop coating yourself with paper. Those weren't the balls I was
talking about and it's going to be difficult enough as it is to get
the mixture off of your hands, let alone certain other parts of you.
And I shouldn't have to mention how very inappropriate that is!
Please, put your pants back on.
...Is everyone's finished? Great! Why don't we all get cleaned up and
have a snack? I baked some pies earlier, so we can split them. There
are a couple other things that we can try later, but for now, how
about I tell you all a story while you're eating? It's about a man I
once knew, and it goes something like this...
Once upon a time, there was a brave man who fought for his country.
He was very strong and handsome, and had a big heart.
Poll Vote!
Character: Franky
Series: One Piece
Character Age: 34
Job: Construction and Demolitions
Canon: SO YOU WANNA BE A PIRATE? HOW ABOUT THE KING OF PIRATES? Then you better get on that boat and sail the Grand Line! One Piece is a shounen manga about the Straw Hat Pirates' journey to find a treasure called the One Piece, since if you find it you become the king of pirates. Naturally, as the group travels along, they add new crew members - one such new member being Franky, the shipwright.
Franky is originally introduced as an antagonistic gang-leading thug who makes enemies with the Straw Hats. He's blunt, strong-willed, loud, full of ego, and is 100% his own man - and you can't tell him what to do, he'll kick your ass because he's FRRRAAAAAANKY! However, after one gets past the intimidating outside, his true nature shows through - Franky is the big brother that will adopt you, no matter who you are, and cry an ocean of tears over your sad backstory. He'll beat all those bad guys up for you, smack you for being stupid, and make you believe in yourself. But the important thing here is, how cool is a fire-breathing, cola-fuelled cyborg? SUPER cool. Actually, he's been super cool all week, as his running joke would say.
Note: Franky can build and repair other things besides ships!
Sample Post:
'EY! Worm Eye and Exposed Ribcage! Yeah, you two - don't gimme that dumb "but my name is Braaaains" face. The director lady hired me to build a dock here. Not just any dock, though, since she could've gotten anyone to do that. So she hired me to build her a SUPER dock, with deck chairs and umbrellas that pop out with the push of a button! And a little boat I designed, too. The finish on the boat wasn't as great as it could have been, and I was gonna fix it, but what do I find? You two standing beside a bunch of splinters floating in the water! NOBODY rips apart my work, you got that?! I'll put you back in the ground for wastin' my time like this, and you'll never come back up again.
Oh, what's this? Not so tough now, are w- OI! What kind of idiot throws his HEAD at someone? The fish 'round here like their flesh living, but I'll feed you to them anyways for tryin' a stupid move like that on me. You gotta do these things the right way - full force, with a SUPER style and a perfect score! Come on, let it out, or I won't be satisfied. And don't even try to get me from behind, either.
Feh, givin' up? You didn't look like much of a man anyways - what with body parts missin' and whatever. S'okay to be intimidated by a super physique like mine! Those robo-cows are little pieces of scrap compared to a real cyborg, and a real cyborg is nothing compared to FRRRAAAANKY! ... are you even listening to me, Worm Eye? Wait, where the hell did you go?
You went and got Ribcage's head back? T-that's... that's so kind of you! You really care about him, huh? N-no, I'm not cryin'! Not cryin' at all, damn it! I'm just touched! These are tears of INSPIRATION! Please listen to my song, "Two Zombies, One Head!" ♪ Some people say "I love you," some even shout it out, but zombies do it by reattaching each other's body parts~ ♪ ... Or not, since you're EATING HIM, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?! Forget all this, I've got work to do. I've been easily distracted all week, damn it.
Oi, you already chickened out of our fight. Now what the hell do you want? "Braaaains?" HAH! You can't eat me, I'll break whatever teeth you have left - 'specially my 100% metal head! Yeah, I bet you can't bite through these SUPER brains of steel. Heh, you're free to try - but I’ll cook you over-easy and scramble your buddy there. Franky Style! OH YEAH!
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan
Series: Bones
Character Age: 33
Job: Forensic Zombologist
Canon: A bag of bones may mean nothing to you, but to Temperance Brennan, they reveal the truth. As a forensic anthropologist working out of the Jeffersonian Institution, she works in conjunction with the FBI to solve murders. Along with her highly-skilled team of scientists, they work out the cause of death when the state of the corpse leaves it difficult to identify.
Temperance is the driving force of her team, always seeking the truth, because it’s the most important part of all situations. Others perceive her as detached from her work-even among other forensic anthropologists-approaching crime scenes and those involved with a seeming lack of empathy. Her way of speaking is often convoluted, yet somehow very blunt, using many anthropological terms to force that detachment. But in truth, she’s the most involved of all, wanting nothing more than to help these people after their deaths. In general, Temperance is extremely socially awkward, failing to understand people’s motivations, relationships, as well as her own feelings. On top of this, she’s often disconnected from societal norms, such as popular culture and tends toward idiom blending, but knows a lot about how distant villages sometimes engage in ritualistic cannibalism. Much of her behavior is comedic: Temperance sometimes arrogantly announces the extent of her intelligence and looks down on those with less (but hey, if it’s the truth ...).She may not always get people around her, but she’s not without her follies of understanding and sometimes competitive nature. No matter what, though, she keeps on trucking to seek the truth-and if you’re just guessing, she may just have a bone to pick with you.
Sample Post:
Thank you everyone for attempting to take your seats, but with your inflexible joints and the uncomfortable provided seating here in this dining hall, I see it may be difficult. I’m unsurprised-after all, I’ve observed this the nature of this place and how it wishes to frighten its subjects and any foreigners. It’s a common ritual in some rural and largely isolated locations, providing protection by inducing fear in outsiders and putting a tight hold on the current population. By adding a further ambiguity to its meaning, it strengthens this hold. “Camp Fuck You Die” should have a specific point of punctuation to indicate interpretation and meaning. Without the pause, there is a lack of clarity. Should the people inside the camp itself die, with a pause after “camp” and “you”? Or does it mean that by engaging in sexual intercourse, you will end up dying? It would provide one explanation for your state of decomposition, but that seems unlikely.
