(no subject)
NEXT BATCH, zoom zoom.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Name: Jackie Tyler
Age: 39
Series: Doctor Who
Occupation: Token British Nanny
Canon:A nine-hundred plus year-old alien "Time Lord" in an improperly marked blue police box has for decades "borrowed" various young British women to accompany him on life-changing (and life-threatening) journeys across both time and space. If it sounds suspect, that might just be your head and you may wish to call upon the Doctor himself. An alien with a British accent (but he swears they have accents in other galaxies), he travels the universe righting wrongs and triumphing over evil, almost always with a lovely lady at his side, and practically always in the city streets of England. It's in danger almost as much as Tokyo, yeah?
Jackie Tyler is the beloved mum of Rose, who just so happens to have been companion to both the ninth and tenth incarnations of the Doctor, neither of which Jackie is overly fond of. You'd hold a grudge too if he took off with your only child for a year without even a note. Despite that, she is still willing to look after and motherhen him a bit, proving a little something about her maternal instinct. She can get worked up and ramble just a bit, especially if the situation is reaching critical levels. All in all, she's got a fairly good blonde head on her shoulders even if things do tend to run away on her a bit.
Cultural Note: "L'abruti" is the offensive French term for a zombie.
Sample App:
'Ello, I'm Jackie Tyler, and I've a question for you all.
What kind of operation are you runnin' here, anyway? Dragging me out of a nice warm bed and sending me up on stage to deliver some how do you do speech to some group sadly lackin' in the hygienics. Are you blinking mad? You're mad! Oh, oh I've been taken away by loonies, someone come help... ! Don't backtalk, I know a madman when I see one, yeah? And don't you dare go to tears on me! Oh for -- you're charming in your own greasy way, but I just don't belong here. A person's got to accept the job you're offering before you whisk 'em out to nowhere on business, and you've got to let them pack. Do you see what I've got on me, it's my bathrobe, and that's all I've got. Not even clean knickers. And -- Could you watch it? Anyone else tries touching my bum and I'll take those hands away from 'em. I'm only warning you once, yeah?
They're laughing. Laughing! Why is takin' their parts away funny? It's moon logic, it's got to be. Ignore the laughing, Jackie, you can do this! Come on then, about this job offer you think I signed up for, watching these kids, I didn't and that's that. Oh sure, I signed up for a bit of chain mail, yeah, but that's just junk and none of it's about being a governess. Quit your muttering, it's not good for you. And you, spit out that gum. Try behavin' like a person here and we'll all go back to bed happy. Trust me, I'm flattered too, but that's not an invitation. Oh, you've got me all distracted!
Look, I don't want to be here any more than you do. I'm not going to mince words, don't spout your supercaliwotchit nonsense at me. That's a load of gibberish and you know it. I don't know where anyone could get the idea that I'd be ideal for this. Sure, I'll stand on this platform in front of a big old forest of drippy, falling apart things and just announce myself. Hello, everyone! I'm your charming new nanny, don't mind that I was dragged out of a nice comfortable flat without notice, everything's fine. Peachy, even. We'll all just get along splendidly if you just -- sit up straight -- act like the darling angels your parents think you are, and keep on doin' that while I head off.
This'll be a great one to write home about now won't it? I've been taken prisoner against my will and forced to clean and care for ragamuffins, don't wait up and someone tip the paperboy for me. Every single person here looks like they're about to keel over. Is this contagious? This some kind of colony? I don't know what's worse, the knickers or the company. Have you got anything to else to say for yourself, Mister Snatches Ladies? Oh it's Monsieur is it? Monsieur Abruti of the Snatchin' Ladies Brigade I take it?
... It's worse than I thought. I've not been taken by crazies, I've been taken by the French.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sylar (Gabriel Gray)
Series: Heroes
Age: 32
Job: Unusual Ability Consultant
Canon: Every story needs a villain -- and in the case of Heroes, where countless people posses an impressive assortment of amazing abilities, you need a particularly strong one. A sociopath, lurking in the shadows just waiting to slice open unsuspecting heads. Gabriel Gray, better known as Sylar, is just that man.
Charming, intelligent and perfectly precise, Sylar has made an art of stalking down people with powers and killing them -- able to use his own unique ability to extract the skills of others directly from the brain. As expected of an impossibly powerful murderer, Sylar has absolutely no fear of being stopped or caught. As a result, he finds a great deal of enjoyment and satisfaction in what he does, always stringing people along, doing things at exactly is own pace and on exactly his own terms. He is remorseless, vengeful and often unstable, deriving a perverse joy in getting under people's skin and rattling them as much as possible. Fortunately for him and no one else, this is a skill he possesses in spades.
With powers that cross the thin line between impressive and downright invincible, Sylar is one god-modding serial killer you don't want to get on the wrong side of -- at least not if you have something he wants.
Sample Post:
Thank you for seeing me today, I'll do my best to make sure you don't regret it. I know it's short notice, but when I came across your fascinating camp catalogue, I have to say it caught my eye. What you may not know about me just by looking is that I have a long and... treasured history with people who exhibit extraordinary abilities. It's like a calling, really -- you might even say I hunger for it. So let's take a minute to discuss why I'm absolutely certain I'm the person you want to act as your Unusual Ability Consultant.
Sometimes when people exhibit super human talents, they don't understand or appreciate what it is they have. They waste it. I've seen it over and over again. In cases like these, those poor confused sheep simply take for granted what it is they were given. I find that with a bit of controlled, productive discussion they can always be made to realize how special they are. In a way, talking with me about their gifts can result in my lifting their burden entirely. It's very mutually beneficial. Enjoyable even, when I get the opportunity to get into someone's head. Really wrap my fingers around their brain. Beyond that, when it comes to my ability to be a team player in the workplace, I'd say that I'm a natural.
You know, on second thought, I'm not.
I think I've done enough pandering for today. Don't you? The truth is, you have to give me the job if you want to leave this room with your life. I'm sensing that's not what you were hoping to hear. I'd apologize, but really it's your fault for letting me in the door at all, isn't it? You should be more careful about that. There are dangerous people out there.
Now, if we're going to talk frankly, I'm not really much of a team player after all. There are various reasons for that of course. In part, I think no one wants to work with me because I rip open people's skulls and steal what makes them special. It tends to be a turn off. You know, funny story, once I walked right into an office, just like this one in fact, and cut a woman's head open on her birthday so that I could acquire her ability to detect lies. There are quite a few points in that story I'd advise you keep in mind. After all, this interview is going so well. No sense in ruining it, wouldn't you agree? Yes? See... I know you're lying, but I appreciate you doing your best to cooperate.
Well, I think we're about done here. If you could just sign off on that paper we can avoid a lot of... unfortunate business, and be on our way. You've been just lovely to speak with. Oh. I don't think calling for help is the best idea. I should tell you that I have no desire to kill you, but if you reach for that panic button again, or I find that you have in any way kept me from being hired for this position, I will absolutely take that pen you're holding in your hand and send it flying through your heart.
Thanks again for considering my application.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Edward "Eddie" Cantor Dean
Series: The Dark Tower Series
Age: 25
Job: Director of Smart Ass Commentary
Canon: Take a medieval poem, stir in some mythological fantasy and douse heavily in cowboy westerny goodness and you have the Dark Tower. It's the tale of a gunslinger, his tower, and the fate that relishes screwing everything they touch. Follow Roland of Gilead as he strives to find the tower that holds the key to the universe, picking up companions along the way and training them in the ways of the gun while facing sentient monorails, vampires, hybrid spider-demons, every copyright issue you can imagine and even Stephen King himself.
Heroin junkie Eddie Dean joins Roland's merry band not entirely of his own will, being dragged from 1987 New York through a dimensional door and forced to accept Roland's quest. Initially selfish and only concerned with getting a fix, Eddie soon proves himself to be an excellent gunslinger and grows to see Roland as a friend and mentor. Eddie is a smart-ass, fast-talking jokester who constantly references pop culture and is always ready to lighten the mood. He is also skilled at thinking on his feet and always looking to do the right thing.
Sample post:
Eddie, my man, you've gotten yourself into a real fix this time. Who knew that final punch to our ticket meant a bullet train to Camp of the Living Dead? Guess I should be happy this one didn't talk. But whoa it's like this place raided the special effects budget for every monster movie in the last 30 years. Hell, I bet there's stuff here that won't hit the theaters for another 30 years. Copyright's got to be murder. Which looks like the name of the game here, considering the psychotic animals and their zombie pals.
You'd think the rest of the undead locals would be a little more friendly, us being in the same boat, AKA the RMS Titanic. But the rules for entering this here brain trust are a little too literal, say thankya. It figures, someone finally tells me I've got a good head on my shoulders and he wants it for lunch. Bet even Roland would get a kick out of that. Too bad for those fellas, I still need it. After all, I do not shoot with my hand, I shoot with my mind. And I fancy myself a damn fine shot.
Gee, I wonder why Mrs. Sayre never mentioned these guys when she talked about her little problem with civil disobedience among the kiddies. Talk about getting suckered in by a pretty face. Well, a pretty face and the huge fucking tentacles she called in for backup! Where's Sigourney Weaver when you need her? Hell, I'd rather take the alien. At least the alien's probably not going to go after my gun, yeah that one.
Well, sweetheart, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take a pass on our inter-dimensional travel deal. These kids don't need a counselor, they need a gunslinger. And maybe someone with a sense of humor. Hey, tell if you've heard this one before, how do you make a holy tentacle monster?
Poll Vote!
Character: Dee Laytner
Series: FAKE
Age: Late 20s
Job: Physical Relations Counselor
Canon: Working as a detective for the Criminal Investigations department in New York's 27th Precinct, Dee Laytner is what many people would call a "lazy bastard". He doesn't do his paperwork and tends to push it off on whoever is around (which is usually his partner, Randy "Ryo" MacLean), he's constantly getting yelled at by his boss, and he barely, if ever, treats his superiors with the respect he should probably give them. But despite all this Dee is passionate about what he does, and won't stop until he's caught the bad guy and made New York's streets just a little safer. He made a promise to his late father figure, after all.
He's passionate about other things, too . . . like getting into his partner's pants. Shortly after he and Ryo were assigned to work together Dee fell hard for the other man and spends the rest of the manga trying to show this to him in whatever way he can - whether it's through deep, meaningful conversations or just shoving the poor guy against the wall and sticking his tongue down his throat. This would probably work a little better if Ryo wasn't a little dumb when it came to hormones, but he's getting better! And Dee isn't about to let a little emotional retardedness get in his way. Or little brats who kick him in the face when he's trying to be a Responsible Role Model. Dee is a confident, cocky smooth-talker who is blunt and direct to the point. He can go from being serious and calm to a loud, immature brat at the drop of a hat, but despite that Dee cares deeply for those around him, and will do pretty much anything for them, especially Ryo.
Sample Post:
Is everyone paying attention? I'm only going through this once, so stop trying to bite your partner and turn your eyes up here. Seriously, if you're into that shit, get a room, would ya? No one wants to see that.
You're all here for relationship advice, so let me start off by saying you came to the right guy for it. I've got plenty of experience with this, and I'll give you the cold, hard, honest truth on all of it. If you're here for that lovey-dovey "Oh, give them flowers and write them cutesy poems~" shit? Get up and leave, 'cuz that ain't how it goes in the real world. I can tell you that falling in love at first sight is totally possible, but you gotta work for it after that. Anyone can tell you what to say, but there's more than just pretty words involved.
And that's what I'm here to teach you - the physical part of getting that certain someone. Yeah, yeah, giggle all you want, but are you really planning on going through all that without touchin' them? I didn't think so. Physical contact is a key factor in getting your feelings across. A touch can say just as much as anything else, and when you know how to do it right, you shouldn't have any problems with the rest.
So let's start off with something straight-forward and work from there. Now, you're probably wondering "Dee, why is there a piece of wall here?" The answer to that is stop asking stupid questions, because it's obviously part of the damn presentation. Let's say this person you're after is kinda . . . dense. You did the traditional thing and sent them flowers - no go. You tried to tell 'em directly and they just didn't get it. What's there left to do? You ain't ready to give up on them yet, right?
You need to be even more direct, that's what. And that, brats, is where this wall comes in. Or any flat vertical surface, really, so remember that when you go off to put my awesome advice to use. But for now, let's focus on the wall, shall we? The trick here is that you're gonna need enough force to knock the denseness out of 'em, but not enough that you're gonna knock 'em out, because that'd be bad and you really don't want to get arrested for assault. Generally, I suggest grabbing whoever it is by the upper arms; it'll give ya a little more control than if you go for the shoulders, especially if you need to turn to find a flat surface. But, I'll leave that part up to you to decide, since doing this is going to be spur of the moment anyway.
So you grab 'em, you shove 'em against the wall and manage not to knock 'em out - now what? You kiss the hell out of them. Remember when I said there's more than just pretty words involved? Actions speak louder than words, and if doing that doesn't get through that brick they call a head, then I don't know what to tell you. But remember, timing is key too, so don't go doing this out of nowhere until you know they feel the same about you too.
After that? Have fun, because you can use this after the initial "get it through their thick skull" part too. And trust me, it's just as fun as the first time you do it. Especially when they start doin' it back to you.
Poll Vote!
Character: Jemmy J. "JJ" Adams
Series: FAKE
Age: 27
Job: Romantic Persistence Counselor
Canon: Welcome to New York City, where the crime rate is as high as the heels on the local police force's shoes. Randy "Ryo" Maclean is a new arrival at New York's 27th Precinct, and finds himself partnered with Dee Laytner. Dee seems pretty dedicated into getting into Ryo's pants at first, but over the course of the series, real feelings form between the pair. Of course, what relationship can be allowed to form without numerous interruptions, from cases to children and coworkers, getting in the way?