Now, undoubtedly, you are all aware that I’ve been selected to seek out the truth of your circumstances, as well as identify your remains. Before I begin, I should formally introduce myself. I’m Doctor Temperance Brennan, and I’ve accepted the position as the temporary forensic anthropologist. Or rather … the “forensic zombologist”? Prior to arriving, Doctor Elizabeth Sayre provided me with numerous files regarding the unique nature of this location, as well as its many opportunities. One of these was the chance to study actual zombis-which, prior to arriving, I hadn’t believed you were a cultural phenomenon that actually existed. Now that I am here, you are far different from what I’d imagined. Dr. Sayre said she was the head of the local section of the Cultural Forensics University Division, connected to a number of local institutions that specialize in Haitian culture. If you had been made according to Haitian rituals, your identities should be easy to ascertain, but your state of disrepair will make it difficult to identify your prominent features. Dr. Sayre informed me that you would not be revealed to be Elvis Presley, Jimmy Hoffa, or anyone on the list of “one-hit wonders” she provided. While I’m glad for her advice, I don’t know why she mentioned these individuals or provided this listing. I simply can’t grasp the meaning of it.
However, I shouldn’t look the gift goat in the mouth, and instead start the process of identification. Many of you anticipated this process, providing me with a box of detached limbs with the skin already removed from them. But I’m afraid that giving me numerous scaphoid, lunate, triquetral, pisiform, trapezium, trapevoid, capitate, harnate, and metacarpal bones won’t be adequate for complete identification. There is further concern in the appearance of incisors and canine teeth along these bones, making it clear that human teeth were used to extract the flesh. Cannibalistic behavior is not unusual, but I thought you placed great importance in the brains of others and not the rest of their epidermis and the fatty tissue underneath. My files had implied that there were a number of strong campers here-perhaps they make it impossible to succeed in obtaining brains, and therefore, you must accept a lesser form of meat. I believe I understand now! Aside from the indentations from the teeth, your bones are largely unharmed. Still, I will need to look at each of you from a closer proximity.
When I am done, I imagine I’ll have many answers to your situation and you will finally be laid to rest. Elizabeth Sayre welcomed me to find the truth-rather, the “truthiness,” despite the grammatical errors in that-of the remains. And I intend to do so, to help each one of you.
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Lance Sweets
Series: Bones
Age: 24
Job: Couples Therapy
Canon: Bones is a drama/comedy TV show where a forensic anthropologist - Dr. Temperance Brennan - and her ragtag group of scientists help FBI Agent Seeley Booth solve murders by examining the bones of the victims. By using their knowledge of science, they're able to continually aid the FBI in identifying victims and eventually discovering what led to their demise, leading to potential suspects. As the series wears on, Booth and Brennan begin consulting a psychologist in order to get profiles of the potential murders.
Dr. Lance Sweets is that psychologist. Something of a prodigy, Sweets has earned two doctorates by the age of 22. While he's rather smart and perceptive, he's also still very much a young man - when not attempting to be professional, Sweets' speech is much more casual and peppered with slang. Sometimes, his professionalism will even slip while he's on the job, allowing his casual side to show through, as noted when a prosecutor had to remind him that the use of the word "totally" was not appropriate on the stand. Despite his age and appearance, Sweets is more than capable and able to stand toe-to-toe with a renowned scientist like Dr. Brennan. Even though his humor tends to lapse towards the sarcastic side and obscure references slip into some of his "sessions," Sweets really and truly does love his job and has been said to have a deep calling for the field of psychology.
Sample Post:
Okay, so before we begin, I've gotta say that- this is a little surreal, you guys. I mean, I'm always up for the opportunity to be able to observe something completely new, but even this is- wow. The paperwork for this place mentioned "special needs," but they didn't say anything about zombies like you two. And I mean, you know, real zombies - not just some guys celebrating an extended Halloween or something. Anyway, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Splatt. - I'm sorry, is that pronounced like "splahht"? Is it European? ... oh, no, it's "Splatt" as in the sound that whatever it is that's peeling off you makes when it hits the floor. Um. Okay. Good to know!
Why don't we just get right into it, then. As your therapist, it's my job to help you two unearth some of the issues that have been festering between the both of you throughout the duration of your relationship. Now, despite popular belief, therapy is a bit of a process, and I'm going to need you to cooperate in order to make this work. There are a number of different ways we can go about this - trust exercises, for example, are pretty popular among patients. You know, like the trust fall, where a participant falls backwards and trusts that the other person will catch them. If you two will just step forward and take each other's hands ... On, um. On second thought, let's nix the trust exercises. That might get a little messy with the two of you.
Let's- let's just forget about all of that, okay? We'll make today all about the two of you and just talk. I know that America, particularly in the last decade, has presented a rather fallacious image of your kind in the movies and on television. The modern zombie as we call it is seen as a mindless, unfeeling monster with a constant lust for human flesh. However, I've found that there are several studies that have shown that there's actually a link between social and cultural expectations and compulsion in zombies, which accounts for a number of your psychological aspects. In other words, there's an expectation placed upon the both of you by other people, particularly in a place like this. And this sort of thing can put a strain on the psyche which can in turn strain the relationship. It's gotta be difficult to, you know, get in the mood for anything intimate when a bunch of punk kids just expect you to lumber around and moan for brains so they can shoot at you like some big American hero, right? I mean, come on! Talk about a buzzkill!
Excuse me, Mr. Splatt? Are you alright? Did I hit a nerve? ... Sorry, it was turn of phrase, that was a little insensitive. But you see? We're getting somewhere! This is good, let's focus on this now. It looks like you've got a lot of pent up emotion in you. I'm no expert on zombies, but hey, even I can tell you that that sort of thing isn't healthy. I think what we need to focus on now in our sessions is having the two of you work through these emotions and express them somehow. And through this, maybe you two can open up to each other more and foster a healthier relationship!
- No, um. Mr. Splatt, that's a little too literal of an interpretation of the term "open" and- and definitely not healthy.
Poll Vote!
Character: Don Draper
Series: Mad Men
Character Age: 36
Job: Director of Camp Advertising
Canon: Well, I hope you like your shows about social change to be sexy and shocking. And if you do, Mad Men is just for you. Following the sordid details of Don Draper's life and work, the show is set in Manhattan during the 1960s. All that history that you learned (or maybe didn't learn) in high school? Female empowerment, the Civil Rights movement, the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis, JFK's assassination-- you can find it all in the course of the show. And it may shock you to find out how scandalous the early 1960s really were.
But you're here to learn about Don Draper, aren't you? And you wouldn't be any different from almost every person in New York. Don is one of the most sought after men in the advertising industry-- he possesses a tongue of gold and can work miracles for companies that seek out the help of Sterling and Cooper, Don's agency. His secret? He's very good at analyzing people and realizing just what they want, even if they don't know it themselves. Though on the surface Don looks to be a dedicated, loving father and confident, chivalrous gentleman, especially when compared to the boys he works with, don't be fooled. Don has more than his own fair share of extra-marital affairs. He's just the type of man who prefers to not kiss and tell, and should he happen to get caught? Well, he's got quite a poker face when it comes to lying.