One of those interruptions is a fellow detective in the 27th, JJ Adams. In love with Dee since their days at the police academy, JJ has a few habits that a less forgiving person might consider "creepy" or "stalker-ish". But really, his habits of greeting Dee by blindly flinging himself at him for a kiss, clinging to him at every chance, and occasionally doing things like flying to England to interrupt Dee's "romantic" vacation with Ryo are just signs of his deep and true love for his "Dee-senpai" (no, JJ isn't actually Japanese, but let's not hold that against him). But for all of his questionable behavior and childish tantrums, JJ is a good cop, and even has a more serious side! ...Sometimes.
Sample Post:
Hello everyone!! My name is JJ, and I'm here to teach you how not to give up on the one you love, even when he might act like he wants you to! I'm sure most of you have had crushes before, or maybe even been in love. And no offense, but judging from the weird rotting smell coming from you guys, I bet you've all had a pretty hard time landing the guy, girl, or ...gorilla? of your dreams. But don't worry, with these super easy tricks, you'll be on your way to lifelong bliss before he even knows what hit him! Uh, I didn't mean actually hit him. But if knocking him out with somebody's leg and dragging him off works for you...
The first thing you need to learn is to always keep your eye on him. If you let him out of your sight, something terrible might happen! For example, he could be eaten by a grue! Whatever that is. Or worse, he might start thinking he's in love with his completely oblivious partner who clearly doesn't deserve someone as wonderful and perfect and manly and gorgeous as Senpai- Uh, I mean, the point is, you want to know where he is at all times. So try memorizing his daily schedule! That way, no matter if he's being dragged to 5 am breakfast at the mess hall, or enjoying a long walk in the green and purple glow of the lake at sunset, you'll always be by his side! Oh, and be sure to find out what cabin he's in, too! Everyone knows that there's nothing more romantic than watching the one you love sleep, so why not visit him at night?
Now I know what you might be thinking: "Isn't that breaking and entering?" Well, that or "braaaaains", but that's a little off topic! But trust me, I'm a police officer! It's not really breaking and entering if nothing gets broken! So all you have to do is find an unlocked window - preferably one that leads to his bedroom - and you're in! But remember to be prepared. The last thing you want is a squeaky window to wake him up and disturb that angelic expression on his sleeping face. So bring along some oil to get that squeak out. ...What's that? No, I don't see why lubing a window would make you sparkle.
Poll Vote!
Name: Saïx
Age: Physically somewhere in his twenties.
Series: Kingdom Hearts
Job: Hardass Mission Organizer
Canon: Kingdom Hearts is the story of a boy, his keyblade, and all the crazy adventures he goes on throughout a variety of Disney-fied worlds to rid them of creatures known as Heartless. These creatures manifest once a person has lost their heart to darkness - but sometimes the empty shell of a body left behind lives on, creating a Nobody: someone without a heart. Most Nobodies don't have a strong sense of self but the ones with clearer identities have gathered together and created a group called Organization XIII. Led by a powerful, enigmatic figure named Xemnas, Organization XIII seeks to restore the legendary Kingdom Hearts so that they can all have hearts of their own - but their methods are pretty damn shady.
Number VII, known as Saïx, is Xemnas's second-in-command despite being one of the lower ranks. It would be nice to say that Saïx is a man who secretly empathizes with other Nobodies... but, alas, he doesn't. Any kindness he even theoretically had was long ago destroyed by his coldness, repressed homicidal tendencies, and hardass work ethic. Saïx is fairly emotionally stunted (even for a Nobody) and does a good job of being a huge dick to everyone. The way he makes other people accomplish the deeds needed to bring about Kingdom Hearts make him downright ruthless at times. His dry, almost nonexistent sense of humor, stick-in-the-mud attitude, and sheer mercilessness not only makes him perfect for carrying out duties as the second-in-command (ie, giving orders), but also makes him one of the more feared members of the Organization, even within its ranks.
Note: In 358/2 Days, Saïx is in charge of giving out the daily missions. Many of them are really pointless and seem to only be in the roster because he is a douche.
Sample Post:
How utterly pathetic.
If I had any expectations beforehand, they would be completely obliterated by now. I am addressing you, you worthless excuse for an organization. "Organization Undead"? How completely ridiculous. We've received complaints about the working conditions, however none of them are even worth considering. You all have a roof over your lopsided heads and have been given enough water to survive on. If you object so strongly to its meaty taste, I invite you to drink from the lake instead. There's plenty for everyone, so stop whining about trivial things. Eliminating the toucans is a simple task, one you seem entirely too stupid to comprehend doing. All it takes is enough instinct to kill anything colorful that flies, and if you have the audacity to tell me why you can't do your job, then you are more than capable. The lack of progress here is absolutely disgraceful, and as Mission Organizer I expect you to work on the backlog of missions you've all neglected for the past six months.
You can start by telling me what it is that has captured your attention for so long. I don't expect to hear anything excusable from any of you, but you could at least make the effort of telling me why you've all been sitting around rotting pointlessly for months on end. You had plenty of time to do something productive before your legs fell off, and I won't accept a few missing ears as detriments towards your overall progress.
Now that I've said this, what could possibly convince you that watching a series of hamsters parade around to music over and over resembles productivity? Get rid of that ridiculous distraction right now and start working on all the missions you've abandoned. And no, they cannot be hamster-related missions. Don't ever ask me that again. I will assign you each a single mission to complete today, and I expect it to be finished before nightfall. If any of you think I won't discard someone who cannot pull their weight, think again. I want two of you to team up and take out the unidentified creature in the lake. Don't complain, it's only one target and you have enough arms to wield a weapon between the both of you. I've also arranged an obstacle course to prove your physical prowess, and I want one of you to report to me about your familiarity with the terrain of this camp after you have completed it.
As for the rest, it appears that a large number of you are unaware as to why we are completing these tasks. Much like the Organization I am from, you seek some kind of validation for your work. And if you pick up the slack and stop doing pointless things, it will eventually be rewarded with the formation of Kingdom Brains - although I'm sure none of you can truly comprehend what that would signify. Suffice to say it would at least mean I wouldn't need to babysit a bunch of idiots, but for now you only need to concentrate on the task at hand. Here is your mission: scale every last inch of the campgrounds in search of the purpose to your wretched, meaningless existence whose stability is as shaky as the very head which threatens to fall straight from your body, you worthless ingrates.
Don't return until you've completed it.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hades
Series: Olympos
Age: Immortal, but looks like a young adult
Job: Occasional Teacher of Philosophy
Canon: Greek gods can never get a break. Just because most of them enjoy killing people for the lulz and having rampant sex doesn't mean they all do. Meet Apollo, who would much rather cuddle up with his sister than demand a sacrifice. Unfortunately, Apollo's wish to be left alone with his sister is simply not to be, especially not when he accidentally takes something he shouldn't have from the Underworld. That small act earned him an instant ticket for being harassed by the slightly-creepy god that resides there, Hades.
But "harassed" isn't particularly accurate; it's more like "antagonized". Hades is the kind of guy who stands around, makes fun of you, and then leaves without you completely understanding what he just said. But his attitude alone is enough to annoy people--Hades, with a perpetual smile, likes to speak in vague riddles and metaphors, often taking a long time to get to his point but never clearly stating just what he means. That, combined with his aura of knowledge that borderlines haughtiness, makes Hades more than a little difficult to talk to, especially when he doesn't seem to let anyone else get much of a word in edge-wise. But the one thing he doesn't have trouble expressing? What he thinks about your lack of intelligence.
Sample Post:
If one does not wish to be visited by an unwelcome guest, great care is given to minding that the skeletons stay in the closet, rather than letting them roam about. But if one is too careless, it seems much like an invitation. For your master to have left out her spoils, she must be quite sure of herself. Even one selfish act can lead to another, and much like a rolling stone, it grows with time. But carelessness also invites rotting, and soon everything becomes drenched in a sickly-sweet smell, best enjoyed by gnats and flies, and luring many like herself into her domain with it. But tell me, just because one is intoxicated by the scent of the rotting so abundant here, does that justify theft? The master of your domain has seen it fit to steal from mine, and the punishment. . . No, consequences, are long overdue. And yet she persists until she herself might rot, as a fly does masquerading as a spider. To invite the neighbor you've taken from into your home and even assign them the task of re-educating her apish creatures. . . Surely you can understand: selfishness of one leads to the crime of many, and the arrogance borne of crime has brought down kingdoms. Is there hope for a camp?
. . .No, perhaps it's too difficult for creatures like yourselves to understand. No matter what you may say about something, certain truths cannot be changed. A fly can never be a spider, much like how a man can never metamorphose into a feline, and though one may become learned, there are things that can never be grasped, no matter how one gropes for it. But the reverse for some is not impossible; a spider may catch the fly, and what has been learned can be forgotten; even so, your eyes remain dull and uncomprehending, your minds elsewhere. Is it because you wish for a different body that you speak of the possibility of its change so fervently? The simple-minded easily take hold of whatever false notions may come their way, unquestioningly. If one wishes to learn, instead of insisting on their fantasies one must acknowledge that they know nothing first; it cannot be done for them.
An enthusiastic response. However, I never agreed to to teaching you. Even though I am here, I have no business with residing here to teach, nor do I intend to stay. As for the dead. . . They shall be returned shortly; a widow may store as many of its own kind on its web for winter, but the web will eventually break. By interference or by nature, the time is drawing near. Certain things can be learned about, but not avoided; and you are still very much like her: persistent. Even if you learn what I know, you will find nothing that will stop the rotting of this place's foundation. After all, every kingdom is held on the back of one, standing on the backs of many. It's about time they were broken.
But should you wish come into my domain instead. . . Perhaps I would not object.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Karin Koenig
Series: Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Age: 25
Job: The Zombie Whisperer
Canon: You wouldn't believe what they leave out of the history books these days. Did you know that Anastasia Romanov became fast friends with a vampire pro wrestler? Or that Lawrence of Arabia married a ditzy fortune teller with a pink, ten foot tall pet cat? In Shadow Hearts: Covenant, history and ridiculousness collide, and Yuri Volte Hyuga and his ragtag party travel the world in an attempt to save it from the seemingly endless procession of people who are trying to destroy it.
Karin Koenig was a German officer fighting in World War I until she ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time and made some of the wrong enemies. Forced into hiding, she joins Yuri in the fight to stop the demonic forces threatening their world. Karin is a strong, independent, level-headed, intelligent swordswoman who often acts as the voice of reason in the party. Polite, caring, and soft-spoken, there are times when she seems to be the only one who has any idea how to handle social situations. But as patient as she usually is, Karin's not afraid to stand up for herself, her friends, and her goals-and keep your eyes on her face, if you know what's good for you. Karin is also shown to be extremely sensitive to the natures of both human beings and the monsters she encounters; she has a knack for sensing the feelings of demons and spirits, and her sidequest involves helping the restless dead finish their unfinished business and move on.
The game provides a "library" of the world's monsters, which gives a brief description of anything you've encountered.
Sample Entry:
Zombie
If you're looking for a hand, these undead ghouls will gladly help you out. It'll take all your brains to get them to...stomach you? It's no skin off their back if you...
You've got to be kidding me. Well, that was a bust. I don't think stupid puns are going to help me now. Thanks for nothing! But I need some kind of clue, some place to start. The monsters here...they all seem so sad, and here I am, trapped, separated from Yuri, not to mention wondering what exactly I'm supposed to be whispering about. Are they behind all of this? I'm sure that all they really want is to move on themselves, so they can finally rest. Then their souls-ah! Hey! Hey, wait! Please, listen to me! I want to help you! I've been brought here to be the Zombie-oh, that's right. The Zombie Whisperer. So if you could come a little closer, I just want to talk to you. I'm not going to hurt you. You've...been hurt enough, haven't you? I can feel the sorrow in this place. As soon as I walked in, I could tell that the spirits here are unhappy with what they've become. Is that why you're not letting anyone leave? Please, I just w-ahem-
Excuse me! My eyes are down here. Not on the top of my head, or in my ear canal. As nice as it is to be appreciated for my brains instead of this skirt, when you start drooling like that, it makes me feel like an actual piece of meat. A lot of your friends here aren't lucky enough to have an intact lower jaw and more than half of their teeth like you do, so do the polite thing for all of us and use them!
I didn't mean to raise my voice, but all that whispering seemed kind of pointless. Why Zombie Whisperer, anyway? I couldn't help but notice that you've only got the one ear. And it's on your chest. So I don't think speaking quietly is going to help us communicate. But except for that part, I do understand. You all need to move on to the next life, don't you? That's why I've been brought here, to help you do that. Your spirits have been trapped here inside your bodies, and your sadness and anger have transformed this place, and now the living can't escape, either. I can tell you don't want us here. I don't blame you...the living shouldn't disturb the dead. But the only way to set everyone free and be at peace again is to leave here yourself. Do you...do you think you can tell me what it is that ties you to this world? Maybe we can set it right.
...Okay, this isn't-stop! This isn't going to work! Maybe we can find some paper and a pen, and someone can lend you a few fingers to hold them with, and we can communicate that way? Or, um, we could try "blink once for yes and twice for no," if...I can find eyelids for you. For now, just stop trying to talk! I understood that your name is Donald Muck, but after that...I guess you can't control that drooling after all, can you. Now my shirt is soaked, my glove is ruined, and...huh? There's something stuck to my-
Yoooou-! I thought I told you to keep your eyes where they belong! That means on my face, and in your own head! I'll give it back this time, but the next time I find it clinging to my anything, you're losing it for good, and I'll show you a faster way of sending you to the next life!