Note: Copy is basically slogan writing.
Sample Post:
When we spoke last, you said that you wanted to engage your demographic, or, as you call it, your audience. It's the same basic goal that all serious businesses have: make a product and sell the product. But the question still remains... what exactly is it that you're trying to sell? How can you engage your audience? These aren't rhetorical questions. I've seen some of your basic strategies, and I'll be honest, they're weak. Polling your viewers won't help attract new ones, especially if you don't know who you want to attract or what you've got to offer them when you do get them. I can see your surprise-- of course, with a long running establishment like yours, how can you not know what you have to offer to the world? But it's not as uncommon of a problem as you might think.
Times are changing. What worked four years ago won't work now, not in the same way. So, when you think about what it is you're doing and what it is you want to do, they don't match and come up short in the long run. Forget the results of the short run, that's not what I'm here for. You don't have to respond if you'd rather not, but listen to me; most places would ask themselves, 'what can I tell him to sell?' I'll answer that for you: strip all the layers off. I use the term 'camp' lightly, because I know you're wanting to emphasize something greater than that now. But selling something greater won't always get you the results you want. Instead, it just comes off as trying to pretend you're something that you're not, and everyone's wary about that sort of sales pitch.
Strip off all the layers of camp, all the excess and distractions. Look at what you have left. You've got dedicated people, spending hours of their days and years of their lives working to make this place work. It's like a family-- and I don't say this just because Boy Scouts of America says that's what camp should be. That is what your camp is. It's something lighthearted, or it is at the center. Given the times, I can see how lighthearted might actually be a little much to stomach, which makes it more important to remind everyone what they came to you for. It wasn't out of fear or anger, but out of the potential to have fun and to laugh. Laughing is the important part, and it's gotten lost in the mix lately. That is how you'll engage your audience and grow: by making people laugh, by bringing back the fun associated with camp.
I'm not a very funny guy, but I can promise that I've just answered all of your questions, and I haven't even gotten to the copy yet. If you're worried about the approval of your company, well... You say 70% approval? I say no problem, you just have to be prepared to listen to me.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Sue Sylvester
Series: Glee
Age: 29
Job: Cheerleading Coach
Canon: Glee is a musical comedy based around the Spanish teacher Will Schuester’s revival of the high school’s Glee Club. It’s a heartwarming tale of teenage bonding and friendship -
Oh cut the crap. High school sucks, and only the ‘losers’ in the school want to join the singing weirdos. The girls especially would much rather be invited to join the Cheerios, the high school cheerleading squad under Coach Sue Sylvester. But the price for popularity is high: having to work with Sue. Willing to do anything it takes to lead her squad to victory, Sue is vicious, ornery, scathing, and completely at ease with the fact that she should be worshiped as the goddess of victory that she is. Fame is very important, as she makes certain everyone knows through her news segment, Sue’s Corner. However, there is a glimmer of a softer side to Sue when it comes to love and her family. A glimmer she refuses to let anyone see.
Sue gives her age as 29, but she's blatantly dishonest about herself and appears to be much older.
Sample Post:
Well. I see the board of education has finally decided to teach you kids the truth. To name a cheerleading camp Camp Fuck You Die…yes, that’s right kids. You’re all going to die miserable, horrible deaths after slaving away for the Man and trying to scrape a couple of dollars together to take the whining sycophants you call your ‘children’ to McDonald’s for a McBypass Surgery, hold the pickle. Pathetic.
But you're lucky that I have arrived. Now you will be able to die a winner. I know, you've grown up listening to those two-bit salesmen like Uncle Bobby and Jesus trying to tell you that it's enough to live a full and kind life. Your mommies and daddies say it's okay just to try, as long as you give it your best! Well I say why start paying attention to your parents NOW of all times. If your mommy was so happy about daddy's performances, she wouldn't be meeting the mailman at 2 in the morning to sign for her packages, now would she. That's more of the truth of life for you, kids. Make sure the mailman has sufficient postage before letting him stamp your envelope.
Now, I've seen the local competition and believe me. You have your work cut out for you. My old squad could knock audiences' socks off, but these Zombie High...things.... are knocking limbs off. Practice doesn't end until at least one of you can throw your own head up in the air and catch it with your feet. Oh don't look at me like that. Anyone who dyes their hair pink obviously doesn't care about their looks anyway. Back in my day, we didn't even have heads. We won with the sweat off our backs and the corns on our feet! We had to fight off savages with one hand while the other twirled flaming batons drenched in firewater! There, look how that groaning thing in the left flank just ripped out its eyeball and ate it. It wants to see victory so bad it tastes it! Some people might call it self cannibalism, but me? I call it courage. Hats off to you, disgusting slime ridden filth. You've earned admiration and a little dry heave from Sue Sylvester.
So. Enough with the chattering and let's get started. Nothing builds a team like a little friendly competition. First one to make the littlest cry gets a cookie.
Poll Vote!
Name: Olive Snook
Source: Pushing Daisies
Age: Late twenties, early thirties.
Job: Mess Hall Waitstaff -- Server of justice and pie.
Canon: When he was 9 years, 27 weeks, 6 days, and 3 minutes old the boy named Ned discovered he had the rather remarkable power to wake the dead, simply by touching them. It was sometime shortly thereafter that he realized that if he failed to touch them a second time-and thus, return them to the realm of the dead-within 60 seconds, someone else would have to die, and take their place. In light of this dark discovery, young Ned vowed to never bring anyone back to stay again-that was, until he was 29 years 5 months 21 days 14 hours and 26 minutes old, when the opportunity to revive his childhood sweetheart, tragically murdered a short time before, arose. A pie-maker by trade, the now-grown Ned uses his power to assist a local Private Investigator in solving malicious murders, suspicious suicides, and all other manner of grisly whodunnits -- after all, nobody knows whodunnit like he who got done.