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Name: Jackie Tyler
Age: 39
Series: Doctor Who
Occupation: Token British Nanny
Canon:A nine-hundred plus year-old alien "Time Lord" in an improperly marked blue police box has for decades "borrowed" various young British women to accompany him on life-changing (and life-threatening) journeys across both time and space. If it sounds suspect, that might just be your head and you may wish to call upon the Doctor himself. An alien with a British accent (but he swears they have accents in other galaxies), he travels the universe righting wrongs and triumphing over evil, almost always with a lovely lady at his side, and practically always in the city streets of England. It's in danger almost as much as Tokyo, yeah?
Jackie Tyler is the beloved mum of Rose, who just so happens to have been companion to both the ninth and tenth incarnations of the Doctor, neither of which Jackie is overly fond of. You'd hold a grudge too if he took off with your only child for a year without even a note. Despite that, she is still willing to look after and motherhen him a bit, proving a little something about her maternal instinct. She can get worked up and ramble just a bit, especially if the situation is reaching critical levels. All in all, she's got a fairly good blonde head on her shoulders even if things do tend to run away on her a bit.
Cultural Note: "L'abruti" is the offensive French term for a zombie.
Sample App:
'Ello, I'm Jackie Tyler, and I've a question for you all.
What kind of operation are you runnin' here, anyway? Dragging me out of a nice warm bed and sending me up on stage to deliver some how do you do speech to some group sadly lackin' in the hygienics. Are you blinking mad? You're mad! Oh, oh I've been taken away by loonies, someone come help... ! Don't backtalk, I know a madman when I see one, yeah? And don't you dare go to tears on me! Oh for -- you're charming in your own greasy way, but I just don't belong here. A person's got to accept the job you're offering before you whisk 'em out to nowhere on business, and you've got to let them pack. Do you see what I've got on me, it's my bathrobe, and that's all I've got. Not even clean knickers. And -- Could you watch it? Anyone else tries touching my bum and I'll take those hands away from 'em. I'm only warning you once, yeah?
They're laughing. Laughing! Why is takin' their parts away funny? It's moon logic, it's got to be. Ignore the laughing, Jackie, you can do this! Come on then, about this job offer you think I signed up for, watching these kids, I didn't and that's that. Oh sure, I signed up for a bit of chain mail, yeah, but that's just junk and none of it's about being a governess. Quit your muttering, it's not good for you. And you, spit out that gum. Try behavin' like a person here and we'll all go back to bed happy. Trust me, I'm flattered too, but that's not an invitation. Oh, you've got me all distracted!
Look, I don't want to be here any more than you do. I'm not going to mince words, don't spout your supercaliwotchit nonsense at me. That's a load of gibberish and you know it. I don't know where anyone could get the idea that I'd be ideal for this. Sure, I'll stand on this platform in front of a big old forest of drippy, falling apart things and just announce myself. Hello, everyone! I'm your charming new nanny, don't mind that I was dragged out of a nice comfortable flat without notice, everything's fine. Peachy, even. We'll all just get along splendidly if you just -- sit up straight -- act like the darling angels your parents think you are, and keep on doin' that while I head off.
This'll be a great one to write home about now won't it? I've been taken prisoner against my will and forced to clean and care for ragamuffins, don't wait up and someone tip the paperboy for me. Every single person here looks like they're about to keel over. Is this contagious? This some kind of colony? I don't know what's worse, the knickers or the company. Have you got anything to else to say for yourself, Mister Snatches Ladies? Oh it's Monsieur is it? Monsieur Abruti of the Snatchin' Ladies Brigade I take it?
... It's worse than I thought. I've not been taken by crazies, I've been taken by the French.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sylar (Gabriel Gray)
Series: Heroes
Age: 32
Job: Unusual Ability Consultant
Canon: Every story needs a villain -- and in the case of Heroes, where countless people posses an impressive assortment of amazing abilities, you need a particularly strong one. A sociopath, lurking in the shadows just waiting to slice open unsuspecting heads. Gabriel Gray, better known as Sylar, is just that man.
Charming, intelligent and perfectly precise, Sylar has made an art of stalking down people with powers and killing them -- able to use his own unique ability to extract the skills of others directly from the brain. As expected of an impossibly powerful murderer, Sylar has absolutely no fear of being stopped or caught. As a result, he finds a great deal of enjoyment and satisfaction in what he does, always stringing people along, doing things at exactly is own pace and on exactly his own terms. He is remorseless, vengeful and often unstable, deriving a perverse joy in getting under people's skin and rattling them as much as possible. Fortunately for him and no one else, this is a skill he possesses in spades.
With powers that cross the thin line between impressive and downright invincible, Sylar is one god-modding serial killer you don't want to get on the wrong side of -- at least not if you have something he wants.
Sample Post:
Thank you for seeing me today, I'll do my best to make sure you don't regret it. I know it's short notice, but when I came across your fascinating camp catalogue, I have to say it caught my eye. What you may not know about me just by looking is that I have a long and... treasured history with people who exhibit extraordinary abilities. It's like a calling, really -- you might even say I hunger for it. So let's take a minute to discuss why I'm absolutely certain I'm the person you want to act as your Unusual Ability Consultant.
Sometimes when people exhibit super human talents, they don't understand or appreciate what it is they have. They waste it. I've seen it over and over again. In cases like these, those poor confused sheep simply take for granted what it is they were given. I find that with a bit of controlled, productive discussion they can always be made to realize how special they are. In a way, talking with me about their gifts can result in my lifting their burden entirely. It's very mutually beneficial. Enjoyable even, when I get the opportunity to get into someone's head. Really wrap my fingers around their brain. Beyond that, when it comes to my ability to be a team player in the workplace, I'd say that I'm a natural.
You know, on second thought, I'm not.
I think I've done enough pandering for today. Don't you? The truth is, you have to give me the job if you want to leave this room with your life. I'm sensing that's not what you were hoping to hear. I'd apologize, but really it's your fault for letting me in the door at all, isn't it? You should be more careful about that. There are dangerous people out there.
Now, if we're going to talk frankly, I'm not really much of a team player after all. There are various reasons for that of course. In part, I think no one wants to work with me because I rip open people's skulls and steal what makes them special. It tends to be a turn off. You know, funny story, once I walked right into an office, just like this one in fact, and cut a woman's head open on her birthday so that I could acquire her ability to detect lies. There are quite a few points in that story I'd advise you keep in mind. After all, this interview is going so well. No sense in ruining it, wouldn't you agree? Yes? See... I know you're lying, but I appreciate you doing your best to cooperate.
Well, I think we're about done here. If you could just sign off on that paper we can avoid a lot of... unfortunate business, and be on our way. You've been just lovely to speak with. Oh. I don't think calling for help is the best idea. I should tell you that I have no desire to kill you, but if you reach for that panic button again, or I find that you have in any way kept me from being hired for this position, I will absolutely take that pen you're holding in your hand and send it flying through your heart.
Thanks again for considering my application.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Edward "Eddie" Cantor Dean
Series: The Dark Tower Series
Age: 25
Job: Director of Smart Ass Commentary
Canon: Take a medieval poem, stir in some mythological fantasy and douse heavily in cowboy westerny goodness and you have the Dark Tower. It's the tale of a gunslinger, his tower, and the fate that relishes screwing everything they touch. Follow Roland of Gilead as he strives to find the tower that holds the key to the universe, picking up companions along the way and training them in the ways of the gun while facing sentient monorails, vampires, hybrid spider-demons, every copyright issue you can imagine and even Stephen King himself.
Heroin junkie Eddie Dean joins Roland's merry band not entirely of his own will, being dragged from 1987 New York through a dimensional door and forced to accept Roland's quest. Initially selfish and only concerned with getting a fix, Eddie soon proves himself to be an excellent gunslinger and grows to see Roland as a friend and mentor. Eddie is a smart-ass, fast-talking jokester who constantly references pop culture and is always ready to lighten the mood. He is also skilled at thinking on his feet and always looking to do the right thing.
Sample post:
Eddie, my man, you've gotten yourself into a real fix this time. Who knew that final punch to our ticket meant a bullet train to Camp of the Living Dead? Guess I should be happy this one didn't talk. But whoa it's like this place raided the special effects budget for every monster movie in the last 30 years. Hell, I bet there's stuff here that won't hit the theaters for another 30 years. Copyright's got to be murder. Which looks like the name of the game here, considering the psychotic animals and their zombie pals.
You'd think the rest of the undead locals would be a little more friendly, us being in the same boat, AKA the RMS Titanic. But the rules for entering this here brain trust are a little too literal, say thankya. It figures, someone finally tells me I've got a good head on my shoulders and he wants it for lunch. Bet even Roland would get a kick out of that. Too bad for those fellas, I still need it. After all, I do not shoot with my hand, I shoot with my mind. And I fancy myself a damn fine shot.
Gee, I wonder why Mrs. Sayre never mentioned these guys when she talked about her little problem with civil disobedience among the kiddies. Talk about getting suckered in by a pretty face. Well, a pretty face and the huge fucking tentacles she called in for backup! Where's Sigourney Weaver when you need her? Hell, I'd rather take the alien. At least the alien's probably not going to go after my gun, yeah that one.
Well, sweetheart, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take a pass on our inter-dimensional travel deal. These kids don't need a counselor, they need a gunslinger. And maybe someone with a sense of humor. Hey, tell if you've heard this one before, how do you make a holy tentacle monster?
Poll Vote!
Character: Dee Laytner
Series: FAKE
Age: Late 20s
Job: Physical Relations Counselor
Canon: Working as a detective for the Criminal Investigations department in New York's 27th Precinct, Dee Laytner is what many people would call a "lazy bastard". He doesn't do his paperwork and tends to push it off on whoever is around (which is usually his partner, Randy "Ryo" MacLean), he's constantly getting yelled at by his boss, and he barely, if ever, treats his superiors with the respect he should probably give them. But despite all this Dee is passionate about what he does, and won't stop until he's caught the bad guy and made New York's streets just a little safer. He made a promise to his late father figure, after all.
He's passionate about other things, too . . . like getting into his partner's pants. Shortly after he and Ryo were assigned to work together Dee fell hard for the other man and spends the rest of the manga trying to show this to him in whatever way he can - whether it's through deep, meaningful conversations or just shoving the poor guy against the wall and sticking his tongue down his throat. This would probably work a little better if Ryo wasn't a little dumb when it came to hormones, but he's getting better! And Dee isn't about to let a little emotional retardedness get in his way. Or little brats who kick him in the face when he's trying to be a Responsible Role Model. Dee is a confident, cocky smooth-talker who is blunt and direct to the point. He can go from being serious and calm to a loud, immature brat at the drop of a hat, but despite that Dee cares deeply for those around him, and will do pretty much anything for them, especially Ryo.
Sample Post:
Is everyone paying attention? I'm only going through this once, so stop trying to bite your partner and turn your eyes up here. Seriously, if you're into that shit, get a room, would ya? No one wants to see that.
You're all here for relationship advice, so let me start off by saying you came to the right guy for it. I've got plenty of experience with this, and I'll give you the cold, hard, honest truth on all of it. If you're here for that lovey-dovey "Oh, give them flowers and write them cutesy poems~" shit? Get up and leave, 'cuz that ain't how it goes in the real world. I can tell you that falling in love at first sight is totally possible, but you gotta work for it after that. Anyone can tell you what to say, but there's more than just pretty words involved.
And that's what I'm here to teach you - the physical part of getting that certain someone. Yeah, yeah, giggle all you want, but are you really planning on going through all that without touchin' them? I didn't think so. Physical contact is a key factor in getting your feelings across. A touch can say just as much as anything else, and when you know how to do it right, you shouldn't have any problems with the rest.
So let's start off with something straight-forward and work from there. Now, you're probably wondering "Dee, why is there a piece of wall here?" The answer to that is stop asking stupid questions, because it's obviously part of the damn presentation. Let's say this person you're after is kinda . . . dense. You did the traditional thing and sent them flowers - no go. You tried to tell 'em directly and they just didn't get it. What's there left to do? You ain't ready to give up on them yet, right?
You need to be even more direct, that's what. And that, brats, is where this wall comes in. Or any flat vertical surface, really, so remember that when you go off to put my awesome advice to use. But for now, let's focus on the wall, shall we? The trick here is that you're gonna need enough force to knock the denseness out of 'em, but not enough that you're gonna knock 'em out, because that'd be bad and you really don't want to get arrested for assault. Generally, I suggest grabbing whoever it is by the upper arms; it'll give ya a little more control than if you go for the shoulders, especially if you need to turn to find a flat surface. But, I'll leave that part up to you to decide, since doing this is going to be spur of the moment anyway.
So you grab 'em, you shove 'em against the wall and manage not to knock 'em out - now what? You kiss the hell out of them. Remember when I said there's more than just pretty words involved? Actions speak louder than words, and if doing that doesn't get through that brick they call a head, then I don't know what to tell you. But remember, timing is key too, so don't go doing this out of nowhere until you know they feel the same about you too.
After that? Have fun, because you can use this after the initial "get it through their thick skull" part too. And trust me, it's just as fun as the first time you do it. Especially when they start doin' it back to you.
Poll Vote!
Character: Jemmy J. "JJ" Adams
Series: FAKE
Age: 27
Job: Romantic Persistence Counselor
Canon: Welcome to New York City, where the crime rate is as high as the heels on the local police force's shoes. Randy "Ryo" Maclean is a new arrival at New York's 27th Precinct, and finds himself partnered with Dee Laytner. Dee seems pretty dedicated into getting into Ryo's pants at first, but over the course of the series, real feelings form between the pair. Of course, what relationship can be allowed to form without numerous interruptions, from cases to children and coworkers, getting in the way?