At a young age, Olive Snook realized that the quickest way to get what you want is to go out and get it yourself, and as a grown woman, this has not changed. Unfortunately, what she wants is the heart of her employer, the Pie Maker, whose heart in turn belongs to one alive-again childhood sweetheart-whom Olive believes has merely faked her own death. Still, Olive greets this challenge as she does any other: with a smile, a lot of perky determination, and very little concept of personal space. At times a bit self-centered, petty, and more aggressive-aggressive than passive-aggressive, Olive is still an honestly caring person, who strives to make customers feel welcomed and comfortable via oppressive cheerfulness. Quick-witted and babbly, Olive is a fast friend and a confident confidant-whose fast, confident chatter can leave people feeling a little bowled over.
Sample Post:
Well, hello hello and welcome to the Mess Hall, as in: "Mess... your..." hm, you know, I'm completely drawing a blank for a clever slogan. It's a hall! It's messy! What do you want! Actually, forget want-do you know what you need? A calendar! Pretty late in the year for a Halloween costume, I'm sorry to say. No, wait, don't tell me: it's not a costume for Halloween, it's that you're faking your own death. Ha! I knew it; I have experience with this. No, not with faking death. With fakers! Well, alright, your version might be a little bit more dramatic, with the green skin and the missing eye and the yucky smell. Taking this whole thing pretty seriously, aren't you? You know, have you ever stopped to think about who you're hurting with a stunt like this? People are going to miss you! Just what about your life is so gosh-darn bad that you need to go and fake your own death, huh? You know what you need? Somebody to listen to you-a friendly ear. Or, hah, any ear at all, right? Since you've gone and chopped yours off, looks like.
Anyway anyway anyway, here I am: Your Besty-Best Friend Olive, here to listen to your life story. Lay it on me! Wha-whaaaa what are you doing? Okay, I know you're going for a Biblical risen-from-the-dead thing here, but "laying it on me" and a religious laying of hands upon me are two entirely different things, mister grabby, and you need to learn the difference-get thee to a nunnery! They'll learn you right out of those bad habits. Geez...Can we try again? I know: we just met, but come on... open up a little! Just gimme a big ol' grin and bare it! ...Oh. Oh! Ewww ewwy ew, bare your soul, your soul, not-not it, geez, put that away. Really, that was just completely unnecessary. This is an eating establishment and that is so unsanitary! Do you want to know what I said to myself, just a second ago, before you did that? I said to myself, "Self," I said, "He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman" and then you go and let me down by being a total creeper!
I have just about had it with you. Pretty much the only thing that would make me interested in hearing the rest of this story would be if there was some sort of adventurey, intriguey mystery afoot. -Weh-heeeeellll, why didn't you say you were framing someone for your murder? Oh, I can tell a scheme like that's not exactly on the up-and-up, but if you let me in on it I promise we can keep it on the down-low. So, who's the sap-A skeeze? A creep? A skeeze of a creep? Well don't you worry your ugly little head: we'll make sure he gets his just desserts! You know what we need? A note. You know, like a diary entry. Something that lays out your very real-and-sincere fear for your life, and who you suspect is trying to do you in. I'm thinking: "Dear Still-Alive Journal..." Yes! That's it. Alright, while you sit right here and write your last will and testimony, I need to go see a man about a hearse!
Poll Vote!
This is your first batch of counselor apps! Please vote when you can and be patient because we have a lot of them. Also, at the moment, I am the only mod around to post apps. PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME, Yzak and Eryne will be back later tonight. ;o; everyone wish Box good luck on finals and hope Biz feels better!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED.
Character: Isaak Fernand von Kämpfer
Series: Trinity Blood
Age: Unknown, but appears to be in his thirties.
Job: Parenting Counselor
Canon: Crusniks, Methuselah, and Terrans, oh my! Nine hundred years after Armageddon, the world is a mess. Trying to bring some semblance of order to what remains of the world is the Vatican, which fights to protect humanity, and the Methuselahen Empire, which defends the interests of the vampires. Peace can seem like a pipe dream in a place like this, especially when there are secret organizations that wish to remake the world in their own image. The Rosenkreuz Orden manipulates events from the shadows, in order to move toward their goal of renewing the world by fire.
Isaak Fernand von Kämpfer is the second-in-command of the Rosenkreuz Orden. He is the consummate planner, with plots within plots and goals that are often much different than they seem on the surface. While he is largely unemotional about his work, Isaak does have his little pleasures, such as enjoying fine wine, reading poetry and literature, listening to and playing classical music, and inserting relevant quotations into conversations whenever possible. Isaak does his best to cultivate things that interest him, including people such as Dietrich von Lohengrin, whom Isaak took in as his protege and basically raised. Isaak is also very good at masking his crazy and pretending to be entirely harmless and friendly. His mask is always flawless, and he makes an excellent suave and debonair gentleman . . . as long as the other party continues to remain useful.
Note: 'Isaac Butler' is the name that Isaak is currently going by.
Sample Entry:
"A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp." --Raymond Duncan.
From what I can observe, I'm afraid that Mr. Duncan's words have proven to be true. What an unfortunate set of circumstances for all involved. If I may be so bold as to introduce myself, I am Isaac Butler, recently arrived from . . . well, if what I've learned is correct, knowing the name of the place won't be of much help to the majority of you. While the ethics behind snatching children without warning certainly are questionable, I can't help but wonder about the means through which it was done . . . ah, pardon me. Despite my own interest in such topics, I'm sure any scientific ramblings would bore all of the young people here. You have much more pressing concerns than the potential behind extra-dimensional travel. In fact, it is those very concerns that I have been brought here to speak with you about.
I am apparently here to provide you with advice from my own experiences with parenting. However, I'm almost embarrassed to say that I have so little to contribute to this discussion. I'm afraid that some sort of mistake must have been made, because I have neither fathered nor raised any children. Offering general advice is the limit of what a bachelor such as myself can do. Besides, with the exception of a few of the zombies and gorillas who have gathered, I have not yet seen any of the pregnant ladies and gentlemen that I was told would be here. Should I take the zombies to be a sign that 'Camp Fuck You Die' was meant much more literally than I originally supposed? Of course, camp itself has not been the comfortable and enriching environment for infants that I was told it would be, in any case. Although, the zombies do seem to be better able to adapt to swamp life than humans are. I suppose that if you can't change the environment, then there is only one other choice.
In the end, there really is nothing for it but to provide all of you with what advice I can. I did take the time to familiarize myself with the surprisingly small section of your library on pregnancy and child-rearing. Ten copies of the same book did seem to be a strange choice, but I suppose it is understandable if “What to Expect When You're Not Expecting” is the definitive volume on the subject. It gives very practical advice, and much of it is common sense. I'm sure that all of you are prepared for your life to change completely and have taken logical steps such as receiving proper prenatal and postnatal care, establishing a connection with your child, and making sure that the child always has time to play and learn. However, the book does suggest working to destroy the world and resurrecting the dead as appropriate educational games, so you may wish to employ your own judgment before implementing anything.
Now, I did bring a few celebratory bottles of wine to share with those of you who are not currently gravid. Please, take a glass and pass it to . . . ah. I'm afraid that wine is not developmentally appropriate for even zombie infants. A vintage as fine as this would be entirely wasted on such an undeveloped palate.
Poll Vote!
Character: Gracia Hughes
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist
Character Age: Thirties
Job: Camp Mom
Canon: In a world where alchemy isn't just a theory, two
brothers perform a forbidden technique called human transformation to
bring their mother back to life. When things go horribly wrong,
resulting in the loss of body parts, these two brothers, Edward and
Alphonse Elric go on a quest to return their bodies back to normal.
During their journey, they make several friends and fight a group of
enemies who only want to use them for their Evil Plan. It's tough, but
these kids are willing to face the danger and challenges head on,
kicking ass and learning important life lessons along the way.
One of those friends is Gracia, the loyal wife of military man, Maes
Hughes. She's a sweet, caring woman who looks out for the brothers and
their childhood friend; offering up her home and a listening ear
should they ever need it. She's gentle and calm, and a pretty
understanding person. Gracia's also a great mother who loves her
family something fierce and is very patient with her husband's antics.
Even when tragedy strikes in the form of Hughes being murdered, she
does her best to stay strong for her daughter and smile so as not to
burden anyone. Overall, she's a warm, friendly, motherly person with a
very kind and very good heart. She's also a great cook who can make
apple pies that'll knock your socks off.
Sample Entry:
Hello, everyone! To be honest, I was expecting you all to be a little
younger and not quite so green, but that's all right. My name is
Gracia and I'm here to be your Camp Mom. If any of you ever need to
talk to someone about anything, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm a
pretty good listener and I've even got lots of practice with giving
hugs in case anyone ever wants one. I promise I don't bite. Now, I had
a few activities prepared for us to do, although I'm not sure if any
of you would still be interested...? -Ah, you are? That's
wonderful! Just give me a few minutes to set things up and then we'll
be all ready to go.
The first thing I wanted you to try is papier-mâché. I know it's a bit
messy, but I thought it would be a fitting for camp activity and
sometimes it can be fun to get your hands dirty, right? And it is a
bit early, yes, but since Christmas is coming up, I thought making
ornaments for your Christmas trees would be kind of neat. Let me just
explain how it works and then everyone can get started. The first
thing you want to do is take your strips of paper and dip them in the
mixture that I've made, making sure that they're coated completely.
Once that's done, grab one of the small balls I have over
here-I'm sorry, I couldn't find any balloons, so we'll have to
make do with these-and start covering them! It's fairly simple,
but make sure that you don't make more than four layers. Otherwise,
the balls might get crushed under the weight and the paper won't dry
all the way which means we won't be able to decorate them. ...Does
anyone have any questions? OK, go ahead and start, then!
See? It's pretty fun, isn't it? For those of you that are done, you
can set your ornaments here to dry. I have extras if you want to make
more than-oh, my. I suppose I should have mentioned this
earlier, but please don't eat the mixture! It does have glue in it and
I don't want any of you to get sick. ...No, I am most definitely not
joking, so if you won't stop, I'm going to have to ask you to come
over here and sit by me. You can just watch, all right? And you over
there. Brian, was it? ...Braaaiiinnnsss, my mistake. I need you to
stop coating yourself with paper. Those weren't the balls I was
talking about and it's going to be difficult enough as it is to get
the mixture off of your hands, let alone certain other parts of you.
And I shouldn't have to mention how very inappropriate that is!
Please, put your pants back on.
...Is everyone's finished? Great! Why don't we all get cleaned up and
have a snack? I baked some pies earlier, so we can split them. There
are a couple other things that we can try later, but for now, how
about I tell you all a story while you're eating? It's about a man I
once knew, and it goes something like this...
Once upon a time, there was a brave man who fought for his country.
He was very strong and handsome, and had a big heart.
Poll Vote!
Character: Franky
Series: One Piece
Character Age: 34
Job: Construction and Demolitions
Canon: SO YOU WANNA BE A PIRATE? HOW ABOUT THE KING OF PIRATES? Then you better get on that boat and sail the Grand Line! One Piece is a shounen manga about the Straw Hat Pirates' journey to find a treasure called the One Piece, since if you find it you become the king of pirates. Naturally, as the group travels along, they add new crew members - one such new member being Franky, the shipwright.
Franky is originally introduced as an antagonistic gang-leading thug who makes enemies with the Straw Hats. He's blunt, strong-willed, loud, full of ego, and is 100% his own man - and you can't tell him what to do, he'll kick your ass because he's FRRRAAAAAANKY! However, after one gets past the intimidating outside, his true nature shows through - Franky is the big brother that will adopt you, no matter who you are, and cry an ocean of tears over your sad backstory. He'll beat all those bad guys up for you, smack you for being stupid, and make you believe in yourself. But the important thing here is, how cool is a fire-breathing, cola-fuelled cyborg? SUPER cool. Actually, he's been super cool all week, as his running joke would say.
Note: Franky can build and repair other things besides ships!
Sample Post:
'EY! Worm Eye and Exposed Ribcage! Yeah, you two - don't gimme that dumb "but my name is Braaaains" face. The director lady hired me to build a dock here. Not just any dock, though, since she could've gotten anyone to do that. So she hired me to build her a SUPER dock, with deck chairs and umbrellas that pop out with the push of a button! And a little boat I designed, too. The finish on the boat wasn't as great as it could have been, and I was gonna fix it, but what do I find? You two standing beside a bunch of splinters floating in the water! NOBODY rips apart my work, you got that?! I'll put you back in the ground for wastin' my time like this, and you'll never come back up again.
Oh, what's this? Not so tough now, are w- OI! What kind of idiot throws his HEAD at someone? The fish 'round here like their flesh living, but I'll feed you to them anyways for tryin' a stupid move like that on me. You gotta do these things the right way - full force, with a SUPER style and a perfect score! Come on, let it out, or I won't be satisfied. And don't even try to get me from behind, either.
Feh, givin' up? You didn't look like much of a man anyways - what with body parts missin' and whatever. S'okay to be intimidated by a super physique like mine! Those robo-cows are little pieces of scrap compared to a real cyborg, and a real cyborg is nothing compared to FRRRAAAANKY! ... are you even listening to me, Worm Eye? Wait, where the hell did you go?