One of those interruptions is a fellow detective in the 27th, JJ Adams. In love with Dee since their days at the police academy, JJ has a few habits that a less forgiving person might consider "creepy" or "stalker-ish". But really, his habits of greeting Dee by blindly flinging himself at him for a kiss, clinging to him at every chance, and occasionally doing things like flying to England to interrupt Dee's "romantic" vacation with Ryo are just signs of his deep and true love for his "Dee-senpai" (no, JJ isn't actually Japanese, but let's not hold that against him). But for all of his questionable behavior and childish tantrums, JJ is a good cop, and even has a more serious side! ...Sometimes.
Sample Post:
Hello everyone!! My name is JJ, and I'm here to teach you how not to give up on the one you love, even when he might act like he wants you to! I'm sure most of you have had crushes before, or maybe even been in love. And no offense, but judging from the weird rotting smell coming from you guys, I bet you've all had a pretty hard time landing the guy, girl, or ...gorilla? of your dreams. But don't worry, with these super easy tricks, you'll be on your way to lifelong bliss before he even knows what hit him! Uh, I didn't mean actually hit him. But if knocking him out with somebody's leg and dragging him off works for you...
The first thing you need to learn is to always keep your eye on him. If you let him out of your sight, something terrible might happen! For example, he could be eaten by a grue! Whatever that is. Or worse, he might start thinking he's in love with his completely oblivious partner who clearly doesn't deserve someone as wonderful and perfect and manly and gorgeous as Senpai- Uh, I mean, the point is, you want to know where he is at all times. So try memorizing his daily schedule! That way, no matter if he's being dragged to 5 am breakfast at the mess hall, or enjoying a long walk in the green and purple glow of the lake at sunset, you'll always be by his side! Oh, and be sure to find out what cabin he's in, too! Everyone knows that there's nothing more romantic than watching the one you love sleep, so why not visit him at night?
Now I know what you might be thinking: "Isn't that breaking and entering?" Well, that or "braaaaains", but that's a little off topic! But trust me, I'm a police officer! It's not really breaking and entering if nothing gets broken! So all you have to do is find an unlocked window - preferably one that leads to his bedroom - and you're in! But remember to be prepared. The last thing you want is a squeaky window to wake him up and disturb that angelic expression on his sleeping face. So bring along some oil to get that squeak out. ...What's that? No, I don't see why lubing a window would make you sparkle.
Poll Vote!
Name: Saïx
Age: Physically somewhere in his twenties.
Series: Kingdom Hearts
Job: Hardass Mission Organizer
Canon: Kingdom Hearts is the story of a boy, his keyblade, and all the crazy adventures he goes on throughout a variety of Disney-fied worlds to rid them of creatures known as Heartless. These creatures manifest once a person has lost their heart to darkness - but sometimes the empty shell of a body left behind lives on, creating a Nobody: someone without a heart. Most Nobodies don't have a strong sense of self but the ones with clearer identities have gathered together and created a group called Organization XIII. Led by a powerful, enigmatic figure named Xemnas, Organization XIII seeks to restore the legendary Kingdom Hearts so that they can all have hearts of their own - but their methods are pretty damn shady.
Number VII, known as Saïx, is Xemnas's second-in-command despite being one of the lower ranks. It would be nice to say that Saïx is a man who secretly empathizes with other Nobodies... but, alas, he doesn't. Any kindness he even theoretically had was long ago destroyed by his coldness, repressed homicidal tendencies, and hardass work ethic. Saïx is fairly emotionally stunted (even for a Nobody) and does a good job of being a huge dick to everyone. The way he makes other people accomplish the deeds needed to bring about Kingdom Hearts make him downright ruthless at times. His dry, almost nonexistent sense of humor, stick-in-the-mud attitude, and sheer mercilessness not only makes him perfect for carrying out duties as the second-in-command (ie, giving orders), but also makes him one of the more feared members of the Organization, even within its ranks.
Note: In 358/2 Days, Saïx is in charge of giving out the daily missions. Many of them are really pointless and seem to only be in the roster because he is a douche.
Sample Post:
How utterly pathetic.
If I had any expectations beforehand, they would be completely obliterated by now. I am addressing you, you worthless excuse for an organization. "Organization Undead"? How completely ridiculous. We've received complaints about the working conditions, however none of them are even worth considering. You all have a roof over your lopsided heads and have been given enough water to survive on. If you object so strongly to its meaty taste, I invite you to drink from the lake instead. There's plenty for everyone, so stop whining about trivial things. Eliminating the toucans is a simple task, one you seem entirely too stupid to comprehend doing. All it takes is enough instinct to kill anything colorful that flies, and if you have the audacity to tell me why you can't do your job, then you are more than capable. The lack of progress here is absolutely disgraceful, and as Mission Organizer I expect you to work on the backlog of missions you've all neglected for the past six months.
You can start by telling me what it is that has captured your attention for so long. I don't expect to hear anything excusable from any of you, but you could at least make the effort of telling me why you've all been sitting around rotting pointlessly for months on end. You had plenty of time to do something productive before your legs fell off, and I won't accept a few missing ears as detriments towards your overall progress.
Now that I've said this, what could possibly convince you that watching a series of hamsters parade around to music over and over resembles productivity? Get rid of that ridiculous distraction right now and start working on all the missions you've abandoned. And no, they cannot be hamster-related missions. Don't ever ask me that again. I will assign you each a single mission to complete today, and I expect it to be finished before nightfall. If any of you think I won't discard someone who cannot pull their weight, think again. I want two of you to team up and take out the unidentified creature in the lake. Don't complain, it's only one target and you have enough arms to wield a weapon between the both of you. I've also arranged an obstacle course to prove your physical prowess, and I want one of you to report to me about your familiarity with the terrain of this camp after you have completed it.
As for the rest, it appears that a large number of you are unaware as to why we are completing these tasks. Much like the Organization I am from, you seek some kind of validation for your work. And if you pick up the slack and stop doing pointless things, it will eventually be rewarded with the formation of Kingdom Brains - although I'm sure none of you can truly comprehend what that would signify. Suffice to say it would at least mean I wouldn't need to babysit a bunch of idiots, but for now you only need to concentrate on the task at hand. Here is your mission: scale every last inch of the campgrounds in search of the purpose to your wretched, meaningless existence whose stability is as shaky as the very head which threatens to fall straight from your body, you worthless ingrates.
Don't return until you've completed it.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hades
Series: Olympos
Age: Immortal, but looks like a young adult
Job: Occasional Teacher of Philosophy
Canon: Greek gods can never get a break. Just because most of them enjoy killing people for the lulz and having rampant sex doesn't mean they all do. Meet Apollo, who would much rather cuddle up with his sister than demand a sacrifice. Unfortunately, Apollo's wish to be left alone with his sister is simply not to be, especially not when he accidentally takes something he shouldn't have from the Underworld. That small act earned him an instant ticket for being harassed by the slightly-creepy god that resides there, Hades.
But "harassed" isn't particularly accurate; it's more like "antagonized". Hades is the kind of guy who stands around, makes fun of you, and then leaves without you completely understanding what he just said. But his attitude alone is enough to annoy people--Hades, with a perpetual smile, likes to speak in vague riddles and metaphors, often taking a long time to get to his point but never clearly stating just what he means. That, combined with his aura of knowledge that borderlines haughtiness, makes Hades more than a little difficult to talk to, especially when he doesn't seem to let anyone else get much of a word in edge-wise. But the one thing he doesn't have trouble expressing? What he thinks about your lack of intelligence.
Sample Post:
If one does not wish to be visited by an unwelcome guest, great care is given to minding that the skeletons stay in the closet, rather than letting them roam about. But if one is too careless, it seems much like an invitation. For your master to have left out her spoils, she must be quite sure of herself. Even one selfish act can lead to another, and much like a rolling stone, it grows with time. But carelessness also invites rotting, and soon everything becomes drenched in a sickly-sweet smell, best enjoyed by gnats and flies, and luring many like herself into her domain with it. But tell me, just because one is intoxicated by the scent of the rotting so abundant here, does that justify theft? The master of your domain has seen it fit to steal from mine, and the punishment. . . No, consequences, are long overdue. And yet she persists until she herself might rot, as a fly does masquerading as a spider. To invite the neighbor you've taken from into your home and even assign them the task of re-educating her apish creatures. . . Surely you can understand: selfishness of one leads to the crime of many, and the arrogance borne of crime has brought down kingdoms. Is there hope for a camp?
. . .No, perhaps it's too difficult for creatures like yourselves to understand. No matter what you may say about something, certain truths cannot be changed. A fly can never be a spider, much like how a man can never metamorphose into a feline, and though one may become learned, there are things that can never be grasped, no matter how one gropes for it. But the reverse for some is not impossible; a spider may catch the fly, and what has been learned can be forgotten; even so, your eyes remain dull and uncomprehending, your minds elsewhere. Is it because you wish for a different body that you speak of the possibility of its change so fervently? The simple-minded easily take hold of whatever false notions may come their way, unquestioningly. If one wishes to learn, instead of insisting on their fantasies one must acknowledge that they know nothing first; it cannot be done for them.
An enthusiastic response. However, I never agreed to to teaching you. Even though I am here, I have no business with residing here to teach, nor do I intend to stay. As for the dead. . . They shall be returned shortly; a widow may store as many of its own kind on its web for winter, but the web will eventually break. By interference or by nature, the time is drawing near. Certain things can be learned about, but not avoided; and you are still very much like her: persistent. Even if you learn what I know, you will find nothing that will stop the rotting of this place's foundation. After all, every kingdom is held on the back of one, standing on the backs of many. It's about time they were broken.
But should you wish come into my domain instead. . . Perhaps I would not object.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Karin Koenig
Series: Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Age: 25
Job: The Zombie Whisperer
Canon: You wouldn't believe what they leave out of the history books these days. Did you know that Anastasia Romanov became fast friends with a vampire pro wrestler? Or that Lawrence of Arabia married a ditzy fortune teller with a pink, ten foot tall pet cat? In Shadow Hearts: Covenant, history and ridiculousness collide, and Yuri Volte Hyuga and his ragtag party travel the world in an attempt to save it from the seemingly endless procession of people who are trying to destroy it.
Karin Koenig was a German officer fighting in World War I until she ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time and made some of the wrong enemies. Forced into hiding, she joins Yuri in the fight to stop the demonic forces threatening their world. Karin is a strong, independent, level-headed, intelligent swordswoman who often acts as the voice of reason in the party. Polite, caring, and soft-spoken, there are times when she seems to be the only one who has any idea how to handle social situations. But as patient as she usually is, Karin's not afraid to stand up for herself, her friends, and her goals-and keep your eyes on her face, if you know what's good for you. Karin is also shown to be extremely sensitive to the natures of both human beings and the monsters she encounters; she has a knack for sensing the feelings of demons and spirits, and her sidequest involves helping the restless dead finish their unfinished business and move on.
The game provides a "library" of the world's monsters, which gives a brief description of anything you've encountered.
Sample Entry:
Zombie
If you're looking for a hand, these undead ghouls will gladly help you out. It'll take all your brains to get them to...stomach you? It's no skin off their back if you...
You've got to be kidding me. Well, that was a bust. I don't think stupid puns are going to help me now. Thanks for nothing! But I need some kind of clue, some place to start. The monsters here...they all seem so sad, and here I am, trapped, separated from Yuri, not to mention wondering what exactly I'm supposed to be whispering about. Are they behind all of this? I'm sure that all they really want is to move on themselves, so they can finally rest. Then their souls-ah! Hey! Hey, wait! Please, listen to me! I want to help you! I've been brought here to be the Zombie-oh, that's right. The Zombie Whisperer. So if you could come a little closer, I just want to talk to you. I'm not going to hurt you. You've...been hurt enough, haven't you? I can feel the sorrow in this place. As soon as I walked in, I could tell that the spirits here are unhappy with what they've become. Is that why you're not letting anyone leave? Please, I just w-ahem-
Excuse me! My eyes are down here. Not on the top of my head, or in my ear canal. As nice as it is to be appreciated for my brains instead of this skirt, when you start drooling like that, it makes me feel like an actual piece of meat. A lot of your friends here aren't lucky enough to have an intact lower jaw and more than half of their teeth like you do, so do the polite thing for all of us and use them!
I didn't mean to raise my voice, but all that whispering seemed kind of pointless. Why Zombie Whisperer, anyway? I couldn't help but notice that you've only got the one ear. And it's on your chest. So I don't think speaking quietly is going to help us communicate. But except for that part, I do understand. You all need to move on to the next life, don't you? That's why I've been brought here, to help you do that. Your spirits have been trapped here inside your bodies, and your sadness and anger have transformed this place, and now the living can't escape, either. I can tell you don't want us here. I don't blame you...the living shouldn't disturb the dead. But the only way to set everyone free and be at peace again is to leave here yourself. Do you...do you think you can tell me what it is that ties you to this world? Maybe we can set it right.
...Okay, this isn't-stop! This isn't going to work! Maybe we can find some paper and a pen, and someone can lend you a few fingers to hold them with, and we can communicate that way? Or, um, we could try "blink once for yes and twice for no," if...I can find eyelids for you. For now, just stop trying to talk! I understood that your name is Donald Muck, but after that...I guess you can't control that drooling after all, can you. Now my shirt is soaked, my glove is ruined, and...huh? There's something stuck to my-
Yoooou-! I thought I told you to keep your eyes where they belong! That means on my face, and in your own head! I'll give it back this time, but the next time I find it clinging to my anything, you're losing it for good, and I'll show you a faster way of sending you to the next life!
Poll Vote!