You went and got Ribcage's head back? T-that's... that's so kind of you! You really care about him, huh? N-no, I'm not cryin'! Not cryin' at all, damn it! I'm just touched! These are tears of INSPIRATION! Please listen to my song, "Two Zombies, One Head!" ♪ Some people say "I love you," some even shout it out, but zombies do it by reattaching each other's body parts~ ♪ ... Or not, since you're EATING HIM, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?! Forget all this, I've got work to do. I've been easily distracted all week, damn it.
Oi, you already chickened out of our fight. Now what the hell do you want? "Braaaains?" HAH! You can't eat me, I'll break whatever teeth you have left - 'specially my 100% metal head! Yeah, I bet you can't bite through these SUPER brains of steel. Heh, you're free to try - but I’ll cook you over-easy and scramble your buddy there. Franky Style! OH YEAH!
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan
Series: Bones
Character Age: 33
Job: Forensic Zombologist
Canon: A bag of bones may mean nothing to you, but to Temperance Brennan, they reveal the truth. As a forensic anthropologist working out of the Jeffersonian Institution, she works in conjunction with the FBI to solve murders. Along with her highly-skilled team of scientists, they work out the cause of death when the state of the corpse leaves it difficult to identify.
Temperance is the driving force of her team, always seeking the truth, because it’s the most important part of all situations. Others perceive her as detached from her work-even among other forensic anthropologists-approaching crime scenes and those involved with a seeming lack of empathy. Her way of speaking is often convoluted, yet somehow very blunt, using many anthropological terms to force that detachment. But in truth, she’s the most involved of all, wanting nothing more than to help these people after their deaths. In general, Temperance is extremely socially awkward, failing to understand people’s motivations, relationships, as well as her own feelings. On top of this, she’s often disconnected from societal norms, such as popular culture and tends toward idiom blending, but knows a lot about how distant villages sometimes engage in ritualistic cannibalism. Much of her behavior is comedic: Temperance sometimes arrogantly announces the extent of her intelligence and looks down on those with less (but hey, if it’s the truth ...).She may not always get people around her, but she’s not without her follies of understanding and sometimes competitive nature. No matter what, though, she keeps on trucking to seek the truth-and if you’re just guessing, she may just have a bone to pick with you.
Sample Post:
Thank you everyone for attempting to take your seats, but with your inflexible joints and the uncomfortable provided seating here in this dining hall, I see it may be difficult. I’m unsurprised-after all, I’ve observed this the nature of this place and how it wishes to frighten its subjects and any foreigners. It’s a common ritual in some rural and largely isolated locations, providing protection by inducing fear in outsiders and putting a tight hold on the current population. By adding a further ambiguity to its meaning, it strengthens this hold. “Camp Fuck You Die” should have a specific point of punctuation to indicate interpretation and meaning. Without the pause, there is a lack of clarity. Should the people inside the camp itself die, with a pause after “camp” and “you”? Or does it mean that by engaging in sexual intercourse, you will end up dying? It would provide one explanation for your state of decomposition, but that seems unlikely.
Now, undoubtedly, you are all aware that I’ve been selected to seek out the truth of your circumstances, as well as identify your remains. Before I begin, I should formally introduce myself. I’m Doctor Temperance Brennan, and I’ve accepted the position as the temporary forensic anthropologist. Or rather … the “forensic zombologist”? Prior to arriving, Doctor Elizabeth Sayre provided me with numerous files regarding the unique nature of this location, as well as its many opportunities. One of these was the chance to study actual zombis-which, prior to arriving, I hadn’t believed you were a cultural phenomenon that actually existed. Now that I am here, you are far different from what I’d imagined. Dr. Sayre said she was the head of the local section of the Cultural Forensics University Division, connected to a number of local institutions that specialize in Haitian culture. If you had been made according to Haitian rituals, your identities should be easy to ascertain, but your state of disrepair will make it difficult to identify your prominent features. Dr. Sayre informed me that you would not be revealed to be Elvis Presley, Jimmy Hoffa, or anyone on the list of “one-hit wonders” she provided. While I’m glad for her advice, I don’t know why she mentioned these individuals or provided this listing. I simply can’t grasp the meaning of it.
However, I shouldn’t look the gift goat in the mouth, and instead start the process of identification. Many of you anticipated this process, providing me with a box of detached limbs with the skin already removed from them. But I’m afraid that giving me numerous scaphoid, lunate, triquetral, pisiform, trapezium, trapevoid, capitate, harnate, and metacarpal bones won’t be adequate for complete identification. There is further concern in the appearance of incisors and canine teeth along these bones, making it clear that human teeth were used to extract the flesh. Cannibalistic behavior is not unusual, but I thought you placed great importance in the brains of others and not the rest of their epidermis and the fatty tissue underneath. My files had implied that there were a number of strong campers here-perhaps they make it impossible to succeed in obtaining brains, and therefore, you must accept a lesser form of meat. I believe I understand now! Aside from the indentations from the teeth, your bones are largely unharmed. Still, I will need to look at each of you from a closer proximity.
When I am done, I imagine I’ll have many answers to your situation and you will finally be laid to rest. Elizabeth Sayre welcomed me to find the truth-rather, the “truthiness,” despite the grammatical errors in that-of the remains. And I intend to do so, to help each one of you.
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Lance Sweets
Series: Bones
Age: 24
Job: Couples Therapy
Canon: Bones is a drama/comedy TV show where a forensic anthropologist - Dr. Temperance Brennan - and her ragtag group of scientists help FBI Agent Seeley Booth solve murders by examining the bones of the victims. By using their knowledge of science, they're able to continually aid the FBI in identifying victims and eventually discovering what led to their demise, leading to potential suspects. As the series wears on, Booth and Brennan begin consulting a psychologist in order to get profiles of the potential murders.
Dr. Lance Sweets is that psychologist. Something of a prodigy, Sweets has earned two doctorates by the age of 22. While he's rather smart and perceptive, he's also still very much a young man - when not attempting to be professional, Sweets' speech is much more casual and peppered with slang. Sometimes, his professionalism will even slip while he's on the job, allowing his casual side to show through, as noted when a prosecutor had to remind him that the use of the word "totally" was not appropriate on the stand. Despite his age and appearance, Sweets is more than capable and able to stand toe-to-toe with a renowned scientist like Dr. Brennan. Even though his humor tends to lapse towards the sarcastic side and obscure references slip into some of his "sessions," Sweets really and truly does love his job and has been said to have a deep calling for the field of psychology.
Sample Post:
Okay, so before we begin, I've gotta say that- this is a little surreal, you guys. I mean, I'm always up for the opportunity to be able to observe something completely new, but even this is- wow. The paperwork for this place mentioned "special needs," but they didn't say anything about zombies like you two. And I mean, you know, real zombies - not just some guys celebrating an extended Halloween or something. Anyway, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Splatt. - I'm sorry, is that pronounced like "splahht"? Is it European? ... oh, no, it's "Splatt" as in the sound that whatever it is that's peeling off you makes when it hits the floor. Um. Okay. Good to know!
Why don't we just get right into it, then. As your therapist, it's my job to help you two unearth some of the issues that have been festering between the both of you throughout the duration of your relationship. Now, despite popular belief, therapy is a bit of a process, and I'm going to need you to cooperate in order to make this work. There are a number of different ways we can go about this - trust exercises, for example, are pretty popular among patients. You know, like the trust fall, where a participant falls backwards and trusts that the other person will catch them. If you two will just step forward and take each other's hands ... On, um. On second thought, let's nix the trust exercises. That might get a little messy with the two of you.
Let's- let's just forget about all of that, okay? We'll make today all about the two of you and just talk. I know that America, particularly in the last decade, has presented a rather fallacious image of your kind in the movies and on television. The modern zombie as we call it is seen as a mindless, unfeeling monster with a constant lust for human flesh. However, I've found that there are several studies that have shown that there's actually a link between social and cultural expectations and compulsion in zombies, which accounts for a number of your psychological aspects. In other words, there's an expectation placed upon the both of you by other people, particularly in a place like this. And this sort of thing can put a strain on the psyche which can in turn strain the relationship. It's gotta be difficult to, you know, get in the mood for anything intimate when a bunch of punk kids just expect you to lumber around and moan for brains so they can shoot at you like some big American hero, right? I mean, come on! Talk about a buzzkill!
Excuse me, Mr. Splatt? Are you alright? Did I hit a nerve? ... Sorry, it was turn of phrase, that was a little insensitive. But you see? We're getting somewhere! This is good, let's focus on this now. It looks like you've got a lot of pent up emotion in you. I'm no expert on zombies, but hey, even I can tell you that that sort of thing isn't healthy. I think what we need to focus on now in our sessions is having the two of you work through these emotions and express them somehow. And through this, maybe you two can open up to each other more and foster a healthier relationship!
- No, um. Mr. Splatt, that's a little too literal of an interpretation of the term "open" and- and definitely not healthy.
Poll Vote!
Character: Don Draper
Series: Mad Men
Character Age: 36
Job: Director of Camp Advertising
Canon: Well, I hope you like your shows about social change to be sexy and shocking. And if you do, Mad Men is just for you. Following the sordid details of Don Draper's life and work, the show is set in Manhattan during the 1960s. All that history that you learned (or maybe didn't learn) in high school? Female empowerment, the Civil Rights movement, the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis, JFK's assassination-- you can find it all in the course of the show. And it may shock you to find out how scandalous the early 1960s really were.
But you're here to learn about Don Draper, aren't you? And you wouldn't be any different from almost every person in New York. Don is one of the most sought after men in the advertising industry-- he possesses a tongue of gold and can work miracles for companies that seek out the help of Sterling and Cooper, Don's agency. His secret? He's very good at analyzing people and realizing just what they want, even if they don't know it themselves. Though on the surface Don looks to be a dedicated, loving father and confident, chivalrous gentleman, especially when compared to the boys he works with, don't be fooled. Don has more than his own fair share of extra-marital affairs. He's just the type of man who prefers to not kiss and tell, and should he happen to get caught? Well, he's got quite a poker face when it comes to lying.
Note: Copy is basically slogan writing.
Sample Post:
When we spoke last, you said that you wanted to engage your demographic, or, as you call it, your audience. It's the same basic goal that all serious businesses have: make a product and sell the product. But the question still remains... what exactly is it that you're trying to sell? How can you engage your audience? These aren't rhetorical questions. I've seen some of your basic strategies, and I'll be honest, they're weak. Polling your viewers won't help attract new ones, especially if you don't know who you want to attract or what you've got to offer them when you do get them. I can see your surprise-- of course, with a long running establishment like yours, how can you not know what you have to offer to the world? But it's not as uncommon of a problem as you might think.
Times are changing. What worked four years ago won't work now, not in the same way. So, when you think about what it is you're doing and what it is you want to do, they don't match and come up short in the long run. Forget the results of the short run, that's not what I'm here for. You don't have to respond if you'd rather not, but listen to me; most places would ask themselves, 'what can I tell him to sell?' I'll answer that for you: strip all the layers off. I use the term 'camp' lightly, because I know you're wanting to emphasize something greater than that now. But selling something greater won't always get you the results you want. Instead, it just comes off as trying to pretend you're something that you're not, and everyone's wary about that sort of sales pitch.
Strip off all the layers of camp, all the excess and distractions. Look at what you have left. You've got dedicated people, spending hours of their days and years of their lives working to make this place work. It's like a family-- and I don't say this just because Boy Scouts of America says that's what camp should be. That is what your camp is. It's something lighthearted, or it is at the center. Given the times, I can see how lighthearted might actually be a little much to stomach, which makes it more important to remind everyone what they came to you for. It wasn't out of fear or anger, but out of the potential to have fun and to laugh. Laughing is the important part, and it's gotten lost in the mix lately. That is how you'll engage your audience and grow: by making people laugh, by bringing back the fun associated with camp.
I'm not a very funny guy, but I can promise that I've just answered all of your questions, and I haven't even gotten to the copy yet. If you're worried about the approval of your company, well... You say 70% approval? I say no problem, you just have to be prepared to listen to me.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Sue Sylvester
Series: Glee
Age: 29
Job: Cheerleading Coach
Canon: Glee is a musical comedy based around the Spanish teacher Will Schuester’s revival of the high school’s Glee Club. It’s a heartwarming tale of teenage bonding and friendship -
Oh cut the crap. High school sucks, and only the ‘losers’ in the school want to join the singing weirdos. The girls especially would much rather be invited to join the Cheerios, the high school cheerleading squad under Coach Sue Sylvester. But the price for popularity is high: having to work with Sue. Willing to do anything it takes to lead her squad to victory, Sue is vicious, ornery, scathing, and completely at ease with the fact that she should be worshiped as the goddess of victory that she is. Fame is very important, as she makes certain everyone knows through her news segment, Sue’s Corner. However, there is a glimmer of a softer side to Sue when it comes to love and her family. A glimmer she refuses to let anyone see.
Sue gives her age as 29, but she's blatantly dishonest about herself and appears to be much older.
Sample Post:
Well. I see the board of education has finally decided to teach you kids the truth. To name a cheerleading camp Camp Fuck You Die…yes, that’s right kids. You’re all going to die miserable, horrible deaths after slaving away for the Man and trying to scrape a couple of dollars together to take the whining sycophants you call your ‘children’ to McDonald’s for a McBypass Surgery, hold the pickle. Pathetic.
But you're lucky that I have arrived. Now you will be able to die a winner. I know, you've grown up listening to those two-bit salesmen like Uncle Bobby and Jesus trying to tell you that it's enough to live a full and kind life. Your mommies and daddies say it's okay just to try, as long as you give it your best! Well I say why start paying attention to your parents NOW of all times. If your mommy was so happy about daddy's performances, she wouldn't be meeting the mailman at 2 in the morning to sign for her packages, now would she. That's more of the truth of life for you, kids. Make sure the mailman has sufficient postage before letting him stamp your envelope.
Now, I've seen the local competition and believe me. You have your work cut out for you. My old squad could knock audiences' socks off, but these Zombie High...things.... are knocking limbs off. Practice doesn't end until at least one of you can throw your own head up in the air and catch it with your feet. Oh don't look at me like that. Anyone who dyes their hair pink obviously doesn't care about their looks anyway. Back in my day, we didn't even have heads. We won with the sweat off our backs and the corns on our feet! We had to fight off savages with one hand while the other twirled flaming batons drenched in firewater! There, look how that groaning thing in the left flank just ripped out its eyeball and ate it. It wants to see victory so bad it tastes it! Some people might call it self cannibalism, but me? I call it courage. Hats off to you, disgusting slime ridden filth. You've earned admiration and a little dry heave from Sue Sylvester.
So. Enough with the chattering and let's get started. Nothing builds a team like a little friendly competition. First one to make the littlest cry gets a cookie.
Poll Vote!
Name: Olive Snook
Source: Pushing Daisies
Age: Late twenties, early thirties.
Job: Mess Hall Waitstaff -- Server of justice and pie.
Canon: When he was 9 years, 27 weeks, 6 days, and 3 minutes old the boy named Ned discovered he had the rather remarkable power to wake the dead, simply by touching them. It was sometime shortly thereafter that he realized that if he failed to touch them a second time-and thus, return them to the realm of the dead-within 60 seconds, someone else would have to die, and take their place. In light of this dark discovery, young Ned vowed to never bring anyone back to stay again-that was, until he was 29 years 5 months 21 days 14 hours and 26 minutes old, when the opportunity to revive his childhood sweetheart, tragically murdered a short time before, arose. A pie-maker by trade, the now-grown Ned uses his power to assist a local Private Investigator in solving malicious murders, suspicious suicides, and all other manner of grisly whodunnits -- after all, nobody knows whodunnit like he who got done.
At a young age, Olive Snook realized that the quickest way to get what you want is to go out and get it yourself, and as a grown woman, this has not changed. Unfortunately, what she wants is the heart of her employer, the Pie Maker, whose heart in turn belongs to one alive-again childhood sweetheart-whom Olive believes has merely faked her own death. Still, Olive greets this challenge as she does any other: with a smile, a lot of perky determination, and very little concept of personal space. At times a bit self-centered, petty, and more aggressive-aggressive than passive-aggressive, Olive is still an honestly caring person, who strives to make customers feel welcomed and comfortable via oppressive cheerfulness. Quick-witted and babbly, Olive is a fast friend and a confident confidant-whose fast, confident chatter can leave people feeling a little bowled over.
Sample Post:
Well, hello hello and welcome to the Mess Hall, as in: "Mess... your..." hm, you know, I'm completely drawing a blank for a clever slogan. It's a hall! It's messy! What do you want! Actually, forget want-do you know what you need? A calendar! Pretty late in the year for a Halloween costume, I'm sorry to say. No, wait, don't tell me: it's not a costume for Halloween, it's that you're faking your own death. Ha! I knew it; I have experience with this. No, not with faking death. With fakers! Well, alright, your version might be a little bit more dramatic, with the green skin and the missing eye and the yucky smell. Taking this whole thing pretty seriously, aren't you? You know, have you ever stopped to think about who you're hurting with a stunt like this? People are going to miss you! Just what about your life is so gosh-darn bad that you need to go and fake your own death, huh? You know what you need? Somebody to listen to you-a friendly ear. Or, hah, any ear at all, right? Since you've gone and chopped yours off, looks like.
Anyway anyway anyway, here I am: Your Besty-Best Friend Olive, here to listen to your life story. Lay it on me! Wha-whaaaa what are you doing? Okay, I know you're going for a Biblical risen-from-the-dead thing here, but "laying it on me" and a religious laying of hands upon me are two entirely different things, mister grabby, and you need to learn the difference-get thee to a nunnery! They'll learn you right out of those bad habits. Geez...Can we try again? I know: we just met, but come on... open up a little! Just gimme a big ol' grin and bare it! ...Oh. Oh! Ewww ewwy ew, bare your soul, your soul, not-not it, geez, put that away. Really, that was just completely unnecessary. This is an eating establishment and that is so unsanitary! Do you want to know what I said to myself, just a second ago, before you did that? I said to myself, "Self," I said, "He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman" and then you go and let me down by being a total creeper!
I have just about had it with you. Pretty much the only thing that would make me interested in hearing the rest of this story would be if there was some sort of adventurey, intriguey mystery afoot. -Weh-heeeeellll, why didn't you say you were framing someone for your murder? Oh, I can tell a scheme like that's not exactly on the up-and-up, but if you let me in on it I promise we can keep it on the down-low. So, who's the sap-A skeeze? A creep? A skeeze of a creep? Well don't you worry your ugly little head: we'll make sure he gets his just desserts! You know what we need? A note. You know, like a diary entry. Something that lays out your very real-and-sincere fear for your life, and who you suspect is trying to do you in. I'm thinking: "Dear Still-Alive Journal..." Yes! That's it. Alright, while you sit right here and write your last will and testimony, I need to go see a man about a hearse!
Poll Vote!